Two . tdce tUnga
about rheumatism: It
gives you s ni' filing
to talk of; nnl It
fta you lot s of sympathy.
We would think
m o r of classical
music if some of the
critic did not Insist
upon teJUng us why
we like It.
The Top os the Mornin
SW- 3D. file shit.
HEREDITY.
urn
iff 1 i
II iiip
J
"John, what do you think little Rosie says ? She says she
doesn't wont to go picnicking one bit.1'
"Rosie always did resemble me in matters of taste."
Jolly people along and they will say you arc a keen
render of character.
Foolish Youth.
" The moon li beautiful," he laid,
" The moon li beautiful tonight
Bee how It glaama high oveihead,
All pure and clear and ailver white."
She merely murmured loft and low:
" The moon The moon Ah, la that aot"
" The atari are lovely, too," he alghed,
" How tnarvelouily do they gleam 1
Ai Jewela acattered far and wide
Upon the robe of nlfht they leem."
Her voice waa like a babbling brook'i:
" I'm very glad you like their looki."
And ao he raved about the aky
And all the lovely atara that ahone,
Until aha asked him by and by
In aomewhat of a f reeling tone:
" Tea, they are very fair to see,
But, Oacar, have you noticed me I"
Little Henry's Slate.
This life Is but a fleeting show, but very
few of us are lucky enough to be thematlme
heroea.
The Busy Druggist.
Bow doth the buay druggist man
Improve each ablnlng minute
By looking wise and charging you a
dollar and a half for filling a prescription
that only haa
About three cents' worth In It.
Vocation means work, and vacation means
another form of work.
The world must be
get ! il g In ttel . W !i n
we p:i y m 1 t e n t ' ' i t ion
to tin man win tiiov, -i
f . r pence than t' the
men who bring on
w ir.
Another tl.il t ll : 1 1
i mhl'ters the hoi.. t
sweat that drips down
the face of the harvt -I
hitid i that Ik knows
some one will d: Ivi by
the th Id and P fer to
him as a hornyhandeJ
son of toll.
Hut maybe I-ueiil'i i
did not tip the waiter
and so wis nh'e t
(pi nd more motif yon
his feasts.
We have a lot 1 1 fool
frii nds. hut t li a n k
heaven none of them
Is of the variety that
want to talk loud and
funny on a street car.
Outside of novi Is and
the ill am. i, riiil you
ever know a girl
named Gladys?
If you Invisllgate
their lives, you will
find tnat half the
Women who want di
vorces are married tr
men who n ek d the
boat at piehli-J.
After vlsiiira t w r.ty
seaside resorts. Mi'. I.
Uli evitt has fallen In
to a le wilderi d won
d e r m e n t n to the
whi re a bouts of the
original of tl,. butliliig
suit pill in ihe llthe
g r n p li I'd advertise
ments. Every man can re
mcmbt r at least or.ee
when he played a
ht no's part.
Unselfish.
"Why, howdyedi," gays tlie former adorer, meeting
the bride. "I am so glad to see yon. I mast congratu
late yon and wish yon all happiness."
" 0, that Is ycry kind of yon," responds the bride,
"and I hope you are sincere."
"I am, truly. I hope you'll be as happy as If you
had married me."
Out of His Territor.
" tint." says t ' e kind
hi in ti d Kalis; v, oinan to
the 1t.il; Id mil ho las ap
plied at the k It i-In n door
for any old clothes or food
Hint in iv he obtaim d. " I
don't si e nl.j on have to
beg for a living."
" 1 wouldn't do it." re
sponds the gentleman of
leisure, " If I could find
nny work to do at my
trade."
" Well. now. I'm sure If
you Just looked around
town n little you could
pick up a Job at our trade.
What Is your lint of work.
an way?"
" I'm a tU ep st a diver,
ma'am."
A friend In need Is often
a frli nd In tin art.
TUB UNrtTTfllNlULli,
Our friend, the inventor. Is tolling with pardonable
pride of his success in getting up a new washing
machine, a contrivame for washing dishes, another
for cleaning windows and still another for scrub
bing floors.
" liood." we say. " Now go ahead and Invent some
thing that will wash a boy's face as often as It needs
washing, and your fortune Is assured."
" I can't." lie replies, sally. "There Isn't any way
to combine the flish washer, clotheswasher, window
"leaner and floor scrubber."
THE STRONGER SEX.
Si e the man.
Observe his craven air,
his lock of guilt, his t x
pn ismn of dn ad.
Who and what Is he? Is
he one who Is being
spreadeaglid through the
magazim s as the head ee
tupus of some kind of a
systi m? Js lie an escaped
niaklactoi ? Is he a boat
rocker?
No, he Is none of these.
Then what?
