Storlea Aboat Tim Campbell.
IM" CAMPBELii Is no more. In
native heath Tim ruled a
subdislrlct In Tammany's baili
wick. In the height of his pros
perity and glory he held down a
mat in congress. He was the personitica
tinii of rough tact. While he was Justice
o the civil court in New York City two
friends of his camu into violent litigious
collision. Said Mr. Campbell when they
appeared before him:
"Now, what do the likes of you moan
by this? I'm horror struck. You ought to
know better than to oak mo to decide
between you. I demand of you two that
you settle this case out of court." They
did.
In 1S85 Campbell was elected a congress
man to succeed Sunset Cox, who had been
appointed minister to Turkey. Mr. Camp
bell was three times elected to congress
It was told that he once had a dispute
with the late Thomas IS. Heed as follows:
"What," asked Mr. Campbell of Mr.
Reed, "do you think of the action of tills
man Cleveland against Venezuela?"
"As nn Irishman," said Mr. Reed, "I
am more than satisfied. But what do you.
think of this man Benjamin Harrison?"
Mr. Harrison had Just then taken a
prominent part against the Chinese ex
clusion bill.
"As a Chanyman," said Mr. Campbell
calmly, "I rej'lce."
The famous story about "Tim" Campbell,
In which he abrogated the constitution,
dates back to the time when he was In
congress. It was said that he asked Mr.
Cleveland, who was then president, to make
a certain appointment. .
"But it would be unconstitutional," said
Mr. Cleveland.
"Ah! Mr. President," expostulated the
congressman, "what is the constitution
betwane friends?"
Mr. Campbell denied this story to the day
Of his death.
"I have been guilty of a million crimes,"
lie was wont to cay, "but never did I cast
contumelious scorn upon the constitution
f the United States."
Sensitive Aboat It.
John 8. Sargent, while he was painting
the portrait of James Whltcorob Rliey in
Philadelphia, narrated some of the vicissi
tudes of a portrait painter's life.
"Once I remember," ho said, "I did a
half length of a rich Londoner. The man
was a coarse, high-colored type; he made
rather a good subject. When the portrait
v as done he stood off and studied It very
closely.
" Well?' said I.
" 'Well said he. It la excellent. Only
he added, 'You have left out one very es
sential feature.
" 'Excuse me, but,' I faltered, 'I thought
you wouldn't care to have the r er wart
reproduced."
" 'Hang It,' he said, 'I'm talking aboat
the diamond pin, not the wart.' "
Dlsgnlalaai the Art.
Judge E. II. Gary, chairman of the ex
ecutive committee of the Steel trust, used
to live in the Illinois town of Whenton.
"One day in Wheaton," Judge Gary said
recently, "I took dinner with a clergyman
and his family. The clergyman had an 8
y ear-old son called Joe, and Joe was a very
bright boy.
" 'Look here, Joe,' I said during the
course of the dinner, 'I have a question to
ask you about your father.'
"Joe looked gravely at me.
" 'All right; I'll answer your question,' he
said.
" 'Well,' said I, 1 want to know If your
ZxgrAh S$I NJ4&' -fs?jr Vk
father doesn't preach the same sermon
twice sometimes.'
" 'Yes, I think he does,' said Joe, "but the
second time he always hollers in different
place from what he did the first time.' "
New York Tribune.
Soft Snnpa.
.Ex-Senator Mason of Illinois was seated
with a party of friends In a Washington
cafe one evening, when the circle was Joined
by the son of a big western capitalist,
whose main aim In life seemed to be a con
tinuous Jubilee. Ho was of that class
Inelegantly known us "butters In," and it
was soon evident that his presence was
dist:isteful to the senator.
"My old man doesn't put up a cent for
mo," said the young man, displaying a fat
roll of greenbacks. "I"tn on my own re
sources." "How do you manago It?" asked ono of
the party. "You must have some sort of a
"snap.
"This is my "snap.' " said the gay spend
thrift. Impressively touching his head.
"And there's not a softer 'snap' in the
world," assented Senator Mason.
