Nebraska Newspapers

    THE BEE: OMAHA, WEDNESDAY, JULY 24, 1918
The Omaha Bee
daily (morning) evening - sunuay
FOUNDED BY EDWARD ROSE WATER
VICTOR ROSEWATER, EDITOR
THI BEB PUBLISHING COMPANY. PROPRIETOR.
MEMBER OF THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
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OFFICES
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JUNE CIRCULATION
Daily 69,021 Sunday 59,572
Aran ttienUttw for IM ontn, subeMlheS eaS Mora to B Dwish
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t thorn. Addraaa changed oHon as requested.
THE BEE'S SERVICE FLAG
H5HHEHSS
' Ths Marne is Kaiser "Bill's" hoodoo ipot.
! Those raincoat makers seem to have been
caught out without protection.
Our boys are not only "carrying on," but are
following up in the belt of form.
Let this weather continue and King Corn will
Co wore than hii bit in backing up the boys.
One of the boyi says lomething has happened
to hinder Hindenburg on his Paris dinner
schedule. .--
Chairman Ferris, from the draft-resisting
State of Oklahoma, has a lot of net-re to preach
patriotism to Nebraska,
That was not the first time the Scotch sprung
. t surprise on their foe. The "ladies from hell"
enjoy an enemy's amazement.
General Hell has been located In command of
one of the German armies on the .west front.
,,We knew it was there all the time.
Champ Clark will not be at Hastings when
the democrats meet He got his fill of Nebraska
democratic double-crossing at Baltimore.
Our intelligent compositor made the name
Von Strensch" ; read "Von Stensch." No
apologies due for this typographical error.
Don't imagine German interest in Mexico
was ever unselfish. The Hun was for many
years looking ahead to the possibility of a clash
with the United States.
Several salaried employes of supposedly non
partisan bodies are trying to use their non
partisan positions as stepping stones to partisan
political nominations There is a way to stop
this. ' : ' '
t ' la the final analysis it, is quite clear that if
there were no patronage connected .with it the
municipal asphalt plant would be operated under
irection of the city engineering department.
VICTORY ON MARNE IS SPREADING.
Reports from France indicate that the battle
commenced last Friday in a counter thrust
against the' Germans south of the Marne is
spreading, the line engaged lengthening until
the affair may now be regarded as a major opera
tion, even as such things are considered in this
war of superlatives. New attacks are being re
ported constantly, while the original movement
has not spent its initial energy, but continues with
vigor against the utmost resistance of the enemy.
Berlin admits the importance of the under
taking, although minimizing results attained by
insisting that any terrain relinquished has been
given up in pursuit of the policy of "elastic de
fense," on which the high command relies. Gen
eral Pershing's brief report to the effect that all
is going well with the American plans, together
with the British official statement that French
and American troops have held all the ground
they have seized, must be taken at face value.
These statements, read in connection with
the reluctant admission from Berlin of retirement
of troops of the crown prince, establish the suc
cess of the Allies. Reports of multitudes of
prisoners and mountains of material captured
measure the extent of the disaster visited on the
Hun. In some respects the retreat of the German
forces amounts almost to a rout.
Most important of all is the fact that Foch
does not appear to have used the strength of his
available army in the blow, but has contented
himself with employing those troops who were
actually on the front line when the engagement
opened. If this proves to be the case it will be
all the more satisfactory because of the fact that
the expected general offensive will thus be made
the more powerful. ,
Drop the "Wards" from the Charter.
The draft of the charter relating to corporate
entity and boundaries as prepared for the charter
convention retains the division of the city mto
twelve "wards." If it is the purpose of the char
ter makers to cut out all the dead wood this
section should be eliminated. v ,
The provision in the present charter for
twelve wards is merely a remnant of legislation
that no longer applies and for which there is no
need. We used to have councilmen chosen by
wards and school board members chosen by
wards, and at one time ward assessors, but in
our present form of government we have no
ward representation whatever.
Again, the ward boundaries fixed by the char
ter do not even furnish our voting units, for the
election commissioner may change the voting dis
tricts from time to time as he sees fit, and, as a
matter of fact, has rearranged the wards and re
numbered them more than once without con
sulting any of the city authorities. The last
vestige of practical usefulness that justified con
tinuance of the twelve wards was extinguished
when the prohibition amendment was adopted,
doing away with the previously required license
petitions signed by freeholders of the ward.
