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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Sept. 18, 1904)
Tl 1 1?T U'A l .ll'P art awlf.Af rt
" I I,relle8 Weekly, has been per-
I cj 1 1 'i T lit niuliii a mnnitm nil 1
his yter's experiences with the
navy as an art-seaman.
lie saw many things aboard ship that
have escaped the eyes of the layman. The
Kearsargu Wds his marine home fur some
"One of the quaintest characters," he
paid, "hat 1 knew was O'Brien, the navvy
Who policed the ship. lie was chosen be
cause lie could lick any man on board. Tho
spirit of light is developed, not squelched,
in the navy, but there must be some one
who is able to silence the biggest mun that
walks the deck.
"O'Brien's methods were simple but sure.
One afternoon two men got Into a row and
O'ltricn, who was in my stateroom, was
sent for. lie excused himself, walked down
the deck and in five minutes returned as if
nothing had happened. Two things had
happened if not more, a bump over his left
temple and the beginning of a black eye.
" "How about It, O'Rrien?' said I.
" 'Nawthin'.' he replied.
" Nawthin',' I repeated, pointing to eye
" 'Nawthin' much." he went on; 1 had a
quiet conversation with Jake In his bunk.
I took htm below and shut the door, and
we labored religiously together. We're
both believin' more in the power of God
and Old Oireland nnd less In the divtl now
than wo did afore our tatc-a-taL.-.' "New
Good Little Hoy.
"The widow," will I- W. Head of Nash
ville at See.lbach's last night, "furnishes
the most delightful study to the observer
of tricks and manners of human beings."
Mr. Read is more than a casual obsfrver.
"One summer," he continued in a rumi
nating milliner, "I was spending some timo
at White Sulphur Springs, Va. 1 only tell
this as an illustrtalon of the acumen and
intelligence of the genus wldow-and one
afternoon a handsome young witiow ami
her littlo 0-year-old son sat near me on tho
veranda. The little fellow trotted up to me
and I patted him on the head.
" 'What's your name?' he asked.
. "I told him.
" 'I. you married?' he lisped.
" 'No. I'm not." I replied.
"Then the child paused a minutp, and
turning to his mother said:
" 'Mamma, what else did you tell me to
ask him?' "Louisville Herald.
She Kept StlH.
A eortatn gushing lady took her 4-year-old
daughter to a photographer. The little
one could not be made still. The camera
man was as nice and suave as he could
be, called the child all the sweet, endear
ing rimes he could think of, while using
every device of gentle persuasion to malta
the little wiggler keep still. Finally ho
turned to tho despairing mother and said:
"Madam, If you will leave your darling
with mo for a few minutes I think I can
succeed In taking her lovely face to per
fection." Tho mother withdrew for a short time.
Soon tho photographer summoned her
back and exhibited a highly satisfactory
negative. "When they reached home tho
"Nellie, what did that nice gentleman
say to you when I left you alone with
"Well, he thaid," lisped Nellie, "if yon
don't thlt sthill, you ugly, squint-eyed
monkey. Til thake the life out of your
trembling carcath.' Then I that very
sthill, mamma!" New York Tribune-.
Ilanlshcd the S'lncnk.
The Rev. Madison C. refers of Phila
delphia, who believes thai churches, lihe
other properties, should bo taxed, is a fa
vorite with the boys. Talking to a group
of boys one day. he said:
"When I was a youngster I wanted to be
n ventriloquist. I wanted to play ventrilo
qol.il jokes on every one in the world.
"So I bought a book on throwing tho
voice, und, with a friend named Jake, I
began to study the difficult art. I had poor
suc?esa, nnd Jake also had poor success.
He, though, imagined he was doing well,
and one day he declared that he was a
quite good enough ventriloquist now to be
gin, to do a little fooling.
"Jake knew an old engine-r In a factory,
and the next afternoon he visited him.
Ho seated himself in a corner, and, after a
littlo conversation he imitated the squeak
of badly oiled machinery.
"The old engineer trotted to a certain
valve and oiled it.
"Jake let a few minutes pass and emitted
another series of squeaks.
" 'Drat that valve,' said the engineer, and
he oiled It again.
"A third time there came the squeak,
and now the engineer saw through the Joke.
