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The Omaha Sunday Beb
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OMAHA, SUNDAY MORNING. MARCH 14, 1920.
mmmm.
Dramatic Tale of One L'il
Drink Spoils Peace of Mind
Hubby's Quiet Little Evening at Home Suddenly-Disturbed-
Next Question Is: "Did He Find the
Bootlegger?;'
OH! DOC TOR! comb oven
Doft t)7J& Me
C0MB ON
AND LIVING J
QOcr. JOHN HA s DBURh
'UM TREMENS FROM
coffee for Aecdn't,
teff wftetter
youdre married.
1919
WD IT UP
DRINKING -VOOti'MCOmt
15.!
FOR PAP
WON'T
r.BT SO
B
!"S
I I . lM ' lit if I
(S3
FREW
v
wmiiiiihimjiinv'
NgAfmare of a feoHrmc?frf7g outfit's
income tax. on wffes new ded cover
The canary bird in the office of
the income tax collector was whist
ling a few bars from ''IVm Forever
Blowing Money," with a cadence of
' liquid notes, repeated in rapid
rhythm.
The income tax collectors were
shining their rubber collars, while
the steam limped lazily1 through the
office radiator. ,
Outside the office a long queue
of two-eared citizens stretched
stylishly down the corridor. They
'were all heroes of a large , income,
and were clogging the corridors in
. . . . - . i.'i.
rrsnonsr. to a circu ar wmcn re
sembled a combination Pullman
ticket and questionnaire.
AH of the applicants bore Jthem
selves with that erect stylish mil
lionaire bearing that had distin
guished them in the days of the
questionnaire. v
Was Only a Feeler.
i
The only difference between the
questionnaire and the ser-of ques
tions the income blank asked was,
the former, a lawyer could filbout,
whereas the income blank was par
ticularly rough on a man with a poor
memory.
That preliminary amusement tax
was only a feeler, the law hatchers
down in old Washington prepared
a tax list that; included everything
but a man's sorrows. '
- It's just like in the days of the
draft, if you have a set of twins the
collector raps , you on the cocoa
with a pcrsonaf exemption stamp
which entitles you to "coffee and "
for another year.
The income blank was more than
the quick-witted -Otiija board with all
its brains could figure out. Vou spent
j
GENERAL STIIIGER
GETS TWO LETTERS
AIID ANSWERS THEM
Correspondence Begins to Pile Up,
" ' Showing That the Country Is in
' a Landslide for Him.
Several letters received by General
A. Stinger, candidate for the presi
dency of the United States, show the
way I he is sweeping the country.
Clarence Small Nickel, his cam
pain manager, yesterday gave out
several of these letters with the re
plies made by the general.
"A hearty endorsement of the
- 1 1 t A TT T-
gciiciai was rcceiveu irom . r. cig,
who is in the transportation business
in the thriving city of Pearly, Neb.,"
said Mr. Nickel. He gave out the
letter as follows:
"General Stinger, Bumble Bee,
Omaha, Neb.: General, your al
rite. Im for you good and strong.
I drive the hack from the depo to
"the hotel here in Pearly. Its an out
rage we can't have no boose any
more. These cold days a man has
to have .it. 'I usto go in the hotel
and get a drink every trip, now I
tau i get ujr. .
"Now, 40 per cent alcohol is al
rtcrtit finrt vrtta cin i'Ant!t
Hurra for General Stinger for presi
dent, and it you come to Pearly you
can ride in my hack, free.
"Yours for boose,
"A. F. EGG." .
General Stinger responded as fol
lows: "Mr. Etff, Dear Sir: I am the
working man's-iriend and will be
the working man's president. A man
Jias a right to drink beer or whisky
if he wants to. That's my platform.
Better say nothing of this to tem
perance people. Counting on your
support, i am x ours,
"GENERAL A. STINGER."
A letter was received from the
secretary of the Coon City Temper
ance union yesterday as follows:
"General A. Stinger, Omaha, Neb.,
uear sir: we unaersiana mat you
favor allowing the manufacture and
sale of strong liquor, containing 40
per cent alcohol. Now, if this is so,
we will not support you. Now, you
know that this country is dry and we
.won't stand for it. Now, how do
you stand, for or against prohibi
tion? Now, we want an answer to
this. Yours truly.
' "QUINTUS A. BUGG."
General Stinger has already an
swered this letter, as follows:
"Hon. Quintus A. Bugg, Secre
tary Coon City Temperance Union,
most of your time lying awake
nights trying to figure out those
embarrassing questions. '
Join Ambitious Assemblage.
