It it Impoatlble to
serve two matters
and Itlt next to lot'
poaalble to bou one
servant
The Top o' theMornin'. W. D'.Nesbit
The ar e r a g e
woman dislikes the
man who la always
paying compli
ments to others.
HIS IDEAL.
THE ETERNAL FEMININE.
jSLV;lpiSV: ( Yr ; .
"Mamma says," sighed the coy damsel, "that your proposal is
a great honor, but she fears we would not be happy if married, for I
am too young to know my own mind."
"Happy?" replied the swain. "Ask your papa if any man
wouldn't be happy with a wife who did not have a mind of her own?"
FRENZIED FASHIONS.
D V THOMAS LOSEM.
" Tfet my It pat as end to fftt fprfag konntf Impotllion It to mtkt Mr, lonet quit buying Ifie nojf
tp(nit oat (kt a find. "
Reader, wherever you are, whether In the sun kissed clime of Florida or the blizzard
Masted realms of the Dakotas, whether you are working a graft In New York or being
rafted In Kansas, if you, like all your brethren, are sitting today helplessly viewing the
onward march of the spring bonnet, unable to get the section of the paper holding the
advertisements of spring goods; if you are reflecting that one trouble follows another so
rapidly that the coming one kicks tne neeis
of the going one it your heart is heavy and
your purse is light peruse the following
chapter. It can't make you feel any worse
Fir.t: WHO IS MRS. JONES?
Ah, innocent, unsophisticated, guileless
man, you ask me what has Mrs, Jones got
to do with Frenzied Fashions.
Everything!
Since that damp day when Noah Jons
and his family left the ark, Mrs. Jones has
been the arbiter of fashion.
Tou may not know her as Mrs. Jones but
a. Jones by any other name.would buy as
rashly.
Let me ..apuryour wits a bit When .your
wife or your daughter learns that you have
paid the last of the Christmas bills, what
does she begin talking about?
She says: " I saw Mrs. Jones today. She
has begun her spring shopping already."
Tou, not being acquainted with the mach
inations of the system, do nothing but swar
inwardly, or wonder at the shopping pro
pensities of woman. Instead of girding on
your armor. Instead of lifting alott the glit
tering tance of combat. Instead' of buckling
on your shield and sword, and hurling deli
ance along the line of least resistance, you
resign yourself to doing without a spring
overcoat.
YOU NEVER TRY TO IDENTIFY MRS.
JONES.
Man, If I were to unveil to you at this
moment the whole, awful, far-reaching, In
solved, unfathomable plot thut is in existence
against you, your hands would shake like
the tail of a happy dog, your hulr would friz
zle up against your scalp and your blood
would course through your veins like a trol
ley car solng to the barns. .
Suffice It to say that the System the
great, bold, daring combination which hides
behind the name of " Dame Fashion," or the
cant phrase " This Is to be all the go this
season," suffice It to say that the System has
spattered the fair face of our beloved land
with myriads' of Mrs. Joneee. Who goes to
the stores to all the openings? Who buys
the most beautiful froaks? Who buys the highest-heeled shoes? Who buys the gaudiest
bonnets? Who buys the VERY LATEST of EVERYTHING, and then TELLS YOL'R
WIFE ABOUT IT? '
In clarion tones I reply, "MRS. JONES!" . . fc
Had I the pen of a poet I should act upon the fitful hint in the preceding paragraph
and compose a scathing epic which should shake the world from equator to the poles.
Now! Now, what are we going to do? We are, figuratively, face to face with Mrs.
Jones. With beckoning hand she lures our wives and our daughters to the mart, to the
cminter where the highest price marks flaunt their welcome. Men and brethren, will
ive sit supinely by, while she sets the p-ce for
(Kditor"s Note: Again Mr. Losem's manuscript is incomplete. The only explanation
wo have Is a brief note which was lying on top of the manuscript. It is signed by Mrs.
