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THE OMAHA SUNDAY BEE
OMAHA, SUNDAY MORNING, JANUARY 11, 1920.
By E. 2. TALKER.
"Cut out the criticism of your own
city."
Sure!
Don't squawk when the bold thug
Taps you on the conk or pokes a
gat under your beak and relieves
. you of yau'r watch, cash and sundry
other valuables.
Say nothing to the police about
the horrid happening. The resulting
publicity might hurt the fair name
of our city.
And it wouldn't scare the thug
anyway.
Above all, be courteous to the
intrepid burglar that invades your
home. Assist him in his search for
valuables. Or play, the Victrola to
entertain him while he ransacks.
Provide refreshments for him, if
possible. 'Neglect nothing that will
. prevent his gaining the wrong im
oression of Omaha hospitality. As
sure him that his considerate visit
will be kept absolutely on the Q. T.
They're Select Crooks.
Remember that ytfurglars are the
upper crust of crookdom. They
move in the elect circle with yegg-
JtLdJ- Us, -do 1
1
6 sottte people
seii
wozi?J Jtaire, . us
Here's a Wild Tale That Will
Thrill You With Emotion
Shipwrecked Sailor, Cannibal King, Box of Onioni
But You Probably Won't Believe It Neither
Do We. ' w -
Charlie Whiteside of the local
navy recruiting station is always
ready to take 1 a chance. "Steve
Brodie ain't got nothin' on me,"
boasts Charlie.
To prove that his gambling spirit
isNjigh class" Charlie tells a good
yarnat his own expense.
Old Cy McBucket, a friend of
Charlie's, was told by his family
physician to take a trip abroad or
he wouldn't live two weeks. Cy
packed up his clean shirt and took
a boat out of New York the next
morning.
The second day out the vessel
kissed an iceburg and starred to
sink. Cy pulled a Kellcrman out of
the crow's nest with the only life
buoy he could find, a big box of
onions. He floated around for a
whole day with his box of onions
before he sighted land. Oh, what
a sight! He sighted land, all right,
but on top of the land were 800 can
nibals and an English clergyman
waiting for him.
Cy floated right on up to the king
cannibal.
Two minutes later Cy and the
clergyman were being undressed, a
big chicken cauldron was steaming
hot waiting for them and the can
nibals were looking forward to a
Mulligan stew.
Cy was doomed. He couldn't have
sold his lease on Iff e for a dime.
He thought of home, his hurried
departure, the wreck and ah, he
thought of the oirlons.
He asked the governor of the
island for a reprieve. It was grant
ed. He selected one of the biggest,
juiciest onioi's in the crate and bow
ing low handed it to king cannibal.
The king bit into it and fell on
his knees in adoration. Then he
gave Cy a furlough. Also he gave
him a bag of gold Cy could hardly
lift,
Cy came back to the U. S. A. a
few wefks later a millionaire.
As soon as Charlie Whiteside
heard Cy's get-rich-quick take, he
decided to go his buddy one better.
Charlie set sail the next day with
a cargo of garlic, stratght for the
cannibal isle.
He got the .same kind of a wel
come Cy had gotten. They were
going to stew him, too. But when
he let the chief have just one little
nibble of his Rarlic they made him
king, with jurisdiction over Cy Mc
Bucket, even. And then they gave
him the best thing on the island
the basket of onions.
men, bank robbers and other high
class" artists. Your particular guest
might even be a member of the
exclusive "'Furlough club." Imagine
what a false impression of our
splendid city he might obtain if
you were inhospitable enough to
turn him over to police or to violate
his confidence by permitting the
news of his visit to become public
property!
Omaha's reputation 'among the
better class of crooks would be
ruined. They might even 'ostracize
us, desert their rich harvest here
and turn their attention " to other
fields.
What a pity! j I '
How can you Expect old H. C. L.
to maintain its standards here when
you are ungrateful enough to ex
pose the exclusively exhorbitant
prices that some profiteer has per
mitted you to pay? You aren't sup
posed to let strangers know what
you pay for things. .
