f
MeKtnley Was (3nrotim
r ENATOR FRYE was In a remlnls
I I cent mood the other evening and
I VJ J told me of McKlnley's first ap
ff'W3sl pcarance on the floor of the house
of representatives.
"He was genial, yet somewhat shy," said
Senator Fryo, "and when we drew lota for
Beats he drew a very good seat and I drew
a poor one. The next morning I found all
his things In my seat, and my books and
papers had been removed to the better seat
that he had drawn.
" 'How is this, major?" I said; 'there's
some mistake.'
" 'Not at all, congressman,' he replied
graciously; 'this seat belongs to you.'
" 'No, this will not do,' I said; 'you drew
this seat, and I must Insist upon your keep
ing It.'
" 'Now, look here, congressman,' said Mc
Kinley, 'you have been here before and you
are likely to obtain the attention of the
chair and address the house, while this is
my first term and I am expected to do
nothing but look wise.'
" 'Yes, but the rules of the house?" I re
plied. " 'What are the rules of the house be
tween friends? Tou take the scat,' was the
answer of the future president." National
Magazine.
How Misunderstanding Area.
A principal In one of the primary grades
Of a school In South San Francisco tells a
Btory which Illustrates the readiness of the
Hibernians to find and resent an insult.
"One afternoon," he said, "a daughter of
the Emerald isle rushed into my office and
Bald that one of the teachers had insulted
her child by asking it foolish questions. I
asked her the nature of the question, and
Bhe said the teacher had asked the child to
tell how many carrots there were In a
bushel. I told the excited mother to ac
company me to the class room and wo
would question the teacher.
"After considerable reflection the teacher
could not recall having asked the child any
auch question. We were about to leave tho
room with the anger of the parent still
unsatisfied when the teacher said: 'I think
J know now what Mrs. McCann means.
Yesterday, while teaching the class the
rudiments of music, I did ask as a general
question, "How many beats are there in a
measure?" ' "New York Tribune.
He looked I.Ike Clny.
Former United States States Senator Vest
was one of the most popular members of
the upper branch of the national legisla
ture. He always had a stock of stories on
kand, and the best of it was that they
were always to the point. One of them con
cerned the Kentucky hotel clerk who
Imagined that he resembled Henry Clay.
A belated traveler who arrived at the
bostlery one night found the clerk busily
engaged In discussing politics with one of
the office loungers. He rapped on the
desk, but the clerk paid no attention to
him. Finally he called out sharply:
"Can I register here?"
"Hook's on the desk," was the languid
reply.
When the guest had Inscribed his name
on the register the clerk strolled over In
the most languid style, and looking the
visitor over from head to foot, said; "I
don't know whether we can room you to
right or not."
"Well," said the now Irate traveler, "I
wish you would find out as soon as you
can."
The clerk pawed over the register leis
urely, adjusted his tie. glanced admir
ingly In the mirror at the reflection of his
diamond pin, juggled with a handful of
room keys, und said finally:
"iiere, take 497, fourth floor back."
Taking the key, the guest drew himself
up like a pugilist getting ready for battle,
and said to the clerk, in rasping tones.
"Say, do you know you remind me very
much of Clay?" New York Herald.
SmoothluK Trouble at Sen.
Harry Lehr and John Jacob Astor visited
Philadelphia recently in a motor car. They
stayed overnight In Philadelphia and dur
ing the evening a number of young men
called on them.
Mr. Lehr was in good spirit His con
versation was amusing. The talk happened
to turn on sea voyaging, and ho said:
"Once, crossing the Atlantic, a tremen
dous row arose among the sailors. They
fought down in the forecastle like a pack
of wild beasts. luncheon was going on at
the time, and the first officer left the table
to see If he could quell the disturbance.
He had only been gone a little while when
the hubbub began to die down. Hvery
thlng was quiet when ho returned. Tho
captain called across tho saloon to him.
In an approving tone:
" 'Things seem to be smoother now.
" 'Yes,' returned the first officer, 'we
have ironed the sailors, Blr.' "New York
Tribune.
An Opening.
Jamc9 It. Keene Is a man of few words,
but can be as courteous as a cavalier or
as acridly sarcastic as the late Mr. Whist
ler. The financier was cornered In his
office one day by a woman with a social
economy hobby, who talked away much of
his valuable time. During a half hour Mr.
