0
It fntiig Hint when
a e rr p i r can't g t
I" ' to M'n 1o a
n. 1 1 i't, h r. v ot he r way
hi rn; it a " NfW
Nilioneil Hymn "
The Sop o the JWornin'. By W. 2). Nesbit.
tint en (Vr i l! . i
hard : ; r f 'if I of
Jll'V c'atot g. t at . ut
n j t It id t It g ii "ii
tin Hste tilt b to tin,
HIS PROTECTION.
A Mforr v
(A :: -
f-XX'i
" I notice no boys ever attempt to tie fire
crackers to Bruiser's tail."
" No. One look at his face is sufficient
to cause them to change their minds about
such a trick as that."
" I should think half a look at his tail
would be just as efficacious."
WE CELEBRATE.
Upon the Fourth day of July
Wt get our auto and we fly
Acron the land In booming ityle,
Careening on for mile and mile.
And why It It that thus we got
Became we love our country so.
Some of ui alio seek the field
Where curvei and Inshoots are revealed;
We whoop and yell and madly root
Ai down to third the runneri scoot.
Why do we cheer the bataman'a blow!
Because w love our country so.
Borne of ui find the picnic grove,
Which li ai hot ai any itove.
And there we view with itartled eyes
The ants and epidera in the pies
Why do we gather freckles! O,
Because we love our country so.
Still others sit within the hall
And hear the famous speaker bawl
In fiercely patriotic moods
The same time honored platitudes.
And why Is this? Ah, you must know.
Because we love our country so.
SURE TO TALK THERE.
" We are greatly worrii d about Luetic,"
sas !l.c fond iniitliif. " 1 bite she' has be
come to silent. She simply n fu-f to say a
word. We have tried in ty i xn Ui. tit to In
duce In r to talk, but nothing ffims to In of
any avail."
" (ii I ui. a theater party." advises Hie wise
nlil flii ml r.f the family.
" Tak" l,i r to .-re a show that
has lo's of sci Mrs whi re the
actors sp.ak in underbill, s.
put l:i r in a box and she will
In- sure to chatter away at
the top cf her voice at
once"
PERHAPS.
" Yes," says the poet, "I wrote a beautiful ode to
our country, and would have been RlaJ to read it
at the exercises, but the chairman of the celebration
committee would not give me a place on the program."
"Ah," commented the crass materialist, " maybe
he wanted to have a safe and sane Fourth."
dropping lirr head upon the
otic so young arid fair can
loiin words?"
Heroic Treatment.
In the midst of a wild country the train comes to a sudden halt.
Ki nit- or live tierce men wearing masks hoard the curs and compel the passengers to
yield up tluir money anil valuables.
After the robbers decamp tile passengers begin e'ondoling one with another. All, that
is, i xc pi "in' pet son who i'H in a neat ly himself and smiles feebly.
" Why do you smih '.'" asks one of the victims. " Are ynu glad you were robbed? Are
you one of those confounded optimists?"
" I don't know whither it not I am an optimist." responds the man with the fereble
smile. " but 1 cannot help thinking that the loss of that vacation money has saved me a
1, t of worry and discomfort. 1 was on my way to the f tottitandkecpit summer hotel for
a mouth and now 1 will have to go back home and take things easy."
He Couldn't Understand.
" ." said the fair young thing, when the cannun crackers began to boom and the rock
ets to cleave the air, "those terrific noisi s always frighten me half to death. 1 alwayH
fc . I as though 1 must cling to some Ntnmg, sturdy protector, and "
"llovi fm lislil" observed the practical young man, whose name, by the way. wan
l.uiiMieil. "There isn't the slightest danger If you do not go too close to the explosives.
W'onieii arc continually seating themsilves over a lot of trivial "
ISut the fair yu.ung thing had pouted and excused herself, saying that she saw a friend
across the lawn. 4
Later. In the rockets red glare, Mr. l.unkhed saw her clinging like the Ivy to the
oak aga'nst a staiwait young man who sei mod to be thoroughly convinced that she was
frightened out of a year's growth.
-ws w - a -- - i r
An Alphabet
of JoKes
IS the Rusty Rnfus quip
To Weary Wagqles it is kin
And it bears a rolatior.3hip
To all the hoboes that have been.
