C!ev rn S I tny-
In t . "1 n h thing
'hi' T'! t.rV.f Jon
wr.'iM m t think f
ur t (1 t orr,- -"W.
The Top o the Morn in
'$ PF. ft.JVesbit,
THE PERT THING.
hmjLi- mmm wiM
"There goes that Miss Sizzerl Horrid, Impudent
young thing! I heard that she said you and I didn't
have waist lines that we had horizons I"
ji Uemperance Lesson.
" I toll you." said Urn man with tin- pale whiskers and tlx elevated eyebrows, "the
drink evil Is something terrible. I shudder when I contemplate ll."
" It s pretty had," conoid' d the m m with the red n
" l.ok at the terrible effect? of it. Why, I am Riven to understand that if it nad
not bei-n for the drinkii g habits of some person of the name of .. msky the awful war
In the far east might never have happened, or something to that effect."
"Zi'insky? Who ti Hi' dick, lis Is 7.. msky?"
" Why, haven't you read that if they eould only got Zomsky sober In Russia "
l!ut the red nosed man arose and walked swiftly but determinedly toward a door
way which was Hanked with brass signs.
il jfln Alphabet of Itlotlocs If
SiiS ys'&
......... " : ......
'..; : ;,-.. i : .... ;.-!; i i,.ovv' t ; " ."... "..'-..'.
-
6 sure tbe other fcl M
W low is all right tben 1
get ahead of him i
Can't Please Them.
Mr. ( ). t Jit.uvd. wl.o.-i family
1. i I" n aay f-T tr.. ummi r. Is
n in li W"tri..l Last umitn r. !..!
lis wife and ol.ihlr.n were n ! lit .
he s'.ii.l downtown if en ninps in,.l
took his tin als wl tr. vir he l.ap
pr.Ml to In, simply t. save tune.
A:. d all the nc-lfchh. r .-..id It w.t-.
r rfntly Awful tl.- Way the Mir.
W.11 1' rryine On
S'i ll.N t uiiirru r hi sp. r.t i aeh rven
iun ..1'i.e .1 ml k1 'oir. ily upon his f n nt
jonh. and k pt the maid en duty
tn em k his in. .. Is . w hieh l.e also ate
ai T.i .ii:d yl iomlly. Now the ruinl:
b r say l.e did this simply to 1"i -11
:Vi T!.( m.
Mr ( ' U dltiKiil says he doisi.-t
know what on arth to do next
Fummi r.
A Hasty Correction.
I'l.li ? It is 1 vi - rlasthtnly too late,
we 1.1 n to em ne t .1 mistake w e made
ir. our last Issue. Tl.i ai.-wirs to
lUnrUs ed.tor was on 1:1s vacation,
ai d we. hum if, did his work lor
!,.m, ar.d. in the rush of k pii.R one
i y on the pi ace confi ri nee down In
Maine and the otht r on tin life Insurant-
fuss, we mix-d two anrwers
"I'-ruub-d" wr-te to ask what
would rid her
pantry of red
ants, and
" Dai.-y " ak(.l
us to advisi- her
as to t he m- rits
of three ynuiiK
men who hiid
propos- d to lo r,
and tell her how
to dismiss the
ur.favend two.
It may be n -numbered
that
wo told " P-rturlud."
who askul about the
red ants, to listen to
the dktatis of lur
hrart. and at the
same time to make
what discreet In
quiries she mlnht as
to tin- habits of the
Individuals she asked
Bbout; that, afti r
eomlntr to a decision.
Fhe should invite the
reject- d oni s to call
on hi r some eVetilns,
and break the new s to
them ftently, and Fay
that she would al
ways be a sister to
them. " Daisy." who
w anted her bonus un
tar.Kh d, w as told to
sprlnkb red pepper in
tin ir favorite haunts,
and also to place a
bowl nf lard wh- re
thry would fall lr,t
it. Then In the morn
lnT to shake them Into
the tire, and they
never would bother
hi r ncain. If Daisy
w ill act upon our ad
vice to rerturbed,
and rerturbed will
consider the answer
to Daisy as meant for
her, all may yet bo
well.
