Th election fore
raster now turrit his
attention to th goose
bona and Issues es
timates on the winter.
The Top os the Morning
Wonder how many
copies would be sold
of a magaslne that
featured an artlcla
on (food men and good
corpora lions.
y W. D.'Nesbit.
UNGRAMMATICAL BUT SINCERE.
v
"And don't you think you could learn to love me?"
' I I don't know."
"If you could learn to love me I should love to learn you to."
tforse Yet.
ONE MORE.
" I auppoae," snld the bright friend to the earnest humor
ist, " that your Thanksgiving turkey will be stuffed with
chestnuts."
" Yes," responded the earnest humorist, patiently, " and
I suppose you are about to contribute that chestnut about
my being able to stud the turkey with my own chestnuts."
The man who Is always kicking about the place where
he works and the way he Is treated generally varies thla
at times by kicking because his fellow employes do not
kick.
f
Little Henry s Slate.
THE HORRORS OF WAK.
"My I" said the cable operator, when the famous war cor
respondent placed forty closely written pages before him.
" That's a big story you're sending about the battle. Isn't it?"
" O," explained the correspondent. " I haven't begun the
story of the battle yet. This Is simply the narrative of how
far I bad to ride In order to file the dispatch." i
1
A
FRIENDS ON BOTH SIDES.
m
vmnuA, rTi .
mwi&. . .J ,
Young woman, about
the time you beocme
oonvtnced that you
ean wrap that young
man arouni your lit
tle flnge you a r
going to be surprised
at the resiliency of
that young man.
9
Tha same people
who kept us posted on
" How to Keep Cool "
during the summer are
now hard at work m
"How to Avoid Catch
ing Colds."
Hi Midi His Bow Wot,
We meet the gentle
man who delights
thousands each night
by Ms clever Imperso
nation of ft dog, In ap
propriate costume, In
the grea' extrava
ganza and spectacu
lar production.
" yours must be an
exacting r61e,"we say,
seeking to seem Inter-f-tpd
In his work.
" Indeed, yes," he
replies. " It Is SIrlus
work to be the dpg
star."
Heauty may be only
skin deep, but the
women realise that
most men don't mind
If It is only outlcle
deep, so long as It la
beauty.
Sometimes we get so
flustered hunting up a
synonym that when
we have found ft we
have forgotten what
we wanted to say.
Better Yet .
" I am clad you like
the pie," aatd the
bride, as her husband
helped, himself to an
other slice of her first ,,w j , .
... jnaaam, I ant sorrp to inform you
effort In the pie line. ' , . , .
"I do like It. and tnat Pour husband, tehile carrying the
that's the truth," said boUll of punch te another room, slipped
the groom, between and felt and broke "
hit. "His leg?"
.r,:eV,o.VrOUr",0th" "N- The punch boW
Better nThat it'sasood "Af" Where is my smeillng bottlel"
a the pies father used to say another ought
Uj make."
SHE WONDERED.
The captain of the ship -ias JusT finished
explaining to the coy young thing with the
lambent optics all about the gulf stream,
how It follows a channel of Its own through
the ocean and makes the temperature pleas
ant wherever It goes.
" O, captain," she exclaims, clasping her
hands with enthusiasm. " Wh don't you go
to work and get up a company nd have a
oanal cut right through all the cold water In
the ocean, so that the gulf Rtream may run
everywhere and make everything nice?",
UP TO HIM.
George," she said, shyly.
"Yes, Ethelinda?" he re
sponded, gently.
'" The year Is drawing to ft
close, is It notT"
" It is, Ethelinda. But a
few weeks remain of it."
" And it is leap year. Is H
not?"
She blushed suddenly, while
George fidgeted with his fin
gers and got ready to hear
the all Important question.
" It Is leap year, Ethel
inda," he Bald, encourag
ingly. " Well, George, do
you want me to go
thror "i life with the
constant knowledge
that I am married to a
man who didn't have
sand enough to pro
pose, himself?"
George didn't want
her to.
run
"If: Iff ' 1
1 , -
1 i It I
ill W ;
' i ' Its
: ' I - : i
-. - s t f
The old fashioned
husband permitted
Ms wife to build the
flree; the modern
husband allows her
to scold the Janitor
because there Isn't
enough heat.
