1 UN- TIIK BEE: OMAHA. MONDAY, AUGUST 1, 1010. KE'SIHOM HUMOUR Brightside and His Boy " 'Thome Human AUrm Things You Vant to Know Political Cam ignlng. Clocks," ThHr Latest Tabloid Sketch. -.J ! far X IS. t V V M V v. : BT LAFAYETTE PARKS. . "Here's a man who writes a letter to the paper saying that he never need an alarm clock to tort wake him up In the morning to get o work, on time." begins Brlghtslda ai Sorr" lounge laslly In the Morris chair, gating sleepily through circling amoke ring. "I'll bet he can't tell that to hl. bona and get away with It," comments Bon on the rare phenomenon of punctuality. "Ho says ha rise all the way from three to four In the morning, up to eight o'clock." Father continue, "and alwaya arrives at tha .appointed, time, .without using a clock or being called." "The ' only oalls ho gets aro probably from the . man whQ pays him his salary," rap Son- who appears to be sceptical of tho letter Writer' gift. "I love to hear these human alarm clocks tell all about how they, wake up morning after morn Ing, never stubbing their toe from one year'a fend to another. We have In our office one or two of that brand." "t have caught trains . at early hours when staying at '.hotels, without having an alarm, clock,", relates Father. "And : I'va missed m," narrates Bon, "after kfeptng awake half tha night to look at Miy watch, and then falling asleep at the -Switch when. I ought to hava been beating Jt for the station." "This mentai alertness seem to be a peculiar ability given only to a few," sur mises Father, i v. 'Most of tha chaps I know anything f about can't be pried out of their beds to get to work 'on time with a dosen alarm clocks hitting up the cbantecler chorus all over the room," declares Son. "When the 'ingle fellow In our office com down late, they alwaya spring that old gag about the alarm clock not , going ; off. The married one blame . their wive for forgetting to call thenVi-' "Women. really aeem to have the knack of puking up at a given time much easier than men(''says Father, v "Tha married dame who hava ralaed five -or a)x kids don't need any alarm clooks or time bombs to tell 'em when to get up," Son believes. -'"Between the fif teen-minute. Interval .'trips for ..soothing syrup and paregoric that they make every night, wlfle' baa to aleep with on eye open. She get tha habit before the last kid get old enough Co wait- on himself, and she hasn't any. more use' for an alarm clock than the average hired man down on the ol4.farm.tr) ' '.;.. . . .. x .... , , A Little Care, Paint and Varnish v Will Keep Up Porch Furniture Porch, furniture. I expected to stand a very-great deal of rough wear, and, 'gen erally speaking;, It' does pretty well.'. At the same time it gets shabby looking, of coarse, while it-may really be kept in good condition by exercising a moderate amount of care.- . : s ' At th outset, perhapa, I should say, for the benefit of 'those- who have not yet tried ,lt 'that If you are. going to paint or varnish shabby chairs or other article of veranda furnishing, do so when they are put away In the fall, and give them all winter In, which to .get dry. Mful people give tha coating In the spring or early summer and when the first warm, humid days come paint and varnish seem to give,,' with the result that gowns' are of ten i ruined, or, at all events, Injured a good deal.-- ' ' The paint and varnish not only improve the appearance, but also the wear ot porch, furniture, -i but the renovating must not be left too long. ; . . Tha kinds of furniture ot outdoor use In summer Include willow, wicker, prairie grass and the different varieties of cane. Again, quit a good deal of wooden fur niture! on the order of mission In very light weight is used out of. door nowadays. . It certainly is very substantial and restful looking,'-too-, whether in the wocd browns or dull -forest greens, while th addition of cushion covered with gay colors make up Amost attractive whole. To keep mission wood In good order Is very Uttla trouble. True, It ahows every speck of dust, but In these days of dust less dusters th furniture may be kept free by having on of these convenience on hand. If tun or rain bas created ravages the , application of a well oiled rag will usually ), restore the wood to it original condition, allowing the oil to sink In and then rubbing with a-clean rag. Should th wood become actually dirty front Just general use, soap and water may be appll"' with excellent results. When dry tha furniture la ready for the olUng. Chair and tables manufactured from prairie grass and known a crex furniture, are very attractive, but it has a great way of catching th dust. A stiff brush will dislodge it In the crevices and a damp . cloth., la better fur removing It when brought to tha surface. - Th' part of chairs under th sents and th lower parts of tables catch and also retain tho dust very easily, so that every day. Is none too often to give attention to th dusting. ' , - The' finish applied to th crex furniture ia exceedingly durable and if kept free from dust will last-almost Indefinitely.' Willow furniture, though not to sub stantlal as the crex, requires very llttlo dal)y, 1 care, buf when it begins, In fact, befor It begins, to lock a little dark and soiled, each article should b thoroughly washed in a solution of salt and wator, TIIE DIFFERENCE. 