Take one back window, where a pie
Das bean sot on the ledge to cool;
Let Rusty Ruius turn his eye
Toward the pie, and sigh : " How crool I
"In yonder house there is a bride
I fear tbis is her first attempt.
From one first pie I wish I'd shied
For awful wore the things I "dreamt."
Let Rusty Ruius turn to go
And give his head a doleful shake
With.: " Not for me, for well I know
The first pies mother used to make."
Thoughtful Woman.
The family picnic has reached the selected dixit. It la eight miles from nowhere. Papa
puts down the busketa and package with a aigh of relief.
" Now, children," he says, " we will begin the festivities of the afternoon by shooting
our fireworks."
Laying out the cannon crackers and other things, he cautions the children to be care
ful, while he searches through his pockets for matches. Finding none, he hastily turns
over all the bundles and packages, then says:
" Mamma. 1 put a box of matches In one of these baskets. Pld you see anything of it?"
" Yes, niy dear."
" W here is It?" ,
" Lucked in the pantry at home. 1 have read so murh about terrible nccldents happen
ing because matches were, kept near fireworks that 1 was determined to remove all pos
kilulity of such a thing occurring if it could be prevented."
Rut for genuine Ingrown patriotism commend us to the man who will carry a heavy
picnic basket from the end of the trolley line to the grove tills year, after having done
the same thing last year and the year before.
'Bound to Get It.
tea
His Fate.
" You are my hero," whispers the beauteous maiden
bosom of the handsome youth.
" Alas!" moans the handsome youth. " I'an it be that
be so cruelly heartless as to tell me my fate In such, friv
"What can you mean?" nks the beauteous girl
" You say I am your hero?"
' Yes, and you "
" Then that means that within a week you will be giving me the laugh."
Avoided Injury.
Are ynu the gentleman who compiled that list of household remedies that every
family should lay in against possible accidents on ;he fourth'.'" asks the man with
the mayonnaise whiskers, approaching the d"sk of l.i" atisw ors-f or-the-eager editor.
" I believe I am, sir," replies that individual.
"Then, sir, wish to compliment you upon your foresight. Your advice saved my
family from any Injuries at all."
" I am glad to hear that."
" l'es, sir. By tho time I had bought the arnica and the camphor and the ban
dages and the listerine and the first aid for the injured packages and all the rest
of the stuff I didn't have any money left to buy fireworks with."
WOULD FIND OUT.
"Cruel boya! How do you suppose a human
a terrific, frightful explosion as tliat behind Kim?"
" Wait jest a minute, mister, an you 11 nnd out
Changed the Program.
How', it come you ilicii.'t liavi no greased
pig at your four h of July ceo In a tint, ? ll.n.k
said ou fi I low s was goin' to gnase the I'lrf
so sin k r.obody cou!d i-atch It."
" W is goin' to. but had tuoinlt the greased
pig runibir from the program."
" II w's that?"
" Couldn't none of u catch t he pig to grease
It."
MIGHT AS WELL.
We're lure to rise, all blithe and gay,
Before the iummertime It .urough
To ask It 8o, here troet tertty.
This: Ii It Hot Enough for You I
v-w
S'ature's Reproof.
" Them smart ah eks over at Windville
got pretty Will punished for their tin anni s'
in saying that they didn't want I. "IK of our
rlt iZ'T.s to cuine to l heir tow n to si e t he four; h
of July doings." says the citizen of Pri i z.
town. Kansas.
" What happentd?" aks tin visitor.
"Long about T o'clock in tlniv r.ing tip
cotne a cyclone that naturally bh w i'acir
cell bra; ion committee a ml a 1 1 I l.eii til w i ir.
over In-re. a nd Just as tlo y si ruck 1 In g' oiiad
i flash of lightning set off the w hoi. h... ting
match and we got to see the who!, l.ow
without moving out of out front yards."
THE SATISFiED AUTHOR
I never had a helpful book;
I never hope to need one
But I can tell you. as to that,
I'd rather write than read one.
Not Explicit Enough.
The calm, suave stranger nib is (he ntllec
of the busy man. ami inquiri s;
"Sir. may I Imiuiie if ou have y t do
eidi d where you will spend ' l.e bea I id 1 1 rm ?"
The buy man looks up from his desk for
u moment, tin n asks:
" Hi fore 1 answer that question, tell me
whither you a re the agi tit for a summer re
sort or a revivalist."
IT IS.