The principle' of the commission plan of gov
ernment and the election of school board mem
bers at large is completely at .variance with the
ward idea and retention of the wards can be
merely an incentive for a move to return to ward
representatives. , Let's leave the "wards" out of
the charter.
: One answer to the charges that the coal miners
..rfe "slacking" is to be discerned in the statement
that the coal raised for the week ending July 13
Is the greatest on record and ahead of estimated
Mayor Smith is on record that no one hold
ing salaried appointive office under this non
partisan administration may use the city hall as
' bate of operations to run for a partisan political
nomination with his consent The mayor now
hat a chance to make good on his declaration.
, Records in shipbuilding did not remain sta
tionary after the Fourth of July, nor do they
appear to be permanent at all. New ones are
being made every day. For example, at Savannah
the first plate of a new keel was laid before the
hip being launched had gotten clear of the ways.
After the Profiteer.
Arrest of an eastern manufacturer and a gov
ernment inspector on charges of conspiracy to
defraud in conpection with supplies for the army
may presage a drive against the profiteers. In
this ease the crime alleged ii one that falls well
without the generally accepted meaning of
"profiteering," yet the connection between the
twe practices is quite clear. For many months
allegations of overcharge on material furnished
the government have been plentiful and may have
been well austained by comparison of pre-war
prices with those exacted from consumers, and
especially on government contracts just after war
was declared. The process of justice has been
somewhat, slow in getting at these case's,' chiefly
because much more important 'matters of price'
regulation took precedence, but if retribution now
overtakes the men who have deljberately held up
the nation on prices the public will be. inclined
to forgive the delay.
Self-Denial That Saved the War.
An interesting report is made to President
Wilson by Herbert Hoover on the shipment of
food to Europe during the .first six months of
the current year. Naturally the totals exceed
those of any previous year, but the most elo
quent feature of the report is that which tells
how self-denial on part of the American people
saved the war. Mr. Hoover does not bedeck his
atatement with any flowers of rhetoric, but
simply puts it: ' ' ,
It istinterestlng to note that since the urgent
request of the allied food controllers early in
the year for a further shipment of 75,000,000
more bushels from our 1917 wheat than orig
inally planned, we shall have shipped to Europe
or have enroute 85,000,000 bushels. At the
time of this request our surplus was already
more than exhausted. This accomplishment of
our people in this matter stands out even more
clearly if we bear in mind that we had available
in the fiscal year 1916-17 from net carry Over
and as surplus over our normal consumption
about 200,000,000 btshels of wheat which we
were able to export that year without trenching
on our home loaf. This year, however, owing
to the large failure of the 1917 wheat crop, we
had available from net over and production and
imports only just about our normal consump
tion. Therefore our wheat shipments to allied
destinations represent approximately savings
from our own wheat bread.
From the short crop of 1917 we have sent
141,000,000 bushels of wheat to our allies in
Europq and 10,000,000 bushels to neutrals. All of
this was made possible by the voluntary action of
our people, responding to the appeals of the food
administrator. Humanity has been saved at the
dinner tables of the United States, and without
anyone at home going hungryl
The staid and sedate Associated Press refers
to a comany of Apaches as being clad. in their
"picturesque tribal costumes," and when one re
calls the fact that the Apache in fighting trim
wears a lighter costume than Gunga Dhin's,
agreement comes easy it surely is picturesque.
After the War Is Over
Business Conditions of the Future As An Observer
lines Them
Imagi
Albert R. Corman in Philadelphia Ledger.
Will there be "hard times" after the war?
Or will there be a "boom?" I had an op
portunity during the last few weeks to dis
cuss tnese questions wun men wno are
neither prophets nor the sons of prophets
who, indeed, know more' of profits than of
prophets but who have had a practical and
unusually prolonged working experience with
the business and anancial conditions wnicn
precede and accompany "hard times and
which form the basis of "booms." From
these conversations I have brought away
not only a profound faith in the assured
buoyancy of business conditions after the
war but also a series of what seem to me
sound and solid reasons for the faith that is
t? :
in me. as ine manufacture or optimism is
not yet classed with the nonessential indus
tries, I would like to manufacture a little,
even if we are dealing decidedly in "fu
tures." Our national morale is probably im
pregnable j but as a lot of timorous souls
seem anxious about it and as forebodings
for the future depress it as much as anything,
little sunshine cn the torward sky win ao
no harm.
