3
TUB OMAHA DATLT H1TE: B A TUT DAY, OCTOBETt 17, 190.T
11
UNCLE JIM'S POSTHUMOUS JOKE
A Short 5torjr By Crittenden Harriott,
rr?i TT
'0pyr!ght, 1IWS. by Crittenden Marriott)
'' rhen th lawyer had finished I looked
at him In utter desperation. "Mr. Mason."
I explained, almost crying, "do you
mean to tell me that Uncle Jlm'a
money will all go to a set of alley eata un
less I marry a man I never saw In my life
-a man who, according to all account, U
' one of the most repulsively ugly creature
that ever existed V
Mr, Mason looked distinctly sympathetic
"I'm afraid that Is the state of the case,
Mtaa Williams," he answered. "Tour uncle
Insisted on leaving It In that way and In
structed me to tell you. If you protested
end he seemed tolerably certain that you
would protest that beauty waa only skin"
' "It'e monstrwal Uorrlblel It's carrying
a Joke too far!"
"A Joke I" the lawyer repeated feebly. "I
ehoidn't exactly call It"
"lOats what It Is a posthumous fokel
I kriiw Uncle Jim would get even with m
In some way, but I never dreamed he would
do anything as cruel as this. It waa posi
tively wicked of him when he knew how
much mother and I would need the money."
But perhaps I had better explain. Every
man has his own fancy, I suppose, and
Uncle Jim's waa for practical Joking. To
ay that Uncle Jim would rather Joke than
eat la to put the thing too mildly, since he
had Invented and worked out this last al
leged Joke on hla deathbed. He owed me
one In return for a trick I bad played on
hlra some months before. Uncle Jim al
ways made a point of paying such, debts.
Usually with Interest.
I waa on the watch for hla revenge for a
long time, but forgot all about It one day
when the dear old fellow waa brought home
knocked down by a runaway horse, and ao
hurt that he died a week later. Mother
and I took his fate a great deal harder
than he did. In fact, he made, or, at least,
pretended to make, a Jest of it, telling me
over and over again that the only thing he
regretted was that he couldn't live long
enough to get even with me. At the very
last he glanced at me with a twinkle in his
eye. "Too bad I couldn't get even with
you, Bessie," he said.
When his will waa read I understood the
twinkle, lie had left ail his fortune In
trust, the Income to be t rlded between me
and my first cousin, Flil Stacy, for -three
years, and the principal to come to ua at the
end of that time, provided we married each
other In the interval. If either married
anyone else or definitely refused to marry
the other, the entire fortune waa to veat
.In the other. We were to apend the month
of Juno each summer at a certain watering
place In order to get acquainted with each
other. If either of us stayed away, the
money waa to revert to the on who came,
, unless the meeting waa waived by written
agreement. If the three years ended with
out oVr marrying, the money waa to go to
a home for friendless cats.
1 Now, neither the fitacy nor the Williams
family waa especially well to do. A fortune
of $600,000 waa not to be despised, and our
family as well a our Stacy cousins would
haaitat for some time before giving it up;
yet what girl could or would rejoice In be
ing deliberately told off to marry a man
whom she had never seen, especially one a
repulsively homely aa Uncle Jim who waa
the only one of us who had even seen our
Missouri cousin haa told aa that Philip
Stacy waa.
' Philip Stacy ha a heart of gold." said
j unuv tfiui stn iuiu acain, A. imn 01
auto, vufc imvm mm ugiy ma uuh ox ui aevu
himself. However, you don't mind that
when you know him.1 Thinking of this
afterward. I felt sure that Uncle Jim waa
( trying to prevent the ahock ha knew that I,
' "with my ideals of manly beauty, must ex
perience when I should meet my cousin.
If this was hla hope, however, it waa not
realised for a long time, for It was nearly
three years before either ot us laid eyes on
the other.
