JBH
la tome placet
you have to pay a
you go, mod la oth
er you mutt pay
II you stay.
The Top o theMornin. 'By W. . Nesbit.
Most ol these
" true love " valen
tines read like ex
hlh It A In a breach
of promise cane.
FRENZIED
FASHIONS
How They Look.
" Us folks has got twins to our house."
"O, goodness ! What do they look like?"
"Like when you don't sit still when your picture's took.
BY THOMAS LOeEM.
"Before I hare coiclud
erf (his nerre racking Ink
I thill drag fat discaroro
hoopsklilt Irtm Hit girrttt
of (tie pa'acei ef the kings
oltbtttsttm rhaf li tm.
pt ling ftusbaatfs ( work
a month lo car monty to
buy dresi thtir re
mill wear for aire after
eoonf" Men of America, 1
have put a fresh rib
bon on my typewriter,
oiled up the cap key,
and am going to tako
the lid oft.
Have you ever
stopped to think why
It li that your wile,
barely haa time to get
her new bonnet home
and try it on and con
clude that she doesn't
like It half as well as
the one Mrs. Jones
haa, when the stylos
change and she has to
give the bonnet to the
cook? NO! BECACSH
YOU DON'T GET
TIME TO STOP OK
TO THINK!
I can't stop, but I
can think.
I am a stopless
thinker.
Have you ever given
patient contemplation
to the phenomenon of
fashion? Have you.
.ver patiently con-
templated the way " """""" nnum i
sleeves are big this spring, little this summer, half-and-half this fall, and mebbe-so this
winter? NO! Because no human being can PATIENTLY CONTEMPLATE It Women
can. They are angels. ' ,
Who Is the hard hearted dictator that Is responsible for the high heeled shoe, which
hurts our women's feet s; much that they have to ride In carriages Instead of on tho
street cars?
Who was It that unloaded seventeen million bales of burnt orange ribbon on the
tut world's visible supply of the next fad?
American shopping pub!ic last winter, and cleared so much money that he could corner
tYho is the absent tieatment specialist that sends out ttherlc waves that surge ana
beat against the subliminal consciousness of our womankind, conveying such messages as:
" Brown Is to be all the go this season," or " Better be dead than not to wear black eye
purple"?
What started the "Trilby heart" fad of a few seasons ago? It must have had a
start somewhere.
Who Is the moving genius of the open work stocking and the porous plaster shirt
waist? Who plans the artificial flowers and vegetables thai mark the difference between
this spring's bonnet and Inst year's bird's nest?
Who had the fiendish confidence In his ability to 'control the world of fashion, that
enabled him to Induce the women to think that they could
wear sky blue and bright green In Juxtaposition, also on
the bias?
Who gets up the names for ribbons and dress goods, so
that a mere man, though he have the Encyclopedia Brltan
nlca by heart and have a string of degree letters as long as
"good morning" In Welsh after his name, Is unable to tell
ihe salesperson what he has been told to get, or to kick
about the price?
FOLLOW ME, my. brothers! I will put you right. I am
on the Inside. I made the CJROUND FLOOR that's how I
got In on It. I don't know whether J've repented, or what Is
the reason I'm going to tell all I know, but something Is
wrong Inside of me. My conscience begins sending one hun
dred words a minute every time I hear some one say: " It's
what they'll all wear this year."
Sit steady and hold tight, for I am going to tell you who
makes your medicine and who makes you take It.
Within the next month the air will be full of FRENZIED
FASHIONS.
Stand frcm under! ,
Note by the editor. Mr. Losem was Interrupted at this
point by his wife and daughters, who asked him for the
money to buy their spring outfits. The succeeding pages of
his manuscript are scorched and burned Into holes. We
shall try to Induce him to rewrite It.)
FK GOVFROVISE SUOGBSTBD,
Portia having missed her que, It began to look as If Shy-
lock would get to use hln knife on Antonio a' h all.
"Look here," said Btssanlo, " Shylock ,hy don't you operate nn him for append
icitis?" Only the sudden aprenrance of Portia saved Shylock from the further mortification of
losing the exorbitant fee for such a surgical operation.
No?
" The Idea that the m on gives light, and possibly heat, to the world," Bald the scientist,
" Is exploded. The moon la wearing out We have discovered a crack in It eighty miles
long."
" I have .ong argued, ' remarked the layman, " that the moon Is not at all what It Is
cracked up to be." ,
That night It was noticed that there was a tremendous display of asteroids.
Many a valentine Is
a roorback Christmas
present
A pessimist Is a
man who would send
comic valentines to
himself.
