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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (July 16, 1905)
The amateur innd oape eanl.tier is a man w'io omre t re frain from putting the powder puff to the face of nature. Simply N'('iu.f pio p arc ob'ging to u. son. let us not nuke that an nciiff for w orklng them to death. The Sop o JWornin, FT. 2). Nesbit. WEIGHED IN THE BALANCE. t. Q-iiyMMIM"! Hit JAW, y. R r -. . t K ,......, ....v.v.i.-.vt. -. ., ..M!V,.iAl...'' v. ...... i. Just as Good. "That druggist dow n in tin c orncr has hi own subs! itutc t for j n t ). ttifi you want to buy." asserttd the nan with thr posit lV'. t l in. " lift I ran ask fur tmi thing lie won't luiv a substitute for." offtitd the man with tin porting expression. " lione." They itit to the drugstore, and the man who had propustd the bit askul: " Can I buy a Mamp here for this lettct ?" " Is It a drop li ttcr?" asked the druggist. " Yis. Imt w hy ?" "My delivery, boy will take it around for you for two cents and savt you the trouble uf licking the stamp." rONIESSION. I burl brick it thoie who ride In autot fait and free Then lit beiide the etreet and think How aplendtd It would be If I were in an auto and Folki chucked the brlcki at me. BIDDY'S MISTAKE. Willie's Essay on Essays. Thare are mriiny kinds of essays, such a 1 tie maggitzren issny, t In- nllgious fsay, the lltttry ess.iy, the school etsny and so f'Kiith. but tin funniist (-say Is the Fmall buys i-ssiiy. The small boys essay Is wrlten by a boy after he gtoz.' up. R th. time he K m ba Id In ili! d and is so old that he w a res shoes that ate not too small for his fite he lxgiliM to write boys issays and sell them to th" palpi rs. lb 1 boys rite issayo on litis and l.omr and hope nnd why we should ver strive to bi good and inn. but wlon bald I t dded tin n rlti s boys ( .: s they rite ubout w tinmen and silles and l.cwse cli i nlng n ml so foaith. Tl:i- funlist tl it g about bi j s issays that bald heddd nun rites is that (verybudily s z aim that Just like a boy. 1 told you to polish the floor till you could see your face In it." "So I did, mum. But my face was dirty." UP WITH THE TIMES. " 1 Fiippo.se.'' says the lady with the eye glasses to the man with the chin whiskers, " that you read all the latest novels." " No. I don't gi t the time." responds the man w ith the chin w liiskers. " Surely you do. You seem perfectly familiar with all of tin m." "Thank you. 1 have a little plan that obviates my reading them. I simply read the advertisement!) about them." AS IT TI RNIH) Ol'T. Kvi n;u i!ly. the ipotu of pi i t; :.in(r ii. J high thinking !. el . n v. 1 1 . .1 i . t y 1 'dy .0 their w.i) of In ii IV opie In gin eaMnit imp! . ci ti neoi fare, n el.ewjig th I. ill itid luMinou-i d.i;nii. s vlier upon tl.ey had hi'.!.:to Dgaltd .ill nisi 1 v i s. I'ate lie f. ie gva-. bar .'i- In. Mjuab til easMTel'. alio tiip i.l.e ti 111. tilled 1111 i.il.ed r,ir ami tin. a In. while w I; '! wl.iat bread, corn pone. Mlts. and cum mun fruits. 1 1. tap t asily m t vi d. at i! pi t -fte.tly d.gestlble. became t he soli fare of the pivpulaee Then was een a umarkable thing Throucli abstnee of litinand unl ex.-t s uf supply the lot tin r hixurit dwir.ilb d in prn f until in ct nts wuu.tl 1 n as niueli a $1' had b lUghl live y at ago.. Tin n a trusi gAt Imltl of the eomnion items of the linriu and sho: tin pi ice up until it hit t li" sk a r si luml'.ng i.ai k. T!:e nicessltiis of life In fame too ix P: nsive. anil the public turned ef.ee again to its liixurli-s. which wire now so eco n imical in est as to be within ,he reach if all. And so the wheel ki pt turning- Five years later luxurbs were luxuries and necessities luets-sitits once mote How to Keep Cool. Don't drink Ice water ; don't get mad; Don't hetd iho frete of him or her; Don't think of cold waves we neve had DON'T LOOK AT THE THERMOMETER 1 It so happened that the good sheik, Ali Kazamm, announced that he would be glad to purchase a poem dedicated to his reign. And many were they who submitted odes and epics and the like. Now, there came also one who lived at a great distance and who had walked the entire way to hand in his poem. "But," said the sheik, " your verses are not worth anything." "True, 0 excellent sheik," responded the unhappy poet, "but I have come a great distance and am in need of funds," " Yet, your poem being valueless, wherein do you expect me to reim burse