Don't watt until
you are down to
your last trunt In
order to there It
with friend.
Inducing a man
to make Sew Year't
resolution la Ilk e
marrying him to
reform him.
The Top os the Mornin
y W. D. Nesbit.
Alphabe
One Excuse Good as Another.
A Mistake We All jVfortte.
TORY
:-::-:::;''ewi
I ' V t r
t - - s
'rvl' 'I
HAKSPEARE
"J1 'J "
Sbalispeare, as all of us have read,
Once asked: " What's in a name? '
An alias for the rose, he said,
VJould make it smell iht same.
But Shaksptirt was so frivolous
Etcuse us if we say
That it has always seemed to us
His work was mostly play.
As
Shalk-
Shaxpere." "ShaAspere,"
speare, too.
His signature is found ;
His autographs are much too few
To be passed all around.
This shows the cumulative worth
Of honest, solid fame ;
The bidders come from all the earth
To buy his misspelled name.
He dramatized the thrilling scent
Where Caesar met his end.
Where Casca, hungry, lank and lean,
And Brutus, Caesar's friend,
Stabbed swiftly with their daggers bright
When Julius came In reach
Then Antony, thrilled at the sight,
Arose and made a speech.
No chorus girls were In his shows ;
In thtm no "social queens "
M ere given princely wage to pose
And dignity the scenes.
But there be those who say there art
Odd facts that can't be passed:
For Instance, oft we set a star
With ciphers in the cast
And this leads many to declare
That Bacon wrote the shows;
A cryptic secret hidden there
They say they will disclose.
It may be that each drama hoards
A Bacon cryptogram.
For often, proud upon the boards
There struts and strides a ham.
Another year hns passed Into
historical novel material.
It Is easy to find a friend whom
the New Year's Joke fits.
There Is Just one thing we should
like to see sworn off permanently
and that Is the pancake cap af
fected by the high school boys.
SUPERLATIVE DEGREE.
" Make this a happy New Tear
for me." pleads the enamored
swain. " Marry me, and I prom
Ise you 1 shall be a better man."
The beauteous damsel regards
him with kindly eyes for a mo
ment. " I want you to be a better
man," she hesitates, " but "
" But you camiot trust me?
Say not so, fairest of your "
" Not that, exactly. Hut. you
see Well, I'll tell you what I
can do. I can ask Harry to let
you be the best man. You see,
Harry and I are to be"
But one more unhappy wretch
had hastened out Into the wide,
wide, waiting; world.
While a man need not swear off
drinking unless he feels so In
clined there should be some wny
of compelling him to stop tellinK
the next day about what a time
he has been on.
A casual glance over the lOOj
almanacs does not discover any
new symptoms for the reader to
think he feels.
Now Is the time when the coy
young damsel throws a piece of
withered mistletoe away and re
flectively twists a new ring on
the third finger of
her left hand.
Nothing spoils a
good wish so much
as to couple it with
a few remarks on
how to uo better.
" Yes, my dear," said the fond husband, care
fully observing the wrapper of the cigar from the
beautifully labeled box she had given him on Christ
mas Day, " I have been thinking over the list of tny
bad habits, and have decided that the first day of the
new year ia the time to abandon some of them."
" 0, how noble I " exclaimed the trusting wife.
" Thank you. And I think I shall begin my
reformation by giving up tobacco in every form.'l
Atvut (ho 16th of January the
average pernon comes to the
conclusion that posterity will
not be sn greatly Interested In
his diary, after all.
Puppose we nil swear off se
lectliiK the habits that others
should abandon.
Yes, child, many a tr.an has
to slop smoking until he silver
enough money to pay for the
smoking jHrki t his wife give
him last week.
About seven thousand years
ago today Adam said ne
wouldn't eat any more apples.
w
And. brother, now that you
have concluded to stop It, the
temptations you have been
longing for will crowd about
your feet.
At this station on the world's
route the usual number of sjood
resolutions climb aboard for a
short ride.
Not only, gentle rendpr. do
we wish you a Happy New Year
but we hope that you had a
happy old year.
Some of us mny Wk sdnwn
the dim vista of the future to.
day, as the poets express It,
and see HGTi hnsards; others may
set 8U0 opportunities.
Tempus Mutantur.
He tued to breathe soft nothing! In her ear,
But now In harsher aooents will he bawl
The change which eomes on men from year
to year
Now makes the brute breathe nothing soft
at all.
