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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (March 20, 1904)
Gentle Rrpnlar by Lincoln. IKNATOR Cullom was one of Lin s coln's intimates. On Lincoln's birthday he told an Interesting story about the great president. "There was on Ignorant man," he said, "who once applied to Lincoln for. the post of doorkeeper to the house. This man had no right to ask Lincoln for any thing. It was necessary to repulse him. Hut Lincoln repulsed him gently and whim sically, without hurting his feelings, in this way: " "So you want to be doorkeeper to the house, eh?' " 'Yes, Mr. President. ' 'Well, have you ever been a door keeper? Have you ever had any experience of doorkeeping?' " 'Well, no no actual experience, sir. " 'Any theoretical experience? Any In structions in the duties and ethics of door keeping? " 'ITmh no.' " 'Have you ever attended lectures on doorkeeping?' " 'No, sir.' " 'Have you read any text-book on the subject?" " 'No.' " 'Have you conversed with anyone who has read such a book?" " 'No, sir; I'm afraid not, sir.' " 'Well, then, my friend, don't you see that you haven't a single qualification for this important post?' said Lincoln In a reproachful tone. " 'Yes, I do,' said the applicant, and be took leave humbly, almost gratefully." Fooled the Mole. Tho mine workers at Pittston, Pa., are telling of tho clever way in which tho strike of the four mulrs at the Diamond shaft of tho Delaware, Lackawanna & Western company was broken by Jack McAnaney, tho mule boss. It is not often that mules strike, but when they do there Is trouble. Old Boxer, the lead mule of the four which draw tho cars Into the West Park slope, took sick and could not work, so McAnaney promoted another mule to the lead and put In a green one. The lead mule would not start, however. All kind Of whipping and couxing would not move lim and the others were Just as stubborn. McAnaney ordered nil lights out. He put a couple of driver boys in Old Boxer's place, covered them with a big leather apron and Using a whip freely on the fake mule, cried out: "Get up. Boxer, you old cuss! Gee up there!" The first mule was fooled and ho tugged and the others followed. Tho operation was repeated each time the mules came out to the head of tho slope because they balked again when there was no Imitation Old Boxer in front, and the ears were drawn in that way all day long. The next day Boxer was better and took his old place at the head of the team. Bound to Keep Up. Several years ago the late Colonel Gabs Tlouck of Oshkosh, Wis., was trying a case before a judge noted for his arbitrary rul ings. The Judge, becoming weary, said he would postpone a further hearing till the following Friday. "But that Is Good Fri day." suggested Colonel Bouck. "We'll hear the case then, anyway," said the Jurist. "You'll break a record that has Stood since the Christian era," said Bouck. "I'onliua Pilate Is the only Judge who held court on Good Friday." On one occasion during the civil war it was reported In camp that six men of a New Jersey regiment In the brigade hurt been baptized that morning. When Colonel Bouck heard it he called his adjutant and Issued this command: "Adjutant, detail twelve men for baptism tomorrow morning. I'm not going to have any blank New Jersey regiment get ahead of the Klgh teenth Wisconsin." lie Won by a. None. Davidson, tho ex-Cnlverslty of Pennsyl vania foot bull player, who was recently murrled, played professional foot bull after leaving college. Mr. Davidson Is a good natured, curly-headed giant. He had, ac cording to the story, courted his present bride for some time and had made but little progress. Finally, In a fierce foot ball scrimmage his noso was broken. Now, Mr. Davidson's nose was never his strong point in personal beauty, so he seized tho opportunity, and, so say his friends, wilt his girl the following telegram: "My nose is broken. Shall I have it set Greek or Roman?" The reply came back: "Greek." It was ret Greek. Shortly afterward the engagement was announced. His friends said that Mr. Davidson had won by a nose Philadelphia Press. He Did His Best. Judge Tarry of the Kngllsh judiciary, who enjoys the distinction of being tho only