if
A Triiapkait BJelader.
IS
N HIS recently published work.
"The Pall of Feudalism In Ire
land," Michael Davltt relates a
number of anecdotes character
Istio of the "Child Bod." In the
early days of the Land league, with
branches organised In every hamlet, speak
ers were In great demand. Many would-be
orators had the talking ambition aroused,
and eagerly followed the professionals, ab
sorbing their ldoas and expressions, which
later on were tried on smaller gatherings.
One of these aspirants for platform fame
got Into controversy with a priest. The
latter. In referring to the reputation of
the local Demosthenes, threw In a few
Latin phrases, and suggested the pro-,
priety of a shoemaker sticking to his last.
At the first opportunity the assailed re
former made this triumphant rejoinder:
"I'm attacked by a lamed scribbler,
exclaimed the speaker, "bekase I plada
the cause of the people. The rlnt office and
the backers of the landlords, the gintle
men who are Invited to stretch their legs
under the mahogany of the evict hors and
rxtermlnathors, are aglnst me, and Latin
has been used to squelch me. But here I
sun to proclaim the great truth, 'Fox poply,
(ox day!' and from this platform I fling
the Frincb In his face!"
Boneless Ham.
According to Bam Bernard, all waitresses
nave the gift of sarcasm and little faith.
, "I remember one by the name of Mag
gie, who held forth In a theatrical board
ing house," said the comedian. "Maggie
conceived a strong dislike for two brother
actors who were stopping at the house
with me. They had lost their engage
ments and were necessarily economising.
During the stringency Maggie missed her
tips. One morning when I went In for
breakfast I took a seat at the same table
with the impecunious ones, and Maggie
approached for the order.
" 'Mr. Bernard,' she began, 'what Is the
meaning of the slang word ''bone?" '
" 'The sum of . 11 Is a "bone." I ex
plained. Innocently.
"She smiled demurely. "What Is a
"ham" In theatrical slang, Mr. Bernard?'
" 'Commonly an Inferior actor I said.
What have you for breakfast?'
"Maggie raised her voice maliciously.
" 'We have a couple of boneless hams
he said." New York Times.
Nothing; Dolaar.
Speaker Cannon declares that of all the
close-fisted men he ever knew the cham
pion Is a rich bachelor who lives In Ver
milion county, Illinois. The superin
tendent of a local cemetery sent his lot
salesman to see If he could not get the '
bachelor to buy a last resting place. In
half an hour the salesman came back and
reported: "Nothing doin'. He admitted
that the lots were good, but was afraid
that if he bought one he might not get
the worth of his money." "Why, there's no
fear of that," said the superintendent, "for
he must die some day." "That's what I
told him, but he said he might be lost at
Sea."
Mam of Science Did Not Bite.
Miss Palsy Letter has brought back from
London a story about Charles Darwin.
"Two English boys," said Miss Letter,
"being friends of Darwin, thought one day
that they would play a Joke on him. They
caught a butterfly, a grasshopper, a beetle,
and a centipede, and out of these creatures
they made a strange, composite Insect.
They took the centipede's body, the but
terfly's wings, the grasshopper's legs, and
the beetle's head, and they glued them to
gether carefully. Then, with the new bug
In a box, they knocked at Darwin's door.
,CsJs .bb 'sjf
" We caught this bug In a field they
said. "Can you tell us what kind of a bug
It Is, slrr
"Darwin looked at the bug and then he
looked at the boys. He smiled slightly.
" 'Did It hum when you caught It?' he
asked.
" 'Yes,' they answered, nudging one an
other. " Then said Darwin, "It is a hum-bug "
New York Tribune.
T)aaB;ern with History.
Senator Quay of Pennsylvania was a col
lector of Indian relics, and took great In
terest also in autographs, coins and stamps.
Often, though, he ridiculed, good natureilly,
collectors' hobbles.
He was showing a reporter his Indian
robes one day. The youug man took up
a curious antique dagger that lay on a
buhl table.
"This dagger must be very old," he said.
"Has It a history?"
"It has Indeed," said Senator Quay. "It
Is the dagger that Macbeth thought he saw.
