IS
The ee(
SQheBEES Junior Birthday Book
l Undoing of Mr. Uplift
"The Ont-of-Work Club," Argued
by Father ti. Son.
TIIK IIKE: OMAHA. THITflKPAY, ArRTL 20. 1011.
ft
This article tells about man who Iiim
been looking for work twenty-six years
and has not found It yet." observes Father.
the human encj clnpedta of owl-Ilk wis
dom enter for the usual hour's Instruction
hie parent.
"Goodness, how he loves It." hums young
tr. l"pllft. lazily searching for a match to
tart the "dope bUcK" burning.
It would seem an thouiih a man might
find work In that time." continues Father,
laying down the evening paper In order to
glvs the subject dna consideration.
"Not If he- saw work coming flrat,"
hedgea Bon, who possesses a first-hand
knowledge of labor Ivaslnn In all Ita moat
atibtle phases. "ThW gink probably
too bashful or tired to apeak to work when
he did happen to apot a bunch of tha
trouble coming his way."
"In all those years," aaya Katlicr, "t
should think he could see sqme oppor
tunity to get a good poHltlon."
"Mayba there was aomathing the matter i
w ith hia lamp," auggenla Son. "and he !
had lost the eve doctor's AiMreaa Thul I
will help to keep a man out of a Job some
time, especially In the glad spring time
when that tired feeling la getting In Its
beat llcka."
"They Bay Fortune knocks at every
body'a door at least once In a lifetime."
In the hope Father holds out.
"This jobless guy waa probably asleep at
the switch when the old lady called."
thinks Son, "or else his feet hurt him too
much to walk to the door. Dame Fortune
never skins her knuckles, believe me, when
Bhe's pulling off that knocking atunt.
That'a the softest bit of work she does."
"Even a . poor position Is better than
none," avers Father. "Remember the
proverb of the half loaf."
"I don't see why a gink should work a
week for half a loaf when he can get all
loaf by sidestepping work altogether,"
argues Son.
"I should think man would be very
lonely all that time without any occupa
tion." resumes Father.
"Don't eplll any of the damp stuff weep
ing abdut It," warns Son, "for the Out-of-Work
club la one of our very strongest
little organizations, and a member In good
standing can always find a bunch, of pals.
The sunny side of dear old Broadway has
drovea of 'em, and they are all there forty
ways when It comes to sidestepping slav
ish toll."
9 wms
t m
Jot jp he saw Wflcx resr
"Surely these mon don't find any pleas
ure In having nothing to do," protests
Father with much astonishment.
"booking for work when the bock beer
signs are hung up In the windows, and the
thirst parlors oil their swing doors, Is one
of the grandest sports ever invented," ex
plains Son, "provided, of course, a chap
can keep on looking without the annoy
ance of being offered a Job. Gentle spring
stirs up more hate against common or
garden toll than all the hookworms In the
sunny southland ever dreamed about."
"I don't see why tire weather should
make a man try to shirk hia duty," puzzles
Father.
"Warm weathAr brings on base ball and
fishing," reminds Hon, "both sports that
every patriotic American ought to be will
ing to neglect work In order to cultivate."
' Business before pleasure is my motto,"
moralizes Father. "I admire the man that
can be found at hia work every day In the
year."
"Sure, we've got that kind in our office,
too," admits Son. "the boya who never
mlHB a day's pay nor buy a drink."
"These men who are always looking for
work are single," Father surmises.
"Righto!" agrees Son. "A married man
has to get work because wlfie needs the
mazuma."
(Copyright, 1911, by the N. T. Herald Co.)
The Girl You Don't Invite Again
Sh who comes to your house and tells
you such disagreeable things of the last
family visited that you creeplly feel,
"What ' will she say about us?"
The girt who makes herself a burden by
exacting unnecessary services from the
maids. '..''
, The fault finding girl, who grumbled' at
the weather, the dust, the cold or heat,
the bad night she had and at life at large
until her hostess feel It Is only a sense
of decency that precludea grumbles at the
ways of the family. v
' The food mincing girl. A dainty appe
tite never yet proved a popularity asset
to lire pjp. .. . ...
a greedy visitor to one who does "not eat
enough to keep a blrl alive."
