V. r:n ', i the
I i-m ii r.ii-. . I .'! ;i '1
.if 1 1 e T! mi b s I'll
II iw to K l'-"' l! t - - s
lit. flit it to pr ...Mi. i '.
. V r 1 -ir, rt.il you
r ! I 7.i t ! you
i l.i f Tl.i
V 'i ! rii so much
The Top o' the Mornin. By W. 2D. JVeshit.
PUT OUT.
i i 1
--:A V.
1 - 'i'Viu'tM
At
M. I I
f'Julli'l
7 .f'J: '
Jit
"O, very wnll," Bay the biowbeaten hus
band "you may aay what you like, but I would
have you know that there have been many other
won. en who said I was the light of their life."
"The iii-ht of their life!" sniffa the Btrenuoua
wife. " Humph! And I don't doubt that each
and L-vtiy one of them turned you down."
Speed
" T hear that young Sp nditt l In. kirg for
work of some kind." says the man with the
embtolele r d vest. " lbdn t he Tall hi ir to
a fortune lat year?"
' Yes," anstirs the man with the open
work hair. " Ism h" han't ii n nii tii now."
" It must have gut away from him f.-t."
"No won.hr. He hail an auto that wint
sixty mil. art hour, a y.iol t that nt twen
ty mil an hour, a hot-' that went a mile
In two mlnuts find he hacked a comic op. ra
company that produced a show that didn't
fro at all."
A Postscript.
" Who loves not wine, women, and long,
Uvea a fool hli whole live long "
But you will dud era very long
That you have quite forgot the long,
Alt the woman this ia true
Oae day will not remember you.
One of the three will haunt you atlll :
" You'll have to pay the wine man's bill.
Like Cures Like.
" Ye, sir," says the man w ith the deter
mined air. " I heard my hoy using slang las t
w ee k. and 1 noon put a s: ..p to it."
' I'hildreii ate apt to pick up slang expres
sions very readily," soothingly cays the man
with the benignant look.
" Well. I didn't hollar abo.il investigating
as to where he got on to such a line .if talk.
1 Just trott.d the youngster Into the bid
rooTii. took uti my flipper and told him this
slanry way of handing out oonvi rsation
didn't go in my neck of the woods, and he
had to cut It out forthwith or else he would
get what was coming to him. And you can bet your life he laid down his hand right away.
FIGURED
UP.
"Who is that homely lrl?" asked
Coini hascr.
"Thai's Miss Eyress, who has Just
fallen heir to two millions," answered
Kiss Newsgive.
" Hum! As 1 was about to say, she
she has a good figure."
PURELY PERSONAL.
Obcil Ange.l of Kast Liverpool. Ol io. s ys 1.0
will n -t have his hair ut until the pi nhlhl: mr
1st!" elect a 1 rcsi.h nt lie ) KiLI
J. r. i'.iiii.i ry f M lvilb. Mum. ulw.ix e '1
cre.ttn on hi- iMtiiii il for I ro;e kf.ist .
Otis Hal.- of i :te. n ooil. Ind . has not h.ul i
tooth pulled for thirty y.ars
Irene Hivrrs, an ighteeti yi ,ir old pill of
Miilcrshtirg, I'a.. h is in v. r wanted to pi on t!
stage.
John Jon-s. the oldest Inhabitant of Alexan
dria. Va., can rememb. r nothini.' about linTi"
a.shlm;toii.
W illi mi Piiff of Inia. Ala., i in away I. n
yi"rs hko to in. ike his fortune He has not yet
ret urned.
Mrs. rearlii Kriilcett of t 'i iini rsville. Ind..
claims to have been the tirst woman in that
plate to adoot ihe stle of stii kirn; out tin
little fliin. r while h.'l.lini; n l,;u ui
Henrv tilllr
to be ; perf. ,
Mr. ejilliimw ;
l'hiier Slioj
ib s not kii'i
the I'tlVilua
Arthur Alb
sn.ilir of
donbl. of
1 1 I.eV f J
of Wl.o
' how the
a II. il.
I of Klkl
I oa linutoti. I i
b' in - l-'.iw :T d. ;
II tie kiln:.
hli. V. Va
e.overnnient sh
Ith
s n.l
"i;b
.i s he
mid .b--
L'vuldn't f ind It.