S
I'ltHlnmou Wavxed Merry.
Robert Fitasimmons Is not a habitual wit,
but he bos the faculty of arousing laughter
with, a quip onco In six months. There Is
no one better known in the collegiate and
amateur athletic circles of Philadelphia
than Oeorge Brooke.
He is a squash champion which. Homer
Davenport to the contrary notwithstanding,
does not mean a champion Judge of
squashes.
He made the acquaintance of Robert
Fltzslmmons. and Freckled Faced Bob
highly approved of him.
So much so that he gazed at him long
and earnestly, and said:
"Squash champion, are you? Right? Oh,
well, Mr. Brooke, 'ere's a little present I'm
a-gilng to give you.
"I got two howls over to Bensonhurst,
and I'm goln' to give you one."
"One what?"
"One howl. A bloomln fat bird that
sleeps all day."
"Oh!" said Mr. Brooke, "an owl year
"You shall 'avo it tomorrow."
"But look here, Mr. Fltzslmmons. why
the deuce are you going to give me an
owl?"
Bob's little eyes glinted and his thin Hps
compressed.
"So you can smack Mm on the eye with
your bloomln' squash bat an "ear the beg
gar 'oot!" Boston Post.
Then Came Silence.
"I was at a dinner In I.ondon last spring,"
said the Chicago lawyer, "and almost di
rectly opposite me sat a countrywoman of
mine from Kentucky. One stout, red-faced
Englishwoman In the party persisted In
baiting the Kentuckian till I looked to see
her lose her temper long before she did.
The English woman talked about America
and the Americans as If the Kentucky
woman had Invented the country and was
responsible for everything from Tammany
to Pullman cars. Nothing American es
caped her censure, and at length she began
on the race question In a way that isn't
heard at American dinner parties. She
went on and on, and the Kentuckian began
to look dangerous. At last the English
woman said:
" 'But you cant deny that you actually
burn niggers In the states.'
"The Kentuckian smiled deliberately.
" 'Oh, the reports of that are greatly ex
aggerated,' she said. The practice Isn't
general. We only do It In parts of the
country where coal la too expensive to use.'
"And the Englishwoman didn't speak an
other word for nearly live minutes." Wash
ington Post.
Mr. S4ooaers Uothei.
"Who Is that littlo senator with the
tous-eled hair and tho sarcastic, smile, with
his tinder lip stuck out?" asked a New
York woman visitor In tho senate gallery.
"That is Mr. Spoonrr of Wisconsin," said
tho Washington woman who was showing
her around.
"I thought so," she commented. "Ills
clothes show plainly that they couldn't
have been made anywhere but In Wiscon
sin." Back of them was sitting another woman
who overheard the conversation. She com
pressed her lips tightly, walked out of the
gallery with a resolute air, proceeded to
the marble room, and summoned Mr.
Bpooner out of the senate.
"John." she said, llrmly, "I have Just
overheard a conversation which I am going
to repeat to you, because it proves that I
um right. You know 1 have always told
you that you shouldn't have your clothes
made in New York." New York Times.
Klaht to o Point.
Ho had studied by himself, and earns up
for examination to college with Inadequate
preparation. Ha approached ancient his
tory with fear and doubt, for he had I. ad
little time to stuff himself with the history
of the Caesars, according to "The Youth's
Companion."
The paper contained a question at which
the young man looked with dismay.
"What can you say about Caligula?"
He did not remember that Caligula was
the worst of a long Una of mad and bad
Roman emperors.
But a witless Inspiration cam to him, of
the sort that often saves tho young and
tho Ignorant. He wrote:
"Tho less said about Caligula, the better."
He passed. New York Tribune.
Knew from Kiperlrare,
It was at a club a man's club and the
members were discussing woman, possibly
from a realizing sense of how little they
could ever hope to know about the subject
and with a laudable desire to learn by
pooling their general Information as much
as might be. From women In the abstract
the conversation had drifted naturally to
a consideration of the more concrete ex
pression of feminine phenomena; in other
words, the company was talking wives, and
each member was putting In his little claim
to reflected glory, even as, long ago, did the
happy husband of one Penelope.