The girl who must be amused Inces
santly. Running amuck Is not harder on
the nerves of a hostess than keeping many
a modern visitor from getting bored.
V- The girl who never la on time to her
meals. It the boats can stand delay the
cook won't and few girl are agreeable
enough in themselves to, make domestic
J
luctlons pay.
The girl who cannot efface herself. No
one wants a visitor under heel all the day.
and the popular guest Is she who has let
ters to write in her- room, or who Bkes
to He down- occasionally.
These dlBappeartngs must-not Interfere
with the plans of a hostess If the girl
Is to be chronically welcome. No hostess
iikes to feel she r dragging- her guest
from a needed rest.
Sho who patronises, who approves of you,
your home an,d your kiddles from such
height of superiority that you would wel
come open rudeness in preference. '
The girl who does not fit In. She It Is
who cannot adjuat herself to simple living,
and keeps an entire family on the strain
of company manners. .
She who, visiting In one social circle,
boasts of friends In the same town of
greater wealth or position; or the other
girl, who visiting people of influence, per
sist in asking her friends In another set
to call whether or not they know her
hostess. San Francisco Chronicle.
Jokers in an JEnglish Will
n
i
According to a diapatoh in tha Philadel
phia North American, two continents have
been laughing at poor Lord George "Chum
ley,", or, to be strictly correct. . Choi
mondeley. Not only haa he saddled himself with a
wife that his predecessor couldn't keep in
order, but in adding her to his other bur
den ha haa run afoul of that remarkable
will which waa the laat of tha eccentricities
of the queer and capricious Lady Jaeux.
According to thla last testament. Lord
George waa to get tlft.000 if he married "a
lady In society."
.And in freeing poor Stirling from the
former Clara Elisabeth. Taylor, once a
chorus girl of two continents, ths presid
ing Judge especially noted that th actress
was of suoh temperatment that sh and
society had a mutual aversion for each
other.
It la supposed a spirit of revenge against
"high" society Inspired Lady Meux, form
erly a circus rider, to plan an almost
sublime Jok in her will. Sh had led
many persons in the aristocracy to believe
they would be her heirs, but when the
will was opened all those who had been
led on to hope were most beautifully left
out in th cold. Vice Admiral Sir Hod
worth Lambton, a "dark horse." got prac
tically the entire estate, worth many mil
lions, while all the others were cut oft
with bequests about as valuable as that of
Lord "Chumley's."
Ths post-mortem Jokes, howeved, were
not confined to fortune-hungry connec
tions. The National Gallery came In for
It's when she left It the "sable" portrait
of herself, by Whistler, "It it could be
found." Up to date it has not been found,
because It la supposed to be in the col
lection of a rich American.
Another of her benefactions was ths will
ing of her Assyrian antiquities to the
Brltirh museum, with the usual string in
the form of a proviso that they be all kept
together In one room. They possibly
couldn't all be kept together. In any event.
because quit a number are spurious.
jf How the Coolness Grew
J
The Smiths and Browns had been very
good friends.
Then on day th Smiths got an automo
bile, a luxury which th Brown could not
afford.
Th Browns sill! liked the Smiths, but
they became rather timid about calling, be
cause they thought the smiths might con
sider it a hint to take them out In their
automobile.
Th Smith oouldn't understand the cool- j
neas of the Browns and thought they must
be offended about something. If they were
sure th Brown were not offended they
would have gone around and taken them
' vut riding.
And then the Smiths lost their money
sad had to sell their automobile.
Th Browns were very sorry for the
Smiths, because they always liked them,
and they thought th Smith would appre
ciate it it they called, and so they dropped
around ona evening.
. I II W OLUMUV VUIUM . UMWWBW W J III.
I Browns, after remaining away as lung, had
I called, and they thought It was for the
I purpose of gloating over their misfortune.
ytiXordlngly the Smiths hesitated about re
Vurntng the call.
f In th mean time the Browns bought
an automobile and they thought the Smiths
iaiiU .nnr.j.l. a rlH Sa I kav mrmnt
around on evening end took them out.