Finally, in a last desperate at
tempt, you wend your way to the
government building to seek the
office of the income tax collector.
You discover the scene of the im
pending inquisition. A languid
croupier is distributing pens to the
ambitious assemblage.
The group includes two rising
shoe shiners, a plumber, a squad of
window washers and several as
sorted employes of the street clean
ing department. - ,
You examine the blank some
more.
The instructions concerning the
victims' income is of a nature tend
ing to qualify you for the hocks
that are to follow.
Sketch a Blurred Review.
You fill out the preliminary sheet,
recording returns for 1918. streat
address aiid whether married and
living with a wife.
Then you sketch a blurred re
view of your income, yo grapple
with a problem in arithmetic in
volving the names and addresses of
each organization to '. which you
made contributions etoimed. as de
ductions, and. the amount of each.
You perspire .freely and fidget
about.
Truthfully, and in detail, you write
the answers to the seemingly em
barrassing questions tljat follow, v
You Read Your Doom.
You subscribe your trade-mark
to an iron-clad agreement, and
swear to the best of your knowl
edge, which is not very much, that
the questions propounded , on the
remaining subsequent sheet are cor
rect. Then you take it to' one of the
BY A. BTIWQBRJ
Coon City, Neb. My Dear and
Honored Sir: Your valued and wel
come letter has been called to my
attention by my secretary,- Mr.
Clarence Small Nickel. I take ex
treme pleasure in answering it.
A Noble Band.
"I hold in the highest regard the
noble men and women who form the
temperance societies of our coun
try, these United States of ours
which stretch fftjm the Atlantic to
the Pacific and -from the Canadian
border to' the Gulf of Mexico. And
I wish to asure you that during my
administration I shall do nothing to
bring the blush of shame to their
checks.
"My platform, of course, can be
misinterpreted by many, and so it
may be. However, the question you
ask is a bridge which we can cross
when we come to" it. I, myself, am
not accustomed to use strong liquor,
and have not been lor some months.
I hold in high regard those who
have fought this noble fight and
wish to assure you that my admin
istration will enforce the law of this
glorious land of ours which stretches
from the Atlantic to the Pacjfic and
from the Canadian borders to the
Gulf of Mexico and including the
Hawaiian and Philippine islands.
"Assuring you of my support and
hoping that I shall have yours in re
turn, I am, yours respectfullv,
' GENERAL A. STINGER."
HOPE HE'S WELL!
(Harvard Courier.)
H.,G. Welleuslck left Satur
day evening for a short visit
with his falher at Excelsior
Springs. He expected to visit
Kansas City also before return-
Don't Look in the Wrong Corner.
' (Sumner New.)
Ross B. Stephens has opened
a barber shop' in the south
east corner of D. J. Yost's
hardware store.
Call for Theda Bara!
By the way, what has become of
Theda Bara? She used to vamp so
regularly.
CRUEL AND UNUSUAL.
(Keneeaw Progreas.)
The W. C. T'. U. gave a fare
well party on Mrs. Tom Brad
shaw at her v home Tuesday
afternoon. Luncheon was served'
and an enjoyable time was had '
by everyone present.
Have You a Little Alligator in
Your Home?
(Holt Countr Independent.)
We hear that Harry Clauson
has sold a half interest in his
alligator to George Agnes and
that they will open up an alli
gator farm ss soo as a suitable
locationis , offered them as a
' bonus for starting the enter
Vfnter name of
as deductons.
Wdtfanal 'Porer Cuf
Room rent dtMfcesdtm
Mfdntyfit Crew dues
Redjr&ss
awiej tax
3
collectors, who is busy with a fash
ionable young lady, 49 years t old.
prise. The new order of things
is to get alligators instead of lap
dogs and i the boys expect a
heavy export business for their
pets as well as supplying all
local demands.
Soft Drink Parlors Active.
(Pender Tlmea.)
Wallace Murray sold his soft
drink establishment this week
to Charles Pounds and Charles
Wurth. Shortly afterwards, they
sold out to O. H. Roberg of
Castina, la., and W. C. Rue -of
Turin, la., who will conduct the
business under the firm name of
Roberg & Rue. They have taken
charge' and. are assisted by
Charles Wurth. -The new
comers are men of good appear
ance, come well recommended
and give evidence of being the
r'ght men for the place.