That's a secret.
Don't Say a Word.
Stand back of our institutions.
Make our penitentiaries popular .by
standing so far back that- you ex
press no criticism of the increased
enrollment in the "furlough club."
Imagine the gratitude of it distin
guished members if you considerate
ly say nothing about their initiation
into the popular organization.
On with the play! Say nothing
that might interrupt the gay carnival
of crime. Tactfully avoid criticism
of inefficient public officials. You
might hurt their feeling Sympa
thize with them. They are doing
their best to cover up their rotten
ness and will appreciate your co
operation. Try it and attempt to convince
everyone that there is nothing
wrong wth your town. If you suc
ceed you may be able to convince
yourself that it is o. k. If other
people believe in your town, you
will too.
It isn't what is dene, it's what
they get away with. , Horribleness
and disgrace do not lie in the condi
tions themselves, they lie in the pub
lication of the conditions. The old
Spartans had the idea down pat.
Any sort of crime was a credit if
you suppressed it But it was a dis
grace to be exposed. Keep it quiet.
'Smile serenely and suffer .in
silence!
Once a Fire Horse
Always a Fire Horse!
Just Ask Cliff Baldwin
Once a fir.e horse, always a fire
horse. ' '""
Hundreds of tales have been told
of former fire horses, retired into
commercial life, springing at the
sound of a fire bell to race once
more through the streets.
No fire horse on record ever had
anything on Cliff Baldwin, fireman
cop. " Baldwin was a fireman until two
months ago, when he beecame a
cop. He really was a fireman by
birth, as his father was one of the
old-time firemen.
. Nowadays Cliff may be sitting
supinely in central police station
dreaming of the days when he had
to work for a living, and the fire
gong at the station will sound. Cliff
"comes to" with a jolt and often,
before he recovers his presence of
mind, bowls over' two or three
languid minipns of the law in an ef
fort to hurry out on the "run."
Some Toasts.
A good rustic toast is likely to be
concerned with beef and beer, like
that comprehensive toast of Arca
dian wilds, "The Nine B's," which
is-as much as to say: Baker's best
bread, butcher's best beef and brew
er's best beer. In another form it
runs: "The inside of a loaf, the out
side of a jail, a pound of beef strtk
and a pot of good ale." TJic plow
is toasted by qn enigma: "Life be
fore, dead in the middle and body
and soul behind." The shy carter
gives for a toast: "Scorched bread
and well buttered," adding, "if that
ain't toast, I'm bothered." To a
farmer's wife, according to the Lon
don Morning Post, it is polite to
raise ; your glass with the words:
'"Ere-s good 'ealth to 'ee, mum, an
may J-er alius 'ave the strength ter
push about same as yew-does now.
and set a pattern t' all the farmers'
wives way round."
Bouquet of
Live,
Human Interest Stories About People
jef f ingwell Expands On
Real -Virtue of Patieiice
Exemplifies Propoundings With Personal Conduct
Young Son Cannot Abstain From Mirthful Quips
Madame Shoots Holes In Philosophy as Usual.
1 By EDWARD BLACK.
J Mrs. ; What's-Her-Name tripped
with alacrity to the Leffingwell lodge
' to pass the time of day and to show
her new house dress which she pur
chased at a sale where ,he met an
old friend whom she had not seen
for eight years and with whom she
neighbored during the primitive
days of her married life.
"What do you think?" the caller
"asked, her respiratory organs dis
closing high nerve tension. "Some
thing dreadful has happened over
at our house and I don't believe you
could guess what it is. My man
and I had a quarrel and it was just
too awful for any use. It wasn't
my fault, either; he started it. I
had "to come over t and tell you
about it, because I had, to tell some
one. '
"We quarreled .over having our
photograph taken together. He in
sisted that I should wear my new
hat and I argued that I would look
better without my hat, and then he
said I should have my photograph
taken alone, and then I cried and
told ' him that he would not have
spoken that way eight, years ago
when we .had our picture taken at
a summer park where he bought
four ,ice cream cones for me the
same day. Do you think I should
let him have his way?"
