The Problem Solved.
I, ,11 Jti
. j k a 1.1 bi - r mst , - : i m s m
" Now, professor, if I should get a pound of radium and put it into a glass tube,
and place that inside an iron tank, what would be " ( x
" Walt a minute. Let us take the problem up section by section. If you should
get a pound of radium you wouldn't have enough money left to buy the glass tube."
When you aee (our young men around a
table In a cafe at an hour when all of them
ahould be at work you may bet what you Ilka
that one of them la telling what great men
some of hi anceatora were.
That Long Hair.
V- ii l i m f ...,yiLu i
V. If LaswT I 'JT, W Ml 1
fsald
I the fluffy lady to tha gentle-
as leaf hair, - It Eoit be iplen-
Sear the applanie of thousands."
" Tom Batter me," ait-hod tha long haired
" Indeed I do not When yon kloked the
ball from the forty yard line yesterday and
aU the folka In the grandstand arose
and '
" raraon me," Interrupted the Individual
with pltnteon hair. " Pardon me, hut evi
dsntly there la some mistake. I am not a
football player, X am the author of Soul,
fnl Sonnets.' "
Whereat the fluffy lady stammered her
apologias and harried away.
HAD TO WAIT.
For four hours the patron had eat gloomily In the
close little back room of the tailor ahop which bore
the sign: " Tanta rressed While You Wait"
From time to time he had peered cautiously over the
screen, but so far had not Been the busy tailor pressing
hia pants. Now he waa growing aweary.
"Here." he called, " what's the matter with you? I've
been waiting a long time. It seems to me."
" Tea, sir," answered the tailor.
"And your sign says
'pants pressed while you
wait.' I'm in a hurry, or 1
wouldn't have"
Well, you're waiting,
ain't you 7" demanded the
tailor.
THE SADDEST CITS OF ALL
"Ah," sighed the roman
tic maiden, " these days
of fall seem to be per
meated with an Inexplic
able, - Indefinable melan
choly. Mr. Bustedd, do
they not bring to your
mind many aad, solemn
thoughtaT"
" They do. I n d e e d."
shivered Mr. Busted d.
" The saddest and solemn
eet thoughts of the year
come to me at this season,
when 1 am wondering why
1 pawned my overcoat Inst
spring and how In the
world 1 am going to re
deem it"
IT HELPED.
"Hello," says the land
lord of the village Inn,
" there goes old Corporal
Jones. 1 declare, I hnrdly
knew him; he Is wearing
such good clothes nowa
days." " Yes," answers the man
who runs the corner groc
ery. " He got a back pen
alon and now he can make
a good front."
Polished (he Tooth.
" Isn't It remarkable,
aid the man In the front
row at the theater, " how
he holds her youthful ap
pearance?" " It is truly wonderful.
Indeed," replied the man
next to him.
" 1 wonder what she uses
to defy the tooth of time.'
Darwinian Items.
THEM.
" Well," said the monkey, " it is pretty well con
ceded that man is descended from my ancestors. Noth
ing has been handed down from yonr section Of the
creatures.."
" 0, 1 don't know," answered the parrot. " Qnlts a
bunch of tea table talk has a parroty tinge."
" I have understood that she t"" dental powder as a cosmetlo."
A KAINY DAY SKIR.T.
One morning In the garden of Eden, Eve strolled over to the rubber
plant and began plucking its leaves.
" What are you going to do, my dear?" asked Adam.
" Why, you said last night tho.t we should have rain today, so l
thought 1 would make a rainy day costume."
ITS SPEED RECORD.
SNAP SHOTS.
The 'store detective has
captured a woman In the act
of stealing aome hand
painted miniatures. She
has been taken before the
Justice for trial.
" What is your business,
madam?" asks the justice.
"1 am ft a photographer,"
she replies.
"If you can satisfy me
that you follow such a pro
fession I shall be Inclined to
deal leniently with you."
"Ask that detective if 1
wasn't taking pictures the
tlrst time he saw me."
Actually, "please'
dollar half the time,
will buy more) than a
WHAT SHE CAME FOR.
The senior village gossip
calls upon the second in com
mand of the brigade of
rumor retailers.
" 1 hear that Mr. Jones got
mixed up in a sensntlonal
affair when he was away
the last time," says the sen
ior gossip.
"Do tell!" exclaims the
other, throwing her hands up In surprise.
And then, of course, the senior gossip told.
CO
HOLDS ON TO IT.
"There goea old Stickfaat. I tell you he haa the
faculty of making money cling to bis fingers," ob
served the native.
" What line Is he in?" asked the visitor.
" He owna that big glue factory west of town."
