Many a failure
may be Mummed up
In: "He contused
bustle with but
tie."
The Top o the Morjiin W. D.JVesbit.
Looking tor trow
bte, brethren, la In
no nise similar to
looking tor a gold
mine.
Ke Wants a Disguise.
it
I suppose you like to use living models
for your comic pictures," says the friend to
the artist. v
"Yes; it is a help," replies the artist.
" Well, some day I'll come around and
pose for you if you'll rig me out in some kind
of an outlandish costume."
"Thi Last Siirvlvor."
The Int aurvtvorof the charge
of the Uxht fcrlsade la dead."
Newt Item.
Whit shall we writ ef them
New son li left of them I
Think of the stunt of them
Xoble lis hundred.
Ah, what a stand they made!
Seemed that they could not f ado.
Through all the years they
stayed,
And the world wondered.
In the last century
One sane that venture, he
Saw days arriving
When the grim hand of Time
Should end the life sublime
Of one then In his prime
" Last man surviving."
What shall we say of him I
His fame shall never dim;
Ah, but his face was grim
Great his endaranoe.
Did then the throbbing drum
Echo when he would com
To pay the premium
On life Insurance I
Aye, when we went to school,
Mingled with rote and rule
And lesaons cherished,
Came then the statement sad.
Thrilling each lass and lad:
The " last survivor " had
Finally perished.
Sing, then, a requiem;
Sing now in praise of t hem
Hal What's this comes to stem
Our songl Who's blundered
We are not yet bereft
Of men of noble heft.
Word comes: " There's one
more left
Of the six hundred."
An Alphabet
of JoKes
JMATEUR
The Amateur Pianist, she
Lets naught her fervor balk-'
She wakes you with a " Lullaby,"
Plays galops in a walk;
Her right band never knows just what
Her left hand tries to do
lt was such tacts as these that brought
The joke on her to view.
A sample of the joke we write
And give it to yon here:
Fond Mamma Bays, with much delight:
"My daughter plays by earl"
The Caller never blinks tier eyes
To show Bhe understands
She asks, in tones of mild surprise:
" Why don't she use her hands T"
COULDN'T.
"Tea. I remember Blinks," says Blanks. "I suppose he will turn up again. He Is a bai
penny, you know,, and they always"
" No, he won't," answers Blunks. " He has been turned down everywhere.
WHO SHE WAS.
"Good mawnln' sun," said the lady of color to the stranger whom she met on the
. country road.
"Good morning, aunty. May I ask who you are?' replied the stranger.
"Who I Is, auh? I'm de lady whut does de washin foh de woman dat boa ds wir aat
white pusson In the big house on de hilt." . .
'
When a woman gets a set' of proofs of her new photographs, she studies them for a
moment, then turns with renewed faith and trust to ner
mirror.
We have always envied Adam. He didn't have
to Interrupt hi spring gardening to listen to the
advice of some one leaning oyer his fence.
Tou don't get murh enjoyment out of a fad if
others don't notice It. ' ,
We often wonder If the reason charity begins at
' home Is that she covers a multitude of sins.
The Rocky Road.
Tpos the path of poesy
How many folks we meet
Who have the frenned, rolling eye,
And trouble with their feet I
' No,"
PLIGHT OF THE CASH BUYER.
says the credit man, regretfully, " we cannot open an account with you.'
Tou
"You'll have to stay a little longer,"
said the monkey artist. "Unless you re
main until alter luncheon I can't finish
this portrait."
"UI have to stay here until after lunch
eon," growled the lion, you'll never tin-
Ish that picture." Th, man who lnslsU upon re.
hearsing his troubles manage to .create a mountain of talk omt of a mole hill of affliction.
DEVELOPMENT.
" Sir," said the agent, entering the office of the business man, " I have called to In
terest you In one of the greatest time and labor saving office fixtures ever Invented."
" Don't want it," replied the man, " I've got so many helps of that sort now files,
cab'nets, card boxes, and all that sort of thing that I can't find the one x want when I'm
In a hurry."
" Just what I was coming to," remarked the agent, opening his sample case. " I've
got a new and novel system of keeping the labor and time saving contrivances In con
venient shape."
HOUSEHOLD HINT.
Although most of us expect nothing from fortune, we are
always looking for something else.
" But, great Scott, man! I've been trading with you for a year, and I've bought lots
of things from the other stores."
" That's Just It Tou don't owe anything anywhere, so there's no book accounts on
which to establish a line vt credit for you."