"Treat 'Em Rough."
"Treat 'em rough," is my policy.
Don't you yield an inch and he will
incline his ear to your way of think
ing," Mrs. Leffingwell replied. "The
trouble is that you have nearly kill
ed your man with fondness. Make
him get up once in a while and cook
his own breakfast and then he will
change his tune."
s"But.he is so good to me at
times," the neighbor added. "Yes
terday he set a mouse trap for me.
Wasn't that just grand?"
Mrs. Leffingwell failed to see any
thing grandoise in the feat of a man
setting a mouse trap for his wife, but
she did know what would happen if
Henry Leffingwell demurred when
. there were any traps needing atten
tion in the Leffingwell inn.
y Defend the Household.
Daring the previous night, when
the Leffingwell home nest was as si
lent as churchyard," and the hour
. was 4 p. m., ,an unusual noise in the
basement . aroused the lady of the
house, who had been reading of gen
tlemen burglars, highjackers and
other nocturnal visitors."
She aroused her soul mate, whose
snorings reverberated through the
stillness of : the night. She com
manded him to arise and defend the
household." The noise was caused
by the falling of eoaL' but Henry,
valiant knight of the manor, exam
ined the premises and reported "all
clear." r,--- .
"You didn't say how you liked my
new house dress," Mrs. What's-Her-Name
remarked, as she turned her
steps homeward.
Henry LefhngwcU came into the
vjx m m ri by a. stingbiL ft jj J
scenery and averted the possibility
of his family complaining of ennui,
tedium or anything of that nature.
This autocrat of Jhe evening meal
was taciturn when he took his seat
at table, which was a mental con
dition indicating that something
was coming. There was something
on his mind. '
.The Leffingwelis were growing
impatient, something akin to the au
dience that waits for a belated per
formance to start. They were wish
ing that the show would begin.
One of the causes of unrest in
this country is impatience," Leffing
well commenced. "Nationally, we
are impatient; individually, we are
impatient. We are not patient
enough with each other.
' One of Cardinal Virtues.
"Patience, I contend, is one of the
cardinal virtues. I am going to be
an apostle of patience and I want
the Leffihgwells to be exemplars of
this virtue, so that all of the neigh
bo may catch the inspiration and
ft will spread until this country is a
nation of patience." ,
"Pa, I believe I heard some more
coal falling in ;'ie cellar," Willie
remarked, impertinently.
Mrs. T-effingwell cast a reproving
glance toward her son.
Leffingwell, appearing like pa
tience on a monument, continued,
undismayed:
The Madam Yawns.
"We have not learned the real les-
son of patience. Many of us are
ready to fight at the drop of a hat,
not thinking that with patience and
forebearance all of our ilia will be
healed in the fullness of time. We
grow impatient at the government,
at the telephone service, the high
cost of living and we are impatient
if we have to wait a minute for a
street car. Impatience reduces ouf
efficiency and impairs our physical
fitness."
Mrs. Leffingwell looked at the
clock and yawned.
"Henry Leffingwell," his wife be
gan, with, her usual air of finality.
"If I were as impatient as you are, I
would take a rest cure. If you don't
find your shirt the moment you loSk
for it you give a ghost dance or re
mind one of a howling dervish. You
couldn't thread a needle without
letting out an assortment of lan-i
guage not permitted at the Friday
Morning Culture club."
Merely a Suggestion.
"Be patient, ma, be patient," Wil
lie urged.
"Before -you start your national
campaign of patience, Henry, I
would suggest that you go down
into the basement and set those four
mouse traps without suspending the
rules of English."
"Yes, fa, sing us a song while you
setythe traps," Willie interposed.
"Well, if you insist, Mrs. Lef
fingwell, I will set the traps for you,"
meekly replied the autocrat of the
supper U .
Early Romance Casts
Cloud Over the Life
Of General Stinger
Love Like That of Great Italian
Poet Nipped By Rude Conduct
of Girl's Father.
