A word to the wise
Is sufficient, and
sometimes we are
tool enough to
stumble on the word
Patience Is a 7r
tue.but the patience
with which a life
Insurance a tent
pursues you Isn't.
The Top o' theMornin'. Hy W. TP. Nesbit
THE UNFAILING PLAN.
rs)fty f ( ik,.
Wl
.11
never
up
braid
ler
' I read today an article which says that the loving wife
husband for staying out late at night.
" Humph ! I've been married ten years, and I'd like to know how else a woman
going to get the new dress she has set her heart
Minerva was called
the godde?s of wisdom
but that wss before
the days when -he
mipht have been In
duced to buy an ency
clopedia and write
club papers.
LED THEN ALL.
The thesplans were
exchanging brag- of
t h e Ir achievements
One had memorized a
whole play In oni
r.Iht nnd still cmiM
runfmlicr every wor
of It. Another had the
faculty of remember
ing whatever he heard
anywhere a: any time
and so on.
"Well." said Roseoc
de TIamme. after they
had nil told how much
and how long they
could remember. " r
never laid any claim?
to having a memoi .
I never could remem
ber my parts. I'm a
little better about It
now. hut there was
one season when ! for
got no blamed fast
that I had to have six
understudies."
A fool and his monty
are soon parted ; but a
wise man and n ;a
money sometimes ir
never introduced.
His Predicament.
IS
Can't Please Them.
" May I ask," Inquired the magnate who
was defendant In proceedings In which he
was aued for merging a lot of corporations,
" may 1 ask what brings you to court?"
" Yea, sir," answered the man sitting next
him. " I'm defendant in bankruptcy proceed
ings." " Huh." commented the magnate. " It's a
funny world. Here they are suing you be
cause you didn't make money and suing me
because I did."
IN THE GZU.
" This bent," said the guide, " is a gnu
Which lately arrived In the giu.
The camel and yak
Bald ' Hello ' through a crack
For It teems that they (knew the (new gnu."
on.
A Disadvantage.
' 1 simply adore
that young Mr. Inny
sent," gushed the first
girl. ' Pon't you
think it Is simply lovely the way he blushes whenever you say anything to him? It Is
such an unusual trait in a man."
" Maybe," cynically observed the second girl. " But when a man blushes that way and
anybody is looking at the two of you, it always seems to me that his blushing is a dead
giveaway."
THE JUDGE'S MISTAKE.
"Haven't I seen you here before?" asks the Judge, sternly, of the man who has arisen
before the bar.
" Yes, sir," answers the man. " I have appeared before you several times."
" I do not like your calm, unconcerned way of replying to me," says the Judge, frown
ing. " It shows that you do not realize the harm you are doing yourself by permitting
yourself to be haled before the bench so often."
" But, your honor, you do not seem to understand "
" I understand perfectly. Tou ought to be ashamed. If you had a spark of manhood
left in you you would hang your head with humiliation at the thought of being recognized
by the court. Tour face, however, shows that you have long bidden farewell to"
" If it please the court, the court is"
"The court is not, sir! The court will not be interrupted, either. The court recog
nizes jou, sir. You have been here so often that the unscrupulous expression of your face
is too familiar to It The court would. If It had not that respect for the law which you
utterly iacK, Dispense
fa 'SH -
"Do you know, you are look
ing so charming that it is hard
for me to resist the temptation
to propose to you ?"
"But I never would marry a
man who did not have great
strength of character."
We ennrot decide
offhand wht horome
pt nple qti irrel fnr the
pieasuri of inak.r up
or make up fur the
sake of quarri ling
again.
I
Truth lies al the
bottom of a well, and
most of us are afrai !
o lif t our feet wet
The faculty of j,iv
Iiir the wrong th ne
at the ripht tlm. i
merely a vsriatlm- of
that peculiarity which
leads a man to lipht
a cigar In a powder
mill.
The man who can
eat mince pie boa s
of It n much as the
man who can't.
Sometimes folks whm
f nti i dn a oclal Ton
fir.d tl , t they h.ive .in
i 1 e p h a n t on their
bunds.
I.lttle ). chers l:;iv
bla ears, but lilp pitc li
crs pour out nion.
There are a lot of
ready made Jokes
nbout the self-made
man.
Riches take wings
but they buy the res
of the plumage.
What you eat and
what you wear is
what you get out of
life, but the trouble Is
that what the other
fellow eats and wears
is what you miss.
