7
' s5 1 6 rii)
l M iSP' .if
TAh -OouMnt Cfewreb,
iX-SKNATOR MASON of ininols
has two cousins brothers who
keep a general store In a south-
I ; J era Illinois town. Ono of the
i i n;) J biggest features of their busi
ness a tbe purchase and sale of wool, the
wool betas' bought In small lots from
neighboring; farmers. There came a re
vival of religion In the town and one of the
brothers Joined the church. Then he took
to importuning his brother to do likewise,
pointing out to him tbe beauty and com
fort of a religions life. One day he grew
particularly eloquent and said:
"Oh! Jim, It Is glorious to be a Chris
tian. It brings such a peace to one's soul.
One feels better, lives better. Is better.
It Is uplifting and refreshing. It exalts
one's life and makes him see things in
a brighter light. The little annoyances
diminish to nothingness and it makes one
happy. Even now I feel Its glow in my
heart. You ought to Join the church,
Jim."
To which Jim most seriously replied:
"Tea, Bill. I know It is a good thing to
be a Christian and belong to the church,
and I would like to have all of those
benefits, but the fact Is that somebody
has got to weigh the wool that we buy,
BUL".
Substitute - fosr Prayer.
The late Dr. Otis Avery of Honesdale
Pa., was the oldest dentist in America,
and be - was also the first American ever
to receive a dentist's certificate.
Dr. Avery was talking one afternoon
to a reporter about ' the earlier, unen
lightened days of Honesdale.
"We had not then," he said "as much
religious feeling as we have now. I re
member a revival service, very poorly at
tended, that was held during a certain
winter. The revivalist, since the people
would not come to him, went to them,
and. on the street corners he would halt
and question them concerning their re
ligious belief a
, " 1 haven't seen you at our revival,' he
said to one very old, bent man.'
- 'What would I be doln' therer the
other answered.
"'Don't you ever pray T" said the re
vivalist. The old man shook his head.
'"No, he said; 'I carry a rabbit's
foot.'"
Mm. Stanley's Rebuff.
The death of Stanley recalls many an
ecdotes, not only of the great explorer,
but of his beautiful widow, who was Miss
Dorothy Tennant. She and her sister were
brought Into some unenviable notoriety
by B. V. Benson's "Dodo," which one of
them Is said to have Inspired. While the
novel was the rage the author wrote to
Miss Tennant:
"Dear Miss Tennant: The whole world
Is talking about you and about my book.
When may I call?"
For reply he was told: "Dear Mr. Ben
son: Have you really written a book?
How sweet of you! Call at any time."
But she was never at home. Pittsburg
Dispatch.
and sinks what right has It to call Itself a
batteshtp any longer?
"Hardly any more right," the senator
went on, "than the child of a certain Klls
worth couple had to call Itself Methuselah.
The parents of this child liked Biblical
names, and their children as they appeared
were christened Noah, Ruth, Shera and so
on. Finally a baby boy arrived and the
name of Methuselah was bestowed on hint.
"But poor little Methuselah did not live
up to his name. On the contrary, he died
died In his infancy and In one of our Ells
worth cemeteries you may see his tomb
with tho epitaph:
" 'Methuselah Carney, aged 9 months.'
"I think of the epitaph," concluded Sen
ator Hale, "whenever I think of mtidorn
battleships." New Tork Tribune.
A Chilly Reception.
George Ada, at a recent banquet, was
asked to speak on success. "I suppose that
failure Is more familiar than success to all
of us," he said. "We work away. Four
things fail. The fifth thing rucceed The
hardest workers have the most failures,
but, then, they have the most successes,
too.
"One of my early failures was a melo
drama that I traveled all the way from
Chicago to New Tork to sell to a manager.
This was In my youth, when I had confi
dence in myself. The manager returned
my melodrama. He said he didn't care for
It.
"I pointed out the merits In It which he
had overlooked. I proved that he would
make a great mistake if he should not ac
cept this work. But he shook his head.
