13
azine
X
JQheBEES 5iuaior Birfoday Book
Undoing of Mr. Uplift
"The Out-of-Work Club," Argued
by Father t. Son.
J3I LAfAICITII CAKKS.
J
TTIK BKE: OMAITA. THURSDAY, APRIL 20. 1011.
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This article tells about a man who ha
been looking- for work twenty-six years
snd baa not found It yet." observes Father.
the human encyclopedia of owl-like wls-
iom enter for the usual hour'a Inatructlon
hla parent.
ooodneaa, how he lovea It." hums young
Mr. Uplift, lazily searching for a match to
tart the "dope stick" burning.
"It would seem an though a man might
find work Id that time." continues Father,
laying down the evening paper In order to
give the subject dua consideration.
"Not If ha saw work coming firot."
hedges Hon. who possesses a flmt-hanl
knowledge of labor Evasion In all Ita most
uhtle phases. "This gink was probably
too bashful or tired to speak to work when
he did happen to spot a bunch of tha
trouble coming his way."
"In all those years," says Father. "I
should think he could see ejme. oppor
tunity to get a good position."
"Mayba there was something the matter'
(wlth his lamps," suggests Con, "and he!
t" had tost the v rirwtnr'a tkAAfmm Thnf'
will help to keep a man out of a Job some-
times, especially In the glad spring time
when that tired feeling Is getting In Its
best llcka."
"They say Fortune knocks at every
body's door at least once In a lifetime,"
Is the hope Father holda out.
"This Jobless guy was probably asleep at
the switch when the old lady called,"
thinks Son. "or else his feet hurt him too
much to walk to the door. Dame Fortune
never skins her knuckles, believe me, when
he's pulling off that knocking stunt.
That's the softest bit of work she does."
r.ien . puor position is oencr inan
none." avers Father. "Remember the
proverb of the half loaf."
"I don't see why a gink should work a
week for half a loaf when he can get all
loaf by sidestepping work altogether,"
y argues Son.
"I should think a man would be very
lonely all that time without any occupa
tion," resumes Father.
"Don't spill any of the damp stuff weep
ing abdut It," warns Son, "for the Out-of-Work
club Is one of our very strongest
little organizations, and a member In good
standing can alwaya find a bunch of pals.
The sunny side of dear old Broadway has
droves of 'em, and they are all there forty
ways when It comes to sidestepping slav
ish toll."
r m
Jifft IP HE JAW WflGK r;esr :
"Surely these m.'n don't find any pleas
ure In having nothing to do," protests
Father with much astonishment.
"Looking for work when the bock beer
signs are hung up in the windows, and the
thirst parlors oil their swing doors, is one
of the grandest sports ever Invented," ex
plains Son, "provided, of course, a chap
can keep on looking without the annoy
ance of being offered a Job. Gentle spring
stirs up more hate against common or
garden toll than all the hookworms In the
sunny southland ever dreamed about."
"I don't see why the weather should
make a man try to shirk his duty," puzzles
Father.
"Warm weathor brings on base ball and
fishing," reminds (ton, "both sports that
every patriotic American ought to be will
ing to neglect work In order to cultivate."
"Business before pleasure is my motto."
moralizes Father. "I admire the man that
can be found at his work every day in the
year."
"Sure, we've got that kind In our office,
too," admits Son, "tha boys who never
miss a day's pay nor buy a drink."
"These men who are always looking for
work are single," Father surmises.
"Righto!" agrees Son. "A married man
has to get work because wlfle needs the
mazuma."
(Copyright, 1911, by the N. T. Herald Co.)
The Girl You Don't Invite Again
8ha who cornea to your house and tells
you such disagreeable thlnga of tha last
family visited that you creeplly feel,
"What ' will she say about us?"
The girt who makes herself a burden by
exacting unnecessary services from tha
maids. '
. The fault finding girl, who grumble at
the weather, tha dust, tha cold or heat,
the bad night she bad and at Ufa at large
until her hostess feela It Is only a sense
of decency that precludes grumbles at th
ways of the family. x
The food mincing girl. A dainty appe
tite never yet proved a popularity asset
In the eyes of a hostess. She would prefer
a greedy visitor to one who does "not eat
enough to keep a birl alive."