I.ckpiu, and reads: "I won't be home to lunch. Mrs. Jones just 'phoned me that he
had selected her spring bonnet, so I'm going, shopping.")
While men's good
traits are written io
water, most of ut
think that the record
ing of thorn is de
ferred until tbo water
freezes.
While we are mak
ing excuse for one
mistake we might be
taking steps to avoid
another.
n
We think a man Is
overly conscientious
when he refuses to do
something we know
we haven't any right
to ask him to do.
While AJaz got a
good deal of notice by
defying the lightnin?,
it should be remem
bered that the light
ning continues to do
business at the old
stand.
Not Afraid.
" Say," says the
man with the large
Jaw to the man with
the belligerent eyes,
" I understand that
you carry a chip -your
shoulder."
" You bet I do," re
sponds the man with
the belligerent eye,
shutting his fists.
"Well, while you
were getting tim
bered up why didn't
you see to it that you
had a little shaving on
your face?"
Ry the tlmetheman
with the belligerent eyes had reasoned this out and gotten properly angry; the man with
the large jaw had rambled adown the crowded highway.
FAILED TC?GRASP IT.
" Now," said the great lawyer to the youth who had been studying Coke and Black
stone under him, "from what you have read and heard during the period of your stay
with me, what do you consider to be the highest alms of a successful lawyer? "
" To show his clients how they may obey the laws," replied the conscientious youth.
" Huh! " was the disgusted comment. " You'll find you'll get more fees for telling
em how to evndo it, my young friend."
March, it will be remembered, usually comes In like a spring shopper and goes out
like the mnn who pays the bills.
; rK .. :
; j f ' - v -
iff -A-l .
.
; . - : i
. -
It VU-'"
" Danghter, yon bad better go to tbe party in the carriage,
since yon have yonr pretty new togs on."
" 0, papa, I'd rather go on the trolley cars. If I go in the
carriage nobody will see the dress and hat."
Impression.
Her
A.
t Sf sV -i vnJ v
" Do you know,' said the man, while his glass was being filled for the 'steenth time, I
simply drink all this so that I may stay through the dinner." . '
" Indeed ? " said the girl. " I had formed the idea that you were simply staying through
the dinner so that you might drink."
A Crusher.
The Dark Aires.
" What nre you com
piling?" v. a; k of the
clerk In the census bu
reau. "Some statistics of the
dark ages," he tells us,
going on with Ills scrib
bling. Looking over his shoul
der, we urn thut he Ib en
tering the birth records
of the families of George
Wash Ington Johnsing
and Kphriam Snowball,
the well known whitewashers
and general chore men.
"Don't you know, I think you would be an ideal valentine."
"Yes? And to whom would y.ou send me?"
The Prescription.
'Twii Dr. Cupid he who plies
His therspeutio arts
On that wha lean to tender tlgbi
That rlae from troubled bearta.
Two patients he received and then
He chuckled In hit throat,
?ut down hit tow, took up his pen
And this prescription wrote:
" Take dreamy twilight, quantum
suf. ;
One whisper toft and low,
Four eyet that cannot gase enough,
Ons murmured ' I mutt go,'
One gentle ' Why, it't early yet,'
Ont blandly beaming moon,
Ont plump white palm and don't
forget
To mix this with a tpooa.
14 Add agitation, hope, and doubt,
With Jmt a dath of nerve,
Ftrhapt put in a pinch of pout
Tb wttit bit will serve;
Toar llpi and ebooa them all with
ears,
Selecting two by two;
Fill the prescription thea and there,
Mo otbtr time wlU do.
" This doie ll very nice to take
Bom people think it't fun;
Should pompom papa not awake,
Then take another on."
Each patient atked him s "What'
the bill I "
He ald: " Why, at to me,
My dote either cur or kill
Bo I don't charge a f."
IAICKED MAIM.