The conditions which make the difference
between "bad times" and "boom times" may
be classed mainly under four heads first, the
ability of the consumers to buy goods; sec
ond, the availability of the raw materials out
of which these goods can be made; third,
labor: fourth, capital. Glut the market and
you have "hard times." Shut off the raw
materials, as cotton was snut on trom Man
chester during the American civil war, and
you have at least local "hard times." Re-
a I .....r I - U -A
Strict me now oi capiiai aim juu nave uaiu
times." . . I
What will be the situation on these four
counts at the close of the war?
It is because some people enter one or
more of these counts on the negative side
of the ledger that they think we are headed
straight for a period of pinched business, of
starved industry, ot idle workmen, ot soup
kitchens and overloaded charities, as soon
as the great maw of war ceases to swallow
the vast output of war products and to pay
for them with billions of dollars. They cry,
"Where would we be today if the various
governments stopped buying?" What is
giving us our present false appearance of
prosperity? The money se,t in motion by the
various war purchases of the several govern
ments. If the governments left the market,
industry would be flat on its back. Well,
the governments will leave the market as
lavish purchasers of war material the day war
stops. Ergo, industry will then collide with
disaster. Millions will be thrown out of
work just as other millions of returned sol-
diers come back looking ior jods. v,spuat
will have been exhausted in floating war
loans, and .everybody will be taxed to death
to pay the interest on them. Mene, mene,
tekel, upharsinl
inai is ine picture, ii wuum iuur. cu i
a mortuary chamber or a German club.
But is it true? Let us turn back to our
four counts.
First, the consumer. Will he be on hand?
He will. One of the most obvious effects
of this war has been to strip us all of our
excess baggage. We are learning the art of
doing without things. Mostly our learning
has been by compulsion. Either the govern
ment or poverty or patriotism has deleted
manv customary purchases from our lists.
Consequently we are hungrier than ever for
them. While the war is on we have a sneak
ing notion that it is wrong to want these
superfluities and we are right. But tne aav
the war it Aver that natriotic Imnulse will
cease to prod our consciences and we will
get these" long-missed accessories if we pos
sibly can.
The only question will be, Will we have tne
money and will they De tor saier ootn
branches of this question really rest on the
other three counts. That la, we will have the
money if our usual way of making money is
open to us; and the things we want will be
for sale if there are labor, capital and raw
material out of which to make them. Let
us see how these conditions are likely to
stand. .
Second, raw materials. Every manufac
turer I have talked to says that in his line
there will be an abundance of raw material
the moment the war ceases to Compete for
it and the seas are open for its shipment.
The whole reason for the present scarcity or
entire disappearance of raw materials is that
the war machines are using tnem up. mere
is orobably more iron, for example, being
manufactured in the world today than ever
before; but it is nearly ail going into death
dealing instruments. When the war is over
this vast stream of the world's most precious
metal will flow largely into industry; and it
is quite likely to be a larger stream than it
was when the war began. Certain other raw
materials are unavailable now because the
means of transportation are busy on war
errands. But our railways will be released
from this grim business when peace comes,
and this United States will have one of the
greatest merchant marines that ever plowed
the seas.
Third, labor. Curiously enough, this fac
tor in production, which the untrained ob
server usually fears will flood the market to
the drowning point, thus producing the bit
terest of "hard times," is the factor which
the trained manufacturer and financier fear
will possibly fall short. Many of our best
workmen have gone to France and will never
return. This is very much more true of
Britain, France and Italy, while the indus
trial hive which was Belgium has suffered a
tragic fate that will hardly bear thinking on.
There will undoubtedly be a serious reduc
tion in skilled labor after the war.
