Ai Error In Disannul.
TORIF.S of railroad accidents were
SI being told at Tuxedo. Spencer
I Tru.sk. banker and author, of
New York, In his turn contributed
the following:
"In a certain railway collision, one of
the victims lay for a Ions time on bis
back across the ties. Finally two men
picked him up, carried him to the station
and placed him on the floor.
" 'He'll lie easier here,' they said, till
the doctor comes.'
"The doctor came a little later.
" This poor chap is done for, I'm
afraid,' he said, glancing at the prostrate
victim.
"Then ha knelt down, lifted one of the
man's closed eyelids and peered into a
dull, blank, unseeing, lifeless eye.
" 'Yes, he's dead all right. Take him
away,' said the doctor.
"The pale Hps of the Injured man moved
Slightly and a feeble voice murmured:
" 'That was my glass eye, you fooT.' "
New York Tribune.
Consider Himself Dead.
Mr. I. a good-natured German, was the
proprietor of a clothing business In a
country town. He had in his employ one
John 8., whom he had advanced from cash
boy to head clerk. Since his promotion
John had several times asked for an in
crease of salary, and each time his request
bad been granted. One morning he again
appeared at the old merchant's desk 'With
another request for an increase of $10 a
month.
"Vy, Shon," said Mr. L.. "I dink I bays
you pooty veil alretty; vat for I bays you
any more?"
"Wen," replied John, confidently. "I
m your principal help here. I know every
detail of the business, and. Indeed, I think
that you could not get along without me."
"Is dot so? Vy, Shon, vot would I do
Suppose you vas to die?"
"Well, I suppose you would have to
get along without me then."
The old Teuton took several whiffs from
Ills big pipe and Anally said:
"Veil, Shon, I guess you petter gonslder
yourself dead." Youth's Companion.
Tarn In a- the Tables.
Many years ago, before the production
f grain was equal to the demand, wages
of farm hands were high, but as produc
tion increased, the prices lowered faster
than the rate of wages.
A farmer employed an Industrious Irish
man for five years, at the rate of $50 a
month "and found" board, lodging, wash
ing and mending. At the end of the term
he said to his man:
"I can't afford to pay you the wages I
have been paying. You have saved money,
and I have saved nothing. At this rate
you will soon own my farm."
"Then I'll hire you to work for me,"
said the other, "and you can get your
farm back again!" Success.
3
Chinamen Catch On.
During Commodore Charles R. Flint's en
tertainment of Prince Pu Lun at Coney
Island he learned that royal Mongol knew
a thing or two about American social ques
tions. Mr. Flint Is the head of the Atlantic
Yacht club at Soa Gate, and Incidentally
was asked by one of the party to describe
what the poorer people really thought of
the rich. The commodore did so.
"Of course," he added In conclusion,
"there is a certain class in the community
who'd like to step on the upper classes and
crush them out."
"Ah," replied the prince, "now I under
stand that American saying. What thing
(
Is it? Ah, yen, about peopw walking on
their uppers."
Again the prince was "reminiscing" about
Li Hung Chang's visit and the pleasure the
old statesman had at the Waldorf-Astoria.
It seems one of the state party had pur
chased some light-weight trousers to take
back to Cathay as a curio. He put them
on one evening at the hotel to show off,
and the next day sent them to a laundry
to be "done up." When they came home
they had shrunk and were too small, so he
was troubled. He donned them and went
to IJ Hung Chang.
"Your excellency," he said, "these trous
ers have grown smaller In the night What
do you think the Americans nave done to
them?"
"Nonsense," replied 1A. "You forget
where you are. The apparel Is proper, but
your legs have been pulled, as the Ameri
cans put it. They'll be all right when you
get to China." New York Times.
A Clever Minister.
"To the town of Nlrrldgewock, In Maine,"
said Rev. Minot J. Savage, "a strange min
ister once came to preach. Ho preached
duly, and, after the sermon was over he
mingled with the congregation, expecting
that someone would invite him to dinner.
"One by one, however, the congregation
departed, offering the hungry minister no
hospitality, and he began to feel anxious.
