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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 28, 1904)
One on C roiTrno", jATni vniuKKn tells of nn Sk amusing Incident that occurred 1 ilurlnu a rjulitcal meeting In Ken tucky to which Representative Groavcnor. tho republican war hurso of Ohio, had bcfn Invited for tho purpose of making a speech. Tho suave chairman of the meeting arose and said: "Indira and gentlemen, It la needless to oliserve that wo are fortunate, most fortu nate. In having with us tonight tho most eminent of republicans from the Imperial state of Ohii. We shall have the great pleasure of listening tonight to a man whose name Is a huuwlwlj word through out this great country a man who is probably as well known in this state ns he is In his own. You all know him. This man Is our frtenJ; his name is ever on our lips. I,atlio.s anJ gentlemen, I have tho very great pleasure of Introducing to you that stanch patriot, that sterling re publican, that unsurpassed statesman. General, General " Here the chairman became very red, stammered, turned pule and then red again. Finally, the suspense, of the thing becom ing too Intense for Mm: "(Jeneral Gossamer of Ohio!" New York Herald. Fnniloa on Valor. General Funston, at a dinner party, com plimented tho valor of tho Japanese. 'Their valor," he said, "is not like tliat Of a certain captain of the post. "This captain was about to lead his com pany into battle. Ho drew his sword and waved It. ' 'Now, my bravo fellowH, he shouted to nis men, 'you havo a tough struggle before you. Fight like heroes until your ammuni tion is gone, then run like antelopes. I'm a. little lame, so I'll start now.' " ' Shot at Ihr Miller. Congressman Wade of tho Second Iowa district has a well established refutation as wit and raconteur. Especially in the latter role does ho show to advantage. Ono of bis best stories Is about a young man who took a sack of grain to nn old-fa-shloned mill to have it ground Into meal, Tho ponderous wheels revolved so slowly that only a tiny stream of meal trickled feebly, while tho young man patiently waited. Finally his patience was ex hausted and he complained to the miller. "Do ou know," he said, "I could eat that meal faster than your old mill can grind It." "Yes," replied the miller, "but how long could you keep on eating It?" "I could keep on eating it until I starved," was tho conclusive answer of the young man. Lincoln' I'umfi, Lincoln's humor armed him effectively against the Importunate persons with whom, as the head of the nation, he was During the civil war a gentleman asked 111 in for a pass through the federal lint to Richmond. "I should be happy to obligo you," said I.lnculn, "if my passes were respected. Hut the fact is, within the last two years I havo given passes to 230,000 men, and not one has got there yet." Youth's Com panion. lie Was Kcononitral. Thomas W. Lawson, the lioston million aire, believes that It 19 rather through en terprise and originality than through econ .L Of X L omy that financial success may be at tained. "Tho time Is past," he said the other day, "for such economy as used to be prac ticed by an old lioston rcstaurauteur, who recently died. "The old fclow was economical to excess, but while he pottered about his kitchen, trying to make one egg do the work of two, his neighbor across the way was In troducing a roof garden and a mandolin orchestra, and the economist, I understand, hardly left enough on his demise to pay his debts. "He was, beyond any doubt, an econo mist. A couple of plumbers were work ing one day in his cellar. It was too dark Uiere to eee, and the men asked for sumo light. " 'Well,' said tho old fellow, 'here's a candle. Make it go as far as you can.' " 'One caudle won't do,' said the plumb ers. 'It won't give us suttlcient light. We must have two.' "The old man knit his brows and thought. "'How long, boys, will you bo woiking down here?' he said. " 'About tiftoen minutes," said tho plumb ers. "Then, said the rentauranteur, 'cut the candle in two.' " Hoston I'ost. An I nuxunl Siicut. Shortly beforo he sailed for Kurono Colo nel W. H. Cody (Iiuflalo Hill) was enter taining Hr. J. 1 Glrdner with a few les sons In ethnology gleaned from his experi ences among the Indians in the early days. "Ky the way. Doc," he asked abruptly, "ever see a red headed Indian?" "Never did, and never heard of such a freak, colonel." "I saw one, a Cherokee, down on tho Fort Scott trail," quietly answered Cody, and then stopped, waiting for "a rise." It came. "Kather unusual sight, that, wasn't It?" "ltather; but, you see, this Indian was bald." New York Times. Told liy Satolll. At a reception that was tendered him in tlm mayor's ottiee at lUilfalo, Cardinal Si tolll praised tho fearless, independent, hopeful charade- of the typical American. "This Independence and hopefulness and confidence," lie said, "are to bo found here, I have been told, even in the little children of tho poor. "The bootblack, the newsboy, tho vender of shoelaces never r pines or despairs, for lie knows that he will save enough inc ney to go to college and, eventually, he will graduate in law or medicine. "I havo a friend In America, a rich mer chant, who bought a paper one morning from a newsttoy whoso nature must have bi en admirably confident and hopeful. "My friend had not the money to pay for his paper, and the newsboy Eald: " 'I'll trust you, sir.' "A day or two afterwards, pafslng down that way, my friend singled out the news boy nnd accosted him. " 'You, I believe," he said, 'are the boy 1 bought a pnper from the other day when I had no change. I owe you u penny. Hero It Is, and thnnk you.' "Hut the newsboy waved aside the penny. "'Oh, that's nil right,' he said. 