But if there must be a shortage anywhere,
this is emphatically the best place to have it
It may be that the consumer will not get his
coveted article the thing he has done with
out for the duration of the war as soon as
he would like it It may be that raw ma
terial will be compelled to await the magic
touch of the trained hand and that capital
will stand at the door of labor asking for
employment But the workingman, being
the scarce factor in the problem, will be able
to command higher wages. That is, the
worker will get more pay; and the pessimists
will have to do a lot of arguing to convince
a nation of working people like the Ameri
cans that a period of high pay is a period
of "hard times."
It will be noted that we have cared here
for the question, put above, whether the
consumer will have the money to make the
purchases he wants. He will in 99 cases out
of every 100 be either a worker or dependent
on the prosperity of workers; and the high
pay all round will put hjm decidedly in
funds. In two words, the consumer is not a
being apart he is just the worker spending
his wages. It is a fertile circle. Pay labor
well and labor will buy well buy from itself.
Fourth, capital. This is one of the subjects
on which the lurid flames of war have cast a
new and astonishing light. We all recall
how our most authoritative financial writers
were wont to tell us very solemnly before
the war that modern nations could not pos
sibly carry on a long war because it would
qost so much that it would speedily exhaust
all the capital in the world. They would
usually put the limit of its possible duration
at a few months. Medieval communities,
with their simple financial systems and small
armies, could fight on indefinitely. But our
modern industrial, commercial and financial
institutions were so complicated, intricate
and intertwined that a long war would bring
the whole edifice of civilization down in ut
ter ruin.
In the fourth year of the great war we
know better now. So far as capital goes,
this war could uo on forever. Germany last
year had borrowed so much alleged "capital"
that it would require the entire earnings of
the whole German people, even if they did
n'ot spend a pfennig on food or clothing, to
pay the interest on it Yet Germany can go
calmly on borrowing. The process is very
simple. The government borrows $1,000
from Smith, Jones and Robinson. Then it
hands the 1,000 back to the same trio for
munitions, military supplies or food. Then it
borrows it from them again and pays it back
again, only to repeat the operation a third,
a fourth, a fortieth time. It is an endless
circle. In peace times the circle will be much'
more willingly followed even though the
borrower will be usually ,a private enterprise
because the money will be productively
and not destructively invested. Thus there
will be plenty of capital after the war.
Quid erat demonstrandum. The proof of
the problem is complete if we are granted
one condition the allies must win the war.
If we lose or only reach a deadlock which
will compel us to continue vast war prepara
tions our proof breaks down at several vital
points. Raw materials will be diverted
labor must pay a blood tax capital will be
driven into hiding. If Germany should ac-
Itually win she would collect her war costs
from us. We would be reduced to a condi
tion of economic servitude, political vassal
age and social self-contempt.
Your Congressman
A patriotic association asks us to urge that
no man be elected to congress this fall un
less he heartily supports the war.
That is not enough. A rattle-headed in
competent or a demagogic self-seeker can
wave the flag and shout for the war as vig
orously as the next man. There has got to
be a more searching test than that. He must
support the war heartily and intelligently
too.
Pretty extensively, popular representation
goes by default The first thing you really
know about it four or five men have got
themselves on the primary ballot. You can
choose among them, but in at least 50 cases
out of a hundred not one of them is the man
you would pick if you had the known talent
and character of the district to choose from.
You might pick X, but X is not on the pri
mary ballot. He does not care for the office;
would not bother to seek it; and the men who
are mainly engineering the affair behind the
scenes, with their little organizations to
maintain and their little axes to grind, do not
care for.X.
Only yesterday we heard a typical bit of
gossip namely that A, B and C not bad
men at all, by no means public enemies, but
habituated players of the game of politics,
with their followers and their little hand in
the patronage pot had agreed to run C for
congress. That's the way it happens at least
half the time.
You know well enough what is at stake.
For your rattle-head and demagogue in
congress those boys in France may pay with
blood. Talk with your neighbors. Make
yourself felt If X is the best man in your
district get after him I Do not wait for the
habituated players of the game to set the
scene. Lo not leave it soieiy to tne sen
prompted seekers of the office. Start some
thing yourself, with a determination that the
best talent and character in the district shall
be brought out Saturday Evening Post.
People and Events
To prove that he is an Al loyal American
citizen. John Pecovich, who lives in Pitts
burgh, has named the triplets recently added
to his family Red, White and Blue, or re
spectively, Philomena Red Pecovich, Ste
phonia White Pecovich and Rosa Blue Peco
vich. .