"'Can't you use It at alir I asked, des
perately. ' Well,' said he, 'I might grind it up and
use it for a snowstorm.' " Success.
Had Madera Mistake.
The following Is told of an ' American
gentleman who was recently stopping with
his wife at the Hotel Cecil In London. On
their first evening there he happened to re
tire somewhat earlier than his spouse. Ar
riving at the door of what he imagined.was
his own room and finding it locked he
tapped and called "Honey!"
No answer came, and he again called
more loudly "Honey!"
Still he got no reply, and becoming some
what uneasy, be shouted the endearing
term with his full lung power.
This time a reply came, and in a male
voice.
"Go away, you blithering Idiot! This Is a
bathroom, not a blooming beehive!" Cleve
land Plain Dealer.
Really a. Mlaaoater.
Senator Hale claims that the fate of the
Fetropavlovsk proves that battleships are
obsolete. . .
"Tbe word battleship," be aaid the other
day, 'is now a misnomer. This big and
costly and helpless sea monatsr, that at a
touch of a 94 mine or torpedo turns turtle
Ko Limit to the Game.
Here is another "war story" attributed
to the Chinese minister, Sir Chen Tung.
He was being entertained In Wahlngton
recently, and the conversation turned upon
the cabled expression of Russian opinion
that the farther Kouropatkln gets away
from Kurokl the harder It will be for Ku
roki to' reach him.
Sir Chen Tung, with the prudence of his
race, did not so much as smile, but made
the following contribution:
"When I was at Phillips Andover I went
strolling one day In the' fields with a young
woman I admired. We encountered a very
vivacious bull, which ' undertook a flank
movement. The farmer, who saw the situ
ation, shouted, 'Fall back, rail back.' We
fell back. But the creature came on. 'Fall
back, fall back.' he cried again. 'I can't
fall back any farther, I replied. 'We have
reached the limit.' 'Limit! limit!' screamed
the farmer, 'Gosh blame your durn fool
yes! There ain't no limit to a game with
a bull.' "New Tork Mall.
HardI.neU.
While on a visit in New Tork the other
day ex-Senator David B. Hill met an old
time acquaintance and asked Dim how he
was "getting along." The gentleman com
plained that he was In "hard luck." and
aaid:
"Things have been going very badly with
tne lately. The fact Is, If I were Lasarua,
and the Lord said, "Come forth, I would
oome fifth." New Tork Times.
Poor I.o Was Wise.
Senator Hansbrough of North Dakota
tells a funny story of an Indian on the
Devil's Lake reservation. The Indian had
paid a white man some money and wanted
a receipt. In vain the white man told that
a receipt was unnecessary. "Me must have
paper to show owe white man nothing,"
said the Indian.
"Why?"
"If me go to heaven," replied the Indian,
"good Lord ask Injun if he pay his debts.
Injun say yes. Good Lord ask Injun where
Is receipt, and what Injun going to do
then? Injun can't go all Over hell looking
for you."
The white man wrote the receipt at once.
Made It Plata.
Jacob H. Schlft, the New Tork banker,
was talking about plain and direct speech.
"To be plain and direct la always best," .
he eald. "but to be too plain and direct Is
to be uncouth to be ludicrous.
"A good example of that was afforded by
a clergyman. He was addressing a con
gregation of fishermen, and he wanted to
be sure they would understand him.
" The Bible tells us,' said this clergy
man,, 'that It is as difficult for a camel to
pass through a needle's eye as for a rich
man to enter the kingdom of heaven. That
though, Is a roundabout, confused way of
stating the case. I should state It like
this:
" 'It Is as difficult for a rich man to enter
the kingdom of heaven as for a shad to go
up a smooth bark apple tree tall foremost'"
Differentiation la Ethic.
"Down In my country," aaid William
Zeveley of Muskogee, L T., "there was a
lawyer named McGann who was retained to
defend an old chap charged with killing a
man. McGann got his client out on ball,
and the client, not satisfied with the alow
working of the law, thought to settle things
for himself and In his favor.