Young man. If the
girl tells you that the
lace paper on the val
entine you give her
would make nice trim
ming for kitchen
shelves, she's an ideal
girl for a wffe,
If we were sending
.1 valentine to a di
vorcee, we should
have Cupid repre
sented as being armed
with a gatllng gun. ,
Hi
Remember that the
hand that pats you on
the back today may.
address a comlo val
entine to you tomorrow.
The Untold Story,
A HINT.
" Can you tell me where to find a nice sw itch of blonde
hair?' asks the lady, entering the department store.
" Well," said the new floorwalker, confidentially. "I've
only been here this morning, but I don't mind telling
you I've got my doubts about the pompadour bang on
the dizzy blonde selling silks over In the fourth aisle."
NOT A SUCCESS.
" I must give It up," moaned the student " I never
can become an artist."
" Don't be despondent." urged the friend. ' Maybe
you have failed to get Into the right atmosphere."
. t m o s-
phere?" retort
ed the dejected
one. "Haven't
I raised a Van
Dycke beard,
worn a Rom
brant hat and
a Michael An-
Which I was a thlnkln', Captlng,
Of the good brig Sound Advice
At the time she sailed to Greenland
With her hold chockfull of ice.
I :
Changed the Name.
" Pa," asked little Cain, when i. polecat trotted slowly across
the lawn, "what did you say was the name of that animal"
' That, my son. is tho rolecat," Adam replied,
wrn- naming all the onimals and you tiled to pick it up and
" But, pn. I'm sure that Isn't what you called It the day you
stioko its fur."
Isn't It awful to think that there may be four or fire people
wlu are mean enough to think that you are
mean enough to deserve an ubutiive valentine?
0, well, If yon don't like stories,
Oo out to your darned old ship
But, mind, you may tall forever
An' never make such a trip.
Protected.
"Young man." said the agent, "can't I
Interest you In a new form of Insurance? We
will write you a pol.cy which will become
payable In the event of your being dis
charged from your present position."
" I guess not." suld the young man, without removing his
feet from his desk.
" My father owns
a block of stock
in this concern.
That's why I am
on the pay roll."
" Then I can't
Interest you,"sald
the t agent, pre
paring to leave.
"You have a pret
ty good fire In
surance policy."
Words are cheap
It Is the trim
ming of the valen
tine that costs. '
Time In Transmission.
" I never know," sail
Figg-ere, when I pit a
dachahnnd on the head and
he wags his tall, whether
he ltn't wig sing for a pat
he receive! an hour before."
l tell you.
Aa I has Juit said to the captlng,
'Twae Just such a day as this
We started with loe to Greenland
On the good brig Gone Amiss,
That's right, walk out to V.it harbor,
An' don't stand hers no more
But you've missed a tbrlllln' story
You never has heard before.
Send ' some one a
pretty valentine and
Fhe will forget It
within a week; send
a " comic," and a
year later you will
find that she has not
forgotten it.
There a r few
times of the sending
of fond tokens that
do not lend weari
ness to the postman
and the pocket
book. In common with
other
sons,
valentines has de
generated Into a
time when prices
can be raised with
out mercy.
geto robe and Olotto shoes, and eaten Murlllo cherries for a year?
I've no talent tc develop."
AX ONCE.
"And what effect did the organization of the union have upon your busi
ness?" asks the sociologist of the manufacturer.
"A striking effect," replies the magnate. "The men staid out until wo
gave them the? wages they demanded."
THAT BEING THE CASE.
"So sue hr complexion Is natural, does she?" asked the (list fond
friend. " Ami she says ail t lie rest of
us use powder?''
" She docs." replied the tale bearer.
" Why, the two fared IIiIiik! She
Uses twice as much cosmetics as any
other woman in town."
No Joke.
" Sir," said the Eminent Female Re
former, entering the workroom of the
of the Journeyman Jokewriter, "you
write entirely too many Jokes about
women."
The Journeyman Jokewriter made no reply to this r.ssertlnn.
" This thlnjj. ' she continued, " has got to stop. Take t.p any funny paper
Funny? Buh! Take up any paper and look at the Jokes, nrul what do you
find? Alleged jokes about women who will not permit tlitlr husbands to go
out of evenings, or play poker, or smoke, or drink, or swear, or or commit
any such reprehensible act It's got to stop. Woman Is no Joke, young man."
Stupefied, he remained silent until she had gone, after giving his desk a
farewell whacU with her umbrella.
" Woman is t.c Joke," he mused, tearing up a page of manuscript which set
forth the misadventures of one Henpeck. " I guess she Isn't."
LITERARY POINT.
Sonti peoplt ipoid a thwtani follirt
For Just ooi book ttisi Ho, Indeed.