'Don't you think married Ufa rhtfuli be ona long honeymoon?" . Yt although it is often a aerie tf abort ncil " v fE GETS A STRANGLE. HOLD CN IT WHEN IT STARTS TO RJXICr. "I like to see an employe arrive at tha office promptly every morning," Father says approvingly. "If you worked in our office you'd have to get a telescope to do that," criticises Bop. "If any of 'em own an alarm clock, they get a atrangle hold on It when it starts to ring, smother It under tha mat tress and then go back and finish their nap." "That Just one more nap Is very alluring in " tha early morning hours," excuses Father. "That's the reason more of 'em take It. I suppose," Bon suggests. "It wouldn't be so bad If they'd only think up some' new excuse to spring on tha boss when they land anywhere from one to two hours late. A chap will come in, puffing like a por poise racing with an ocean liner, to make his bluff aeem real, and then lay the blame on a little aixty-cent alarm clock. He tella the man whose business it Is to growl at lata comers that it never happened before. What hit me as 'a Joke is that they get away with it and don't get fired." "When I waa a boy," says Father, "it used to be a matter of pride to get to the office fifteen minutes before the time to go to work. My mother always called me in plenty of time." "If anybody arrived In our office ahead of time, I'm willing to lay odds of two to ona that tha boss would drop dead from heart failure," assert Son. "As I don't want him to cash in before I get my vaca tion, I guess I won't spring It on him." (Copyright. 1910, by the N. Y. Herald Co.) used hot. In tha proportion of a handful of salt to a pall of water. . Afterwards, rinse in lukewarm water to remove. all trace of tha salt. then, leavo In - the aim in n, Unless the salt is thoroughly washed off. u win -give - in aamp weather, and will not only make the chair unoomfnrtahl. but tha salt will attract and hold every particle of dust that may be flying around. These may seem very trivial details, but it Is easy to clean furniture and in the end find the "last state worse than the first" Tha can seats of chairs are apt to sag with constant use, and for tightening pur poses there Is nothing better than the ap plication of plenty of hot "water the' hot ter th better. Th chairs should be turned bottom upwards and th water applied from th under part of the seat, back or foot rt a required. Salt and water win freshen th cane work, as- well a It doe the willow ware. The splint wood chair can be washed with soap and warm water safely, and, after a good drying In the sun, will be seen to have greatly Im proved. Tha framea for chairs for outdoor use are of only simple woods, and ao may be washed off with lukewarm water and a good white soap, which will keen them In good condition. The plain, unstained woods are' not ao easily kept clean a those that are varnished. ' ELIZABETH LEE. The Gentle Cynic Th world wouldn't be so full of klckara II w all had wooden legs. There are alwaya two side to a but It never occurs to a bore to turn some of his. The average person Is imbued with tha ambition to create something, even if It's only a sensation. No man Is really a fool unless he can be fooled th same way twice. uont despise an humble beginning. To master the violin It Is necessary to play second riddle first. A good motto tor the fellow who trie to pica the winners Is, if at first you don' succeed, don't try again. Little By Visit Grtidmi. Dear Qod, I'm going ter- a trip, Please 'acuse me from my prayer, 'Cause m an' pa and' mamma, too, la flvin' tA kar. Ther ain't no lgn, "Keep off the grass" vu iii y Mra.no ma ilOwe s ; An' where they don't have wagon milk But milk it from th cows. I'll have such lots an' lots ter do A-wadln' in tha hrank An' rollln' down th haystacks when My mamma doesn't look An' rklln' horses with the men When they go down ter drink: ('11 be so busy with it all 'At I enn't hardly think. There's Jimmy Brown, ha never prays An' he ain't good a bit lit gres a-swlmmln' Sundays, Qod, An ne ami arowneu yit; But I have said my "lay me" when I was so dead with sleep I mixed "the power an' glory" In Along with "soul to keep." 