Alvah Castell was the high
est bidder last Saturday and
purchased the C. A. Nansen soft
drink parlor. He immediately
took over the business and with
John Walker's assistance is get
ting onto the ropes. ' He is well
known in this vicinity and has
hosts of friends who are glad to
see hirh become owner to the
Farmer's home. v
A 'Big Day for Marsland
(liars land Itema In Crawford Tribune)
Mrs. Holmberg,and Mis
Weier, who went tOv Chadron
Saturday, returned on 42 Sunday
evening. Yes, I said on 42; and
it stopped at Marsland, as can
be proven by official documents.
So there I But it may never hap
pen again, for the conductor ex
plained "This train never stops
at Marsland!"
all!iadflu.v
(Decatur Herald. X.
Those who had the Flu last
week are well and those who
didn't have the Flu last week
are sick with the Fid this week.
Yes, But How Much DID the New
Fire Engine Cost?
(Crete Vldette.)
Last week we said that the
new fire engine would cost
"44,00." Of course no one.
knows what that means until
we explain it. The electric cur
rent goes up and down so these
days that it causes the linotype
to perform many stunts like
the one above. The operator
hit the "$" just when the juice
clasked and the dollar didn't
drop; of coursCnot a fraction of
a second elapsed after one fin
ger had touched the dollar mark
until another finger had touched
the figure "4." At this instant ...
some big motor had released its
strain on the juice supply and
the lii.otvpe lunged ahead and '
put in two "4."
eacr ortanudtar. ' So
jMtft
n
who thinks the income collector is
rather personal in some of the ques
By DR. ANDREW A. GOUR.
Roller skating has this advantage
Over ice skating, it may be enjoyed
at any time of the year. It, is
strange that this sport is not more
popular. Perhaps one reasdn is that
it has a too plebeian atmosphere
about it. In the days of the bicycle's
greatest general popularity, roller
skating was also ' very common.
Later, with jthe advent of the auto
mobile, roller skating, except with
children, passed away along with
buggy and bicycle riding.
While roller skating is an ideal
outdoor sport wherever there are
hard pavements, still, nowadays, it
is most commonly done in indooi
rinks. Occasionally, however, we
may see adults enjoying a skate out
in the open air. This is especially
true on some of our campuses,
where college girls travel from om
building to another or go for an
airing on roller skates. This mode
of travel is cheap compared to au
tomobiling but it is very healthful.
In gymnastics, the most valuable
movements are those which tend to
tone up the muscles which preserve
good carriage : and equilibrium of
the body. No class of movements
surpasses the 'so-called balance
movements in accomplishing this
purpose. This type of movements
requires good general control of the
muscles, especially the erectors of
the body. In every one of these
movements the test is not one of
strength so much as of skill and
equilibrium. They always consist
of exercises In which one or both
feet are on the ground supporting
the body weight, and the posture of
the bodj combined with complex
positions o.r movements, of the arms,
determine their effects upon the
system. When a balance movement
is done with the trunk inclined for
ward it gives the very best effecrs
that can be derived from this class.
Skating consists principally of a
series of I balance movements in
which the trunk is slightly inclined
forward, the head high, and the
weight of the body is borne by one
leg after the other has given the
stroke. The free leg acts in co
ordination with the arms to preserve
equilibrium and then moves forward
to carry the weight at the next
stroke. As the trunk inclines for
ward with each stroke the spinal
muscles have to contract to keep
the trunk from falling forward. The
effect of this is to correct or , de
velop good carriage of the upper
body, thus combining corrective
gymnastics with pleasure.
In comparison to ice skating, the
possibilities of fancy strokes are
limited on roller skates. There are
experts, however, that can almost
make one forget that they are on
roller skates, so adept are they in
fancy work. In strokes consisting
of short curves, the body i"s always
inclined inward in relation to the
curve, and the free leg and the
arms act to balance the body. The
- Spring Brings Out the Roller bkaters
A i A
.1
t y
IS
tions he asks. xYou check over your
questions with the collector who
has a light heart and an empty
stomach.
He points out to you that you
have mad more mistakes than Eng
land did during the war. You take
another whirl at the questions and
pivot in all curved strokes
center 'of gravity and this is in
fluenced by the forces of centrifuge,
leverage and penetrating energy.
The effects of roller skating, espe
cial when practiced out of doors,
are plentiful and good. At this time
of the year the cool spring air
compels ' one to activity to keep
warm... This activity reacts upon
the entire -system by hastening the
exchange of tissue cells and thus
refreshing the body. This hastened
exchange of cells means increased
respiration and the effect of all this
upon the brain is exhilarating.