It Ires then muco repu'i it scholars
And iet that book titer civtr nil
Age In, tone people tell ot boring
A dollar book. It Right be salt
That after wMi they will be sighing:
"'twas one that I need not ban real"
Some men
get pleasure
from dream
ing of castles
In the air, and
and others
ore happiest
when think
ing of putting
In the plumb
ing work in
such castles.
HER SMILE.
" My wife," says the first man, " always greets me
with a smile."
"Even when you come In at 2 or-8 a. m.?" asks the
second man.
" 8ure. Then she smiles sarcastically at the differ
ent excuses I think of for being out so late."
HI matey, I Juat been thlnkln'
How 'twas on tb' Glory Hols
When we took th' cargo o' ice blocks
Clear up to tb' great North Pole.
r
VvVETOT
Keen Work.
" What?" asks
the roommate.
" Your're not
writing to your
rich uncle for a
loan, and making
the request on a
postal card ? Don't
you know that In
such a little
place as the one
where he Uvea
that card may be
read and every
body In the town
will know you have asked him for the money?"
" Certainly," answers the crafty youth. " But Uncle
Grimsby will know that, too, and rather than get the reputa
tion of being a tight old wad he'll go to the postofflce arid
buy a money order for a good sum and send it to me at once."
But Isn't it glorious that no one has yet suggested an In
novation in the line of " useful " valentines?
Almost any
man. ll ii.k
Ing over the
pcft. is 1. .1 to
wonder v ! y
V a 1 e i:t; s
day does i . t
come on the
1st of April.
Of tw o evils
g 1 v e the
choice to
two of your
friends.
THE MINER. POET,
"What Is a minor roet anyway?" asked Flisins, looking un from the nneo
holiday sea- of revlewg.
that of the miner noet?" repeated Flucrlns. "A miner noet must be ono thnt itpIs
down and dlj,-s hard whenever he has struck a good vein."
The Doubtful Patient.
"What does the doctor think Is the matter with you?" asked the caller.
Tho patient who Is propped up on threa or four pillows, smiles wanly, then
replies:
" He gives It some
long Latin name, and
I don't know whether
It Is something terri
ble, or if It is some
simple little every
day trouble and ho
doesn't want me to
get onto the fact that
lie is making Ills
money too easily.'
Spoiled the Show.
A4 1
, 7. fe
"Was the opening o! th dog (how a suooess T"
"Hardly. A lot ot oommon people oame, and they actually lookad all th Mm at tha dogs and
eisglaoted to nolle th gowns ot th lady patroness."
Let us not laugli so
much ut airship in
ventors. There lire
about two thousand
different can openers
on the market.
The damsel whose
father has the repu
tation of being fierce
and stern Is always
married early In life.
Well, shiver me bloomln' timbers !
He's walkln sway like mad
Aa' leavln' me medltatin'
On tb' wonderful cruise I bad I
There was a king of Yvelot,
And easy was bis head,
Serene his rest naught would suggest
The words so often said.
That crowned heads are nof peaceful;
ne never wore a uown
He laughed away Ihe night and day,
With gayly titled crown.
The esfer of his palace
Was never toned to work.
He never had to make things glad
Mlh oily smile ?nd smirk.
This lolly king ot Yvetot
Had no need of his fool
He made his own tests trom ihe throne
And pleasure was bis rule.
He never bad a quarrel
With any other king; '
"Why should we tight?" be asked. "De
ls such an easy thing." 'light
He told no one bis troub es
In truth, he reigned so we I
No one could know, In fair Yvetot,
Ot troubles tit to tell. .
The little realm ot Yvetot
A wee spot on the map
Has made a name secure in fame
Because of this tare chap
Who put his crown on sldcwlst
And lolled upon his throne
With scepter set so that It met
His active tunny bone.
He wis to war a stranger;
Hit kingdom bad no debt;
Each ol his laws possessed a clause
That barred out care and tret
'lis told that when expiring
He wasted his last breath
In on (ong laugh In life's behalf,
And thus went to bis death.
There was a king ot Yvetot
There are such kings today;
Tbey never sigh tor things gone by
But laugh nong the may.
So, crown yourself with liughter.
Put pleasure on the throne.
And you'll possess In happiness
An Yvetot of your own.
THE JOKE THAT FAILED.
We turn to the solemn stranger at our side and read to
him the gleeful Jest about the. Russian general whose name
was shot all to pieces In one of the battles.
Observing his evident failure to comprehend the witticism,
we go Into details.
" You see," we say, " his name was Sobrikotoffsklvitch
lleffobobolitskedoochywlchoof, and when the battle began
he was In an exposed position and his name was shot to bits."
Still the stranger does not smile.
Petulantly we go over the story again, dwelling with em
phasis upon each point, and ending with a hilarious outburst
of laughter.
Notwithstanding all this the stranger remains Impassive.
