A B ase Ball C anard
Have You
(Continued from Page S)
up, pulled off his eyeglasses, throw
his stoglo Into the grounds nml
shrieked thus:
"Yah, you big hick. You poor simp.
You bone, you. Whadtla you know
about baserunnlng? Huh? Who told
you you was a ohainpeen? Doncha
know you can't get but just so far
oft'n foist? An' doncha know that
when you 're that far off if you lean
your body Just the least bit toward
second, he's got yuh? Why, you
dope, you, what 's yer vaudyvlllo act
tho Slcepin' llcauty? Who put
morphine In yer coffee? Why doncha
get a sofa If yuh wanta take a nap?
Yah, you chainpeen!" And so on. He
kept It up until the next play was
started and then sank back into his
seat, quivering and almost exhausted.
1 tupped him on tho shoulder.
Just as a matter of psycho-sociology.
I Inquired, "What business are
you in?"
He glared at mo defiantly and said:
"1 am a jeweler."
Tho next man got a base on balls.
The next man made a short hit.
Then the side went out In two-threo
order.
Tho Irate diamond man almost had
a lit. "Yah," ho yelled so that half
the grandstand could hoar him, "If
Shafor hail only stood still on that
bag just as I told him to, we 'd have
scored a run and won the game."
Which was true, as It turned out
afterward. "If he'd only stuck his
spike in tho bag; If he 'd only got a
pot of glue; If he'da set down on the
dem sack and chewed his gum any
thing, anything." Shafer happening
to trot by at this moment, the whole
thing began over again. "Yah, you.
Call yourself a baserunner. You
could n't boat a blind crlpplo with
the wind behind your back. Why, a
turtle is a Hans Colemlno compared
to you. Hun? You could n't run an
ad in a noospaper. Yah, you chain
peen!" rpHIS1 as the reader knows, is one
of tho joys, tho national joys, of at
tending the national game. While
Gcorgo was tinkering tho watches
(or else had let them go hang and
was sitting somewhere else in the
audience) this little wedding-ring
merchant was giving export advice
to his hirelings of the afternoon.
And on all sides of him sat we oth
ers, gormandizing tho ozone and
breathing It forth full of Inside In
formation for Manager McGraw.
Besides this vocal hullabaloo while
tho game Is going on, there Is an
other branch to the passion. I refer
to tho national pastime of dropping
tho local manager a post card, thus:
"Why don't you can that shrimp
that hides behind second every time
a ball comes his way? Are you a
baseball manager or are you a char
itable organization for the support
of imbeciles and cripples?" This sort
is always signed, "A Fan."
Or thus:
"Keep your eye on Poko Swank,
now playing first for Little Rock.
This feller Is HIg Lis material. Ho
can play better ball right now than
that half-witted behemoth you got
holding down tho sack." Signed,
"Hooter."
To return to tho llttlo Jeweler for
a moment.
Ills tirado against Shafer brought
out another typically American trait
the use of a sort of sarcastic ex
aggerated humor, what Kipling
called our "acrid Asiatic mirth." Wo
have developed a purely Amerlpan
brand of wit as exemplified by tho
word-smiths who report tho game.
For Instance:
"Merklo pulled ono of his usual
bones. Ho hoisted his marble think
tank into tho parabola of ono of Old
Left Soupbone's slippery elm spray
sprigs and was promptly beaned on
his pseudo-cerebellum. Hut it Is al
most Impossible to fracture Fred In
the spot whero Silas put tho hay."
To all good Americans this Is sim
ple and full of fun. To any ono elso
It Is about as Intelligible ns a para
graph from Henry James read loud
by a lady with a Southern accent, a
cold, and a tendency to pause and
gasp after each comma.
Another point, also in passing,
which any self-respecting chronicler
should set down for tho perusal of.
at least, future generations If not
this one, is that baseball Is a terrible
demoralizer. Wo need only consider
tho awful lies which are told by fans,
either to their business associates or
to their wives, In order to attend a
game. Think of the young lives
which are started wrong; consider
the ancient grandmother fib. As the
twig is bent, so the future business
man Is inclined. Nowadays young
America is committing perjury by
tho bucketful. Worse than that.
