m mi.iiifii'ii mail wig uivfi'v
I about his uncle, an Irishman,
S I . .1.1 i.. v -i.i. rrk.
w in cuuucui; un n 1 11 ii-u, j 11';
first thing he did was to buy the
best pew In the church. "When
Sunday rolled around the Irishman walked
grandly down the aisle, carrying a silk hat .
and elegant overcoat. He found two
strange women occupying his pew. "Come
out," he said. Imperiously. The women
were very much shocked, and walked out,
their heads hanging In ehame. "Now, then,
ladles," the Irishman said, "oblige me by
walking back. I just wanted to Bhow you
Who owned this pew."
It Wm a Stunner.
The following conversation was ovcr
Iieard the other day between two small
street Arabs In I.ondon:
Bill I say, 'Array, where's Jlmes?
'Array Jlmes? 'Aven't yer 'card? Jlmca
Is dead.
"Jlmes dead! Wotever did 'e die of?"
"Well, it wos like this, yer see; Jlmes,
Went to a party, and Jimes 'e 'ad six
elplngs of meat, tlve 'elplngs of pudding
end three bottles of ginger pop, and wen
e went 'ome, why Jlmes Jlmes, 'e died."
"Ijor! Wot a 'eavlngly death!"
Short and Expressive.
One of the local public school teachers,
reports the Washington Star, insists that
lier pupils shall keep abreast of the times
by reading the newspapers every day, and
In order to learn If her directions are car
ried out Interrogates the members of the
class each morning the school is In session
regarding events of general Interest.
"What Is the name applied to the situa
tion when a man has more than two
Wives?" Inquired the teacher recently, hav
ing in mind the protests against Reed
Emoot being allowed to retain his seat in
the I'nlted States senate.
Nearly all the children present raised
their hands, each eager to reply.
"Polygamy," answered the child desig
nated. "Correct," commented the teacher, very
much pleased. "Now, who can tell me the
tiame applied when a man has two wives?"
The raiding of hands was not so general,
fcut the pupil called on was rewarded with
"That is right" when he replied: "Big
amy." "Now," added the teacher, "what Is the
name applied to the situation when a man
has only one wife?"
After a long pause a solitary hand was
hesitatingly raised.
"Well," suggested the teacher to the lone
volunteer, "tell tho class what Is the word
to which I refer."
"Monotony."
St. Peter "Showii the Judge.
Judge Spencer, general solicitor for the
Burlington road in Missouri, has a reputa
tion among railroad operators on Wall
street of being an ardent defender of Mis
souri, at all times. While a guest of the
Omaha club on a recent visit to the Ne
braska metropolis, friends who knew his
failing began to ridicule Missouri.
"I reckon I'll have to tell you fellows
ab.out a dream I had not long since," said
the Judge, finally. "I dreamed I went to
heaven, and that St. Peter showed me all
over the place. What surprised me most
was a group of men chained to the wall in
a prominent place.
" 'St. Peter.' I said, finally, 'I've been
looking at those fellows chained to the
Wall for a long time. It seems strange you
dam
9 ft
should have to chain men up In heaven.
I'd be obliged if you'd tell me the reason
for It.'
" 'Bless you.' answered St. Peter quickly,
'the reason Is plain enough. Those men
are from Missouri, and chaining is the only
way to prevent them from returning.' "
New York Times.
Didn't Like the Paasirord.
In rplte of its annoying features, an
amusing Incident occurred In connection
with a review of Pennsylvania state troops
by ex-Governor Pattison nnd General Guth
rie. The governor and adjutant general
bad been outside the lines one night, and
when they returned It was raining cats and
dogs. The sergeant halted them for the
countersign anil General Guthrie gave it,
"Chattanooga." The sergeant promptly
pronounced this wrong, and tho corporal
of the guard was called. lie, too pro
nounced "Chattanooga" Incorrect, in spite
of General Guthrie's assertion that ho gave
It out that evening. Then a lieutenant
was summoned,' and with tho same result.