judge who has written a play in his judicial days, gives, In the Cornlilll Magazine, ail amusing account of his dally experiences as a county court Judge in Manchester. One of his best stories relates to a feeblo looking man, who wus rebuked for support ing a ridiculous claim made by his wife. "I tell you candidly I don't believe u word of your wife's story," said Judge Parry. "Yer may do as yer like," replied the man, mournfully, "but I've got to." It was oneo the doubtful privilege of Judge Parry to overhear the comments of two men against whom ho had decided. " 'K's a fool, a fjMil, but 'o did 'is best," was the verdict of these disappointed suitors. "One nil;;ht sleep under an unkinder epitaph," is the philosophic comment of the Judge, Where Flnncttiiti Mnrie a Mistake. Murphy has a friend who lias been as regular as clockwork for years in his dally visits to Murphy'H "sample room." Tho friend's name la Finnegan. Finnegan says ho has known Murphy ever Flnce he lias been in business. In all that time, says Finnegan, Murphy has never treated hi:n to a drink. "He almost did it once, though," raid Finnegan the other day. "It happened this way: I went Into Murphy's saloon for my usual eyeopener and found Murphy all smiles und joviality. 'Finnegan,' says lie, 'this Is me birthday. I am 65 the day. Purty spry fer an ould man, eh? " 'You don't look it,' says I. 'I wouldn't take you to be a day over 46.' " 'AH on account uv good habits,' says he. 'I feel foine on me birthday. Whot'U we hor this mornin' Rain or shnow?' "And I thought he was going to treat" Philadelphia Telegraph. The nuiiou and the Duke. Bishop O'Gorman is a Jovial clergyman whose clever repartee has become proverb ial. During his stay in Rome he was much Sought after and attended most of the big social functions. At a reception given by the Spanish ambassador he was entertain ing a few of his friends witli anecdotes, when a rabid anti-clerical member of the Roman aristocracy, renowned for ills wit, approached the group with the set purpose of rendering the American bishop ridicu lous. "I have Just heard a riddle." h- an nounced, "and I could not find a better audience, t'un your Grace tell mo the dif ference between a bishop and a donkey?" The bystanders were Indignant at the In sult, but not so the prelate, who thought for a' moment and then confessed that the riddle was btyond him. "Very simple, though," remarktd the nobleman, pointing to the cross that the monr.lgnor was wearing. "A bishop cantos his cross on his chest, while the donkey carries it on his back." Bishop O'Gorman was the only one to laugh, but he dirt it heartily. "Kxcellent!" he cried. "And now, can you tell me, Duke., the difference between a duke and a donkey ""' The nobleman wrinkled his brow and looked nonplufsied. "I really don't see It,' he finally ad- mltted. "No," promptly retorted the American, "nor do any one else." Then they nil laughed. New York Times. Not Wanted. George H. Daniels, general p.ssrnger agent of the New York Central rallrond, was on a trip south not long ago. He be came engaged In a discussion with a North Carolinian about the rapid advancement of the southern roads nnd the marked pro gress made In agricultural development und In every branch of mechaJilcal industry within the past few years. "All you want in this part of North Carollnn," snid Mr. Daniels, "is to Induce thrifty white fam ilies from the north to come and Fettle here." "Not much," said the old North Carolinian. "That would never do. Why, sir, we have more white men here now than the negroes can support." A True Criticism. George Dalton Morgan, who has brought from the Orient a Japanese bride, told the other day a story about the Japanese sea fighter, Admiral Uriu. "In Toklo" he said, "Admiral ITrlu Is regarded us a kind of Haroun al Rasclild. They declare there that he investigate! personally sometimes even In dlngut-e ev ery detull of the workings of the Japanese navy. Heneo muny odd adventures Lefuil htm. "Once Admiral Urlu got wind of cert iln complaints that had been made against the soup served on a torpedo boat in his squadron. He shot from his flagship in a launch one day at meal time und boarded tills torpedo boat Just as two sailors camo from tho kitchen carrying a huge and steaming caldron. "'Halt!' the admiral shouted, 'Set that caldron down,' "The sailors, with wondering looks, obeyed. ( " 'Now,' he said, 'bring me a spoon,' "An officer hurried forward. " 'Hut, admiral ' he began. " 'Never mind, sir. There's a complaint from this boat, and I'm going to settle it now,' wiid Admiral Uriu. ."He lifted the lid from the caldron, I idle 1 up u spoonful of its contents and, after blowing on the liquid, he swallowed it. Then he made a wry face. " 'You cull this soup ?' he exclaimed. 