TIIE BITE: OMAHA, MONDAY, DECKMHEK 4. 1011.
tills
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ALL TURKEYS LOOK ALIKE TO THE JUDGE
Cownt 1U. NiUwmJ Keel AHtto.
By lad
UAvj uajlaI K4a4 THAT TMS 6CT ONE VET
SFOTTHV IWH TOWN TMC JTEET VTH
THt STUPKCV MA BAG- AM fottMCr OcT
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I'LL. AIiCnOU XMrtAT. IM AAV THJT Fc.
Gi THIi WEIGHS AT LAil
0 pOun(X AD f MAINS' AAflt
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The Fable of the Wise Dame
-J
By POBOTI1Y DIX.
eo they passed up
Once upon a time thire were two young
maids who grew tired of sitting upon
the anxious bench waiting (or eligible
, men to com along and notice them,- so
they determined to get up and go out
. and rustle some on
their own account.
Now, both of
these maids were
most charming and
fitted to adorn any
society. Also they
were there with the
El ad raiment, and
a nifty line of con
versation calculated
to make a man
swell up with grati
fied vanity until
he became so chesty
his shirt studs
would not hold.
Furthermore
these maids had
bat the Inestimable
advantage of be
ing brought up by
mother, who was on
to the game of life,
the girl bachelor and latch key proposi
tion as a false alarm, and did not af
flict the public by running any bluff
about the glorious privilege of supporting
herself being a cinch far a female.
On the contrary, they said to one an
other, '.'a good home and a ready money
bill payer ts worth two cashiers any day
of the week, and we opine that any lady
will find It less fatiguing to work a hus
band that It Is to work a typewriter."
Unfortunately, however, the elder of
the slaters had not been present wher.
the distribution of beauty was - bein
made, and hence she was a trifle sh
on pulchrUude, but when It came to real
Intellect she was the Sally-the-whole-works.
"Alas' she said, as she communed with
'herself, "my mirror tells me that I am
the human chromo Instead of a living
picture, and J am wise that I will never
win out on my looks, but what Is beauty
compared to brains and a noble disposi
tion? "It la true that in a beauty show I
would not cut as much Ice as my sister,
who certainly Is a peacherino In appear
ance, but who has a mind full of the
consistency of scrambled eggs, and a
temper like a set of Fourth of July fire
works,
"I do not wish to hurl any bouquets at
myself, but I have made a close study of nnd if eh had none h would be de
mon, ana i apprenena mat my superior prlved of a pleasant dally diversion."
knowledge of the subject will leave my Whereupon the men all hied away and
sister at the post, for while she possesses popped the question to the younger sis
beauty, X have a great head. ter. who hod no matrimonial quallflca
"I have listened carefully while men Hons whatever except her personal ap
dlecoursed about what women should do, pearance.
and I have ascertained that while they
seem te admire the women who look like Moral; This fable teaches that the
a dally hint from Paris, what they really women who are fitted to be good wives
yearn for Is a female creature who take always remain old maids.
serious views of life and who has no
vanity and affectation.
"I have llstend with profit to the many
knocks that men hand women for their
devotion to dress. I have also observed
how they deplore the fact that a creature
with a soul should spend so much valu
able time In trying to make herself at
tractive to men Instead of engaging In
some useful pursuit.
"So It is up to me for the natural waist
line, end the puffless coiffure, and to give
a moving picture illustration of all the
qualities men admire most In women,"
and with that the elder sister cut out the
fashions, adopted rational dress and de
voted herself to performing household
stunts. (
The younger sister, on the other hand,
continued to help out nature with the
rouge pot and the peroxided frankfurter,
and although there was nothing on her
mind but her hair she was the center of
attraction wherever she went.
If she had searched her system she
could not have found a single Idea In It,
but she had a habit of getting there all
the ssme.
She noticed that It. Is the maid with the
high heeled slippers and the marcelled
locks and the frou-frou skirt who Is fed
on lobster and chocolate creams, and she
opined that that was about all that she
needed to know In her business, so she
spent her time In frivolous amusements
and In keeping her hand in a nice squeei
able condition.
Now, all of the old married people were
never weary of touting the elder sister
as the capital prise In the matrimonial
lottery. ,
"See." they cried, "here Is a maid who
realizes at last the Ideal of a perfeot
woman. 8he la Industrious, economical,
sensible and domestio, and as a wife she
would be the real thing."