He walked up quietly behind Jake and
squirted a half pint of oil down the buck
of his neck.
" 'There,' he said; 'there'll be no moro
squeaking today I'm sure.' "Cincinnati
A f'lmnKC of Scene.
Archbishop Hyan of Philadelphia Is noted
for the fatherly Interest that he takes In
the members of the clergy; but with it
all he has the facutly of administering a
rebuke when It Is necessary In a shrewd,
One of the clergymen who has a parish
on the outskirts of the Quaker city was
noted for tho long periods of absence
that he took from his parish; In fact It
occurred so often that it became a matter
of common talk. One day tills man called
on the archbishop and asked for a month's
leave of absence, saying that the doctor
had recommended a change of air and
The archbishop looked up with a quiz
zical look in his eye and said:
"Well, I make the suggestion that you
go to your parish and stay there. I think
that would bo a complete change of air
Slnco William A. Stone retired from the
governor's chair in Pennsylvania, eighteen
months ago, he seems to have lost all
his political ambitions.
Happening into Philadelphia recently
the ex-governor was approached by a
newspaper reporter who couldn't under
stand why a man who once had an eya
on the I'nitcd States Fenatorship and who
was regarded as a strong state leader
should be so consistently quiet.
"What Is your place fn politics, Gov
ernor?" asked the reporter.
"I'll tell you a story," replied the ex
governor. "A friend of mine up In my
county of Tioga was driving along a
lonely road. Arriving in a smnll town ha
saw a group of men standing on a street
corner talking. He drove to tho curb
and asked what was the trouble.
" 'Oh, nuthln'. Hill Jones Is dead.'
"My friend assumed a sad expression.
Bald he was sorry, and continued:
"'What's the complaint?'
' "No complaint,' responded one of the
farmers, 'everybody 'round here's satis
fled.' And I guess they are In my case."
New York Times.
lie Knew All A boot It.
TCurton Holmes, tho lecturer, says that
the Indians of Alaska regard white men
and canned goods as so rrosrfy associated
that they are nearly synonymous. Where
rver the white man Is seen canned meats,
fruits and vegetables are found.
Whin Mr. Holmes visited Alaska recently
he carried with him a phonograph, and It
was exhibited to an old chief who h;d
ntver seen a talking machine before. When
the midline was started and the sound of
a human voice came from the trumpet the
Indian was much Interested. He listened
gravely for a time, then approached and
peered Into the trumpet.
When the machine finished Its cylinder
ami stopped the Indian pointed at It,
smiled an expansive smile, nnd remarked:
"Hull! Him canned white man." Sat
urday Kvenlng Post.
Ko Hade r TMrft.
Kdmund Seymour, a Wall street banker,
is fond of telling how on one occasion he
mot Theodore Roosevelt without having
seen him. Mr. Seymour was out in Wyo
ming yesrs ago for his health, living on
bis ranch. One evening he rode to tho
nearest railroad station and asked for a
room in the only hotel. He was Informed
that every bed was doubly occupied except
one, an.) In that there was a man asleep.
"But that's all right." said the landlord;
"he knows that ho may have to share his
bed." Mr. Seymour turned In with th
stranger, who hardly noticed hi arrival.
Next morning the banker found t tint his
bedfellow was gone. On asking who tho
man was the landlord said: "I don't kniw
much about him except that he's a ranch
man, and his name's Theodore Roosevelt,
and he ain't no dude nor tenderfoot, you
can bet on that."
rijpnrllninennry bnt ConnrMidnnnl.
The Punkvllle Debating society was In
regular session, and Mr. G. Watklns Spur
ling was making an earnest plea on the
affirmative side of the question, "Resolved,
that man's evtry act is the result of a
"I go further than that, Mr. President,"
he said. "About three-fourths of the things
a man does is because lie's envious of what
somebods- else does. The pin-headed sieaker
that had the floor last on tho other side
lied like a pirate when he said"
Here the provident of tho society rapped
on the desk.
"The gentleman must not use such lan
guage as that," ho said.
"Because it Isn't parliamentary."
"It may not be parliamentary, Mr. Presi
dent," vociferated Mr. O. Wntkins Spur
ling, loosening his collar and roiling up Ills
sleeves, "hut, by gum, It's congressional."
