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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 14, 1903)
THE OMAHA DAILY HEE: SATURDAY. FEBRUARY 14. 1003.
WIDOWER CHEERS WIDOWS
BioyiliT Birthday Banquet Projected by a
&n'je3 En kef.
WILL EL" THE ONLY KAN PRESENT
Blddea te h Frt-rrtrtlrtl
Kliturn te Vmrm
Alfred A. Hewlett, a retired banker of
Syracuse, N. T, doea oot think a great
deal of tbt older Weller'B advice to hla ana
Samuel. Ha doea not "bevare of vldders."
but Inttesd baa a very blah opinion of tbeee
lora treat urea and w henever occasion oSert
aeeka to do tbem a good turn. Hla latest
dortea for giving them plessure la to IdtIic
all wbo realda la the vicinity to father on
the ltd annlverssry of bla birth, which la
soon to arrive, and dine sumptuously at
hla expense. There are In all abo-jt 125
widowa who are included In the Invitation
and arrangement .for tbe banquet are now
la progress oa an elaborate scale. Every
roast of the evening will be a widow, the
orrbettra will be composed wholly of
women and Mr. Howlett will be tbe only
person In bifurcated garments prevent.
"On my Ust birthday ." aaid Mr. Howlett,
"I gva little party and had ten widows
at my guests. After that every time I met
a widow I knew on the street aba would
aay, 'Why didn't you Invite me? I am a
widow,' Ton see. I didn't think anybody
would care about It.'
"But we bad a good time aod I made tip
my mlDd that I'd have another. And 1
made tip my mind, too, that nobody I knew
would come to me and aak me why I didn't
Invite ber. So I ut took the atreeta and
went down tbem, and do you know there
are eighteen widowa on Jsmes street? Tea,
air. and I haven't Invited a widow that 1
didn't know her husband knew tbem all.
A liMeNltl Baslaeee Maw.
for fifty years Mr. Howlett was presi
dent of tbe Salt Springs National bank and
directed 1U affairs with great ability, re
signing only two years ago on account of
bla age. Ha was formerly president of the
Syracuse dc Chenango Valley railroad and
preaident of the Syracuse Savings bank.
Hla name la connected with a score of
enterprises. He was one of tbe first aalt
manufacturers of the city. He once ran a
parking bouse in Oeddea and later drove
cattle oa the Wabash river. He haa mads
and lost millions. His health Is excellent
and hla eyea are bright. Tbey twinkle
when tbe widowa' party la mentioned. One
of hla friends said:
"This party will lengthen his life. He
will get more enjoyment out of it than
the widowa themselves."
Mr. Howlett baa always been ready for a
Joke, practical or otherwise, and hla friends
are racking their brains to get some good
one oa him on the day the party, which
will laat from 4 o'clock In the afternoon
until I o'clock in the evening. But be as-
sure all bis frienda that there la no Joke
concerned la hla preaent enterprise, in
slstlng that the dinner will be carried out
atrlctly on the lines indicated, and that
ao trouble br expense will be spared te
make It a euceeea.
taads Rich la the raaamaalty,
Mr. Howlett holds a high place among
the active and successful old men of Syra
cuae. Ever since he came from the farms
of Ceddea to work for Horace and Hamil
ton White, bankers, ia his youth, ho haa
beea a lively and active figure la the city's
life. Aa long ago aa 1S42 he had achieved
aaooeas ta buelneaa and he owned packing
booses, elevators, mills and banking inter
eeta when scarcely out of boyhood.
He was a director of the Salt Bprlngs
bank wbea It first opened Its doors in 1S52.
Seven years later he was vice president and
cashier, and Immediately thereafter presi
dent. Since that time he baa been con
nected with some of the leading enter
priaea of the city. Including Syracuse unl
verslty and tbe Onondsga County Orphan
asylum. ' He retired after having been
preaident of tbe Salt Springe bank for over
forty years. '
In extenuation of hla exclusion of all but
widowa from hla banquet board Mr. Ho
lett say a:
"People don't aeem to . remember that
widowa are moat alwaya- left out of society
altogether and I want to give tbem a good
"Some of the sui are Jealous. They are
trying to have fun with me, but If I live
until February 17 that party will come off.