Little Henry's Slate.
Where a man can
find one reason for ff
t I
r
A CUSTOM WITH THIS CALLER.
"Ah, the doorbell," says Mr. Slopay on the rust of January.
" S n one hn- clung to the good old custom of making New
Year's calls. I shall answer the bell myself."
Going to the door he says "Happy New Ye " but Is checked
by the remark of the man who extends to him a narrow slip of
paper.
" Mr. Slopay," asks the man, " can't you settle this bill? It's
been running for a year, and I've gut In the habit of calling for the
payment the first of every month. 1 want to drop the habit."
he Swears Off.
'i' 1
"How swiftly this old earth revolves,"
He says, with husky cough,
"I, think I'm full of good resolves
Or something! I'll swear off."
stoppings badhabi
he has friends who will furnish a dozen ex
cuses for continuing it.
About 10 o'clock this morning It may be
well for you to hold a little soul communion
with yourself using as an Inspiration the
little savings bank you began filling a year
ngo today.
MAKISQ MOSEY.
'My wife." says the first man, " thinks that the application of
a business system to household affairs is a great help."
" She does?" politely Inquires the second man.
" Yes. She got a new expense book the first of the year, started
in with a cash capital of $50, and at the end of a week showed me
that she ought to have a balance of $3,678."
" She must be a female Napoleon of finance."
Yes. But she had counted up all the yards of drees goods,
pounds of meats and groceries, as well as the numerals indicating
the year, In the total sum."
i
J
i
J
How. Indeed?
Re wires me "Happy Mew Year !"
But how does he expect
It to be so, when he has lent
The telegram collect!
HER DIARY.
a, book, moroooo bound, with gold
Ia woven arabesque
Upon the covers) it shall hold
The secrets of her heart
That to the book shall sach be told
In her coquettish art;
Zaoh thought and deed shall be enrolled,
And hidden In her desk.
Tor one short week the writes them down,
Trnthi not for other eyes
laoh smile and tear and sigh and frown,
And sach remembered Word,
Esoh speech of beau or Jest of clown
That her pink ears have heard
The talk and prattle of the town
Both wise and otherwise.
And than a month goes by, and she
Is faithless to hsr trust
Mo more shs sets down Joyously
Each feeling and each mood,
Mor writes of how she longs to be
In soulful lolitude
Ths dear and dainty diary .
Is dismal in ths dust. "
Another year, however Then
She bends her pretty head
Above the diary again
And faithfully she tries
To note the fscts, with busy pen,
Of how to turn out pies.
And cakes the man of all the men
Muit properly be fed,
"Ah," sighed the first man, "I shall lead a different life this
year."
"Why, yon have no bad habits," said the second man.
" I know it. I'm going to get a few. Then next New Tear's day
there will be some reason for my friends to pat me on the back and
say encouraging things to me."
However, good resolutions ars cheap, and they last longer than
most expensive Christmas gifts.
PROOF.
" I knew right away that she was an inexperienced cook," said
the woman who was discussing the servant question.
"How oould you tell?" asks the caller.
" Why, she hadn't even had sutlU ient experience to know enough
not to acknowledge that she wus inexperienced."
LUCKY MAN.
" My brother Sam la Juat half way around the world
from ua."
t4How fortunate you are, for you get your New
Year'a good wlahea halt a day ahead of him. "
" Yes, but bla December bills tall due half a day
later than mine. "
Human Na.tvire.
Mi. mv. ma i
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OFTEN.
1 X can put two and two together,"
Is what ws hear so often stated.
A risky thing ws don't know whether
'Twill bring results nncaloulatad.
A t) l
"Ah. how sad it la to look back down the trodden path of the old
year and contemplate the wasted opportunities and the unwitting mis
takes that line it."
"Yes. and how sad it Is to think that the opportunities were
wasted and the mistakes made by our friends never by ourselves."
What They Were For.
" You should not be loafing m ound the
streets," we say to the man who tells us
that he has closed his store for the day be
cause business is dull. " It Is not 2 o'clock
yet. You ought to be pushing your stock
and making trade live
ly."
" Pushing my stock?"
he Inquires. "Why, that's
what my customers must
do. I sell wheelbarrows."
AN EXAMPLE.
