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V
TIIE BEE: OMAHA, MONDAY, MAT 20, 1911.
e
f -
" So It. Wiley
1 ipre pit," remar
JWell. as long
Lay of the Hotel Lobbyist
hn dn asked to define
rked the Chair Warmer.
as he. hasn't been allied
. t at It, answered the Motel Lobbyist.
"H i funny what a 'tot of things the Doc
has been asked to define that we always
though were perfectly simple. First It was
whisky. Everybody 'thought they knew
what that, was, t-Kpertally the man who
raid he could take It or leave It alone, and
then took It. ' It Seemed the eminent rhap
rrone of the poison .squad didn't know
after all. for when It came to a show down
the president, tried to define It and then
"fnsssd It to the attorney .general, that be
ing one Of the odd legal Jobs.
"I supptose When Dr. Wiley has been re
versed on his mince pie finding or findings
that'- the leather odds and ends that the
president will' turn the case over to the
secretary ' of the Interior, that being the
department most affected by mince pie.
Otherwise he will have: to leave the defini
tion to Aunt' Delia, fhe ekpert pie maker.
i 'One thing, you'll never hear of the su
preme court banding down a decision that
mlnoe plo Is n Illegal combination In re
straint of savory tastes ' and odors and
order It dissolved. In to Its Conaixtuent com
ponents of pastry, apples, rafxlns, ginger,
suet, more, spice, meat, very hard cider
nd trade secrets, ,
"Spring Isn't exactly the time to discuss
mince pic, when the strawberries are on
'tfie straw and restaurant shortcake tastes
Just like the. old-fashioned article did not.
Nevertheless.' 'With 'the- long and hungry
perspective of time stretching betwixt
hence and next Thanksgiving, one can con
jure up a very pleasant vision of that gol
den' brown pie. Just reeking like a spice
shop and a' drug store In a prohibition state.
"The memory, scents that alluring whiff
as the first V Is excavated, opening a trap
'TIE."
door In the pie. The crust that melts In
the mouth, the mince that starts a fight
on the Inside, the delightful stupor which
follows the meal and the original night
mares which pursue the diner Into dream
land. Could any mere laboratory expert
describe these In legal terms?
"Mince pie Is pie filled with mince.
That's all. If manufacturers have found a
coal tar or chemical substitute which wll!
taste like nectar and ambrosia, which will
eight down the tummy like lead and will
make night hideous with violent night
mares of murder and sudden death, why
let them make and sell It. One thing Is
sure, a supreme court decision would not
-radequately cover mince pie."
"Why not?" asked the Chair Warmer.
"It would need more shortening," chortled
the Hotel Lobbyist.
(Copyright, 1311, by the N. T. Herald Co.)
Tabloid History of the Presidents
j
n.
Vleft
-Tn
M 1
In the list of presidents, James Abram
Garfield, the twentieth, .was born In
Orange, O., on November 19, 1831, and died
at Klberton, N. 3., on Steptember 19, 1881.
Ills father. Abram. Garfield, a man of ex
cjjent New .Rngland ancestry, took his
aVilly'from New 'York to the wilderness
In 1R.T, and after a brave beginning, died
at the age of HI,. leaving a widow and four
small children; of whom the future presi
dent was the youngeit.
Brought up In a log cabin. Inured to the
privations of frontier life, the boy acquired
n early passion for learning and become
an omnivorous, reader at-the age of 10.
For some months he drove a boat on the
Ohio canal. He' attended a nemlnary at
Chester and ' after ' the first term pained
enough during the vacations by harvesting,
carpentering and 'learning t.aupport him
self and pay for his education.
He graduated from; Williams college In
1856 iwllh the. highest bonor by means of
icrsl:wjt and conscientious work, and
study. During the-neat-six-years hi phe
nomenal activity mada htm a college presi
dent, a stat senator, a major general In
the national army and a representative
elect of the national congress.
