A synopsis should
contain the cream
of m story, but some
timet It I merely
condensed milk.
T he Top o the Motnin. By W. to. fiesbii
11 ".in
Man l made ot
dust, anJ this Is the
time of the year
when his dust Is In
demand.
AMBITION.
IIIS
1 1
Young man, it should be your aim at
present to get a good start in life."
"I don't know, sir. Wouldn't it be
better if I laid my plans so as to be sure of
a good finish?"
I IN TRAINING
" I wish you'd send that biff dry goods box up to
my house," says the wealthy citizen to the fnrrchant.
" Glad to do It," replica the me rchant. " Going to
ship some goods of some sort away?"
" No. We're planning to send a few weeks In a
summer hotel, and heretofore Just about the time I'd
get really used to the room we'd be ready to come
liome. I'm going to begin sleeping and living In that
box now and by. the time we go away I'll be thor
oughly trained for the hotel rooms."
THOSE DEAR GIRLS AGAIN.
AS A FAVOR.
" There's Just one favor I'd like to nsk of yon,
doctor," said the patient when theybrought the cho-rofor-i
cone and prepared to operate on him for
appendicitis.
"Yes?" asked the doctor, arranging his Imple
ments. " If I understand It properly. I won't have any
sense of feeling at all after I yield to the Influence
of the chloroform?"
"None at all, sir. Certainly not a bit of feeling "
"Well, while you're at It, will you please pull the
porous plaster oft that Is right In the small of my
back. I've dreaded taking that thing off more than
I have being cut up for this appendicitis."
HIS DEGREE.
" Is young Hinkley going to tako a degree when
he livea c6Uege? " asked the man with the eaglt
eye.
" Yes; I hear they're going to give him the 32d
degree, Fahrenheit," Bald the man with the incan
descent whiskers. v
" Thirty second degree, Fahrenheit? I never
heard of that honor"
" Yes. He played freeze out so much that he
failed In his exams."
Too Much Like Business.
" No," said the lndy with the frizzled hair, when the currants were
passed to her at the summer boarding house, " I don't care for them."
" They're nice as if they were fresh," said the landlady. " I
canned them myself."
" I know they're all right, but I've Just finished an eighteen week
What Got Them.
The minister has labored lung and earnestly In
the effort to get the men In Ills audit nee to Join the
church. In glowing words he has described the Joys
of heaven, but the men still sit unmoved. At lat
an Inspiration flashes to the mind of the preacher
" Best of all, mlsgulu d brethren." he
cries. "I would tell you that In heaven
there Is never any houseclenning.
As one man the men come forwara ana
become members of the church.
(JAVE HIMSELF AWAY.
tour as the electrical won
der from Oeorgia, and I
'don't want to think of my
professional experiences at
all during my vacation."
H1N EXIBRT.
" Who is that gentle
man who Is giving such a
complete outline of his
plans for digging the Pan
ama canal?" we ask of the
native in the corner gro
cery. ' That? O, that's Jed
Mulklns. He's the fellow
that put In the drains In
'Squire Flinders' swamp
land so's they drained all
the water Into the 'squire's
front yard instead of Into
the crick."
What It Lacked.
They listen to the phono
graphic reproduction of
the voice of the great
- prima donna In the mar
velous aria from the grand
opera.
" Is It not perfect?" asks
I can fairly one.
" It's good," responds an-
"I suspected that you had been to several other,
bars." " One could not find any
fault with that, certainly."
" Still, there seems to be something lacking."
" What is it?" .
" I hardly know. O, I've got it. You can't hear the chatter In ths
boxes."
Has anybody ever explained why life In.
surance agents swnrm on a man .as soon
as he gets married?
DONT. WORRY VERSES.
"The de In In the hfr1tead,
The cat Is In the lake.
Tti"cnw la In the hammock
What rttnVrrnc r1"ef It mnkP? "
From Satisfied Songs of Homebody Els.
Th soap is In the batter,
The broom is In the hall.