A descendant of Macbeth gave it to me In
Scotland several years ago."
Senator Quay smiled. "There Is only one
dagger I would trade this for, and that Is
a dagger that used to hang on the wall In
Alphonse Kerr's study," he said.
"Karr, in one of bis stories, had poked a
good deal of fun at a woman named Colet.
Mme. Colet, enraged at being made a butt
of, stabbed Karr. He, on his recovery,
hung the dagger she had stabbed him with
above his desk, with this Inscription be
neath It:
" 'Presented to Alphonse Karr by Mme.
Colet In the back.' "
Remained J nut as t'gly.
She Is a woman's college sophomore and
was returning from a visit to New Haven
and transferring by street car from the
station in New' York. Sho took the only
available seat In the car and just oppo
site two young men. Suddenly there en
tered a ladylike, plainly gowned , girl.
"Why don't you offer her your place?"
said the first man, nudging his compan
ion. "She is too ugly," responded the
other In a low voice, but the wind car
ried the remark to the sophomore and
she looked up quickly to see If It had
reached the other girl. Apparently It hid
not. That young person was clinging to
a strap in total unconsciousness that she
was a subject for unfavorable criticism.
At the next corner a festive maiden,
elaborately costumed, entered, and the
first man bounded from his scat, which tha
newcomer graciously accepted. This left
the second man at something of a disad
vantage. Ho also arose and proffered his
place to the girl who had first entered the
car. She surveyed him cold'y.
"Thank you, no," she said In a clear
voice, "I am still just as ugly as I was
a few minutes ago." And the Baltimore
girl longed to embrace her and give the
college yell at the top of her youthful
lunea. Baltimore Sun.
Kindness Rewarded.
"When the branch passenger train pulled
out from Mexico one afternoon this week
there was an elderly woman on board, who
asked the accommodating conductor to let
her know when the train reached Bryan
station," relates the Auxvasse (Mo.) Re
view. "Mllo said, 'All right, madam, I will
remember you. But Mr. Keyes got busy
and forgot tho old woman, and on passing
through tho car the woman said to the
conductor: 'Haven't we reached Bryan
yet?' 'Yes, yes said Mllo, 'I forgot all
about you and we have passed the station,
but I will stop tho train and back up for
you.' This being done, and the car stand
ing beside the platform, Keyes gently re
minded the woman to hurry VP and get off,
that this was Bryan station. "No, no said
the passenger, 1 do not want to get off, but
the doctor told me that when I reached this
point that I must take a pill. I'm much
obliged to you for your kindness.' "
The War Spirit.
"The Japanese," said Admiral Schley the
other day, "fl(?lit In a way we can't under
stand. All these eastern races, for that
matter, fight differently. from us.
"I remember the case of an Afrldl that a
British ofllcer once told me about. He said
that In a certain campaign against tha
Afrldis a number of natives themselves
took sides with the whites, fighting tblr
own people.
"The Afrldl in question was one of these
turncoata He stood one morning behind
a rock, hopping about with great activity
and firing shot after shot at a figure dim
In the distance.
" 'Can't you hit that roan? said the offi
cer, drawing near.
" 'No, sar answered the Afrldl, "I see
him, but he damn hard to hit. Hs Is, sar,
hardest man to hit I know
" 'Oh said the officer, 'you don't know
him, do you?'
Oh, yes, sar. I know damn rascal wTL'
" 'Who lo her the other asked.
"The Afrldl fired another shot at the dis
tant figure. Then he replied:
" 'Old damn rascal hs my father. ".
Mere Charity.
Modern advertising can cop with the
etiquette of courts. M. A. P. tells us
that a young American woman wished to
be presnted at the court of the king of
Saxony.
The high officials, having Inquired Into
her social standing at home, objected.
They represented to her that the klng
could scarcely receive the daughter of a
retail bootmaker.
Tho young woman cabled home and told
her father of the situation. The next
morning she received his answer:
"Can't call It selling. Practically giving
them away. See advertisement."
That solved the difficulty. She was pre
sented as the daughter of an eminent phil
anthropist. Uncalled For.
