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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (July 9, 1905)
Another t r o u b le bout g' tting near to natures n'art l that monnltne sre al wny firt In that vicinity. IMgnity. child. Is that nua'lty which enablt 5 n in in to look a If he lad n vrr bail a nickname The Top o the Morn in. "By W. . Jeshii. GOULD GUESS AT IT. As an Example. SOME CONSOLATION. What," shouted the prosy fourth of July orator, after two hours of aimless speechifying, "what would our forefathers say if they were to be here this afternoon?" 'I can't give you their exact language," replied a weary man in a side scat, "but If you like I can eive you the gist f it" The Confession of Eli Diddunt. To my neighbts and my family I am a mechanical genius of the high Little Henry's Slate. i est class. To myself 1 am a bald and arrant fake of the first water. It all came of the new window screens. Kver Blnce the warm weather began I have been reminded each day by the wife and the Hies that we must have the windows properly screened. To tills proposition 1 agreed. Yet when a lowbrowed bandit with a stubby pencil and a deep yearning for weultli came and did something that he called " estimating." 1 began to feel that after ail window screens were not the only essentials to happiness in tills life. About all the man estimated was the probable amount of my wealth, making no allowances for the ice man and the pirate who cuts my grass. At any rate I astounded all who know of my marked antipathy to physical effort by announcing that I would construct my own window screens from the raw material. I argued that I had plenty of spare time, which I was frittering away by sitting on the front porch and resting, to build all the window screens we should need for years to come. There are but twenty-four windows in the house, any how. I'ntil I counted them I had no Idea that there were more than six. The best way to surprise yourst If with the amount of lighting and Ventilat ing facilities in your residence is to decide to make your own screens. I procured the frames, ready to be cut to the proper sizes and joined together, and a roll of wire netting. The dealer also sent along a few bu.t s of tacks of the right size to get stuck under linger nails, and some cast Iron brackets to clamp the corners of the frames. The day they arrived 1 got a copy of a magazine that excels in hints for householders. I also hunted up the hammer and saw and a tape line, and began work, sur rounded by sympathetic friends and advisers. I took the necessary strips of wood and carefully measured them against the window that was to be the llrst monument to my skill. With airy grace I sawed the strips to the right length and nailed them together. The process of stretching on the wire screen was not unattended by unpleasant incidents. But what is to be expected of a man with the sun hitting the buck of his neck at forty horse power, perspiration running into his eyes, and strands of wire Im paling Ills finger tips? Is l! reasona ble to thli.k that he will respond lightly to the marry badi nage of the innocent bystanders when, under such circum stances, he whacks his thumb with the luunmer? Not un less he keeps his thumb In his mouth for a sufficient length of time to permit the hot flow of language to cool off. My thumb was not held In my mouth that long, and half of my audi ence left before the show was fairly on. Then, when the first screen was finished. It would not fit the window for which It was designed. Here was an embarrassing state of affairs. One of the onlookers suggested that I remodel the window to fit the screen. He got a hard look. Then I dlscov ered that I really had meant that screen as the lojrer panel for a new form of screen door. Also that I had an important business engagement and the screen manufacturing must be discontinued for the day. Next duy was circus day. I burled all my religious scruples against circuses, and induced my family to take all the neighbors and the servants with them to see that great educational exhibit of trained dogs and trapeze artists. After all had gone I dragged my window screen plant to the back yard once more. JuBt ut that moment Mr. Nailer, the local carpenter, hap pened along. He wanted to know what I was doing. A happy thought struck me. I said I was looking for him. It took but a few momenta to arrange the details of the plan, although he had to be paid extra to Insure secrecy on his part. Nothing shall be divulged here, but long before the circus party had returned all the screens but one were finished and In place. I waited until the crowd rounded the corner, then busily began fastening the corner clamps on the last screen. It required all my modesty to prevent my 'swelling visibly under the shower of compliments that greeted the work. The neighbors vied with each other In praising the screens and me. They had never, they said, seen such perfectly built screens, to be the handiwork of a man wbose proud boast had been that he had never driven a nail in his