'Sides, Gran'pa How ia awful good Th morning' prayer ter ay. Will Oran'nia tlptoea 'roun' so anft Ter shoo th hen away. An' ae 'at breakfast doesn't bunt. While Uran'pa plalna ter you About them "sparks 'at up'ard fly" An' tell. yea what ter d. Dear fled, plea let the ftmbly pray'r ft all I have ter pray Thre ain't no danaer ner n harm The place where me all atav; But when Jack Fro' eorne ntppln' to. An' w go back tr town. I'll need you then the wunsest way An' say my "lay me down." K. Maria Talbot In IJppincott's. J umv niKt av .,. I """ePfl vtcu Nftiirfcawavou, yMM vwy ,evwy aoui. ! vs, out tcu. m&,am Rw- MfeVf TOO. PVOACvJI CyC "TO TA(Cr VirTH , 7MH ' X Hy VkY,-T&o - That's, ' fcVTOiX. vtwwif i ' ' 1 r ; I WHATd , tTi OH 1 t Weu. qOODl4Hr . CAAtT HEUP TVMAiKIAiCk Stou'tlt CROOKED IB THAT COPYRISHT. Wia IV.THE SATURDAY I certainly hav been hav ing the most mlxed-up kind of a time. Mother told me she wanted me to go to town and do a little shopping and spend th night with Aunt Harriet,, who had co.ne to the city for two day and wanted me to take her to my dressmaker, and a few other thing like that She waa going to stay at the Margaret Wlfflngton, a hotel where they never allow any men. The whole thing sounded very dull to me, es pecially the hotel. If aunt wa very wealthy, the way she would have been in a book, and I waa her helres or something Ilk that, or sh was In the habit of handing ma Paquln gowns sh had only worn once, Ilk an aunt of Gertrude Simpson' (and they're simply wasted on Gertrude), why, I would Joy fully do anything in the companion line for her. But she's Just well enough off never to hand out a thing bat lectures. However, I travelled up to town to meet her at the Wlfflngton. Tom and Godfrey happened to both have engagements in the city that week, so I told thvm to call me up there. I supposed they allowed men to talk through the telephone. After I'd waited an hour for her I got a message written on a ple'e of paper say- "I HOPE I LOOKED THE PART." Ing she couldn't stay In town that night and I waa to go back that afternoon and sh' writ and explain. I was delighted, and decided to stay myself. Ot course, it A" Items of A woman who 1 careful for her fine handkerchiefs never allows them to go through th regular wash, but will prefer t launder them herself. Sh first soaks them in a good snap suds, thea washes them carefully by . squeezing through th hand. After rinsing In sev eral waters they ar allowed U b in milk for a thert time, adding ar net a few drep f a ftverit prfum. Th handkerchiefs ar then taketj from ' the asllk bath androlled in a clean towel. When nearly dry they should b ironed. The milk is a substitute for starch. What do you includo when you think of housekeeping? If you take it to mean W HUtWW? arrrirxa watt - STRAtCKT ?l TnO DlUtACED NEWTORK CVEHIna TELEGRAM (NEW YORK HERALD COJ. AI RighU Reserved. ecmiurr. ma iy the hew ycrx rnti nutwui war mi nun m a mm i wa perfectly proper, and yet it seemed quite devilish to stay alone at a hotel. I felt like k regular adventuress, in a way. I engaged a room. Suoh a nice old man "I WAITED AN HOUR FOR HER. " at the desk, he beamed on me ilk a father, I find they allow men on the first floor, but never above that. They let porter come upstairs, though. I feaw quite a good-looking on wheeling trunks on my floor. Tom 'phoned about half past 4 and said he'd take me for a run in his new car. Ha loked awfully foolish as I came down the hall. He actually .bad met two men he knew, and I distinctly heard lilm say, apologetically, he had come to see an aunt who waa staying there. I came along Just then and I hope I looked the part. One of them smiled In such . an : attractive way It was fun at dinner. They allow men in the restaurant. All the waitresses are quite middle-aged and sort nt hope loss looking; I guess they don't make much on tips. Godfrey called up after dinner. Here It where the tragedy happened. I' thought It would be ir.orn tactful not to mention to Tom that I Intended seeing Godfrey when I was In town, and I didn't think it any use to tell Godfrey I was going to see Tom. Jt seemed nicer and kinder to let each one think they were the only one. But when ever I try to be kind it seems to turn out Interest to the Vomen Folk merely th work of th hoiso which could be accomplished by a hired servant, then perhaps It does not matter that you should miss such things as opportunity, for thought, daily reading, etc., taya Hem Notes. 