The rugs have all been stolen
Why should yon care at all.
The cook li In the parlor
The dough li on the floor,
The cake Is full of thumb tacks
But why should you feel sore I
They've broken the piano,
Tbay threw It down the stair,
They've scratched the hardwood flooring
It does no good to awear.
The books are In the cellar
Above the furnace coal,
There's coal oil in the water
Why need that irk your soul!
It's raining on the bedspreads,
The sheets are In the mud.
The portieres are bedraggled
Why do you thirst for blood t
Two of the children missing!
The parrot has been killed,
The pictures have been stepped on
With joy you should be Ailed.
You fell Into the dishpans,
There's glue upon your hair,
They've sold your Sunday trousers
0, why be slaves to care!
In cleaning the flour barrel
They found a frightened mouse
But let us sing with gladness;
They're only cleaning house,
Self Confident.
" I shall, indeed, be proud if you will sing
my lullaby at your recital." says the com
' poser, handing the score of the composition
to the singer.
" But," ventures the singer, " why have
'... you marked the last stanza to be sung for
"But you can t believe word he says, tlsslmo?"
" I know il. He told me you were (be o, I did that so that the audience would
sweetest girl here tonight." fee awakened."
A R R A 1 D ?
:. J
nr-- sri-tlrr ' '" 1
C5 Svsr
i ,' I A ' i ; ' 'J
I V v
Mr wi
Mm -
vex--;. Mm
"Isn't the musio divine tonight!
drink It In."
It may bo all right to compel a boy to work from sunrise to sunsit
m the fields, but it is downright cruelty to compel him to learn that
song about " A farmer's life is the life for me."
Many a man who is a good risk for a life Insurance policy Is a
mighty bad risk for the premiums.
Too many of us base our opinion of country life upon the lmpras
slons we get from cold storage eggs.
Man, having at last decided upon his spring suit, is now ready io
read and laugh at the spring dress Jokes.
Little Henry's Slate.
HIS REPUTATION.
eta
" "O Mr. Proseigh, are you going to tell us a story? My papa says you tell some
dreadful stories."
"Why er ah now, Miss Vinnie I-ah J,
v "That wasn't all he said."
"No?"
"No. He said they were dreadful long.'k
"What should I call my pet dog?" asked the lissome
maiden of the slender youth.
"Give him a musical name. Call him Offenbach."
A Lesson in Household Economy.
"My dear," said Mr. Slnmsum, " I noticed a package of strawberries among the parrel
you brought home from your shopping trip."
"Yes," replied Mrs. Slamsum, "I got them "
"Of course you got them, or they wouldn't bo herp. I don't want to criticise, hut It
seems to me that after all my patient and gentle suggestions to you nlong the line of
economy in the household affairs, you would have exercised belter Judgment than to
buy strawberries at such a time as this."
" But they "
Now, wait just a minute. I'm not being harsh at all, and I'm not going to lose my
temper. I'm as considerate and self controlled as any man living, and I think I may nay
without boasting that I can express my mind on any subject where 1 feel thai I havi
not been shown sufficient consideration, without uttering n witrd that would injure the
feelings of a babe. I do not think that you show good judgment In investing In straw
berries at this season, because -"
" If you'll wait a minute I'll explain"
"There's no explanation needed, only that I will explain to you, as I have carefully
and patiently explained on an nverago of onco a week since wo were married, that I am
not a millionaire. I can't afford to purchase such luxuries as strawberries when they ar.i
almost worth their weight In gold. When people cultivate a taste for delicacies out of
season they are prone to turn up their noses at them when they arc In season and may be
had at prices which put them within the reach of all. Strawberries! It's a wonder to me
you hadn't bought three or four watermelons, too. I suppose they can be had, shipped in
AN AMICABLE BASIS.
Merely the Preliminaries.
"My dear," asks the anxious husband, "haven't
you finished your spring shopping?"