life. Tomorrow I am going down to Neigh bor Long's to advise him about constructing his own window screens. I know Just how it should be done, having seen every part of the work. Still, I am worried at times because it is now too late for an open coivfession on my part to be of much god. o He Canceled the Date. The famous orator starts for his home, revolving in his mind the groundwork of the fourth of July oration he Is to prepare. The title shall be " The Land of the Free," and his talk shall be one in which special stress Is laid upon the great blessing of liberty which one and all enjoy. As he hastens down the street he Is stopped by a policeman, who makes him go bick and pick ui a crumpled envelope he has thrown upon the sidewalk; farther along another policeman orders him to move on, when he is merely standing in front of a show window trying to decide upon a while vest; near his home he is ordiered to go n round the bluck by a third policeman who is guarding the fire lines -a barn In an ictley is burning; at his gate he is met by the tax ussessor. and when he enters the house he Is given a notice from th health department to cease throw ing rubbish in the alley. Instead of writing his address, he writes a letter canceling the engagement. A Tip. The peron with the long hilr and the fliw ing necktie sin at the table and reads and rereads a typewrltttn note. Finally he urns to ihe waiter who has brought hi lunch on and says: " Can't he!p filling happy today, my man. Just got a note from an ditor accepting the first poem I have ever sold." " Yes. sir." says the deferential waiter. ' Makes a mnn feel Joyful more than Joy -lul. I can't describe the strange thrill of ix u'lation that possesses me." " Yes, sir? Something. I should presume t" say, like a pusson feels when he gets his flr?t t!p." Stingy. " There goes old Scrimpem. Did you he ir v hat he did last fourth of July?" "No," pajs the person who has to ask the necessary question. " What did he do last fourth of July?" " Got some firecrackt rs for his children an l nit. de them shoot them off in a soundproof box In the cellar. Said lie wasn't going to be fo extravagant as to buy noise for all the neighbors." Ingenious. " Yes," says the narrator of the story, " we got Into the boat and rowed out to the Island, t ight miles away, and then we climbed up the bill to get the view. Along about noon we v, ent back to t he bi ai h. a nd to our consterna tion discovered that the boat hid bceom-i loose from Its moorings and bad drifted across the bay to the oilier t Kit ." " Wasn't that awful!" exclaimed the girl with the sympathi tic lyes. " Yes. There we were, eight miks from the mainland, with no means of communicating with our frit, mis." "Terrible'" said the girl with the drop stitch waist. "What were we to do?" "What, Indeed?" echoed the girl with the fluffy psyche knot. " Kight miles from the main land, the day drawing to a close, no food, no shelter, and no way of get ting word to our friinds How were we to g t that boat over the yawning waste of wattr that sep arated us from shelter and com fort?" "Hut you are hire now. so you must have got the boat at last " said the girl with the calm, self controlled expression. " Well, after sizing up the situa tion. we sat down and talked it over." Historical. " And what other great event of the past happtiud on the fourth of bily?" asks the teacher. The freckled boy in the rear seat lifts his hand. " You may tell us, pieddie." " Po New Yorks beat de I'hillks nine to nuttin'." P " But, papa, I don't see why we need to study these problems about the man who sold his wheat for one-fourth of what his corn was worth, and from both sales he made a profit of $200. How much corn and wheat did he sell? " " Of course you can't see the good of it now, Johnny. But in later life these problems will all come back to you when you realize how much they have helped you." " Well, papa, do you remember the answer to this one? " " Why er . Run along, child. Don't you see I am read ing the paper?" No. patient inquirer. When we refer to " tl.e gooil old wines " we do not mean the ones that wete written two months ago nnd became old two wet ks s'noe. One of the most popular ponvi rsation alists we know- hatd! ever sa s much more than " You're- looking mighty well today." ' !f a girl delights in driving nails, painting ft nets, nnd doing otlur woik which usually Is done by a man. we say she Is unconventional; if a boy shows a tendency to do embroidery, or evi n plain sewing, we talk about s tiding him to a sanatorium. In the hands of a man entirely great the pen Is mlghtnr than the sword; ami In the hands of a w ar corn spotith nt the typewriter Is busier than a whole army. Kver notice that when you go some wnere to see the natural set r.ie womb rs of the place you tltul that the natives have gone elsewhere to see something that is not half so attractive? There are two varieties of unhappy married women. The first marries a man for his money; the second for his looks. When we want to let our whole heart surge out in