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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Sept. 18, 1904)
Hothium Dolour. Tl 1 1?T U'A l .ll'P art awlf.Af rt " I I,relle8 Weekly, has been per- I cj 1 1 'i T lit niuliii a mnnitm nil 1 his yter's experiences with the navy as an art-seaman. lie saw many things aboard ship that have escaped the eyes of the layman. The Kearsargu Wds his marine home fur some time. "One of the quaintest characters," he paid, "hat 1 knew was O'Brien, the navvy Who policed the ship. lie was chosen be cause lie could lick any man on board. Tho spirit of light is developed, not squelched, in the navy, but there must be some one who is able to silence the biggest mun that walks the deck. "O'Brien's methods were simple but sure. One afternoon two men got Into a row and O'ltricn, who was in my stateroom, was sent for. lie excused himself, walked down the deck and in five minutes returned as if nothing had happened. Two things had happened if not more, a bump over his left temple and the beginning of a black eye. " "How about It, O'Rrien?' said I. " 'Nawthin'.' he replied. " Nawthin',' I repeated, pointing to eye and temple. " 'Nawthin' much." he went on; 1 had a quiet conversation with Jake In his bunk. I took htm below and shut the door, and we labored religiously together. We're both believin' more in the power of God and Old Oireland nnd less In the divtl now than wo did afore our tatc-a-taL.-.' "New York Times. Good Little Hoy. "The widow," will I- W. Head of Nash ville at See.lbach's last night, "furnishes the most delightful study to the observer of tricks and manners of human beings." Mr. Read is more than a casual obsfrver. "One summer," he continued in a rumi nating milliner, "I was spending some timo at White Sulphur Springs, Va. 1 only tell this as an illustrtalon of the acumen and intelligence of the genus wldow-and one afternoon a handsome young witiow ami her littlo 0-year-old son sat near me on tho veranda. The little fellow trotted up to me and I patted him on the head. " 'What's your name?' he asked. . "I told him. " 'I. you married?' he lisped. " 'No. I'm not." I replied. "Then the child paused a minutp, and turning to his mother said: " 'Mamma, what else did you tell me to ask him?' "Louisville Herald. She Kept StlH. A eortatn gushing lady took her 4-year-old daughter to a photographer. The little one could not be made still. The camera man was as nice and suave as he could be, called the child all the sweet, endear ing rimes he could think of, while using every device of gentle persuasion to malta the little wiggler keep still. Finally ho turned to tho despairing mother and said: "Madam, If you will leave your darling with mo for a few minutes I think I can succeed In taking her lovely face to per fection." Tho mother withdrew for a short time. Soon tho photographer summoned her back and exhibited a highly satisfactory negative. "When they reached home tho mother asked: "Nellie, what did that nice gentleman say to you when I left you alone with Mm?" "Well, he thaid," lisped Nellie, "if yon don't thlt sthill, you ugly, squint-eyed monkey. Til thake the life out of your trembling carcath.' Then I that very sthill, mamma!" New York Tribune-. Ilanlshcd the S'lncnk. The Rev. Madison C. refers of Phila delphia, who believes thai churches, lihe other properties, should bo taxed, is a fa vorite with the boys. Talking to a group of boys one day. he said: "When I was a youngster I wanted to be n ventriloquist. I wanted to play ventrilo qol.il jokes on every one in the world. "So I bought a book on throwing tho voice, und, with a friend named Jake, I began to study the difficult art. I had poor suc?esa, nnd Jake also had poor success. He, though, imagined he was doing well, and one day he declared that he was a quite good enough ventriloquist now to be gin, to do a little fooling. "Jake knew an old engine-r In a factory, and the next afternoon he visited him. Ho seated himself in a corner, and, after a littlo conversation he imitated the squeak of badly oiled machinery. "The old engineer trotted to a certain valve and oiled it. "Jake let a few minutes pass and emitted another series of squeaks. " 'Drat that valve,' said the engineer, and he oiled It again. "A third time there came the squeak, and now