If wo re Luther
Burbank we should
rrart the oyster and
tomato plant with
the pepper plant and
raise oyster cocktails.
The Top o' the Mornin. W. . JVeshit
The only time snme
folk will ngrre with
you l when you my
you have made a foot
of yourself at differ
ent times.
HIS POINT OF VIEW.
ifiiY n
h a Mr1
hi vmmmm
wen, aaiu nr. uuiii, iiiesc ait. o J1-w ...
and certainly should be the last person to say anything disrespectful
True to Her Belief.
We meet the lady dress reformer. She Is
dressedi In a gorgeous, filmy, all-over I lee
creation, and. really, looks pretty II.
Nonetheless, we arc surprised, and say so.
"8urpnscd?" slu asks, pnttily.
"Crrtainly. Pidn't you say that ou
would wear nothing but common -isc g.rl
hereafter?"
"Of course. And anybody with common
n nse would know this dress is a bargain at
the price I got It for."
ji Warning.
The merchant prince, old Isaac Bllmmer,
Than whom no person could be (trimmer,
Declared: "I'll Are that wlnd-v trimmer
Unless ha trims the window t.immer."
The Habit Was Strong.
" Did you bear nbout Jlhlot and the way
hp was cured of kleptomania?" asks tin
gentleman with the discouraged must ache.
" No." replies the pi nth man with the sur
plus of fri ckh s. " What did lv take for It?
So soon as th" gentleman with the suiplu
of frrckb s has ceased laughing at his J.ikc
(whli h si e). the one with 1 1 discourage.
mustache replie:
"That's Jusl It. lie mole the medicine
that cured liliu."
of them, but surely they are a tunny-looking bunch of people
COMING FINANCIAL GENIUS.
ii
A man signing himself "Hen
Feck," and waiting In a dis
guised hand, asks us to pub
lish Hn article asserting that
Coin's punishment was to
marry a woman to the- Land
of Nod and live with his
wife's folks, but we deelin
to b drawn into a tlx-olns;
leal dispute.
The first time a man wenrf
pajamas he lies awake half
the night, hoping there will
tie a fire or something in the
neighborhood that will give
him an excuse to run outdoors
w here every one can set him.
Mad Pursuit of Wealth.
"Talk about frenzied finance," says the
street car conduetor to us :is he comes out
to the back platform. "Talk about frenzh d
fl "
" Thank you." we reply, chillingly. " but
we have no desire to cuti r into a discussion
of "
" Wei!, say, you ought to take a look at
that woman with the bundles in her lap.
She rouid only find four pi litres in In r purse,
and now she's hunting through all them
packages and her shopping b ig for the other
penny, wondering to l.ersi If all the time
where in the name of goodness it could huve
gul to."
WHICH?
I ri 1
The Marvelous Echo of Mingo's Neck.
There Is lots of sleep lost by folks writing-lullabies.
They say you have nine lives,"
said the little girl to her cat "I
don't know whether you are lucky
It all depends
have to pay
life insurance
or not. Papa says
upon whether you
on nine
premiums
policies."
iw . Al .
An Alphabet
of JoKes
When I grow up, mama, I'm going to go to
that land where those little heathens live that
the preacher told us about today."
"As a missionary, Freddie? How lovely
that "
"No. mama." I'm going to start store and
get the pennies all the boys and girls keep sending
those heathens."
We know a man who can look a month old baby In
the face and declare that It Is the most beautiful child
he h.'W ever seen. Yet this man has never been called to
a high diplomatic post. Talent Is often unappreciated.
IS the Qnery Joke indeed
The Qnery it no joke at all
To those of ns who daily read:
" How soon should I return a call?"
"What will take freckles from my nose?"
"What is the mileage to the moon?"
"What shall I wear -from hat to hose
For weddings In the afternoon?"
0, aye, the fretfnl wedding guest -
Bound to an afternoon affair 1
For years he's asked how to he dressed,
What coat and tronsers he should wear.
And day by day he has been told
The proper vest and tie and hat,
Which glove to wear and which to hold.
