TOPI
to
BBV
IN MEMORIAM
mest feraQreat spMt
AaS passed Ti-s uf. . T
I I I
will he hrvhv.
The Omaha Sunday Bee
10 B
OMAHA, SUNDAY ' MORNING, DECEMBER 21, 1919.
The headache parlors haveall ,jfre street Railway Componui connder
dup thejrmte mtir- . pdi55)n$ ,,, thai will alio paS- ,
then andrmaditfo.theiaraiert f & , '
ofthemerrusudsw,1ljlcind9An9 Pfef$es not hf$er
and sind'Tl wemeeta&ain than ?XdXVm during irte mopping
. MISi WATJOM l I WOULD im
- k'rl
Ihfsapp who butted Mo the wome?t
dcpdrirqent
It we alt worked as hard ciT our jobs as we do
durm6 the shopping craze , the hospitals. would
tu full of physical weeks ' ,
1 1
7t Hv
v m 3 x r r ii i r x. --1 i y
hp ' mm x
"Do your Christmas shopping
. early," is an overworked phrase, in
dented to lighten the work of the
downtrodden working girl.
The very sound of it should bring
the joy of Yuletide into the hearts
.of our generous male population.'
What could be sweeter than to give?
And what could be nicer than to
buy what your're going v to give
early, thus avoiding the rush and
giving the clerks a chance to
breathe? ks ' k ( ,
Yes, the early shopping slogan
ahould cause the aforementioned
male heart to leap with the joy of
giving, should cause him" to dig
deep into his pocket and produce
the wherewith to accomplish the
early shopping, and should bring a
smile ot serene contentment to nis
"countenance but it doesn'tl
f Man, Gets Tired.
Fill Html 111 : umi viaioiiuaa
draws near and the early shopping
stuff begins to get popular, the
proverbial tired business man gets
even more tired. ' -
He js often heard huming Chop
in's well-known funeral march and
trying to figure out why the "do
your Christmas shopping" bunk
would make such art excellent' lyric
for that highly diverting tune.
And well may he be sad. How
could he be otherwise when the
very sound of the slogan warns him
that he must finance" innumerable
. shopping tours, that he must cen
sor a two-yard . list of persons who
. . -7
jusf must be remembered, cutting it
down to exactly 25 names, at one
night's session, and finding that it
has grown to three yards in length
by the next night.
Dreams of Shopping.
We repeat well, may he be sad.
Visions of himself, rendered invisi
ble by armloads of Christmas pack
ages, trying to .mount the steps of
a crowded street car, haunt hyn He
sees himself dropping a $25 import
ed vase for aunt Emma, back in
Vermont, and awakes with-a groan
of anguish.
He pictures himself with the in
separable host of packages, trying
to tip his hat to his pretty stenog
rapher. He can even quiver with
shame at her cold stare when he
fails. ''
The possibility of meeting the of
fice boy while struggling homeward,
a beast of burden.Carrying at least
a ton of presents and facing , that
This n The spasm 0 Me uear when your re tat ires
' cats lor a pov won and you hare to par your
set in the' basement .
Finds Diamond, Lost Over
Two Years, Safe in His Safe
, .. . N
Prominent Omaha Club Woman Rejoices When Absent
- Minded Husband Finds Wedding Gift "Lost" in
-Safety Deposit Vault for Two Years and a Half.
Tweaty-eight years agiX he gave
her a diamond barpin for her wed
ding gift The pin was valued at
$1,000 then.
Tjno and a half years ago she
gae it backs to htm and asked him
to put it in his safety box down
town for safe keeping. Its value
iad so increased tha"t she feared to
wear it
Several days later he came pranc
ing1 home with the heart-breaking
announcement that he had, fastened
the pin in the back of his laoel. and.
forgetting it was there, had sent the
suit to the cleaners. When the suit
was returned he could not find the
pin.
Both of them searched high and
low for the alnjost priceless jewel,
but it could not be found, and they
finally resigned themselves to its
loss.
Last Monday he proudly strut
ted into their home on Woolworth
avenue, fairly bursting with the good
news. w
He had, found the precious bar-
Father
youiiff man's cynical grin, causes
him to grit his teeth in despair.
. Accompanies Friend Wife.