Th Smith were very much annoyed at
this, b pause ther thought th Brown
were trying to ahow off. As this idea grew
upon them they became more and more
vexed, and finally decided not to speak to
the Browns when they met them on the
street
When the Browns observed this they
thought they had done something to offend
th Smiths, so they, too quit speaking, of
courae.
Thla attitude of the Browns, but con
firmed the notion of the Smiths that the
Browne had become purse-proud.
And they all lived unhappily on th same
street ever after. Ellis O. Jones in Llfa.
esmaart. wit, m vm mm mm rwsi tsuh are mm wests eta -at awt
V Z
f oPfiKs FT 7 I 1 you Atfute ro sft ' ;
-T
' IYES, ah'm sick H I A T
' S
ft
Y
T
L
Ulis is he
Day We
Celebrate.
April 20, 1911.
; ---- r
tVITXTR FliTNN.
13 South Fifteenth Street.
Nnniei and Artd reus.
Arthur Black, 1813 North Twenty-third St
Marie Burns, 1831 North Twenty-first St
Anna. M. Rrazda, 14 36 South Twelfth St.........
Manon Brown, 1716 California St
Katie Lea Bradley. 1040 South Twenty-third St...
Maggie Barone, T314 South Twenty-fourth St
Hazel Cavanaugh, 2705 South Thirteenth St Bancroft
Willie Chrlstensen, 410 Center St Train ..
NcIhmiI. Year.
Kellom 190s
Kcllorn 1002
Comeniun 1899
Holy Family
Mason 1900
Mason 1902
1904
.' 1902
Stella O. Dill, 2524 LaXe St Tark
1890
.Holy Family 1900
.Kellom 1909
.Lake 1897
.Windsor 1900
t:
Lesson in Banking
J
The leading negroes of a Georgia town
started a bank and Invited persons of their
race-, to become customers. One day
darky, with shoes run down at the heela.
a gaiiua over one shoulder and a cotton
shirt, showed up at the bank.
"Se here," he aaid, "I wan mah ten dol
lahs."
"Who Is yuh?" aked the- cashier.
"Mah name s Jim Johnson, an' 1 went
dat ten dollars."
Yuh am t go' no money in dls here
bank." said the cashier, after looking over
the book a.
"Tea, I haa. Insisted the visitor. "I put
tea dollar In her six months er go,"
"Why, man, yuh enure Is fooUsh. te
InUist done et dat up long er go." Chi
cago Sketch.
m
History of Transportation
j
(Copyright. 1911. by Union Pacific Ry. Co.)
(Complied by Charles J. Lane and D. C.
uueii lor tne union racmc ncnooi oi
Railroading for Employes.)
(Continued from Yesterday.)
When the fiscal figures of the commerce
and Industrial commission are ready, it Is
expected that a ahowlng of not less than
$2,400,000,000 earned during the fiscal year
from July 1, 1909, to June 30, 1910, will be
made by the railroads of the United
States. Of thla amount, the freight traffic
will probably be found to have contrib
uted about 69 per cent, and the passenger
trafflo, 23 per cent, the remainder . being
mad up of miscellaneous earnings. Th
ratio of operating expenses to earnings
will probably be over 71 per cent.
The net capitalisation of all the rail
roads of the United States Is found to be
113.508,711,173, or $57,963 per mile of line,
and $39,730 per mile of track.
The par value of the above repreaents
the railroad capital outstanding, which on
the last record was HC,77.U4.K7. . Of this
amount, $12,840,091,462 is outstanding In the
hands of the public, $7,373,213,323 represents
the total outstanding capital as stock, of
which $5,000,910,000 Is common stock, and
$1,000,462,000 Is preferred stock. The re
mainder, approximately $9,384,000,000, repre
sents what Is known as s funded debt, con
sisting of mortgage bonds amounting to
$8,610,000,000; collateral trust bonds, $1,078,-
000,000; other bonds, debentures, and notes,
$835,000,000; Income bonds, $258,000,000; equip
ment, trust, and other obligations, $612,-
000.000.