II. ll-'.lMllf
:.s ilui inv
-b.illil will
i-. Hill 1 1
-.. v, lio Ii
. i it in k v i .
hnii.M .i..pp.-. m tHformally upon the
.i v-iiiiix. Mrs. Sut bron ii;ests that if
iitlni Minn ii.iiit f i mil the mint bed In tln-
foi i! tin a Keiiiiiiie Kemueky Julep. Mr.
uiiiiliil in a matter of si veil oi elijht g. n-
1 i.
b
ell. W
bill .1
'.I..!,.
V. -I U
I
.s pi lot
i, ol t be i
ir.b n i
i.i, what
II l.i mik t
I'e in t he
:iti il my
iii rival of Hie guests, goes
ti i i insiiiiieiit tor in. irnm
to tl,
b .-.in .1
iiile ii while, and finally the otliein
i .use.j l he ib lay.
'i. moil u. ib or? ' his wife culls
d iikiieiss i nines the testy response;
w.iv twice iiloiind lids kit. I've
Society Notes.
Mr. and Mrs. Kneerly-nuMed arc Fpen.ling eiphty dollars and fifty .eras at Taketn
Inn, New !lanislilre.
Mr. Fccrco Titewadd H.nt fifty dollars at Atlantic t'itv, nth.
Mrs. O. WBttKiirnalm wore her two hundri-d d. liar duss at
Khe pKid $4 lor her liox sc-at.
rwisc he had a Kiod tinie.
the matitlee Wcdnesibi .
irt lnd.. Is heading a
n ovement .lu- 'inst !ty lishiiiu lb- says there
la no sens, in cat. hlnc Hii s.
fond Recollections.
Kv.-ii win n we ask the man il it is hot enough
for him he dm s not permit his antry passions
to rise. nlthoUi;h it is plainly to be seen that the
hiHt has almost willed him. Instead of swear
iim. he smiles.
"lbnv in the world can you smile on such a
day as this, with the nun beatiin; down for
all It's wortli and Ihe air like the Inside of an
ov. n?" we ask.
"I was Just thinklniT." he explains, "of one
day last Phi ruber when I slipped on the side
walk und fell into a snowbank."
CONSIDERABLE.
' i'WiiJ e.
9
r
'ft
mwm
You are Scotch, are you not, McTavlsh?" asked Ittlfjns ot
the v, alter.
Partly, sir
Ah, I have a good dcnl ol Scotch In me."
"Yes, sir; thank you, sir. I've noticed, sir, beooln your
pardon, thil you had drank quite a number ol Scotch 'Igh
balls, sir."
complexion at the tjolf dlntu-r Tuesday.
Mi.-s Vera Giddeitih wore her spring
(ii.h'etgh is always unconv. in i.itial.
Mr. Hummer Yett has purchased two new pictures for his art gallery. They are very
attractive. One cost $;',,riHI; the other close to H.b""-
ly. I
i'T'i
a ml
i 1 1 1 1 1 leaves. erasH. catnip, tulips, onions, sage und
U. but blamed If 1 t un find a sprig of mint anywhere!"
The Law's Extremities.
IV'-cival l'ii.i usher wore a frown and his iiutomobiling
urn. wl.i n bale.) into the Justice court on a charge of ex
br.c i ii.- s;. i .1 limit.
i' i a i, tragi !" he aswerteil, vehemently and repeated-
ut ' i nt v f i ' -inlly glance be got was ftoin Mr. Footloose
il.lv. who was taklny things ensy in a swaybacked chnir
w.ili him; the pr ediniri! with Interest. Mr. Footloose
Freddy was nlso
FOOLED THE HOUSE.
Miss Inia Frite was the central figure hi a serious no
thrown frorn un automobile and suffered u .spraiu.il tioger,
parasol and spoiling her $.'t7 coat.
blent Wednesday. Sin
us well as lireMkitiK h,
was
7.j
Insolvent.
" And." asks the referee In bankr uptcy, after
the lady has niven. as best she may. a list of
her dibts. "is this all you owe?"
Tin- fair on- bites her lips and thinks hard
for a moment, then answers:
"I owe party calls to almost everybody
town. Judge. Must 1 put them down, also?"
In
first
that
to
A Pnrtir-.l
Ml," says the fib ndly critic and ,oK is
poem of the ambitious youth. " W' y
of T. nn son."
" lb-ally?" .xclaims the ibliMul one .f ambition.
" Yes, you write a j;iiat ib.il ioo h- iinl. . xcept t
cro.-s his t s, and usually m.oie a lie re sw- p ni; y."