'Why, it Is nothing but dirty water." " 'Yes, sir,' said one of the sailors; 'we have just been scrubbing the galley floors.' " Scene In (lie "Amen Corner." When Messrs. Odell, plutt and Woodruff were sparring for posit Ion in tho "Amen Corner" photograph the other day the Benutor cried, "Get in here, Tim.' You've as much right ns 'Ben' Odell." After the picture had been secured the governor turned to the senator und said, "Piatt, that remark of yours about Woodruff's right to be in the group recalled to nie something I beard once under slightly different condi tions." "Give It a name," Interposed Woodruff, striking a match. "I had to visit a certain prison," resumed Odell, "und at tho gate I came to finally there stood n 'trusty.' He opened. I went through, nnd, as he closed the gate behind me, he said: " 'Governor Odell. One good turn de serves another. I let you In. Why don't you let me out?' "It was a pretty cool request, and I told him so. He must luive seen that I whs amused, though I tried to keep my counte nance, for he added, insinuatingly: " 'Governor, I'm no more deserving of being in here than you are.' " "Ha, ha, roared Plutt. "No wonder ha ranked its u 'trusty.' Ho wits a rare judgo of men." New York Mall. Won on m Technicality. Attorney Peyton, one of the most success ful lawyers practicing In the Mllce court, is alwuys dealing in tine legal distinctions nnd has won a number of cases licouuse of the technical points involved. One thing which he Is always particularly desirous of ascertaining is Just bow many drinks the complaining witness had before the trouble. A complaining witness wns recently on the stand, and tho usual question, "Now, how many drinks hud you taken?" was asked. "I had two beers in Dugan's," replied tho witness. "Next?" asked Peyton. "We had a couple of glasses of gin la Mulligan's." "Next?" "We had four short whiskies In Mack's." "Well, what did you have next?" asked Peyton. "Aw, a fight and dat nigger bounced dls brick oft inn bend," replied the witness. Mistaken Impression. Minister Carter of Honolulu was up at Rungeley lakes In Maine one summer with Senator FY ye on a fishing trip. He was introduced to tho senator's guide simply as "Minister Carter." They visited an ad joining camp ono evening nnd had a most enjoyable time with some good fellows. Mr. Curter being tho life of the parly, tell ing capital stories without end. Just as they were about to start back the guide, who hud been a dcllghled listener all eve ning rldled up to Benutor Frye und raid In a whisper: "Say, Mr. Frye ain't Mr. Car ter the damndest minister you ever saw? Where does he preach?" The Two Depewa. Since Mr. Dcpew's naive admission In tho senate chamber that there ure two Chaun cey lepewB one who says what he has considered carefully und another who la not so particular his colleagues have had lots of fun with him. ICvtn Mr. Hoar, who usually frowns down levity, has hud a whack at the New Yorker. Tho two met on Pennsylvania avenue. "Good morning, Mr. Hoar," saluted Mr. Depew. Gravely adjusting bis glasses and looking around, the Massachusetts statesman eyed the New York mun sternly und replied: "To which Depow uin I spcukingJckyll or Hyde?" Nerap of Forgotten History. Crossing the Hyduspes river, Alexander tho Great next encountered Porus, the In dian prince. After a stubborn fight ho subdued him and took him prisoner. "How do you wish to be treated?" ha asked him. "Like u king," replied Porus, with dig nity. "You disconcert me," rejoined Alexander, frowning. "1 had thought of using you for a plaster." Impressed with the Idea, Porus at onco became his ally and ntuck to him faithfully, thereafter. Chicago Tribune.