My eon haa got to get out and I am going
te do tbe entertaining all alone. Any maa
that cornea prowling around will get kicked
Mat Hla First Eiprrlatst
Two years ago. to celebrate hla birthday
Mr. Howlett asked in tea widowa whom be
knew well. Tbey had auch a good time
aa told their friends so much sbout it that
he has beea busy since explaining to other
widows why be did not invite tbem. Finally
be determined to Invite every widow he
knew. He was surprised that the papers
should make a fuss about a maa dining
with 12S widows If -he wanted to. His Idea
was simply to amuse his friends sad him
"Wbea I was married," remarked Mr
Howlett. ta spesklng of his earlier days, "I
said te my wife: 'Minerva, where are we
going to church T Sbe replied thst she
was a Methodist. I proposed that we go to
the Vnltarlaa church. My wife wouldn't
bear of that and finally I suggested aa a
compromise thst we go te the Presbyterisa
church, as I considered that about between
the Methodists and tbe Vnltartana."
Five years age be waa at deatb'a duor
and a New York specialist was sent tor.
"Many Men Many
Designed to meet the reed
and adapted to suit the Ustcs
of the many
is distinguished above
all other silverware by
its almost infinite, vi
nery. No article which
may fitly be fashioned
in silver is neglected
by Gorham designers,
while in a majority of
instances these may be
had in a surprising
number of different de
It was not thought thst be would live id or
than a few hours. Wlthing te tod eat 1?
be bad much fever, tbe specisllBt ssked
'Dcs br rrT water?"
'Crave water?" about ed Mr. Howlett.
Islng la bit bed. "I stopped drinking
ster Id the '0s. Give id some whisky!"
Tbe sperlsli-it dropped tbe esse right
there aod laughed all tbe var bark to New
NEW TREATMENT FOR CORNS
Relief far the Afflicted rrewilse
Maakaelaters at X-Rey
That soft corns, excessive persplrstion,
skin cancers snd other forms of eczema
can be cured by the X-ray are the asser-
lon of several reputsble rhysiclsns of
Dispatches from Boston say tbst In a hos
pital there akin cancers sre being success
fully treated rr tbe X-rsy brought smiles
o tbe Dps of msny Chlcsgoans. who aay
hat It Is a general practice among spe
cialists here to trest these things in tbst
msnner, and has been for the lsst three or
four years. Incidentally the fact ' was
brought out thst Chicago Is about five or
six yeara ahead of Boaton, New York and
other eastern cities in the use of the X-rsy.
Diseases allied to ecsema are brought
about by aa abnormal condition of tbe cells
of tbe skin. If there is a superabundance
of tbe psthologlrsL cells the trouble is
sometimes called a skla cancer. When
treated with tbe Roentgen raye by exposure
to tbe raya for periods of aped I c length
tbe skin cshcers dissppear entirely.
It la aaid that treatment of Jhis sort con
tinued for three weeks will show no chang?
la tbe cancer, but that at about the end of
that time tbe vanishing of tbe cancer be
gins and will continue, whether tbe treat
ment la continued or not. What the causes
for this are the users of tbe rsys will not
hsxard a guess. They claim to have theor
ies, but none of them Is willing to state
what his theories are. Inquiry among the
apecialiata la diseases which are said to
be most benefited by the X-rsy as a cura
tive agent developed some remarkable opin
ions. Chicago News.
QUAINT FEATURES OF LIFE
F. N. Brown, tbe retiring sheriff of Re
public county, Ksasas, publishes a card
thanking "the peopje who have retained ma
In office for a apace of five years." Mr.
Brown also duly thanks Providence for
certain favors, using tbe followieg Ian
guage: "In the discharge of my dangerous
datles of this office I wsat to make this
acknowledgment that I have always been
protected and guided by a kind and loving
God and when dreased ia Hla armor there
is absolutely no loonboies for bullets.
Praise His nsme, and again I aay, thsnkM
A sidewalk charged with electricity
caused annoyance to pedestrians passing
John Furla'a grocery, 714 Haleted etreet.
Chicago. John Reed, an operator at tbe
Canalport avenue police station, was at
tracted by tbe cries of a hoy. He went to
the boy's assistance, and the latter told
him that he had a sail In hla foot and
could aot more It. Reed wore rubbers, and
did not feel the effects of tbe current.
He assisted the boy from tbe walk, and
later observed that others passing the
place received electric shocks.