you? " "At least pay me the price of the paper the ode is written upon." "Alas, you have ruined the paper by covering it with your writing." This teaches us that it is better to eat raw hamburger steak than to have the meat burned to a crisp by an ignorant cook. WAS THIS WRONG OF WILLIE? Willie Johnson, aged thirteen, while on his way home last Thursday afternoon, passed a windmill, which structure was surmounted by i huge water tank. The windmill was Dumping water Into the tank, and while Willie t J looking at It the water overflowed and he wag thoroughly doused. Hurrying on toward home, he found his shirt was completely soaked, so he took It oft and wrung the water from It, twisting the sleeves until Uiey were full of wi Inkles. He smoothed his hair as best he could and shook the water from his hat. Now, when he went into the house, his mother, asked: " Willie Johnson, where in this world have you been? Didn't I tell you not to go rwlnimlng again without my permission?" Here, gentle reader, a puzzling question presented Itself to Willie Johnson. If he should tell his mother that he was standing looking at the water tank when It over flowed and that the water thus got on him. she would Instantly point an accusing finger at his wrinkled shirt sleeves and demand to know what left the traces of knots In them. Then, after he had told about taking off his shirt and wringing the water from It, she would pin him down about his hat and say it looked as If It had been thrown Into the water by some reckless playmate only she would have said " some little scamp," Instead of " reckless playmate." These questions would have led to others of an inquisitorial nature, and Willie John ion would have been discredited with his mother, and most likely, would have been pun ished severely; first, for going swimming without permission; second, for telling stories about It, and third, for getting his clothes wet. Bo Willie Johnson looked his mother squarely In the eye and sought to avoid all the talk and have the whipping over by saying: " Mamma 1 I went In swimming." Then his mother took him by the hand, led him to the kitchen and gave him a huge piece of cold apple pie for being a truthful boy. Now, his mother Is proud of him and tells the neighbors what a manly, honorable lad he Is to own up to wrongdoing. Hut If he had told her the truth she would have disr believed him and would have whipped him. Should the conscience of Willie Johnson trouble hlmT Remember, he expected to have to take a whipping that would be undeserved, and remember that his mother thinks he deserved one but because he was frank and honest she would not whip him. Should Willie Johtison's conscience keep him awake nights? Tuesday afternoon we were served with the following Intellectual menu: One man told why he bought his auto; another man told why he did not buy any one of ten makes of autos; two men told what they thought before and after being operated on for ap pendicitis; one man told how many cigars he smoked in a day, and how he suffered cine time when he swore off for a week; six men told whis pered rumori about lx others and up to that time we had al ways thought of woman " when we though' of "gossip." The average woman wants her husband to be eierted president so that she may tell the reporter how she en couraged his ambl-. tions. We laugh when some one wonders who 1? sick If he sees a man hurrying to a neigh bor', but we read with deep interest the cah'.t grains telling about Minister So-and-So making a brief call at some palace. The men wlio becam bndi groom In June are still endeavoring to figure out why they lost popularity with all (he other women so suddenly. A POSSIBLE BLUNDER. tW Irtlln "Why ore you taking your carpet slippers?" " Because Jiggs and 1 are going to spend the evening going over his new book in his den." "Bui why do you take carpet, slippers when you know they have hardwood floors ail over the house ?" LITTLE HENRY'S SLATE. i . j Losing Faith. Another solemn truth Is that nobody ever found a water melon that lusted as good as the witermal 'on poems claim It does. Inborn dignity is that which keeps p.i.pie from laugh ing at you when they see you ia a bathing suit. It is all right to say that riding in an auto is like ruling on the pilot of a locomotive, but -it l all w rong to revere the comparison. u w I n I yaw'' '2Lm Hut, Mr. Rluzzer, you must not be morose because I cannot