A picture, of a long eared burro,
inifffflincr under a load twice its
size, hanging over his desk in the
office, causes "him to swear violently
that he will never, be made a beast
of burden, even if it is Christmas.
But a beast of burden he becomes,
nevertheless. He follows the wife
from department to department,
from store to store, shouldering an
ever-increasing burden without pro
test He even ventures to do a little
shopping, of his own buy someJjjing
for the wife, you know and curses
himself -for waiting until the day be
fore Christmas. ,
- Silk Hose Ordeal.
' 1
Stores are disgustingly crowded;
clerks are tired. He gets lost in the
ribbon department, when "he didn't
even want to buy ribbons. He
stammers when he asks, a pretty lit-
Alant 0 the poa!r t amires or Omaha rvi ft hare no cause
for ttie exclamation ot 'happiness unless the )rberdl big-hearted
Citizens orumana mare n prossroe ror riem ronave a i -t, a 1 't
liWe Christmas w their home. Merry Christmas! what cheer lhe rfiisifnd pla.nt ison
the two little words c?rr " ' cttM p&Mme and
mat 100K at least is minutes to pick
out , , -
. v Oh! You Mistieto.
tie clerk for "something nice in silk
hose," blushes when she asks what
size and adds hastily that they're
for the wife. " .
There are other attendant discom
forts to Christmas. Relatives have
a way of arriving on Christmas eve
and occupying your favorite and
only bed,' making your eight-pound
turkey look like a bantam hen and
giving you bright red neckties in ex
change for something really dice
ofeoSt Office.
But after all Christmas comes but
once a year. It's generally a happy
day, especially when the pretty
daughter, of the next door neighbor
drops in and stands under the mis
tletoe and the wife is in the kitchen
and can't see what happens.
It's lots of funtoo, to open funny
shaped packages, even if you know
they don't contain, what you want.
Besides you know there won't be
any more packages to carry till next
year. "
And strange as it may seem the
average male iti his New Year's res
olutions generally includes a re-s
solve to do his Christmas shopping
early. What's more, he keeps the
resolve until next Christmas.
How hit bosom swells with pride.
How he sighs in deep relief,
How he feels a happy thrill
That is 'most beyond belief. ,
How he laughs and shakes in glee,
How he .almost chokes with joy,
When the nurse comes down the
hall
And she whispers, "It's a boy."
How he scowls and shakeshis fist,
How he raves and paws the air;
How he mutters to himself
Awful exclamations there.
How his mind is full of doubt,
And his brain is in a whirl, '
When the nurse comes to his side
And she whispers, "It's a girl."
' 1
How he clutches at the wall 1
And he gasps to get a breath,
How he reels as if to fall,
And his face turns white as death.
How he groans in his despair,
And the nurse adroitly grins.
As she meets him on the stair
And announces, "They are twins."
Wily Farmer Gives
Police Assumed Name
And Fools Reporters?
A farmer had just reported ta
the police that two men had fleeced
him out of $200 bv matching dollars.
In the hallway of the police sta
tion on his way out a Bee reporter
accosted him. The reporter ques
tioned the farmer about his loss but
refrained from taking notes.
When the tale had been told, the
reporter asked casually, "Where
catf we find you in case these men
are arrested?"
"Well," said the farmer. "I gave
the police operator the wrong name
but my right address and telephone
number, well here's my right name.
I knew if she put my right name on
the report, the newspapers would
prjnt it. If those men are arrested
get in touch with me, here's my
name, address and telephone num
ber." "Thank you," said the reporter.
"It would be terrible to let any
newspaper men get your right name
or he'd surely print it on the front
page. . -
pin, with its beautiful stone intact
And when he told her how he
had found it, she gave , him the
laugh."
"I went to, put some papers away
in the safety drawer of the safe," he
told her.- "But the drawer wouldn't
push clear back the way it should.;
"I took it out and felt blindly in
the dark hole to find .what might be
the trouble. My fingers grasped a
piece of sdnjething soft, which had
been crammed into the crevice at
the base of the drawer slide and lo,
when I brought it to light, it was
the ribbon on which you gave me
the bar pin we lost two and a half ,
years ago. ' ,
"I must have put the pin in the
safe, after all, and forgotten all
about it until that suit came back
from the cleaners and then I
thought I had. lost the thing."