Little Henry's Slate.
r -XKxMi, ,SK',m ;
',J zzzdJ
An
WHAT BOTHERED HIM.
" Silas." s aid tlie (.-ro- er. " y m've In - tt kei pin entn
puny with Siry Ann ilreenfor niuh ot to (ift-i-n yi ns
h.i vi n't you '.'"
"Sixtein ye. us eottie nixt hay harvest." Silas x-pluino-l.
" W ell, that a i: 1 lonif w 1 1 i I . . He. ins to tup a
courtship hke Ih it 1 ad oiiKlit to i ai! pretty soon "
" I've ot'lin iholilit so. but SOII1-' W.lV I tie or -'ail
p. t up t lie i ' II I t, ,
T- pt.ip.e-. '.' W hy. It's ias as f.illin' off a .k "
" Not to piopoe tn stop K ,in' w ith her "
If you r. fuse to talk shop, some folks will think
you are a hutu-lar
Estimate.
Our fr.it.i. tl. . . xp. r: mitt. tn-
tici.m. sit- w,:! i i!' in y i;i' f r
si n-.i n : , tt. t i -. ,u.-I !:--m tin- to
t .tlx tall. i -etiv ; 1 ,i u hi Vr
crs A; list he n d. lis I,. al ar.d
1 ks up.
" W! it b it ?" w . k. h-.. w ii k
: ' a '. 1 i las . 1- e c na ti - nurd -u
tictirit.c 1 : some Vt. r . r.
" I t . ja-t i ah u: ; .1." la sa,
" th.it if t!.. r. 1. ol b. - t. a much
d.ccirc d 'fa - n tl I'. in. nr. i raral
tl r. 1 is b. r. t .Ik'rc.h n. ..b at
i w i ntt! 1 l.a i ut e w : Id
siua;. :r. two i- i'l te.al.'.l. a: il ! avo
- iwad a Kap ooooti;:l- I '! it at'il
b'.iioo milis iKip in tin hiarl of
na "
Touched.
Tl.. niiti' nt laniM is siniply mak
Ir.n t h- k yb.-.ird :! with the v io-I-nee
ot his :ir. t .-nr. wl r a fat
man it. i r-.u si.a is nsk-il by his
ruU-l.b. r:
" Ila--. t la a wot d-rful ' itch""
" W. r-1. rftil?" ;. -t.- th- fa' man.
" Vi..l- rful .i.-n't 1-- nin to 1. 11 it.
Y I . I ;in- up:! f - r 111 v s. a-. ar.d
and l-i- hafr.'i plajul a blame tlit'K
that 1 t-avir. t dot tl-t mu.-ic to for
my pianola at home."
HAD THE MONEY.
5 ""T ' v 'vri"a
1
.' v .y ...... 1 i u 1 lOqC 9 hVH';
REQUIRED SPEED.
vVl-:-'- ,-;';- .'i. v V- '-v. ,'i- ii. o'. A ....... .r'r.)
"I hear that Mrs. Chargitt rau up quite a hill
at Silx & Ribbens beforo they stopped her credit."
"Rau it up? I should say. She knew she
had to go faster than a walk if she wanted to
get all she could before they demanded payment."
The Wise Woman.
Once there was a wi-i
smoke whu. vi r h eh is.
lie struck matches on the
Eventually the man b. tta
abs. ntinn hims. if from h
pine? Not any. She did i
Mhe sat down and 1 1 . nmht
of act ion.
NYxt time her
him he mustn't d.
house lnohiUK lik
she advised him I
a f tor him. a ml she
kept. Tin ll. finally
scented the curtain:
'lua n w ho in rmi t ted her
t h. h -us.-, and w ho did i
'ilw oi l. ' r d- "I i" ! ash
ila; d"W nt"W n n iLtht s a i
husband to
ot object If
n the ll, ...r.