That " the end Jus
tifies the means "
should not be con
strued into " the end
Justifies the mean
ness."
TORY
filHim
Villon - bird of tht tarty timts,
fimiliarly calitd Francois
'Twts he who juggled so with rhymti
That we regard him now with Je ;
His Pegasus knew "Gee " from "Haw;'
He drove with all a jockey's art
And ran each race without a flaw
Villon gave Ihtst ballades their start.
Must he flee to some safer climes.
Did hunger at his vitals gnaw.
Or was he jailed tor varied crimes 1
In that he inspiration saw
And, pen he'd in a grimy paw
Would let his flashing fancy dart
Olltimes in measures rather raw
Villon g..vf these ballades their start.
His purre was even bare of dimes;
He often felt the grip of law ;
Yet he, the i I'iest of mimes.
Who stK most nights upon the straw
And wakmcd to the nucous caw
Of ravens, never shirked his part;
He never stopped at fate to jaw
Villon gave these ballades their start.
L'ENVOI.
Princess, the moral's here to draw:
When poets go into the mart
The editors say coldly: "Pshaw
Villon gave these ballades their start.
Hadn't Met Them.
She Knew Papa.
"Mnma, 1 wish 1 had mailed my letter
to Sunta Claus, too
"O, it will be all right. You gave it to
papa to mail.'1
"Yes, but we may find it in his pocket
next summer "
BETTER YKT.
"Thiink you," nays ..ie man who Is invited to drink,
stopped altogether."
" Cut jour t etoeth, have you?" asks the other.
" Hetter than that. I've cut my ' So' teeth."
' but I nave
HIS ERROR.
with the formality of
a trial 'and sentence
you forthwith. Let the
case be heard."
" Your honor"
" If you speak to the
court again you will
be committed to Jail
for contempt."
" All right, your
honor, but I'm the at
torney for the defen
dant there, and I've
got to speak If I de
fend him. The court
has seen me try Ave
cases before it, and
that may be "
At this point the
iudge ordered the
clerk to enter a change
of venue In the case
and took the attorney
outside to endeavor to
explain matters.
Into His Pocket.
" Can you give me
any idea which way
wheat will go today?"
asked the shoestring
speculator, handing
over his money to the
broker's clerk.
" No," answered the
clerk. " But I might
be able to tell you
which way your money
will go today."
Saying which, he
dropped the cash into
the till.
Thought of Posterity.
"But why," asks the
young husband, before
he goes out to buy a
lot of canned
goods to run lh
table until a new
servant may be
hired, "but why
did you nevr
learn to cook?
You had every
opportunity."
"I know I did."
a c k n owledged
the young wife
" But I ulwavs
said that no on
of mine should
cook things."
Unfathomable Man.
"Whit do you mean by having tuch a story printed
bout me?" asked the stir of the press agent. "The Idea ot
letting the papera publish an account of my having fallen
heir to a business block 1"
"But It was true." argued the press agent, "and I
thought that, considering the fact that it was real and no
fake, it would be "
Yes?" she sniffed. " And the tax assessor was around
to see me belore noon!"
Would Bother Him.
' Lost time," said the sage to the Idle youth,
' is never found again."
"Huh," commented the Idle youth, reeross
lng his legs, "it's a good thing it isn't. If I'd
And It again I'd have twice ns much time to
kill, and I'm kept busy as it is now, loafing "
KNEW THE MAN.
- i
"Miss Debbytant," said the erudite man at
the dinner, " you will find that the great majority
of the entrees are very rich."
" How nlcet " exclaimed the damsel. " I have
met so lew people. Are they here tonight?"
The Troubles of the Druggist.
The druggist had Just succeeded in selling a bjttle of his own
hair tonic to a man who wanted to know why the druggist was
baldheaded, and was still feeling sore over tho aisuti.cnt when
he came up to the cigar counter to wait on the lady v. lio had
hurried in as If her errand was of vast importance.
" Have you a directory?" she asked.
" Yes'm. There it is."
" I am looking for the address of Mrs. James Gillldy. May I
see the directory?"
"Certainly, madam. It Is right over there on the counter."
The lady thanked him, then-went to the counter and opened
the directory. The druggist had his attention lUtiactci, for a
moment by a man who wanted to buy u postal curd, then turned
to see the lady beckoning to him. lie went over to her, und uhu
asked:
"Do you know how to spell Gillidy?"