This postponement of the Inevitable came
about very naturally. Philip was very 111
Juat at the time of Unci Jlm'a death or
I suppose he would have com on Cor the
funeral. When he recovered, he stayed
away on purpose. I suppose he didn't relish
having a girl pitched at his head any
more than I liked having a man thrown at
mine. Six months later, when June came
along and our first set meeting waa to
take place, I wrote to him, according to
the terms of Uncle Jlm'a will, and asked
his consent to postpone the meeting for
on year. Aa an Incentive to this
course of action, I enclosed a picture of
my best friend, Nell Jones, who, though
the dearest, sweetest girl In the world,
waa not well, not exactly beautiful. Of
course, I dldnt say that the picture was
of me; If Philip Inferred as much. It surely
wasn't my fault. 1
j It seemed, however, that he did not
need any deterrent, aa ha unt . mkIv
AfWith a quick delivery stamp, agreeing with
as imiy arm enclosing in portrait Of the
tvary ugliest man I ever saw. I took it to
J 'another in horror. "Really, mother," I
! Wald, "there is no us waiting any longer.
L I simply cannot marry a man who looks
lik that, no matter how many golden
I heart h may have. Tou must writ and
break off the match definitely."
But mother hesitated. "There's no use in
being in a hurry, Bessie,' she said. "The
, property must remain as it is until the
three years are up, anyhow. Bo don't be
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precipitate. Tou aren't In lov with any
one else, are your'
"Certainly not," I answered, truthfully.
"Then let thing rest for awhile.'
I yielded, of course, and possessed my
soul in patlenc for another year. Then,
as June drew near one more, I chanced
to see In the paper on day an account of
an accident to a namesake of mine, by
which her face was badly scarred. This
wasn't at all surprising, of course, as there
are plenty named Beasl Williams In the
world, but It put an Idea Into my head.
I clipped it out and enclosed it to Cousin
Philip, asking for a fresh postponement of
our meeting time. I didn't say that the
accident had happened to me, but of
course the Inference waa plain enough.
However, it turned out that I needn't have
fibbed, for scarcely had I dropped my mis
sive In the mall when I received a letter
from Philip, written the day before mine,
telling me that he had been ill with small
pox. He added that it was hoped that he
would not be much scarred, but that he
wa still weak and would b glad to post
pone our meeting for another year. I could
imagine hi appearance after having a
Choice assortment of pockmark added to
hla already horribly ugly features for ot
course I underatood what hla optimistic
remark about not being much scarred must
mean. So I lost bo time In writing again
and gladly accepting the proposed delay.
But finally th last June of all drew near
the Jun when we must meet and decide
to marry or lose both income and principal
of $500,000. Mother and I would be sadly
pinched without this money, and I couldn't
help letting my thoughts wander to my
distant cousin nor refrain from wondering
whether he might be possible after all
to , I ended by writing to ask him
whether there was not sum way In which
w might arrange to divide the money and
cheat th friendless cat, without having
to take each other for better or worse.
In reply Cousin Philip wrote that he was
sorry to say that he could see none. "I
appreciate your feeling perfectly," he con
cluded, "at being obliged to marry some
body you never saw. I feel the same my
self, though, of course, in a less degree,
being a man. But I don't want to give up
this money any more than I suppose you
do. Why not let us meet, without preju
dice, as th lawyers say? It's Just possible
that w might fall desperately In lov with
each other at first sight In that event
everything would b all right If w don't,
there will be no harm done, and anyway. If
w decline to become lovers, we may at
least become friends.'
There wa something oold-bloodsd about
this, but there waa something sensible
about It, too. The more I thought ot It,
th more I liked the Idea, Bo at last I
wrot that I should spend Jun at th
plac designated in the will and should
hope to meet him there.
But as th Urn drew near I could not
make up my mind to go to be Inspected
Ilk an animal for sale. Finally,' when Just
about to throw up th whole thing, a bril
liant idea struck me at least, I considered
it brilliant then. I would take my friend
Nell Jones along with me and would change
identles with htr. She should be Bessie
Williams and I Nell Jones, Then. If I
found Philip Impossible, I could easily get
away. v
Bo did X. We went to th springs, and
as mother wrot bar nam and mine and
Nell's on th register, we saw th names
of Philip fitacy and Frank Thomas, both
of Bt Louis, written Just above them In
the handwriting I had grown to known
ao well. "Philip's got a friend with him,
too," said mother, meditatively. "Tou both
evidently need soma on to help you
through."
We met, of course, almost at onoe, and,
trang to say, w all became very chum
my. Nell was always ready tor fun and I
feeling entirely at ease In my assumed
character, could afford to be as Jolly as
any one. Bo, In spit of th fact that
Cousin Philip wa undoubtedly the ugliest
man living, w got on famously together
for two week.