accept you. Some time you will find the very woman intended for you, and then you will wonder why you ever thought " "O, I'm beginning to think you women are all insincere. Do you know every girl I've proposed to has said the tame thing to me." BY THE AID OF SCIENCE. "Ah," said the fair palmist at the church festival to the sweet young thing who presented her hand to be read for the benefit of the poor, benighted heathen, " I see by your hand that you are engaged to be married." " O, how wonderful!" giKKled the sweet young thing " And." continued the palmist, her voice taking on a cutting tone, " I see further that you are engaged to marry Mr. Poppofften." " O, how in the world could you discover that?' " Hy my science." " Hut surely the lines in my hand do not " " Who said anything about the lines in your hand? You are wearing the engage ment ring I returned to him last week." RECOGNIZED THE DESCRIPTION. The man with the pessimistic hair happens to overhear the conversation of the gentlemen on the seat ahead of him. The one who is doing most of the talking is saying: "And so there is a constant current of cold air circulating inside of It. This is distributed over the house by pipes which lead to whatever point you desire. Hut always It will produce a sufficient supply of cold air to " " Kxcuse me," Interrupts the man with the pessimistic hair, "aren't you Mr. Gllthers, the hardware and stove man?" " Yes, sir." " And may I ask what contrivance you are describing?" " A cold air plant for a meat storage house." " I'ardon me again. I thought perhaps you were telling your friend about the furnace you sold nie la$: winter.' The man who s-tands pati.n'.ly on the corner watching worknun hoist a beam into place on i new ou.iding, or trying to see what the 'est of a crowd surrounding two lighting bootblacks is gazing at. is ti.e same man who nevtr stops to pit k up bis hat when he loses it racing for a trolley car. We never could understand why the girl who puts up lettuce leaf sandwiches for the picnic gits mar ried sooner than he one who pre pires t lie satisfying onus of ham and mustard. If serving on a Jury carried with It the vested right to wear a silk hat and a frock coal and sit on a platform in ftunt of an audience of a thousand ptople there would be fewer Jury dodgers. The man who frankly acknowl edges that he Is afraid of lightning lands a good chance of going down to faint- as " Honest " So-und-So. Also, this Is t!ie time of the year when we btum t, realise that t'ou.-in Kzra of Uatkyonjtr has a country place, matt ad of living on a farm. HER WAY. M?''P I -it, HW .'HEVtiNTIVE. " Well, say what you like." it ni.ukf-d t lie man in the w liite yachting cap. "but champagne kept me from being r-ea?iek wlnn I s-tarttd for Kutopt last summit." "I have heard that it was a pttvtnt ive." comments ti.e mail with tin horse shoe scarf pin. " Did you take it ia gular ly. or Just w In n you beg into ft el ill ?" " I bi gan taking it the night bt tore the boat sailed, and " "And that kept you from" "Kept me from sailing. Wlnn I woke up the boat was s-omewtiere oft -it Sandy Hook and I was still in bed in tho hotel." "TJuf, jMrs. Gadabout, you hiere in Florida a I Winttr, and nottl you sap you are going to Canada for the summer. Do you neVer stay at home ? " "O. yes. I always come home long enough to go aUiay." SriSMOt OGICAL NOTE. The earthquake, with a gentle sweep, And with an idle, swaying motion, First rocked the cradle of the deep, And then it bad another notion. The Crucial Point. " As tor inc." said the person with the cigar which had a gilt baud on it. " l do not care w hat people ihink of me." lie tilted back in ois chair and regarded bis listeners ii!i a calm, t unti-hti'd expression. " I don't t an what tliey think of me. either." ventured the man with the meerschaum pipe. " I never worry nbont that. What worries nie Mount inns is what they say about me." It hastened out upon the land, And with a sharp and shaking quiver It folded up with sturdy hand The bed of many a drowsing river. Some Consolation. " Say, boy. how far is It from Collins ville to Uriggston?" "Twenty miles. You're Just half way there." "Twenty miles? If I'd knowtd it was that far I'd never stalled. Now I'll have ti walk all the way back." " It ain't us bad as It might be. mister You're half way back." ENDED THE GAME. Method in Their Midsummer Madnes-.. " But." says the friend. " it Is so