After having beea relieved of a real octo
pus that eke bad carried la her stomach
for two yeara . Mrs. Elizabeth Weadt Is
resting easy at St. Luke's hospital. New
While at Long Branch, TC. J., two sum
mers ago Mrs. Wendt drsnk a glaaa of
water from a natural well la tbe yard of
one of the country homes. Aa ahe swal
lowed the water she felt a peculiar wrig
gling sen sat Ion la ber throat which caused
her to cough violently. She suffered from
severe choking spells for several months,
but thought nothing of the matter until
alx months ago, wbea sbe felt aa unac
countable gnawing sensation.
Sbe tried all kinds of remedies without
result, but a stomach pump applied at the
hospital brought forth a writing, spiderlike
reptile about the slzs of a woman's hand,
possessing tentacles like those of an octo
pus. Oa the extremities of these quiver
ing testacies were little caps capable of
producing a powerful suction. "i
"I am tired of town," was tbe first mes
sage Dora Meek gave her parents after
her wonderful 120 days' Bleep at Centralis,
111. The menage came thla afternoon oa
a pad kept at ber chair, and with It a re
quest te visit Kste Fisher, a country
cousin. Since January 1 ahe haa beea re
covering rapidly. The attack of hysteria
had beea aacribed to a lovers' quarrel, but
now. It is aaid, to borne sickness or over
work In a restaurant. A year ago ahe suf
fered a shorter attack and did not talk
until able to walk. She now sleep soundly
less than halt the time.
An amusing account is siren by a Preach
eommercisl traveler who has Just returned
from Persia, ot tbe war to which the ahah
"reformed" bis harem on returning home
from his recent trip to Europe. Tbe harem
contained 1.700 women and out of these,
after duly , paaalni aa inspection aereral
times, the shah weeded out 1.C40. Each of
the discharged women received i00,
About fifty of tbem became the wives of hla
majeetr'a officials, who were commanded te
marry them at once. Theee women had
either beea faroritea or had family influ
ence. Mot of tbe other women aoon found
husbands In their owa districts, as It is
considered a crest honor ta take a wife
from the royal harem.
'Thla man waa aa old bachelor." relates
the Bioux Falls Journal, "and his kind do
soma mighty foolish things. He was M
yesrs old. owned a quarter section farm,
worth S12.OO0, and waa free from debt.
The recent land erase atruck him. He fell
into the toils of a smooth-tonrned land
agent, wbo gave him a free ride up to the
jumping off place In British Columbia,
where he was induced to buy 110.000 worth
ot range land at II per acre. He gave his
note far the first psyment of 14.000. which
his local bank discounted, sad loaded him
self up with a yearly Interest charge ot
l&M, while hs rented his good farm for SM
per as sum. As bs paid aa much tor his
Canada land as It will probably be worth
twenty years from now. he has got himself
Into a alee Bnaacial fix. Had bs married
some bright woman years ago it te not
likely that he would have doae ao fooliaa
a thing. Don't be aa old bachelor,
Prof. PJcbard T. Ely haa aa article ia
Harper's on tbe co-operative town ot
i uirriri , v uiu., i n woicd ne comments un
the differing social conditions east and
west. "The further west one goes." says
tbe professor, "the more democrstlc be
comes society. I must confess that 1 did
not understand true Amertcaaism. ta one
of Its phases at least, until I got far away
i from the Atlaatie roast- Coming te hladi
sea. Wis, from Baltimore, Md., the freedom
of Intercourse betweea all ecoaomie classes
and mea of the wldst divergence af wealth
and Intellect attracted my atteatioa, but
there are social differences evea la Msdisoa
which would be scorned ta a place like
Greeley. Aaythlng like aristocracy saei
: te he absolutely unknown la Greeley, unless
1 It is tbe aristocracy of personal merit.
WILD NOT AGREE ON CAME
Fall of a Card Club C031
pooed of Girls.
INDIVIDUAL WHIWS RUPTUP THE DEAL
Mblat. High rive aad Taker F.aea
Had Aa vacates, aat Wtrs
tteted Dewa for
When tbe tell girl was invited to help
mske up a second table at whist she de
clined on the ground thst sbe hsd bsd no
practice st rsrd plsylng this winter snd
would spoil tbe game for everybody else.
The hostess aaa surprised st thst excuse.
"Thst Is strange," ahe said. "I thought
you bsd belonged to a card club all winter.
Tou told me early last fall that you and
a lot of girls in tbe music and art claseea
were going to play cards two evenings a
week for recrestlon."