He entered congress- a J&. When Blaine
the house of representatives for the
ate Itl 1877 tlarfleld became the republi
can leader In the house. He waa elected
to the presidency on the republican ticket
on November 2, 18S0, with General Wlnfleld
Bcott Hancock as his competitor. He
I
t ' M.-
Inaugurated ons March 4. 188L
everything about his administration
seemed anplclous when, on July 2, 1X81, as
ha was passing through the railroad sta
tion at Washington, setting out on a trip
through New England, he waa shot by a
disappointed office seeker; -
He was eeverly wounded and lingered
between life and death for ten weeks.
During the summer he was removed to
Klberon on the Jersey coast on a special
train and bore the Journey well. At first
he rallied, but died on September 19, after
a few hours of unconsciousness.
(Copyright, 1911, by the N. T. Herald Co.)
l!lli!llllllll!lllll!li:il!lliinuiiliidhln7TTir iiii.iiiiiinlilllllllllllllTlllllMMijlin
AT LAST I HAVE FOUND TME7y AvASY NOT TH00 WHO PfCKFO MiM
WOMAN Ml AVE ARCH EWCMY, V (AS I STOOPtTO FOR WATES TO J
,
(Look hot to mi "fok mercy, scoipiow'l f T etcher o us wiper, t no fair! T
THOU SHRLT fl MADE A SOiMwKWC I 1"' BELO W THE B j LT. 2
EXAMPLE FOR THE. C0UTy SJPE . J O, SMMFIImT
V"-- M l LULU r - S y 'iA nQ Sfe!
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JWfts tS III I I
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h-Uw i
The BEES Junior Birthday Book
fe)
This is fhe
Day We
Celebrate
1 1 :c?' I
VS IC)
.May 29, 1911.
JARVI8 J. OAFFOItn.
1024 North Thirty-second Street.
Name and Address. School. Year.
Pearl E. Brannaman, 1207 Sciuth Twenty-seventh 6t. . Park 18M
Edward Barker, 3124 Miami 8t Howard Kennedy. . 1SI7
Pearl Bernstein, 308 North Thirtieth St Far nam 189
Clifford Barber, 4721 North Forty-second St Central Park 1901
Irene Brlggs, 2575 Cuming: St Webster J . .1108
Blanch Bart, 2223 South Fifteenth St Comenlus ........ .1908
Anna Copeland, 2471 South Twentieth St Cnstellar 1903
Mae F. Carney, 2216 Davenport St. . . .I High 1895
Francis I. Cowan, 1920 South Thirty-fourth St Windsor . . . 189S
Wilbur R. Cramer, 2518 Binney St Lothrop ..1901
Albert C. Edwards, 2434 Manderaon St ....Lothrop J. ..1901
Leo M. Fltiwllliams, 545 South Twenty-ninth St....Farnam ,1905
Harrletta Fairfax, 1019 North Twenty-first St Kellora 1898
I Jarvis J. Oafford, 1024 North Thirty-second St Franklin 1899
Erwin R. Oielstad, 8616 Boyd St ....Monmouth Park.. .1900
Arthur D. Hayes, Sixty-second and Hickory Sts Beats 1898
Clyde Harrow, 3034 Evans St Druid Hill 1901
Gladys Joy, 3030 Plnkney 8t Druid Hill 1901
Axel B. Jensen, 1423 Oust St Sherman . ..1898
Vera Kounts, 1411 Madison Ave Lake 1904
Ruth S. Lof, 2115 Ohio 8t Lake 1898
Olga D. Lanterbach, 1920 South Twelfth St Lincoln 1901
Raymond Murphy, 1837 North Nineteenth St Lake 1908
Hubert McAndrews, 3349 South Nineteenth St. ..... High 1898
Gertrude Peycke, 556 8outh Twenty-eighth St Farnam ......... ,1901
Eddie Peasner, 957 North Twenty-seventh Ave Webster ......... .1887
Martha Ran, 8123 Leavenworth St Park . .1896
Desella Strawn, 1920 South Twenty-eighth St Park ...1904
Helen Schneckenberger, 4712 North Twenty-ninth St. Saratoga .1904
Gordon George Sims, 8173 Fowler Ave Monmouth Park.. .1905
Helen 8turgess, 8212 Cuming Bt High ..1896
Fred Strauss, 226 Francis St ..Train ,190J
Crane T. Shea, 1204 Botith Ninth St Pacific ...1891
George R. Woodruff, 3329 Lafayette Ave Franklin .1800
Roland F. Wellman, 2308 South Thirty-third St. .'. . . Windsor . . . . ., . ..1904
Ethel Wells, 2201 8onth Twenty-second St. ....... Mason 1898
r
Epigranis of All Periods
J
A promise Is a debt;
Peace feeds ;" war wastes.