beaut. fu. and cool right there In the town whire yo i live that I do not see why you go away to spend the summer. You have pli nty of wa ter for bathing and boating, the scenery i magniflcent, the roads are good, thesocbty is pleasant, and " "I know all that." explains the otlnr. " But don't you see. if we would all stay at home, then some one would make a summer resort of the place, and before long It would be so crowded none nf us would gt t any com fort out of living there." Mystified, the friend watched the work of packing the trunks. "Wasn't any game, me and ate the balls ! " HARDSHIPS OP LAP.OR. " Why do you make complaint about the hard work?" asks tin tamest agriculturist of his bin d man as tin y toil in the harvest II. Id. " Work is ennobling, l.i In r is levut ing. See, yonder In the shade of the tree re p.i i s tin diilinnt pm t w ho is com p. sing a beautiful t fioi't which is in spired by the sight of us garnering the golden grain into shea vi s." "That's what's tla matter.'' re plies the hired man, Indignantly. Don't I know that wlnn I go up to the house tonight, tind and sltepy. that there eminent pot t will make me stay awake to hear him read the stuff he Is w riting about us ?" Really, about the best part of a va cation is studying time tables where others can see you and wish they were planning trips, loo It is Just as embarrassing to he a poor man with rich migl.bors as to be a rich man with poor nilg!ibt is Kach has to explain why ti.e other is there. WKLL RF:Al) SCHOLAR. " Now. children." said tin- teacher, unti Ming the map to show tin pnl.tr t'lginii. "which tme of you can Indicate the place where the days ure six mon1 lis long?" None of iho children vnliiiiieeit'd. so ti.e ti acher bamli i the pointer to Jimmy Wise, who took It with nn air of weariness, advanctd to the map. put thr tip of the pnln'ri on the state of I'cimsy 1 aula, anil remarked: "Aw, I'll think you'd bale to spring that old Phila delphia Joke on us. teacher." :: SIC TRANSIT GLORIA. O. see the man. Observe that we are about the only persons In town who serin to see him. Yes. he goes his silent way, unknown, unhonored, and unseen. Yet one short week ago he was the cynosure of nil eyes, he was the center of observation of the crowds, bands played for him and people cheered him when he appeared. Uut now his glory Is fallen from him as a garment and his lii.iiiiIi ur has faded as a puff of smoke in a Kansas gale. And why? What did he do? lie was chairman of the committee of arrangements for the Fourth of July cele bration. That is a great deal worse than being a popular hero. NO i)i-MAND. " You needn't trou ble to show me your samples of silk stock gs, young ft How," said the general store- The ostrich rot hungry waiting for'.;cr " s",d " Why? Seems to nie, with everybody striking it .rich out here, there oug'.il li$i?iv I'm tt lAtL- J!"",5-.- . "What was the score in that came between you and the ostrich yesterday?" to be a demand for such tine goods." " Yes. but gt neially '.I never rains here at till during the summer, ami so nobody cm r wants the tilings." One Kind of Ambition. " Is riiflkins an ambitious fellow?" asks the man who is thinging ubout making some additions to his force. " In a way, yes," replies the one who Is being Interviewed. " 1 mean, does he hope some day to rise to n high round of the ladder by his own efforts? He seemn to have aspira tions that are encouraging." " Well, he Is not ambitious In that way. What I'll fTk Ins wants to achieve is to reach that high round on the ladder by means of an elevator donated to him b: some one else." There are a few folks who have the Idea that the higher education consists in being able to state that two ami two are four, in words of six sy llables. Respecting the Conventionalities. IS the Time-la-money foke- Ai old as Father Time. No man la ever wholly broke ; Be alwaya haa a dime, A nickel, or a dollar, in The time that he may kill Bat alter that he must begin No pay the burial bill. If Time is Money, one might say That each one from hia birth Crows very wealthy, day by diy, Till none knows what he's worth. Some people seem to think it prime To help yon cnt a dash They are con'.ent to spend their time And let yon spend yonr cash. Ah, Mrs. Woo fern, I set you have my um brella that your husband borrowed from me last week. May I walk " " O, Mr. Sallooslmus, what would people think If they saw us walking together?"