" Hands Off " thus read the fireworks sign.
But he was so Inclined to scoff :
Ho held a fiercely sputt'ring mine
And now the most of his hand's off,
It Is unnecessary to say that when the
spi aki r states
that " it Is unto c
essary to say "
something he goes
aln. id nnd says
the unnecessary
thing.
We love our
country, but we
do wish our coun
trymen would not
get up at 4 in the
mornirp and be
gin burnir.g fire
crackers by way
of avowirg their
pair iotic affec
tion. As soon as the
ca en is discovi r
a germ In the fire
cracker, patriot
ism will come to
the same commer
cial basis as ap
ptndkiti i.
One of the greal
e s t disillusion
nietits in life is to
get all wotkeilup
over the " near to
nature's heart "
Idea and then
come face to face
Vlth a p. i li
old fashioned In
dian. ,
CUNNING.
beinr would feel with
eucr
THE YOUNG MOTHER.
"Have you any fireworks suitable for small children ?"
asks the young mother.
" Yes, ma'am," answers the dealer. " We have some
splendid firecrackers, Uomnn candles, and all Buch things."
" Hut 1 fear my little boy is not old enough for them."
" Then here are some plnnheels. anil"
" O, the very thing! Have you some safety pinwhecls?
My little boy Is not yet a year old."
A SUGGESTION.
After we have dodged around the corner and have left be
hind us the gay party on the lawr. where the giddy young
girl Is endeavoring to help set off the fireworks, our friend
turns to us and says:
" It would make a bully subject for a debating society,
wouldn't It?"
"Wouldn't what?" we ask,
straightening our necktie.
"Resolvid: Thai a Woman Can
Pi) More Damage with a Ri man Cau
dle Than with a Harden Hose."
We have com tn the conclusion that
four-fifths"! f to lime of a proless onal
athlete Is taken up In being photographed.
We know one
little boy who will have to contend with his lather, two grand
fathers, four uncles and the man that lives next door for the
privilege of setting off his fireworks.
One phase of ambition is that which prompts a man to own a
sixty-horse power auto in a locality where he can't use over
twenty horse-power to save his life.
The most remarkable feature of set piece fireworks which
represent portraits of famous men. battleships, and the like, Is
that they never look anything like the subjects.
There are some men who tstem fitted for no other thing than
conducting picnics.
A woman may rule her husband with an iron rod, but we
never heard of one who Insisted, upon showing the children how
to set off thtir Artworks.
i
alt 1 1 war i Ifv
" I've got a box of cannon firecrackers to take along."
"Cannon crackers? And what will we do with
them?"
" Every time wo hit anybody we will touch off a fire
cracker and throw it beside him. Then the people that
find him viil think he is merely another victim of care
less celebrating."
O SAY, DID YOU EVER?
O, say, can vou sing mi our land's natal day
What the bands at full strength lire expressively playing?
Can you start at the lirst at tliat oi.Moti " . say,"
W hile tlie t riiiiilione the air is full joyously braying?
Ami the tuba's wild toot ami tin' siiriel; of the llute
Itun riot with glee in our national air
O say, did you ever lol-.'et I'll! lieculiie
Ami wind 1 1 1 with a leeble t iitn-t inn, te, ttitn-ltiin?
You start out with the band on "), say, can you see,"
And your voice gets a shake that is really thrilling
" What so proudly we hailed at the tutu ty te tee,"
.lust to show that to help in the sung you nri' w illing.
Then you eclm the ilruiii with a nun tuni te tutu
..ml you look at your neighbor to see he is mute.
Ami "tlie star spangled banner." yon sing, then you hum.
And oncludi' w ith a "(11111" with (lie alto's last toot.
(), thus it is ever when out comes tln luitul
To render the niitlietn that Key wrote so bravely.
The lender starts IhitiL'S with 11 wave of his hatnl
Anil you sing "O say," like a patriirt, gravely.
Then you wonder what next and your mind i perplexed
And you rub at your chin 11s though needing shave.
O say, did you ever forgetful lieconii'
Anil wind up with a feeble tuni-tiini .to turn-turn:
COMMITTED HIMSELF.
" My dear Miss Oledgurl." says Mr. Latch, " I understand that you
have sued me for breach of promise."
" Yes, sir," crisply responds Miss Oledgurl.
" Tut is there not some mistake?"