Of course, w soon paired off. Philip
had to be especially nice to Nell whom he
supposed to b m and Nell, acting for
me, bad to be specially nice to Philip.
This- left me the real me to Philip s
friend, a big, broad, six-footer, aa hand
some as poor Philip waa ugly.
Aa I said, for two weeks w got on
famously. Then th situation became
strained. Th fact wa I can confess it
now Cupid began shooting blindly and hit
everyone of us. I had found that Philip's
heart was really golden, but, all the same.
I couldn't quite make up my mind to his
other qualities. Besides I found my fancy
straying altogether too persistent to his
friend. Frank Thomas. Nell, on the other
hand, seemed to appreciate golden hearts
at their full value, and Philip, truth to
tell, seemed mightily taken with her.
Under the circumstances, however, she
could not but feel certain that he was
thinking more of Uncle Jim's fortune than
he waa of th real Nell, and. of course,
she didn't want to be courted under false
pretenses.
Philip, too, was acting In th strangest
way. II was in lov with Nell, really
and truly in love I waa sure of It yet he
seemed to hesltat to let her know it
Actually, th man would Join me when I
knew he wa lonplng to Join Nell. I
hoped that h could understand his own
reasons for feeling this way; I'm sure I
couldn't Anyway, he and Nell managed
to make each other tolerably miserable,
each anxious to go forward, but hanging
back.
Mr. Thomas also seemed miserable. He
would look from Nell to me, and from me
to Nell In the most desperate way, entirely
Inexplicable by any knowledge in my pos
session. I believed that he waa fond of ma,
but every now and then he would seem to
feel it his duty to make desperate love to
Nell, who finally made up her mind that it
was her duty to meet him half way and
leave the field free for me with Philip.
Oh! we made ourselves sufficiently miser
able for a week or so that June.
At last, Mr. Thomas brought things to a
crisis. One day he turned desperately on
me. "Miss Jones," he said, resolutely, "I
am a poor man dead poor but I love you
with all my heart Will you be my wife?"
For a moment my breath ws taken ut
terly away. Then I turned on him, saying
good-by to Uncle Jim's fortune as I did so.
"Mr. Thomas," I repl.ed. In much the same
tones as his. "I am a poor girl dead poor
but I will."
The printer can put In a row of stars
here, for 1 intend to draw a veil over the
events that followed next lis easier to
do thla anyway, for I never could tell a
love story properly. After a while, we ent
back to th hotel to Join the others, and
found them Juat a tar ting to find us. Both
of them looked utterly woe-begone. In
marked contrast to our happy lace
although I wa a llttl disturb! ever the
necesa.ty of 'feulng up.
"Nell made this easy for me, however.
She always was sharp-eyed, and she
guessed how things stood In a moment
"Why. Bessie." she cried, excitedly, call
ing me by my real name Instead of my
assumed one, "do you mean'
"Yes, I do, Nell, you dear, yen. I have
we have"
"Tea." chimed la Frank. "Congratulate
me, old man, I've won th a wee teat hang
the fortune."
Then FhiUp became tremendously excited
all of a sudden. "Then then," he cried.
"I'B free to ayeeaW 4 . , .
mm
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fUl
to
1X38
"Of course."
"Then. Miss Williams Bessle,"h cried,
turning- on Nell. "I have deceived you. I
am not Philip Stacy at all; I am really
Frank Thomas, and Thomas there I th
real Stacy; but I love you with all my
heart; will you marry me?"
As I said, Nell was quick-witted. Her
face lit up with a glorified smile, "And I
am not Bessie Williams, either," she cried.
"I am really Nell Jones; there is the real
Bessie; and I will marry you with all my
heart."
Frank and I looked at each other no, I
mean the real Philip and I looked at each
other. "Why!" I gasped. In a low tone
that the real Frank could not hear; "why,
you can't be Philip Btacy. Uncle Jim told
me he was hideous."
Philip started. "Uncle Jlmr he cried.
"Why, It was he who told me that you
were homely as a mud fence with a heart
of gold, but-"
For a moment we stared at each other.
Then almost together we ejaculated, dis
gustedly: "Sold."