Similarity.
"" Tes," says the close friend, looking at our new photograph, " It Is a speaking like
ness, Indeed."
" Speaking likeness?" we ask, merrily. " Ha. ha! It never says anything, does It?"
" No. And neither do you," the close friend asserts, with that confidence of freedom
from harm which only a friend possesses.
00400
Jl Luxury. .
" Father," said the son of the Kansas farmer, " why don't you get In line with modern
systems of managing a farm and buy a wind pump?"
'Wind pump!" says the father. "Wind pump? Gosh all over! Who wants to pump
wind out here, when it blows In so dummed fast its hard for a body to keep his hair on?" .
There has been but little change In literature, save for abandoning the custom of de
. T,f ' scribing the heroes as resembling
A. Veiled I tireUt, Gr,ek foda and explaining that
they are plutocrats.
co :
Tou are wise If you can live
within your income; you are for
tunate Indeed If you can live
without it.
Have you ever noticed that the
heroine In the book the Lady
Amaryllis or Gladys, or some
pueh nam. usually resembles a
girl in real life named Sophy or
Mehitable?
We have always thought that
Darwin never had to wait until
an organ grinder got through
playing, in front of his house.
Tou may know that a thing Is
thoroughly artistic when you
cannot tell for the life of you
why It is artistic.
tea
A good many unhappy homes
are caused by people absenting
themselves to fill lecture dates
and tell why home la not as hap
py as it should be.
When a man tells you that he can recall no perfect day
In his life ask him If he remembers the day he wore his first
long pants.
.
A man never acknowledges that a woman made a fool of
him. He is willing to concede, however, that he made a fool
of himself.
r
9
flodety will be more satisfactory to all eon
Cfrneil when It Includes In its invitations the par
ticular clothe It wishes to attend Its affairs.
.
Conscience Is that attribute which convln en you
that people should be talking about you whether
they are or not.
People are not always what you think thoy are,
but they might as well be, so far as you are con
cerned. For everything that you enjoy there are all the
way from two to ten people to tell you that It is
harmful to you.
The wisdom of age consists in learning why you
did not know what you thought you knew when
you were young
What would be the good of having a lodge In
some vast wilderness? We then would waste our
savings buying excursion tickets to the haunts of
the madding crowd
We can answer the question: " What has become
of the old fashioned woman who used to coerce hr
hunhnnfi u-fth the roiling
""W pin?" She is reading pa-
" rwifa rtn I Via edrtinnl tit.iti
jv i o vii s."r ravs t mu a ' i j u
lem before her clubs.
mitt
A reformer took two hours of our time, and none of his, -day
before yesterday, trying to convince us that "Good gracious!
gracious!
AM
is profanity. Good
PAPA'S HOPE.
"You look so beautiful in that dress that it will be a
wonder if some man does not elope with you to tonight
" Papa says he hopes some man will before he has to pay
for another dress like this
HER CALENDAR.
" When does spring begin, anyhow?" asked the husband. 1
"I don't know when It begins In the almanac." replied the wife, "but It already has
begun In the advertisements."
" wonder why mama dresses us this way.
"I heard her say that it she put these clothes on us we'd be so
ashamed of our looks that we wouldn't be bothering the company
this afternoon."
Success is the abfllty to determine which is a golden opportunity and which l
a goldbrlck one. '
When we hear a mat objecting to stories of bright
children, we wonder what his father and mother used to tell
folks about him.
When a man tells us that
he Is going to give us some
sound advice we generally
observe that Be delivers
more sound than advice.
The road to a man's
heart Is through his stom
ach, which is also a way
station on the line to his
pocketbook.
M
A hobby is not something to ride it is flometnlngf
to talk about.
The world takes you for what you seem to be,
but It only takes you as faras you can keep up
the semblance.
Come to think of it, the goldten moments are
always the ones which have been spent
The trouble today Is not that so many of us want
to begin where others leave off. ' but that others
will not leave off and let us begin. 1
You never know what some folks will do next
and possibly they wonder a bit about it them
selves. Young man, you are not entirely fitted for a
business career when you have succeeded in In
venting a cost-price cipher.
Birdsontf.
The Jailbird sat in his little cage
Until one lucky day
The keeper struck for a higher wage
Then the jailbird flaw away..
You Jump at conclusions, perhaps, but there are
others who are more methodical about making
their mistakes.
When a man becomes a victim of Ms own fool
ishness he begins to make moan about destiny.
Science.