And Mrs. Edward Johnson, prom
inent Omaha club woman, is still
giving her husband the laugh.
' 1,1
V
T
Bouquet Interest Stories About People"
Eligible Omaha Bachelors
"Good morninr. Mrs. Worden. Is
the rector In?" :
How does that sound to you,
girls? '.V;'I ' -r, .
Well air, this Jweek we are pre
senting our first .clergyman eligible
bachelor, Rev. Carl Worden, assist
ant to Rev. ' T. J. Mackay at All
Saints Episcopal church.
Strange thing, isn't it,that there
aren't many 1 bachelor preachers?
You'd ' think that, with the small
salaries and everything, plenty of
ministers would be bachelors. But,
no. Such is not the case. We fmd
there are many more bachelor law
yers, in proportion, than there are
ministers. ,
Why Preachers Marry.
This may be due to the fact that
the ministers " have faith that the
Lord will take care of them and a
wife as He does of the sparrows.
Surely that must be the explana
tion. 1
. But, be that as it may, the fact
remains that Rev. Carl Worden is
an'"eligible bachelor.
"Are you inclined toward mar
riage?" we demanded -e him.
He-laughed loud and long.
"Well, I am not opposed to' if
said he, "but the fair sex don't seem
to agree with me on the proposi
tion.8 We told him that, with, all respect
for the cloth, we doubted this re
mark, ,For we had heard several
ladies say that they thought he was
"awfully nice."
i Perhaps you haven't asked 'em?"
we suggested. ....
Rev. Mr, Worden laughed louder
and longer than he did the first time.
Leap Year Coming.
"Well," he aaid at last "next year
will be leap year and then maybe
something will happen to me."
We remarked that we hoped so.
On the stage, clergymen are in
rariably pictured with solemn faces
and sepulchral voices. In real life
they aren't so. Especially the Hey.
Carl is not .so. His countenance
continually radiates sunshine, bene
ficence, benevolence and good will
toward man (and woman). He
laughs easily.- In fact, he's as jolly
as. any bartender we ever knew.
And that's the way a clergyman
should be.
He wai bora on a farm near re
toskey, . Mich., and pursued - his
higher education in. the University
of Michigan, "University of Chicago
and Western. Theological seminary,
Chicago.
Boys His Hobby.
Having completed all . this, he
came to Omaha five years ago and
became Sector of St Matthias Epis
copal church.! A year ago he be
came assistant to Rev. T. J. Mackay
at All Saints. ; . .
His hobby is boys.' He is in
Juvenile court' every Saturday and
some. of the "bad" boya are paroled
to him. He has about 30 under his
parole at all times. They report to
him regularly and he gives them lots
of good advice and makes better
boys of them. ' A
He is head of Boy Scout Troop
No. 43, composed of South Tenth
street.; boys and ' he likes to take
them'on long hikes. ,
playi gem lefiftU usi m
llUlll I II T l
golf though he says he isn't much
of a hand at either. ' .
He lives . at 1330 South , Thirty
second street . '
It is true, as he says, that next
year is leap year. And the begin
ning of that year of feminine oppor
tunity is less than two weeks away,
girlsf , - - : ' i
Bluffs Swain Makes
Long Journey Every
Time He Visits 'Sweety'
Omaha has some long streets, ac
cording to Phil Kelly, Council
Bluffs, who at times honors Omaha
with his presence in the capacity of
making a call on a certain girl. But
it "has been suggested to him that
he have his girl "move into town,"
if the directions he has given as to
her address are to be taken as true.
Sunday night is sure to find " P.
D." in Omaha and he is not seen
from 6 p. m. until the wee hours
of the morning. No, he doesn't
stay with his girl that late at least,
he says, he doesn't but admits she
lives a considerable distance from
the center of town. . His latest ex
ploit resulted in his missing the last
car downtown and "P. D." says he
almost died of old age before he
reached home, ' -
Melodrama While You
EatinLu
" Big Department Store
Someone wrote years ago that
the misfortunes of others offer op
portunitfes for merriment. We
know that when a person slips on a
banana peeling and upsets his or her
equanimity, spectators are sure to
laugh, and the same may be said of
the fat man chasing his stra.w hat
on a warm day. :-.