" Not at all," answers the-happy wife. " I've mere
ly looked at the things I don't want and those I can't
afford. Tomorrow I'll look at a lot of things 1 ought
to get and maybe by the end of -the week I'll be ready
to decide what I want the salespeople to show to me."
The Joyous lamb now gambols on the lea, until the
beef trust gets on the lee side of him.
PUZZLE, y
" He Is my hero," Bhe sighed.
Without finishing this we leave it to" the
reader to giiew whether he was a half back,
a college orator, a baseball star, a matinee
Idol, a naval celebrity, a prize fighter, a
novelist, a soda fountain clerk, or Just a plain
every day and Sunday young raan.
Just the same, folks pay a great deal more
heed to your criticisms than to your praise
Familiar.
"This reminds me of the days when Lefty
Hinnegan was the star batsman of the league."
said the ex-basehall player to his friend, while
the exhorter was reading the words of the
hymn.
"It does? In what way?" asked the friend.
"He's lining out the bawl."
The men who seUlp. public questions by writ
ing magazine artlclVs-about them are the only'
ones that manage to stfty in the gumo.
' ;
For which do you know the most remedies
cold in 'the head or dandruff?
We have been asked for our Ideal of a com
mencement oration for a girl. Here It Is: " I
made this dress, and now I'm going
home to cook dinner."
WILLING TO HELP.
" Ah," sighed the beauteous (hansel in distress, also in the wild and
woolly west, " I know I might raise sufficient funds to take me to my
home if 1 could once get the ear of the banker, but every time 1 have
called he has boon .too busy to see me."
" His car you want, leddyV" asked foothless Timpkius, the Terror
of Tombstone, ".list his car?" lie drew his bowie knife add with his
eyes Hashing, asserted:
" Sny the word, and I'll get ye Itoth his ears and one or two cf his
fingers. It never shall be said that Toothless Timpkius stood by aud
eaw a Bufforiu' female iu need of assistance."..
, , Of First Importance."
"What are they discussing so earnestly '!" we ask of the nurse, as
the eminent surgeons, lifter the operation on the notable person, with
draw to a coiner and begin shaking their lingers at each other. "Can
not they decide what was the matter with the patientY"
"Oh, they know what was the matter with him," she answers,
wearily. " What they can't decide is whose name shall bo signed first
to the bulletins."
NOT WHAT HE MEANT TO SAY.
MUSICAL CRITIQUE.
V We coaxed tbe maid to play, and then
11 We watched the mangled moments lilt
Air 4 wished, and wished, and wished again
We dared to coax the maid to quit.
There Is a w hole lot of philosophy
about the way corn grows, but
there is considerable more plowing
connected with it.
Housccleaning Is usually delayed
Secause folks have to take stock of
what the neighbors are displaying
in the yard.
a
Faith is that quality which leads
a man to expert that his flower
garden will resemble the views
shown In the seed catalogue.
a
Once more arises the unsolved
problem: Why do ull Boda fountain
clerks have curly hair?
:
Half of us ore wondering where
we w ill spend our summer vacations,
and half of us arc wondering if we
will have anything to spend on
them.
The world Is progressing so rapid
ly that within another year or so we
expect to si e somebody selling a
line of canned roses.
'This is my Aunt SaraK. Folks say I look like she did at my age.
' Yes, but she'll never look like you at your age"
Tou not only loee
time telling people
how to avoid mis
takes, but you have to
lose more time listen
ing to their explana
tions.
There Is always
plenty of room at the
top because there is
always such good
company at the bot
tom. It's right. There are
lots of women who
wouldn't marry the
best man on earth if
he didn't ask them to.
We have a friend
who says he'll never
lead the simple life If
part of It is to read
"The Simple Life"
all the way through.
It Is estimated that
there are 20,000.000
people in this country
who do nothing elsa
hut write to the news
papers asking what is
proper attire for an
afternoon wedding.
We have a sneaking
admiration for the
conceited man who
really tries to live up
to his conceit of him
self. No man ever pro
posed without making
the girl wonder at the
difference between
proposals in novels
and in real life.