Nearly all the good effects of run
ning and running games, added to
best effects of balance movements,
will result from skating. Skating
especially tends to perfect one's
sense of equilibrium. It develops
elasticity of the muscles and grace
of motion, and it tones up the
muscles of the calf and thigh, waist
and back regions.'
One of the. good features of skat
ing is that it never grows monoton
ous as a sport, because one finds a
great source of satisfaction in con
tinually improving. At every new
achievement in skill the way is made
easier for even more advanced per
formances, and such achievements
are limitless.
(Copyright N'jtlonal' Newspaper Service.)
"Sumo romnlaln that women are n
lomrer skilled In the uae of the needle."
"Well?-' ,
"Hut my wife cart adjum one on a
traphophone much Wetter than 1 can."
Loulavlll Courlar-JaurnaU .'
I ' ' '-v. -i Mt'-'i
'
H v Qcw"
-7 Ye wimm A
Mmw
PERSONAL
EXEMPTION
o
finally, after you have satisfied your
self that they are correct, in smah
letters printed at the bottom of the
they have not" Read your income
blank. Chapter 2. verse II.
page, -you read your doom:
"To them who hath, 'that shall be
taken away, even unto that which
Judge Grows Humorous
As 'Pretty Girl Is . Given
$8,000 Damage Verdict
Chicago Tribune-Oman Be Leased Wire.
New York, Ma Celt 13. A jury be
fore Justice Van Siclcn in the su
preme court, Brooklyn, today award
ed $8,000 to MaC Gallagher, a 19-year-old
stenographer of Prooklyn
whose left knee s i.ijured when
her skirt was caughtin. an elevator
is w fi tr f U. .
This story is vouched for by an
intimate woman friend of the wife,
of the Omaha man involved. It is
offered "in strictest confidence," just
as it came from the wife, and later
from her confidant. i
T;ie mail was seated in bis easy
chair' by the home fireside, comfort
ably settled for tlie evening, so his
wife thought. She was disillusioned
when, with a vehement exclamation,
he slammed down his book, leaped
from his chair and started pacing the
floor.
"Why did I liaVe to strike that'
risht at the beginning of the even
ing.'' he demanded.
The wile remained silent, awaiting
further enlightenment.' After two
more rounds of the room friend
husband bolted into the hall and
seized his overcoat and hat.
"Thought you were going to stay
at home this evening," his wife re
marked. t
"I was," he called back, as he
started for the door, "but now I'm
goiugin search of a bootlegger."
The wife took up the book he had
Bill Buys Dinner-After Big
Tussle With Coal Black Rose
Automobile Salesman Put One Over on Comrade
Colored Comedian Who Knew Bill's Failing
- Stages Vampire Effort Successfully
A party of auto salesmen stopping
during the auto show at the Wel
lington Inn, braved the cold Satur
day night to see "Bill Jones," one
of their number, pursue one of
"Mammv's lil' coal black roses"
down Farnam street. The "coat'
black rose," weighed about 204
pounds.
The pursuit was the climax of a
joke played on "Bill Jones." ...
Al Cappelan, formerly a colored
comedian on the Orpheum circuit,
was one of the "auto" party stop
ping at the Wellington. He knew
"Bill Jones'" failing women.' Sat
urday night he draped his 200
pounds of avoirdupois in female at
tire and colored his face and bands
coal black. Other jnembers of the
"auto"' party telephoned "Bill" in his
room that a woman was waiting for
him in a taxi outside the hotel door.
"Bill" stammered for a moment
and then hurried down stairs. He
spotted the taxi right in front of the
hotel with curtains drawn.
"Sh-h-h-h," he cautioned the driv
er, "drive around the-corner!" The
driver .did. "Bill" beat it back after
his overcoat and hat. A few min
utes later he sneaked around the
corner to the waiting taxi. As he
stepped up to the machine the door
swung open and a heavy darkeom
plexiohed female reached out, seized
door in the Hudson Terminal build
ing. Miss Gallaf,.... demonstrated
to the jury that she walked with a
limp. . x
"Why shouldn't she limp?" re
marked the attorney for th. Hud
son S: Manhattan railroad, defend
ing the suit. "Look al ... ... shoes
French-heeled pumps."
"Those pumps help me to walk,"
replied Miss Gal! gher.