" You are not familiar with American humor?" we ask
at last.
" No," be responds, graciously. " I am merely a tourist
here. I am from Llllwwwncdddyyyffwyllyllcwdbrwywll,
Wales, and my name Is Gwyllwrwllwyffdcwdbrwdwlsmwtb
fwlwwwwwffffflllllrwltwn." Thought Then Wat an Inducement.
The man with the confident air walked Into the tobacco
department of the big store, called the manager to one side,
tnd whispered:
" I've come In to get the prize, but I don't want anybody
to know it."
" Trlie? What prize?"
" Why, my wife gave me a smoking set for Christmas, and
I've used It every evening since then. Don't you give a fel
low some kind of a reward for that?"
Half the world wishes It could forget the other half, and
the other half wishes it might be forgotten on these days of
giving things.
HO W HE DID IT.
" I shall make a name for myself," stated
tho studious Itusslun.
" But how? " asked his friends.
" I shall Invent an alphabet without any
vo,.le in It."
"And then?"
" And then I shall make my name of the
consonants."
Christmas day, Valentine's day, and birth
day's are responsible for much economy in
meal tickets.
HI, lad, 'twas a frosty morula'
We tugged at tb' anchor chain
An' took out a load o' icebergs
On th' good ship Mary Jane.
CHANGED NOTE.
He got a tenner from the tenor.
Much joy was in bis face.
Until be learned tbe tenor's tenner
. Was counterfeit, and baaa.
WARNINO.
When sparking, 'if ber fatner near,
You'd better then be slowing up,
For if your sighing words hs bears
There may ooour a blowing up.
A SHAG.
Mow, there is Dr. roily
fox, A moat conceited '
chap
He says : " I oured tb
chicken-pox
A feather In my cap 1"
EXCELLENT WORK.
" He is an artist at tying cravats."
"He Is?"
" Yes, Indeed. Why, he can tie a four In hand so that It
will look as perfectly artificial as a readymade one."
0
You begin to learn what others think of you when you
receive returned comic valentines that, yo-j .have not sent
crlglnally.
Young man, have
jou ever stopped to
think that the heart
tranMixid by an arrow
may prefigure a beef
roast pierced by two
or three skewers?
CLASSIFIED.
" There's Archibald
0 rummer,
Telia tales to the
teacher
His father's a plumber,
But he la a peaeher."
W sailed to tb' ooaat o' Greenland
An' tb' Ice why, it wouldn't keep
Till we packed it about with lceberga
We snatohed from th' briny deep.
t, lP
Come on, with me bag o' dunnage
It's time I wi en ma ship.
I'll tell ye tb' whole yarn, Johnnie,
When we sail In from this trip.
THE SPOILSMEN.
" War is an awful
thlni?," suid tho man
with tho white tie and
the frock coat.
" O, I don't know,"
said the man with
the heavy gold watch
chain. " If It wasn't
for war business
would grow mighty
dull for me."
"Are you a manufacturer of ammunition, sir?"
" Nope. I'm a publisher of school maps."
A Practitioner.
"Why do you style yourself 'Doctor'?" we
ask of the upholsterer, who has affixed that title
to his name on his signboard.
" Why? Because I treat Invalid chairs at
times," he explains.
The Two Travelers.
" I'm headed for San Francisco," said the man
in the smoking cap. putting his feet on the plush
cushion of the Pullman seat, " and It only cost
me S50."
" I'm going to San Francisco, too," answered
the second passenger, " but It doesn't cost me
a cent."
" It doesn't?"
"Nope. I'm deadheaded."
Explained.
"Maria," asked Mr. Fazoo, " what Is meant by
the expression ' advance styles In spring bonnets '?"
Mrs. Fazoo looked at him pityingly.
"Goodness me!" she said. "I supposed every
body knew what they were. They are advance
styles of the spring bonnets, but they are sold so
far ahead of the season that when they come Into
fashion they are out,..of style."
A dozen American beauties make u splendid val
entine. Uesldes, they obviate the necessity of writ
ing a " sentiment " that later may bo read In court.
SUCH IS LIFE.
" It's a hard struggle to conduct one's business
without plenty of capital," observed the man with
f the Ingrowing chin,
"You're right," r. greed the man with tre mang nose. "If a fellow
hasn't got plenty of backing he has to do a lot of sidestepping."
Almost all of the quaint old customs of .ove and friendship have been
converted into
Little Henry s Slate.
cash register
tachments.
at-
lt is human na
ture to be more
anxious to even
the scores between
us and those who
semi us comic
valentines than
with those w h o
senu the other sort.
f.
The average Val
ertine's day poem
is merely the aver
age love poem
written with adlf- 4
fercnt excuae for V,
its being.
3