Sprightly and keen and full of the zest of
living, in spite of their advanced years, the
famous Hawxhorst twins Miss Elizabeth
Hawxhorst and Mrs. Maria H. 'Banks of
Sea Cliff, L, -I. reputed to be the oldest
twins in the United States, observed their
88th birthday recently.
rrnngv
4 One Year Ago Today in the War.
Edward N. Hurley was appointed
chairman of the federal shipping
board and Rear Admiral Washington
I Cappa became manager of the
Emergency Fleet corporation.
Parliament voted a new war credit
ef 11,260,000,000. bringing Great
Britain's war expenditures to a total
of 116,460,000,000.
Th9 Day We Celebrate. ''
Nelson C. Pratt, attorney-at-law,
born 1$2. . ,
Arthur W. But, purchasing aa-ent
for the Cudahy Packing company,
DOT 1ST1. ;
I D. Holmes, attorney-at-law, born
Jamas T. Allen, architect born
lilt, '
Nell P. Swanson, undertaker, born
, ISIS,
A. Barton Hepburn. New Tork, au
taorlty on banking, born at Cotton,
. I- ti rears) a?o.
Lord Duncan?, who baa written a
nnmber of piayi, born 40 years ago.
CJa Day In History.
- lltf Bennlng Wentworth, first
eolonial governor of New Hampshire,
wn it Portsmouth, N. H. Died
tnere October 14. 1770.
171c John M. Clayton, who negr
r-tea tne Clayton-Bulwer treaty,
t rn at Dagaborough, Del. Died at
Z vr, DeL, November I, IS SI.
l IS United States and JTraaca
:-J prpcHjr treaty,,
Just SO Years Ago Today
A move is inaugurated to establish
an annual fete in Omaha.
The republican lancers club finally
effected permanent organization and
J. R. McEldOwney was choeen presi
dent; G. M. O'Brien, vice president;
George W. Weston, secretary and A
U Wiggins, treasurer.
J. O. PhUlipi returned to Omaha
aa assistant general freight and pas
senger agent of the Missouri Pacific
road. ,
The Cable Tramway company's
omce win nerearter be placed in con
nection with the several parts ot the
line by means ot telephone stations
which have been established at Tenth
and Jones, Lake and Twentieth and
Dodge and Twentieth.
Manager Boyd has secured the serv
ices of Edward Thompsen, the scenic
artist of Pope's theefcr, to paint a
number of scenes anfif retouch many
oi e oia ones ior inj oper nouse,
Nebraska Politics
Wayne Herald: The filing of Judge
R. E. Evans ot Dakota City for the
office of congressman frbm this dis
trict glvea assurance that the present
incumbent win ne opposed by a man
ot excellent ability and unusual per
sonal popularity in the election next
ran. Judge Evans is held in high
esteem by people who know him, and
It is believed he will run Hke a race
horse if his acquaintance Is properly
extended.
Tork Republican: If the politicians
who dote on an interesting scrarj will
Just be patient until Metcalfe flics for
united States senator they will ob
serve in the democratic household one
of the liveliest primary fetes that has
ever been staged in Nebraska, Beside
it the republican senatorial contest
will be a pale and lifeless affair. With
Morehead, Howard, Reed, Price and
Metcalfe all seeking the same job at
the same time the primary campaign
will lack nothing of pep and acid.
Gandy Pioneer: Uncle Mose has
filed for congress again in the Big
Sixth. The democrats &ra savin ha
has not been very active during the
last session and thai his health is not
such as will permit of any cr.at ac
tivity, but so tar as we can learn he
has been on the right side of every
question, and his activity has been
sufficient so that the other members
knew he was present 'and while he is
able to be on duty the people of the
Sixth have confidence In his ability
to fitly represent " them and that
their interests will be properly eared
Center Shots
Tkiittnifa. Ldarer: ' Evan the
to.tnh.taor lnnsrhad when Herr von
Kuehlmann informed it that Germany
would not mvaae inaia now.
Minneapolis Journal: When the
backward be It next fall or next
year it will last about as long as a
IB bill.