He is simply u plain,
common, every day niun,
w ho has taki n his little
tioj tij the bnrbi r ehop and
had hla curls clipped off,
without consulting his
wife about It.
Mow strange!
And nobody will feel good over it n
pt the boy and the barber.
GEORGE'S PREDICAMENT.
"Yea, I thought It would bft a novol Idea. wall a loyal
to our woman's olub constitution, to be married by a woman
preaoher, ao I made George promise to have the Rev. Mrs,
Pulpltt perform the oeremony."
" How unique!"
"Do you think ao? Well, aha la a widow, and Qeorge
went to her and said he wanted her to marry him, and aha
said she would nnd' now he's afraid she'll have him arrested
for bigamy or breach of promise or something Ilka that"
1
Except.
With catura I would fain commune '
I fain would lie beneath the boughs
With all the peace of afternoon
aty .ready fancies to arouse.
With nature I would fain commune
il fain would lie beneath the tree,
Aniwould, did not the festive June
Bug and the gnat and blithe mosqul
To, and the flies in ecstasy
Come buzxlng to commune with me.
But you cannot tell by examining tin foot
prints on the sands of time whether i r not
the shoes pinched the feet that mud. the
prints.
Closer.
" I would be near to nature's heart.
Row may I make that goal of mine!"
" You'll find that you will get a star
By working In a coal mine."
About this time of the year the graduates
of last spring have rvercome the surprise
caused by seeing the world persist In Its
errors.
How It Happened.
She wore her heart upon her sleeve,
And that Is how, we understand,
Sire happens to display today
A gorgeous diamond on her hand.
Muecess. child, Is largely making good on
your egotism.
DIPLOMATIC
i
"Marie,
have given me as
KJ, no,
way I worked.
riave
reference.
a letter from
T T
now is
Mrs.
tnis?
or a comment upon you, saying you
mum.
I-
-you you see
Hirem, asking
Are you going to It
I merely wanted to find out if you liked the
leave .
One Wat; Out.
" What ? " exclaims the vexed wife. " You forgot to get the
tickets for the matinee, after we have asked our friends to go with
us ? O, you dummy I Now, what excuse can we make to them ?
It Is too late to get seats." . -
"Well," stammers the husband, "couldn't we tell them we
forgot they -vere going ?" . . ,
WOULD STILL THINK OF HER
Indomitable.
The King of Sumwhairre was seeking a man
to lead his armies In what promised to be a
lung and discouraging campaign.
" We must find u man w ho will keep plug
ging along," he said, " through sunshine ai.d
rain, through Joy and sorrow, through laugh
ter and ttars. ui.inlin'.ful of curses and Im
pervious 10 lae smiles
of flatterers. Find u,e
such a m a' n, a n d
wlitther he has any
military genius or not ,
hi shall comiii it d my
armies, for he can
learn t hi w:ir game
qulclily enough.
The c h a m h t-rlaln
wi r.t out It. in he city
an. I returned at dusk
with a common look
ing man.
"Sire," he siUd,
" here is a person w ho
li.ls all the n qulre
mtnts you have laid
down for the com
mander of your ar
mies." " How so?" asked
the king of Sum
wh.ilrre. " lie has b en try
ing f'r four years to
h arn to play the cor
net." X
If It wasn't for the
foolishness of the ges
tures, every man
knows he could make
an . ration that would
sway an audience a
he wished.
If you see a man en
deavi rii.g vigorously
to gt t Hit? attention of
a few pt ople who teem
to war.l to tak aliout
somethlr.g else, he la
either tt .lirg hb. ut
his trip to Tortland or
he la a war correspon
dent talking about
Manchuria.
x
, Most ambition are
merely variations of
counting your chick
en before thejr are
hatched.
Expert Evidence.
" I want you to go through town,"
nays the charitable magnate to his sec
retary, " and find the very poorest
family here. I want to make a gift to
that family, but I must be sure that It
Is absolutely the most poverty stricken
we can find."
The st cretnry makes
the necessary Investi
gation, but returns
discouraged.
"lUdn't you lind any
poor families?" asks
the philanthropist.
" Iots of them, sir,
but I can't decide,
which Is the pooretst."
" And why?"
" Well. I find three
families in gnat des
titution; each of them
owns eighteen dogs,
and there Is one extra
dog that seems to
make Itself at home
with all three of the
families. None of them
will claim the dog. If
I could find which one
really ow us Uiat extra
dog It would be.jdmple
to decide which Is the
poorest."
Irking Chances.
There was once a
young man who met
two girls who were
constantly together.
Now, he was an astute
young man. and he de
sired to say something
nice and agreeable to
the ladies, but he
knew that If he paid a
compliment to one of
litem, no matter which
one, the other would
Instantly be hurt.
So he thought rapid
ly for a moment and
then laid:
" Ah. I know why
you two girls are al
ways together."
