The Omaha Sunday Bee
ED IT O R I A L
A MUSE M E N T S
VOL. L NO. 37.
OMAHA, SUNDAY MORNING, FEBRUARY 27, 1921.
11)
TEN CENTS
rTTY
'PixjmpQmaha
III I A, II n Ml TTVCv
k llr 9BHnh
a a k eaaa
SAYS " dnd PROW FAT" RgMJT H '1 1
I! WILLIAM RCMiEt
X Jfik J&L:I ' ADMITS" HES A
II 1 'fe ' 1 HEAVYWEIGHT
EVERETT
BUCKINGHAM GENERALISSIMO OF
1HC UNION STOCK YARDS and K3
AK'S KNIGHTS
By EDWARD BLACK
'V 'iree hfers for the fat mail
ft The indictment, "Nolody loves
3 i fat man," lias been quashed far
y lack of evidence. It was propa-
" ganda promoted for sinister and
-v ulterior purposes.
' There are easier tasks in this .vaie
ji'- of tears and fears than writing
, about the obese specimens of
mere man, (Jne is seized witn an
intense feeling 'of v trepidation as
he approaches the subject. It must
however, be met at some point of
contact, hich is remindful of the
youth who went to see his, sister's
new baby Tor the first time. He
wanted to hold the newcomer in
an approved manner, and he suf
fered mental qualms because of a
lack of knowledge of infant physi-
logy. He did not know the proper
oints of contact.
The public expects something
funny when reading cK fat men.
They are entitled to it. The city
editor said so. He knows.
Shakespeare liked fat men. He
would give them a letter of recom
mendation any time. Caesar was
tnotlier friend of stout men. In
the tragedy "Julius Caesar," are
these lines:
. ' Lt me have men about ros that are
! fat;
Sleek-heartrd men and auch as aleep
o' nights.
Tjd Casalus haa a lean and huiry
-. look ; " r
He thinks oo muihk am h men are
dangerous."
Fit Admirably.
fulius Caesar ould not keep
tt Thin men on his payroll. His ad
vertisements for help always toiv
tainrj a pro ision tlit i.it iii4,
only need apply. J, iiVt aS a
standing rule with Julius, who was
up to the minute in current events
of his time. It was said of him that
he had the fattest entourage of any ,
big league magnate of his day. One
of Caesar's neighbors referred to
it as an ."imposing array of em
bonpoint." Somebody wrote something to
the effect that "Sweet are the uses
of adversity." We might para
phase that by saying, "Many are
the uses of fat men in th economy
of things.'' Fat men are placed
upon this earth for a purpose,
for various purposes. They
fit admirably into the role of
Santa Claus'aloug about the time
when the people are being advised
to do their Christmas shopping
early. They keep the world sup
plied with toastmastcrs and after
dinner speakers. They make ac
ceptable cheer leaders. One of the
inspiring bights of the post-prandial
exercises is to see the toastmastcr
rise in his splendid rotindity.
It Says Much.
Fat men, like other necessities of
lite, have their limitations. It would
not be within the fitness of things
to assign a fat man to traffic duty
at Sixteenth and Farnam streets,
for instance. Fat men have their,
places and there is a place for
every fat man, but not at Sixteenth
and Farnam. Imagine a fat man
playing'Timon Lcgrce or Hamlet.
Who would want a fat man for an
undertaker? One- could name the
fat poets of the world on the fin
jjrrs, of one hand.
What does history -,iv of thr
iat man and his prowess as a war- .
,
;
LANE OF 1.P
fitter MAPLE SYRUP BANISH wukgu :
LEAN flfe HUNGRY LOOK,
REN2E -AK-SAR-BEN
AlglFlCEF
rior bold on the fiield of battle and
a dauntless lover on the field of
love? It says much. The fat man
is no laggard in the game of love.
The difficulty is that there are not
enough stout men to supply the de
mand. , One of the psychological ' and
physiological phenomena of mod
ern times is tlteaffinity which at
tracts a small woman and a fat
man into that honorable estate
commonly known as matrimony.
Some have been trying to apply
Einstein's law pf relativity to ex
plain the why' and wherefore of
.such unions, but they failed. The
slim princess type of girls feels
like lording it over her girl friends
when she promenades along the
public highway with a portly man
at her sjde. And imagine her, at
the
piano, in her father s parlor,
singing, "Pretty Baby." to him..
Feeling of Confidence.
The fat man has many "talk
ing points," in his favor, as a
salesman might say of his line
of goods. The man of wide girth
promotes a feeling of confidence.
He fills the range of vision in a
substantial manner; he is some
thing to look at. One may speak
of him in terms of quantity and
usually, also, in terms of quality.
