XhejQmaha SukdayBeb
IS TttYft jf 7h K niitintf'with d
12 B
OMAHA, SUNDAY MORNING, JUNE 8, 1919.
Talking With Hands O.K., But
Not If It Hinders Traffic
Traffic Policeman Sanko Likes to Listen to Officer
Burgorowziski's Tales of Home Grown Radishes,
But Talking With Hand Interferes With Traffic
Regulation.
Tft IL JL JT u
if - t- C7m a m 11 11 n - !i ii jjp"j ii ii ii ii ji ff u f f u if . . r j. -
'HI" Somewmre.a vw - , , ;
r r . . . "iM. i nniAi rt i.r irn it r i 7 f . u . i ri i i i i itii j r r.
jjuh ii rii ii . frr. Ksts-j' m i -vi ' n " tj x im wwuwi' s x . i. ir ink i -t v ii i i i i iutittii n i i in i r
Pea f 'Estate adent can
fib like a recruiting sergeant.
Information bynrug.
(With Apolnfle to "Buii" Ber.)
.The 'two greatest problems in the
public eye today are house hunting
' ind prohibition. It s difficult to com
bine the two; peace hath her wound
stripes as well as war. After aim
;ing a sad eye at a yard of 'house ads,
, the goof is entitled to go and drink
enough pop to float a battleship.
A real estate, agent can fib like
a recruiting sergeant describing the
joys of army life to a boob who lives
so lac out in i ne tan grass mat tne
owls elop with the guinea hens
' and wolves and rabbits use the same
tooth brush.
If the houses get any smaller, the
mice will think- they are traps, and
if they get any scarer, we will have
to park ourselves in a foolish gar
age. In another year they will be
renting them in sizes like shoes, and
hats. Can you blame a bird for get
ting dizzy after trying to grab of f a
house that won't' raise bunions on
his elbows?- .
Suffering From Rent Shock.
. We know one. sap that rented a
house which had a collection of
rooms that would make a box they
crate eggs in, look sick. . He is now
suffering from rent-shock and is
trying to raise a, mustache of some
spongy substance that will stay
damp after thevcoun,try goes dry.
One advantage those small-room
houses have, is that you can lick
any 'burglar that's thin and short
enough to squeeze in. The landlord
must have grabbed his idea of rents
from the judge who handed down a
decision from a mail order catalog;
he'd fine the guilty anywhere from
a toothpick to a piano, all according
to where he happened to ppen the
book of installments. Maybe they
You cast your optics oyer
a yard or house ads,
get their dope from a dream book;
tney sure Know now to massacre a
guy s wages. '
Built on Special Plan.
All houses are built on the straw
hat plan; good only in the summer,
and then you have to hunt another
when it gets cold. The agent shows
you a house that has a batch of
rooms looking 'like a collection of
pill boxes. This is your five-room
bungalow, alt folded up like an ac-
cordeon. It has all the modern con
veniences, including hot and cold
folding doors, cemetery plumbing.
indecent lights, folding bath tubs,
etc. - . .
The kitchen sink is a combination
davenport and player piano; the
bath . room is so small that you
have to back out to change your
mind. . ,
The other rooms are of the form
fitting kind, buttoning up in the hack
and opening like an evening dress.
Living in a five-room bungalow
in Umaha is like parking yourself
in a sparrow's nest waiting for your
mate to bring you a worm.
In winter the cracked bungalow
gets colder than landlord's heart
and you have to park yourself
around the gas stove and watcK
the trick gas meter, like a pas
senger in a taxicab watching the
price on the taxi meter.
, p
Weston Laurels In
Danger If Federal
Judge Keeps in Trim
Federal Judge J. W. Woodrough
would rather walk than 'eat. He
admits it himself. He dnce walked
to Columbus, Neb.f and received
much valuable exercise and pub
licity. Although possessing a car, the
judge often walks to. the federal
building from his summer home at
VfRcal Efideetieni sur knows how to
salary ,
massacre a euvs
Ralston. He studies nature during
his pedestrian sojourns, and should
he encounter a robin making a nest
he is apt to pause for a moment.
He usually is on time, but oc
casionally MDn a bright spring day last week
a group of lawyers'' waited with
characteristic impatience for court
to open. Their impatience grew as
the moments passed.
