THE OMAHA SUNDAY BEK: DECEMBER 10, 1916.
7 B
BRYAN AND TEDDY
IN PLAYFUL SKIT
McConnick and Willcox Talk,
While Wilson Smiles, at
Gridiron Club Dinner.
MURPHY IS "IN DUTCH"
Washington, Dec. 9. Travesties on
the recent national election and pub
lic issues enlivened the annual din
ner of the Gridirorl club tonight.
President Wilson, members of the
cabinet, diplomats, political leaders,
members nd members-elect of con
, gress, publishers and prominent in
dustrial and financial figures of the
country were guests.
Musical and vaudeville skits satir
izing public men and events, with
members of the Washington news
paper correspondents' corps in oper
atic and thespian roles, kept the
guests in merry humor. The climax
of the entertainment was presented
in "The Gridiron Follies of 1916," a
musical review, revealing facts, foi
bles and fancies of the hour. The
scene for the follies was laid in La
fayette park, opposite the White
House, and revealed as principal
characters Vance McCormick, chair
man of the democratic national com
mittee, and William R. Willcox.
chairman of the republican national
committee.
At the close of the opening chorus,
sung by a "Galaxy of States," with
the theme, "Come, let us have a jolly
time, no matter who's elected," Mc
Cormick and Willcox were disclosed
and engaged in good-natured dia
logue: McCORMICK Cheer up. Mr. Willed, the
battle In over. Somebody had to lose.
WIU.COX Somebody did.
Mi-i'ORMICK Remember, you've much to
be thankful for.
WILLCOX Yes. we lost Utah, but we
saved Vermont.
McCORMICK Never m.lnd that. Here In
the preaenre of this galaxy at states we
ean talk things over dispassionately.
WILLCOX Say. I thought you said the
battle was over. ,
-McCORMICK 80 It Is. Tonlaht we are
just Indulging; In a little caustic comment
on current events.
WILLCOX Well, If you're holding a post
mortem, what waa the matter with New
York?
MrCORMICK Murnhy, curse him.
WILLCOX What will become of the Tam
many Tiger?
McCORMICK It will be an open season
on tigers for the next four years. Here
comes the wandering minstrel now.
Poor Old Tammany.
At this point the Tammany leader
entered to strains of the "Rogue's
March," and, to felicitations from
Willcox, who said he (Murphy)' was
"in Dutch." Murphy replied that he
"took a gambler's chance and lost,"
antl then sang:
Forsaken, forsaken.
Forsaken am I;
The Tammany Tiger
la turned out to die; )
' I go to the White House
And find the doors barred,
For Wilson still lives there.
And his heart is so hard.
With exit of Murphy, the? dialogue
I'ctween the national chairmen con
tinued: WILLCOX By the way. did William J.
Hrysn participate In this campaign?
McCORMICK Certainly. He supported the
president loyally.
WILLCOX Perhaps. But he must have
had laryngitis. , His voice didn't carry
as far as usual.'
McCORMICK Speaking of weak voices, the
state of Maine had some impediment In
Us speech on November 7. From 17.000
In Heptember to 4,000 la some drop.
WILLCOX But Colonel Roosevelt did not
suffer from vocal trouble. His voice was
heard throughout the land.
McCORMICK So I noticed from the re
turns. He helped ua In the winning of
the west.
T. R. Gives Notice.
Here the voice of Roosevelt inter
rupted the colloquy, saying: "I am
now devoting my attention to my du
ties as a grandfather. But my health
is bully. In 1920 the country will
know where to find me. My address
is still at Oyster Bay."
WILLCOX What about Now JorseyT
McCORMICK Hush, hush, we will talk
of other things. ,
WILLCOX Well, how about Indiana?
McCORMICK We saved Tom Marshall out
of that wreck.
WILLCOX That's so. He was running,
wasn't he? I wonder what went wrong In
Kansas ?
KANSAS I can tell you. Two-4o!lar wheat,
ten-dollar hogs. Ford machines and player
pianos.
WILLCOX Do you think be kept you out
of war?
KANSAS I dunno. But somebody got us
out of debt.
The national chairmen continued to
comment, referring to suffragists,
Henry Ford, and the lonesome
"Demon Rum," who had just been
thrown out of several more states.
The "Demon Rum" sang a pathetic
song, depicting the hopeless future
for "Demon Rum and his rummy
crew," when the follies closed with
the following: i
McCORMICK It's funny. Isn't It?