"Mistake? No, indeed."
" Why, you know I never even mentioned; matrimony to you."
" O, yes you did."
" When and w here?"
" At the Fourth of July exercises."
" At the Fo "
"Yes, sir. Didn't you read Patrick Henry's address during the pro
Kram?" " I did, but"
. 4 v v ........
Little rienry s blate.-
shout: 'Give me liber
ty or give me death?' "
"Of course, but I"
" And wasn't I the
goddess of liberty?"
SHORT,
"What in the world arc you going to do with a
Jiving suit. Dliggs?"
"Going to spend the Fourth in a nice, cool, quiet spot."
A Most Remarkable Thing.
A very remarkabla thins;
I sin(
Concerning Aurellus Blye.
He furnished his girl and his boy
Much joy
With fireworks the Fourth of July.
Firecrackers, torpedoes that's what
He bought
Skyrockets and candles of . .ome,
Inventions productive of hums
And bombs,
And fountains of fiery foam.
He carried them into his lot
And got
Some matches for touching them off.
He said: "I will show you right nor
Just how
The rockets should set In the trough."
The children declared they were glad
Their dad
Would make all the fireworks explode,
Aurelius bent over to scratch
A match.
And Just how to strike It he showed.
He smiled : "Bee the flame. It pursues
The fuse
Until It gets Into the charge,
And then with a vigorous whisx
It Is
A-romping the h"-ens at large,"
The children exclaimed In delight
The night
Was pierced by the rocket that rose.
They set up the merriest shout
About
The sputtering sparkings and glows.
He fired off the lot one by one
Such fun for
The children there never was known.
He didn't blow off with a bonu
His thumb,
Get burned and In misery groan.
And so this remarkable thing
I sing
Concerning Aurelius Blye
Whose children were glad that he
Shot the lot and
They never murmured. That's why!
lv VfK.-'VVina f H V 'Jk- 'mre&&'&ni
I If. NJDf ...
"Where are you folks going to spend
the summer ?"
"At home."
" But you usually go away, do you not?"
"Yes, but Mr. Stoxenbonds wis squeezed
In May wheat and now he says he has
nothing but tlie Summer to spend."
Somebody ought to write a book
educating ho.-U anl l.i.ilt sss In
tin tact that tin i t Is a diffi rtlici
In tw 1 1 n 1 rti rtainlng pi ople and
rpi tiding money on them.
It is harder to walk ten miks
than to do a day's washing, but no woman
e-ver callid a day's washing physical culture.
We know a man who can trace his ances
tors back to William the Conque n r. and bis
ancestors would not care e nuugh about l.im
to trace him to the 1:111 coiner.
Another complaint you can make against
the neighbois is that t heir fir e wot ks usually
m;.ke to much iwise you cannot hear your
own.
Johnny's Celebration.
Upon that glorious morning
He shot off one big bomb,
Two packs of cannon crackers,
Three fingers and a thumb.
The Reason.
" Everybody." says the candid friend to the
fourth of July orator. " everybody set rued to
enjoy jour address to the utmost."
" Knj. y it'.'" asks the orab'r. with a dis
gusted :.:r. " Why. those cor.fouini.il bar.iN
and car,!. 1 ns and t hings kt pt up such a racket
not a soul in the audience could hear a word I
said."
" Possibly," says the candid frb nd. " pos
sibly that is why they seemed to enjoy your
addre ss so much."
A Cure lor Egotism.
" Daritt. who achieved so much fame by his
lira very In Culm." iibserves the individual
who concerns himse lf over the cadilloes
of others, "appears to be suffering ft. m .1
severe case of swi lled head. It s (00 bad
none of I. is friends can give him a gi nth hint
that he Is not so gleat as hi imagine s "
" We've got it all hxe d." says the listen r.
" We're going to t iki I itn to the tltiwerks
dlsylay aid let I im m e w hat a bliil.et u g
chump he 1 1 ks in the set puce that Is ad
vi 1 Used as a portrait of him."
1 1
When a man hangs
a flag on his house he
cannot help thinking
that every one who
passes will muse:
" What great patriot
lives here?"
Hnlel men talk more
than anybody else
about baldness.
HELP.
1
This is my fourth of July costume. Isn't
it fetching?"
"Rather, but then everybody wiU be sure to
believe the rumors that you are trying hard to
strike a mutch."
