12 A
THE BEE: OMAHA. SUNDAY, MAY 22. 1921.
Letters From a Home-Made Father
To His Son
Vhy Work When Yon Can Lee
ture? Dear Son: Don't get worryiu'
about what you're goin to do when
you ge't out of college. If you can't
make a livin' workin ' you can al
ways be a lecturer. Every young
man these days ought to give a
thouaht to the lecture platform. It's
a little overcrowded, but if you ever
get a foothold on it it's the last
thinkin' you'll have to do.
Up 'till a few years ago folks
thought of a. lecturer as a fellow
who stood in a dark room -with a
fishin' pole an pointed hisscl out in
the lantern slides to the adinfrin' au
dience. But that was the beginnin'
of the industry an like all beginnings
it was crude. The lecturer didn't
even need to own a dress suit cause
he spoke in the dark. He didn't
need to wear anythin' for that mat
ter if he was careful to leave before
the lights was turned on.
In those days all you had to do
was to go somewhere an' take sonic
pictures of it.
VProf. Juniper will lecture this
evenm' on his trip through the heart
an' lungs of Africa illustrated with
lantern slides showin' some of the
more shady places he visited on the
Dark Continent."
As long1 as a man had sense
enough to know when a picture was
upside down he was a lecturer.
1 . . f t:.. .....
BUt tlie Illgn COSI d Udvcim yui
an end to all that. Besides which
the '.Sunday papers has made Fckin
an' the pyramids about as thrilling
as Main Street an' the town hall. If
you want to be a lecturer today all
vou have to do is to write a book
an' get it published. It don't make
much difference what Vou write
about as long as you're gloomy
enough about it. ..,,'
If it's a novel you're stnvin ter, j
take a mail order catalog, hang h ,
plot around it about how the cook
had a secret love fcr the ice man still
she found he was the father of four,
nti' Hivirlo it no into chanters. The ,
main thing is to show everybody , account 0f i,;s impressions of Ho
llow unhappy they are. j boken.
You can't go wrong if you rcme m- j . Basking' In Publicity,
her the motto that alls well tha. j "Amoncr the arrivals on board the
Aq'uitania was Mr. Dolemus Diggs,
the imminent novelist. He was pic
turesquely dressed in a plaid shawl,
a gray flannel cut away, an' a green
umbrella. Asked what he thought of
26 Americans Are
Added to New York
Uni Hall of Fame
The Married Life of Helen and Warren
ends bad.
Must Have a Hall.
Havin' published your book your
r.ext move is to hire a hall an' start
talkin'.
' hear this genyus," j America Mr. Diggs threw one leg
"I V o-o an
savs the public. "He's the most de
lightfully depressin' person we've
read this year. An' what a knowl
edge of life. Did you read that won
derful description of a kitchen sink
in Chapter 24? An' as f'er that part
about puttin' up the storm , door I
consider it one of the finest bits in
literatoor."
In plannin' your lectures never
mind what you're goin' to say. You
, can work that out while you're on
the platform drinkin' the glass of
.water furnished by the house com
mittee. Once you get the public past
the box office your responsibility is
over. What you talk about don't
amount to anything. It's what you
'say you're goin to talk about that
v counts. You need something catchy
like "Should Divorce Preceed Mar-
. riage?" "The Beauty of Ugliness,"
"The Joys of Bein' Unhappy," an
crt nit
Havin' selected your titles an' your
press agent hire you a dress suit,
anchor your eyeglass to your colter
button with a black cable an' you're
all set. Durin' the last winter I
helped support about two dozen lec
turers on account of your mother so
I know about how the speech should
go. '
"Dear Friends:. It is a , great
privilege to be able to stand here to- j
night an' look, ovfcr an' talk over
the heads of such an intelligent audi- j
ence. I have com to you with a j
message. Durin' the few brief hours j
which is allowed me I will endeavor !
to tell you what the trouble is w ith j
the world." . j
"The main trouble is that it's all
wrong. Our laws are no good. I j
could write a better set 'with my left ;
hand. ' ' j
"Our statesmen don't know what :
they are talkin' about as I have 1
proved repeatedly in my writin's to
the public cress.