Has your machine ever gone sixty miles an hour ? "
I should say so. It was shipped to me by express, you
Some folka are in favor of short courtships, others
demand long courtships, while still others say noth
ing as to choice but are satisfied with any kind of a
courtship.
SLATE.
km
ow.
lAtxrther tmctTmatton
of Mr. Kipllngi "They.")
I had put on the high
speed and was spinning
merrily across the ups
and downs, when sud
denly the whole land
scare slid beneath me
and then whirled
around on top of me
and biffed me aa hard
aa Learoyd did Mul
vaney In. But that ia
another etory about
another story.
B"on I realized that
I was obstructing the
highway, so I got up
and walked over to'the
ditch, where he ma
chine, a frying pan
l.ard with a tin-and-a-hnlf-enu
detached, was
standlns. grinning ob
stinately at me, all the
cams flu ca'm as the
choicest Iloosler dia
lect. Where waa I? I
did not know. I took
out my road map. with
the little red road Indi
cators skipping up and
down across the town
ship lines like the record
on a fever chart, and
studied It attentively.
It told me nothing. I
might as well have tried
to gather the symboli
cal interpretation of a
time table.
Suddenly I realized
that I was not alone.
Over between the trees
I saw a flashing of color
that bespoke the peer
ing of a redheaded boy. Still further on
I could see a checked gingham skirt
flitting among the bushes. One moment
I could see them; the next moment they
were Invisible. Yet I could have sworn
there were children about. I could have
sworn then, and doubtless I felt a great
deal like doing so, but I checked myself.
I opened the tool box and laid out the
stethoscope and the monkey wrench and
the hammer and cold chisel and thehy
draullc Jack and other things and began
to meditate upon how much the repair
man would charge me for fixing the
auto. Whilst I was pondering the sub
ject there came a clear, boyUh treble
from the darkness of the wood. It cried :
"Gettahorse! Qittahorse!"
I could have sworn, as I said, that
there were children about, and now I
did swear. Some eighty rods back on
the road I had run Into a dog and his
hark was now on the sea of eternity.
An Indignant "Yah-h-h!"
that succeeded the
f'og's last yelp had Im
pelled me to give the
machine the highest
epeed, and had caused
the marvelous mobility
f the landscape.
Now the children, I
cou'.d almost feel, were
creeping closer and
clestr. watching me to
fee what I would do
next. I had raised the
rear wheels from the
ground and was un
plugging the spark
plug when a woman's
voice came from the
wood.
" Have you e n
them?" she asked.
CITOTYYPV
X via A
-Jb" raf-v: - a r - , w i
IWVTT
SOS
Do you know the man who always finds an
excuse to tell you about the time he missed
a train and had to walk twenty miles?
If we genuinely disliked a candidate, after
he was defeated we should collect all the
campaign buttons bearing his picture, and
ship them to him In Installments.
A Successful Operation.
I asked, in return.
LITTLE HENRY'S
The Forgetful Story Teller,
i ll ,m Ii A
: . . . I
mai
Vi S S, 1
I
Hn....ji.h... im'i na know. Htart It only UUI Borninj. n IHI1
ho U alwaya forjotttm tha end ol to. ttory-Ui Joke and, you know, lad atarta In n
t. itorr, ana then Jut whau h. U Li. ltataner. at to. top pitch ! uHtioa,
bleta mil I do.'t rame.ker .xaliUj how tha a..cdota ttnlahea, ht It la poalUf aly aide.pUt
MASSAGE.
" No uae talking to me about hair tonics," said the
flrat man. " Every one of them muat be thoroughly
rubbed in, the instructions say, and it Is the rubbing
in that does you good, if anything."
" As far as that la concerned," remarked the man
with the thin spot at the crown of hia head, " as soon
as your hair begins T
to fall your friends NCVIUrally INOl.
will keep rubbing the
fact In upon you."
If a man really knew
the whereabouts of
everything in a de
partment store he
would be far too valu
able a man to be a
floorwalker.
Thla haa been hand
ed in, with a request
that it be printed:
" Poker axiom You
are a Good Fellow if
you lose and a Sonofa
gun if you win."
Poker is a bad game.
Not only do you waste
your time in it but
there are occasions
when you will also
waste money.
Poor relations can
not help thinking rap
Idly when listening to
their rich uncle ask
ing the blessing ever
the family dinner.
It seems to us that
the mosquitoes o t
summer are not half
o aggravating as the
unexpected slick spot
oa the sidewalk in
winter.
'
Borne, people only
bold a job long enough
to get rtrno.
" Who?1
" Them."
" No, but I have heard them."
" Ah, and then you, too, understand."