WILLCOX What's funny? If anything-
runny tell it to me. I need a laugh.
McCORMICK It's funny how the world
keeps going around, no matter what happens.
WILLCOX Yes. but It will move very
slowly Tor the next four years.
Bryan and T. R. Tryout
Next came a vaudeville' sketch, the
scene a theatrical booking office, with
Roosevelt and Bryan, as "the Criss
cross twins," Senator Lewis, Colonel
tieorge Harvey and the other national
figures applying for engagements.
Roosevelt and Bryan were first tried
out.
T. R. The Victoria Cross Td greatly price;
The Iron Cross I do despise;
But If I can't the hero be.
Some medals of my own you'll see
They get the double cross from MIS.
BRYAN They got the cross of gold from
me;
The Nobel prise rye hoped to see.
Now, humbly, bearing my cross
I come
To say, "You shall not crucify
tne Dum
Upon the cursed cross of RUM.
T. R. Say. Willie, what Is the difference
between what you Intend to do to the
"Better
- Your
Health"
Take
Natural
Mineral
Water
BATHS
Handrail or Ouhi man and tomb if
Milnf tins ind moat? by Uklni tdruUn
of our treatment.
Why doa't you?
Tht famous Smpto-ChlortiM Mineral
Waur i delivered In Omaha Id ftn-f&l,
tun. I1.M; 60a rafiudrt wban Jof U -
turned.
Brown Park Mineral Springs
UUt and 0 8U., Sooth Bid. PImm Snob 179
DH. JOHN A. NIEMANN,
OttMptttiU rdytltlH, I Char.
democratic party and what 1 hav done
to the republican party?
BRYAN Wall, Teddr. what ta tho differ
ence? T. R. Ton Inland ta maka th democratic
party dry and 1 have mado th republican
party sweat.
Jim Ham's Solo.
When T. R. and Bryan had hfen
ordered oat of the booking office.
Senator Lewis of Illinois, whip of the
senate, appeared and recited a long
series of verses, of which the follow
ing are typical:
Who fnlde unruly 8nate buck.
And keep the party on tta truck!
Who la, in short, the whip de luieT
Jim Ham.
Who followed Huivhea upon th trail.
And tied a tin can to hli tall,
And put the "din" in dinner pull?
Jim Mam.
Who la th White Houa bluahknff pet.
The truly, only, on boat bet,
Of the Democratic amarteet aet?
Jim Ham.
Colonel Harvey's Trial.
Colonel George Harvey, who pre
dicted the election of Hughes by a
large majority, next appeared and was
c hided by the vaudeville agent. Har
vey said he was a lightning calculator,
and that he had predicted the first
nomination and election ot a "certain
professor in New Jersey." .
HARVET Moreover, four yar alto. 1 al
rulated exactly what electoral vote, each
of the three candidate would httve.
AO ENT Wonderful Have you done any of
the same kind of calculating lately?
HARVEY (truculently) If you are g-olng
to be personal I'll not stay here and aland
for it. I don't think I want a Job from
you. anyway, the North American Re
view la good enough vaudeville for mo.
Oood day!
In the New Cabinet.
Another travesty, entitled the
"Ghost Skit," was cast in a "spook
court," with a court sitting in judg
ment on the astral spirits of aspirants
for positions in the new cabinet. Spir
its of Secretary of Commerce Red
rield. Henry Ford, Postmaster Gen
eral Burleson, Colonel House, Secre
tary Tumulty, Vance McCormick,
Frank L. Polk, counsellor to the State
department, and others, appeared, all
to be rejected by the judges. When
the announcer heralded the spirit of
Henry Ford, the astral body of the
Michigan manufacturer arrived, "rat
tling a lot of tin cans."
CHIEF JUDGE The mualr la familiar.
What aeek you, Mr. Ford?
FORD I want to be secretary of the treas
ury. .
CHIEF JUDGE Why?
FORD So that I can find out how to make
money.
CH f EF JUDGE Warden, aweep out the
padded cell for Mr. Ford.
ANNOUNCER The aplrtt of Joseph P.
Tumulty, secretary to the pr en! dent.
CHIEF JUDGE When did you acquire an
astral body. Mr. Tumulty?
TUMULTY About a week before election.