The following incident occurred
in the lunch room of an Omaha de
partment store last week, during the
noonday Christmas shopping rush.
A waitress, carrying a tray laden
with dishes of soup, coffee, pie and
other orders, was moving between
the small tables, her mind evidently
speculating on what her sweetheart
would give her for Christmas. She
tripped against one of the table
legs and, with the tray, went down
with a dull thud. Her downfall was
so complete that patrons could not
restrain their feelings, although they
sympathized with the unfortunate
girl. The manner in which some
women moved to escape the oncom
ing deluge added to the merriment
of those who were on the side
lines
A mere boy, sitting with his
mother, remarked, "Ma, could you
do that?"
Then to make the scene more
dramatic, a woman fainted and was
carried to the rest room by two
strong men.
Barber Says Some 50
Tons of Human Hair
Burned Here Yearly
What becomes of all the hair
clipped from Omaha men's heads
in the course of a year?
y- This question was propounded to
a barber at Nineteenth and Farnam
streets and he replied that the. hair
is burned up.
I saved up all the human hair
that was clipped in my barber shops
some years ago for two years," he
said, "and I bought hair from other
barber shops because a man agreed
to buy kit from me. He .said he
could sell it in St Louis.
"I.had about two tona when he
found that there was no market for
it Human hair breaks and deteri
orates rapidly. It is not good, as
some people believe, to put in plas
ter. For one thing, it is too short
and for another, it hasn't got the
strength. All the barbers of Oma
ha do with it, is burn it up."
This barber, estimates that about
SO tons of hair "are gtowff on the
"beans" of Omaha men in the
course of a year.
This is figured at the rate of one
pound per man -and deducting for
such persons as ex-Mayor Dahlman,
Ben S., Baker and John C Whar
ton, who, for obvious reasons, do
not produce more than an ounce or
tWO. . ''-, N -
Why the Cop Smiled. -
Traffic Cop When I signal you lo
stop, I want you to stop. The next
time it will cost yOH a five!
Autoist Sav. brother, if vou can
fshow me how to stop this sheet-iron
Lizzard any quicker than I did 111
give yog ten! Cartoons. Magazine.
Vsl m m fl BY A . STINQBtO
JLirti 3J
GENERAL STINGER WILL BE A
CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY
Remarkable Platform on Which His
Election in November la Prac
tically Assured.
OTHER CANDIDATES ALARMED
General A. Stinger, editor of The
Bumble Bee, has at last yielded to
the demand of many prominent
Voters and decided to allow his
name to be used as a candidate for
president of the ' United States.
This announcement startled the
entire country today.
"I appreciate the honor which has
been conferred upon me," he said
to a party of nearly half a dozen
friends who waited upon him in
his palatial home last week and
urged him to make the race.
. "If elected," he continued, "I shall
know neither color, race, nor creed,
but shall endeavor to bring Justice
to one and all. With the policies
which I shall put into operation,
everybody will be satisfied and
happy.
Feels Duty's CalL
While, of course, I should prefer
the ease of private life in the bosom
of my family and in the manage
ment of my publishing interests;
who am I that I should seek to
escape the call of my fellow-citizens
to the highest office within the gift
of the people.
'"I view with alarm the course of
our beloved country, these United
States. Whither are we drifting?
Something must be done and I
promise you that I will do it with
all the power of my brain and hand.
I thank you."
General Stinger has prepared a
platform on which he will make the
race. It is as follows:
1. Immediate reduction "of the
cost of living to the level of
1910 and maybe more. Milk, 5
cents a quart; bread, S cents a
loaf; beefsteak, '15 cents a
pound; eggs, IS cents a dozen,
etc.
2. Labor must have its re
ward. Therefore, wages in all
lines of industry should be in
creased at once (as soon as I
take office) at least 50 to 75
per cent and maybe more.
3. The pass system on all rail
roads should be restored and '
free passes allowed to all
working men, professional
men and their families and
friends.
4. Capital must also be treated
fairly.' . ,
S. "Intoxicating liquor" should
be defined as liquor containing
more than 50 per cent alcohol
Thtsjs the"eneral's platform only
in part. He is working on it daily
and expects to have it finished soon.