" I'm sorry, my dear," said the Inconsiderate husband,
" that I cannot let you have the toon.iy to buy the prises for
jour euchre club, but I sat in a little poker game over at
Mlngleby's stag party last night, and th boys cleaned me
cut. I'm flat broke."
"What?" asked the wife of his bosom. "What? You
wretched, wicked man! To think that I should nave become
the wife of one who is so lost to all feelings of self-respect
that he would gamble! Now, what In the world can I say
that will make a reasonable excuse for not entertaining my
euchre club this week?"
With bent head, the guilty wretch slunk from the house,
meditating upon the sorrow and distress that bad habits may
plunge a family into. '
CONFIRMATION.
" Were you always so slender?" asks the patron of the
dime museum, after a long study of the conformation of the
living skeleton.
"Always so slender?" asks the living skeleton. "Uty,
mister, you wouldn't think, to iook at me now, that once I
was the prise fat boy, would you?"
" No. I wouldn't." answers the patron.
" Well, you're all right. I never was."
There Is nothing so aggravating as good advioe when you
are really in need of such wise counsel.
A Criticism.
" Yas, Mlstah Dog, you's des Ink de white folks
you 'longs ter. Long es you meets me out hyah
in de street In de daytime you speaks ter me es
nice es you please, but let you meet me In the
night nex' ter de henhouse en den you ain't gwine
ter be half so glad ter see me."
The Jk Will Tan.
Calling upon th bluff
old captain of industry,
with a merry twinkle
in our off eye, we in
quire: " Are you a self-made
man? "
" No," be replies.
" Any fool would know
that If I were a self
made man I would have
put durable shingles on
tny roof."
We slink away, for
be bat forestalled Our
Intention to ask bins
why tie didn't fix bins
cwlf up with a better
stock of hair.
OO
QUELLED.
Th Ion traveler
walked bravely against
th teetb of the storm.
Taking a small pro
fetslonsJ Instrument
case from bis pocket,
he remarked casually,
that he war a painless
dentist and would ex
tract th teeth of th
storm without any suf
fering whatever.
With one last, shud
dering sigh, the storm
pubulded.
Had it only permitted
the dentist to go ahead
who knows but the wind
mlRht have howled
louder than ever that
day.
One Way Around IL
" Yes," sighs the leau
teous heiress, " I would
be willing to marry you
if It were not for the
fact thnt even w hile we
were going down the
aisle of the church
everybody would be say
ing you were marrying
me for my money."
The ardent swain sat
In deep thought for a
time. Then his counte
nance brightened.
" I've got It." he said.
" We can easily fore
stall all such criticism.
You deed all your prop
erty to me In advance.
Preparation.
i iWiiPi I'"
" The doctor says all you need now s some medicine to tulld up
your nervous system. .
" Km; suppose he's getting ready to tell me how big his bill is.'
Tin n, if any one says you are marry 'ng me for my money,
I shall simply treat them with silent contempt"
WANTED INSTRUCTIONS.
" If you are going to have an English lawn," aays
the landscape architect, " you will have to have a
Fabla of fht Overconfident Scientist. "A sun dial?" asks Mrs. Justgottlt.
There was once an Eminent Scientist who Claimed to " Yes, madum. It tells the time, you know, and
have Discovered a Variety of Stlngless Bees. besides is a very handsome decorative feature."-
Naturally, his Announcement occasioned considerable " Let me see one, if you have any here."
discussion, and In the End he was Invited to address the The landscape architect finds an old one in his
Society for Considering the Remarkable Achievement of storeroom und has it brought out for her Inspection.
Magastne Writers. " 1 tn "urs marked on It," she says, after
During the course of bis Speech he produced a Sped- me Inspection, "and I guess 111 have one, but
men of the Stlngless Bee and handled It with Impunity you'll have to send some one out to show Josiah how
and Great Effect To show that everything was on the to wind It up. lie's always having trouble with the
Square be passed the Bee over to the President of the clocks."
Society, who had been Scoffing Considerably.