The girl who must be amused Inces
santly. Running amuck la not harder on
the nervea of a hostess than keeping many
a modern visitor from getting bored.
V The girl who never la on time to her
meals. If tha hosts can stand delay tha
cook won't and few girls are agreeable
enough In themselves to. make domestic
tuctions pay.
The girl who cannot efface herself. No
one wants a visitor under heel all the day,
and the popular guest Is she who has let
ters to write in her- room, or who Ifkes
to He down occasionally.
These disappearing must-not Interfere
with ' the plans of a hostess if the girl
Is to be chro'nioally welcome. . No hostess
ilkes to fert he Is dragging- her guest
from a needed rest.
She who patronizes, who approves of you,
your ' home and your kiddles from such
height of superiority that you would wel
come open rudeness in preference. '
The girl who does not fit In. She it Is
who cannot adjuat herself to simple living,
and keeps an entire family on the strain
of . company manners. .
She who, visiting in one social circle,
boasts of friends in the same town of
greater wealth or position; or the other
girl, who visiting people of influence, per
sist In asking her friends In another set
to call whether or not they know her
hostess. San Francisco Chronicle.
X
Jokers in an English Will
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According to a dispatch In tha Philadel
phia. North American, two continents have
been laughing at poor Lord George "Chum
ley." or, to be strictly correct. . Choi
mondeley. .
Not only has ha saddled himself with a
wife that hla predecessor couldn't keep in
order, but In adding her to hla other bur
dens ha has run afoul of that remarkable
win which was tha last of tha eccentricities
of tha queer and capricious Lady Meux.
According to thla last testament. Lord
George was to get $1,0C0 If ha married "a
lady In society."
. And In freeing poor Stirling from the
, former Clara Ullaabeth Taylor, once a
chorus girl of two continents, tha preald
tf Ing Judge especially noted that tha actress
Xwaa of auoh temperatment that aha and
society had a mutual aversion for each
other.
It la supposed a spirit of revenge against
"high" society Inspired Idy Meux, form
erly a circus rider, to plan an almost
sublime Joka In her wllL She had led
many persons In the aristocracy to believe
they would be her heirs, but when the
will was opened all those who bad been
led on to hope were most beautifully left
out In the cold. Vice Admiral tsir Hod
worth Lambton, a "dark horse." got prac
tically the entire estate, worth many mil
lions, while all the others were cut off
with bequests about aa valuable as that of
Lord "Chumley's."
Tha post-mortem Jokes, howeved, were
not confined to fortune-hungry connec
tions. The National Gallery cams In for
It'a when she left It the "sable" portrait
of herself, by Whistler, "If it could be
found." Up to date It haa not been found,
secattss It Is supposed to be In tha col
lection of a rich American.
AnHher of her benefactions was the will
ing of her Assyrian antiquities to the
Brltlrh museum, with the usual string In
the form of a proviso that they be all kept
together In one room. They possibly
couldn't all be kept together. In any event.
because quits a number are spurious.
f
How the Coolness Grew
The Smiths and Browna had been very
" good friends.
Then one day tha Smiths got an automo
bile, a luxury which tha Browna could not
afford.
Tha Browna still liked the Smiths, but
- they became rather timid about calling, be-
cause they thought the smiths might con
- aider It a hint to take them out in their
automobile.
j Tha B ml ths couldn't understand tha cool
ness of tha Browns and thought they must
' be offended about something. If they were
sura the Browns were not offended they
would have gone around and taken them
V out riding.
M And then the Smiths lost their money
' aad had to salt their automobile.
Tba Browns were very sorry for the
Rnillhs. because they always liked them.
and they thought tha Smltha would appre
ciate it If they called, and so they dropped
around one evening.
i The Smltha couldn't understand wby the
Browns, after remaining away aa long, had
called, and they thought It was for the
purpose of gloating over their misfortune.
fJlDoordtngly the Smiths hesitated about re
yTturnlng the call.