" I do," I said, looking from beneath the
machine at her, but seeing nothing except
the hem of her skirt and the toes of her
shoes. I worked on, slowly, wondering
where I was, while she sat down on the
bank at the roadside and said many things.
But I refused, between my clinched teeth,
to pay for the dog. Soon there was another
childish exclamation from the hidden
depths of the forest and an intangible some
thing broke upon me.
I crawled out and rose to my feet, talk
ing rapidly and waving the monkey wrench
toward the woods.
" Don't!" she begged. " When you talk
that way you make even the Egg look
more awful."
" Of course It looks awful," I replied. " It was an
awful egg. Why did those Imps throw It at me?"
She smiled vacantly. Ah, I mused, the emptiness
of her life, when even her smile is vacant!
"The Egg," she resumed, presently, "Is as old aa
the hills."
I merely sniffed.
"I was keeping it until cold weather, when they
will be worth forty cents a dosen," she confided,
with that frankness which characterizes those who
dwell In quiet places.
" I would rather have bought It than caught It,"
I answered, climbing aboard the auto and twisting
ETHU-
11 ii SELAH
tftthustlih lived long ago
Ht ms Iht Old Inhabitmt
Thest timts, but never had a show;
His opportunities wtrt scant.
Although he lived nine centuries
And three score years and nine beside.
The times he saw were net like these,
A chance to spread he was denied.
He could not seek the corner store
And lunch on crackers, cheese, and prunes.
And there display his helpful lore
Through mornings and through afternoons;
He could not talk about the days
When folks first saw the telegraph
Or telephone; how their omaze
Made better posted people laugh.
He could not take the stranger out
To some tall building, then say: "Her,
An' for a good ways hereabout
use to shoot the ben and deer. "
Skyscrapers were an unknown thing,
Excepting Babel, in his land
And Babel only served to bring
Speech that he could not understand.
(Perhaps this Babel Item is
Anachronistic ; as to that
We'll say one pleasant thing was his;
He never bad to rent a flat. )
Anothar Joy In bis career
Was tblst nobody ever told
Methuselah the staled year
When ht Should bt considered old.
At thirty- five he was not barred
From working It ht wanted to;
He i d not need a union card
His daily labors to pursue;
And when hi$ ftar was s,nowy white
And agt his manly form had bent
Nobody called him young and bright
And ran him tor vice president.
It seems to us that In a popular novel the
bigger fool the hero is the bigger success the
book makes.
THB BUSY BAKER.
Row doth the busy taker man
Improve the shining minute!
He makes a batch of pumpkin pie
And pats no pumpkin In It.
Once in a while you meet a man whose idea
of being a patriot is not to be talking a'bout
It all the time.
After a man's name has been Inscribed on
the list Imbedded In a corner stone he thinks
all the time of the amazement that will strike
somebody a hundred years later.
WHEN THE IDOL WAS SHATTERED.
He was a football hero,
With pride his name was balled,
Until one day his wig blew off
And showed that he was bald.
Ceesar's neighbors should be above sus
pecting his wife.
Horse sense teaches you what Is right and
mule sense helps you to kick when you do not
get it.
iare.
Doctor Squills "So you operated on the)
mlllloneUre for appendicitis. WheU did you re
move from hlm7"
Doctor Knifem " Ten thousand dollars."
Trie Gofctler'a Nitftitma
At midnight, in his guarded coop,
The turk slept, dreaming of the day
When he at last should fade in soup
In boarding houses' good old way.
Clean linen keeps you from telling hard
luck stories.
Carries a Moral.
"When yoo get to be my age. younf man, yoo will not
think of wearing- such clothiof as you wear now."
"Why, good gracious. eov if I get to be your fi. too,
hew ia th world seuU I fat into tha thisfsT"
the lever.
" You must never
come back this road
again," she told me.
as I started away.
F u r t h er, she men
tioned s o m e t h ing
about constables and
dogs and damage
suits for running Into
buggies. There was
a mysterious portent
In what she said. I
went on.
As I turned Into the
cross road I felt a
quick, brushing kiss
on the back of my
head.
Again therewas
that childish treble
laugh from the wooda.
A brickbat had
sipped through my
hat.
Then I understood
that I must never go
back that it was not
for me to see Them
Any more, unless I
settled for the dog.
One trouble about
being a really great
soldier is that In the
rush and bustle of
retreat or victory
you have to stop for
a few moments to
think up a nlBtorlo
expression, or one
that will become his
toric. And In those
few moments the
other fellows may
win.
' murmured the first auditor
"They he sets a fabulous salary,'
while the celebrated tenor was singing.
" Well, you know what a fable is," replied the second auditor, who was
beginning to feel that his $5 had been wasted.