Cnllnd.
J Tru
one-eyed are kings In the land of the
4 tic
r
True eloquence doea, not oontlst In mere
speech. .v. v ,
Popular Fallacies
That all the so-called Havana cigars
come from Havana.
That the chorus girl dines regularly In
ths gastronomic palace
A lean compromise Is better than a fat
lawsuit.
Ii l no gooa mmiui
1 weather.
la known In bad
I More people a
are slain by stoppers than by
f I the sword.
Take car of rbur sees when the fox
.4 preaches.
one nana must wasn ma otner, or ootn
will be dirty.. '
VitmA Am .Km Hlwh .a h.H.v .Kan m hiin.
5lre4 in tha air.
(
T Virtue Is so amiable that even the
I vicious admire It. V
'Wedlock rides In the saddle and repen
tance on the cm per.
A woman laughs when she can and weeps
when she pleases.
Some ' people take mora pains to be
damned than to be save.
Mules make a great fuse abdut their an
cestors having been horses.
The Weekly Poet Boy of New York City
recorded the fae on February 18, KEl. that
"a creature called a Japanese Is being ex
hibited at Edward Wlllet's at White Hall."
That the only way to teach a youth to
alwm la to throw him overboard In deep
water.
That an actor can make love In real
life as romantically as . he doea on the
stage.
I Loretta's Looking Glass-Held Up t,;Woman Who Serves Vinegar J
'That to turn bread upside down on the
table indicates you'U figure In a shipwreck.
That the meat prices will conform with
the sclentlflo fact that what goes up must
coma down.
That If you count ten after an enemy
swats yon on the nose you can control
your anger.
That a "beacon light" on a man's nose
Indicates an unlimited round battle with
John Barleycorn.
"Catalaped."
One of the curious characteristics of the
old-time darkles Is their ability to make
tbelr stories always Intelligible, no matter
how fully garnished with the big words
which delight their souls.
Aunt DUsey waa asked, "What has be
come of young Tom BUlupsT"
"De Ian' sakes. Miss Baby," she replied,
with uplifted hands and eyes like saucers.
"He dun run off, 'way last' spring, to one
er dese heah rank places, whar dee raises
de cattle, an' we alo' got no news o' him,
nary word 'cep'n t Is one dese sump's
near picture cyards an' I Jes b'lleve. Miss
Baby, dat de boy's dun been catnlpped!"
Llpplncott's. '
There are several styles lit which you
may convey your acid concoctions. But no
one Of them Is quite so well suited to the
revolting draught as the unsigned letter.
A woman who had been a girl In a cer
tain town went back to visit. She had
worked with brain and hand and aching
heart and had achieved some distinction
and a good living.
Why such Inoffensive accomplishment
should inspire you with a desire to serve
her with vinegar punch Is unfathonable.
But you prepared the dose.
Tou wrote her a letter. Bhe need not
feel smart. She haA not done so much.