His political advisers believe it will
be, the most popular platform and
that rival candidates will have no
chance at all.
Bugg Campaign Manager
J. Doodle Bugg, who was closely
associated with General Stinger
out, nearly every ..community has
postmasters to be appointed - and
ethers also need U. S. marshals,
collectors of revenue, tax collectors,
etc. '
"These positions," said Mr. Sugg,
"will go to those who support and
vote for General Stinger."
"General Stinger's election is
merely a matter of getting enough
votes," continued Mr. Bugg in the
lucid manner for which he is known.
"Thtf" country is demanding Stinger
for president. How can there be
any doubt about the result?"
General Stinger is already at
work on his campaign speeches and
is understood to be, getting up a
list of stories to tell like Lincoln
did as well as a set of maxims,
proverbs and terse sayings which he
is selecting from a book.
Upper Berths Win Favor
; Of American Travelers
i f
When Given Preference of Chair Car or Trip "Up
Pullman Ladder" Haughty Woman Decides to.
Climb Coal Order Ends Luxurious Travel. ;
latest photograph of General A. Stinger,
editor, philanthropist and utategman, who
has Just announced his candidacy for the
presidency of the United States.-
while the) general was road super
visor from 1901 to 1902, has accept
ed the position of campaign man
ager, '
"I have accepted the post partly
because of my admiration for Gen
eral Stinger and partly because I
feel that, in these days of unrest
for our beloved country, these
United States, we need the biggest
man we can get in the White
House," safd Mr. Bugg. "I have
been promised the position of am
bassador to Bogota if, or rather
when General Stinger is elected.
"General Stinger's hat is in the
ring and he will make a whirlwind
campaign and take the country by
storm. He received a letter today
from the mayor of Rabbit Run, en
dorsing his candidacy. The board
cf trade at Cave Crossing, it is un
derstood, will soon adopt resolu
tions endorsing his candidacy."
The People's Choice.
All over the country "Stinger-for-President"
clubs will icon be being
organized, it is believed when the
common people realize that Gen
eral Stinger is really going to be
elected. -.For, as Mr. Bugg pointed
ii
:....
. A LARGE PARISH.
(Johnson County Journal.) 1 ' -
A daughter born to Mr. and
Mrs. William Parish1 Thanks
giving day was the fifteenth
child born to them. With one
exception, this is the largest
family in Johnson county. Mr.
and Mrs. Lawrence"Morrissey,
residing west of Tecumseh, are
the parents of 17 children
Or, Can It Be Our Ignorance?
Out of a list of 90 presidents and
chief executives of the great rail
roads of America which appeared
in a recent advertisement we had
heard of only 17. Sic est gloria
mundil In other words, what's the
use!
IDLE TEARS.
We didn't feel overwhelmed with
pity last week for the youth who
"Weeps Silently at Bier of Sweet
heart" who had killed herself be-cause-of
his alleged treatment of her.
His weeps don't restore her young
ute. . .
x . higISackets.
(Bast Lynne News in Clay County Sun.)
t Do you know what "High
jackets" are? vWell, if you don't
read the daily papers. It seems
like Omaha is just full of them.
' High jackets are some awfully
dry people and we would not
care much if that kind of people
only were in Omaha, but some
time ago one of our neighbors
went to town Saturday evening
as usual and when they got
..home that night, they noticed
someone had been in the house,
in every corner of it, in the cel
lar and up in the attic, t noth
ing was missed only a half bottle
of blackberry ' bitters, when
there was plenty lofvgood stuff
, to take. Well,- our neighbors
stay at home nights now to look
out for the highjackets.
SURE I HE'LL T6 IT.'
Lincoln, Neb., Dec. 32. Beryl
Kirk returned here today and gave
himself up to Warden Fenton of
the state penitentiary.
I heard that Oovernor McKelvie
had revoked my furlough, so I took
the first train for Lincoln and am
ready to serve the remainder of my
sentence, ne saia,
Gone are the days of luxurious
travel, when all good . trains car'
ried ladies' ntaids. valets, barbers
and furnished telephone service at
all large cities. Gone are the days
when staterooms or at least a sec
tion were absolutely imperative to
-fastidious American travelers and
when upper berths well, when up
per berths were ""Simply impossible.