They are becoming adepts at bur
glary, invasion and trespass. At a
recent game I saw a ten year old
lad being led out of tho grounds by
a special policeman. Tho lad was be
ing held by the ear while the special
cop poured words of wisdom and ad
vice Into said orifice. Ho said:
"You are over sixteen years old,"
which the culprit was not "and
you can bo Indicted for the offense
you have committed. You can be
sent to JAIL." (Tears.) "Think of
your poor father and mother dragged
Into court because of this." (.More
tears from the ten year old.) "Think
of the heavy fine they would have to
pay. Now this Is the last time 1 will
let you go; the next time I catch you
I will see to It that the full penalty
of tho law Is visited upon you." (Pro
longed sobbing.)
After tho boy had left, 1 learned
that he and twenty odd others had
taken a two-by-four and pried off
some Iron bars sot in concrete in a
basement window of the grandstand.
Damage, about ninety dollars. Inci
dentally I am pained to relate that
all the other boys got good seats In
the stand and tho policeman was un
able to find these base malefactors.
Could Infant Infamy go further? An
swer, no. I remember in my younger
days another young man who leaned
a board against a fence In Kansas
City and climbed up it on his hands
and knees to see the old K. C. Illues
wallop Boston. Tills was in the days
when Jlminie Manning never cousld
ered it a good afternoon's work un
less he stole home. This vicious lad
not only wore out his stockings In
the attempt but, there being a barbed
wire strip around the top of the
fence, ho utterly collandered n line
new pair of pants for which his poor
and yet honest parents had paid
three dollars. All to steal his way
into a game which he could have
rightfully attended by paying the
small sum of twenty-five cents.
IN conclusion I would like to say
1 that I know an American citizen,
forty-flvo years old, who has been a
newspaper man, a magazine editor
and a successful man of affairs In
general. Ho seems to be of sound
mind and quite normal. Yet he has
never seen a baseball gamo In his
life and ho boasts of it.
It is almost Impossible to believe
that there is such a poor benighted
simpleton on earth. Yet I know him
and he lives. Just think of him
not a man, but a crustacean. Not a
live palpitant American, but a lob
ster. A dull drone who known not
the wild joy of whooping loudly over
a fellow man's skilful accomplish
ment. A business sot, a routine runt,
a bleak, obtuse thing with a granito
nose to a sandstone grindstone. Not
for him tho clear, snappy air of a
clear day at tho ball park. Not for
him tho eye-rellevlng green of tho
well-kept sod. Not for him tho now
stir of "nerve and tho quickening of
his heart's blood. A groping thing
of papers and decimal points beneath
an electric bulb; a mere thick hunk
of unagttatcd clay.
I leavo tho reader to strlko the
happy medium.
How Long
Kept Th
How often h.ivo you pared it, just
to keep it clown ?
How many old
time, foolish treat
ments have you
applied to it?
Yet tho corn re
mains. During all this
time a million corns
monthly havo been
taken out by Blue-jay.
at Corn?
Folks apply this little plaster, and
the p.im stops' instantly. In 4N hours
they remove the plaster, and tho iorn
lifts out.
No pain, no soreness, no discom
fort whatever. And no more doctoring
of that com.
Think of it a million corns monthly
are ended In this way while von, in
other ways perhaps, still treat tho samo
old corns.
Why not try tho new way on ono
corn ?
A In tho picture It tho soft H A-11 wax. It loosens tho i urn.
B stops tho puln unit krrps tho wax from Hptonillni;.
C wrnps n rou ml tho too. It Is nnrmwisl to ho i-omfurtiililc.
D Is rubber adhcslvo to fasten t ho plaster on.
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"G.lherlnsM.iden Dluihct"
Howard Chandler Chritly
How ilitra mi uihrrtlHi-r lmlil )imr Iruilr" II) kHIhe tiiliir.