"What you say Is true," each man thus
addressed would rtply. "She Is In
deed, a noble creature, and she would
be Just the wife some other man should
marry, but not for me.
"She comes up to my Ideal, but she
does not fire my fancy, and I apprehend
that If I were married to a wife who had
no faults it would get on my nerves until
I should arise some night and bat her In
the head, for I could not stand to con
template such perfection. Besides, a
husband's chief amusement after mar
riage is knocking Ills wife's weaknesses,
1
Little Bobbie's Pa
J
By WILLIAM
Think this Is a prltty nalm, Ethelredge
liartseese. sed Ma, I dcant think I have
ever saw a printer nalm In print.
I doant know about that, sed Pa. As
for me, Pa sed, I am a grate hand for
the good old rugged nalms, such as Jake
Brown and Pete White A Si Lowe. A
nalm like Hartseese maiks me dubbel my
fist unoonshushly, sed Pa. Oive me the
Smiths A the Browns A the Joneses.
I do hot follow you, sed Ma. Thare Is
llttel enuff of refinement and culchur In
this world. I think It Is a shalm that we
cannot have moar refinement, espeshullv
In the way of nalms. That Is wbare all
the actors maik a grate hit. Ma sed, thay
talk prltty nalms like Harold Hen'ng
way & Dustln Dartwell, A the lady ac
tors. Ma sed. doant call themselfs Sophie
Bchmldt. Thay talk nalms like Ethel
Dan A Deslree Delgrave A Pearl Stuart,
eto.
Well, sed Pa. you can have all the
fancy nalms you want, but as Mister
Goldsmith onst sed A bold paaniry,
onst destroyed, can never be supplied. I
like the good old slmpel nalms, sed Pa
like Billy Smith A Johnnie Jon.s A Jack
White.
Jest then the door bell rang. Ma went
to the door A sed to Pa, a gentleman
calmed Jack White says he wants to se
jrou. Bend him rite In, sed Pa, any man
with a nam Uk that can always hive
a audience with me. Show him rite in.
A funny llttel man calm In A he sed my
nalm la Jack White, I am collecting f
Smith The Tailor. There Is seventeen
dollar left yet. Mister Smith the Tailor
trav you good goods and It is money
tow that he needs.
I transack all my business at my offli,
d Pa, I newer talk about money In my
home. I dldtnt ask you to talk about
money, sed Mister White. For you. it 1
to pay, not to talk.
OH out of my house. sd Pa, a man's
jm touse U his castle, Pa sed. Co.
F. KIRK.
Then Mister White went.
8mlth. White, sed Ma. Grand old slmpel
nalms. Nalms that every man shud re
rpok, sed Ma. Jest then th door belt
rang aggenn. Ma went to the door A wen
she calm back she winked at me. Ma
was luffing.
Johnnie Jones ts at the door, sed Ma.
lie wants to see about the groper bill. II
'ays that he has been very laenyunt
with you, sed Ma, A he wants a Immedi
ate aneer.
Pa got kind of red In the fao aggenn, A
sed Tell Mister Jones I will see him to
morrow. I doant see why you doant see him to
dav, sed Ma. Jones Is such a fine grand
old nalm. I doant see how you eud find
It In yure hart to turn a Jones from the
door. Plet-se see him.
Ju:-f then a other man pushed his way
thru the door. My nalm Is Billy Smith,
he sed wen he calm in, how about the
money for that sewing machine that yure ,
wife rented T i
I do not know anything about It, sed
Pa.
Doant stall me, sed Mister Smith. No- !
body ever stalled a Smith and got away
with It. I wll be back tomorrow, he sed
to Pa, A If I doant git that munny then
I wlU have to hop a few knuckles off
yure brow.
That roes f ir me, too, sed Mister Jones,
A then thay want.
White, Jonas, Smith, sed Ma, they are
Krand old nalms.
Pa dldent say anything.
Odd ! and Notices.
Placard at a moving picture show:
"Young children must have parents"
In a barber's shop window: 'During al
terations patrons will be shaved la the
back."