In tha mean time the Browns bought
I an automobile and they thought the Smiths
would appreciate a ride. Bo they went
ground ona evening and look them out.
The Smiths wars very much annoyed at
Ibis, bens use they thought tha Browns
were trying to show off. As this Idea grew
tun inera mey oecame more and more
vexed, and finally decided not to speak to
the Browns when they met them on the
street.
wnen the Browns observed this they
thought they had done something to offend
tns smiths, so they, too quit speaking, of
course.
This attitude of the Browns, but con
firmed the notion of the Smiths that thi
Browna had become purse-proud.
And they all lived unhappily on the same
street ever after. Kills O. Jones in Life.
r
Lesson in Banking
J
The leading negroes of a Georgia town
started a bank and Invited persons of their
race-, to become customers. One day a
darky, with shoes run down at the heels,
a saaius over one snoulder and a cotton
shirt, showed up at the bank.
see here," be said, "I win mah ten dol
ls he."
"Who Is yuh?" asked the cashier.
Mah name a Jim Johnson, an' I wants
dat ten dollars."
"Yuh am t so' no money in dls here
bank." said the cashier, after looking over
the books.
"Tea. I has," Insisted the visitor. "I put
tea dollars In here six months er go."
"Why, man, yuh shure Is foolish. te
Intrtet done et dat up long er go." Chi
cago Sketch.
mm mm wvmmt tvuhm m mi nou eti um Tim q.
WefT, Wile- 99
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7
Bus is he
Day We
Celebrate
April 20, 1911.
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L
WIT.LTK FT.TNN,
IJS South Fifteenth Street.
Nanin and Andrews. NcIkhiK Vpar.
Arthur Black, 1813 North Twenty-third St Kellom 190
Marie Burns, 1831 North Twenty-first St Kellotn 1902
Anna M. Brazda, 1 436 South Twelfth St Comeniu. 1899
Mason Brown, 1716 California St Holy Family
Katie Lea Bradley. 1040 South Twenty-third St.... Mason 1900
Maggie Barone, f 3 1 4 South Twenty-fourth St Mason 1902
Hazel Cavanaugh, 2705 South Thirteenth St Bancroft 1904
Willie Chriatengen, 410 Center St Train .' 1902
Stella O. Dill, 2524 Lake St Park 1898
Bridget Donahoe, 2207 North SlxteenthSt Holy Family 1900
Andrew K. Dodd, 1623 North Twenty-third St Kellom 1901
Earl S. Eselin, 2110 Lake St Lake 1897
Mabel M. Etchlson, 2817 South -Thirty-third St Windsor 1900
William Flynn, 2328 South Fifteenth St St Patrick 1903
Reta Fisk, 1111 Dominion St Edward Rosewater.1900
Catherine Goes, 124 North Thirty-first Ave Far nam 1900
Ruth Gifford, 2814 North Thirty-first St Howard Kennedy. . 1904
Etta Grossman, 1417 North Seventeenth St Kellom 1901
Agnes Graniewska, 2729 South Twenty-fifth St....Im. Conception 1903
Frances D. Gordon, 3916 North Twenty-first St Lothrop 1904
Artie Hall, 1519 North Eighteenth St Kellom 1904
Clifford F. Home, 1710 North Thirty-fourth St Franklin 1903
Lily Hlllquist, 409 North Thirty-first St Farnam '..1903
Martha Horsens, 2916 Seward St...
Long
.1901
Harry W. Havely, 2109 South Tenth St Lincoln 1898
Kathleen Handschuh, 31J8 Fort Omaha Ave Monmouth Park...1898
Dorothy Johnson. 3723 North Twentieth St Lothrop 1803
Milly Johnson, 4619 Chicago St Saunders 1897
Melrose Kaufman, 1401 North Twenty-fifth St Long 1905
Helen KochanowskJ, 2820 Walnut St Im. Conception 1908
Jennie Liclite, 1823 North Twenty-fourth St.