Take one of these
men who are al
ways telling their
trouble, and atier
he get through be
wailing them he
goes on for awhile
about the lack of
sympathy for him.
But sometimes It
Is just as pestering
to meet men who
are forever rehash
ing their good luck.
Many a woman
smothers her litera
ry talent because
ink stains do not
look well on pretty
Angers.
C
nty the man
whose Impression of,
pumpkin pie has
been gained from
the squash concoc
tion. There are some
women who would
be willing to cook
menls like mother
used to cook If they
didn't hnve to wash
the dlshea. like
mother used to,
also.
We cannot under
stand the patronis
ing air of some folks
when you tell them
you haven't read
the novel they think
ie the latest
It la astonishing
how many reasons
a man can give for
not having gone to
the St. Inputs fair.
The payless patient Is ft pain
ful subject with the painless den
tist. ,
MWWfeMMMKHIIIHIIIIIIIIIIIIMII
Back of the Scenes.7
"Shakspeare would turn over la his tomb," said the
stage manager, "If be could see how you murder this
part."
"He'd turn back again and call for chloroform If he knew
how you stage manage the show, " retorted the matinee
hero.
In Ostrichville.
AT LEAST.
" Doctor," says the
man who has suffered
parab'sla of the arms,
" io you think you
can do anything for
me? Will J recover the
use pf my hands and
arms?"
"Why,Ithnk,"says
the dootor, gravely,
that already your
right hand is improv
ing and that no doubt
within a week you m
M
Borne of us give the credit
to Instinct when we make a
good guess.
All the world's a stage,
which explains why so many
people do press agent work
for so many others.
The longer the courtship,
the shorter t lie married life,
If that Is going to make peo
ple any happier.
jf EWTON.
Now, Ntwton, in f he orchard hit an spplt
strike his head.
"Til amity t 'lis grsvitft" utUtitf he
Slid.
Had roe or I been sitting there a-fhfnna of
this earth,
As Mewton wis, and wondering sbout its
size end girth,
And lust when we were figuring a long and
fieary sum
The spple hit us en the mind snd mad our
bald spot numbl
We lay, had yon or I been fhere, ai Newton
was that day.
Would there have been much gravity in what
we had to say 7
This shows how great It is to bare a scientific
mind
An intellect that reaches out to it wftaf It
may Una.
Perchance an ordinary man In such a circum
stance Would have got up and rubbed hit head and,
done a little dance,
And muttered things that gentle foHl should
scarcely ever stale,
And nof concede the apple simply, hid to
gravitate.
Again, we say. it Newton's place was held by
you or I,
Instead of gravity we might have fhouohf of
apple pie.
You see, again we make the point that scien
tific minds
Discover facfi which any bnln that's eommon
never finds.)
You see, when Newton fell fhe loll fed science
did not stop I
He simply meditated en "What madt fhe
apple drop?"
And while In cogitation deep beneath the tree
he lay
He mused : " It's odd that apples never drop
the other way."
Once more : It you of I had been beneath the apple tree;
We might have howled: "Who was it threw that apple and hit at ?"
To finish this, however, with becoming gravity, '
We'll state that Newton lingered there benealh the apple treat
With logarithmic tables he discovered that the speed
At which the apple tell was basei on whence It fell Indeed,
Had it dropped from the moon, we'll say, it would have grown $ not
That It would have been melted up before to earth it got.
Again, and finally, had you or I held Nekton's seat.
We should, like he did. take the apple up and start to eat.
THE CHANCE.
" I don't think that poker Is a game of chance, after all," say thu
lamb wh'i has been run up against a cold deck in the gambling ptrlorj.
"No." ' Inqulreo the dealer, taking them off the bottom as he neeuit
them.
" No; repeats the youth. Idly gazing at the two deuoea he ha been
dealt. " Where's any chance about this game?"
"Why. my boy, there's always a chance that it will be pulled."
SPOILS HIM.