CHIEF JUDGE Ton mean you want to
hold your present Job with your physics,
body and get into the cabinet with your
astral body?
TUMULTY Guilty. Judge. ,
CH I EF JUDGE Suppose the cabinet job
only pays an astral salary 7
TUMULTY Then hand It to somebody else.
do in my biib i uuu mu mjmvn ix
practical men.
(The aplrlt of Secretary of War Baker
next appeared). L
ANNOUNCER Merry! Its' the hero of Val
ley Forge the Hon. Newton D. Baker.
CHIEF JUDGE Greetings, Mr. Baker, In
the name of George Washington and his
army. What news from the border?
BAKER Aw, forget thai. The election is,
over.
CHIEF JUDGE What! No more plots?
Then what do you want?
BAKER I want a Job on the supreme
court; I'm from Ohio.
CHIEF JUDGBJ Ohio was not clos enough,
Mr. Baker. What else?
BAKER Then I'll stay where I am. I
won't resign.
CHIEF JUDGE Doe the president know
that?
BAKER Sh-h. Right under your belt, I'm
afraid not
CHIEF JUDOS Why don't you tell him?
BAKER No; you tell him. Be a nice Judge
and teJI htm. But don't say It came
from me. You know he Just might
CHIEF JUDGE I know. He often does.
Stand back, Mr. Baker.
(Counsellor Polk of the State department
appeared in quest of Secretary .Lansing's
Job.
CHrEF JUDGE Why, even Bryan couldn't
hold that.
POLK t know; but they gar him the Hi
ram Johnson.
CHIEF JUDGE What's th Hiram John
son? '
POLK Ask Hughes.
CHIEF JUDGE W can't find htm.
POLK Well, It's a lemon, grown In Cali-
, fornla.
Also the Suffs.
Another sketch was a travesty on
the special train load of eastern wom
en 'who campaigned in the west for
Hughes. The scene was laid in Kid
dcrville, Kan., where the "millionaire
special" arrived amid town officials,
townsmen and native women. The
suffragists aroused the jealousy of the
native women when the home men
folk followed the gayly dressed east
erners to the train, and one of the na
tive women, addressing her deserted
sisters, exclaimed:
FlJtST WOMAN Sovereign women of KW
dervllle: Our men folks has deserted us
to trail after them stuck up, goggle-eyed,
Just-fawncey, shilly-shally fumps from
the effete east. Now, my Idea Is to teach
them a lesson. Lt us rise as one man
I mean one woman and show them
weak-kneed men who the real politicians
are. As William Allen White said: "The
hand that churns the butter ts the hand
that'fules the world." Come on, women;
not a man In KlddervUle gets a hot meal
or a clean shirt until he promises to vote
against the monkey-dinner bunch. When
the returns are In you'll find there ain't
nothing the matter with Kansas. Come
on gtrtai
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SOCIETY LEADER WRITES VERSES OF PASSION
Under the nom de plume of "Michael Strange," Mrs. Leonard
M. Thomas, celebrated as one of the most beautiful women
of society and also a woman suffrage leader, has published
a volume of miscellaneous poems, many of which breathe the
soul of passion.
IK
IS! V o !, - ? JF S$
HW''I "Q6sa J
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f.i'.- ,1 ir4
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;iTRS:E0KAI3D THOMAS. pnEocHirrx srvoroi
Bearish Tone in
Elgin Butter Market
Will Affect Omaha
Wholesale and retail prices of but
ter in Omaha will be reduced as a
result of the decline in the quotations
on butter on the Elgin market today.
Dispatches announce that the quota
tion on high grade butter had dropped
to 37 cents. At one time the quota
tion in Elgin reached 42 cents per
pound, but here the highest price
was 40 cents.
"Although we did not advance our
prices to the high quotation on the
Elgin market, the decline announced
today will affect the local market,"
said an official of the David Cole
Creamery company. "Just how much
this will be I am not in a position 'to
state, but I can say that the wholesale
price of butter here will be reduced
in accordance with the Elgin quota
tion, and this will affect the retail
price."
South Side Settlement
Serves Twelve Hundred
Over 1.200 children and adults have
availed themselves of recreational op
portunities afforded by the new South
Side Social Settlement in the two
weeks since the settlement house was
opened, according to Mrs. Eliabefh
Lewis, who came from Kansas City
to take the post of head resident-This
does not include 200 persons who
were present the first day for a flag
raising or ISO who attended a musi
cal entertainment. Reading room,
game room and playgrounds only are
included in the figures.