"The, judge must have had a
puncture," growled one worthy
member of the bar at last, giving
vent to his impatience.
"When did the judge begin in
flating his rubber heels?" inquired
another attorney who knew of the
judge's pedestrian feats, with much
sarcasm.
What Do You Mean, "Would?''
(Ord Quiz.)
I, Woods, the U. P. mail clerk,
is taking a few days' lay off on
full pay and putting in most of
his time fishing. He says lots
of the fish would weigh five
pounds.
A Hard Life.
"Arabella," the gob softly whispered to
her, "I am goUlK to tell you something.
I do not know Just how you will receive
It, but hope for the best. For some time
It has been In my heart to tell you of
It, but I had not the courage. Ara
bella '
"Yes, yes, go on,'' the girl murmured,
the third finger of her left hand itch
ing perceptibly.
"It's this, then: The last electric leaves
here In three minutes, and If 1 miss it
I'll have to walk back to Great Lakes."
Great Lakes Bulletin.
JAefiobo don't
.worry over.
vfiere ie vtJ roost .
They tell this one on Traffic Offi
cer Nick Sanko, and down at head
quarters he 'has to stand for it,
willy-nilly. Nick has been credited
with being a linguist in seven lan
guages and is now taking a corre
spondence course in Esperanto. He
also is versed in the sign language,
which helps him directing tralfic in
the four ways'of the compass. Nick.
can keep the intersection at Twenty
fourth and Faxnam streets free of
entangling vehicle alliances as long
as he is by himself, but when his
old college- friend, Officer Johan
Btigorowziski, comes along for a
morning "conversazione," then it is
a different story.
Nick and Johan attended the same
school somewhere in Kurope long
before someone told William Ho
henzollern that he could whip the
world. So when they meet now
and then they become reminiscent
and confidential.
Emphasizes His Words.
The other morning, about the
eighth hour of the clock, Nick had
planted his feet firmly on the center
of the intersection and was getting
the morning traffic into an orderly
arrangement, whren along came Jo
han, reminiscent and radiant. Jo
han skidded over to his friend's sta
tion in the center of the intersec
tion.. Nick continued to communi
cate his signals to the morning mo
torists and all went lovely until Jo
han began to emprasize the incisive
ness of his words by flapping his
arms and hands like trained seals at
fish time.
Nick's sagacious- signals and
Johan's fafctidious flappings began
to affect the traffic in an awful
manner to behold. At one juncture
of the scene Nick was pointing east
and west and Johan was pointing
toward the stock yards and Fort
Omaha. The result was that there
was an ensemble of traffic in the
intersection; it was chaotic. Some
of the motorists believed a new
system of double traffic direction
was being inaugurated in Omaha
and that Twenty-fourth and Farnam
streets was the training ground.
Nick finally observed that some
thing was wrong and his troubled
mind began to realize that his
fc-iend was the cause of the trouble. '
Nick grew so wrathy that he be
gan t6 argue with his old college
friend.
Fears for Worst.
"Johan can't you talk without '
using your hands, so much? Can't
you sec that voir are interfering
with the traffic? I like to have you
stop and tell me that you had
radishes from your own garden last
niglit lo supper. And 1 am inter
ested in the fact that you put $4
in the bank last month, hut I have
got to get this traffic through here
or the sergeant will put me back
walking a beat. Have a heart,
Johan," said Nick in wild despair.
In the meantime 1,000 horns were
blowing and exasperated drivers
were clamoring for clearance. A
street . car moved upon the scene
and added to the din.
Johan surveyed the wild scene
with aggravating calmness and then
turned to his friend and asked: '
"Nick, tell me, do you wont to go
away from here? Is that what you
want? Have I offended you?" ,
"No, just slick around as long as
you like. This looks like a very
busy corner. You are some little
business getter," Nick replied.
The congestion was piling up from
four directions when Detective Hag
erman, attracted from afar by the
mobilization of motor cars, vushedi
into the center of the intersection
and helped Nick unscramble the
mass of traffic.
"I hope Johan will keep His hands
in his pockets the next time he
comes around here with an earful
of information," said Nick to Hag
erman when the routine of the day's
work had been restored.
Scandal.