A Philadelphia commercial traveler, who
was more or less acquainted with the fare
at country inns of small towns In the
south, was stranded In a Georgia town.
Sitting on the porch, he was patiently
awaiting the dinner announcement. At
noon a greasy darky appeared at the door
and rang a big handbell. When the coon
dog, which had been asleep In the sun
shine, awakened, raised his nose toward
the Bky and howled most dolorously and
continuously.
The darky stooped ringing tha bell,
scowled and yelled at him:
"Dawg! dawg! Yo shet up! Yo' don't
hafta eat dls dlnnah!" Philadelphia
Ledger.
Jimmy Caught On.
Ellhu Root, who has returned to the prac
tice of law In New York City, has engaged
a new office boy. Said Mr. Root: "Who
carried off my paper basket?" "It was Mr.
Rellly." said the boy. "Who la Mr. ReUly?"
asked Mr. Root. "The Janitor, sir." An
hour later Mr. Root asked: "Jlmmle, who
opened that window?" "Mr. Lants, sir."
"And who Is Mr. Lants?" "The window
cleaner, sir." Mr. Root wheeled about and
looked at the boy. "See here, James," he
said, "we call men by their first names here.
We don't 'mister them In this office. Do
you understand?" "Yes, sir." In ten min-
utos the door opened and a small, shrill
voice said: "There's a man her as wants
to see you, Ellhu."
Trne Lnalness.
President Clowry of the Western Union
Tvlegraph company holds that laalness,
more than alcohol or anything else, is le
sponsible for the failures that men and
women make of their lives.
"Take the tramp," said President Clowry
one day. "What Is the tramp's dominant
trait? Is It not laziness? You may say
the tramp is fond of liquor. Well, I an
swer that be Is fonder of Idleness, lie
could swim In liquor If ha would work for
It. But he will not work.
"All failures are lazy. But the laziest
fail u re Is the tramp. A tramp knocked at
tha back door of my cousin's farm In Ver
mont one hot afternoon.
" 'Lady he said to the cook, "will ya
pare a poor fellow a drink of water?
" 'Certainly aha answered. 'Here's
tumbler and there's tha pump.'
" Thank you, kindly said the tramp.
'And now If you'll Just work the handle v
han't be long.' "New York Tribune.
Corrected Dlaamasla.
A Starke county physician tails this story
on himself: After writing a prescription
for a patient the physician told htm that
the druggist would probably charge him 60
cents for filling it. Then the patient asked
the physician to lend biro the 69 oents.
Thereupon the physician carefully scratched
out a part of the prescription and handed
It back with 10 cents, remarking: "You
can get that filled for a dime. What I
scratched out was for your nerves, but
you need nothing for them." Indianapolis
News.
Met His Match.
Tho clever Dr. Ritchie of Edinburgh met
with hU match while examining a student.
He said: "And you attended tha class tar
mathematics?"
"Yea."
"How many sides has a circle?"
'Two," said the student
"What are they?"
What a laugh In the class the student's
answer produced when he said: "An Inslda
and an outside."
But this was nothing compared with
what followed. The doctor raid to the stu
dent: "And you attend the moral phil
osophy class also?"
"Yea"
"Well, you would hear lectures on vari
ous subjects. Did you. ever hear one on
cause and effect?"
"Yes."
"Does an effect ever go before a causer
"Yes."
"Give me an instance."
"A man wheeling a barrow."
The doctor then sat down and proponed
no more questions.
Wonld Yon Live to Be JOO?
To live 100 years a French physician has
laid down the following rules for human
beings to observe:
1. Breathe fresh air day and night.
. Take outdoor exercise each day either
by working or walking.
8. hat and drink moderately and simply.
Choose water, milk and fruit rather than
alcohol.
4. Fortify yourself by washing dally In
cold water and by taking a. hot bath once
a week.
6. lo not wear clothes which are either
too heavy or too light
6. Live In a house that Is spacious and
dry. 1
7. Work regularly.
8. After work do not seek repose In ex..
citing distractions. The hours of leisure
belong to tho family; the night la for
sleep.
It. Ennoble your life by good actions.
Ivlff cz.
.J