Of this total capitalisation outstanding In
the hands of purchasers, more than $2,
500,000,000 (34.30 per cent) Is paying the own
ers nothing in the way of dividends; and,
of th total amount of outstanding stock,
$7,373,000,000 paid th owner from 1 to 4
per cent; 7.64 per cent of th railroad stock
of the United States Is paying from 4 to 5
per cent; 11.83 per cent Is paying from S to
6 per cent; 12.40 per cent, from to 7 per
cent; 13.60 per cent,, from 7 to $ per cent,
and 14.52 -per cent of air- the capitalisation
Is paying 8 per cent or more.
The total amount of the funded debt that
paid no Interest, waa $656,000,000, or 724
per cent; of mortgage bonds that pay no in
terest, $487,000,000, or 7.37 per cent; of col
lateral trust bonds, $14,000,000, or 1.3 per
cent In plainer words, the total amount of
funded debt that paid no return at all
was 7.87 per cent.
As closely ss can be determined, there
sre 850,000 stockholders In the United
States, holding either th common or the
preferred stock of steam railroads. There
is a still greater number of bondholders,
so that ths holders of railroad securities
In this country closely approach 750,000
people.
V About five-sixths of all the street rail
ways In the United States are electric lines.
A careful estimate shows that there are
today about $0,000 miles of electric railways
in operation In thla country, built at a cost
of $2,500,000,000.
It seems' fitting in closing this paper, to
Illustrate and describe preaent-day road
way, track and locomotive standards, aa
exemplified by Union Paclflo practice; and
to give som recent statistics of railroad
development.
Tha earthwork of the roadbed provldea a
seventeen-foot base for single , track, and
a thirty-foot base for double track. On
this earthwork, sixteen Inches of dustless
Sherman gravel or broken stone (2,940 cubic
yards to the mile), furnishes a bed In each
mile of which 2,880 Burnettized tlea, eight
feet long and 7x9 Inches in section, are
placed. This bed of ballast extends six
Inches beyond the ends of the ties, and
then slopss tor eighteen Inches to th
earthwork baas. Drainage through cuts la
provided by aid ditches, triangular in sec
tion; thre feet wide at the top and twelve
Inches deep, located one foot from the edge
ct th ballast.
(To be Continued.)
Bridget Donahoe, 2207 North Sixteenth S
Andrew E, Dodd. 1623 North Twenty-third St...,
Earl S. Eeelln, 2110 Lake St ,
Mabel M. Etchlson. 2817 South Thirty-third St..,
William Flynn, 2328 South Fifteenth St St Patrick 1903
Reta Flsk, 1111 Dominion St Edward Rosewater.1900
Catherine Goss, 124 North Thirty-first Ave Farnam 1900
Ruth Gifford, 2814 North Thirty-first St Howard Kennedy. . 1904
Etta Grossman, 1417 North Seventeenth St Kellom 1901
Agnes Granlewska, 2729 South Twenty-fifth St....Im. Conception 1903
Frances D. Gordon, 3916 North Twenty-first St Lothrop 1904
Artie Hall, 1519 North Eighteenth St Kellom 1904
Clifford F. Home, 1710 North Thirty-fourth St Franklin 1903
Lily Hlllqulst, 409 North Thirty-first St Farnam '..1903
Martha Horsens, 2916 Seward St Long 1901
Harry W. Havely, 2109 South Tenth St Lincoln 1898
Kathleen Handschuh, 3128 Fort Omaha Ave Monmouth Park.. '.1898
Dorothy Johnson, 3723 North Twentieth St Lothrop 1902
Milly Johnson, 4619 Chicago St Saunders 1897
Melrose Kaufman, 1401 North Twenty-fifth St Long 1906'
Helen Kochanowsk.1, 2820 Walnut St ,1m. Conception. ... 1903
Jennie Llclite, 1823 North Twenty-fourth St Long 1906
Frances Lewis, 4716 North Nineteenth St Saratoga 1904
Myra Mumry, 4735 North Thirty-ninth St High 189S
Max Munson, 2444 Pratt St Lothrop 1897
