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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Jan. 3, 1904)
m mi.iiifii'ii mail wig uivfi'v I about his uncle, an Irishman, S I . .1.1 i.. v -i.i. rrk. w in cuuucui; un n 1 11 ii-u, j 11'; first thing he did was to buy the best pew In the church. "When Sunday rolled around the Irishman walked grandly down the aisle, carrying a silk hat . and elegant overcoat. He found two strange women occupying his pew. "Come out," he said. Imperiously. The women were very much shocked, and walked out, their heads hanging In ehame. "Now, then, ladles," the Irishman said, "oblige me by walking back. I just wanted to Bhow you Who owned this pew." It Wm a Stunner. The following conversation was ovcr Iieard the other day between two small street Arabs In I.ondon: Bill I say, 'Array, where's Jlmes? 'Array Jlmes? 'Aven't yer 'card? Jlmca Is dead. "Jlmes dead! Wotever did 'e die of?" "Well, it wos like this, yer see; Jlmes, Went to a party, and Jimes 'e 'ad six elplngs of meat, tlve 'elplngs of pudding end three bottles of ginger pop, and wen e went 'ome, why Jlmes Jlmes, 'e died." "Ijor! Wot a 'eavlngly death!" Short and Expressive. One of the local public school teachers, reports the Washington Star, insists that lier pupils shall keep abreast of the times by reading the newspapers every day, and In order to learn If her directions are car ried out Interrogates the members of the class each morning the school is In session regarding events of general Interest. "What Is the name applied to the situa tion when a man has more than two Wives?" Inquired the teacher recently, hav ing in mind the protests against Reed Emoot being allowed to retain his seat in the I'nlted States senate. Nearly all the children present raised their hands, each eager to reply. "Polygamy," answered the child desig nated. "Correct," commented the teacher, very much pleased. "Now, who can tell me the tiame applied when a man has two wives?" The raiding of hands was not so general, fcut the pupil called on was rewarded with "That is right" when he replied: "Big amy." "Now," added the teacher, "what Is the name applied to the situation when a man has only one wife?" After a long pause a solitary hand was hesitatingly raised. "Well," suggested the teacher to the lone volunteer, "tell tho class what Is the word to which I refer." "Monotony." St. Peter "Showii the Judge. Judge Spencer, general solicitor for the Burlington road in Missouri, has a reputa tion among railroad operators on Wall street of being an ardent defender of Mis souri, at all times. While a guest of the Omaha club on a recent visit to the Ne braska metropolis, friends who knew his failing began to ridicule Missouri. "I reckon I'll have to tell you fellows ab.out a dream I had not long since," said the Judge, finally. "I dreamed I went to heaven, and that St. Peter showed me all over the place. What surprised me most was a group of men chained to the wall in a prominent place. " 'St. Peter.' I said, finally, 'I've been looking at those fellows chained to the Wall for a long time. It seems strange you dam 9 ft should have to chain men up In heaven. I'd be obliged if you'd tell me the reason for It.' " 'Bless you.' answered St. Peter quickly, 'the reason Is plain enough. Those men are from Missouri, and chaining is the only way to prevent them from returning.' " New York Times. Didn't Like the Paasirord. In rplte of its annoying features, an amusing Incident occurred In connection with a review of Pennsylvania state troops by ex-Governor Pattison nnd General Guth rie. The governor and adjutant general bad been outside the lines one night, and when they returned It was raining cats and dogs. The sergeant halted them for the countersign anil General Guthrie gave it, "Chattanooga." The sergeant promptly pronounced this wrong, and tho corporal of the guard was called. lie, too pro nounced "Chattanooga" Incorrect, in spite of General Guthrie's assertion that ho gave It out that evening. Then a lieutenant was summoned,' and with tho same result. All this time the rain was coming down In torrents and the two dignitaries were thor oughly drenched. Finally the officer of the guard was produced, nnd General Guth rie gave him "Chattanooga." "That was tha countersign early In the evening, gen eral, but I didn't like It and so substi tuted 'Antletam' as being more euphoni ous." The aesthetic young man sought for euphony in the guardhouse for the rest of that night. Pittsburg Dispatch. A Green Hand. President Hill of the Groat Northern tells a Ftory Illustrative of the way In which American workingmen cherish the stand ards of their handicraft. He believes this seal In upholding ideals of what constitutes good work permeates all classes. With one of the section gangs of the Great Northern a raw recruit was set to work cutting weeds and cleaning up the right-of-way. The man worked hard, but, of course, was subjected to critical atten tion on the part of the rest of the gang. The division superintendent happening that way, talked to the foreman. "Pat. how's the new man?" was asked. "Oh, he's all rolght on straight worruk," was the reply, "but when It comes to trim mln' up 'round a tilegraph pole he ain't in It, at all, at all." Philadelphia Post. Chanee Not to lie Overlooked. Senator Cullom has this story to tell of two young friends of his living In Chicago who began their respective careers as phy sician and lawyer at the same time. One day the youthful doctor rushed Into the room he shared with his lawyer friend and exclaimed: "Congratulate me, old man! At last I have a patient! On my way to see him nowl" "Delighted to hear it. old chap!" replied the other, enthusiastically. Then, after a pause, he slyly added: "Let me go with you. Perhaps he hasn't made his will.'" New York Times. The Preacher's Treat. A Coffey ville minister, who Is an enthu siast with rod and gun, went down to Cho teau lake the other day. "Hey, there!" ho called to the man who had a lease on the premises, "do you care If I shoot a little on the lake?" The native spat vigorously, sized the parson up, and said: "Well. I alius treats them