. Long
.1905
Vs
History of Transportation
(Copyright, 1911, by Union Pacifle Ry. Co.)
(Complied by Charles J. Lane and D. C.
Buell lor the Union faciric Bcnool 01
Railroading for Employes.)
(Continued from Testerday.)
When the fiscal figures of the commerce
and Industrial commission are ready. It la
expected that a showing of not less than
$3,400,000,000 earned during the fiscal year
from July 1, 1909, to June 30, 1910, will be
made by the railroads of the United
States. Of thla amount, the freight traffic
will probably be found to have contrib
uted about 69 per cent, and tha passenger
traffic, 23 per cent, the remainder , being
mads up of miscellaneous earnings. The
ratio of operating expenses to earnings
will probably be over 71 per cent.
The net capitalisation of all the rail
roads of tba United States Is found to be
113,508,711,173. or 357,962 per mile of line,
and 339,730 per mile of track.
The par value of the above represents
the railroad capital outstanding, which on
the last record was 3J,77.M4,K7. . Of this
amount, 312,840.091,463 la outstanding In the
bands of the public, 37,373.213,323 represents
the total outstanding capital aa stock, of
which 35.000.910.000 la common stock, and
31.000.4e2,000 Is preferred stock. The re
mainder, approximately $9,394. 000,000, repre
sents what Is known as a funded debt, con
sisting of mortgage bonds amounting to
$6,610,000,000; collateral trust bonds. $1,071
000,000; other bonds, debentures, and notes,
$835,000,000; Income bonds, 3258,0uO.00O; equip
ment, trust, and other obligations, $612,
000,000. Of this total capitalisation outstanding In
the hands of purchasers, more than 32,
500,000,000 (34.30 per cent) is paying the own
ers nothing In the way of dividends; and,
of the total amount of outstanding stock,
$7,373,000,000 paid the owners from 1 to 4
per cent; 7.64 per cent of the railroad stock
of the United States Is paying from 4 to 6
per cent; 11.82 per cent Is paying from I to
t per cent; 12.40 per cent, from ( to 7 per
cent; 13.60 per cent,, from 7 to $ per cent,
and 14.52 -per cent of air-the capitalisation
is paying 8 per cent or more.
Tha total amount of the funded debt that
paid no Interest, was 3636,000,000, or T.24
per cent: of mortgage bonds that pay no In
terest, 3487,000.000, or 7.87 per cent; of col
lateral trust bonds, $14,000,000, or 1.8 per
cent. In plainer words, the total amount of
funded debt that paid no returns at all.
was 7.87 per cent.
As closely as can be determined, there
are 3o0,0o0 stockholders In the United
States, holding either the common or the
preferred stock of steam railroads. There
Is a still greater number of bondholders,
so that ths holders of railroad securities
In this country closely spproach 750,000
people.
About five-sixths of all the street rail
ways In the United States are electric lines.
A careful estimate shows that there are
today about 30,00 miles of electric railways
In operation In this country, built st a cost
of 32,600,000,000.
It seems' fitting In closing this paper, to
Illustrate and describe preaent-day road
way, track and locomotive standards, aa
exemplified by Union Paciflo practice; and
to give soma recent statistics of railroad
development.
The earthwork of the roadbed provides a
seventeen-foot baae for single , track, and
a thirty-foot base for double track. On
this earthwork, sixteen Inches of dustless
Sherman gravel or broken atone (2,940 cubic
yards to the mile), furnishes a bed In each
mile of which 2.880 Burnettlzed ties, eight
feet long and 7x9 inches In section, are
placed. This bed of ballast extends sis
Inches beyond the ends of the ties, and
then slopss for eighteen Inches to the
earthwork base. Drainage through cuts Is
provided by aide ditches, triangular In sec
tion; three feet wide at the top and twelve
Inches deep, located one foot from the edge
ct ths ballast.
(To be Continued.)