Frofessor Benjamin Sriow,
Of the University of Wisconsin, sayi
That scandal travels 1,000 yards a
. second,
Flattery travels 500 yards a second.
Truth is slowest, traveling
Only about two yards a second.
Perhaps that explains the news "
We have been receiving from
The vicinity of Paris.
If the professor's figures
Are correct, how long will it take
For the truth to get here?
Quick, Watson, the adding machiael
Bouquet of Live, Human Interest Stories About People
When They Wooed and Won gy E
We have read oijfrt man who
got the right stat near the organist
svhen he -sang in the choir, and we
liiive heard of the man who made a
ir.sting impression on account of
''is athletic prowess his abilities as
, an . acrobat at an icre cream lawn
i festival in Omaha many years, ago.
I ' Some nien when they would
i-courting goharge up to the front
p gate on a foam-flecked steed, or in
a flivver, or it may be on a bicycle,
- as" the case may be. . There is not
tiiuch romance in a bicycle, and a
; 'J girl's heart would not be appreciably
' affected at the sight of a bicycle at
the front gate. Anyway, some suit
.,.ors are impulsive; they take things
. for granted, propose after 'a few
'months' acquaintance and frequent-
; !y receive affirmative answers to.
their declaration pf intentions.
Slow and Sure.
There " is another class that , be
" heves that sure and slow go far in
a day, or a month, or a year. .They
? believe in, getting thoroughly ac
f quainted with the objett of their af
fections; learning at least the first
names of her kin and of otherwise
, becoming established in the graces
I ; ; J
1 kti ;$F
of their - orosnertivp m-lawc TYiA
you have a long or short courtship;
a lone .or snort entraeement'1
Thomas A, Fry, whose picture at
the age of about 21. is flashirl
the screen today,, was in the oyster
t e -y t r - i
uuhiness lor years, trom 1879 to
1912. He started in this business
three years after the Centennial ex
position at rniiadelphia, and quit
just one year Detore the big wind in
Omaha. Loner association with h
oyster taught him the lesson that it
pays to De cairn and collected; to
maintain an even temper, and never
10 get rumed. in all of his ex-
peuence xof a third of a century in
the ovstpr husiness - h ,ri t,.
VJiever observed an oyster that was
nervous or excited.
Just Took His Time.
When a St. Louis young woman
went to Lawrence, Kas., years ago
io visit ner aunt, Mr. fry looked
over the situation in a calm and
deliberate manner and took coun
ael unto himself. He took her to
church affairs and to parties, and
all of the time acted as if he had
all summer or all winter.
He went along two or three years
n that way, so he said, before he
spoKe nis mind to this young woman
from St. Loin's.' Hp uve there in
no use hurrying things even during
tne courtsnip and engagement pe
riod. "Just take it easy, my boy," is his
advice to the young man who gets
the matrimonial bee in his bonnet.
: Strand Is Stranded
: : When Life Savings
t . Vanish In Thin Air
'All the years that Walter Strand
worked on a farm near Sycamore,
III, he dreamed of the time when
he would have $1,000 saved up. .
He arrived in Chicago recently
, with the $1,000, deposited.it in a
bank, took ) modest room, and be
gan to look around for attractive in-
Vestments. - a ,
. The stranger he met was a Mexi
can although he told Strand he
could speak four languages. ' His
father had died and left him a great
fortune in Mexico mines, gold and
set. urines reacning into millions. He
sobbed as he told of the death of
his father, ind his sorrow increased
as ne Drought out the fact that with
'SO much"" wealth at hU A
-- w U.JfVl iiC
-, dion-t have ftioney enough to go and
'VVliat's the fare' to Mexico?"
askea strand. :
,rAbout K000'" the stanger" said.
If somebody would give me that
thousand I'd return $3,000 in a
month. I'd give him my entire herit
age as security. I'd put it in writ
, -ing." v '
.- He burst into tears again.
At this! point a man walked up.
, Tve heard your story, pardner,"
he said. "11 let you have the thou
sand." ; .
v "No chance,", said Strand, "I saw
him first I'll Tet him have it"
, - The weeping Mexican nodded.
; Strand rushed to the bank, got the
money and returned with it to his
new-found friend. Before, his eyes
the stranger wrapped the money in
. handkerchief and put it in his j
pocket. Then he appeared to change
his mind.