1 But if yeu make housekeeping mean home-making and home-keeping, th formation of a hem lata a canter for th lif ef a seul and spirit at wU as f th body, thea yeu must .eultlvat your mind, net keep it always to Ik leva! f th mundan thing ef lif. A a guld t housekeeper wk kav ld carpet to bu woven into rug it will take four pounds of Brusnel carpet or .three running yards to make a door mat xe A PRUT AuCWMr! IM AMO bOUMb , ANC MOSTW OH TUB l.tHt IVC UtT MW PLATE., Me JEVXCL. . AMD t CA AE.rmfc.1L, HICK , SofJ, cun&c OuT WHAT a TKt XISB. ? IT MCMT ' bl woase, wrong. A lovely bunch of violets came that' evening, and as Tom alwaya used to send them to me I naturally thought li'd gent these. . It's a mean trick when a man doesn't enclose a" card. ' When the telephone rang I would have sworn It was Tom a voice that said helio, and I . said: "Tom, darling (Tom would have known that didn't mean anything when I aaid it), your violets are perfectly lovely." I've got some white hairs that 1 know came right away when I heard God frey' voice say In a suppressed sort of tone: "I'm afraid you've made a mistake." Well, It was most annoying. I talked an awful lot, In the beat way I could, which waa pretty convincing, considering I had no time to think up anything. He might have ' sympathised with me. Did he think I wanted to display such lamentable stu pidity?. But men ar ao utterly selfish. The only really nice man I've seen in town Is the porter that wheels the trunks along th ppstalra hall of th Margaret W. H Is o good-looking. I should think all the old ladies would bo quite thrilled at the "I'M AFRAID MIS thought of such an attractive-looking man being upstairs. I'm afraid it's going to take a long time to become friends with Godfrey again. rug, measuring on foot six Inches by two feet six Inches, and cost tl for reweavlng A hearth rug, two feet six Inches by flv feet, will take twelv pounds f Drutasls r ten pound! ef ingrain tar pet; price I! far i weaving. A smaller rug fer placing kefer tk Vu resu takes eight pounds f carpet r six running yards. This will b rwva fr aw. A rug measuring six feet by aino fet will require forty-eight yards f Bruisols r forty-two of Ingrain, averaging about thlrt.v-stx yards. This will cost ft! for re weaving. I; YOU'VH MADE A TAKE." Th Key to th Situation Be Want Ads. A political campaign In Great Britain Is shorter, mora Intense, less complicated and very much more Interesting In It spectac ular features than similar contests In the United States. Political Issue ar com plicated when one party Insists that one thing Is paramount, and th other Is equ ally certain that something else must be done to save tho country. But the issues always aro national, and never are com plicated by the introduction of extraneous local problems. Nationally, Great Britain settle all its political affair In th par liamentary election. Americans choose a college of elector to select their chief ex ecutive; they elect" a house of representa tives by direct ballot; they choose the mem bers of tha stat legislature, who in turn will send some man to the United State senate; and In each one of these thro elections different problems are presented, and different men attempt to solve them In different ways. To this ia added th con fusion of county and city politics, with the result that the voters In the United States do not wield nearly o much power aa trios of Great Britain. Because ot the superior power of the British voter, tho individual elector Is given mora consideration by British poli ticals than Is the American citizen. For that reason what Is a"campalgn" In the United States Is a "canvas" In England. The parliamentary candidates must inter view personally as many voters aa possible. while member ot his family and his friends, especially women, must see th on he cannot reach, Th house-to-house canvas is a feature ot both urban and rural politics. Take , for instance the case of Mr. John Burns, tha labor member ot the Asqulth cabinet In tha January campaign he was expected not only to contribute his share of work as a member of tha cabinet to the national liberal campaign, but he also had to make hi house-to-house canvas of Bat- tersea, ' tha London constituency which often has returned him to Parliament. It waa in Battersea that young Burn started out in life a a factory' worker, and he still Uvea among his own people and apparently Is not apoiled by his comparatively large salary of flO.OOO a year. It was physically Impossible for him to see all of the voters of his constituency,' but he went from house to house, and from street to street, and per sonally asked for tha vote of th