The President of the Society, with a Knowing Smile,
poked the Bee once or twice with his Finger, whereupon
the Bee retaliated by poking the President of the Society
with its Stinger, which had merely been taking a Vacation.
The President of the Society bumped his Head against tile
Celling, and when he I.lt he was heard to remark that he
Never Was so Surprised Before In all His Born Days.
Then the Eminent Scientist, with a Happy Sml'e on
his Face, took the Stlngless Bee, put It In his Gripsack,
and caught the Train for Home and Loved Ones.
Moral: Let the Other Man have Ills Theories.
The Other, Way About.
" ft will be Just like the bicycle," asserted the
man with the ken eyes. " In time the automobile
will be within the reach of everybody and then It
will lose Its popularity."
As far as I'm concerned," snld the mnn who
wax using a crutch, " I've been within the reach of
too iv;:ny automobiles, and they've ulrendy lost their
popularity with me."
LITTLE HENRY'S SLATE.
GOT IT FREE,
"Money will buy anything," sighed the plutocrat, "ex
cept peace of mind. There are limitations to wealth."
At this Juncture a man whom the plutocrut had put out
cf business the day before entered his ofllce and gave hl:n
a piece of his mind, for nothing. i
Modernized Shakspeere,
'Out, damned spot!" exclaimed Lady Macbeth, petu
lantly rubbing her hand.
Frowning bitterly, she dipped a cloth into a chemical
solution and continued rubbing her hand, musing:
" If this application doesn't do me any good, I shall
certainly write to the editor of that beauty column and
ttll her what I think of her prescription."
f7
iMm fe as?
The Retort Old Maidenly.
" Tou," sniffed Miss Matilda Oldenseer, " you try to b
eo kittenish. Why, nobody knows how old you really are."
pm "Indeed?" smiably retorted Mies Sophronla Tellerleef.
"Indeed? Well, nobody cares how old you are."
One of these days someone will perfect a thornless rose
VALUELESS.
"Old man," suld the earnest Inventor, "I believe
I've iiit upon a valuable Idea. I'm going to get up a
corkscrew that can also be used as a letter opener."
"Rats!" commented the friend. "Who the dickens
ever sends liquor in a letter?'
and knock the immor
tality from undeT a con
siderable per cent of th
world's1 poetry output.
UNLAMBLIKE DISPOSITION.
Appropriate Jam. X
" Servant, of th. peo- 'Jpl
pie, indeed!" miffs the A Mmmk
angry citisen. discussing 2, ( ISff If tfe
the office holders. "Ser- &m'J J I Wl B
vant. of the people ! . 1, tfM J I -
There never was a great- MfeA, 1 SSfV : i'
r fallacy." 0 J . W it fct.'
" I don't know about L6W.:!fcr MtW IL .
i
that," commented anoth
er taxpayer. " Did you
ever try to induce your
cook to let you run your
own bouse?"
Acumen.
" Well, I got rid of that
reporter loqulck ordvr,"
said the first frensied fin
ancier. He was asking
too many questions about
sur concern and its meth
ods."' "
"How did you work
It?" asked his partner.
" Did you tell him a lie
so that It would seem like
the truth?"
" No. I bav a better
plan than that. I told
him th truth In such a
way that he was sure I
was lying."
Why He Stopped.
" Yes." sighs tbe noted
man, " I was a soda!
lion for two or three
years, but finally I got
tired of that"
"Tired of thst?" w
ask. In surprise. "Why.
one would think that be
ing s social lion was most
enjoyable."
" It is." ba says. " It
is, until you tumble to
the fact that a social Hon
is expected to make a
monkey of himself."
"So this Is your lamb, little boy? " said the lady. "And does It,
like Mary's little lamb, follow you to school?"
"Dat's no lamb, teddy," replied the youthful shepherd. " Dot's
a kid, an' he toileted me ter school las' week so closet dat it I hadn't
slammed de door In his face he'd 'a' butted me troo de blackboard."