sympathy, we turn the tide if cur feelings toward the child who lias discovered that Its parents expect it to say bright things all the time. Funny. Isn't it. that a man with big muscles In his arms can't even write a letter wit hout taking off his coat ? If the men who put In so much time writing the declaration of Independence had had tin Ir eyes opt n to the possibili ties of this country they would have pooled Issues and organizid a Artworks trust. It Is just as patriotic to pay taxtsas to shoot liricrackt rs. but burning money In fireworks makes ni. re smoke. HHij! w. ilttArW" QsyWbAuuxAwyt "But." says the devoted wife. "I cannot under stand why you need be so fearfully jealous of Mr. Otherbow." "Well, why doesn't he stop paying" sttentions to you now that we are married ? " sska the hus band. "It's enough to make me jealous." "But. my dear, he was just as jeslous of you before I married you." Yes, you've gotten along pretty well in the world, nnd you wear a Prince Al bert coat and a silk hat every day. and people always call you " Mr.," and the papers print your name on an average twenty times a week, but deep down in your heart you know there was a time when you could only attract attention by rocking the bout at a Sunday school picnic. PRIDE OF KNOWLEDGE, , - " What's the old lady saying ? " "Says she'll teach us to scratch her garden up. Let her go ahead with the lesson. she must be a bird." If she knows any more about it than we do NOT A GOOD SIMILE. " O, Miss Kasoopt r." said the youth who was determined to be gallant even if he burst a blood vessel, " your pink veil is becoming." " Is it?" asked Miss Kaaooper, languidly. " Indeed, yes. 1 suppose you wear a pink veil for the same reason that the fruit dealers fasten pink gauze over the peaches they display to tho Interested observers." " Hut." remarked Miss Kazooper, turning with a cold shoulder air, " tlio.se pink veils are always put over green peaches, are they not?" And the youth who would be gallant afterwards deelaretl that It was (juite the sudtb nest cold wave of the summer. The Brutal Husband Again. COMPLETE. " What have you there?" we ask of our neighbor w hn we see him bringing home a new piece of machinery. " Another lubor.isvlns; contrivance for the house." he tell us. " Another? hat can you possibly need? Already uu hav itif-wlnding- clocks, self lighting and f- ding stoves, uelf-dust ins fur niture. iM if-muklng buds, and self playing Instrumt ntf, and goodness only knows how niany o'her self-operating thing, from a self-swinging hammock to a self-locking cel lar door." " Yes, but this la an automatic. s-lf-regu-latir.g phonograph which will swear fluently for me whenever any of the other .lf-cper-ating machines gets out of order." vWjrjlijF -?&:r- ,iV "I heard the lady of the house say that if we could only talk a little more we would be twice as valuable." "And I heard her husband say if she would only talk a nnttmitm reduced to tirst principle having jour right ug cut off and giad it was not both, little less she would be twice as valuable." CONSIDERATE. After clambering over the feet of the obstinate person who holds the end of the seat in the trolley car the lady makes several audible re ntal ks about end seat hogs. Ai iliis the other passengers titter, where at the obstinate person arises, bows, and says suavely: " Pardon me, niudani, but in retaining this seat I was merely acting upon motives of gallantry." "Gallantry! Humph!" the lady sniffs. " Yes, madam, with all due respect to your judgment, gallantry. Far be it frm me to nllow a lady even unconsciously to place herself in a position where those who want to get aboard the car next would refer to her even Inatidibly as un end seat hoggess." Saying which, he sat down, ei d the car rolled on in silence. IN THE FUTURE. " Is there anything interesting in the magazines this month?'" asks patron of the newsdealer. " O, yes," respondtd the newsdealer. " Here's one that has an article on bridge building, acuther with a long account of the presidential inauguration, another with a symposium on market gardening, and all of them have special articles on the news of the week." " l!ut 1 wanted some good short stories and serials." " Well, I guess you'll have to take a bunch of daily papers if that's what you want." UNCONVENTIONAL. " And you will wait for me, darling?" whispered the hero. The heroine biudod the floor for a moment, then looked up with a glance that conveed the impression that she was undecided. " Y'ou will wait for me?" the hero begged. No, gentle rtadti. Don't get all stirred up aud fancy that the hero was off for the wars to wrest fame and glory on the hotly contested field, or was about to plunge head first into the maelstrom of business to wrench wealth from the grasping hands of the world, and then after many years come back and lay his honors and his fortune at the feet of this fair young idol of his affections. Keep cool, and listen to her. " I'll wait a little while, rercy," the heroine remarked. " but If ou can't get here by 7 o'clock I'll go on down to the church social with pa and ma, and you can come up there to take me home. It's a shame you have to work after closing hours, isn't tt?" X-HX Lacked Sporting Blood. " What is the meeaning of ' tempus fuglt '?" asked the man with the pessimistic face. " "Time flics,' " explained the individual with the sage expression. " Time flits?" sniffed the ottier. " Who the dickens wants to time the pesky things? Seems to me these scientists wa.