the engineer saw through the Joke. He walked up quietly behind Jake and squirted a half pint of oil down the buck of his neck. " 'There,' he said; 'there'll be no moro squeaking today I'm sure.' "Cincinnati Kr.quirer. A f'lmnKC of Scene. Archbishop Hyan of Philadelphia Is noted for the fatherly Interest that he takes In the members of the clergy; but with it all he has the facutly of administering a rebuke when It Is necessary In a shrewd, kindly viy. One of the clergymen who has a parish on the outskirts of the Quaker city was noted for tho long periods of absence that he took from his parish; In fact It occurred so often that it became a matter of common talk. One day tills man called on the archbishop and asked for a month's leave of absence, saying that the doctor had recommended a change of air and scno. The archbishop looked up with a quiz zical look in his eye and said: "Well, I make the suggestion that you go to your parish and stay there. I think that would bo a complete change of air and scenery." Just Dead. Slnco William A. Stone retired from the governor's chair in Pennsylvania, eighteen months ago, he seems to have lost all his political ambitions. Happening into Philadelphia recently the ex-governor was approached by a newspaper reporter who couldn't under stand why a man who once had an eya on the I'nitcd States Fenatorship and who was regarded as a strong state leader should be so consistently quiet. "What Is your place fn politics, Gov ernor?" asked the reporter. "I'll tell you a story," replied the ex governor. "A friend of mine up In my county of Tioga was driving along a lonely road. Arriving in a smnll town ha saw a group of men standing on a street corner talking. He drove to tho curb and asked what was the trouble. " 'Oh, nuthln'. Hill Jones Is dead.' "My friend assumed a sad expression. Bald he was sorry, and continued: "'What's the complaint?' ' "No complaint,' responded one of the farmers, 'everybody 'round here's satis fled.' And I guess they are In my case." New York Times. lie Knew All A boot It. TCurton Holmes, tho lecturer, says that the Indians of Alaska regard white men and canned goods as so rrosrfy associated that they are nearly synonymous. Where rver the white man Is seen canned meats, fruits and vegetables are found. Whin Mr. Holmes visited Alaska recently he carried with him a phonograph, and It was exhibited to an old chief who h;d ntver seen a talking machine before. When the midline was started and the sound of a human voice came from the trumpet the Indian was much Interested. He listened gravely for a time, then approached and peered Into the trumpet. When the machine finished Its cylinder ami stopped the Indian pointed at It, smiled an expansive smile, nnd remarked: "Hull! Him canned white man." Sat urday Kvenlng Post. Ko Hade r TMrft. Kdmund Seymour, a Wall street banker, is fond of telling how on one occasion he mot Theodore Roosevelt without having seen him. Mr. Seymour was out in Wyo ming yesrs ago for his health, living on bis ranch. One evening he rode to tho nearest railroad station and asked for a room in the only hotel. He was Informed that every bed was doubly occupied except one, an.) In that there was a man asleep. "But that's all right." said the landlord; "he knows that ho may have to share his bed." Mr. Seymour turned In with th stranger, who hardly noticed hi arrival. Next morning the banker found t tint his bedfellow was gone. On asking who tho man was the landlord said: "I don't kniw much about him except that he's a ranch man, and his name's Theodore Roosevelt, and he ain't no dude nor tenderfoot, you can bet on that." rijpnrllninennry bnt ConnrMidnnnl. The Punkvllle Debating society was In regular session, and Mr. G. Watklns Spur ling was making an earnest plea on the affirmative side of the question, "Resolved, that man's evtry act is the result of a selfish motive." "I go further than that, Mr. President," he said. "About three-fourths of the things a man does is because lie's envious of what somebods- else does. The pin-headed sieaker that had the floor last on tho other side lied like a pirate when he said" Here the provident of tho society rapped on the desk. "The gentleman must not use such lan guage as that," ho said. "Why not?" "Because it Isn't parliamentary." "It may not