Kansas City Times: A captured
German c racer says Germany has
Just got to have peace. Well, well, he
needn t worry any more; we are gom
to see that she gets it
Louisville Courier-Journal: snoot-
in lsv nltrnnna 1s In nrrtlnarv times
a very good sport as many can tell,
but It's a shameful waste of ammuni
tion and time when there are Ger
mans to snoot.
Brooklyn Eagle: "Sky-proof let
ters from this country to Germany,
rewritten by a Red Cross force to
prevent any use or cipher, oner a war
nnvaltv. But no rewrita man with a
German name should be employed.
New York Herald: "The Hun is
at the Marne" that portion of his
numoer into wnosp Doaies Anwiiw
and French lead has been poured in
stopping quantity. As for the Others,
If not now they soop will be hot-footing
toward Berlin.
Indianapolis News: Here Is one
that the kaiser's mathematicians will
never be able to answer to his satis
faction: If one day's American
launching exceed the entire losses of
the United States for the war, how
inn will it taka th nhmai'Ine to
4 bring s, German peace 1
Twice Told Tales
The Dentist's Troubles.
The dentist has his troubles.
After working on a woman who
had an extravagant coiffure, to im
pede his progress and handicap his
manipulations, Dr. Pullem (right
name withheld by advertising depart
ment), sighed ' his relief and mo
tioned for her to arise.
The woman pulled herself together.
looked into a mirror and then again
seated herself in the chair.
"I am all thrcugh with your
teeth," the dentist told her.
"I know," the woman answered.
"but aren't you going to fix up my
hairr xoungstown xeiegram.
Taken By Storm.
The cruel winds tore at the waves
as if to whirl them i.way.
The man and the maid sat close to
gether on the beach and watched the
storm.
"How the winds howl, darling,"
said she yelling to make herself
heard.
"Tes,' shrieked her lover.
"Why does It howl?" she screamed.
"Dunno. Perhaps it's got the
toothache," he bellowed.
The toothache'" she howled,
"However "
"Tea" he roared. "Haven't you
heard of the teeth of the gale?"
Then the wind howled worse thai
ever, as she handed him back the ti
gagement ring. Stray Stories, '
jett&rj3
76
About "Adjourned Politics."
Silver Creek. Neb., July 22. To the
Editor of The Bee: In telling us
about the "Jims" and "Jacks," The
Bee of yesterday quoted Congressman
Lobeck as savin that "the president
wasted politics adjourned, but Ne
braska to elect a democratic senator
and members of congress;" and Ar
thur Mullen was quoted as saying that
the president "wanted a democratic
senate and congress to uphold him
and that if members ot the opposite
party were elected, it would demoral
ize the morale of the United States
army overseas and help the enemy,
because it would be a repudiation of
the president"
We have seen, too. that notwith
standing the president has said that
"politics Is adjourned." he has been
Interfering not only in Nebraska but
in Wisconsin, Illinois, Michigan and
other states, and we are bound to be
lieve that he will continue such inter
ference during the campaign, his pur
pose evidently being to secure, or re
tain, in both branches of congress a
majority whose members . would be
personally loyal to himself with all
his weaknesses, vascillations, incon
sistencies, boundless self-conceit over
weening ambition and flagrant disre
gard of constitutional limitations.
The question is therefore forced up
on us forced upon every voter in
every nook and corner of the whole
United States: Do we want a con
gress which will be loyal to such a
president instead of a congress that
will be loyal to the constitution of our
country and the foundation princi
ples of American liberty? For it is
certain that we cannot have both.
For my part I am for the constitu
tion and the flag and eternally against
all those, no matter how high or low
their station, who would violate the
one, or dishonor th other; and, since
I am not permitted to go to war, I
consider that I cannot better serve my
country than by doing all I can by
voice and'vote in the present political
campaign to elect a strong republican
majority in both branches of con
gress not because they are republi
cans, but because it is the only way,
under present conditions, of getting
rid of majorities in congress that have
almost formed an inveterate habit of
servilely yielding to the autocratic de
mands of despotic power.
As to the morale of our army in
France, no one need worry about that.
Our boys "over there" will continue to
fight as they are fighting now, and as
every one knew they would fight; and
they will feel none the worse that
while they are engaged In the pious
and doubtless very exhilarating task
of killing Huns, we at home are fight
ing to preserve at least some remnants
of that democracy which came down
to us as a heritage from the revolu
tionary fathers.