1 . .t herw i.so
nil . Did (he w
-! ev. ti f:o and
for a moment a
nii n
tell ll
11,1 ill '
Id
re-
" 1-
abet- about It.
upon a course
husba ml si r ui k a in
that a n v in. a e that
- a barf ; ami lien
nt to do t ha t as :! w :
itil. iiil, , t h.i i 1 1 1 :;
She said lie inn.
Ill.i vMl.tted '
he ill
t.
I. a
IIKK house t . s,i ;i Mil-
So ever since 1 lien the man I
while at work, just to show In
what shall be done in that hi;
h.
iiim'l
at in.
sh .p.
tai I a
la: lie
-.- as she
11 the '
.isn't J'
op;.,
I'll!
sh
in -k.
,h.
ii,e t
- ll' s
splaf.
t home
d
h b-.th
'111. I h" I
in the
and sh
tk lie
have
n the
, l.-ani
told
lllall
floor
m 1 1
c, ait i 1,11
much
at and well
ioi.s... as it
didn't want
isly. except
say about
Hopeless Cast's.
"A highball, sir? Yes, sir. Will you have charged water, sir?"
"Charged? Well, I should say nit Look here, gassong, I've got the
good old coin of the realm to pay for every blooming tiling I order."
"Say." remarks the huuhoi'l
evamrelist who has slapped with
a little missionary work on the ct
" Alas, my f ti. ml." repl.es the
notihreakahle bis. lilts still hot w
' ' f tile V i 1 1 l ire h.
him for I w w .
loud t ha t bi mi il
e a 11 u. ! st . with the 111. in
t lim In in. "alas, tn v ft i.
Forebodings.
' Ah." slKhod the younK man. as the canoe drifted silently throimh the shadows of
the trees upon the river, "would that we might elide thus forever aloiiK the river of
life. Will you?"
"Alfred," responded the maiden fair to see, "I am deeply honored by your pro
posal, but I am afraid that your fondness for roeklriR the boat would interrupt that
glide adown the river of life before w. had sailed very far."
Makes It Worse.
"Mrs. rrckhenner Is quite ill, is she not?" asks the neighbor.
" O, no, she Isn't seriously ill at all." explains Mr. reckhenner.
" I saw her sitting at the window .and she looked so very much depressed and her
face had such an unusual expression that I feared she mlvtht be suffering itreatly."
" She is sufferiiiK. but it's this way. She sea tiled her tongue with hot coffee and tho
bulk of her suffcnni; la caused by her Inability to talk about how she scalded herself."
f THUB FRIEN D.
Th North Fole has been found. Huly timsed. labeled, and located. It Is left In Its
lonely grandeur and the explorers set their faces southward once more.
"The world will regard us as Its benefactors." declares one of the discoverers.
" More than that," asserts the loader of the expedition. " 1 am going to cinch my
fame by refusing the lecture on the dlseoverv i f the pole."
Young man, when your father says, " When I was your nge I never had half as
easy a timu us you have," ho is usually repeating what he heard when he was
your age.
Wcll, Well!
" Mrs. Whoopuppe
was telling me that
Fhe Is going to have
four of the choicist
new fall hats she tan
find; that her hus
band insists upon her
5ettlr.K them, and
that he scolds her if
she ever buys a chi ap
hat or tries to make
'last season's hat
over," remarks the
woman in the brown
tailor made suit.
" Mrs. Whoopuppe
says that, does she?"
Fniffs the woman In
the green shirt waist
and black skirt.
"W'i 11, my i xpi rlence
with Mrs. Whoopuppe
Is that she Is always
talking through hi r
hats about her hats."
A MORAL STORY.
There was Once a Vain King who noted that in one Portion of his Domain resided an
Aged but Honest Woman who owned a Turkey that could Strut in a most graceful Manner.
Now, the King, being vain, commanded the Aged Woman to bring her Turkey to the
Palace, that he might learn how to Strut Gracefully.
