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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Sept. 25, 1904)
Looking; Out fur Hist Jolt.
X the Mucking rooms at Wiesbaden
there came up one of tluiso dis
cussions as to tho best form of
government which are never any
the les earnest because they
happen to be impromptu,
who hail 1h" most to say
the Jiiiini.' A me 1:1 an, loud
of democracy, and this
was, us usual,
in his defense
noticed a tall, gray bearded gciiih-ii.:in
pitting near, who smiled continually as ho
followed the conversation with evident In
"My argument does lint seem to convince
you, sir," said the American to this audi
tor of hl.o eloiuence. "Will you favor us
with your reasons for not preferring that
fom of government?"
"Certainly," came the instant reply, "and
I think you wfll agree with me that I have
several most excellent reasons. The first
Is I am King Oscar of Sweden and Nor
w:.y." The. American did not ask to hear the
triers. New York Times.
Wnnlil Stop Itiinaway Horses.
Once, when Daniel Webster was riding
along a New Knglnad road In a stago
conch, so the story rues, he. was annoyed
by the Jolting and poked hfs head out of
the window to yell at the driver.
"Hey, can't you drive a little slower?"
"No," responded the coachman, "the
horses are running away, sor."
"Hun 'em into a fence corner," advised
"I'nii't, sir," said the driver reluctantly
ninl despairingly. "They've got the hi is be
tween their teeth, sir!"
"Well, run them into debt, then," thun
dered Daniel. "That'll stop anything!"
From Ilrlde tai Bicycle.
Rev. tiinrge Wright, who for eighteen
years has b"en a city missionary In Lowell,
Mass., tells Ml interesting story of his ef
forts to prevent young mill operatives from
marrying before their wages would sup
port a home.
A young man who had not yet attained
the voting age, and who frequently had at
tended the evening service at the Ministry-at-lirge,
culled at his office one merning
mid told him that he had bien keeping
company with a girl for several weeks, and
wanted to marry her at oncee.
The clergyman found that his wages left
him a margin of only " over his board, and
advised him to wait for a year before
taking the matrimonial ptep. The young
man was reluctant to accept the advice,
but Anally agreed to think the matter over
for six months.
Mr. Wright loRt Fight of him soon after
ward, and did not come across him again
In several months. Theft the following con
versation took place:
"Well, John, how are you getting along
in the mill?"
"All right. I've got a steady job, nnd am
doii i; v ell."
"And how about the marriage?"
."oh. 1 guvo that up."
"What was the matter?" asked the cler
gyman, seeing, as he thought, the fruit
ef his advice.
"Well," replied' the young man, seriously,
"I bought a bicycle Instead." Hartford
Vi'lin Ik the Itext Mini,
Congressman Mudd of Maryland recently
told of a dispute on matters political be
tween an Irishman of Haltimore and a
friend from Montgomery county, louring
the course of their somewhat heated argu
ment the Irishman announced with consid
erable emphasis that he would never vola
any sav" the democratic ticket.
"I'm glad to say that I am no such hid
bound partisan as you," said the Mont
gomery county man. "I make It a rule ti
vote for the best man, no matter what
his party is."
"I'pon me soul, I always thought ye mug
wumps and rayformers was a crazy lot,"
exclaimed the Celt, "and now 1 know it.
lb iw are you golif to ti ll who is the. best
man till the votes are counted?"
Sick Itoom llallcllns.
Down In a Virginia town the aged pastor
of one of the churches fell ill n4 long lino.
He was beloved by all Hie neighborhood
and a constant stream ff anxious friends
rang the bell to make inquiries. The nurse
in charge was an intelligent negro woman
and s1k decided to issue bulletins at fio
quent intervals. She wrote them herself
and pinned them to the front door, and this
is the. way they read as thiy appeared
"liov. lilank am very sick."
"Later-Kev. Hlank am worse."
"Night ltev. lilank am sinking."
"Morning Hev. Ulank liave sunk."
II iided the lllovv.