. With the emergency cut in pas
senger service the crack excess
fare trains, 'the pride of all lines,
ceased to exist The proud palaces
which once , flashed through towns
and cities at a speed which reduced
miles to yards now come to grumb
ling halts at water tanks and vil
lages which even the largest 'maps
fail to record. The Overland Lim
ited is now a humble local, the
Twentieth Century limited and the
Rocky Mountain limited, trains ..ot
nationwide fame, have become leg
ends. ,
Stateroom ia Necessary.
All of which prepares us for the
entrance of a woman of haughty
demeanor. She approached a clerk
in the consolidated ticket office, and
produced a lorgnette
"I wish to reserve a stateroom on
your best, train for Los Angeles,"
she announced. "I prefer it. in the
middle of the car, the vibration is
less.
"It is quite?" began the clerk.
"Oh, yes, there must be an obser
vation car on the train. I just can't
stand it to be cooped up in a Pull
man car. I wish to leave tomor
row." "But it is quite impossible to re
serve a stateroom for tomorrow and
besides we aren't running observa
tion cars," choked the clerk.
He wilted under her s,tony gaze.
"Who is in charge of this office?"
she demanded in' a frigid tone. f .'
L. Beindorf, manager of the con
solidated office, came to tne rescue
. Accepts Upper Brth.
"Our service has ben curtailed.
It would be impossible to make any
kind of a reservation for the coast,
tomorrow," he explained. "That is,
unless you want to ride in a chair
car. We're running 'em on our best
trains."
The well dressed lady turned pale.
"Isn't there, even an ; upper berth
left?" she inquired in a faint-voice,
gripping the counter. "I really must
get ou of this cold country.' ,
"Well, perhaps we could find an
upper, but it will be in the end of a
car," he hesitated. "And we aren't
running observation cars."
"Oh, I'lf take it," exclaimed the
haugty one joyously.
"They're all coming to it I" grinned
Beindorf as the lady left
Declares Car Service in
Qmaha 30 Years Ago
Better Than at Present
' Under the headline 'Thirty years
ago in Omaha" in The Bee, issue .
of December 17, appeared this bit. ,
of news: .
"The cars on the motor line con
necting Omaha and South Omaha
began taking regular trips at 20
minute intervals."
Joe C. Martin, live stock man e-n
the South Side had just "waited
week" for a car to come along, tf
take him to his work on the morn
ing of December 17 when he lamped
that little passage.
They had good service m those
days all right," commented Joe.
Christmas Is tl)e Day
.When father, trimming the tree,
breaks the treasured glass ball that
had been in mother's family for 40
years.
When mother says to father,
"What in the world did you get me
that for?"
When the janitor 'asks, eight times,
"if you are getting heat enough."
When Gladys, aged 17, says, "Go
Uwayl I can't show you any more
of my presentsl Tee heel
When mother says to father, "I
don't see why you couldn't have
bought some really decent candy
while you were about it"
When FI(io eats four candy bas
kets off the Jower branches of the
tree and gets sick good and proper.
When you give your maid "some
little thing" and then wonder if
she's "pleased" or "insulted."
When baby just misses swallow
ing the bright new cent that was in
his stocking.
When mother is sure she smells
something burning in the kitchen.
When the child wants to know
how Santa Claus comes through the
gas logs.
When somebody says, "If they
aren't the right size, let me know
and I'll change them for you."
When that bang in the street is a
trolley passing over Willie's new
foot ball. 'v-
When Gladys, aged 17," asks,
"Shall I put the camisole out on
the table with the rest of my pres
ents? Tee, heel"
When mother says, "I think it
was all right to give it. Willie never
used it and it was practically as
good as newt"
When grandpa says annually,
"Well, first thing- you know it'll be
the Fourth of July."
When mother savs to father.
"Why don't you let Willie play with
the' train himself for awhile?"
When Aunt Jane, shunnintr sweet
cider, Cats a large piece of brandy
mince pie.
When any number of Deonle sav:
"Just see what she sent me! And
all I sent hen was a calendar!"-
Cartoons Migaiint, ' '