"Religion has crumbled. Nobody
goes to church any more at least
so I'm told. The Bible was well
enough in its day, but its English is
poor an' it's full of bad spcllin'. I
am now workin' on a revised edition
brinjtin' the Old Testament up to
the Peace Conference an' finishin' it
off with a chapter pn labor unions.
Until this is finishedd you'll have to
get along as best you can with what
you've got.
Cumulative Calamity.
"Wimmin's suffrage was a treat
mistake. Democratic government is j
an wrong. .None of the voters has
intelligence enough to know what's
good fer 'cm. ,llowin' vwimmin to
vote has only made the situation
twice as bad bv doublin' the number
of votes. It can't last long. That's
, the only consolation. A couple of i
years will end the : whole thing.
What's comin' then I haven't decid
ed. 1 m writm' a book on it now an' i
I won't know till it's finished. . ,
"History is nothin' but a hollow t
deception. It contains no great fig- j
ures. As I showed in my last book j
most ot your taveritc heroes not
only had no figures at all but was
bunco men besides. Julius Caeser
was a weak-minded rake what spent j
all his time ridin' up an' down the j
Kile with Cleopatry on eexcursion j
boats. An' recent photographs has I
showed that . Cleonatrv was a laror !
bony woman with a red nose.
: "Shakcspear swiped all his plots j
, (rom a man named McCrcady aa' i
ndrre-of his shows ran , more than -j
two weeks. Napoleon was a ditth, j
bald-headed man with the indyges
tion. . I
. "In summin' up let me say the I
world will be at war again in two
years. Bolshvism at our throats, j
. prices higher than ever, wages out of
sight, an there's every likelihood of
there bein' a plague. Thankin you '
fcr your kind attention I suggest !
that we close the doors, turn on the j
ga an' commit suicide." !
'Twas the English who first found ',
out our great desire to be talked
at. Once the' .news got around it j
made the gold1 rush of '4 look like !
a scramble for a dime. Every boat 1
was loaded to the gunals with lec
turers. Every mornin' 'as I picked '
up my paper I see a photograph of
the lafrst arrival with an interesting i
j -
"Mr. Diggs Threw one leg over a pile of baggage whimsically."
he, giyhV vent to a hearty paradox.
Whereupon he consented unwillin'ly
to bein' photographed in seven dif
ferent positions an' drove to his
hotel." ......
What's the use in workin' an ac
cumulate' troubles of your own
when you can ' cam your livin' by
tellin' other folks about theirs. If I
was a young man just starfin' out I'd
spend a couple of eeks in the ug
liest town' I could find, write a novel
on the ugliest person there an' putln
the rest of my time lecturin' on the
"Hopelessness of Bein', Hopeful.". I
can't imagine a more injoyable way
of passin' your life. t
Yours talkitivelv,
- AMOS H. AMESBY
. '- . , ' FATH. .
(Copyright. J921. by, Ed. Streeter)
Carranza Henchman Shot
And Killed as Enters Home
Mexico. City, May 21. General
Maximiliano Kloss, an Austrian who
was at the head of the artillery bu
reau of the War department during
the Carranza administration and
more recently Mexican consul gener
al at Berlin, was shot and killed at
the entrance of his home here last
night. It is supposed his- assassin
was a discharged employe.
over a pile of baggage whimsically,
looked around to see if there was
any ladies near him an replied:
- "America is the smallest big coun
try in the world. I don't know any
thin' about it an' I'm comin' over to
ferget what I know. If I can learn
more than I ferget while I'm here
I'll know enough to ferget to, come
back.
"The great novelist seated himself
in the middle .of ihe gang plank in a
characteristic attitude. Then he
threw back his head an' gave an
cngagin' laugh.
"You .see, he explained, my wife is
carryin' the suit cases up from the
cabin. I always let her attend to
such matters. I don't understand
these details. . ' ,
"He tapped on his ' mind signifi
cantly. . ; '
"What do 'you think of prohibi
tion?" he was asked.
"The people of the United States
is bein' drowned in a desert, says
r-1 r 1 1 Tit
tablet?, Dedicated to illus
trious- Citizens, Are Unveil
ed at Exercises Attended
by Prominent Folk.