ISisbop Henry C. Totter le!U a story of a
clorg man out west who addressed a Sun
day Fchoel class. After a short discourse
lie wound up by taylng in a very nutcrnaJ
and condescending way:
"And now Is there a-a-n-y little boy or
a-n-n-y 111 tie girl who would like to ask
(letting no response, he repeated his
qui tv. and then a shrill, piping HI tie voico
in the rear of the room called oat:
"Please, sir, why did the angels walk up
snd down Jacob's ladder when they laid
"Ah yes I pee," paid the nonplused
teacher. "And now, is there a-n-n-y littlo
boy or girl who would like to answer btt!o
SnltnMe I'lII llcnrern.
They tell a good story of a well-known
contractor in Chicago, hamed Coleseed,
who had always been very active with all
sorts of schemes. Although his means w ro
not large, he had managed to keep his head
above water through tho aid of pretty
nearly all tho banks.
His wife was discussing with him the
sudden death of Heirnan Hutler nnd said:
"Mrs. ISutler told me that her husband
selected bis pall bearers before he dp d.
I think it was ho nice of him, my char;
If you were taken before me, who would
you like to have act as pa" bearers?"
Colese.d thought a moment and thm mid;
"Well, dear, ask the presidents of the eight
leading banks of Chicago. They have car
ried mo all my life." New York Times.
Horrors of Hiinfe Wjir.
The horrors of war have their allevia
tions. While tho battlo of the f.th was
raging an ofllcer of the Second Georgia dis
covered two privates of his regiment reeon
noltering a position held by two Virginia
"Why aren't you engaged?" yelled the
"They haven't proposed yet," tittered the
"I'll have them court-martialed for cow
ardice," s.?ld the gallant officer, raising his
cap. "They are a disgrace to Georgia."
The Fifth Massachusetts lost two flags
In Wednesay's tight, but not until every
man was declared dead by the umpires. The
unfortunate regiment sufft red fearfully
from tlie ungrummatical expressions of the
ftffrtcfclng party. Shortly nfter noon n split
infinitive knocked tho entire fourth com
pany sense!) .-s.
In Tuesdays lighting the Ninth Massa
chusetts, which Is composed of Irish-Americans,
covered itself with glory. It bad reck
lessly exposed itself to a crossfire from two
batteries, and the umpires had pronounced
It "dead entirely." A painid expression
darkened the handsome face of Colonel
O'l loniig an; but only for a moment.
"Hoy;i," he shouted to his stricken troops,
"yea have died once for America; now
once more for ould Ireland!" The umpires
Were powerless to save them. I loth bat
teries were captured. Atlanta News.
One of llacotu'a Stories.
This story of Lincoln seems to be a new
otie. It was related at tin old settlers' meet
ing at Mt. l'leasant. la., by the late Sena
tor James Harlan of Iowa, who kerved as
secretary of the interior under Mr. Lin
coln, and whose daughter Mary is the wife
of Hubert Lincoln, ex-sei retary of war and
now a leading lawyer and capitalist of Chi
cago. Some politicians had called on President
Lincoln to urge the appointment of sumo
of their friends to positions In a certain de
partment. l!y way of refusal the president
told the following story:
"Gentlemen, the conditions in that de
partment put me In mind of the time that
a young friend and myself tried to court
the two daughters of a peppery widow liv
ing near our homes. The old lady kept a
lot of hounds.
"We had not been In the howe long be
fore one of Die himnils came Into the room
and lay down before the lire. In a littlo
while another one came to the door, lie
didn't get in, for the old lady gave lilm a
kick, pa ing:
"(let out of here! There's too many dogs
In hero now!"
"We concluded to court some other
rnnld Vol MrlUe less.
On the promenade deck of the Teutonic,
on bis way to America, John Hedmond, the
Irish nationalist leader, was Interrupted
one nlnht by the musical clang of the ship's
bell and the Impressive call of the watch
through the darkness "All's well."
"That bell," said Mr. Hedmond, "reminds
rne of a story. It Is a story of one of those
hard drinkers; those men of six and seven
bottles, who were a feature of tho rosy past
rather than of the present century.
"This man, rosy and cheery, sat at a
table one night with his boom companions.