CHARLES WOOSTER.
Useless Railway Commission.
Omaha, July 23. To the Editor of
The Bee: Your editorial in yester
day's Issue headed "Are State Rail
way Commissioners Obsolete?" de
serves public commendation and
should be thoroughly digested by the
thinking citizens of this state.
My record at past sessions of the
legislature speaks for itself, thereby
showing that I was always on the
alert to serve my constituency. I be
lieve something can be accomplished
at the next session of the legislature
whereby these political artificial fix
tures In office can be disposed of
everywhere in the state.
Secretary Baker holds professional
base ball a nonessential industry. I
have an idea that the State Railway
commission is not as essential as base
ball. JERRY HOWARD.
LINES TO A LAUGH.
''Father," said tba small boy, "what li
an optimist?"
"An optimist, my ton, is a man who posi
tively decides that everything Is all right
without troubling himself to male inquir
ies." Washington Star.
"Why aid you exclude that man?"
"On account of his clothing. He should
have brought a dress suit"
"You'll be lucky If he doesn't bring a law
suit. Louisville Courier-Journal.
Hokus Who did the best acting at the
amateur theatricals?
Fokus I did, pretending to enjoy the
performance. J udge.
"What Is this man charged with?"
"Carryln' congealed weapons, yer honor."
"Carrying what "
''Congealed weapons. He soaked Murphy
In the eye with, a chunk of Ice." Boston
Transcrlp.
'Smith bet me that he could stay under
water 10 minutes, and he won.''
''What are you crowing about, then?"
"He hasn't collected the bet yet."
Judge.
"I have arranged things for our water
melon festival. Mr. Flubdub will make a
speech. Mr. Fudge will sing. Mr. Wombat
has consented to giva us a chalk talk.''
"What are ' the chances of getting some
body to contribute a few watermelons?"
Cincinnati Inquirer.
'Ah, this Is the weather that makes
things spring up," remarked a passerby
casualty to an old gentleman seated on a
bench at the cemetery.
. "Hushl" replied the old gentleman. 'Tve
got three wives buried here!" Cassell's Sat
urday Journal. -
Mrs. Btont (fondly reminiscing) I remem
ber, Henry, when you used to chuck ma
under the chin.
Husband Yes, my dear, but you didn't
have so many chins then. Boston Tran
script.
What's the matter, girlie? Disappointed
in your poet already?"
"I am."
"What'a wrong?"
"I married him to be his Inspiration. Non
ha seems to eipeet me to ba bis cook.''
Louisvlla Courier-Journal.
"I bet your offlca boy would like to bt
the pad calendar on your desk."
"Why so?"
'Because then every morning ha would
taka a day off." Baltimore American. .
INFLUENZA, IMPERATOR.
. (Grippe la epidemic among the Oermsi
soldiers on the western front)
O Heinle, Hans and Hermann 1
When bent on victories
It's tough upon a German
T, hmvm tn atnD to sneesel
Oloom tills the 'Prussian fellow
Who, with Parse in view,
la forced to halt and bellow,
"Ah-choo!"
Where bayonets halted no man.
Though Frltsle found them keen.
Up aprlngs another foeman.
So small he can't be seen.
He lights a German snoot on,
And through the ether blue
There bursts a mighty Teuton
"Ah-choo!"
O, you who fight for Wlllum!
It must excite your wrath
To find a mere spirillum
Has barred your onward path.
However hot wour choler,
It does no good to you
When you must wait and holler,
"Ah-choo I"
The Britons' cheers, outheavtng.
Could never fright your earsj
The Gaul's vivacious vlvelng ,
Brought but Teutonic sneers;
Italians' shrill cadenzas
With scorn you could pooh-pooh :
But oh! the Influensa'a
"Ah-choo!"
Teal micro-organisms,
All mighty, though petite.
May fill your ranks with schisms
While sneezes blow "Retreat!"
Historians Impartial
Must then proclaim It true
The victor w Field Marshal
"Ah-choo!"
John O'Keefe In N. T. World.
QUHUTV FIRST
tVovsoori?
GOOP!
BUT
HOW
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