"I'm not going to leave until to
morrow," he said. "There's no use
carrying all this money around with
me. Somebody might steal it. Chi
cago is full of sharpers, you know."
"I know," said Strand.
He took 'the handkerchief and
went home. When he .opened it a
lot 61 blank; paper fell out,
It takes a long time to save $1,000
on the farm. Police are looking for
a weeping Mexican, and Strand is
almost stranded.
Canadians to Gve
- Commissioner From
France Moose Head
Memories of his recent visr to
Canada will be keot fresh for flen
Paul Pau by a giant moose 'head
which will soon decorate the walls
of the veteran's home in France,
according to a letter received here.
I he head is the . finest taken in
Canada during last winter's hunting
season. The horns have a soread
of 53 inches. The trophy, beauti-
fullv mounted, hac inct - heen
. ww J " " ' 0V111
to the French commander as a pres
ent from Manitoba.
The moose was killed in the big
woods between Lake Winnipeg and
Lake Manitoba on the Canadian
National railwav alin tit 'Ion rr'Amf
J ww. w UIIIV,
northwest of Winninecr - Tt
bought at Moose Horn by James
Henderson. When General Pau
toured Canada and the United
States as heart nf the Pr.nrk ; ,
si'on; he saw the head at Winnipeg
auu Kcaujr auiuirca it
Well Known Bachelor
Gets Bill for Baby Shoes
And He Admits Charge!
I.'B. Zimman, who was indexed
and catalogued recently as one of
Omaha's eligible bachelors, was in
a Derolexintr situation last Wednes
day morning, when he scanned his
monthly bills for personal accounts.
One of the bills was for $2.75 for
a pair of infant's shoes- Mr. Zimman
couid not recollect that he - had
bought any infant's shoes. He had
no infants in need of shoes," nor
nad ne purchased any juvenile foot
wear aurmg tne last month as, tar
as ins memory served mm.
He tailed up the shoe store whose
name appeared at the top of the bill.
The shoe store said thev wnnlrl
look it up. When they checked up
uie nem tney tound tne shoes had
been purchased and charged to Mr.
Zimman They telephoned back to
Mr. Zinfman's Stenographer and in-
lormen ner mat 'Mr. zimman had
been -regularly charged for the
shoes and that the bill was correct
The stenncrranhei. tnM f v 7irMmnM
who then became so confused that
he turned crimson. The answer was
that Mr. Zimman, had allowed a
member of his family to buy the
shoes and chaise them to him, but
he had forgotten the incident when
the bill was received.
BY A . STIWQBIO Jl 1 . V2
Wives and Flivvers.
(From Jim Shanahan, Police Reporter for
The Bee.)
uear air, atinger: A tellow in
cagie urove, la., has ottered a re
ward of $10 for the recovery of his
iosi wue. ine bulletin ottering the
reward at the police station is head-
eu:
MISSING WIFE
' J $10 REWARD!
(I SUDOOSe he foreot to arid "NTn
questions asked. )
ihe bulletin just below it on the
board at the station offers $7$ fnr
the recovery of a stolen Ford.
Later.
Dear Sting: Remember that little
note I left for you about the miss
ing wife? h
(Yes, Shanahan, of course we remember.
Proceed, please.)
Well, here's the description nf
the wife you can't miss her
"Age 24; weight, 125 pounds;
hair cut short at collar; right
arm crooked between elbow and
wrist; both hands have double
knuckles; on eye blue and one
eye grey; loves children and
works at housekeeping, taking care
of children or picking chickens.
Likes to dance very much; her
'mind is slightly unbalanced."
Wonder if the dancinar unbalanced
her.
JIM SHANAHAN.
Mav we make hntrl tr tirnnHer
Jim, whether it is not possible that
beinfif slichtlv unhalanreH is what
makes her like to. dance very much.
The Dramatic Mirror.
(.Hazard Happenings in Sherman
County Times.)
Our town this week has a
surplus of entertainments.
Thursday night the Loup City
octet which was well attended;
Friday night Mr. Bashore of .
Pleasanton with his movie show,
fair house; Saturday night the
"Saphead" Company, but the
sap had been used up and they
only got the1 drippings, pretty
light.