Howard Moss, 2811 Castellar St Windsor 1906
Victor Meyers, 3340 South Nineteenth 8t. '.Vinton 1901
John La Montla, 1323 South Twelfth St St. Phllomena 1898
Alice M. Naugle, 3311 Fowler Ave Monmouth Park.. .1801
Anna Petersen. 2908 Lake St..... .Howard Kennedy.. 1894
Ethel L. Rotter, 5909 Fort St Sherman 1906
Jessie Feck. 2707 Brown St Saratoga ikbq
Florence Rlngle, 2405 Davenport St... .....Central 1906
Esther K. Robinson, 2003 North Forty-fifth St Walnut Hill. .....1906
Harold Saulter, 2707 South Tenth St High 1896
Helen E. Stowitts, Clarinda, 2130 Farnam St Farnam 1898
George Sltera, 1117 Dominion St Edward Rosewater.1902
Max 1 Schlager, 3820 Parker St. .. , .......... Franklin 1904
Joseph Szabo. 821 North Twentieth fit Cass ......1903
Grace Spellman, 2230 Ohio St Lake 1897
Ramona Van Murgh, 3036 Curtis Ave Miller Park." !! .1902
r
Keep Out of Range
Kmu wuiroat, 1722 South Seventeenth St High .
Hiram White, 31314 North Fifteenth St Cass .,
Edward Weideman, 8017 South Ninth St Vinton
Arthur Weltz, 2306 North Twenty-first St Lake .
Nellie Woodi 2611 South Thirty-second St High '.
....1893
... .1903
1896
.....1899
.1894
Willie Wintroub, 2212 Cass St Central 1900
Clarence Wooldridge, 3227 California St Webster 1902
Ralph Zimmerman, 111 North Twenty-fifth St High 1892
Tabloid History of the Presidents
There lived and preached for many years
In Rhode Island Elder George Champlln,
a colored man, possessed of much com
mon sense, knowledge of bis brethren's
virtues and fallings, and considerable wit.
He had many devoted admirers among
his own people, but some of them felt that
his sermons were apt to be a little too
personal and pointed. One gentle sister
was asked to remonstrate with him, and
essayed to do so.
"Bister Lou Campton." said the elder
firmly when she had made her plea, "when
I am preaching I shoot right at de devil,
and It'a only when .somebody gets between
me and de mark dat he's liable to be
hurt."
War means hard tack for all soldiers
snd hard taxes for all cltlsens.
Lorettas Looking Glass-Held Up to the Woman With the Hat
J
Third In the list of presidents tuandu
Thomas Jefferson, who figured during the
early days of the first admlniMtratton as
Washington's secretary of state. It was
he who had proposed our preHent system
of dollars and cents, with dimes, halt
dimes and a gold coin of $10 with sub
divisions such aa we have now.
In May, 1785. John Jay had given
him the commission appointing him
Sole minister plenipotentiary to Krance,
succeeding Benjamin Franklin. It was he
who penned the famous Declaration of In
dependence. An Englishman described Jefforaon at hi
Inauguration in these words:
"His dress was of plain cloth and lie
rode on horseback to the rapitol without
a single guard or servant In his train, dis
mounted without assistance and hitched
the bridle of his horse to the pallftudew."
This Is in accord with the famous Jef
fersonlan simplicity. Another phaxe of It
was shown In Jefferson's life in Krance,
where he visited the peaaants In their
homes, when he would contrive to sit on
tne bed, In order to ascertain what It was
made of and get a look Into the boiling
pot to see what was to be the family
dinner."
His two administrations, extending from
""SSSflSB
' i '
f i
r
lis
THOMAS JEITEESaH.
1S01 to 1M, comprise many Important det
velopments. The purchase of Louisiana
wan a happy result of the preeldenVs tsct
and prompt action. Ohio was admitted
Into the union, making seventeen states In
ii. liia sei-unu term was less peaceful,
but It was Jefferson's diplomacy and his
hatred or war that kept peace between
Kngland and the younger country.