A lew Class.
Down In the Old Dominion the pcnpln
used to Ft t much store by their pedigrees.
An anecdote is told of the captain of a
steamer plying at a ferry from Maryland
to Virginia, who, being asked by a needy
Virginian to give him a free passage across,
Inquired If tho applicant belonged to one
of tho F. V. V. "No," answered tho man,
"I can't exactly say that; rather to una
of tho second families." "Jump on board,"
said tho captain. "I never mot one of your
Where lie Lived.
"Ono of the thousand suburbs of Boston
Is caled Jamaica Plain," said Anthony
Ruck, a Bostoner. "You know, Ronton is
noted for It suburbs. It's got them to
burn. Pour burned this summer already.
"Well, one of your Kentucky gentlemen
one of those 'By gad, sah,' gentlemen vis
ited friends In this little suburb. Tha
first day ho was there bo went to Boston.
"When he had tasted of the various bev
erages: of thv iioeton town and was ready
to go back to his friend's home, he f'lund
himself in the embarrassing position of
having forgotten the name of the auliorb.
He scratched bis head, he looked at the
Stars, he kicked his fee together, but no
where could he ftad lite name of that con
fou uleil In tie suburb.
"Ktnally, in shevr disgust, he went Into
a hotel and Inquired of the clerk, theiv if
he could 'tell him where he lived."
"The clerk laughed at that hard on, but
amused at the way the strange gentfc man
put the question, he asked if he coalilii't
friw sonic Inkling, some Idea or some facts
which mljrht suggest the name of the l.ieo
to him the clerk.
" 'Well, sah,' he paid. 'I can't exactly re
call the name of that Infernal place, but,
sah. It strikes me that It was noaiethlr.it on
the order of Whisk Sour.' "
" "Oh." said th clerk, 'you surely mean
Jamaica Plain.' "-Ltulsvtllo Herald.
j e r mm Jmilgv Aisrrril.
The Ninth district of Ohio was repre
sented In congr-ss by Judge Hall, and this
good story is tohl of him while he was on
the bench In the court of common pleas:
A rase of some Importance was reached
on the docket ami the parties ami wit
nesses were on hand. The attorney for
tho plaintiff, Charles Brown, was consid
erably In bis cups, a condition which
seemed chronic with the really brilliant
lawyer. lie submitted motion after mo
tion, and the court did not appear to humor
his extravagant demands, realizing, too,
that the attorney was not In a condition to
proceed with the case. Brown was per
sistent, and Judge Hall, becoming some
what Irrltateil, said:
"It is the opinion of this court thnt lh
counsel for the plain MIT Is peculiarly dis
qualified at this time for conducting thia
case before the court."
"What's that, your honor?" demanded tha
"The court believes the counsel for tha
plaintiff entirely loo drunk to contlnua
with the case."
"That is the first correct decision I ever
knew your honor to render." Washington
Ills l'enrs Were lleallr.ed.
A Georgia statesman, says that while ha
was In the shop of an optician In Atlanta
ho once heard an amusing conversation be
tween the proprietor of tho establishment
nnd an aged darkey, who was Just leav
ing the place with a pair of new spectacles.
As the old chap tuared the door his eya
lighted upon a most extraordinary looking
Instrument conspicuously placed upon a
counti r. The venerable negro paused for
several moments to gaze In open-mouthed
wonder at this thing, tho like of which ha
had never seen before. After a long strug
gle with his curiosity, he was vanquished.
Turning to the optician, ho Bald:
"What is It, boss?"
"That Is an opthalmometer," replied tha
optician. In Ms gravest maner.
"Sho!" muttered the old man to himself
as he backed out of the door, his eyes still
fastened upon the curious looking thing on.
the counter. "Sho, dat's whnt I was
nfeared It was." Youth's Companion,
"Darn!" exclaimed the first Rummer
"What's the matter?" united the dyspeptla
looking hoarder next to him.
"Oh, I got a piece of egg shell In that
last mouthful of omelet."
"Strange! You must have got tho por
tion Intended for me. It's always my lurlr
to get' those things at home; never knew
It to fall." mmff'T
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