The romance of General' Stinger
occurred during the first years after
he came to Omaha. He was then
engaged in the practice of his pro
fession.' The young woman upo"h whom he
yvvtsetfj
day the head of a happy family
ended tn disaster.
It was this:
One Sunday, after the young man
had been calling on his fair one for
about five years, as he was sitting
down td the dinner table at . hei
home, her lather became abusive.
"Why d.on't you loosen up once in
a while?" he demanded in a loud and
unruly voice. "You eat our grub,
burn our light and you never spend
a cent, you poor nickel-nurser."
His Pride Hurt
Astonished as he was at this lan
guage, Mr.- Stinger, nevertheless,
kept his temper and attempted to an
swer the rude speech with a jest, at
the same time begyining to eat bis
soup. i
However, the father of the young
woman leaped at him, seized him in
a most unseemly manner by the coat
collar and trousers, propelled him
to the door, pushed him outside and
then- kicked him down the steps of
the porch. I
Mr. Stinger never went there I
again. He was too proud. His na--f(
ture, easily affected, sensitive, kept
him forever after from that home,
where he felt he had not been wel
comed in a cordial and whole-hearted
manner.
The young woman afterward mar
ried a plumber and now rides about
in her limousine. She never even,
End of Mr. Stinger's Romance.
lavished hi. affections was beautiful
beyond the dreams of avarice.
Their meeting was much like that
of Dante, the poet, and Beatrice.
They met on a street car, young Mr.
Stinger rising to give the young
woman a seat, the car being crowded.
The friendship" ripened and soon
Mr. Stinger, who was of a th'rifty
disposition, was spending every Sun
day at her home, partaking of dinner
and supper regularly there.
A Noble Nature.
His was a great nature vhich did
note easily take offense. When her
brother, Bilt by name, gru.nl led that
it was "a wonder spine folka
wouldn't cay for their own eats,"
Mr. Stinger would pretend not to
understand or else would pass off
the rude remark with some merry
jest.
He and the young woman were
friends for several yevs. Each
Christmas he presented her with a
smail box ot candy. He held hat it
wasn't the sue of the box, but the
spirit which it was given, that
counted in a Christmas gift.
He also took the girl of his heart
to the moving picture show on each
anniversary of her birthday.
, So it can be seen that dure was
nothing cheap about Mr Stinger
But. alas! The affection which
might have made 'General Stinger to-
General Stinger and His Nephews
and Nieces.
From" left to right the children are:
Willie Stinger, Wood Stinger. Otto dinger,
Ima Stinger, Vrm Stinger, Ananias Stinger,
jr., an1 Caetar Ntinger.
showed regret, for the rudeness of
her parent.
General Stinger never speaks of
the-incident nor of the romance
which, has made of him a solitary
man. Fame and power are his, but
he goes through life without the af
fection of wife and children. ,
He has, however, seven little niec
e and nephews, children of his sis
ter. On" them he lavishes his affec
tion, going there for Sunday dinner
and supper and sometimes taking
with him 10-cents worth of sweets
for thc litlc ones.
A TRICK CAR.
(Broct Itemi In Nemaha County
Republican.)
Last Saturday Nate Garber
when coming to town in his
Ford near G. G. Gilberts home
had the car turn over. The
radius rod had broke and the
car tipped over landing partly
on a fence post which kept the
car off the ground enough so
Mr. Garber. could crawl out.
The Gilbert road must be "hoo
dooed" as this is the third acci
dent to happen along there dur
ing the fall.
Usually It's Wet Goods. ' .
(Stromsburg Headlight)
Roy L. Ericson departed for
St. Joe and other points Mon
day, in the search of more dry
goods. Roy has the only dry
Floods store in town now and it
keeps him jumping under ex-
isting conditions to get a hold
of enough goods to take care of
his trade.
DREAMS'OF YOUTH.
As pecked out on our typewriter by
Boso, the night messenger boy, who
Is prohibited from using our
typewriter.)