Simlltrlty.
r who has iH'en f.ivoTi.l with a slht of the
line, indeed. Vinir writinu reniinds me of
liat I believe he sometimes forgot
ir
Mr
THE NEED OF EDUCATION.
rinr
'lv
"of course." says the vi
time to time instances of en
" That is. ii nfort un it. ly.
" And do you Keep set t
" We have to."
'Naturally, you catch them on. e
sooner or later--
" tl. the fa.-tcr the man is, the som
Speed IV o Aid.
to tlo employer of i large forct
nei-s ;imorig your many employ.
l.i l.e expected," answers the employ
f ;m espionage llpon Ihem?"
you niiist tin.l from
.f the large fou
V
philosophical
thrown him.
Yon are ran
am going to
u n .1 e r 'hrresf
Ills cast was
called first, and
he was lined SJU
for vatr ancy.
TIhu the charge
aRiiint Mr.Fiti
rtueher wins on,
and he, inn
guilty, was also
BFseaai'd twenty
and costs.
' It's tin out-
r-aBe, a mlser-
nblo outragt"!"
he repeat, d.
' It is, for a fai t," nftieed Footloose Freddy.
Which gratuitous consolation so pleased Mr. Flturusher
that he paid the line of Footloose and walked with him from
tin- Justice court, continuing his comment upon the out-
l ageoUSIleSS of tile pl'oci ed i 1 1 g S.
'There's no such thing as justice In this community,"
a-se: led Mr. l-'ltausber.
" 1 should say not, paid." agreed footloose Freddy. "Why,
..ok. I icy nabs you for jiovln' an' me fer sittin' ut 111. Where
does a mail git off?"
ATAVISM.
" l is mbl about l'rof. I'.opp. nschtni.lt. Isn't It?" asks the
philologist. "As a usual thing In converses jid (,u,. (n broken
"Ha, ha!" lanqhed the
maa, after hl3 horse had
"It's a good )oke on you.
clng to Greenville, and I
Jouesboro."
lUll.lgc, but W bell lie hi
inly is courined always
collie i Hi lled and s wears, his pro
o tin- o iniun words. 1 wonder why
man with the Ingrowing face,
language-too stroll for him
' Kasilv explained," says (lit
The swear words arc strong
break."
The Difference.
" When we were married," said the first woman
i a quaint, quiet
fv V rMMBBMn . J7 lii r inaHHMWMri y VS. hMli - II
. Ir- nfeirr im -for
a lit iliiSlri it ISJW affl; a Y 1 '2c7. II ill I Bl VWmtii
I J I l'fJI' i VII N!K H!lnl l.'IWKJr' ir,t
1 'mm i
wlni
No matter how fast a man may be
Is caught.'
HELPFUL HINT FOR THE BALD.
tern
'"But, mamma, tohy should I put in so much time practicing?'
"My dear child, hoto Will you eVer knob) hot) to run a mechanical piano player
properly if you do not haVe a thorough musical education?"
1 we went
The
to
In lie country lmarJ
ir.H house, ;ind re
main, d lime for "
" Win n we were
niarrb d." broke In the
second worn;. ti. whose
one regret in life
sc. n-n d to lie tkat she
h.d only ten lingers
to s: o l- rings on. " we
w i nt to I la St U ii.nus
hot, : muI Mr. Iliads-
got t p , id a thousand
dollar.- a day for our
apartnn r.ts alone, a ml
he .-p. tit a hiua'.i t d
ibal.il - day fl'l tloW
ei s and tw o bund!'. J
dollars on our tirst din-n r
thing like It fl y thou"
' l'ajt," Interrupted the
about a honeymoon, not a
r
f
f
J.ittle itenry's 5'aQ
and altogether It cost him sonie-
first woman,
moneymoon "
I was talking
Her Impression.
pretty summer boarder watched
with great Interest the
working- of the hay
baling machine which
had b en hauled to
i the farm and was bc
fj Ins operated In the
lower thirty.
' As the his bundles of
A compressed hay were
j tumbled to the ground
f she studied them at
1 tentlvely. then askiil:
" What do you do
with that?"
j " Feed it to the
I dock, o' coure," ex
I plained the ion of the
' landlady.
"O, to be sure. I
suppose this is a machine to make breakfast
food for the horsea and cowi "
NO HOVE.