Tbe tail girl sighed. "I know I told you
thst," she said, "and I thought we were
going to. We had talked over and had
perfected all our plana. We even got far
enough along to borrow extra tables, and
ons evening we met up in my rooms, but
we never got any further tbsn thst because
we couldn't decide upon what game to play.
"Personally I Inclined to high five, be
cause you can talk when you are playing
that and hare a good time, and that is
what I play carda for. I don't see any
sense in sitting down to a card table In
the nme solemn spirit thst you take to a
Waated ta flaw Of.
"When I aaid that tbe senior srt student
accused me of being frivolous. Sbe in
sisted upon whist. She Just did thst to
show off. Sbe hss a memory about four
yards long, and she likes to pley w hist so
the can make a display of ber mental pow
ers. Sbe never forgets what cards have
been played and who holds them, and when
tbe game is ended sbe likes to have people
congratulate her and say, 'Dear me, wbat
a wonderful memory you have. Ton never
forget a point, do you? I think it per
fectly awful for any girl to be bo puffed
up with pride as that girl la. Even if 1
did have a memory that never gave out I
wouldn't inflict my friends with it all tbe
"The girl who makes a specialty of
classic heads wanted to play casino ahe
ssid it was so restful after an all-day tusale
with the features of Sophocles and Diogenes
and Peter tbe Great. The composer from
Indiana said that the rest of ua could play
any old thing we pleased, but as for her it
was hearts or nothing. That girl Is too
silly for sny use. Sbe really is popular
with the men I cannot deny that but that
is no reason ahe should make herself so dis
agreeable when there are other women
around. The idea of talking about a game
of cards as If she was only playing to get
practice In tbe manipulation -of real hearts
between times. We were all perfectly dis
gusted with ner and we vowed that, no
matter what game we did decide upon. It
most certainly should not be hearts.
"Another girl wanted to play euchre. I
am afraid that girl will come to a bad end
If ahe doesn't look out. Sbe haa the true
gambling instinct. She said frankly that
be looked upon cards as a means to aa
end and that ahe preferred euchre because
It gave you the best chance to wla big
prize at a progressive game.
The Poker Advseste.
"The girl from Chicago came out strong
for poker. There is another girl that will
bear watching. Some of ua remonstrated
on tbe ground that you cannot play poker
without money. Of course you can't, said
the Chicago girt. That Is why I like to
plsy it. What do you suppose I want to
play for peppermint drops T Sbe seemed
ta think that waa smart, but we did aot, ao
we voted down poker-
Another girl put up a strong fight for
eeven-up, somebody else wsnted fantaa and
each of the other girls held out' for some
favorite but Impossible gsme. We talked
the matter over from 8 o'clock till 12. Tbe
discussion waxed real hot at times, and ths
hotter It waxed the further we got from an
agreement. At last tbe Chicago girl said
that the enly way she could see for us to
play cards together waa for each girl te
have a table to herself and play solitaire.
The whiat advocate argued that there would
not be much fun In that and that if we
were going to play solitaire we might as
well play it at home and avoid the risk of
catching cold by running around to each
other's bouses tn bsd weather. We finally
agreed that there was some sense la thst
and so adjourned at tea minutes past mid
night In a tolerably amiable frame of mind.
"So there you have the history of the
rlae and fall of our card club. Since I
have played nothing but aolltalre for four
months I am afraid I should not be a very
desirable ( partner at whist and so would
rather be excused." New Tork Times.
OIL BRICK FAKE BRANDED
Fraad Order lasaed Aaralast a Caa-ce-ra
Which Wsrkel a a
Laat Friday tbe postmaster general issued
a fraud order tigalnst L. M. Bryan dc Co. ot
Cincinnati, dealers la "a trust-killing, mar
velous and supernatural device" Intended
to produce "mysterious, everlasting fire,
tree from ashes, soot" and all other incon
venience incident to tbe use of common
This firm offered to send to all appli
cants a formula for this wonderful Inven
tion. Replies brought forth printed circu
lars describing the wonder and ending by
' offering for tbe small sum of 1 to supply
the formula and appoint the applicant as an
ageat for tbe concern.
So easy was It to sell the Invention, the
circular ststed, thst the fortunate agent
would speedily find himself rolling In the
lsp of luxury. Ninety per cent waa offered
and the agent was assured that ths inven
tion crested "great excitement" wherever
it waa displayed.