I telegraphed th new to our lawyer and
received the following reply;
"Dear Miss Williams: I congratulate you
and Mr. Stacy on your engagement, which
I do not doubt was entirely a matter of
true affection. Before anything becomes
Irrevocable, however, I feel It my duty to
UU you a secret that ha been carefully
kept from you all these years. Tour Uncle
Jim's will contained a codicil referring to a
certain sealed paper which he provided Was
to be opened at the end of tore years. The
court, however, refused -to permit so im
portant a document to remain sealed and tt
was opened forthwith and spread upon the
records, where you or anyone els could
have seen it at any time If you had cared
to look. It changes the will as you know
it in one respect only. It throws out the
friendless cats and divide th fortune
equally bet wees you and your cousin at th
end of three year whether you marry or
not. I felt It my duty to remain silent all
this time, but now I must speak out
"Tour very truly, HENRY MASON.
When I read this I knew at last what I
had never been able to understand before
how Uncle Jim could have bee willing to
rUk disinheriting his own kin aa be would
have don under the first version of the will
If Philip and I hadn't found our affinities
La eaoh other - -
JV
BARRIOS DIAMONDS
l a' &
jvJ
FAMILY PROBLEM IN ARMY
Philippine Service Seriom Proposition for
Married Officer.
MUCH MOVING ABOUT SINCE THE WAR
Objection to TaklasT Wives ss Chll-tre-a
to th Orient Also to,
Leaving Them at Home Baby's
Trip Aroand th World.
Traveling to the Philippines has now be
come quite a part of the life of an army
officer. Under the present plan of giving
a reslmeni two years In the archipelago
and four years In the States, the average
officer will make about seven trips to th
Philippines in th course of an army
career, between graduation at West Point
and retirement on reaching the age of M.
This stage In our Insular policy has not
found the plac in contemporary records
that its importance warrants. Thus the
deck of every transport furnishes' a picture
of uprooting. There are baby carriages
and nurses, nursing bottles and dolls In
abundance. .
One little fellow, 20 months old, who went
out on a recent trip of Sheridan, first saw
the light In Jolo, where a whit baby
proved a great curiosity. He went back
to the land of his fathera by th Sues
route, and now, still short of ths age of
2, Is completing bis tour of the glob.
The little lad I destined to make these
trip back and forth many time with th
fortune of th army. It is th sam with
other children of th service.
fhall th officer leave their families at
home for the period of Philippine service,
as th navy people ars obliged to do when
they go away from borne, or shall their
families share the hardships and adven
tures of the Journey T The domestlo prob
lem which this question raises Is often
serioua '
Better O at Hs-sao.
"I hear msn say." wrote back an experi
enced Philippine campaigner of middle life
to friends in th city, "that they think too
mucn r their families to leave them at
I Oealr to say that J, thin too
uj
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All other imitations are made of chemicals,
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Barrios Diamonds bare nerer before
been sold in your city. Any one who may
hare sold you imitation diamonds as Barrios
has grossly deceived and cheated you,
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much of my family to bring them with
me."
Sometime a family gats out there to
find Its head assigned to ao disagreeable
a place that the wife and children have
to be left to exist by themselves In Manila,
and there it Is often about as hard to reach
them as if they were In the States. If any
thing happens to an officer his family la
10,000 mtlea from home and bom convolu
tions. Houses are scare in Manila. Every
thing that civilised people want la high.
Some men aay they cannot afford to leave
their families at home, thus dividing their
salary between two establishments; but
the offloer already quoted wrote that he
could not afford to take his family with
him.
The women on board a transport discus
little else, according to reports, than the
prospects of life in the Philippine. On
of th stock conundrums ot ths transport
la thla:
"Which looks better: Manila over th
stern, or Ban Francisco over the bowt"
There is a kind of fatalism inbred In
army service, and this in a measure per
vade wives and famine aa expressed In
the saying," "We like to go wherever we
are sent," but back and behind all this ths
human element comes Into view, on close
acquaintance, with Its .fondness for th
fatherland.
There are as many answers to th do
mestic question which each order to th
Philippines Involves as . there are family
conditions. The small baby unually holds
th family back in th States. Manila
offer only condensed milk.