And Low to knot his gray cravat.
Perhaps the ancient mariner
Of whom 'tis told he stopped the three,
Was real'y stopped by them with "Sir,
On our attire we can't agree."
The joke that is not all a joke
Is this that comes in late or soon:
" What's the right dress for gentle folk
At weddings In the afternoon?"
0
If cloihes do not
make the man. we
should like to know
why the average man
looks ns he does In a
bathing suit.
No. child, you are
not alloget her ci rri ct.
It is this way: A m ws
paper man is one who
has worked at the
trade long enough tc
know that he Is a Jour
nalist; a Journalist Is
one who has worked
at it loriK enough to be
a newspaper man.
Yes, it Is an easy busi
ness to learn.
Many an otherwise
great public caret r Is
spoiled because the
one who figures In It
lacks the Ingenuity to
tiilni: no popular
phrases.
It Is a poetic thought
th.it the reaper har
vests the (lowers of
the field along wtth
the bearded grain
but It Is the bearded
grain that makes
things lively In the
stock market.
O. see the man. H?
has lost two ringer",
has he not ? Yes. he
has. Possibly when
he was a little b,.y he
Fhot off firecrackers
and was thus injured.
No? Ah. can It be?
Yes. He lost his rin
gers last year wlul
showing his little hoy
how to explode tire
works In safety.
The average youth's
Idea of success Is get
ting a thousand dol
lars for ten dollar'
worth of work.
Kvery man shudders
when he Warns that
the wife of a friend
has purrhased some
thing for the house
that Is in w and use
less. Me does not
shudder In sympathy
wtth his frimd. but
because he knows he.
too. must pay for one
of the new and useless
things before anothi r
week.
- -
It must be hard tj
be rich uough to have
four or five automo
biles and then have
your doctor order you
to uk long; walks for
your health.
NOT JIN INCEN&IVE TO ECONOMY.
The man who talks
must about having no
faith In doctors is the
one who will be the
angriest when the phy
sician falls to come at
breakneck speed when he
Is summoned.
Somehow or nthr a
prosperous book agent
always impresses us In
much the same way as a
successful gambler.
Many a man makes a
lucky blunder and gets
credit for good Judgment.
-
A woman who was
about to entertain i
guest hired two extra
maids because the friend
was nsi d to n great
deal of waiting upon.
Aid t hi n some one was
unkind enough to ask If
the frli ml Was coming to
visit the st i vnnts.
If your surplus above
expenses is only fifteen
dollars a year, devote at
least live dollars of that
to magazines which will
tell you how to manage a
country estate or a su
burban villa.
1",",,,,,aasssssJsJsssissssasassajJBWsssMsBMBissjssasBs
s
Lots of time is
wasted in un
neoessary talk.
Everybody ex
plains they have
eaten onions.
Mingo's neck Is n narrow strip
Of hills where the mountains gaily dip
In mock obeisance, as though somehow
Each made the other a stalely bow;
And there. Illie a wrinkle In earth's fair cheek
la the rocky bed of a barren creek.
Itefore the Neck Is the Mingo (lap
'TIs there that the rcluwa Were wont to wrap
Themselves In a writhing and tangled knot
When tourists would shout from the proper spot.
One day, when a man sought that eminence
He found the way barred by a high board fenco
On which was the legend In letters ipirer:
"J. MINtiO IS ltOSS OK Till! KtMIO HKRS.
THE WONOKItKl'l. Et'lloiny MINtlo'H NKt'K
PERFORMS AT THE RATH OF TKN CENTS FKR Et'K."
Thus, having abiding place and name.
The wonderful echo soon rose In fame.
And people would Journey from miles around
To shout, and tin n hear the replying sound.
Fo soon an a word on the Neck would whack
The natural wonder would Ming It back;
In answer sonorous II went across
The mountain It struck would give It a toss;
And rumbling and rolling both to and fro
".would leap till It dwindled all soft and low
And then with a fhial despairing shriek
Would dizzily drop In the barren creek.