And in Time, the King being about as Apt a Scholar as could be Expected, he was able
to Strut even better than the Turkey.
In fact, all the People would say: "Our King is a Bird!"
So, to Celebrate the Completion of his Studies, the King had the Turkey killed and
Roasted for a Big Dinner, at which the Aged Woman was presented with a Rope of Pearls.
Moral: First get the Patent Office to Pass upon your Accomplishments.
The Case of Amos Flifgens.
When Amos Fliggens left the army, at the close of tho
civil war, he wan orderly sergeant of his company. Army
life had made him sort of a reckless, can less man, but had
given him a certain precision of carriage and speech that be
came him well. For a year or so after the war he was usually
called "Sergeant" by his friends, but along about ITo folks
commenced calling him "captain." First this was done In a
spirit of fun, as much as anything else, but ev.-ntually the
title became fixed for tho time. 1'iior ta that date Anion
Fliggens had not shown much Interest ir his future, lb
loafed most of the time about the corner cigar stores and
told tho rest of the crowd how he would have fought tho
battle of C.ettysburg.
It was In the spring of 17"i that some one called him
"major." This promotion was iinnii diatcly accepted by tho
public and Amos became " Major Fliggens." Realizing the
dignity duo to his added honors he linisln d the reading of
law and was admitted to :he bar, and as soon as he appeared
in a frock coat and silk hat he was dubbed 'colonel" and
invtt. il to address political meetings. As time w. nt on the grny
began showing in his hair and he train. -d his mustache Into a
fiercely military sweep which gave him an air of much im
portance. Naturally, he was nominated for public otllee and
successively served as m ivor of his town, member of the legis
lature, and was talked of for congress.
In 1VI he allowed sidewhisk. is to grow upon his face, and
having become stout an 1 n dfaeed. -t was natural that he
should now be called "general." His voice became gruff and
his manner domineering and no public question could be con
sidered properly settled until General Fliggens had expressed
his views concerning It.
I.ast week he died, nnd
there was an imposing mili
tary funeral, and theapers
printed long obituaries of the
gallant old warrior who had
yielded to peace at hist.
The only nason we men
tion all these points is that
we arc- ptsterid so much by
aiHice to be our natural sflvis
and thus achieve success. Hire
was Amos Fliggi ns who went
through life on a bluff and made
the bluff good. What we want to
krow is: Iid Amos Fliggens tiar
any mora! principles to fhnds?
Write on only i t. e side f t he paper
nr.d bvth sides of the question, if
you like.
For or A,alnt.
" Is this an antimacassar?"
asks the man with the ini ffi ctive
mustache, having secured for a
tiionu nt the attention of the
assembled guests
" No, Mr. Smulk." replies the
hi sti ss. smilingly, " that is not an
antimacassar."
" Tin n it must be a proma-r;if.-ir."
eoinn.i nts-the man with
tin- ineffective mustache.
Which was not alt.gtthor bud.
If he had not insisted upon going
li t., a labored explanation of the
r mark.
VAHrtX'a THE USF?
"Folks do a lot of tisi lops things,
don't they?" asks the man with
the iridescent whi.--k. rs.
" till, ss the y dr." answ e rs the
man with the undecided eye
brows. " Yep. F'rinstance. there's my
Aunt Jane. Ph.- p, rsists in going
through her wh ue list of symp
toms ovi r and over a g.i in to every -body
that calls, after she has re
covered from bir illness."
The Reason For't.
After listening to our friend's caustic remarks
about the rich, we observe;
" Ah. you dislike the wealthy simply because
they have money."
"No. sir," he asserts with some vigor. "I
don't like 'em because I haven't got any money "
poor souls have live.! at your ho
about the hereafter can have any
HE
,1 So I
t ei rot s
n that n
for them.
del to the traveling
lis. " y on might try
- wit h me."
ry of the
nd. these
can say
thing
WON.
mi bi
" And you really and truly think I .
permitting lur hand to rest in his f.-r
"Truly I do. and truly y..u are." he a
"How beautiful.'" she asks. inn. centl; .