School ag children prove another strong
argument for having the family home
retained In America. Bom wive, how
aver, go out with their husbands. Intending
to return a little earlier than the men are
able, while many officer who now go out
alone expect their families to Join them
later
Mack MevlssT Isest
Th regular army officer iearna to rive,
and to lke to live. In places that the gen
erality f people at similar cultur would
not consider desirable. His Uf at horn
la a preparation for Philippine experiences
such as few Americana ever get
Bom officer boast of furniture and per
sonal effect stared la nearly every army
poet from th Missouri river to the Presidio,
a&4 ftooa tola western limit will be ex
tuj II lu u 11
1
' sps-
.' m "Vsiummi mm ill! mniiniiini n i
- "
o
9
tnev
n n
tended to th 20th meridian east of Green
wich. Their heavier woolens ' need
protection against enemies Jn auch a range
of temperature more versatile , than the
familiar moth miller of the Atlantlo coast
Moving becomes th regular experience
of th army family, and ita children need
little school-book Instruction in geography,
political or physical Before the Spanish
war the terms of service at different posts
were relatively long, but the change of tha
last few yeara have been rapid and up
setting. "W have lived. In the last three yesr.
in as many poets." is th mournful com
ment of the army wife, as she relate, th
successive changes which the vicissitudes
of the aervlce have brought to pass.
Prudent husbands tell of the enormous
cost of moving, and the Inadequacy of the
government's allowance in mileage and
freight Officers of the regiment which
was stationed for fourteen years at Van
couver barracks, before the Spanish war.
relate that they have lived la five places
since their return from th Philippines,
two snd a half years ago. Benjamin
Franklin said that three move were as
bad as a Are. New York Sun.
'PHONE GIRLS CATCHING ON
arprls Their Callers Ty Gradually
Drift la a fro "Oaght" to
'acht.
Th telephone girl Is progressive. For
years and years In repeating a number
which had a sero Included she would al
ways call It "ought" For instance. If a
subscriber called for "twenty-four thirty."
th telephone girl would repeat "Two-four-three-ought."
When some subscriber had
a little feeling of compassion for the king's
English, which was being so cruelly mur
dered right before his ears, would gently
object and say. "Two-four-three-naught,"
th girl would again repeat, "ought" and
tell th subscriber to 'look in the diction
ary." But th world moves. Th "naught"
is commencing to be realized in the most
exclusive telephone circle. It could not
b expected that the telephone girl would
surrender all at onoe. She has fought that
"ought" too ion a to dron It
and thus confess that she haa boen wrong!
bo, wniie ah cropped th "ought" ah
baa taken ua "o" lostsad. Bo now ih re
V
V . si
03
peats 2430 la this manner, "two-four-threo-
O."
It I a splendid victory for English tin
defiled. Optimists can now see dawning
that glad day when the telephone girl will
say "naught" right out-loud. Detroit Free
Press.
Found n Cars lor Indigestion.
I use ChambeVlaln's Stomach and Liver
Tableta for Indigestion and find that, they
suit my cas better than any dyspepsia
remedy I hav ever tried and I have used
many different remedies. I am nearly u
yeara of age and have suffered a great dual
from Indigestion, I can eat almost any
thing I want to now. Qorg W. Emory,
Rock Mills, Ala.
entene C era ens.
' Lies never walk alone.
Toil la a foil against temptation.
Service is the secret of sovereignty.
Heaven draw more than bell can drive.
Sin Is Ilk seed, to cover tt is to culti
vate it
You cannot separata sin's bait from ita
book.
Th cross of Christ does not make th
cross Christian.
A man's work is th only thing that
makes him of worth.
Th pig-headed man Is most likely t run
with th herd.
Th devil Is not losing; aay sleep over
watch-charm piety. -
The love of all can be learned only front
the Lord of all.
It is hard to fight th tempter if yon ars
feeding at hla table
It is better to keep th Sabbath bright
than to keep It rusty.
Business depends more on keeping faith
than on keeping books. Chicago Tribune.
KtlUarr rroat In Kansas.
CLAY CENTKR. Kan., Oct. 1 Th first
killing frost thla fail fell in Clay county
last night Corn waa out ot danger.
Not Hungry
wbea you should b means disordered
nerves, whlcr will lead to nervous pros
tration. Dr. M1W Nervine 1 gniaran
teed to benefit you or money refunded,
book oa nerve seat free.
Pfi, MIX..B4 MXDICAl, CO, Jxbart, fc
11