" And why?" asked
An 'Unfailing Rule.
I can alwayn tell If a wntermrlon la ripe or not," ays Fadoojui.
learned how when I was a hoy."
" What's your plan?" asks Madoggus.
" You Just thump the n Ion with your lingers and If It (ota plunk tt
Is ripe, but If it goes plank it Is green."
" That may be all right." comments MadoggtiB. " but I've got surer
test than that."
" You have?"
" Yep. When 1 go to buy one. I notice that the green ones ar
always fifteen cents cheaper than the ripe ones."
vv, v I v. t urn u a.
An Alphabet
of JoKes
IS your "Dude," mild and bland,
With lifted and ontwaving hand.
Who views your watch or pin or ring
Or overooat or anything
Ton want to get a hundred on
(In other words, to put in pawn)
And softly tells yon he might lend
A dollar on it you're his friend.
If 'tis yonr watch that goes In soak
Because, forsooth, yon have gone broke,
Then every friend yon chance to meet
In church, at home, or in the street
Will stop and chat a little bit
Then ask you: "Say, what time is itt"
Too, in the 0 Jokes every year
The Useful Christmas gifts appear.
C-A-A-S-H!"
anys th? lovely heiress to Percy Ftedoo, aa
the two girla together.
" Uecau.se everybody says that a handsome girl always chooses a
homely one a a companion, au that her beauty may be enhanced
by the contrast."
Kitlier both girls would be angry with him, or delighted, after
such a remark.
And what do you think happened?
The two girls blushed and said he was a flatterer and went thi ir
way together, each happy for herself and
sorry for the other.
(Si
m,Yv
I Hi-ygl
Conventionality, i hild, is that whlcti permits
a woman to wear a collarkss waist
with elbow .-letves on a. hot i vt n
ii.g and compels a man to smother
hrtnself in a coat If he wants to alt
on his own porch.
" I want you to mevt my brother Casslus,"
they sit on the sand at the aeaslde resort.
" I shall be delighted to know him," responds our hero, idly digging a hole In the Band.
" I used to have a very dear friend in N'York named Casslus ISilderbilt one of the rail
road ISIlderbiltB, you know."
" Ah, Indeed?" renponds the heiress.
" O, yes. He, and I. Und Jimmy Merepolnt Torgan, and Russell Scrage, and Wally
Cantor and all that crowd of fellows are auch chums."
" How Interesting It must be to know all those famous men."
" O, not so very. They are much like everybody else. After all, aa one goes through
life, he learns that there Is but one person who really fills his Ideal, and thnt person, Miss
Muchcoyne, Is yourself. I have never seen "
" Walt Just a minute. There goes Casslus now. Canal us! O, Caasius! Cash! Cash!"
" Will you have It delivered, or carry It home with you?" mildly limulres Percy Iledoo.
Haughtily toeslng her proud head, the lovely heiress Is about to arise and leave, when
a wave of recognition surges over her and she exclaims:
" Mercy! I know you now. You are the new floorwalker In the rarpets. I was in the
leather goods until week before last, ami I'm going to be Ln the umbrellas as soon aa my
vacation Is over."
Iiut Percy, ere the sun went down, had convinced her that she would better accept a
life position ln a cosy little flat.
"AHuuugu it Is true yon give me beantilal
presents, yet how do I know you may not forget me
within a short timet Men are so fickle."
"Don't worry. I've got to keep paying a dollar
a week on that necklace for three years."
Warning.
O, see the three men approaching.
lluny. let us hasten down this
alley ai d into another street ere
they discover us.
Wl y should we rush away from
them?
No. tin y are not footpads, nor do
we ow them money.
I.lst,ti. One of them has Just re
turned from his vacation trip to the
wooile and h-. will want to till how
many fish he caught und how many
chlggt rs caught him; the second
has Just emerged from the hospital
after btit.g relieved of his aprendlx
und :yCi.lti; while the third is on
the verge of buying an u utomobllr.
Made a Purchase.
"Huh." growls the brutal hus
band, lookitig at the little piece of
goods' his wife Is unwrapping.
' Huh! That's the way with a
woman. Put in a w hole day shop
ping, petter the life out of cleiks.
and w ind up by coming home w ith a
sample of somAhlr g to s. e if it w ill
match something else."
"Sample, Indeed!" replies the
' I want you to know,
John Henry Oaziup.
that this Is the goods
for my new bathing
suit
Humanity is di
vided Into a number
of strata, each of
which aaya of tha
atraium bintath It:
"I suppose wJh9',.
poor people rmlTy
get as much happt
w4t ir; -"
we do."
WHAT AUNTY LACKED.
.1 mr my new batt
"Children, when I was your age I would not have laughed
.js you do at my old aunty."
"But, aunty, maybe you didn't have an old aunty that was
as'funny as ours." '' '