Tor Instance, If you should approach the site
(First paying your dime, which was only right),
And shout quite distinctly: Hello! Hello:"
The answers would rise in u rhythmic (low:
Hello: eiio: hello: 'i:iio:
Helloh. llohcllo:"
Wnxlng mildly mellow
" llello-ello-ello Lo! Hello! 'Kilo!
Hell-ell-, Ho! 'El-el-el-lo!"
Then finding new life In a sharp rebound
The sound would go swift till a hill It found:
" HELLO! HELLO!
O Hello! 'Ello-ello-el-el-O-O-ello!"
And grumble and rumble and tumble and bellow:
" Hello! H"llo: O, hcl-el-el-ello:"
t'ntll at the last, with a shade of despair
It would linger and sway through the quivering air
And would swoon in a dulcetly whispering " o,"
All shattered and tattered to earth below.
'Twas wonderful. .yes! On that natural yell
Was founded the Mingo's Neck hotel
Where rates were high and the beds were hard
But where each day the piaiaas Jarred
In sympathy with the shouting heights
That formed the store of the guest's delights.
And then, when Mingo wns wnxlng fat
With weitlih for his charges for this and that,
For rooms, for meals, and for " extras served "
Were fixed by a steward nil Iron-nerved
He painted another announcing line
Across the face of the dingy sign:
the wonherffl who of minoos neck
performs at the rate of ten cents per eck.'
He palmed another announcement there
Concerning the echoes that split the air:
"THIS ECHO." he painted all boldly then,
"PERFORMS IN THE MORNINC, FROM S TO 10,"
And then he retlected. and painted more:
"THE AFTERNOON IHU RS ARE FROM '.' TO 4."
Thereafter th" guests w. re compelled to wait
Till the hands on their watches were lixed at ;
A couple of hours of Inspiring roar
And then they must wall till from 2 to 4.
lint still they all seemed to be satisfied
And hearked to the echo with Joy and pride.
One day It was morning and half past It
The crowd Waa assembled about the sign,
And each had paid In his .dinltting dime
Rut none not an echo in all that time.
They fretted and fumed and they shouted loud
But never an echo to thrill the crowd!
And while they were wondering what was wrong
And why they got nothlnn for shout or sotig,
Young Mingo the son of the echo's boss
Appeared on the Neck and came on across.
" Pa says." he explained, " that he sends regrets
For each of the echoes that no one gets.
Hut he's got a cold In bis neck and throat
And simply can't speak, or can't sing a note.
And so, please excuse hlin you've paid the price.
And when he gets well he will echo twice."
Today, In the brambles of
A tumbled down sign says
Considerate Man.
" There goes Flxem, the celebrated inventor."
" Who? That little man across the street?"
Yea. The on with the dent in his hat. Did you ever hear about his
consideration for his wife?"
" No; but, of course, lie would be kind to her."
" Sure. Rut she complained because he staid out bo lute at night and
Cwa"unghupfuhm.U'B0, Little HOITy'S SMte,
lit? uivi'iuru u finiiiu-
ffrauh attai'lnneni for
the clock so that every
hour after midnight It a
would recite for fit- f
teen minutes: 1 John A
Henry Flxem, this Is a '
pretty time of night U
for a respectable per- I
son to be coming home! Q
Where In this world'
have you been? Don't v
tell me that. I know,
you haven't been at r
the office. If you ever Jf
dare to come home this
way again I shall go home to my
gPMs-
1
I
Mrs. X. "Yes, I tried to make my husband economize in smoking, S3 I told him if he ever
smoked I would never speak to him again."
Mrs. Y.-"What was the result?"
Mrs. X. " His cigar bill was doubled the next month ."
And a whole lot more like that.'
The Misanthrope.
" Ah," we muse, sitting upon the steps of the porch of our neighbor, " Is
It not Inspiring to recall how but a few short weeks ago the garment of
snow shrouded the form of the earth, and then the first faint, green blailea
of C't81. sweet harhlngcrs of spring and summer, appeared?"
" I dunno," growls our neighbor, mopping
tils brow and contemplating the blisters on
his hands. " As soon as a man's back get
well of the ache from shoveling snow he has
to tax the same set of muscles pushing a
lawn mower."