Itottles of jxirt and Maderla, baskets of
nuts, a Jar of tobacco and a rack of pipes
were banked on the board. The vine passed
quickly from man to man. The pipes filled
the air with smoke. Songs were sung.
8tories were told. The hours passed like
"All of a sudden It stuck 1.
"The guests leaped up In consternation.
They said It was late, and they must bo
going. They were aman d at tho hour.
"Hut their hard drinking host roared at
them to resume their seats.
"'Struck 1?' he said. 'What If it has?
It can't slike less. Prink on. Drink on.' "
Senator Cocl:rel of Missouri went fishing
down the Potomac with a friend not long
ago. A nlone tied to a rope held the boat
at the place where the two decldi-d to try
their lack. The fish did not bite, so after
an hour or two the senator and his friend
returned, the latter rowing. Ho noticed
that the boat seemed to be very sluggish
in responding to the oars, but had no idea
of the reason until the landing was
icaelnd. Then the man from whom they
rented the boat said: ".ledge, you don't look
drunk and you haven't the smell of liquor
on you, but this Is the first time I ever saw
two sober nun pull a boat for three mile
with the anchor dragging." "1 paid for tho
boat, til, hi t I'.'" replied the senator testily,
not caring to aillnit his furget fulness.
"Well, Ha n, il is none of jour daniil busl
r.e.s If we wanted to gel u little extra
I'p ! llnvvn.
The following telephone conversation, re
cently overheard between a woman w hosu
borne Is In the suburbs and a business ac
quaintance of her husband, illustrates some
of the ourlositi.s i f our language:
Holiness Acquaintance dood morning,
Mrs. . I'd like to siak to Mr. for
Mrs,. . I'm sorry, Mr. , but my
husband Isn't down yet.
H. A. (inquiringly 1 - Isn't down yet?
Mrs. .- I nieen he l:-n't up yet. I'm
letting him s.leep late this morning; he was)
fo down last evening over his olhce troubles
that he was about ready to give up. Ha
says he'll be down as soon as he gets up.
Harper's Weekly. i
Mftrftliull P. Wlltler'n l.ntes.
In Newport recently Marshall P. Wilder
contrihutid to the gaily that followed an
elaborate dinner given by Mrs. William 1!.
Leeds at K.iirlawn. He was feeling well
"as fit as a w:iss nt a camp me ting," was)
the simile that occurred to him as lust de
seiit.Mr; ids condition. Hut the brealh was
lim-ckcd out of his body by a preliminary
request of the hosti ss. "Now, Mr. Wilder,
ou will give us aotiie new jokes-at least
one -won't you?" Thus, then, he led off:
"Ladles and gentlemen, the eyes of tho
world today are at the portholes. The men
ore looking at Port Arthur and the women
There was a rustle of silken petticoats,
a flutter of fans, and, bowing low in tho
direction of Mrs. Leeds, the triumphant
humorist went on with the budget of pollta
ribaldry ho has made familiar to the vaude
ville housis of thin country and Hrltaln.
Lat.r in the evening, during the dancing
Interval, Mrs. Leeds approached him, shak
ing a daintily gloved finger. "How could
you do It that wicked thing about ports?"
"Forgive me, madam, forgive me. Twnil
a easu of any port in a storm." New York
A doctor In a New Kngland town had
among bis patients n Teuton whose sense
of humor was a little blunted. Late on
night, after on extremely hard day's work,
the doctor went to bed feeling ill and ex
hausted. Ten minutes later his doorbell
rang. He went to an open window und
"Who Is It?" ,
"It Is me Yavvcob Hclnshlatter.
"Mine vife she is secck. Sho wants you
to be there quoeck."
"I am tired out and I'm not well. I can't
go out to your house tonight. You go ami
get Dr. lilank; ho lives within three min
utes walk of your house."
Three-quarters of an hour later the bell
rang again; the doctor went to tho window.
"Who is it?" be asked.
"Me Ya wcob 1 lelnschlatter."
"Didn't I tell you to go to Dr. Itlank?"
"VaiiH, and I did go to liceni, and he put
bis inad out of tho window und te.ll ma
'go to the devil,' bo I cmno right back ta
yuu." Philadelphia Ledger.
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