"Bozo knock out Ben the
Jewish Kid in the fiveth round
and know he is the champon '
of the wether weight the next
fight will beV Year-Old Kid
S. O. S.!
(Greely Citizen.)
Notice The party that bor
rowed my wheelbarrow frbm
Mrs. Gilson's house last June
will please return it as I need
it J. J. Davey.
Any Old News for Sale Today?
(Stanton Register.)
We are still in the market
for country news and will be
pleased to 'have you send in
news from your district or'your
community. Send in a batch of
news and we'll write you as to
the details ctf furnishing it reg-.
ularly. Pont Printing Co.
WHITE-FROST.
John W. Frost and Sessie White
were granted a license to wed in the
Douglas county judge's-office . last
Wednesday.
Ought to Be a Happy Marriage.
Pleasie Rather was the name of a
bride married by County Judge
Crawford last Thursday.
Begged for Squad of
Machine Gunners to
Protect Valuable Packet
"Call for the suicide squad."
Traffic Officer Ford last week en
tered the army recruiting building
and issued a call for a squad of
machine gunners to accompany him
home with a dozen eggs. A large
rope was tied around the small box
to prevent a possible mishap to the
valuable package.
"They are not 24 hours old and I
fl4!ld turn on the gas if I were to
lose or drop them," said Ford.
Blue-Eyed Hostess
Likes "Pretty" Part
But Not "Brown" Eyes
"Brown eyesl"
Miss Doris Goethe, convention
hostess of the Chamber of Com
merce, paused in her reading and ad
dressed her stenographer:
"Do my eyes show any signs of
changing color?" she queried hope
fully. The stenographer gazed into Miss
Goethe's very blue eyes, and being a
quiet stenographer, said, "No, why?'
"Why! Read this!" exclaimed the
blue-eyed hostess indignantly, pass-
ing "Community Service," a small
magazine published at Birmingham,
Ala., to the stenographer for inspec
tion. Three full pages were devoted fo
the system of welcoming wives of
men attending conventions in Oma
ha, as innovated by Miss Goethe.
It was a very complimentary arti
cle, both to Omaha and to Miss
Goethe, and advocated that the
same system be started in Birming
ham. But a paragraph, describing Miss
Goethe as "a pretty brown-eyed lit
tle lady" had spoiled it all, accord
ing to Miss Goethe.
Not that Miss Goethe was angry
about the description. Oh! My no!
It wasn't true, of course, not even
the "pretty" adjective which had
been so cunningly inserted, but then
well, it wasn't so bad to have 'em
write things like that about you.
It was the brown-eyed part that
was so absurd. Brown eyes were
nice if you had 'em but it wasn't
so nice to have everyone who read
the thing looking at you ai.d discov
ering that you didn't have 'em.
This is the way Miss Goethe ex
plained her objection to the article,
and her stenographer, who has
brown eyes, agreed with her.
Sergeant Rogers
Gets Large Mess of
British Decorations
i
Sergeant "Doc" Rogers, in charge
of the "red tape," or publicity, at
the armv recruiting office. Fifteenth
and Dodge streets, last week was
"decorated'' with a whole flock of
medals by Major Cavanaugh. The
awarding of the medals was such a
sudden shock to "Doc" that he
dropped the glass-covered case in
which they had been placed, break
ing the glass covering in "gobs" of
pieces.
The beautiful decorations were
for "meritorious service on the field
and for conspicuous and gallant
service. The deeds and merits are
too numerous to mention, but the
medals, including the military cross,
distmguished conduct medal, meri
torious service and distinguished
conduct medal, are among the very
highest awarded tfy the British gov
ernment. , ' "
To tell the positive truth. 'Doc
didn't reallv win the medals, nor is
he going to keep them. Major
Cavanaugh received them from
Washington to be placed on display
at the army building and they were
given - to "Doc, the "publicity
hound," tcKmake arrangements for
their, exhibition.
Pat Was Sorry, but He Can't
Know Everyone in Nebraska
West Virginian Evidently Thought Pat Kept Close
Tab on Actions of Each Husker Hopeful Mien
Soon Changed to One of Disappointment.