Why not charge the women a
small fee to vote and then have bar
gains on certain days. No woman
could have resisted the appeal, "Reg
istration fees reduced from 10 cents
to 7 cents, Tuesday, June 3." It
would have brought out 98 per cent
of the feminine voters.
The Lnih of Nations.
This .wondrous league of nations
Is the latest of creations
To banish from this sphere
All ftlrna nf hut anil mnptal tm
To put a stop to war .
And all the Ills our lives may mar
To chantre this human thins;.
Anil haul th VAnnri n aman, i
To cure all ills since Adam fell
And abrogate the use nf H.ll
Holy Smoke! It's
TobaGco in Pews
Now for England
London. The netit
bers of the congregation of St.
James' Bermondsey that smoking be
allowed in church has brought a
Storm of discussion.
"Holy smoke 1" commented an
American soldier, "all the comforts
of home."
It seems to be the general opinion
that the unusual request harmonizes
with the clergyis campaign to make
the church more attractive. Further
more, it is agreed that ' smoking
would reduce the sleeping evil at
services. ' "
' It IS recalled that TV P,.r rerti-
larly smoked in the vestry before
nis sermon, while the congregation
was singing. , -
'Mv oeoott like lone hvmns." he
said, "but I prefer long clays."
Francis Misson, a Huguenot -minister,
wrote a dscrintion of Kn eland
wherein he noted: 1 '
Tobacco makes profound theolo
gians, for no men in the world en-
mv a nine hetter than Km crlich
clergymen; and everybody knows
mat .cngnsn tneoiogy is tne most
profound of all"
The suceestinn nf nermittine: A
soothing smoke with the sermon is
meeting with considerable support
throughout the country and some of
it IS rnminor frnm ennrrett where ev.
pression was unlookej .for,
CONTRIBUTED.
A. W. Lang, 4309 Corby street,
qualifies as second assistant editor
of The Bumble Bee by sending in
these two gems:
Even Home Made Eggs.
In describing a luncheon given
the boys of the th at Lincoln,
Decoration day, a Bee correspond
ent stated in part:
At the state house grounds
the soldiers were each given a
box containing chicken sand-
, ...
wicnes, eggs, dougnnuts, pie
and coffee, all home made, even
the eggs."
Were They Benefited?
, "Rev. P. S. Henson of Chi
cago will deliver' a lecture on
"Fools" at the Baptist church,
Fifteenth and Davenport streets,
for the benefit of the Omaha
Baptist Missionary union."
Thought for Today.
Sacra intra nos spiritus sedct,
malorum bonorumque nostrorum
observator ct custos. SENECA.
WE ALMOST WEEP.
Wliat is so touching as the plea
of a "smut" show or picture for the
"moral" which it teaches?
Two New Commissions.
(Beaver City Times-Tribune.)
Wallace Lutton received his
commission, ' last Saturday, as
the regular mail carrier on route
No. 3, vice L. N. Merwin, re- '
signed. Earl Prideaux has also
received his commission as car
rier on route No. 1, succeeding
V, Blackman, deceased.
Germans Find Them Rather High.
Sir: Can you tell me what are the
rates at the "Hotel Trianon" where
the peace conference is being held?
A Cemetery Sexton.
(Madison Star-Mail.)
Notice A meeting of the
Fairview Cemetery Association
will be held at the Fairview
Cemetery at 2:00 p. m. on Wed
nesday, May 28.' 1919
.Mrs. Myrtle Sexton, Secy.
-Appreciation.
(Loup City Times.)
The people of Loup City de
serve to be congratulated on
their re-election to the office of
city clerk of Mr. Peter Rowe.
Having done business with the
City Clerk's office during the
many years in which Pete has
filled that thankless position
with skill and efficiency, I am
moved to publish this brief tes
timonial to the value of his
services.
Clifford L. Rein.
Eligible Omaha Bachelors
Are The Bee Comics Fully
Appreciated? They Are
.
"Do you love comics, of course you do,"
Then the "Daily Bee" be sure to look through
Such funny pranks of "Bringing Up Father,"
With Maggie and Jiggs
Trying tor be priggs.
And father's old friends at Dinty Moore's rendezvous
"Jerry on the Job" he's there alway
Giving his orders all have to obey
'Tad's Sports Indoor" '
Will make you roar.