New York, May 21. The names of
26 famous American men and women
were placed today in the , Hall of
Fame of New York university. Im
pressive ceremonies attended the, un
veiling of the tablets attesting to
their celebrity. .
The exercises were attended by
hundreds of men and women promi
nent m literature, education, science,
music, art, statecraft and army and
naval life. The names of six men and
one woman for whom tablets were
unveiled were selected in the quin
quennial election held in 1920. The
other 19 names were chosen in a
previous election but. their tablets
had not before been unveiled. -
The 26 persons whose achieve
ments 'are thus honored are:
Samuel Langhorne Clemons, i
author; Roger Williams, preacher
and theologian; ' James , Buchanan
Eads, engineer; William Thomas
Green Morton, physician and sur
geon; Patrick Henry, ; statesman;
Augustus Saint-Gaudens, -sculptor;
Alice Freeman Palmer educator;
George Bancroft, histprian; William
Cullen Bryant, poet; James Feni
more Cooper, novelist; Oliver Wen
dell Holmes, poet; John Lothrop
Motley, historion ; Edgar Allen Poe, j
poet; rrancis ' Parkman', historian;
Mark Hopkins, educator; Phillips
Brooks, preacher and theologian;
Louis Agasiz,. scientist; Joseph
Henry,' scientist; Elias Howe, in
ventor; Daniel Boone, explorer; Ru
fus Choatc, lawyer and. jurist;. An
drew Jackson, statesman; Alexander
Hamilton, statesman;' Harriet Beech-
er Stowe, author; Frances Elizabeth
Willard, reformer; Charlotte S.
Cushman, actress. ...
The Hall of Fame is a colonnade
500 feet in length, on the grounds of
New York , university, overlooking
the Palisades in the Hudson river
and the valleys of the Hudson and
Harlem rivers. Throughout the
length of this colonnade provision is
made tor JSU tablets. Under the
provisions made for the election of
candidates to the hall the quota will
be completed by the year 2000. The
unveiling of each tablet will be under
the direction of a committee com
posed of men and women interested
in the line of endeavor followed by
the one to whom the tablet is dedi
cated. x-
Lloyd George Leaves for
Hythe to Spend Week End
London, May 21. Prime Minister
Lloyd George has gone to Hythe
near Dover, where he will spend the
.week-end with Sir Philip Sassoon.
Suggestion was made that he would
meet Premier Briand of France while
at Hythe, but dispatches from Faris
indicated there was no disposition
on the part of the Ffench premier
to discuss the Silesian situation.vith
Mr. Lloyd George before Tuesday it
the earliest. ;
Bee Want Ads Are Business
Getters.
Warren Extends a Frosty Reception
to Kindly But Intrusive Neighbors.
"Dear, we've, plenty of time."
Helen coaxed as they left the dinner
table, "It's only half-past seven.
You can phone for seats."
"Nothing doing. Too tired,"
glunimed Warrcii.
"But we ought to go somewhere
on your birthday."
Well, you won t root me out to
any show tonight. Where's that last
number of Colmore's?" searching
through the magazines on the library
table. "Why the Sam Hill don't
you clear these out?"
"I do after they're 2 months old
but we take so many. Here it is."
"Pretty fair cigars," opening the
birthday box Lawrence had sent
him. "Wonder where he gets 'em,''
"They're made for his club, aren't
they?" She drew up her own easy
chair. .', . ' .
Scttli-d with the last installment of
"The Veiled . Shadow," Helen vwas
quite reconciled to t lie evening at
home. Pussy Purr-Mew, curled in
the ;chair, beside her, contributed to
the atmosphere of restful content.
It was after 9 when this domestic
serenity .was disturbed by Cora,
plainly flustered, appearing at the
door. , .
"Mrs. Curtis, could I speak to you
a mlnutee?"
Was something wrong? Was she
going to give notice? With sick ap
prehension Helen followed her into
the dining room.'
They re some people out here!
They wouldn't go to .the front door."
Jn-the kitchen Helen was con
fronted by an amazing scene.