majority of the electors in the division. In addition to this, he made speeches every night dur ing th last week of the campaign. The significance of all this I that, al though a member of tha cabinet and one of the most prominent political leaders of the country, he had no political organisa tion upon which he could depend for the active electioneering in his home district. Party caucuses may select candidate In England, but there I no machinery for getting put the vote except the traditional canvass which must be undertaken by, each aspirant ; personally. ' ' When the day of election arrive, each voter Is given the privilege of choosing be tween two candidate for Parliament In exceptional cases there may be three or four but he is not called upon to express his choice at th same time for sheriff, court clerk, or coroner. There is no op portunity to swap off the head ' of the ticket for th benefit of the tall. This In Itself obviate complication and cor ruptions all too common In America, The Englishman's sportsmanlike notions ot fair play prevent attempts at ballot-box stuffing and false counting. These are forms of corruption never known to any grtat extent In England, and certainly not tine tha introduction of the ballot system of voting. In the corrupt days of British politics bribery and Intimidation were re sorted to as the. means of corrupting the electorate. Tha stringent, corrupt practices act of 1883, with Its amendments, has put an end to bribery of all sorts, and to in timidation, except that subtle and Intangi ble coerolng which an employer or a land lord may be able to use. A candidate for Parliament Is held to be repsonslble per sonally for th conduct of his political cam paign, every supporter is regarded in th eyes ot the law aa an agent ot the can didate, and tha principal 1 responsible for the acts of his agents. Again, taking' the case of Mr. Burns, It Is Interesting to note that his strenuous house-to-house canvass, and his arduous speaking campaign, followed by his tri umphant election, would have profited him nothing if any one of his supporters should have so much as purchased a glass of beer with tha intent to Influence a voter In his behalf. It would have made no difference whether Mr. Burn knew of the purchase of Recipes for Amateur Cooks , Eggs la Asple Jelly. These are a very popular summer dish and. not at all difficult to prepare.' Th aspic Jelly 1 simply meat Jelly, beet, veal, or chicken seasoned highly with salt, pep per, celery salt and lemon ulc and thick ened with gelatine. For egg or chicken, veal or chicken stock are used. For tongue or other dark meats, beef stock Is required. The stock is seasoned with vegetables, pep per corn and cloves during ita cooking. Then It la strained and to every two quant of the atock a box of golatlne that haa been softened In cold water Is added, together with the whites and shells of two eggs. Then It i boiled hard a few moment until the eggs hav entangled the floating par ticles ot scum. Then strain through a cloth. If not perfectly clear, repeat the straining, Add the lemon Julc and pour Into an oblong granite pan Just enough of th liquid to cover the bottom and let it etlf fen. "When cold, poach a dosen eggs one by on in rapidly boiling salted water to which a tablesoonful ot vinegar ha ben added. To da thl In th French way, which wrap the whit round the yolk Ilk a cocoon, give the water a hard stir, befor dropping In tha egg. Thl give It a rotary motion. Now drop the egg in carefully at the center ot th greatest ebul lition, and after a moment' revolving lift the pan to th back of th atov for the egg to cook through. Repeat thla process until all ar cooked. Now arrange the tlf femd aspic, an inch or two apart, and turn th rest of tha asple whleh haa been kept ver warm water te prevent its stiffening vr tk egg. Th a hoi layr theuld be abeut twa lnka la daptk. When th Jslly ktrdsas. It la eut ia .ur r round with aa gg la th canter f each, an! 1 srvd en lettuce leave wtth a garnlih of ptmen tee. Mal4d Chicken. Cut up a four pound chicken and put la a tewpan with two allcea each carrot and onion, two stalk celery or a teaapoonful celery anlt, two eprlga parsley, a bay leaf the beer or not, or whether he ver had seen his enthusiastic partisan In all,, his life. The penalty would have been th same, and Mr. Burn would hav lost hi seat After th recent election, In which th liberal party waa returned to power by th narrow margins, only two members re turned were unseated on account of elec tion irregularities. They were both liberals, and their votes were sorely needed by th government. Both were unseated for acts of their agents, and