. These comics will drive all gloom away
"Abie the Agent, ' that funny little Jew,
. Is an easy mark for an I. O. U.
"Over There" with a crowd
Will make you laugh loud
Little Jimmy and "Us Boys" you can't outdo
To drive away care, accept a suggestion
Read The Bee comics 'twill help your digestion.
Cartoonists the best
Their skill manifest
Subscribe for The Bee, it will settle the question.
MRS. J. M. JOHNSON.
123 North Thirty-third street.
He has a car. he stands high in
his profession, he has a fortune
said to reach into six figures, and he
isn't married.
Does that sound attractive, girls?
Yes? Well, then, read on.
His name is Jdfin A. McKenzie,
member of the law firm of Sutton,"
McKenzie, Cox & Harris. He is a
man. without guile and with brains.
What the A. stands for de
ponent sayeth not. In some lan
guages it is the initial letter of the
word that means "work." And that
is or ought to be John's middle
name.
Gosh, but this man does love
work. Morning, noon and night he
is at the office or dashing over the
country in his automobile, hunting
up witnesses and evidence. Sun
days and week days, summer and
winter, spring and fall are all the
same to him. .They all consist of
golden hours which lare useful in
which to crack the shells of hard
legal cases.
He Thrives On It.
All work and no plav doesn't
make John a dull hof. He thrives
on it. lie loves it.
He was born at Silver City, la.
He absorbed the learning dispensed
in the country school and high
school and college, and then went
east to Yale university where he
packed .his brain with more knowl
edge and then learned all the law
school had, to teach.
He came on to Umaha about 15
years ago, ana ne s Deen on tne
legal job ever since.
Those who know him say he was
stung" on a real estate deal early
in his career. This, they say, caused
him to specialize on fraud cases.
But the real estate deal mentioned,
thev do sav. has caused him . to
look .with suspicion . upon all con-,
tracts, including the marriage con
tract. Then again, others allege that tin
cause of his bachelorhood may well
be lack of time to get married.
Likes Vapor Baths.
.The day after the Athletic club
opened the other men in the firm
were astonished to .see John leave
the office at 5:30 in the afternoon,"
They decided that his watch must
have been fast. But the same thing
happened the next day, and the
next.
Then John's terrible secret leaked
out. He had joined the Athletic
club and was taking vapor baths
over there every day. He has de
veloped this hobby now and spends
much time telling his friends how
fine they are, how they build up the
epiglottis and all that sort of thing.
His friends allege that every time
a woman throws a vampirish smi!e
towarH him he runs over to the Ath
letic club and takes a vapor bath,
and thus seems to preserve a per
petual immunity from the darts of
Cupid.
He even lunches at the Athletic
club now, but they say he never
takes more than half an hour away
from work for his lunch. ' ,
Being first duly sworn, they de
pose and say that John never goes
to the theater or movies, doesn't
play golf. tennis or other games,
that, while he used to. play base
ball over in Iowa sometimes, he has
not done so for some time; that he
does not dance.
An interesting case, Watson.
Street Car Conductor,
Left Behind, Pursues
Motorman In 'flivver
Motorman K: C. Thomas of the
Cuming street trolley line was ex
tremely busy. During the ehtir
trip to the barn he had been unable -
to properly discharge his duties be-
cause of a defective bell cord. He
would misinterpret the conductor's
signals and stop and start the car at '
various uncalled-for places. Arrived
at the barn, he determined to correct
the troublesome cord. So engrossed '
was he in repairing it that he forgot
all about the conductor.
Suddenly he heard the starting
signal. The work being nearly com
pleted and believing that he would
run behind schedule if he delayed
longer, the energetic motorman
started the car.
After running serenely for more
than a mile he became uneasy. He
had received no signal from his con
ductor. Looking back he saw the
conductor in a Ford about block
behind the car yelling and motioning
madly for him to stop his car. The
surprised motorman and the thor
oughly angry and sputtering con
ductor were finally reunited.
After due deliberations it de
veloped that the motorman himself
had pulled the bell cord while re
pairing it. . -
Say So!
That doctor should
Not be at large
j . Who does not like
k To overcharge!
" PjtPPfiS Magazine.