Where was he to eat?
"As the last deacon was leaving the
church, the minister rushed up to him and
shook! him warmly by the hand.
" 'r want you to come home and dine
with me the minister said.
" 'Why, whore do you live? said the
deacon.
" 'About thirty miles from here.'
"The deacon reddened. Oil. you come
and dine with me Instead,' he Bald." New
York Tribune.
Slick Csmpsian Methods.
Governor "Jen" Davis of Arkansas, who
bus Just won a big victory over his demo
cratic opponent. Judge Woods, is a very
skillful campaigner in the hill country.
Among the "red necks" he is very popular.
When he goes among the hills he travels
behind a yoke of oxen, the popular mode
of locomotion there, and calls every "red
neck" by name. During the week immedi
ately preceding the last primary election,
held a week ago last Saturday, Governor
Davis, driving a yoke of spotted oxen,
reached the metropolis of one of the hill
counties. He went into the hotel and there
found a letter from hla wife at the ex
ecutive mansion in Little Rock. He was
still reading the letter when a party of
his "red neck" constituents came into the
hotel office to greet him. "Hello, Zach,"
said the hearty governor, grasping the out
stretched hand of the first man in the
party. "How's the folks?" "They're right
peart, Jeff," answered the delighted "red
neck." "How's your folks?" "Jes' got a
lettah from my wife," answered the gov
ernor, holding up the dainty notepaper.
"She's right peart, too, but plum nigh beat
out. Been a-billn' soap all day!" And so
another link was forged In the chain which
binds the hill dwellers to the political for
tunes of this most skillful and astute of
campaigners. New York Tribune.
He Passed It.
An old gentleman was porter In a com
mission house In Cincinnati, and, being a
good salesman and Judge of money, he
sometimes sold merchandise. One day, tak
ing a S note which the bank refused to
receive, stating that, though a very good
Imitation, it was counterfeit, the book
keeper Inquired If the counterfeit note had
been returned.
"Veil," he said, "dat man vot gave me
dat bill he didn't corned around alretty,
and some days I tlnk de bill vas gout, and
some days I tink It vas bad; so one of dem
days vot I tlnk it vas goot I passed him
out" Philadelphia Public Ledger.
Presumptuous Tourists.
Westminister Abbey is a grand old place
for everything except prayer. They say
that a devout American visited it one day
and after he had looked at all the tombs
and Inscriptions he knelt on the stone pave
ment and bowed his head.
A verger, frowning, tiptoed up to him,
"You can't pray here," he said.
The American rose In confusion.
"Can't pray In the abbey?" he exclaimed.
"No," said the verger. "If I was to allow
It once, we should have 'em praying all
over the place."
Near Kidderminster there is an ancient
and picturesque church, the show church
of the country. It Is only a show church,
though; public services are no longer held
In It. Well, one day, struck with the im
pressive beauty of the place, a tourist said
to the sexton:
"I suppose there are some people who use
this church fpr private prnyers?"
The sexton answered fiercely:
"I ketched two of 'em at it once."
Abt and the Tnrkey.
Several letters written by Franz Abt,
the famous composer, were recently dis
covered, and In one of them the following
humorous story was found:
As he was strolling home one afternoon
in Brunswick, Abt met a friend, who said
to him: "You seem very happy, dear fel
low. Have you heard any good news?"
"Oh, no, I've Just been taking dinner,"
was the reply.
"You evidently enjoyed It. What did
you have to eat?" continued the friend.
"A turkey," replied Abt.
"And how many were at table?" asked
the other.
"There were only two of us," said Abt.
"Who was your companion?" inquired
the friend.
"The turkey." replied Abt.
Didn't Begin So YounK.
During his address before the Congrega
tional association of New Jersey, In the
Central Congregational church. Rev. Dr.
H. A. Etinson of New York told a story
of a negro who narrated his experience to
a number of people gathered on a street
corner in St. Louis.