All this time the rain was coming down In
torrents and the two dignitaries were thor
oughly drenched. Finally the officer of
the guard was produced, nnd General Guth
rie gave him "Chattanooga." "That was
tha countersign early In the evening, gen
eral, but I didn't like It and so substi
tuted 'Antletam' as being more euphoni
ous." The aesthetic young man sought for
euphony in the guardhouse for the rest of
that night. Pittsburg Dispatch.
A Green Hand.
President Hill of the Groat Northern tells
a Ftory Illustrative of the way In which
American workingmen cherish the stand
ards of their handicraft. He believes this
seal In upholding ideals of what constitutes
good work permeates all classes.
With one of the section gangs of the
Great Northern a raw recruit was set to
work cutting weeds and cleaning up the
right-of-way. The man worked hard, but,
of course, was subjected to critical atten
tion on the part of the rest of the gang.
The division superintendent happening
that way, talked to the foreman.
"Pat. how's the new man?" was asked.
"Oh, he's all rolght on straight worruk,"
was the reply, "but when It comes to trim
mln' up 'round a tilegraph pole he ain't in
It, at all, at all." Philadelphia Post.
Chanee Not to lie Overlooked.
Senator Cullom has this story to tell of
two young friends of his living In Chicago
who began their respective careers as phy
sician and lawyer at the same time.
One day the youthful doctor rushed Into
the room he shared with his lawyer friend
and exclaimed:
"Congratulate me, old man! At last I
have a patient! On my way to see him
nowl"
"Delighted to hear it. old chap!" replied
the other, enthusiastically. Then, after a
pause, he slyly added:
"Let me go with you. Perhaps he hasn't
made his will.'" New York Times.
The Preacher's Treat.
A Coffey ville minister, who Is an enthu
siast with rod and gun, went down to Cho
teau lake the other day.
"Hey, there!" ho called to the man who
had a lease on the premises, "do you care
If I shoot a little on the lake?"
The native spat vigorously, sized the
parson up, and said:
"Well. I alius treats them right what
treats mo right."
A
ion
A
"Well, that's a good policy and ought
to win," approved the divine. "I would
certainly not abuse any privileges extended
to me."
"All right." responded the farmer. "Got
anything to drink?" Coffey ville (Kan.)
Journal.
Natural Inference.
Miss Gladys Deacon, the American girl
whose originality keeps her in the put He
eye, nmur.rd a scientist whom she met re
cently nt a London dinner party.
The Fc lrnt!.ot narrated In great detail to
the girl a series of experiments he was
conducting with the microphone.
"Tho microphone," ho explained, "mag
nifies sounds to the ear as the microscope
magnifies objects to tho eye. The footfall
of a centipede, heard through the micro
phone, resembles a tattoo on a kettledrum.
The dropping of a pin is like tho report of
a cannon."
"Thnt Is very Interesting and odd," nld
Miss Deacon.
"This afternoon." resumed the scientist,
"I caught a fly nnd studied Its nole. The
note rcs-cmbled the neighing of a horse."
"Perhaps." said the young girl, "It was a
horsefly." Boston Post.
One Look Snfltelent.
The other day when Charles Renner was
on trial In the criminal court at St. Joseph,
Mo., for highway robbery. Grant Ijw
horn, a bartender, was called to tho wit
ness stand. "Did you hnve.a revolver on
you that night?" asked A. W. Brewster,
one of Refiner's attorneys. "I did," an
swered I.awhorn. "Where is it now?"
"I still havo it." "Well, where Is It?"
persisted the lawyer. "Well," replied tho
witness, hesitatingly, "I've got It here,"
and he reached down Into his hip pocket
and drew forth n pistol that looked to
the court and spectators a yard long, and
held It toward the lawyer. "Here, here,"
yelled Judge Cnsftrll, perceptibly sliding
down the chair, while Brewster ducked;
"put that thing up. Mr. Sheriff, for
heaven's sake take that weapon." The
curiosity of the attorney for tho defense
was entirely satisfied.
Extending; a Welcome.