th election court ex pressly exculpated both of them from any knowledge of, or participation In, corrupt or Illegal practice. But the penalty wa visited upon them Just th same. A candidate may hot have the us of a brass band; he may not furnish distinctive badges to his followers; he may not swing a banner across the street, or from a build ing, although he may make the freeest po ible posters. He must not treat, aino a campaign cigar or an electioneering glass of beer will deprive him of the right to U" In Parliament. He may not us ' hired vehicles to transport voters to tke polls, although he may use aa many private car-' rlagea and motors as his friend will glv to him. On ot th men unseated after th' last election waa found rullty, on account of the act of an agnt, of furnishing hired motor cars to take Voters to the polls. The other committed the heinous often of furnishing lunch to a party of miner who had come down to cast their votes. That politics may have nothing whatever to do with the hearings and Judgments on lection cases, the court hav the power In the premises to unseat elected member of Parliament upon petition and proof of cor rupt or illegal , practices, . . Therefor th spectacle of unseating minority member for the express purpose of strengthening the majority, more than once witnessed In the United States house of representa tives, would be impossible In England. Each candidate must appoint an election agent, who Is th manager of hi campaign and through whom all campaign expense must be paid. The amount of the expense Is limited by law on a graduated acal in proportion to th number ot registered vot ers, and complete publicity In detail must be given Immediately after . the election. The law Is particularly atrlot in th matter of limiting campaign expenditure, both aa to amount and purposes, but because the candidate pay for holding tha election, the actual expense is on an averag higher than in congressional campaign In America. The purity of a .British polltloal - cam paign Is due in large part' to the whole-, some fear of the penalties of th corrupt practice act. Candidate and their friend Pftn.tlntlv warn thafii f r 1 1 n or a tm .tna( m n wa act which might be construed aa a viola tion of the law. Respectable candidate never wink at questionable , procedure on the part of their supporters, as sometimes happens In America. The law Is so stringent, and 1 enforced so relentlessly, .o .u.rv man. if to ho.tvAr Bart v or fkosl-' tlon, '-must respect It. ' '" ' ' H Is an old contradiction, ' but It Is a fact' that his straight-laced system some times actually work to th disadvantage' of popular government. This is exemplified In the matter of furnishing free trans portation t6 voters. ' Sine motor car hava become common, the conservative candi date always has a great number of ma chines at his disposal, because people who can afford motor car usually, are torles. Th liberal candidate la prevented by law from hiring publlo conveyances, and there fore the liberal voter must walk, whll tho torlea ride. A ther conservatives also hav th vast .majority of plural, voter on their side, and aa th free motor car enable property owners to flit from on polling place to another, the ' automobll queation bids fair to become a serious prob lem In political campaigning especially for tha radical. Th electoral system In England need reforming. Th property qualification for suffrage work a great Injustice in that they give some men many votes whll de priving other men of any vote. In thl respect th system I far Inferior to that of the United States. But, on account of the simpler and purer methods of cam paigning, It I demonstrated in actual prac tice that the bad British - system, safe guarded by enforced and enforcible laws, Is better than th Ideal American system, corrupted by . questionable campaign methods and campaign managers who fear neither the law nor the Lord. ' A ' BT TBESESIO f. HASKXtT. ' Tomorrow The British Oris la. iJCXTXZl TarUi la Tramp. and a half teaspoontul peppercorn. Cook slowly until, th meat fail from the bone. Cool In the wator In which th -chicken ia cooked. Remove, chop fin, . add three fourths cupful chicken stock and a tea spoonful gelatin softened and dissolved In a little boiling water. Pack in small moulds, chill, cut in slice and arrang or a platter with a garnish of lemon Jelly. Th Summer Girl ' ln ,,,.rnr -',! TWllt Jh flWS And little say in praise. Yet we should Ilk them well because Ot their engaging ways. T. E. II AFFECTION. 'What wm Ulmer'g ex cuts tot earning hoove that way ... "Told his wife he thought a much of her he wanted to act hef double."