Naturally Not.
" Yes." said the venerable person In the
hotel corridor. " I have voted for every re
publican president since the time of Lincoln."
" That's nothing," observed a shrewd look
ing person near by. " I have voted for al
most every candidate on everv ticket In this
city since 1686. but I pever say much about
It."
Higher Education.
"Our students." says th college presi
dent to the billionaire. " need education
along the lines of the benefit to the commu
nity of large families. Tha decrease in the
birth rate in this country augurs ill for the
future. I wish we might do sonvihlng to
Impress upon the minds of our scholars the
great truth that upon the home depends the
nation."
The billionaire thinks for a mom. nt then
reaches for bis check book.
" How would It do," he akks, " to endow a
chair of multiplication?"
Knew Her.
A
"I can't decide," she said, "whether to
to take the hat or not. But it is just the
dearest thing I have seen this season."
" The dearest ?" asked the husband, with a
sardonic laugh. "Then it's a cinch that
you'll take it."
LIKE A HORSE.
"Yes, Weekllng has lots of horse sense. That's about
all he has got." remarks the friend who Is discussing about
everybody in town.
"Then that's to his credit." we say.
" I don't know. It makes him easily led."
HIS POSITION.
" Did you ever hear a man who talked as much about
how he manages his household as Hlifferly does?" asks
Mr. Fadoogus. " He Is forever blowing his own horn."
" Yes." answers MeTlmms. " lie blows his own horn
away from home, but there he plays second fiddle."
why
the
GREAT DAY.
My sen." said the puiriotlc father, "can you tell me
the Fourth of July is the greatest day In the year?"
Sine." responded the lad.
1 And why Is It the greatest day In the year?" Inquired
patriotic fat her.
" Because tjiey always have two ball games one In the
morning und one In the afternoon."
REALISTIC.
" Yes. the manager of that theater defrauded us," de
clares the man who has just emerged from the lobby with
un air of disgust.
" He did?" asks a sympathetic bystander. "What did
he do?"
"Advertised that n beautiful girl would pose us 'The
Diver.' "
' And didn't she?"
" Yes. but she wore a regulation diver's suit made of
rubber, you know, with a big iron helmet, and an air
pump."
Mingo's Neck
" TKN CENTS PEH KCK."
WONDER OF WONDERS.
With a gasp the man to our left straightens up and
stares Intently at the magazine In his hands.
" If anybody had told tne, I would have said he was a
liarl" he asserts, in stupefied tones.
With an apologetic air. we inquire what has occa
sioned such surprise on his part.
" Why. here's a full page maga.ine advertisement that
absolutely- yes, sir. actually-hasn't a picture of a pretty
woman in it."
And. iinli-i d. he thrusts the magazine into our hands,
and we. too. marvel muchly at the utter unexpectedness
of the advertisement.
K.esented the Tact.
always hurts my feelings," asserts the sen-
I don't like his manners ut all."
liing Is one of the most considerate of men,"
" Melting
sltive person.
" Why. .Me
Bays the oilier.
" Maybe so. hut I ilon't thank a man who hurts my
feelings by always making It so plait) that he is trying to
avoid hurting them."
Dark Outlook.
mother. What will the neighbors Bay?
" I hope our children may be happy," sighed the mother
of the June bride to the mother of the June bridegroom,
"but I shudder at tlinis n In n I think that my child is
marrying a man who has written half the mother-in law
Jokes of this country for the last ten years."
' 1, too, hope they may be happy." replied the mamma
of the June bridegroom. " but I told Archibald not to ex
pect too much of a girl who bus made a reputation as a
hoturer on good housekeeping and sanitary cooking."
With mutual glares and good isle s, the respective
mothers-in-law stepped forward to weep on the necks of
their respective offspring.
Pessimism, boiled down,
somi bod tl.'v's bad luck.
is worrying over
SAID AND
DONE.
"O, I say, Biljums, would you give me just a
second of your time ?"
"Sure. You've had it. O'day."