Frances LewiB, 4715 North Nineteenth St Saratoga 1904
iwyra Mumry, 4735 North Thirty-ninth St High ....1893
Max Munson, 2444 Pratt St Lothrop 1897
Howard Moss, 2811 Castellar St Windsor 1105
Victor Meyers, 3340 South Nineteenth St" .Vinton 1901
John La Montia, 1323 South Twelfth St St Philomena 1898
Alice M. Naugle, 3311 Fowler Ave Monmouth Park.. .1901
Anna Petersen. 2908 Lake St. Howard Kennedy.. 1894
Ethel L. Kotter, 6909 Fort St Sherman 1905
Jessie Peck, 2707 Brown St Saratoga 1899
Florence Ringle, 2405 Davenport St .Central 1 l905
Esther K. Robinson. 2003 North Forty-fifth St Walnut Hill. .....1905
Harold Saulter. 2707 South Tenth St High 1895
Helen E. Stowitts. Clarinda, 2130 Farnam St Farnam 1898
George Sitera. 1117 Dominion St Edward RosewateV.1903
Max I Schlager, 3820 Parker St Franklin 1904
Joseph Szabo, 821 North Twentieth St Cass V. ...'.1903
r
Keep Out of Range
There lived and preached for many years
In Rhode Island Elder Qeorge Champlln,
a colored man, possessed of much com
mon sense, knowledge of his brethren's
virtues and fallings, and considerable wit.
He had many devoted admirers among
his own people, but some of them fait that
his sermons were apt to be a little too
personal and pointed. One gentle sister
was asked to remonstrate with him, and
easayed to do so.
"Bister Lou Campton," said the elder
firmly when she had made her plea, "when
I am preaching I shoot right at de devil,
and It's only when, somebody gets between
me snd de mark dat he's liable to be
hurt"
War mesne hsrd tack for all soldiers
and hard taxes for all cltixens.
r 1 " 1 ' 1 1 aac
Loretta's Looking Glass-Held Up to the Woman With the Hat J
I heard her at the club. And she talked
well. But her hat waa even finer than
her speech.
The speech waa about the economic In
dependence of woman; and the hat was
aBbut 830! At least, estimating woman na
ture rather than the component parts of
tha chapeau, I figured It had taken about
such a check on her "economic Independ
ence" to buy It.
"I glory In the economic Independence of
woman!" she exulted. "I can make my
own money; and I can spend It! I am hot
a slave to any man's Ideas ef oooaoAiy. I
earned tha money and bought and paid for
thla hat I'
ll was becoming. She did look pretty as
ahe radiated her triumph.
When ahe had flntabel and subalded
gracefully Into tha seat of honor, the pres
ident made the announcement that tha
speaker would be glad to answer Questions.
That hat fixed my attention with the
grip of ths ancient mariner's baleful aye. clubdom.
I aldled up and Inspected it at short range.
It was helmet shaped. Five dollars was
ths moat It should have cost and that
would not have been paying at sweatshop
rates, either. It waa not worth more. Two
cute wings displayed their flutteresque
dlmlnutlveness on It. Bepe rated from the
hat they could be bought at any depart
ment store for $1.98. But, being a woman.
I knew that they might have taken the
price-soaring when they perched on the
frame. And a queer little wad of corallna
velvet waa stuck. Ilka an apopleptlc mush
room chemically treated, as a plat e for the
wings to sprout.
Ten dollars should have covered the
whole roet. I wondered If It did. What
about that boaated economlo Independence T
Was she more sane than some others of
us who earn our livings? Wss she econ
omically Independent of the milliner t
"May 1 aak a question?" I ventured.
Tha president looked uneasy. Bhe knew
that question time waa tha fees center ef
But aha bowed consent
"How much did the speaker pay for her
hat?"
Tha club members forgot that tea was
lata. The speaker wore a determlned-to-be-plessant-even-to-tm
pertinent-persons ex
pression. "Thirty dollars It Is a Paris hat. And
I earned the money!"
A chorus of nods that said silently:
"Now, will' you be goodT" came meward.
1 was. I waa satisfied. She was Just like
the rest of us. She talked with a loud
noise about economic Independence just
because she could earn money. But she
wss no more Independent of her milliner
than we. Pon't we talk smartly,, though!