Crtaii:Iy," explained J.. Van
Siclen. "The pumps take the wa
ter off the knee."
been reading. It contained letters
of Robert' (i. Ingersoll, and was
opened at a page containing the fol
lowing, written by Colonel Ingersoll
to his son-in-law, Wolston II.
lirown, who at the time was ill with
pneumonic
"I send you 'ome of the most
wonderful whisky that ever drove
the skeleton lioni the feast, or
painted landscape in the brain of
man. It is the mingled souls of
wheat and com.
"In it you will find the sunshine
and the shadow that chased each
other over the billowy fields; the
breath of June; the carol of the
lark; the dews of night; the wealth
of summer and autumn's rich con
tent; all goldened with imprisoned
light.
"Drink it, and you will feel with
in your blood the starlit dawns, the
dreamy, tawny dusks of many per
fect days. For 50 years this liquid
joy has been -within the happy
staves of oakT longing to touch the
lips of man."
It is recoided that Brown drank
. i . i
tne wniSKy ana recovered.
him by the shoulders and yanked
him into the cab beside her.
"Come to yoah honey," she said,
soothingly.
The fight that followed was brief,
but fierce.
The bulky female darted out the
oppasite door of the car and east on
Farnam street with "Bill Jones" hot
on her trail.
"Bill Jones" bought dinner for, the
whole crowd, but he refused to give
his rigt name to reporters who wit
nessed the incidents.
His Work Clothes Were
Ample Disguise, hven
To His Subordinates
Here's how George Armstrong,
to suffering a jail sentence from his
subordinates. '
George is head geek over about
'steen others, including "Owl" Mor
ten, one of the illustratious buzz
wagon steerers. It nearly cost
George his reputation to walk from
the police station to the garage the
other day he had on his working
clothes. George had more grease
on his clothes than John D. re
fined from a Pennsylvania oil well.
His workers were accustomed to
seeing him dolled up in loud clothes
that were more conspicuous than a
pair of tan shoes at a funeral.
When the acting sergeant entered
the garage, his army didn't recog
nize him. Driver Lester Warner
intended to lock him up as a vag, but
said he couldn't waste sleep appear
ing against him in police court next
day.
Several others were under emer
gency cars asleep or repairing doo
hickies. George was in the place
a half hour before any spoke to
him. He didn't like that.
"Whassa matter wid you grease
hounds?" George guffawed sudden
ly." "Don't ya know a guy when ya
see him?" .
All stood at attention and almost
saluted.
They are still wondering about
the "grease-hound" stuff, George
says. ,
Tailors In League
With Booze Hounds;
Dry Limp Now Style
Now it's the "prohibition limp"
that J. H. Hanley, federal prohibi
tion enforcement agent for Omaha,
and his trusty sleuths are watching
for.
Limpers are easy to spot, accord
ing to' the instructions received, as
they invariably wear clothes cut in
the new spring style. It's the style.
in 'tact, that s responsible for the
limp. Seems that designers of the
mode for men, realizing that hip
pockets are no longer in style or in
i,tj iiiuj tia uiu awajr Willi an uif
space in the nev trousers. Then,
to make 'em still different from last
year's, thev out more materia'
the legs, below the knees, giving
something of the effect of the leg
adornment of Uncle Sam's gobs.
Being unable to lug the precious
stuff that cheers the cheerless in
tlie customary gun pocket, bootleg
gers have devised, it is said, an at
tachment that suspends a bottle in
the slack part of the trousers, below
the kne?. But wearing a bottle there
gives them the peculiar gait the
booze hounds are-looking for. It
differs.'Snstructions explain, from
the "hip hump" of previous seasons,
in that the guilty one has no stoop,
but docs march slightly after a mili
tary style .nce popular in Europe.
Some Headlines We Will Never See.
Newspaper Reporter Passes away
LeavMng Five Million Dollars.
Prominent Automobilist Refuses -
To Talk About His New Machine.
Well Known Actress Denies
That Her Jewels Were Stolen.
Tenants Love Apartment Janitor
UIia Te f Tti J f Arm r A rrrAi k1
'HIV w t v-r i vvbwivi
Cafe Waiter Has No Money;
Must Die in the Poorhousc.
lienevolent Old Oentleman (handing
over WHtch) Don't you evwr expert to
rise higher than a common, ordinary .
porch climber?
tiurglar oh, yes: eoine day I hope to
have an airplane and won t have to climb
poichei. Houtlon 1'oaU
r
W I" ''f.