right what treats mo right." A ion A "Well, that's a good policy and ought to win," approved the divine. "I would certainly not abuse any privileges extended to me." "All right." responded the farmer. "Got anything to drink?" Coffey ville (Kan.) Journal. Natural Inference. Miss Gladys Deacon, the American girl whose originality keeps her in the put He eye, nmur.rd a scientist whom she met re cently nt a London dinner party. The Fc lrnt!.ot narrated In great detail to the girl a series of experiments he was conducting with the microphone. "Tho microphone," ho explained, "mag nifies sounds to the ear as the microscope magnifies objects to tho eye. The footfall of a centipede, heard through the micro phone, resembles a tattoo on a kettledrum. The dropping of a pin is like tho report of a cannon." "Thnt Is very Interesting and odd," nld Miss Deacon. "This afternoon." resumed the scientist, "I caught a fly nnd studied Its nole. The note rcs-cmbled the neighing of a horse." "Perhaps." said the young girl, "It was a horsefly." Boston Post. One Look Snfltelent. The other day when Charles Renner was on trial In the criminal court at St. Joseph, Mo., for highway robbery. Grant Ijw horn, a bartender, was called to tho wit ness stand. "Did you hnve.a revolver on you that night?" asked A. W. Brewster, one of Refiner's attorneys. "I did," an swered I.awhorn. "Where is it now?" "I still havo it." "Well, where Is It?" persisted the lawyer. "Well," replied tho witness, hesitatingly, "I've got It here," and he reached down Into his hip pocket and drew forth n pistol that looked to the court and spectators a yard long, and held It toward the lawyer. "Here, here," yelled Judge Cnsftrll, perceptibly sliding down the chair, while Brewster ducked; "put that thing up. Mr. Sheriff, for heaven's sake take that weapon." The curiosity of the attorney for tho defense was entirely satisfied. Extending; a Welcome. "Tom Turner and I boarded at the same shack In a raw western camp one winter." said 8enntor Clark the other day. "We paid a big price and got mighty little for our money. One day Tom came home with, two or three fingers (lengthwise) of liquid courage under his vest, and said some thing about the money the landlady musl be making out of us. " 'Why, Mr. Turner,' said she. Indig nantly, 'I am barely keeping the wolf from the door.' " 'Well,' Tom responded recklessly, 'if that's what you're trying to do. Just open th- door and invite him in to dinner once. I'll bet he'll never come within four miles of the place again.' "Brooklyn Eagle. A Soothing; Interrogation. Senator Bailey of Texas Is responsible for this story, which Is going the rounds of the railroad offices down town: Not very long ago an ex-member of the Texas railroad commission was visited by a representative of a certain railroad cor. poratlon which wanted the support of the commission In the matter of certain fran chises and land grants then in the courts. "And I shall be glad to let you have, say, I, COO shares of stock, if all goes well," said the visitor in conclusion. The commissioner was Indignant. "That, suh," said he, "is an insult. It Is an Insult, M lam suh, that you shall pay denrly for. I want you to understand,, suh, thnt 1 am not to be bought. You shall pay for that word, suh!" "How much?" said tho visitor coolly. The commissioner pHilsed. The question took him unawares. Then n smile came over his face, and he answered: "Well, suh, I rnn't say Just exactly how much, but If you tell me what the stock Is worth, suh. It might help me to find out!" And history says the franchises arc now "O. K." New York Times. He lounil the Trouble. In an address that ho recently delivered on the labor question, W. Bouiko Cockt'an told a story of his boyhood. "1 was bom In Inland," he said, "nnd in Ireland I obtained a part of my education. I remember well the school I attended, end 1 remember well a school fellow of mine named Mlihail, a lad who was always talking about trouble und always look'ng for It. We uro on tho question of troub' now, and therefore In Michael's experience It may be that there Is something to profit us. Michael boasted constantly that the master was nfrald to flog him. Why? Oh, because his father had 'said that if a hnnd was ever laid upon the boy there would bo trouble. But one day Michael ml be haved, aid tho flogging duo was not long In coming. "The boy went home Indescribably en raged. He sought out his father. " 'Father,' he said, 'didn't you say that If the schoolmaster ever licked mo thera would be troublo?' " '1 did,' tlie father answered. " "Well, I wm licked today, and only for throwing paper pellets about the room.' "Tho father frowned. " 'I never fall, my son, to keep a prom'se,' he said. 'There Is going to be trouble. Fetch the strup.' "-New York Tribune. DInleet. At nn army is.st less than a thousand miles from Governors Island there Is a non-commissioned officer of German birth whose wife is of even more pronounced German hpeech than he. Enjoying her privilege of trading at the post excharge, this lady called for talcum powder. "Oh, yes," made answer the attentive attendant. "Mennen's?" "Neln. Vlmmen's." New York Time. Elopers Outwitted. With the supposed form of his sweetheart in his arms, Eddie C. Rowerly, a Balti more & Ohio railroad telegraph operator at Farmlngton, O., descended a ten-foot ladder from a window at the home of James Hagerty. When terra flrma waa reached instead of a lover s kiss he faced a loaded revolver In tho hands of an Irate father. In company with Miss Dayton young Rowerly cautiously proceeded to the Hag erty residence, and Miss Dayton placed a ladder to the girl s window. Young Row erly mounted to the window, and taking the form heavily wrapped In a cloa started to descend the ladder. The pros pective groom was radiantly happy for only a short period. As they reached the ground the cloak waa thrown e.ff and the father of the girl with pistol In hand, stood bef.re the frightened lover, who took to his heels with his com panion, and nothing has since been heard of tho pair. Hagerty had been apprised of the scheme, and succeeded In outwlttlnsi the plans of the lovers.