Why, a man would think hlmaolf a slave
If he could be bamboosled Into giving $30
for a $10 hat. He pays 34 or $ and has
two. Ws pay oh! mercy! let's not talk
about how much or how many! And let's
leara ths A B C of this enomlo Inde
pendence business before we go tn for ora
torical celebrations that make us ridiculous
te thinkers.
urace opeiiman, zz3o onto St Lake
Ramona Van Murgh, 3036 Curtis Ave Miller Park!
Emil Willrodt, 1722 South Seventeenth St High '.
Hiram White, 313 Vs North Fifteenth St Cass
Edward Weldeman, 3017 South Ninth St Vinton ".7.7
Arthur Welti, 2306 North Twenty-first St Lake ......
Nellie Wood 2511 South Thirty-second St High "..!!
Willie Wlntroub, 2212 Cass St ! Central . 7. !
Clarence Wooldrldge, 3227 California St Webster 7"
Ralph Zimmerman, 111 North Twenty-fifth St High
1897
1902
1893
1903
1896
1899
1894
1900
1902
1892
Tabloid History of the Presidents
Third In the list of presidents stands
Thomas Jefferson, who figured during tho
early days of the first sdmlfilHtratlon as
Washington's secretary of state. It was
he who had proponed our present system
of dollars and cents, with dimes, half
dimes and a gold coin of $10 with sub
divisions such as we have now.
In May, 1786. John Jay had given
him the commission appointing him
sole minister plenipotentiary to France,
succeeding Benjamin Franklin. It waa he
who penned the famous declaration of In
dependence. An Englishman described Jefferson at his
Inauguration in these words:
"His dress was of plain cloth and lie
rode on horseback to the rapitol without
a single guard or servant In his train, dis
mounted without assistance and hitched
the bridle of his horse to the pallfiudeH."
This Is In accord with the famous Jef
fersontan simplicity. Another ptiaxe of It
was shown In Jefferson's life In France,
where he vlnlted the peasants In their
homes, when he would contrive to sit on
the bed, In order to ascertain what It was
made of and get a look Into the boiling
pot to see what wss to be the family
dinner."
Hla two administrations, extending fr.,111
) . I
Ik
Thomas eJErmssan.
1S01 to 1S0,-torn prise many important de
velopments. The purchase of Louisiana
wan a happy result of the president's tsot
and prompt action. Ohio was admitted
Into the union, making seventeen states In
all. Ills second term was less peaceful,
but It was Jefferson's diplomacy snd his
hatred of war that kept peace between
KnRland and the younger country,
tl'opyrlght, 1911. by the N. Y. Herald Co )
Abe Martin's Views
J
A feller kin fall at ever thing an' still
be a good pool player.
Seems like th' feller that wins two er
three dollars playln' cards never wants t'
work ag'in.
Lafa Bud has resigned his Job at th'
sawmill 'cause It took too much o his
time.
The more Jmportant a feller gits around
a concern th' easier it seems t' git along
while he Is on a vacation.
A feller kin have a swelled head an' still
wear a number six hat.
I,ota o' folks git credit fer hsvln' a
strong will power when the r only pig
headed. Somethln's wrong somewhere when s
feller can't have as much as he could
when he wus out n' work
Th' feller that argues with himself alius
gits th' beet o- It
A friend that hain't In need le a friend
Indeed.
Th' feller that don't advertise may know
his bualneas, but nobody else does.
Boys will be boys, an' ao will lota o' ole
men.
Tilferd Moots wus sxhlbltln' a wooden
chain at th' puatoffioe jrlsterday that
showed consld'sbls genius. Hs Jlst Carved
It out with a penknife Monday mornln'
while his wife wux ploughln'.
A word f th' wise Is unnecessary Abe
Martin in Business.
Australian Wit.
Breathless CuKtomer (live me a penny
mouse trap julckly pltase; I want to
cutch a train. Bydney Bulletlu.
-'..", f: , - i . v ...
ft '
ARTHUR BHROKTTK BI.ACK.
lb.J Not lb Twenty-thud Bireel
fa