"My wife," said the man from Brooklyn,
proudly, "has one of the brightest minds of
any woman I have ever met"
"Indeed she has," agreed a stranger, who
had just been Introduced to the club.
The Brooklyn man looked up sharply.
There was an authoritative ring In the
stranger's voice that he did not quite like,
"Nevertheless," he continued after a
pause, "I must admit that she has her
faults."
"Indeed she has," corroborated the stran
ger. The Brooklyn man started to his feet.
"See here, my friend," he exclaimed, "I
should like to know by what authority you
agree with me so definitely about my
wife?"
"The best In the world," said the stran
ger. "I used to be married to her myself,
you know." New York Press.
Mr. Caaeatt'e Omitted Item.
A. J. Cassatt, the president of the Penn
sylvania railroad, has a stock farm on
the outskirts of Philadelphia, and at a re
cent dinner of the Philadelphia Clover
club, says Collier's Weekly, a friend of
5Sa
03
th eminent railroader said: "Mr Caa
eatt has a fine stock farm, and he runs
It on a businesslike basis. Sometimes ho
makes money out of It.
' lMt year he bought a pig for t-7. fed
It forty bushels of corn at 11 a bushel, and
thin sold It for J31.W).
" I made H.60 out of that pig,' he said
to me the day after the animal was taken
away.
" But,' said I, 'how about the forty
bushels of corn at $1 a bushel that you
fed him?'
" 'Oh.' said Mr. Cassatt. 'I didn't expect
to make anything on the corn.' "New
York Times.
Viewed Merely mm v I'nallme.
The man from Chicago looked with unrai
scorn nt the Uramblevlllo ticket agent as
he handed out a dollar bill and pushed IC
through tho opening.
"You've got a pretty lot of citizens to
allow themselves to he charged at tho
rate of 6 cents n mile from here to Bushby
on a miserable little crawling one-horso
branch rond." he said, bltlngly.
Tho ticket agent looked at him with a
calmness which nothing could disturb.
"I'd like to call your attention to ono
fact lief ire you go on usln' any mora
language." he said, mildly, "and that lit.
that while It may be 5 cents a mlle. It's)
only 35 cents an hour." Youth's Com
panion. lie Was a Hero.
Speaking of great civil war storien. Miss
Ada Sweet, when in Denver recently, told
tha following:
Her father. General Sweet, of Chicago,
was taking his regiment Into action. Ho
sent forward a detail of men to make gap
in a rail fence to avoid the heavy loss
sure to result If the whole body of roon
paused to tear It down.
Tho cooUst and finest man In tho detail
was a young soldier who had never been
under Are before. When he began pulling
down tho fence he disturbed a nest of
hornets, and they sang fiercely about his)
ears. But the lad was not going to run
from hornets when there was more seri
ous business ahead.
Ignoring the angry Insects, he opened
the fence and rejoined the regiment with
out being stung.
After a time he was appointed second
lieutenant and called on General Sweet to
thank him.
"But." he said, modestly, "I don't thin.
I.desorve promotion over the others."
"My boy." replied the general, "I saw
you pull down that fence. Tou were tho
coolest man under fire I evor saw!"
The man gasped, stared and turned pale.
"Good God!" he exclaimed, losing all
caution and grammar. "Was them bul
lets?" Denver Post.
Saved the mr.
Mark Twain likes to recall and tell of tho
days when he was a characteristically Im
pecunious reporter. One day he had a not)
to meet, but labored under a total lack of
funds. Half distracted, he was rushing
around San Francisco In a feverish hunt
for enough cash to tide him over the trying
time. He rushed a little too quickly, how
ever, for as he was turning a corner ho
collided with a little man and overthrew
lilm. The victim regained his feet and
yelled: "You do that again and I'll knock
you Into the middle of next week." "My
dear sir," said the apologetic humorist,
"do it by all means. If I can get through,
till then without breaking I'm safe." Tho
originality of this reply struck the stranger,
who after some talk handed Mark a check
for the nocessary amount.