According to tbe postctBce authorities
letters began flowing into the , Cincinnati
It waa found, upon examination, that the
wonderful Invention which "created ao
much excitement" waa a almple oiled brick,
and even thla was not supplied by the com
pany, la answer to the letter of an appli
cant tncioaing a dollar, another printed
circular was sent, instructing him to pro
vide himself with a "brick, as It wss less
expensive for him to obtain the same at
home than for tbe company to send it," and
to apply tht-re'o "coaline." the formula ot
which was git, en and "could be purchased
at the nearest drug store. "Coaline," ' it
developed, was kerosene oil. with a fe
Prominently displsyed across tbe fsce of
the circular were the words, "death te the
trusts," In enormous letters.
Dsst taaarta All -Ms at.
Bestful sleep follows ass af Dr. King's
New Discovery, the best lung cure la the
world. No cure, ae psy. 60c, $100. For
sale by Kuha a Co.
At the HiM Takle.
6 he trumps br partner'e are.
Her partner aits snd plumps.
"Hortene." save a, "you can t play whis
'Tis foolish for you to uerstat "
How Hortenae yearns to eerstrh his face
l&O a OtfltuiiK i ft but trn.
Xtw Xerk euixig Boa,
the-bfcst fwrvily laxative-
It is pure.
It is gentle.
It is pleasant.
It is efficacicvu.
It is cot expensive.
It is good for children.
It is excellent for ladies.
It is convenient for business men.
It is perfectly safe under all circumstance.
It is used by millions of families the world over.
It stands highest, as a laxative, with physicians.
If you use it you have the best laxative the world
Of Peter Spiggot
Short Story by
(Copyright, IMS. by T. C. McClure.)
Every time I eee a pair c! happy lovers
or re id a tsle or true lore l am re
minded of the remarkable devotion dis
played for the Widow IMckens by my
friend. Peter FplgsoU Ah, but she wss
well worth the winning: a fine, plump
woman not over 10, lieht of foot and gay
without folly, with a complexion like a
lady blush apple, toft, silky hair, with
a glint like a copper kettle where the sun
struck It. and a voice thst wss better thsn
any medicine In a sick room. Peter was
bound to have her, and small blame to
him, but the poor man had some terrible
flaws. He waa barely turned 41, and, .you
might say, in the very prime of lite, but
be wss bald aa a pumpkin, brown aa a
potato and gangling aa a beanpole. When
he first began to court the widow she
looked oa him as a fair food Joke, hut be
let her Bee right away that be was plump
ia earnest, and, la spite of his looks, the
widow soon began to like him mighty
well. But when it came to the point of
marrying ahe kept telling him "No."
-Peter," sbe aaid at Ust, after he had
beea preaaing her hand for a season,
"you're kind and tree-hesrted; you've got
enough of this world's goods to ansae a
wife comfortable and I don't mind owning
up that you would be my first choice If It
wasn't for a few drawbacka. For oae thing
I never could marry a? man by the name
of Spiggot. Dlckena alan-such an anoom
moa name, I'll allow, but it ain't a aatehln'
ti m-r maiden Jiame. wmcn wss
I married Henry Dickena to get rid of
that uuchriatian name and Tye always said I
that I'd never marry again except ta better
myself." , .
The very next day Peter came ever to
her house with a piece of yellow wrapping
paper, oa which he had written a Hst of
nsmes, one for every letter of the alpha
bet, "Juet cast your eye over that. Martha,
aaid he. "and. see if you would like any
of tbem namea if you had the picking of
a husband out of the lot?"
"I wouldn't especially lean toward any
of them," the widow remarked after look
ing ever the list quite esrnestly. "The
tact ia I'd already made up my mind that
if I had the choosing of a nsme for my
next life pardner I'd be mighty well aatis
fled with Darlington. Tou see It'B a line
sounding name and moreover it begins with
a "D." All my pillow shams and fine
abeeta and table spreada that Tve made
ever Blnce I was a young girl are marked
with a "D," bo you see it would come
awfuly handy aot to have to change, them."
Eix weeka later Peter, came acrosa lots
to the garden where the widow was setting
out some tomato plants and handed her a
big document with a gold and red seal on
it. He had had his nsme changed to Peter
Darlington by act of congress. It had coat
him a pretty penny, but he knew that the
congressman from his district hsd to live,
so he never grumbled.