There stood the Sanfords from the
apartment below with a large basket,
and the. Merlins from Jhe 11th floor
with a pail of ice cream. j
He didn t hear us, did he stage
whispered Mrs.' Sanford. ''Let's get
the table all set before we calj him I"
; A surprise' party. Helen tried o
,coiiceal . her dismay. .How' would
,1. .1- ttJ -I.
vvarren xaKe u.r ne was always
contemptuous of such childish, fes
tivities.' . .
"Why, how did you know it .was
his birthday ':" she stammered.
"You mentioned it last Thursday
at bridge. I thought of it ' then."
"We'll put one over on Curtis this
time." chuckled Mr. Sanford.
"Sh-sh," warned Mrs. Merlin.
"Don't let him Iiear us." .- '
Whispering and "giggling,, they all
trooped into the dining' room after
Helen Had drawn the folding doors.
Everyone helped unpack the bas
ket. Roast chicken, sandwiches,' co
cocoanut layer cake, cidcr.-and'afrivo-ous'
assortment of paper favors.
Mrs. Sanford helped bring in the
dishes and glasses while the others
arranged the table.
. "Now we'll light the candles and
cnll him," suggested Mrs. Merlin as.
she placed thu cake, bristling with
candles, in the center. ' . . f
"'So, he'd see use when he rame
in," protested her husband "Let's
have the room dark. Say the lights
are out of order ask him to come
fix them." .
They switched off the lights.
Noiselessly' Helen slid open the
doors. "How would Warren re
spond? She knew lie abhored such
parties and tonight he was tired. 1
Nervously apprehensive, she tried
to make her voice natural as she
called.
"Dear, something's wrong with the
dining room lights. They're all off.''
"I'll see about it in the morning.
You don't need 'cm tonight."
"Yes, I do. I want to get some
thing from Ae sideboard. " 1
"Oh, all right," irritably: "Be there
in a minute."
A vibrant pause. Then they heard
him coming.
"Spilt anything out here?" a$ he i
reached the door." "Smells like I
booze." . . '
i.ne next second tne room was
flooded with light and filled with
howls of laughter.
But Helen did not join in the gen
eral mirth for Warren was in his
pajamas. She had not dreamed he
was getting ready for bed. But there
he stood a ludicrous, night-clad fig
ure. "What the hell does all this
mean?" he demanded savagely.
"Many happy returns 1" they
shouted, hilarious at his absurd ap
pearance. Helen gasped. His paja
mas did not even match! The plain
blue coat clashed gaudily with the
pink-striped trousers, ile had taken
them from the drawer, regardless of
their mates.
"Go quick get dressed!" she. was
trying to shove .him out of the
room.
"I'll be dashed if I. -will! If you
folks wanted a party why in blazes
didn't you call up and say so?"
: "'Warren, don't be rude!" She'
fairly forced him out. "Get into
yoilr clothes--quick!"
' The painful constraint that fol
lowed was relieved by the haughty
entrance of Pussy Purr-Mcw. While
' Mrs. Merlin fed her bits of chicken
before an. admiring audience, Helen
slipped out to : hasten ' Warren's
toilet. , . '
Rushing into the bedroom, she
was horrified to find him in bed!
; "Warren, you can't act like this!
Y'ou've got. to Jress and come, out."
j "Why have'l?". belligerently.- "I
won't join that idiotic party.- I'm
tired and I've gone to bed. You tell
'cm so!" ,
"They'll ' never ' forgiv e you.
They've brought a great basket of
expensive things. You must come,"
trying to drag him out of bed.
"Here, you let mo alone!" jerk-,
ing back the bedclothes.
"Warren; you don't want to offend
them, da you?"
"Don't care a hoot vhether I do
or not. Those fool Sanfords. This
comes from your being so chummy
with the people in the house. Oh,
well, throw tuff mv bath robe. I'll
put that on but I'll be hanged if I'll
dress."
His surly obstinacy was impervi
ous to her pleadings. He would go
in his robe or he would stay in bed.
He had meant the toweling robe
on the bath room door, but instead
she brought . from the closets lus
more decorous blanket robe.