"Tom Turner and I boarded at the same
shack In a raw western camp one winter."
said 8enntor Clark the other day. "We
paid a big price and got mighty little for
our money. One day Tom came home with,
two or three fingers (lengthwise) of liquid
courage under his vest, and said some
thing about the money the landlady musl
be making out of us.
" 'Why, Mr. Turner,' said she. Indig
nantly, 'I am barely keeping the wolf
from the door.'
" 'Well,' Tom responded recklessly, 'if
that's what you're trying to do. Just open
th- door and invite him in to dinner once.
I'll bet he'll never come within four miles
of the place again.' "Brooklyn Eagle.
A Soothing; Interrogation.
Senator Bailey of Texas Is responsible
for this story, which Is going the rounds of
the railroad offices down town:
Not very long ago an ex-member of the
Texas railroad commission was visited by
a representative of a certain railroad cor.
poratlon which wanted the support of the
commission In the matter of certain fran
chises and land grants then in the courts.
"And I shall be glad to let you have, say,
I, COO shares of stock, if all goes well," said
the visitor in conclusion.
The commissioner was Indignant. "That,
suh," said he, "is an insult. It Is an Insult,
M
lam
suh, that you shall pay denrly for. I want
you to understand,, suh, thnt 1 am not to
be bought. You shall pay for that word,
suh!"
"How much?" said tho visitor coolly.
The commissioner pHilsed. The question
took him unawares. Then n smile came
over his face, and he answered: "Well,
suh, I rnn't say Just exactly how much,
but If you tell me what the stock Is worth,
suh. It might help me to find out!"
And history says the franchises arc now
"O. K." New York Times.
He lounil the Trouble.
In an address that ho recently delivered
on the labor question, W. Bouiko Cockt'an
told a story of his boyhood.
"1 was bom In Inland," he said, "nnd in
Ireland I obtained a part of my education.
I remember well the school I attended, end
1 remember well a school fellow of mine
named Mlihail, a lad who was always
talking about trouble und always look'ng
for It. We uro on tho question of troub'
now, and therefore In Michael's experience
It may be that there Is something to profit
us.
Michael boasted constantly that the
master was nfrald to flog him. Why? Oh,
because his father had 'said that if a hnnd
was ever laid upon the boy there would
bo trouble. But one day Michael ml be
haved, aid tho flogging duo was not long
In coming.
"The boy went home Indescribably en
raged. He sought out his father.
" 'Father,' he said, 'didn't you say that If
the schoolmaster ever licked mo thera
would be troublo?'
" '1 did,' tlie father answered.
" "Well, I wm licked today, and only for
throwing paper pellets about the room.'
"Tho father frowned.
" 'I never fall, my son, to keep a prom'se,'
he said. 'There Is going to be trouble.
Fetch the strup.' "-New York Tribune.
DInleet.
At nn army is.st less than a thousand
miles from Governors Island there Is a
non-commissioned officer of German birth
whose wife is of even more pronounced
German hpeech than he. Enjoying her
privilege of trading at the post excharge,
this lady called for talcum powder.
"Oh, yes," made answer the attentive
attendant. "Mennen's?"
"Neln. Vlmmen's." New York Time.
Elopers Outwitted.
With the supposed form of his sweetheart
in his arms, Eddie C. Rowerly, a Balti
more & Ohio railroad telegraph operator
at Farmlngton, O., descended a ten-foot
ladder from a window at the home of
James Hagerty. When terra flrma waa
reached instead of a lover s kiss he faced
a loaded revolver In tho hands of an Irate
father.
In company with Miss Dayton young
Rowerly cautiously proceeded to the Hag
erty residence, and Miss Dayton placed a
ladder to the girl s window. Young Row
erly mounted to the window, and taking
the form heavily wrapped In a cloa
started to descend the ladder. The pros
pective groom was radiantly happy for
only a short period.
As they reached the ground the cloak waa
thrown e.ff and the father of the girl with
pistol In hand, stood bef.re the frightened
lover, who took to his heels with his com
panion, and nothing has since been heard
of tho pair. Hagerty had been apprised
of the scheme, and succeeded In outwlttlnsi
the plans of the lovers.