Sign In a Trement street store: "Empty
boxes suitable for CbrUtma glfte,"
Save My Carnival Badge
By Tad
THERft' TOt A4 MUCH OlFFC CE
IN JOMff PrOPLg M TrTETtS IS IN AmvQODV'
III1 VvSS0
f " --
The Kaiser's Kids
TlMAiTMS DAW 0 TM8 &r CA.WBIN
M-THS MlNB Pft tNOWSX And
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rn.o(r(H-e to rin.TAi c -mar
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op- acxawpjpe in mis ctomes
BUT VHITH TUQH um- Tfcoo?e
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fljATHIVBe PAV A0 HftHT
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NOT" A LEAP ST1RI.M 3"IMAW
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GrEE
a i ncyj
TOOOTiU
Sherlocko the Monk
11 Y GVS MAG EU
Coprrtftt, 1111, Nitlonal
Kwi AMnrUtton,
The Case of the Client With a Cold
I
STOLE I A XOWTUf TW) I vhi t voiLL 1
LOOK SHtjDCKO. N ,Mtt VrVAfe AFTER Trifij 1 KOTICNI UM5 )
TH5 fcUIWlAlt OVtt- WAHHATA ALOHt. ANP ERB KlUXD W THC
1 lOOKfcO A OOLD PULLED THEM THROUCH " !1 Js fROST NICHT)
VJmatcm . p-l jTWii Window, AS I L
Vfc fOEPUM FROM THB RJZ2 ' iM'ffW fB
N J NCrnce, WA4 MOmT) -JD (XK NEldMriOA. MAS a' L
. ; CAWut. C O Vl' COLD A THft RULTl
1 ccsta. MH PUWMS.0 XfJ. OP fjouw. BORROW IN J Hit X
I TT K LET Flnw<S
nr ei-beut
Aeordlng to numerous account that
have kept th wire warm, Crown prince
Frederick William Is trying to Involve
Oermany In an International cane rush,
and England get
ting goose flesh,
order another
dreadnought
tl seems that
Prince Frederick
and a younger
brother attending
the Itelchstag one
day sat tn a pri
vate box, waved
frat flags gav the
college yell, used
bean shooter with
deadly precision on
the bald head be
low, and misbe
haved themselves
quite after Mi
manner of high
school sophomores
intent on sedition
and contravention.
They nearly broke up th meeting.
Interested parties declared that th boy
were sent there by their Pa,
Some year ago, little thing like that
led to war, often dire and deadly. Now,
we are getting a little more sense and
we simply anille.
Here I a case, In any event, where In
ternational complications could well be
brought befor a court of arbitration, but
wher th final decision should not be
given for a year after the hearing, by
which time the whole matter would be
forgotten.
HUBBARD.
Th bean shooters were especially hard
on the Uvrman gentleman with an un
pronounceable name who had the oourage
to apeak In a kindly way of Franca. An
other, who suggested that the English
people were not exactly cannibals, came
In for a hissing, We wonder where th
Janitor was all this time that he did not
fake the boys by the royal scruff.
In passing, it ts well worth making not
of the fact that there Is a time In the
evolution of youth when they will enlist
and go to war If they have a chance, no
matter what the Issue. The caou belli
has really nothing to do with the case
whatever. They will fight on either side,
or both, or the one that I most con
venient. It seems unkind to state the truth, but
over DO per cent of the men who re
sponded to Unooln'a call for 900,000 troop
war under l year of age, and th next
15 per cent wr between 19 and SO year
of ago.
What these boys wantsd was excite
ment, and they were almply acting out
their natures. Living In th savsg stag
of their evolution, they were quit willing
to exercise their savery. When Alexander
H. Stephens and Abraham Lincoln met
on that boat In the Potomao In 1861, to, If
possible, let the government buy th
slaves and thus bring about peace, both
Stephen and Lincoln recognised th fact
that th aavage was In th saddle and
that reason, Justice and peace wer all
outside of the question.
Mr. William von Ilohenaollern'a boy
ar In Uie bean-shooting stag and th
cabi should not be taxed in relating their
silly explosions.
H9W to Bo Beautiful
By MAIUMRET IIUBBAKD AVEH.