S- . ;a mV -'
i v- -Kz-k !'-f'"- J,k1 t vr'-i'
iv)7 v:M't 'ml
" Hut, papa, I would be content to live
on a crust with Harold."
On a crust? Mult! Harold couldn't
raise the d u;jh."
Higher Yet.
" Tes," sayF the man w ith the rtlllgatorsuit
case. " I was at the (.'p'otheiimlt hotel in the
mountains last wetk. and while there joimd
a party whicli attt npt. d to riimh the high
est pak of the range. We got to U: .'lt;tu,ie
of H.inki feet, w hich Is about a high as any
one has gone in those parts."
" O, I don't know." comments the man
with the imitation leather valine.
"You don't know?" rn-k the first man.
"Do you know of any one who has gone
higher than that?"
" Yes. I stopped at the Fptoth. limit Ion-,
four weeks once. You ought to have seen
my bill."
Unchanged.
" Yes," says the advanced farmer, who
really should be failed an agriculturist,
" there has beer. .. v ast change In the meth
ods of those who till the soil. As an In
stance, nowadays we have macl.in.s that
cut, thrash, and sack the wheat, whereas In
othtr years we cra.il. d It."
The vlstor nods understanding!-, but suys:
" Yet I believe there has not been such
great progress In other branches of agri
culture. Am I not right In my opinion that
uu still put corn in a crib?"
Did Lucius Smithers Do Right?
Lucius Smithers was married b a woman who combined the talents of expert ac
countant, good housekeeper. Judge and Jury, helpful companion, detective, friend and
critic also she was a financier and a first class doubter.
Now, whenever Lucius g-ot his pay . he had to explain carefully to Mrs. Smithers Just
what ho had done with every r. nt of it. and the tumult In a National bank over a false
balance of ten cents was as nothing to the row there was ready for Lucius should he for
get about buying a two cent stamp for a letter and therefore lay himslf open to an ac
cusation of embezzling two cents for riotous living.
Even the performing lion in time outwits Its tralmr, so with Lucius Pmlthers.
One day his pay envelope, when he handed It to Mrs. Smithers, was $:r short.
He stopped her hurried questions ami sudden Insinuations by saying, modestly:
' My dear. 1 have b. en thinking of the future that might be in store for you if I were
suddenly taken away from this I f. and y ou no longer had my stt. ng arms to support
and protect you. So from now on I am going to Invest a certain portion of my salary In
Insurance. Kcally. the amount that will go tor the premiums will be no more than we
otherwise would spend In unnecessary things, and should I be taken away from you. you
will then rcei ive the insurance money and I can sleep in peace."
And from that day on I.ticiu" Smithers was a changed and a joyful man. His friends
not.d that he smoked b"tt. r cigars, and that he had lost till the p.ssitnistn which for
merly marked him. lie did la t evt n become gbximy when he one day found Ills wife
trying the off. . t of mourning good..-' against her completion.
And when lc died, il was not. .1 that a swo t, .-ei.i.e .-uii'e r. st. d upon his f.u-e.
Hut. terrible to stale, no insurance pulley was found among his effects. Diligent
search and iia.iilry revealed that ho had never lak. n cut any insurance. His wife and
friends were forced to the realization that In- had blown in the premium money instead of
paying for l isurance.
lint - Lucius Smithers had made his wife happier during the Jcars when he was sup
posed to tie paying for insurance than she had ever been b. fore. And tlnre is no doubt
that he had made himself happier.
Therefore, did he U wrens? If not, why not?
f-HES3 3
7,
An Alph abet
of JoYxxft
y -s..
An EverJay Affair.
The pale, proud girl turns to the big. heavy
browed man who Is gazing at her so Int.ntly.
lie has a glittering knife in his hand.
"Have you no heart?" she asks In low,
even tones.
" No," he tells her.
" Then give me lo cents worth of liver."
Rapidly cutting off the d. s.r.d amount, the
butcher wraps il up for lor. gives In r b. r
change and trading .-tamps, and turns to wait
on the nmt customer.
V ! W!
F3sence oi trouble, yon
Simply deceive ni by claiming to be
Made of a double U
Here goes the bubble, yon
Really come from the doubling of V.
W ! W !
Standing like stubble, yon
Won't be a vowel, aud raubt interfere,
Save in the middle of
Llwwdywwlfyddle of Vales,
Then 'tis said yonr Bound we can bear.
W! W!
Built up like rnbble, you
Ramble around and yon get in the way.