The old rule about "Valuable
articles come in small packages,"
docs not always. apply:"--
Members of this cjai! arc opttm-istiL-
and they are all charter
members of the "Don't Worry"
club. Asia rule, they take a
rosraie view of hie. They do not
rock the boat. The blues aird the
JU0 SAID M030DY LOVES
A FAT MAN?" WHY THE
OBESE SOYS IRE AT SWT,V
DEMAND WJTU" WE IADES
THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH
TO GO AROUND
Caesar appreciated
em, would'nthave
any other mnd in his
outfit- many great
warriors iad big
raY wadows - and
-ricv&c AIUAVA
6EN BAKER
FT MEN
grouchei are given the gate when
the fat men come upon the scene.
Much of the humor of the world
would be lost if the fat men were
not around to contribute their
quota to the world's cup of joy.
The fat man chasmg his straw hat
down the street has been a scene
of merriment ever since Bryan's
first nomination for the presidency,
or since Kickapoo Indian med
icine was first sold in Omaha.
At the bathin1g beach- he arouses
the risibilities of debutantcef
fiances, coryphees, maids and ma
trons, when he registers his dis
placement in the pellucid and
placid water. It would not make
much difference if the water was
not pellucid. 1
Fat Fighters.
"Arc fat men too proud to fight?"
someone has asked, enclosing a
stamped envelope for reply. The
answer is "They are not."V Alex
ander, Cromwell, Hannibal and "
Napoleon were stout sons of bat
And the Girlies Declare ,
They're the Nicest Things
U-nitlJtl'c i-nlinl !-,t i ;..n, i e. r. I -
valuable on any subject, pa-rticul.-ir"ly"
in vnese aays wnen women arc en
tering into fields of activity
hitherto occupitxl exclusively by
men. Omaha women were asked for
t,heir opinions of fat men. Their olT
fiand replies ,irc appended:
"I don't like to dance with a fat
man," said a cute young miss of the
doll type, with 'urge blue eyes. She
was asked "why?'' and her answer
was, "Because."
"They don't tip over easily."
"They don't lose their heads"
"I prefer to dance with the .'lender
type of men. They seem more ro
mantic." "V u tell 'en;: 1 will dance with a
fat man ecry time 1 get a chance."
"He is not. of a suspicions nannr'
i and he has a nice disposition."
rrGOD
DENIES THAT
TICKLISH-
tle. In modern days we might'
refer to "Pussyfoot" Johnson, W.
J. Bryan and Hiram Johnson as
notable specimens of men who arc
chesty and courageous. Great
mefPwho tipped the scales at
more than 20 in the days of long
ago were Cicero, Robespierre, Ivan
the Terrible, Murat and Henry
VIII. The familiar figure of Wil
liam Howard Taft offers a strik
itig example of . efficiency and
stoutness. Irvin Cobb and Sam
Blythp are leaders of the present
day group of literary men wjio
are large, physically and mentally.
Fattj; Arbuckle takes first place
in the galaxy of movie stars who
have paid-up memberships in the
Fat Men's club.-
One of Omaha's natural re
sources is the fat men who help
make the city great by their pleas
ing presence, their purse and their
proficiency. It is all of that, any
way. They Like Music.
Tly:rc is Everett Buckingham,
generalissimo of the Union Stock
. "Fat men, ds a rule, are jolly and
they arc not stingy."
"It is as easy to make a fit man
cry as it is to make him laugh."
"f don't think they make as iiiri;
appearance in public as the tall thin
men do."
"Vhcncer 1 sec a real fat man
feel like sticking a pin in him."
A tat man looks comfortable and
he has such a sweet disposition. He
seems to radiate good cheer. It is
almost like being i:i a croud to be
with one."
"When I dance with a Utll 'man I
don't feel like talking, hut when 1
glide along with a Iat man. oh hoy,
it's different. "'
"It always r"oi
fat man because
toudnalurrd."
V': If
on know
-ft
he
' REV. JAMES A. TANCOCK. flfffw'
' . OEAM TRINITY CATHEDRAL
- J LFE OUT OF UOOK5 y
SQT.S.L.MORRn
Jf A FINOS THAT 0f
J OloSSinrfWJOYS. WliUU
ards, and member of the board
of governors of the Knights oi
Ak-Sar-Ben. He reminds one or
a, knight of old when he rides in
the Ak-Sar-Ben parades. , Mr.
Buckingham is not offering him
self as a horrible 'example of the
theory of "laugh and grow fat,"
but he does enjoy a hearty laugh,
which he believes is one of the best
tonics one can take during the
day's work. He also negatives a
more or less genera! belief that fa:
men arc inclined to be lazy.
Fat mcli like nitrsic. That is
ery evident, for at any couccrl
or musical show one is sure to see
fat men present. Charles Lane,
one of the officials of the. Union
Pacific, ltasplaycd a violin ever
since he was old enough to have a
pocket-knife of his own. He also
went in tor dietetics some year-
ago and became quite accom
plished in the art of preparing a
ijical that would have moved Epi.
curus to pass up his plate for more.