" That Rirs. Doutem wearies me," says Mr. Knotem. " She Is so
jealous of hr husband she won't trust him out of her sight"
" But do you want to see him away from her?" asks Mrs. Isslt.
" Nevr In the world. But her attitude toward him convinces blm"
that he is a perfect lady killer ond he worries a person to death wita
his surreptitious smiles and glances."
:
ALMOST A NONENTITY.
" Scribbles doesn't seom to have grasped his opportunities as war'
corresnordent In Manchuria, does he?" asks the friend.
" I should say not," responds the other friend. " Why, the mac
hasn't even actually, npwl hasn't even had one picture taken show
ing him nnd his pack mule and corps of servants."
Shaking their heads dolefully, the two say that really he was a
young mat. of promise when he went over there and they would havj
axpected better work of him.
" What art these, my dear?" ask Mrs.
Ostrich.
" Som things I picked up at that camp
of human beings."
" Go back and see if you can't get a few
braid of bair to trim my bonnet with."
Ill be able to sign checks."
Not Much.
" I unueistand you had a
regular spread over on your
Island last week," says the
first cannibal k.ng.
" I don't see how you got
such an Idea," replies the
other. " We merely had a
little picnic lunch a few
shipwrecked sandwich
men."
A GOOD FELLOW.
A good fellow Is a man who dines well, tells good stories, dresses
well, si.i iWb, drinks and spends his money freely.
A good fellow, to make it more brief, is a man who smokes, drink.
- tells good stories and spends his money freely.
But it has been demonstrated by experiment and observation that
a man can be a good fellow if ho merely spends his money froely. .
After he has spent it he will have a nice stock of stories about What
a good fellow he used to be c.r.d nobody to listen to the stories.
KNEW HIS SAFETY.
The man who had been arrested for having eight wives was awak
ened by a fellow prisoner, who hoarsely whlHpired:
" Come on, sport. We've got some false keys and unlocked the cel.
doors and we're all going to escape."
" L,ook here," said the octngrmist desperat ly. " Unless you prom
ise i ' that when you all get out of the jail vou will lock the doors
carefully again. I'll raise a racket and expose your project"
' Why, what's wrong? Don't you want to escape?"
" Escape? You lock me In here and go on about your huslneau.'
Don't you know these steel bars are all that separate me from sight
wives?"
! tell you' Mid the husband, glancing at' the paper, " that war in the far
east Is an awful thing."
"Isn't it, though?" said wifey. "Why, some of my friends sympathize with
ono side and some with the other, and so I have to wear a Russian blouse with a
kimono when I have any unexpected callers."
Bright and Fair No. 2."
recontributed in leply to " Brite and Fair," whlc
recently appeared In the Line-o'-Type or Two colum.-.
of The Dally Tribune.)
Yes, 44 britt and fair" those boyhood days !
Our thoughts with pleasure tarn
To rambling In iht mountain ivays
cAnd by the flowing barn.
Our thoughts turn backward, and it seems
Those Joys aaain tve feel;
We limp once mort, Itohen in oar dreams,
With 44 stone bruise" on our heel.
Yes, 44 brite and fair" those golden hours;
Few clouds to intervene
Our griefs like short, sunshiny showers
With fairtr skies between.
Made boyhood' $ life a pleasant song
We 1oald not well forego.
Our greatest pain, not lasting long,
Was then W 44 stubbed" our toe.
Yes, 44 brite $nd fair " my tell the tale
Of happy days long gone,
"But every boy recalls the "to ah
Which after morning's dawn
Camerinaing from (he old woodshed
cAs o'gr hit father's knee
He lots in IPtsdom's pathway led
Ah, bygone memoryj
Yes, " britt nd fair." Ho4) short the time
Since 19 xvirt restive boys.
And how toe. longed, with faith sublime.
To share in manhood's joys
Compelled nun's burden once to bear
Our sorrows had beauru
Then disappeared our boyhood's crt
cAs dels before the sun. .
DESPERATE.
it i irii i t ...jr- t i'f u -
"O, do be careful ! It would be awful if the auto ahould atart now."
" Well," came a muffled voice from beneath the machine, " if it trt now,
after we've been tinkering for half a day, for goodness sake don't do anything to
top it."