"Those slippers have no heels
they show your bare feet," getting
out his Romcos. "Now, dear, don't be
rude do try to enter into the spirit
of ill That's the least you can do
aitcr they've gone to all this j
trouble." '. '
Girdling the robe closer, lie slip
pered into the dining room, his man
ner far from gracious.-
"I'm afraid, we struck you at the
wrong time," observed Mr. Sanford.
"No, it's just that he's had a head
ache all day," lied Helen, to excuse
his discourtesy. "He ate hapdly any
dinner so I know, he'll enjoy this,"
holding her breath for fear he would
blurt out some brusque denial.
All the spontaneity had gone from
the party, but working hard to bring
it back, Helen had a swift" inspira-'
tion.
"I've just one bottle of cocktails
that I've been saving. We're going
to have it now!" unlocking the lower
cart of the sideboard.
Hoping the alcoholic cheer would
dispel the restraint of Warren's chill
reception, she served it in generous
glasses.
A strong mixture, it soon had a
mellowing effect. With stimulated
geniality they sat down to the table
Warren an incongruous figure in
his robe. '
"Who wants a drum-stick?" Mr.
Merlin started to carve. "Hold on,
you can't all have one this bird
isn't a centipede."
"A wing for me,"- clamored
wife. "Oh, isn't she cunning?
Pussy Purr-Mew sprang up on
back of her chair. ."Give her
neck." .
"Does this suit my style
beauty?" Mr. Sanford donned
green fez cap from his tinseled favor.
"Curtis, here's one for you," tearing
open another. "This'll set off your
boudoir effect."
AVarren managed, a grin as he
clapped on the frilled pink-and-blue
cap.
"It matches his piebald pajamas.
his
" as
the
the
of
the
Is that the latest style, Curtis or it
the missus making you wear out
your odds and ends?"
"Buttons all off the other coat,"
trousers and wasn't going M
change."
"Why, dear, I always go over th(
laundry before it's put away."
"Don't you worry, Mrs. Curtis. I
bet he took 'em out wrong and wa(
too lazy to, match 'cm up."
"That makes me think; of a goo
sleeping-car story," chuckled Mr,
Merlin.
Other jokes followed, but Warrea
stubbornly refused to join in tin
merriment. A reluctant grin was all
the most hilarious story could evoke.
Twice Helen nudged him as slu
passed to the sideboard for an ex
tra fork or spoon. Rut he failed to
respond to her anxious promptings.
When Mr. Sanford made the move
for departure, in .spite of Helen's
polite protest that "it was not late,"
they all rose with evident relief.
Now at the crucial moment of
leave-taking, she tried to make her
effusive cordiality cover Warren's
churlish unresponsiveness.
"It's been a wonderful party
we've enjoyed it so much! It was
dear of you to think of it. I love
unexpected things!"
But she knew she was nervously
overdoing it. A less gushing tribute
would have sounded more sincere.
Her face crimson - with self-consciousness,
she finally closed the
door after them. (
Returning to the dining room,
she confronted Wawcn with flam
ing indignation. '
"That was the mos selfish ill
bred thing I've ever known you to
do!"
"It was, eh? Well, that's what
you get for being so thick with tin-
people in the house. Never have any
privacy when you get too chummy.''
"I'm not chuitimy I It's only de
cent to be neighborly. They went
to all the trouble of getting this
supper and for you to act as vou
did!"
"What'd I do? After the way the
horned in here I was darned civil."
"You sat there like a log!" she
flared. "They're all furious but
they were too polite to show it.
None of thc(m will ever come near
us again."
"That!ll suit me fine," rolling his
paper cap into a ball, he fired it at
Pussy Purr-Mcw. "Less we have to
do with the people in the house
the better-I'll like it. They had their
nerve to spring that fool party! Now
let this mess go and get to bed.
Next time anybody butts in here
they 11 be handed a might frosty
reception
Copyright, 192J, by Mabel Herbert Harper.