'Ke. p it for your honesty.' " Philadelphia Record. Story from 'Way Hack. "Private" John Allen tells the following as illustrative of the partiality of the southern darky for long words of whan meaning he Is absolute Ignorant: "A negro named Klljah Thomas, living In Tupelo, Miss., recently chanced to meet a friend who complained of feeling miser able. In fact. Thomas' friend feared for his life, so 'tuckered out' was ho. " 'Wot's do matter wlf youp' inquired Kiijah. " 'I.lje.' moaned the second negro. Indi cating the region where the pain lay. Tse got Filch a awful pnlna In man back head!' " "In dat case,' resonded Klljah solemnly, 'I knows what you oughtcr do! You oughtor go over ter Jackson. Hey says dat dere's th Hnest bncktcrlolgist ever dcre In do whole ruuf !' " Alive and Dead rrn(rra. Carter Harrison, mayor of Chicago, while on his way wct, chanced to meet an ac quaintance, and together they trnveled, chatting about boyhood days. The con ductor came along, took up the ticket of tho acouaintaneo, placed a tag on his hat, resided pleasantly' to the mayor and, with out examining tne hitter's pass, went on. "Thank you," said the acquaintance to tho conductor. "Wliat did you say that for?" nsked the mayor. "Why. for the manner In which he dis tinguished lietween us and for Indicating that I am still classed among the living." "I fail to understand," declared the mayor. "It appears to me as very evident," ob served the mayor's companion cautiously, "that tho conductor does not consider It cecesbary to label a deadhead." Perfectly SBtUfled. Felix Adler, notably witty in his lectures, lias, too, a decided humorous vein In con versation. Here Is one of the stories he tells on himself in casual talk: Two women who had attended Mr. Adler's lectures at CVnefrte ball, New York, for many con secutive Sundays with unfailing regular ity finally called on the lecturer one day at his home. "We wish to tell you In per son, Mr. Adh r," they said, "how much wo have enjoyed your lectures. We wish to thank you for them. Wo have enjoyed them lor months, anil now we go back to our own church perfectly satisfied!" Couldn't Lose It. Anent the easo with which some politi cians, both democrats and republicans, Ignnrn the principles of their parly, yet claim to be loyal thereto when there are spoil to be divided, t-'enalur H.xcuti of Georgia, recently told this story: "An old negro down my way arose at prayer meeting ono night and delivered himself thus: 'Hrcdderln an' slsterin, fso ln.-cn a mighty mean nigger in my time. Ise, had er heap er tips an" downs 'se clally downs senco I Jined dn church. Ise stole chickens an' watah mlllins. Ise cussed. Ise got drunk. Ise shot craps. Ise slashed udder coons wld my nizah, an' Is dotio er sight er udder things, but, thank de good Iawd, hrcdderln an slsterin, Ise nebbrr yet los' my religion.' "New York Times. An Omen. General P. 8. Hodge sat In the lobby of the Grand hotel of New York. "As a rule," lie said, "I don't bellevo In omens. Once, at a wedding, though, I beard a sentence that I considered ominous Indued a sen tence, pregnant with prophetic meaning. "This sentence. Just before the ceremony began, was directed In a stern voice by tho officiating clergymun to tho mothej of the bride. It was: "'Step a little farther back, madam.' "- New York Herald. r'lirtl. Sir Oman Poyle rec.oiitly told a story of an lOngllsh otlleer who was lmdly wounded In South Africa and the military surgeon had to shnve off th.U portion of his brains which protruded from Ids skull. Tho officer got well, and later on In Ijntidoti thn surgeon asked whether ho know that a portion of his bruins win In a glus bottla In a laboratory, "oh, that does not mutter now," icpUi d the soldier, "1'vn got a er manent position in the War otfleo." Sceond-lland Sermons. Cjrus Townsond lirady, whan In the west as a young clergymun, met a negnt Methodist circuit preucher whose dish let also coven d a vust expanse of territory, ami who. In consequence, was ablo to uso a sermon a long lime, so many different communities did he visit on hia rounda He had gone about three-fourths of the way 'round on one occasion when, coming front his church after the service, ho encoun tered nn old in gro, who, hat In hand, ap proached and said: "Pat's mighty fine sermon, sah, oil yob's. Ah likes It ebrry time Ah hear I It. Hm ma we cross each other's tract putty ( f'n, sah, fo' today makes the sev enth bles t lime Ahse heard yo' preach It. Ah'm a bit uv u pnaeher myse'f, sah; tin' Ah wants ter suy dat when yo' gits flu wid dat sermon, All's ready ter buy it, sah. Ought ter Inst a long lime yet, sah; It urn such gfiod slutT. 'Heed, ah, Ahse willln' ter gll yo' fo' bits now, Jos' to bin' tl balig'ln, sah." New York Times, Would DlNplace n Slur. rtoprcsentaiivo Charles 1'". Landis, of In diana, one ovinlng sought rest at a rural Inn, tho proprietor of which was opposed to him politically. While, seated on the veranda a st ir fell and elicited from the landlord's wife the comment, "Another eoul lias gone to heaven." "Madam." usihed thn statesmen good na turedly, "will a star fall at my death, und Indicate that I, too. have .t.no to heaven?" "Mr. Iir.dis," raid the woman, lm.uc.htlly, "to make room for such u big man us you tit heaven a star must fall." It Vi'ua Mure Core, "There Is no excuse for Illegible hand writing," said Miss Jeanetlo li. Gilder, idl tor and critic "A tyiwwrltir Is one cure for Illegibility ; euro is another cure, and a third euro baa been devised by a friend, of mine. "My friend writes well enough herself; She applied the cure to a certain Woman who writes miserably. This woman bad bothered her with a number of iih Ihla notes, and finally, when one came that will unusually hard to read, my friend sat down and wrote in answer to it: " '' t il o great pie: si rr In accepting your kind Invitation to dinner tomorrow evening at CM. This brought a quick call on tho tele phono. " 'My note nsked you to subscriho to our freo lee fund,' the woman said. 'It was not a dinner Invitation.' " 'You write so badly,' said my friend. " 'Oh, I'll be very much more careful la the future,' said the woman. "And since that time, I understand, her writing has been legible enough." NvM York Tribune