My son, observe the oyster well ;
Bee how it gets in action
And swiftly closee up its shell
Blvalvular contraction.
It Is as wrong to steal a pin as to steal a million
dollars besides, it is a waste of time.
When a man tells us how he overcame all ob
stacles and rose to the heights of success we know
without Investigating that he thought the stair
steps were put there to block his way.
The higher education, my child, la that which
enables us to confuse the hoi polloi by remarking
" Peccavl " Instead of entering a plain oldfash
loned plea of guilty.
Expensive Prescriptions.
' -r-jr I iVw t il A ;? )t v." ' ?;' -
Doctor, can't you tell my husband I'll
simply have to be sent to the seaside or to
Europe for the summer ? "
" I'd like to, but you remember I told Ijjm
he must send you South for the winter and
he complains that it cost so much to fill my
prescription that he couldn't pay my bill for
giving it."
A SAFE GUESS.
"I." said the cryptographer, x" have discovered a cipher
which shows that Locke did not write all of the volume on
the Understanding, but that ho was only one of half a dozen
authors."
"You don't say," commented the llsUncf. "Sort of a
combination Locke, was it?"
THE LIMIT.
"This Is simply the limit" said t lie nnswers-to-the-anx-ious
editor.
" What's the trouble now?" asked the who-slaycd-thls-beautiful-gyurl
editor.
"Here's a woman who writes: 'Recently my husband
and I were divorced, but of late he has been trying to effect
a reconciliation with nie culling on me, sending me presents,
etc. Is It etiquette for me to have a chaperon In the parlor
when he Is with me?' "
SUGGESTION.
" Yes, Mrs. Goso Was cured at last, after the
doctors had given her up."
"Yon don't say."
"Indeed, yes. They cured her by mental sug
gestions. '
" How did they do It ? "
" When it seemed that all hope ttias gone her
mother came Into the room and told her that Sitx
& Wullens were advertising $50 bonnets for $14.99
for that day only."
SKELETONIZED.
" Wonder what has come over Muggxley of late. A year
ago he was one of the moHt nelf confident men you ever saw.
Hut nowudays lie arcing lfruiil to n.iy Hiut his soul Is his
own. lie hasn't any backbone at till."
" Didn't you bear about his getting married, and how
his wife bosses him around, and "
" O, he took a rib and lost his backbone."
Campaign Comment.
"This Is the most unalndest cut of nil," K.ilil Mark An
tony. Handing the piiper containing the rciruwn picture ot
himself to hU friend, he continued his remarks beneath hln
breath.
It is said l hut tills was the only time Mark did not use
bad grammar with the Intention of catching the vote of the
common peepul. .
. HE REMEMBERED.
A happy Inspiration strikes Hie lad as he Is being led Into
the woodshed by his father, who holds a long -switch. In his
hand.
"Remember, father," say the boy, "that you were a
boy yourself once."
"1 hadn't thought of that," replies the father. "Come
to think of it, I was. And when 1 got Into such mischief as
you have my father always licked nie a good deal harder than
1 meant to whip you."
Cautioning the youth to wait, the father goes to get an
additional switch.
The man, who. complains that he es " misunderstood " is
usually one who misunderstands himself.
COMFORTING.
The best man is doing his best to make the groom brace
up.
" Where's your nerve, old man?" he asks. " Why, you're
shaking like a leaf." '
" I know I am," chatters the groom. " But this Is a nerve
wracking time for me. I've got some excuse to be fright
ened, haven't I? I've never been married before."
. "Of course you haven't," soothes the prospective father
In-law. " If you bad you'd be a darned sight worse scared
than you are."
A Lawsonite.
" I see where somcbo ly has proposed to divide the year
into ten months, instead of twelve," said Mr. Megrlbbera
" Tes," replied Mr. Faddles, " and I'll bet a dollar It's a
scheme of the Insurance companies to save more money by
not having to put so many leaves on their calendars."
NAMED THEM.
"1 hear you have twins at our house," says the neighbor
to the little boy.
" Tes, sir. They come yesterday."
"And what do you call them?"
" Pa named them as soon as he came hi) me from the of
fice. When the nurse told him we had twins he said: '8u Wee
alive and Ooshttlloverl' "
His Lacst Da.ys on Erth.
e
1
" But, said the about-to-be-teneJict, " I can't Kelp feeling nervous, you know. It s all very
well tor you to "
"Pull yourself together, old man," interrupted the test man. "You act as it you expected
the newspapers to print what you had for breakfast this morning.'