Pancakes and maple syrup com
prise his staple matutinal ration.
Mr. Lane believes that music is
the best antidote for leanness. He
maybe cited, as another example of
efficiency bc'ng a handmaiden oi
stoutness.
i
Don't Eat Much.
Omaha's stout men assert that
they do not cat as much per capita
as the .'average thin man; rather
pardoxical, they admit, but true.
W. F. Gurley, one of Omaha's
foremost exponents of the spoken
wotd, graciously admitted he is in
the class of large men, but he did
not wish to be Quoted. He merely
staled that he does not follow any
hard and fast regimen as to dirt
or exercise. Like -Mark Twain,
he said, he smokes one cigar at a .
time and he never eats to satia
tion. He added that fat men' arc
food conservationists by choice
rather than necessity.
Ben S. Baker enters1 a denial
'hat fat men iiro ticklish ami he
moves that -this allegation in the
indictment against himscli and
ruiund colleagues, be made more
(li-tinite and cclaiii. 'I he iinl c r
afis t li.ii hci'i; tat and forceful
constitutes an accomplishment of
rare worth. He does not bold a
brief for a fat clientele, but he in
sists there is a distinction and a'
difference between being fat and
fatuous. He vouchsafed the infor
mation that a fat man will be pla-.
cable until someone pokes a stick
at him.
Not an Autocrat.
T his member of the local bar
explained that he is not an auto
crat of the breakfast table, but
said he could be italic wished. He
has adopted a policy of maintain
ing a pleasant disposition until
10 a. m., on the theory that Un
rest of tfce day will take care of
itself. He added that he is always
in for a bit oi fun when the day's
work is done and he never loses
his temper except when some base
churl in aii elevator shouts the
floor number into his car. He says
it is all right to have a little fun
r.ow and then at the expense of
the fat man, but he would strike
from the records the remark about
the fat man being "Built for com
fort rather than speed." The judge'
said he would try anything once,
except playing a saxophone or try
ing to do tricks with card?. He
motors, swims and plays horse
shoes. In conclusion, he bclicVes
fat persons arc fat because they
, are optimists and good citizens.
Sergeant Samuel Morri$ ,of the
police department is a contradic
tion of the rule that poets are at
tenuated. He avers that fat mrii
will live longer than the lean. He
denies that fat men die young.
He contends that longevity is a
corollary of corpulence. His avo
cation is writing poetry. For years
he has been riding hither and
thither on Pegasus, the winged
equine that is supposed to carry
its rider into the realms of poesy.
The sergeant also rises to place
a quietus on the allegation that
fat men snore or talk iii their
sleep.
You'd Be Surprised.
You'd he surprised if you knew
about John Fitz Roberts of Oma
ha and the l'ontcntllc Forest io
cre. lie like chickens and all
feathered creature?. He is one of
J.F.
WOOLERY
OMAUA WIGM SCHOOL
VSJRINEMAR.T
the foremost members of the Au.
dubon society and is a student of
the great outdoor world. Last ,
summer he was motoring through
the Fontenelle-'bird sanctuary with
two Methodist ciders. H traveled
on nd on, expecting to show the
twain an oriole nest which he had
seen. Before he came to a turn
in the road he heard a series of
shrill noises which he announced
indicated nearness to the orioles.
Around the turn they came upon a
clearing " where a group of men
w ere circled around a pair of fight
ing roosters. Mr. Roberts and
friends tarried a -while. On the
way home the host asked hi
Methodist friends ltow they enjoy
ed the fight, whereupon one of
them replied that they were inter
ested, but noKexcited. They were
glad the" had seen the' spectacle,
but if they had known in advance
the nature of the visit, they would
not have gone.
Mr. Roberts is an inveterate
walker and he enjoys a hearty
laugh.
"Don't take your business home
with you. Be optimistic- and
keep a clear conscience. Be tem
perate," are the rules offered by
T. F. Stroud, county commission
er, to those who would join the
iat man class. He won a fat
man's race at a picnic and lie as
serts there is more truth than
poetry i:i the saying. "Laugh and
grow fat."
There ai r other fat and ncar
lat men in Omaha and environs.
Running over the list of name-
of -Gus Rcrtze, Dean J. A. Tan
cock of Trinity cathedral, John T."
Yates of the Woodmen of th
World, Michael Murphy of the
Cudahy plant, and J. F. Woolery
of Central High school may be
mentioned as "among those pres
ent." 'hateer mav be their vices, it
may be said that fat men have
many virtues. An examination of
the police records failed to disclose
the name of a fat burglar. A fat
man has never been known to beat
hi wife and a fat man in the di-v
orre court is a rare light.