be parliamentary, Mr. Presi dent," vociferated Mr. O. Wntkins Spur ling, loosening his collar and roiling up Ills sleeves, "hut, by gum, It's congressional." Chicago Tribune. A lew Class. Down In the Old Dominion the pcnpln used to Ft t much store by their pedigrees. An anecdote is told of the captain of a steamer plying at a ferry from Maryland to Virginia, who, being asked by a needy Virginian to give him a free passage across, Inquired If tho applicant belonged to one of tho F. V. V. "No," answered tho man, "I can't exactly say that; rather to una of tho second families." "Jump on board," said tho captain. "I never mot one of your tort before." Where lie Lived. "Ono of the thousand suburbs of Boston Is caled Jamaica Plain," said Anthony Ruck, a Bostoner. "You know, Ronton is noted for It suburbs. It's got them to burn. Pour burned this summer already. "Well, one of your Kentucky gentlemen one of those 'By gad, sah,' gentlemen vis ited friends In this little suburb. Tha first day ho was there bo went to Boston. "When he had tasted of the various bev erages: of thv iioeton town and was ready to go back to his friend's home, he f'lund himself in the embarrassing position of having forgotten the name of the auliorb. He scratched bis head, he looked at the Stars, he kicked his fee together, but no where could he ftad lite name of that con fou uleil In tie suburb. "Ktnally, in shevr disgust, he went Into a hotel and Inquired of the clerk, theiv if he could 'tell him where he lived." "The clerk laughed at that hard on, but amused at the way the strange gentfc man put the question, he asked if he coalilii't friw sonic Inkling, some Idea or some facts which mljrht suggest the name of the l.ieo to him the clerk. " 'Well, sah,' he paid. 'I can't exactly re call the name of that Infernal place, but, sah. It strikes me that It was noaiethlr.it on the order of Whisk Sour.' " " "Oh." said th clerk, 'you surely mean Jamaica Plain.' "-Ltulsvtllo Herald. . j e r mm Jmilgv Aisrrril. The Ninth district of Ohio was repre sented In congr-ss by Judge Hall, and this good story is tohl of him while he was on the bench In the court of common pleas: A rase of some Importance was reached on the docket ami the parties ami wit nesses were on hand. The attorney for tho plaintiff, Charles Brown, was consid erably In bis cups, a condition which seemed chronic with the really brilliant lawyer. lie submitted motion after mo tion, and the court did not appear to humor his extravagant demands, realizing, too, that the attorney was not In a condition to proceed with the case. Brown was per sistent, and Judge Hall, becoming some what Irrltateil, said: "It is the opinion of this court thnt lh counsel for the plain MIT Is peculiarly dis qualified at this time for conducting thia case before the court." "What's that, your honor?" demanded tha intoxicated lawyer. "The court believes the counsel for tha plaintiff entirely loo drunk to contlnua with the case." "That is the first correct decision I ever knew your honor to render." Washington Post. Ills l'enrs Were lleallr.ed. A Georgia statesman, says that while ha was In the shop of an optician In Atlanta ho once heard an amusing conversation be tween the proprietor of tho establishment nnd an aged darkey, who was Just leav ing the place with a pair of new spectacles. As the old chap tuared the door his eya lighted upon a most extraordinary looking Instrument conspicuously placed upon a counti r. The venerable negro paused for several moments to gaze In open-mouthed wonder at this thing, tho like of which ha had never seen before. After a long strug gle with his curiosity, he was vanquished. Turning to the optician, ho Bald: "What is It, boss?" "That Is an opthalmometer," replied tha optician. In Ms gravest maner. "Sho!" muttered the old man to himself as he backed out of the door, his eyes still fastened upon the curious looking thing on. the counter. "Sho, dat's whnt I was nfeared It was." Youth's Companion, An Accident. "Darn!" exclaimed the first Rummer boarder. "What's the matter?" united the dyspeptla looking hoarder next to him. "Oh, I got a piece of egg shell In that last mouthful of omelet." "Strange! You must have got tho por tion Intended for me. It's always my lurlr to get' those things at home; never knew It to fall." mmff'T