Pat McGovern, attached to the
office of superintendent of mails in
the post office, has occasion to meet
the general public during the day's
work and thereby isgaining a lot
of knowledge about men and affairs.
He says he has cultivated a broad
sympathy for the inquiring human
mind v and "overlooks many of the
foolish questions asked.
A young six-foot male speciman
appeared at the window last week
and identified himself as being from
West Virginia, which Mr. McGov
ern quickly located on his mental
map as being one of the southern
states and foremost in connection
with the early history of the na
tion. Wrote .to Him Once.
"I want to find Ed Lewis," the
stranger began, by way of stating
his business.
Mr. McGovern asked N whether
Lewis lived in Omaha and explained
the extent and use of the city di
rectory and the telephone dfrectory.'
"He lives in Nebraska and he
wrote to me once. I want his ad
dress so I can find him," the man
from West Virginia added.
"All you know is that he lives in
Nebraska and you want me to give
you his address, is that what I un
derstand?" the postoffice man asked.
Beaming With Hope.
The stranger nodded affirmatively,
his face beaming with hope.
Mr. McGovern finally succeeded in
making the man at the window un
derstand that while the Omaha post
office attaches are posted on many
subjects, there is a limit to their wis
dom and that limit stops before it
reaches a knowledge of the address
cf everybody in Nebraska.
The West Virginia man was dis
appointed, but convinced.
He Might Have Thought
One of Those" Sheriffs
Was Hot On His Trail
Bernard McCarthy, Council
Bluffs, will never be called a con
noisseur of automobiles. Hit
"buddies" in the Bluffs will not take
anything he says about cars as ex
actly right. June 30 (almost July
1) "Mac" and several other auto
"bugs" went to Kansas City to drive
back some cars for an Omaha firm.
The trip homeward started July
2 and the string of cars passed
sheriffs an' everything without be
irijsr stopped.
About half way home a tire from
"Mac's" car was seen to fly in the
air. Everybody stopped but Mac.
He didn't seem to notice anything
out of the way and kept right on
going. Pat Griffin another member
of the "almost tourists" picked up
the tire and started after him.
Mac thought it was a race he
was looking for and "let her go."
Finally after five miles of riding
over rough roads, bridges and other
things that would Indicate the un
easy riding of a car, Pat convinced
Mac that he wanted to tell him
something and McCarthy stopped.
"Why that's funny," he remarked
when shown the bare wheel. "I didn't
notice anything. I guess the
wheels were "tired." answered Pat.
Twice Baked.
Now is the season given o'er to
sniffs and sneezes.
The biting wind is followed close by
balmy breezes.
But these are happy days for us,
For every poetizing cuss
May write and sell to magazines the
same old wheezes.
Cartoons Magazine.
Growing Old
It seems but yesterday when I
Was full of pep and was young and
spry,
I worked all day and danced all night
And I got up feeling out of sight.
But now, if I stay out once a week,"
My head feels dull and my joints all
squeak.
I've not changed much in my form
or face'
But I can't bat 'round with the old
time grace. x
Trie solemn trutfr is impressed .
on me,
I'm not as young as I used to bt.
It seems but yesterday when I
Was round and hittin' the spots
called high.
'Tis no time since I was a gay
young blade,
But now I can't somehow make the
grade.
Let others go out and make the
speed,
I'd rather sit home and smoke
and read.
I do not yearn for the first row seat
At the musical shows, but am mora
discreet.
And so, it is very plain to se,
I'm not as young as I used to be.
My hair it is thinner, by far, on top.
And now a young buster calls me
"pop."
And another sign is on hand. Gee
whiz
A little touch of the rheumatie.
Now any old color tie will do.
I'm wearing a chest protector, too.
I've lost all love for the rowdydow,
I'm playing cribbage and checkers
now.
The women's fashion's are naught to
mc,
I'm not as,young as I used to be. i
, rRoy K. Mpultoa-