"I had always been a good young man,"
said the converted negro, "but I fell. But
I am glad to be able to say right here
that I was never as bad as that fellow In
the bible. I mean Job, who cussed the day
he wss born. Believe me, my friends, I
didn't cuse until I was 1 year old." Phil
adelphia Press,
A
Graduated and Wed In Six Honrs.
The transformation from a sweet girl
graduate to a blushing brido was a matter
of only six hours for Miss Mary Grafs of
Trinidad, Colo. She received her diploma
from St. Mary's school In Knoxvllle, I1L,
at noon, June 8, and at 6 o'clock she wus
wedded to Bertram Rhodes, also of Trin
idad, in the chapel of the school. Her
classmates were her bridesmaids.
Blarney.
On his last trip to Ireland John D.
Crlmmlns paid a visit to the Lakes of Kfl
larney and secured as guide one Patrick
McSorley, reputed to have the correct his
tory of every inch of the locality on his
finger tips.
Mr. Crlmmlns soon found out that be
sides an unquenchable source of Infor
mation hla man possessed a ready wit, so
he encouraged him to talk, and was not
a little surprised to hear that at the season
of the year when there were no visitors
the guides spent their days In complete
Idleness.
"How on earth do you manage to pass
the time, if you have no occupation?" he
anked.
"Faith, and that's easy," laughed the
old man, "we are kept busy thinking up
new lies to tell the visitors when the sea
son opens again." New York Times.
An Impressive Rebuke.
Dr. Seward Webb was entertaining a
large shooting party at his estate in Ver
mont. Sport was excellent, and every
evening after dinner hunting stories were
told In the smoking room.
Nearly oil the stories were true, but
there was one guest, a young man, who
pulled the long how a little, lie pulled It
more than a little on one occasion, and
after ho had concluded a story evidently
Impossible, Ir. Webb took Mm tn hand.
"In '94 I was shooting in tho Rockies,"
Bald Dr. Webb, "I was after grizzlies, I
trailed a grizzly to a high peek one day.
I advanced townnl It along the edge of a
precipice 300 feet high. Getting a g.od shot
at lust, I let drive, but missed. The big
bear came for me then l'-ko lightning. I
took aim again, but as I was about to ft re
my foot slipped. I fell, and my gun
dropped from my hand and rolled over the
precipice. There I lay, unarmed and help
less, and the maddened grtsxly not six feet
away."
Hero Dr. Webb paused and lighted a cig
arette. The imaginative young man frowned bu
pati ntiy.
"Well?" he said. "Well? Go on. What
happened ?"
Dr. Webb, looking him calmly In the eya,
replied:
"The grizzly devoured me."
$
Had 'Kin Foal.
A good story or a sharp Justice of the
peace was told at tho da It house last
night by J. L. Powhatan, of Chicago.
"It chanced," said Mr. Powhatan, "that
this Justice of the peace lived In a little
town In a far recers of Tennessee. He was
tho only republican In the district, yet he
happened, by some trick of fortune, to
hold office.
"At length, when political excitement
had reached an unwonted pitch, a project
was formed to oust him from his office
and put in a democrat.
"The election was held In an old distil
lery, and the ballot box was a large gourd.
The 'squire was early on the scene, clad In
the roughest of clothes.
" 'Fellow citizens,' he said. 1 want to
make you a short speech.'
"The audience having agreed, he accord
ingly mounted a barrel magnanimously
determined to 'rise above all party issues
and appeal to state pride and patriotism.
" 'Fellow citizens,' ha said, I've boon
a-lookln' around here to see plain enough
what's gotn' on. I know what you want
Twenty years and a good many times I'va
saved many of you from goln' to the pen
itentiary, an' now you're tryln' to put ma
out of ofllce.
" 'But I Just want to tell you something.
I've, got the constitution and the laws of
the state of Tennessee In my pocket, and
Just as sure as you turn me out of omca,
I'll burn m up blame me If I don't and
you may alt go to ruin together.'
"The effect of this speech was over
whelming. The ruin threatened wus elected
by a handsome majority. To be in a state
without a constitution and laws was too
great a calamity to be thought of." Louis
ville Herald.