" No, ma'am."
" Are you the regular clerk here?"
" I'm here nearly nil the time."
" I thought you weren't the one I always have to wait on me.
He has a brown mustache."
" O, he is the night clerk. He comes on watcn at three in the
afternoon."
"Yes? He is such a courteous man."
The druggist excused himself and. stepped to the cigar counter
arain to exnlain to a man w no naa just come in that the store
did not give trading stamps on
was gone the woman
prescriptions. When the man
"IliKK'na S3 vou aggravate him."
l aggravate I hi, ? Why ?'
"He says you alva s laugh at the wrong
place when he tells a elory."
"Bless you, that's the only place you
can laugh at his stories."
A Criticism.
A graver who turned out s woodcut
Which was not at good he should cot,
Wei aiked by his boss
Who became very cross:
" Is this woodcut si good as you could cutl"
The graver replied! " Blr, I would cut
A woodcut as good as I could cut,
If you'd pay the price
For my making the slice
That would cut the woodcut a good cut."
'Mamma says a woman never can understand men."
"Does she?"
"Yes. She says if a girl has taken piano lessons, her husband
will not buy her a piano, but if she has taken cooking lessons the first
thing he will buy is a range."
ever be able to taunt his wife with stories of how his mother could
He Got the He anna.
"Mine," sighed the heroine, while the orchestra whispered along through a melancholy
combination of chords. " Mine is a long, sad story. Listen, and 1 will "
" One moment," hissed the villain, appearing suddenly from the wings. " Mine is a
short, funny story. I"
At this point the audience betan cheering the villain ;.nd the leading lady left the
stage In wrath.
HE MISJUDGED HER.
" No wonder you look poorly," said the bookkeeper to the stenographer. " The Idea
ot your lunching every day -on pickles and pie."
" Now, you are unjust," replied the stenographer. " The idea of my eating such a
lunch. I know the pie wouldn t agree
with them, so I never eat anything
except the pickles."
The Joy ol Riches
" And Is he truly so wealthy as is "
reported?" we ask. f
"Indeed, yes," they tell us. "He
makes Croesus look like a hobo." f
Little Henry's Slate.
called to him again:
" I've looked for all
the ways you could
spell Gillidy, but I
don't find it."
" Let me find It for
you."
He, in turn, hunted
for the name, running
his finger up and
down page after page.
but unsuccessfully.
" I guess it isn't
given here," he said, at last. " Have
you any idea where she lives?"
" No. Tou see, she Just moved
here last week, and I wanted to find
her address if possible, so I could,
write to my folks and tell them
where to reach her, because her hus
band used to "
But the druggist had gone back of
the prescription case and was madly
whirling a pestle around in a mortar
and saying things to himself. The
woman, giving him one look, turned
und left, saying so that he could
hear:
" Of all the disobliging people!"
Outside the door she turned sud
denly and came in again.
" I nulte forgot," she smiled. " I
wanted to get a stamp."
Just out of them," replied the
&fie Bewilderment of Wooing,
" Has everything he wants, and
never lint nis nana to ao a iningr-
"Sure. Why, he even pays a dentist f
ten tnousana a ytar jubi 10 pics is
teeth for him."
(
34V
HOYLE?
Sir Knight Alclblsdes was engaged
in a poker game in Algiers. The dey
of that country had bttn shoving In
his c&ih pretty lively, but at last was at the end of his resources.
," Ah," murmured Alciblades, pushing a stack of blues to the center of the table,
the dey is done the knight comes In."
Just for that the knight was soon rendered gloomy.
Ofuimee when me annwer the call of duty the line is crusted.
''ifleic
the
ce Jab at its unoffending side w ith
pestle.
1 when
druggist, cracking the mortar by a
I M lieu ptKiw uiuuuru uvri me iiure
again, he muttered:
j " But you bet whenever a drug
() clerk begins taking things for his
ft nerves there's a whole lot of criti
f cism."
J A Boy'
j If X was not s boy, I'd like
Ta be a lot e' thinrs
Like millionaires aa' engineers
An' circus men an' kings.
Sometimes you only get one wish.
If that should be the cie
I'd wish to be s bird, 'cause it
Pes't befte wash its face.
w;9h.
Jffil 'M
"I never know," sighs the fair young thing, "whether
to believe you or not."
"And I," said the swain, " never know whether to be
lieve that you believe me or rtot."
1