You double trouble, yon
Woirisome W -Can't
you get out of our letters to stay?
Tf a man feels that he
has the confidence of
the public he knows
about how a horse
would feel If it km w
it was a favorite In the
betting.
The average tiuin Is
very proud on henrng
his wife tell the neigh
bors that she only
sp. nt Sa vi tits for the
material In her dress,
but be cannot h.lp
feeling worriid over
the itl.ini i s glvi n by
the same neighbors,
as if tin y thought he
were stingy.
The w lUlcit of all re
formers Is the one
who wants to ri form
the njoimcis who
want to make public
spet ches all the time.
We wonder what be
came of them. We
have I'.evu read an
obituary or a b.ogra
pby which staled that
Mr. Ko-and-So was
once u lightning r id
agent.
You (an b. Ju.-t as
happy, . . a if on are
,ooi . as li.. nio i. w it h
many iiiiiliut.s. and
you w '.id b . too, if
ht uain't have the
many ni'.liii.ns.
The other morning
we trie d to talk to a
In. Hi hlioul It bates
and he walk, d away,
saying he w as tlr d of
tish slurit-s.
We pity the man
who is unappreciated
to the exit nt t h i I l is
w ,fe does not b. ! eve
hi.- nn. .king r.i. t).t
porch w ill drive .
inoMiuiiots, ai d .hut
he really sn-.ok.s to
kei p the tno.x.uiloefc
away from l.er fair
bkin.
Mr. HillicinMy Miggbbuty writes us as
f. Hows:
"It is not g. ni ra My known that it is a s1 tu
ple matter lor a ba d man n lii e linns. :i
of t he one gn at worry ot t lo s iiinni. I mom lis
1. I'., II ns g. I : ii g i n his bald head. It is a
wi' l known fact hat lln-s have n miikid
pri dili ct ion for sugar, and will ..it it in
pilfer, me lo almost ninthing els. If you
are bald, and . u feel that i tly has alighted
upon I't.r load - wlni li Is ear by use. it ai mil.
as t he fei I of 'la' tly will ere ite a slight I iek
lii g m nsaticn . i s the fly walks around ami
around looking for tumble if a !Iy has
alighted on your In ad then take out a lump
of sugar, which y ou may can y in yourpo. k
et for Just such an . mcrgi i cy. I'lace tin
sugar on a Fhelf at the sann altitude as the
lop of your head, and the Ily yy.ill, nine times
out of t. n, leave your cranium for the sugar
lump. l!y waiching the sugar jou can mc
when it lias as many Mas as il can hold;
linn take another lump fr.ni your pock, t
and place it Inside the lirsl ene. An ordi
nary lump i f sugar will ace. iio.late ftetii
lifteen to sixteen thes. tine hundred lumps
of sugar should be a suflicient iuantiiy to
carry In the pocket for ordinary iiiitrgeu
Cics." IS
Passed Them On.
" Boms shrimpul " arked the man ef Antietam.
" Nn. thank you ; I rpully ran't eat m
But if you insist
I've a notion that Whitt!
We'll not waste them; we'll make my aunt
eat em."
Just for Spite.
"She sevms to bo a woman of exceptionally unpleasant disposition,"
observes the newcomer, referring to an absent one.
" I'npleasnnt disposition? " .-. hoes tho native- " Why. did you n. vi r hear
e.f what she did to cause heartburnings among her aciuaintances? She an
nounced a big dinner and ball for a certain evening, and then never Invited
a sou! to It."
DIPLOMACY.
" We must give up the ope n door peilie'y, I am afraid," says the ftrBt
diplomat.
"And why?" demands the Si cond.
"The Ambassador from Kishwhoo will not agree to our plans, aim you
know ihe w hole open do ir Idea hinges upon his decision."
" Hinges on it, do. s. it? " a.-ks the s.-cond one. " Hinges on It? Tell you
what we'll do. We ll make it a sliding door. Sec?"
Thus was shirt sleeved statecraft given another great Impetus.
MUST MAKE ALLOWANCES.
To U. cide a Let. w 1 1
someone 1. 11 us if it
really h. lf s the niu.-ic
f.-r a band coralui r.,i
to .l.g his baton ,i!
he do. ?
"You are flirting terribly; I do nut like it," said the Indig
nant wife.
"But, my dear," begged the p. hit husband, "you must be
lenient with me. kememhw-r, this Is my fitt attempt at flirt -in
ii - i'll do belter as I get in practice."