Then you Inserted the characteristically
catty blackslap that women like you al
ways administer. Tou said she was old
enough tb have grown children. Illumlnat-
lngly, you suggested that she would be
far better employed If she married and
settled down to mind her own business like
other women. It waa the height of silli
ness, you Informed her, for her to go to
daneea as If she did not know she had
crow's feet and was getting fat. Then you
returned to the age question which seems
such a significant one to the woman who
have done so little to justify the length of
life with which the birth record credits
them. Tou said that the "boys" who were
escorting her around were old enough to
be her sons. Tou fairly Jumped up and
down In a malignant linguistic effort to hit
her In a weak spot or scratch her In an
open wound. Tou shot every known Ir
ritant, every villainous Ingredient into
your punch and mixed it with are rage
strong band of an Infuriated woman.
Why? Can you tell ? Can you define
what makes you eager to wound and scour
age and anger another woman T It must be
Jealousy. She has qualities which you
know you lack. Or It Is envy. Tou over
estlmte her kind of success, and want It
Bhe could tell you that her small fame has
been earned so hard that it baa lost its
glamour. Bhe could tell you, too, that she
would rather be In your place, a mother, a
homekeeper. But not you. No, no, not
what you are in your black heart and
senseless head. - .
Tou have no place In the' public eye.
And not having brains enough to realize
that you have a place which should be In
finitely better, you choose to regard her
aa a mote In that eye.. Tou constitute your
self the surgeon for her removal. Tou
want to make the operation' Just as painful
as possible, too. Tou taunt her homeless
ness, her childlessness.
Not,, you resplsable coward, because you
value those blessings, but Just to brae about
what you have, that you may make her
possessions seem little. Tou narrow-minded
female pigmy, you cannot even guess how
deeply you wound. Tou have not the
comprehension to understand your own
success at hurting her.
You contemptible backbiter! The original
snake was condemned, to stinging the heel
of women. But you have Improved on
ancient privilege. With devilish ambition,
you have mounted higher. If your dearest
purpose could be achieved, you would bit
Into the very heart of the woman who
.moves you to snvy.
Take Baths in School
Though poverty Is not necessarily synony
mous with slovenliness In Germany, aa It
seems to be In soma other countries, still
the government finds It expedient to bring
up Its future subjects with a due apprecia
tion of the benefits of soap and water,
says the New Tork Sun. Hence the cur
ricula of the new grade schools Include a
semi-weekly bath. This Is administered
to groups of twenty boys or .-girls at a
time. Each la provided with a one-piece
bathing suit, a towel and a piece of soap,
which are kept In individual lockers.
Around the walls of the bathing hall are
twenty tiny dressing booths, curtained off
with twenty rubber curtains. A space
twelve feet square in the center of the
floor Is marked off by a surrounding ditch
a foot wide and a foot deep. When this
Is filled with nice warm water twenty
pairs of feet, five on a side, go splashing
Into It and tweaty little bodies get a thor
ough lathering and a good scrub. When
the teacher In charge thinks the cleaning
process complete and often supervision Is
very necessary the water la drained from
the ditch and the bathers take their places
on the central platform, where they are
finished off with a cold shower. Then a
good rub down, a hurried dressing and
back to class they go again.
The clothes are very often scarcely fit
company for the clean little bodies that
get into them, but tha school authorities
are confident that the influence of the
school bath in time will extend not only
to the clothes, but to home and parents.
too.
Two Winks.
The little boy had persisted In trying to
annoy all the passengers In the car. At
one of the station a very fashionably
dressed lady took the seat directly back
of him. He climbed up on the seat and
began roguishly to wink at ber.
"Johnny," said his patient mother, "you
must not wink at ladles. That is naughty.
If you do, you will never grow big."
"Why. ma," was the startling reply,
"that fat man across the aisle winked at
the lady, and he is big." LlpplncoU'a.
A flying man died from bruises sustained
while attempting to alight from a Green
wich church steeple In 1722.
c
Unchivalrous Tax
J
' A furious controversy has been raging
In Oldenburg, Germany, over the project
to tax all unmarried persons. The pro
ject, which has been before a committee
of the Landtag, is to Impose a supplemen
tary Income tax on incomes of the unmar
ried which exceed 230 a year. Only per
sons between 10 and M years old will be
subject to the tax.