(Copyright. 1011, by the N. Y. Herald Co )
I heard her at the club. And shs talked
well. But her hat was even finer than
her speech. t
The speech was sbout the economic in
dependence of women; snd the hat was
sVbut $30! At least, estimating woman na
ture rather than the component parte of
the chapeau, I figured it had taken about
such a check on her "economic Independ
ence" to buy It.
"I glory In the ere.no mlc Independence of
woman!" aha exulted. "I can make my
own money; and I can spend It! I am hot
a Slavs to sny man's Ideas ef soonomy. I
earned ths money and bought and paid for
this hat I"
It was becoming. She did look pretty as
she radiated her triumph.
When she had finished and subsided
gracefully Into tha seat of honor, the pres
ident made the announcement that ths
speaker would be glad to answer questions.
That hat fixed my attention with the
grip of ths ancient mariner's baleful ays.
I sidled up and inspected it at short range.
It was helmet shaped. Five dollars was
ths moat it should have cost and that
would not have been paying at sweatshop
rates, either. It was not worth more. Two
rute wings displayed their flutteresque
dlmlnutlveness on It. Beperated from the
hat they could be bought at any depart
ment store for $1.M. But, being a woman,
I knew that they might have taken the
price-soaring when they perched on the
frsme. And a queer little wad of corallna
velvet was stuck, like an apopleptlc mush
room chemically treated, as a place for ths
wings to sprout.
Ten dollars should have covered the
whole cost. I wondered If It did. What
about that boasted economlo Independence T
Waa she more sane than some others of
us who earn our livings? Was she econ
omically Independent of the milliner t
"May I ask a question?" I ventured.
The president looked uneasy. She knew
that question time was ths faas center ef
clubdom. But shs bowed consent.
"How much did the speaker pay for her
hat?"
Ths club members forgot that tea was
late. The speaker wore a determined-to-be-pleasant-even-to-lm
pert lnent-prons ex
pression. "Thirty dollars It is a Paris hat. And
I earned the money!"
A chorus of nods that said silently:
"Now, will you be good?" came meward.
I was. I waa satisfied. She was Just like
the rest of us. She tslked with a loud
noise about economic independence Just
because she could earn money. But she
was no mors Independent of her milliner
than we. Don't we talk smartly, though!
Why, a man would think himself a slave
If be could be bamboosled Into giving $30
for a $1A hat. He pays $ or $8 and haa
two. Wo pay oh! mercy! let's not talk
about bow much or how many! And let's
lsara ths A B C of this euonomlo lnds
peodencs business before we go m for ora
torical celebrations that tnaks us ridiouloos
to thinkers.
Abe Martin's Views
J
A feller kin fall at ever thing an' still
be a good pool player.
Seems like th' feller that wlna two er
three dollars plavin' cards never wanta t'
work ag in.
Lafe Bud has resigned his Job at th'
sawmill 'cause it took too much o his
time.
The more important a feller gits around
a concern th' easier It seems t' git along
while he la on a vacation.
A feller kin have a swelled head an' still
wear a number six hat.
IjOtS o' folks git credit fer ravin' a
strong will power when the'r only pig
headed. Komethln's wrong somewhere when a
feller can't have as much as he could
when he wus out n' work
Th' feller that argues with himself alius
gits th' beet o' It
A friend that hain't In need la s friend
Indeed.
Th' feller that don't advertise may know
his bualnees, but nobody else does.
Boys will be boys, an' so will lots o' ole
men.
Ttlford Moots wus exhlbltln' a wooden
chain at th' pustoffioe ylstsrday that
showed consid'sbls genius. He Jlst farved
It out with a penknife Monday niornln"
while his wife wux ploughtn'.
A word f th' wise Is unnecessary Abe
Martin In Buaineas.
Australian wit.
Breathless Cutitomer (Jive me
mouse trapquickly pltase; I
cutcb a train Sydney Bulletin.
a penny
want to
J , v .
- ' jV
. fT -w p : ', - :
wi t M
ARTHUR IWTRDKTTE BI.ACK.
Isoith Twenty-third btretu