Drastic Reductions Now in Force at ,
Philip's Big Store
Specials for Monday Only
PLAY SUIT
For the Little Folks
BoyV and Girls' Play Suits and Rompers, made of
Gingham and Chambray, finest washable material.
light and dark colors, button in front or back, belted effects, large pockets, sizes 2
to 8; also large assortment of Little Folks' Coveralls, Slipovers, Kupid Clothes, etc.,
values up to $1.75, on sale for Monday, only- v
69c
Finest Quality
Tf 1 A
uingnam aprons
Best made, standard brand Aprons in different styles, light
and dark colors, assorted patterns, made by the American
Garment Co. of the best Percale and Gingham materials.
On Sale Now
at each
98c
Regular
$2.50 Val
Muslin
36-inch finest Standard Brand Muslin,
soft finish, extra fine woven, just what
you have been looking for, at a never
before-heard-of price of '
15c avard
Curtain Samples
1,500 pieces of finest Curtain Materials,
many different patterns to select from;
these samples are large enough for any
window, in white and ecru; regular
$1.00 value, on sale for Monday only at
39c each
24th and OS ts.
South Omaha
Atk for Green Trading Stamp. They Are Given With Each Purchaie.
i
Fresh
Bargains
for
Monday
in the ".
-Annex
i i ir a i - a. - jaaBaaaMwiHB i mi zi
itsg 11 ETcP r -
Continued
Selling
of Silk
Dresses
$9.95
In the Annex
a iirpat neoreamzanon ame or ur esses s
New Shipments Received in Time for Monday's Selling
s
Bl
I
I $4, $5 and $6 Dresses. Monday $3.00 1
200 more elegant house and porch dresses receivedor Monday. Made up in Ginghams, Tissues and the always S
k nnitli- 7onhvi- ninoham Tilno arA wln'to atrinprl rlrpssps that, lisnnllv stell at $4 StS and $6. Mond av ' . . Sffc Mi
iVUiai W "e". ...vV - 1J - r 1 T T V V w
3,
$2.50 and $3.00
Petticoats
JlSO
20 dozen Women's Floral Pat
tern Heatherbloom Petticoats,
fully finished sateen.
s
Corset Specials
For Monday
LOT 1 Your chance to get one
of our Binner or Lady Ruth
Corsets, made in that durable
boning, front and back laee.
Good assortment of sizes, special
at ...................$5.00
LOT' 2 Pink, fancy striped,
elastic top, unusual values. Spe
cial for Monday at $3.79
Special for Women
New Summer
Dresses
$19.50
Your choice Monday of 185
16vely Summer Dresses
made up in Swisses, Import
ed Ginghams, Tissues and
French Voiles, in an
almost endless variety of
dainty, as well as practical
styles. All shades, many
checks, dots and floral pat
terns. Suitable for the
Miss, Matron or stylish
stout. Monday, special
values $19.50
Froni Alexander Smith & Sons
RUG AUCTION
On Sale ,
Third Floor
On Sale
Third Floor
up
Our buyers were "on the spot'
again with plenty of cash. BeLow are a few of the many bargains "snapped
RANGING
FROM
25
UP
TO
50
SALE
MONDAY
9x12 Wilton Rug, worth $125, special $80.00
8-3x10-6 Wilton Rugs, worth $110, special. . . .$75.00
9x12 Carlton Axminster Rug, worth $80, spec. $60.00
9x12 Colonial Velvet Rug, worth $85, special. $60.00
9x12 Nepperham-Brussels Rug, worth $55, .
special $40.00
7-6x9 Nepperham Brussels Rug, worth $37,
special $25.00
9x12 Mannor Brussels Rug, worth $40, spec. .$25.00
7-6x9 Mannor Brussels Rug, worth $30, spec. .$18.00
6x9 Mannor Brussels Rug, worth $27, spec. $16.00
36x72 Smith's Axminster Rug, worth $15,
special .$9.50
27x60 Smith's 'Axminster Rug, worth $ii, spec.$6.50
27x54 Smith's Axminster and Velvet Rugs,
worth $5.50, special $3.25
Special on Inlaid Linoleum, worth $2.25, special,
per square yard $1.50
Just received, a shipment of the Gold Seal Congoleum,
worth 95c square yard, special, square yard. .70
We are headquarters for best window shades in west.
Best Oil Opaque Shades. 36x84, spec. . .$1.25 UP
!It Pays TRY HAYDEN'S FIRST It ?yS&ifi