Mrs. Lewis plans to have the base
ment fitted out with a small bowling
alley, punching bag and other equip
ment for recreational activities and
wants a physical director to take
charge of this work.
HEADS PEETTIEST MILE
GOLF CLUB.
m' ' f, ' ' 1
MRS P J CREEDOff
SnealTTfiief Singles Out
Weinstein as H. C. L. Vjctim
A. L. Weinstein, 1613 Maple street,
wants to know who is "picking on
him." A week ago some sneak thief,
evidently oppressed by the H. C. of
L., swiped one-fourth of a pound of
butter from Weinstein. Now an
other sneak thief, evidently similarly
oppressed by the same H. C. of L.,
stole 27 cents wotth of meat from
Weinstein. "The H. C. of L. is just
as tough on me," declares Weinstein.
A Happy Christmas thought
KODAK
The gift that adds to the good times at the
moment; that indoors and out gives zest to the merry
making and then preserves the happy picture story
of all that goes to make the day a merry one.
Our store is alive with Christmas suggestions.
Everything photographic everything up-to-date.
THE ROBERT DEMPSTER CO.
EASTMAN KODAK CO.
1813 Farnam St 308 S. 15th St
WILL PROVIDE TOYS FOR
CRECHE KIDDIES.
iff x y
GROWTH SURPRISES
the upper Mississippi valley. It "Will
be wanner after Tuesday and gener
ally fait throughout the week, witi
mnllrn AM I II AM possible exception of snow
Aft U tlAnAn 'y or Wednesday.
MKS.X.K SYPE
Railroads Trying
To Ruin Own Credit,
Says Max Thelen
Washington, Deo. ". Railroads
were accused of trying to ruin their
own credit and laying the foundation
for federal ownership by Max
Thelen, president of the National As
sociation of Railway commissions,
in resuming his testimony today be
fore the congressional railroad in
vestigating committee.
"The railroads are in hysteria of
pessimism," he said, "with earnings
beyond all previous records and con
stantly growing larger, the railroads
seem to be engaged in the absurd
task of trying to ruin their own
credit. If they were really acting in
the public interest, as they claim to
be, they would stop complaining
about public regulation and would
devote themselves to supplying the
cars, equipment, terminal facilities
and extensions which the public ur
gently requires.
"The talk of the railroads about
forty-nine masters is simply lan
guage to tickle the ears. No railroad
in the United States runs through
more than one-third of forty-eight
states. Although all other corpora
tions which do business in different
states are subject to regulation by
each state, nobody except the rail
roads is complaining."
Four Thieves Get Cash i
And Filled Suitcase
One hundred and fifty dollars in
cash was the sum netted burglars
who visited the home of William Eb
bert, 2402 Poppleton avenue.
Ray I'ord, Havens hotel, reports to
the police that a sneak thief stole a
suitcase containing a suit of clothes
and $40 in money from his room at
that tavern.
A suitcase containing $25 worth of
apparel was taken from the room of
Carl Turmani at the Paxton hotel.
A sneakthief got away with a suit
of clothes belonging to Lee, Hardi
man, 2215 Douglas street
V. E. Labbe of Union Pacific
Doesn't Recognize Streets j
After Four Years,
CHANGE IS WONDERFUL
Victor I".. Lalibc. traveling passen
ger agent for the l nion Paciiic. with '
headquarters in New Orleans, is in the
city, enroute tn Minneapolis, where
he goes to help out on the holiday j
business. He expressed himself as
being surprised al the wonderful j
growth of Omaha.
Mr. Labbe was located in Omaha
for a long time and was transferred
to the south four years aao. Since
then he has not been in Omaha until
now. When he rode up town irom
thr fttstion th i-bunaou nyaif Httrina
his absence had been so many that i
he did not recognize Sixteenth street
and he had to ask for directions to
the Illinois Central offices.
The growth in all parts of the city
is a surprise to Mr. Labbe and after
he had looked the town over he re
marked. "1 don't believe that there
is a city in the country that during
the last four years has had such a
growth as Omaha."
Warmer Weather Will
Follow Short Cold Snap
Washington, Dec. 9. Cold weather
will prevail during the first half of
the week in the plains states and in
(Xl
sAatra
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Carving Sets
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RYAN JEWELRY CCX,
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