Hitherto all such taxes have been Im
posed in men alone, but the unchivalrous
Oldenburg legislature proposed not to spare
the women. This la the main cause of the
opposition. Opponents of the tax declare
that women are usually not themselves
responsible for their unmarried blessed
ness, and they ask how can a government
decide whether a woman has done her best
to get married or not.
Dr. M It tier, a fierce enemy of the pro
ject, dectarea that If the law passes the
government will have Itself to act as a
marriage agency. In the Interests of Justice
it will be obliged to give every woman
a chance of refusing a husband before It
takes her for obduracy.
Mexican Maidens
"Regarding some of the customs of the -Mexican
girl," said a man from El Paso,
Tex., "there are current many mistaken
notions.
'Tor example, she is popularly supposed
to play the guitar, to wear a mantilla and
to smoke cigarettes. Aa a matter of fact
the guitar la almost aa unknown Instru
ment among the women of the upper
clasaes, the becoming mantilla la rarely
seen In the streets save on Good Friday,
having been discarded In favor of hats
In atrocious taste, and the senorlta never
smokes. Neither doea she make a habit
of attending bull fights."
(( X
Nuts of Knowledge
'9
Plaiting of straw for hat and bonnets
commenced about ISO.
Banks for the deposit of money
In existence In the year 83.
In
Gentle Cynicisms
J
A love match has burned many a fel
low's fingers.
The principal objection to the spring poet
Is that he is all write.
Many a man leads such a fast life that
he die of old age before he Is 40.
The only advice worth taking Is the
kind we give ourselves.
Don't go out looking for trouble. Most
of It Is home-made, anyhow.
Too much money has been the undoing
of more men than too little.
Many a man clamors for Justice who
wouldn't like It if he should get it
It takes nerve to allow a dentist to kill
one.
The rock of adversity generally has a
little rye on the side.
Marriage la a partnership, generally with
one silent partner.
The mora faults a man has, the more
he believes In heredity. Boston Herald.
Some men seek foreign shores for a
rest and some to avoid arrest.
Indigo for dyeing was introduced into
Italy In the eleventh century.
The reek on which Gibraltar stands
tlses t43 feet from the sea.
English professional crickateers receive
$100 for playing in teat matches.
The Oerman mile Is more than four
times as long as the English.
Ether as an anaesthetic waa used by tr.
Jackson for the first time in VM,
Pawnbroklng began In England about
1200, during the reign of Richard L Cpeur
de Lion.
Trial by Jury began to supercede ether
modes of prosecution late in the fourteenth
century.
Women enjoy equal suffrage with men
in voioniao, Wyoming, man ana xaano.
They have been voting in Wyoming since
1889. In a number of ether states they
enjoy suffrage on a limited scale. .
The property loss In the United BtateS
from fire during 1910 was estimated to be
f 210,009,000. The total peperty loss In the
country from fire In the last thirty-three
years has been HKC.9M.124. Tha greatest
loss In any one year waa In 1906, the time
of the Ban Francisco earthquake. The
total lose for the country then was Hl,-
sasoo.
-I
The Early Bird-
V
1A
T
"'..'. )
1
" . . A
hi
Just What She Wanted
"-bAL
, jut because you happen to
b ibt early bird
And the worm ia a
extra long one
Don't make a pig- o
jounelf
For more die from food
than famine,. -
rtlfJL PAPFF?? I MUST HAVf .1
J
URL PAPERS? I MUST MAVP
THFM MAVRC iriN PINn
I F-l I WILL UL1 s 1
JUST A5 Wf ll!'
THIS 13 OUST
WHAT I WANT
HufiBY Pf AR.
It POUND
THIS in
youe DUSK
I 1 i 3. r m
i mm c m . . : a
GREAT SCOTT." WuYtl
Of MY 1Mt
FlILEAGE BOOK?.?,