It Is our private
opinion that fun was
lii trod uced into the
scheme of things for.
the benefit of a boy
and his dog.
If you are going to 1
solve the riddle of the
universe don't go pok
ing off among the
stars, but begin with
tbe grass.
from the tropics, for about fj
an ounce at this time. Mrs. Slam
sum, to show you that there is at
least one person in this house who
can restrain his appetitle until it
Is possible to gratify it without
risalng the danger of ending his
days in the jioorhou.se. I shall not
partake of any of those berries.
I hope it will remain a lesson to
you, and that what poor Influ
ence my actions may have upon
your future purchases may in
some measure be of beneilt to
you."
" 1'hlllp Slamsum, if you'd let
me tell "
But Mr. Slamsum had left the
room, walklryj with the conscious
tread of one who feels himself a
martyr, tied to a Blake, with
those whom he trusted and loved
pouring kerosene ofr him and
striking matches on his unshaved
cheeks. Mrs. Slamsum muttered
to herself for a few minutes,
then resumed reading the fashion
magazine which had held her at
tention when her liege lord ap
peared on the scene. In a few
moments he rushed into the room
again.
" Madam," he cried, " this is
worse than' ever! Not only have
you purchased strawberries at an
exorbitant price, but you have
permitted yourself to be bilked,
swindled, cheated outrage
ously!" " Why, Philip, I wanted to
tell you "
" Tell me nothing! Those ber
ries are hard as nails, and they
have been artificially colored with
some kind of a varnish that has
Hi
H i .4
i
All
j. AH J
j-VaI'v
'I cannot believe the
i
7 v v
"No," said the blase man,
women."
"And I," said tbe maiden, "cannot believe the men."
"Then," he argued, "we are on a good footing, for
yon will not believe me when I say I do not believe
yon."
Although his argument was rather Involved, it
proved good with her.
a most disgusting taste. It's enough to drive a man to drink to bo compelled to submit
to such "
"Philip Slamsum, If you'll hold your breath for Just one minute I'll say what I ve
been trying to say all this time. I bought those strawberries. They are nrtiflolal ones.
I got them at the milliner's, and they cost me 20 cents. I'm going to use them to trltr.
my last spring's bonnet, because you have lectured and lectured so much about economy
that I was afraid even to spend $.') for a new hat. There now!"
Lest we leave this tale with the Impression that Philip Slamsum. Is a hard heartij
wretch, it is only fair to say that the next week he got a bill from the milliner stating that
he owed 122.80 for one bonnet. This ho bought on condition that hla wife would not
tell about the strawberries, Init of course Bho had to tell the milliner.
It is bad enough to hear a girl recite " Curfew Shall Not Ring Tonight," but It Is sal
to think that sho may feel inspired to adopt a dramatic career.
aja$aj
We detest cranks. The other day an automobile fiend held us up and we listened Iw
two hours to his rhapsodies over his machine and then he whizzed away without ask
ing us to take a ride.
Maybe Not.
" I'm so sorry, but you see I got this dog to help me choose my friends. Dogs are such
good Judges of human nature."
" But maybe you are not a good Judge of dogs."
Of course, young man, you can start at the top but if you begin at the bottom you'd
always remember how far you are getting from the ground.
Speed the day when folks ean rat spring onions without feeling as guilty as if thy
were trying to buy a drink on Sunday.
An. Alphabet
of JoKes
IS the Iceman he appears
A hearty, husky, haug'-ity wight,
Much as ha was in other years;
His spirit, like his ice, Is light.
Bat yet Lis strength is very great,
Tor be can quickly raise the price.
He chortless at your alley gate
That rousing, ranting roar of
"ICE!" .
Be leives for you a little piece
Which he avows weighs forty pounds,
And ere your protestations tease
Into the driver's seat he bounds.
Ah, who-can tell the rage Tsn've felt -
Before you view it once or tvlce
The chunk you buy Is sure to melt
And you, despairing, shout back :
"ICET"