J
,, , . win aevsiop of them
Many thin prop! have very aood an. I .iv.. m.u.
petite.. That doesn't mean that they rvin. 7,1:1 '
1 "i'i'tiii 1.0 m m
bad lgn. rattr than a good on, If. for and dlspos of them too.
a long time, no Increase In weight has
has been noticed. If th appetite were
normal, and other conditions favorahia.
there ought to be an Increase In weivht,
providing th food war of a suitable
kind. But a girl may say she has a
pickle and lobster salad, and she may
eai large quantities of these delicacies,
WithOUt the aODflttta hnlnil nnmal In .
way, Bometimea the liver Is to blame, or
some other organ la not functioning prop
erly, disturbing the digestion and creat
ing a craving for plenty of food, but not
for food of a nourishing kind.
The girt who Is too thin needs four
things plenty of fresh air. nlentv of
sound sleep, absence of worry, and exer
cise, it she has these the food question
will easily take care of Itself, tttio will
want the food that ts good for her and
crave starchy, fat-making edibles.
Fresh air Is th most Important faotor
of all, and th thin girl can't get too
much of It. She should avoid being cold,
as cold Is on of her enemies, and she
should wear sweater, leggings, warm
petticoat and wristlets or gauntlets
with her gloves when necessary, but sho
should Insist on having frsnh air.
The thin girl oug'ht to sleep ten hours
out of the twenty-four, and she should
sleep in a room with the window open,
tihe should have plenty of covers on her
bed, and th ho water bottle at her feel,
when she goea to bed. The thin girl
doesn't want to try to be heroic; Ice-cold
bath are not for her nor very hot ones,
for that matter. Nor should she under
take exhausting walks or try to train
for alhletio championship , of any kind,
tihe should have steady callsthenlo exer
cises for half an hour every day fifteen
minutes In the mornflng and fifteen
minutes In ths morning and fifteen at
Dlght; and, It she can, h should Indulge
herself to the utmost In the ways of naps
during the day or lounging about In loose,
warm cluthlng.
Absolute freedom from care and anxletv
are suDUosed to be necesuarv to her If
she wants to gain flesh; but, alas! ws
can't always regulate the antics of fat
which deny u these delightful privileges.
One thing, however, the thlii girl ought
to be able to master, and that Is phytlcal
renos. bho tusy have to attend to many
dutlea during the day; she may even have
to work for her living, but whatever sh
does she can economize and save her
strength by cutting out some of her un
necessary physical activities. The thin
woman Is apt to make two gesture
wher on would do, or take fuur steps
wher twe would have erved th pur-
Worrying over petty thing I largely
"Why am I so thlnr writes a reader 1
of thi. paper. "I .at quit, heartily, a bad mental habit, and If on. put. ail
m h.r.K .. vuier.gm quer tins one characterlstto, mentsl md
physical repose will develop of them.
will be able to tackle th larger worris
Th thin woman should b unini .
to upset her digestion by eating anything
that does not agree with her. Tea and
coffee have no nultrltlv value, and th
iauer is indigestible In Its ordinary form.
Cocoa s th best thing th thin woman
of the most nourishing kind, consisting
largely or rood containing starch and
ugar, uch a good frash butter, Tlah
milk, cream, raw and cooked fruits,
macaroni, corn and eommeal, sweet po
tatoes beans, fish, nourishing coup, beef
and mutton and green Salads to promot
digestion. A glass of hot milk takn th
last thing befor going to bed help th
nervous, tired woman to sleep better and
aid her in gaining flesh.
r
The Bugs of Fall
y bxstow nun.
The Wsudrr Bug.
The Wander Uug, when spring la near,
Declare h'll "get away from her:'
When summnr come he will not fall
To talk about th Wander Trail,
And when the autumn slips aloug
Ills lust to move Is just as strong;
He says and doubtless really thinks
He'll go to see the ancient Bprlnx,
Or don a noble hunter's belt
And tramp the wilds of Roosevelt:
Or maybe seeks the arctic dreary,
Like tlhackleton or Cook or Peary,
II buy a lot of travel lore.
He talk of "som far foreign shor,"
II says he feels the "wander thrall,"
II hears the winds, the "cry and all,"
He plans to go by foot or ship,
L'pon a most extended trip.
At oilier shore to take a glance,
To seek adventure and romance;
He babbles of hi "heart unrest,".
Th "purple east, the gulden wet."
Audi then, from home so warm and snug.
He never stirs the Wander Bug!
That nag, "Dutch Courage." never was
a stretch finisher.
Yesterday' gone to the discard, but to
morrow s still In the draw,
Over-confldrne . nieilme tosseg a r,
but It beat starting out to loo.