Keene had not a single chance to get in a
word, so voluble was his visitor. But in
telling of a surprise she had experienced
she said: "Why, Mr. Keene, my heart was
in my mouth; I couldn't speak." "Mar
velous!" exclaimed the big operator, ris
ing. "I regiet it was not my pleasure to
have met you then."
A Civil War Tonnt.
It may seem rather tilt i to go back to
civil war times for a story, but all the
tales of that memorable time have not
been told, and as this one was a personal
experience of a relative of mine I can
vouch for it. I have never seen it in print
nor heard anyone else tell It.
My uncle, Mcjor Thomas Rldgly, was a
Burgeon attached to General Grant's staff.
It was after the surrender of Vlcksburg.
The union forces had entered the city and
much merry-making and entertulnlng were
going on. One night a dinner was in
progress at which many northern olllcers
and a large number of southern women
were present. Many toasts had been pro
posed and drunk, all of them practically
in honor of the successes of the union
urmy and the men responsible for them.
Finally one of tho southern women, a
great beauty nnd noted for her intense
partisan feeling for the south, arose and
said, "Gentlemen, may I propose a toast?"
With natural gallantry and a little trepi
dation the runking officer said, "Cer
tainly." "Well, then gentlemen, I give you, "The
Southern Confederacy."
It was an embarrassing situation. But
with hardly a moment's hesitation one of
the northern officers relieved the tension.
"Down with it, gentlemen," he cried; and
the glasses were drained without embar
rassment and without disloyalty. Llppin
cott's.
now lie Got a Straight Tip.
A prominent New York broker tells the
following story at the expense of a Itilla
delphian: Some time ago Mr. W. gave a
dinner, and at It were several Wall street
operators. W. Is always on the lookout
for market tips. As a rule he is rather
cautious In his habits, but that night he
dined a bit too freely and awoke the next
morning In a rather muddled condition.
But ho was perfectly clear on one thing.
Somebody had given him a tip to buy
corn. Who Rave him the Information W.
could not rell. He knew nothing of corn,
or any other grain. But ho went ahead
and operated In corn with a vengeance,
bought 200,W:O bushels, and the price began
to climb. Then lie bought more. The
shorts got scared, ran to cover, and on
the final jump W. covered and cleaned up
$8(1.000.
That night he hunted up his guests and
tried to find tho man who had given him
such valuablo advice, but in vain. W. was
becoming worried. His coachman drove
him home, and as ho stepped from his
carriage his man said:
"Kxcuso me, sir, but did you order corn?
Last night you promised to buy forty
bushels. We're clean out, sir."
He gavo the fellow a $1,000 bill, saying:
"Buy the corn and keep the change."
Philadelphia Ledger.
$
A Draw,
Among the many court legends related
by ex-Judge Schata of Mount Vernon Is
one of an Irishman called to the bar on
a charge of wife beating. The accused,
a lightweight, whose manner reflected
tnore of meekness than ferocity, sat
quietly nursing a few facial scars as his
wife, a burly specimen of her race, ex
citedly told the story of her grievances.
When this, and the corroborative testi
mony of other witnesses had been heard,
the judge turned to the prisoner and
sternly exclaimed:
"Stand up there, Holahan, and let tho
court hear what defense, If any, you
have to make to this charge of brutality."
The prisoner staggered to his feet, and
as the blood trickled from his wounds
as If to emphasize the plaintive tonus of
his remonstrance, he replied:
"Iieggin" yer pardon, ycr honor, but Ol
don't t'ink Ol bato her."
"What!" Indignantly shouted the Judge;
"don't think you beat her? After nil the
damning testimony we have heard havo
you the audacity to expect the court to
believe your unsupported assertion that
you didn't beat her?"
"Axlu' yer mercy, Joodge, for mo bowld
nlss," deferentially replied Holahan, "but
all the same Ol do be t'lnkin' that ef yer
honor had been rlfereein' the sehrap yer
silf ye'd a-culled it a draw." New York
Times.
fnexpeeted Kvldenee.
Mrs. Nelswanger of Iielolt sued the Mis
souri Pacific company for $10,000 damaged
for injuries received In a fail for which,
she alleged, tho company was responsible.
The case was tried in Hooks county.
B. P. Waggener wanted to prove that
there was a full moon at the time the ac
cident happened and to place the re
sponsibility on the plaintiff. He sent a
boy down town to a drug store to get
an almanac of that year. Without exam
ining it, except to see that It contained
the proof which he desired, he offered it
In evidence.