"Why. you .ue as beautiful as your gr.
w hen y a u were a little gi 1 1 "
Fee-ling that he had ex III listed th- w
autif ill ".
Ill . I , ! i '
earn, si
she asks, coyly.
.1 in, it le r said you were
v I
PEACEFUL FOR HIM.
"Go on!" cries the helpless victim of the savage redskins.
"If you fellows think this is worrying me you are mistaken.
I am an insurance agent by profession and this is a soothing
lullaby compared to the remarks that are hurled at me when
I solicit business."
),. r la
I .."lid
I'-it Ir
a la ad
la r.
ibie
pi i. ill
ol U
supply "f
sin drops
n his i. a.ly
r oral i-i t ilea t. s
llllltlit go t igllt
llli! propose to
Yes.
They law the fortune in hit hand.
They howled at l.im : "How did yon mke it!"
They cried : "He'll take eil in the land
Take all the people'! money '." And
They talked away and let him take It,
On iking Bald.
The time we aave when baldness cornea
Through not requiring haircut! is
Oft wasted we rub in bay ruma
And tonics and such things, I w -.
Look on the br.ght sal.-. Tmn't get so ag
gravated with folks w ho ke a p t. ling y on to
look on the bright side.
Tla i e are a f.-w peo-
l-i, w la. did not . .on
I ! ,111 about the . al all
mi. im I . Tin y went
a IV I y oil pop, I" i xpl ili -
a r.s early i i. I h e
I ting.
CI
We still oor.tr r d that
Jonah's W,fe was the
m st t rusi mg w . ,man
t hat . . r liv. .1. if she
' -'.lad I" h s W hale
st' i y .! la ui a.-k.ng
any 'pi. s t i"i, s.
Vi s. sir. wl.i n you
nail a I k ah. tit a
I t . are who has a
" y ipl. i.k.- f- i in." y.o,i
h ' v. p i al a i..::.ir ail
a I ilf t. read a story
a t.. iit .i : l.ii i: j w, man .
Adiled Fame.
" N' w." says t I, e
pn-iiiit r' p. r, n, an. r
lieio r I r "1 1. .in. s and
gU'l-.llllees lli.il 1.1;; p.,-.
UM Ij'l ""I ill the Volume.
ai'lit ion ? '
iml Hi.- r ad
,-h. d v.-.lh No
handing his check for a thousand to th.
Hobbles," and rec ivmg tin- contract win
trait and a biography of his trotting hois,.
" III give y ui li e loin, I la ,1 m ir- on onu c ai 1: i, i a "
"All ris-ht. sir," says the solicitor. " What U tie .
"That at tin- top of ti,. page containing m pa- ap
ing mall- r you print a l.ae st a' ii.g ' Tins M. titer ! 1 'ol.
Ll.aige to Mr. iynutii e."
Gentle Comment.
"You look as thourrh you mad.- your own dresses," i.ei lares tin
woman with the haughty nose.
"Io 17 ' asks tlie woman with, the beliiir-t ent eyas. "Well, ya,
look as though you didn't mar your own iin -s-es."
AN EXPLANATION.
WUtH SHE SPEAIS.
" rot p your wife say ai.ythIrK
w hen Jou stay out I ue nights?''
Of ks th- man ith the w orrit d air
of the man with the open counte
ince. "I don't kni whtthir the
dot s or not Sht dot s a g. ,od d al
of lalk.nc when I sit L. inc."
? ' '..v
4 it
: - , ,V
It,
' A I
- - !
'
t- tits.
' .1'
V
''-Ii
-
"Look here," said the lion to the monkey, b)hen the Jungle Quar
tet met for practice, "Vhat did you mean by saying that my Voice
droWned out al! the others?"
"Why," explained the monkey, "I meant that your tones had such
a great liquid quality, of course."