-te a lot of energy"." FAMILIAR QUOTATION. "The poets have sunt; the praises or dispraises of almost every bird ami beast." stated the pro fessor of literature, "with the exception of the humble niule. It Is strange. Is it not. that this faithful, patient, lumr suffering beast of biird.-ii has not been used as a thcnie? Tho horse is tie central thought in many " " But the mule has been used as the inspir it Ion for one of the best known poems in the Knglish language," Interrupted the new member of the class. " Indeed?" asked the professor. "May I request you to inform us of that poem?" " Yes, sir. It is Annie I.aurle.' " Annie Iaurle?" " Yes. sir. The first line says that Maxwelton's braes are bonny. I presume Maxwelton is the name of Annie's mule." SURE. " I've invented a very useful article, said the man with the long hair and the collarless shirt. " Why don't you get it on the market?" asked the man with the polka dot Vest. " Can't think of a good name for the tiling. Want a name that will at once suggest Its nature and use, and at the same time will lie catchy and easily re ft numbered." "What is the invention?" " It's a small contrivance which you fasten to your umbrella ha mile. and which raises the umbrella at t lie simple pressure of a button." "Why. that's easy. Call It an umbit llavator." HIS SYSTEM. The maker of proverbs smiled happily as he bent over his desk. " This Is simple." he mused. " 1 can take one subject ami w ork It up into any number of piovubs." So saying, he wrote: " Time Is money." " Time flies." " Riches take wings." HIS SI OX A TV RE, What Is the delay?" asktd a reporter who was waiting In the anteroom of Independence hall while the declaration of indt pen- dence was being signed. " I understood that t lie document would be filled out and n ady to be bunded to the press long heft re this." " They haven't all written their names to it yet," explained the patriot who had come out to get some fresh air. " losiiig heart ?" " No. Had to send for more ink. John Hancock used up the last half of the bottle for his signature." Nu doubt ulien Rip Van Winkle woke from his twenty years' .sleep his wile wub Mill luikiliK about huw hard it wan tu get aeouk- SIZING HIM UP. Our friend in. iHspiptic pi rson with the tun i on ii.' I -v l.-i'f. sits gloomily upon the tree trunk by ilo iiKe and it owns at the crowd of no ri in tin i s wIki have coino to the syl v a n li.t ijii i upon a picnic. " !si e thai pop t yetl joung fool in the .-: i iii tl s, , is tic in r suit ?" he asks, We s. e a vi ting man in a striped suit, and say so. but .In to t nltt .aether agree with him as to the n st ef his st. itt nu nt. " No matter." he simps, young t'.i. . ju-1 ' he . .line, lias done slnct that crow d has shot an unlomhd pl.-tol only 1 1 i 1 1 1 tl soint bed s t a ropes of two liMtr.moi !;.-; 1 the ice cream ; and in s lo water rocking a 1" at. ie'11 be fool enough b Hi's a pop i veil K now w hat he tile 1,1 it ? lie nt by good luck he has cut the lias put salt In tit there on the What tin you suppose lo next ?" We nu rely yawn that we are not a good guess r. " Well." he growls, slapping at a mosquito, " I'm w illing to bet such a plumb idjit as lie is will propt se to somebody before begets home." Then a silence ensues, broken only by the wailing of some Wiildn n w ho want to go back to town and the shrit ks of the two girls who are in the boat that Is being rocked. IT ALL DEPENDS. it? A' -iVl''J$- man emite nlontc here A vvhlle tiK'i nnil Mnlil I looked koimI eiionsrti to vnt." ' Well, If he enta ynu hi future Imppl imn ilepenilK tin how svood he has been." An Observant Man. " Now." said t he architect, " hi re are plans and specifications for a neat and c tnfi rtable suburban homo that will cost ?:'.0ii." " J can't ufford to put up any such house as that." says the caller. " l!ut It only figures up to g.'i.tim." " I know, but I've noticed such things, and don't feel able to attempt tl.e erection, of a :Umi house when 1 only have flii.tsjo at my di.-posal." iflt v i v. sa a. jlHtJMOK C. 'An Alphabet of Jo&gs (1 is the Spinster Joke, ts veil is the familiar "Sisier-to-yon," Likewise the Summertime hotel Where everyone conspires to do yon; It is the fierce Sea Serpent Jest Whose lenyth make tha sailors blow so; The Seamstress, too, who says with zest: "My business Is only sew sew." It is the Soup vhlch holds the fly; 'Tis the Soubrelte from every box eyed Who vows that she would simply dye Before she'd ever U3e ptroxiiie. It is the Singer-here again We list this Jest among the true ones: "I cannot sing the old songs." Then Somebody shouts "Nor the new ones I"