"He went out one day and killed the chief
witness for his prosecution. The sher
iff went after, him, but he lived near the
Arkansas line, and hopped over Into that
state every time a posse approached. Fin
ally a reward of $300 was offered for the
murderer. McGann was short of money
and went to the sheriff. 'Bill,' be said,
'will you give me that $309 reward If I get
that man for your
" 'Sure,' said the sheriff. McGann drove
out to the old fellow's place and found him
in one of his fields, but carrying a rifle.
When the man saw his lawyer he put down
his rifle. McGann drew bead on him with
his own rifle and ordered him to throw up
his hands. The old man began shooting,
and McGann shot him through the head and
killed him.
"He toted the body In and claimed his
reward. The sheriff gave him an order on
the county treasurer for the $300. As he
was going to collect the money McGann
met another lawyer. "Say, McGann,' aaid
the other lawyer, waa It right for you to
kill that man? Was It la accordance with
the ethics of the profession for you to get
him when he was your client?'
"'Ethics thunder r shouted McGann. 'I
killed him In another case.'" Pittsburg
Gasetle.
3
Ills First Ksperieneo with Wasmer.
A humorous writer of reputation, whose
operatic experience has been limited, waa
Induced to accompany his wife to a per
formance of Wagner's "Tristan and Isolde"
during the recent opera season In New
Tork. A friend, meeting him the follow
Ing day, asked, with interest, what his Im
pression had been.
"Well, it didn't hit me, remarked th
writer, musingly. "I couldn't see It at all.
I didn't mind so much when the captain
Steered the ship for ten minutes, standing
with his arms folded twenty feet from tho
tiller. But when they came to the place
where Isoldy puts poison in her lover's
tea I threw up the game and smoked In
the lobby till the act waa over." Harper's
Weekly.
Cloelc to Raa About aOyOOO Tears.
A radium clock, which will keep time In
definitely, has been constructed by Har
rlson Martindale of England.
The clock comprises a small tube,' la
which Is placed a minute quantity of ra
dium supported In an ' exhausted glass
vessel by a quarts rod. To the lower n4
of the tube, which is colored violet by
the action of the radium, . an etectrosiMpo
formed of two long leaves or strips- of
liver is attached.
- A chargo of electricity in which tiers
are no beta rays Is transmitted through
the activity of the radium Into tho leaves
and the latter thereby expand until they
touch- the sides of the vessel, oonnected
to earth by wires, which instantly conduct
the electric charg-, mmd tho leaves fall
together.
TIus simple operation is repeated In
cessantly every two minutes until the ra
dium is exhausted, which in this Instance
It Is computed will occupy $0,000 years.
Scientific American.
Hitting- TnBaebeiara.
One of Joseph Jefferson's t abomina
tions is a bachelor. Tbe vejerabUt se'or
beliovea In early marriages and recently
advised a group of Tale juniors to marry
as soon as ever they could afford it. "Bach
elorswhy, I have the utmost contempt
for the whole breed of them," he said.
"The older they grow the more conceited
they grow. I took ons down a peg, though,
the other day. He was talking about this
woman he had known and that woman he
had known, and these women. It seeael,
had married. 'Why. you, I said, are In
danger of getting left. Why don't you, loo,
get married before it is too late? Oh,
said the bachelor, with a chuckle, there
are still plenty of good fish In the sea,'
'But the bait,' said I, 'isn't there danger
of tho bait becoming stale?' M
His Octree. '
Dean Russell of the Teachers' college has
had a new honorary degree thrust upon
him by a cockney serving maid In his em
ploy. ' She was showing his gown to a
visitor tho other day. Taking It down
from the place where it hung, she turned
It about to display all of Its points, and ex
claimed, with the ring of intense pride la
her tones :
"That's1 the robe he wore when he took
his Hell, Hell, Dee." New Tork Conuner
clal.