Tho attorney for Mrs. Nelswanger, In
his argumetit, said that the defendant
company was the property of Jay Gould
and other millionaires, who had amassed
fortunes amounting to hundreds of mil
lions. Mr. Wagoner protested against this
line of discussion, declaring that there
was nothing In the evidence to warrant
the statement.
"Hut there Is, may It please your honor,"
the other lawyer declared. "It Is In tho
evidence offered by Mr. Waggener him
self." "Where?" exclaimed Mr. Waggener.
"In this almanac," the opposing lawyer
said, and sure engh In the book were
pictures and short sketches of Jay Gould,
Ilussell Sage, Henry Marquand and other
associates of Gould, and everyone of them
said to be worth from $7G,00o,000 to $l(V
otw.ono.
Tho Jury returned a verdict of $3,000 for
Mrs. Nelswanger. Topeka Capital.
(nmruuoui)'.
David Jayne Hill, now United State
minister to Switzerland, used to be presi
dent of tho University of Rochester. Tha
small daughter of his mathematical col
league was very fond of him and she had
u great habit of picking tip long words and
making him tell her what they meant.
"What's the difference between gastron
omy and astronomy?" she asked onu day.
"Astronomy," replied the president, "Is
the science of the heavenly bodies, Doro
thy. Gastronomy Is or well, a heavenly,
Bclence of tho earthly body."
How 'I I in llroke tbo ,ewa.
Mr. Nolan had ucqulred a great reputa
tion for tact, so that when Mr. Cavsldy fell
from a ladder and broke Ids leg it was
quickly decided by ail tho workmen that
Mr. Nolan should bear the tidings to Mrs.
Cassldy.
"lie broke the news gradual," said Mr.
Leahy to his wile that night, "and by the
time she learned the thruth she was as
ca'm as a clock, they say. Oh, he's tha
great man, is Timothy Nolan."
"How did he do it?" asked Mrs. Leahy,
Impatiently.
"Like this," said Mr. Nolan's admirer.
"He wlnt to the house and rang the hell,
and he says, 'Thin Dlnnia Is not' dead, Mrs.
Cassldy, or you'd never be so gay lookln'."
" 'Dead!' she screeches. 'Who said ho
w.as dead?'
" 'Thin It's no thruo he's near to dyln'
wid the smallpox, either," said Tlmmy No
lan, 'or you'd nlver be lookln' so nmazed.'
" '8mall)ox!' she cries. 'Has he got tha
Bmallpox, Timmy Nolan, an" been tuk to
the hospital without me sayln' goodby to
him?'
" 'Suro an 'he has not,' said Tlmmy No
lan, In a comfortln 'tone. 'It's only that
he brolto a few bones in his leg, fullln
from a ladder, an' I'm Bint ahead wld tho
news.'
" 'It's you that's a thrue friend, on'
you've lifted a big load from me heart,'
said Mrs. Cassldy, and sho gavo a warm
Shake to his hand nnd wint back to hur
washin'." Youth's Companion.
(.'liKlatonlau Retort.
Mr. Gladstone was once drawing very re
markable conclusions from some llguraB
an art in which he was an unapproached,
master. A member on the other side
laughed out a "Hear, hear!" Ironically.
Gladstone stopped instantly and turned and
looked with interest at tho interrupter,
who assuredly would at that moment hnva
given a good deul to recall his words. Then
he turned back to tho speaker. "Sir," ha
said, "the honorable gcntloman laughs."
For a minute or two he quoted from mem
ory a long string of figures proving the ac
curacy of what lie had previously said:
"The next time the honorable member
laughs," he continued in honeyed tonus, "I
would advise him 1 would venture to coun
sel him to ornament his laugh to deco
rate it with an idea."
Four Hull Toast.
Sir Chentung, the Chinese ambassador,
cannot be. induced to make a direct refer
ence to the war, but that it occupies a
prominent place in his mind was shown
at a recent 1 anquet in New York. Sev
eral speakers had lauded the ability that
Chentung hud shown while at college in
this country, it t baseball and football. On
of the ambassador's neighbors, overcome
by tlio occasion, shouted: "'Rah, "rah,
'rah for the three balls base ball, foot ball
and high ball!" "Make it four," answered
tho Chinese minister, his eyes narrowing
In two long lines of grim suggestiveness;
"add a fourth cannon ball."