" The good die young,"
says the Sunday school
teacher. "Now, can any
little boy or girl give an
example of the meaning
of this saying?"
None answer for a mo
ment, but at length little
Johnny Sklnnem, the son
of the market man, lifts
his hand.
" You may give us an
example of the good dy
ing young, Johnny," says
the teacher.
" Turkeys, mum. No
body won't buy de tough
cnes."
MISLED.
"They say that war
correpon1ent who was
wounded before Port Ar
thur struck a really he
roic attitude when lie
realised the guns were
trained upon him,"
" Humph! ' He beard
the triggers clicking, and
thought the sound was
from kodaks, and threw
himself Into his usual
pose for being photo
graphed." It Is hard to be economi
cal when you have a nt w
expense book and are
proud of your ability as a
bookkeeper.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
" Freddy told mc he was going to swear oil proposing
to the girls the first of the year."
Did he? I think he will. I accepted him the day be
fore Christmas."
Well, I told him at the time that many a man put off
his reform until too late a date."
uaooooocs3Su. xu juuum.ujuj.vvu.'iio'?eoaowooo ooooccc
MEMORY INSURED.
"George," sighed the maiden fair to see, leaning softly against George's vest, "are
you sure you will not forget me?'
" Terfectly, my precious," whispered George, straining his neck to pull his head back
fat enough to get her pompadour out of his eyes.
" I know you say so now, but are you s-u-r-e, ducky, thnt you will think often of mc?"
" I shall think always of you, my pigeon."
" Of course you tell me this now, but but men are so fickle. Sometimes I fear your
mind may turn to another."
" Never, my heart's jewel," declared George, recollecting how the matinee heroes swear
undying affection.
" You make me so happy, but nevertheless, I have this haunting doubt. I wish I could
feel perfectly sure und confident that you will go right on thinking of me for months and
months "
" My darllnp, If you want to be positively sure, you need only to reflect that the ring
I gave you Christmas 1 bought ut a dollar down and fifty cents a week."
Hli.sfully happy In the knowledge that George could not fail to have her In hlB mind
for some time to come, the apple of his eye permitted her alabaster brow to rest against
lilj check.
WILL KLLP HIS VOW.
" Gawge Johnsing done p'omlse do Jedge dat he won' steal no chickens dls yeah," said
Uno' 'Zeke Snowball, returning home from the courtroom.
"'Jin I 'low dat do Jedge 'gree dul Uawge am takin' a honnubble step," said Aunt
Marfy.
" Yas'm. Pe jedge say he 'low dat Gawge aln' gwlne steal no chickens, 'ca'se he(
gwlne sen' Gauge up foh cr yeah. Yas'm." .
AS GOOD AS NEW.
Making Them Different.
"John," aald tba pataat msdloloa man to bla partner, "how
does the almanac for 1905 lookT"
" Fine," replied tha partner. " I think the people will like It."
" Well, yon remembar I told yon that lota oi folkahad objected
to oar using the Jokes in the same old shape all the time. Old yon
have any changes made In themt"
" 0, yes. I had the jokes printed In entirely different type."
Warmed Up.
" There goes Bllgly
across the street,"
says the man with the
Incandescent whisk
ers. " He looks pret
ty seedy. Didn't he
fall heir to a cool mil
lion the first of last
year?"
"Yes." replies the
man with the ingrow
ing mustache, " but It
was so hot It burnt In
his pockets."
What Shi Wanted.
" And I suppose you
will want It to be a
course dinner?" asks
the caterer of Mrs.
Justgottit, who Is
planning to entertain
u company of friends.
"Coarse dinner?"
she cries, mistaking
her lorgnette for her
scent bottle. "Coarse
dinner? No, sir. I
want a fine dinner.
I've got the money to
pay for the finest din
ner you can tlx up.
Coarse, Indeed!"
Humbled, the cater,
er promises to respeot
her wishes.
Have you ever no
ticed that the dealer
who gets a good slice
of your Income is the
one who Is apt to talk
to you in a fatherly
way about the advan
tage of saving money ?
The New Year and the Old Year met on the path of time.
"Hello," said the Old Year. "What is that package you are
carrying ? "
"It contains the good resolutions that signalize my Coming,"
answered the New Year.
"Huh," said the Old Year, exhibiting a similar package. "If
you'd let me know I'd have lent you these. They're the ones I brought
with mc when I came, and nobody would keep them."