"WelL" said he when she had alowly read
the paper through from beginning to end,
"I suppose now you're ready to name the
day when you'll be Mrs. Peter Darling
ton?" Mrs. Dickens thoughtfully emptied the
entire contents of her sprinkling can on
tbe tomato plant sbe hsd just set out be
fore she answered.
"No. I ain't." sbe said at last.
Peter climbed over the fence, picked up
the empty aprihkllng ran, went to the well
and filled it, and set It down beside her.
"Why?" he ssked.
"Because." sbe answered.
1 waa afraid it was some dreadful scan
dal like that," said reter. not meaning
sny barm, nut peing aaiurauy arcasLit w
Tbe widow blazed riftt up.
"Look here. Peter f piggot Darlington, if
you must Snow IDt reason, ii u-t- ur
you're bald-beaded! I ve tried and tried to
overlook tt, but you re so almighty oaia
that I can't- And I never couia marry a
bald-headed man, evm If his tame wss
'Mrs. Dickens," Ftter said with tbe
same narrowing of his eyea that he uaed
in a horse trade, "will you give me the
refusal of you tor, aay. alx months?
Well," replied the widow, who hsd her
self traded a horae or two without loss,
six months is a long time, but I don't
mind doing a favor for an old friend. So
I'll give ycu my word not to consider any
offers till next Novenber.
"Much obliged. Fine westher, aint!t?
Without waiting for aa answer to this
last question be was gone.
It was a month before rter called again
and then he sulked into tbe kitchen with
his hat oa and a little paper package ia
"Good morula'. Mrt Dickens," he said.
"I just come over to find out what color
ot hair you liked best."
He opened his little tacksge and ipread
out oa tbe k lichen table twenty white en
velopes, oa each oae ot which waa neatly
pasted a sample of a different shads ot hair.
The widow gasped.
"Look here Peter Efg Darlinalon." ahe
ejaculated, "ypu're not going te buy a wig!
Too might know I couldn't abide a maa
with a wig. Why doa't you take etf your
"I can't Martha." hs replied. I'm !rrl
gating my scalp."
"lrrigaUsa Ul Tea don t a. ess u aay
you're going to try to grow a new head of
"Ten. I Co. I've got a network of tubes
and ditches running all over my scalp,
keeping It supplied with Darlington'a Eu
reka Excelsior Scalp Irrigator. Invented It
mayself and Us a wonder. I've got four
bogs over on my plsce tbat'a wearln' tbe j
finest, beslthlest crop of wool that ever I
took the place of bristles. Transplanted it
from some of my Spiggot improved sheep
and Darlington's Eureka Eicelslor Scslp
Irrigator done the rest!"
"You don't say!"
"Fact!" stid Peter. "lt d keep hair alive
on a door knob. I honestly do believe.
Now you just pick out the color ot hair
you favor. Take your time to look 'em over
and send the kind you want over to the
Well. I swan!" said the widow aa Peter
went down the rosd; but she couldn't help
feeling a little proud of Peter for his smart
Less. The next dsy she sent over a little skein
of bair she had clipped from her favorite
"There ain't no hair I know of looks wo
much like that as Swede hair." said Peter
when he ssw It. "I don't take much of a
ahlne to It myself, but what suits her
Peter began to watch the trains day after
day from then until he found a healthy
young Immigrant with a fine head of hair
that waa just the right shade, and hired
him to stay long enough to buy every fifth
hair in hla head. One heir at a time, roots
and all, he dug out of thst young fellow's
scalp and transplanted into his own. It
took twenty immigrants, relected out tf
over .000, to supply hla whole head and
put the finishing touchea on, but when he
was done he had a splendid head of hair,
although It waa a little spotty ia places
where tbe shsde wss not quite matched and
It had cowlicka scattered around ia odd
corners where one could never expect to find
Tou would hardly believe it, but still the
widow wasn't satisfied. Sbe hsd made up
her mind beforehand that he wouldn't quite
do for a husband and It was mighty bard
tor her to give cp the Idea, ahe being what
yon might call Just a little mule-headed
in her way a.
"Give me a reason, Martha!" demanded
Peter. "Tou owe me a good reason by this
"Well," aaid the widow, hunting like
sixty for a drawback that couldn't be fixed.
"You're too tall by two good Inches. I
just couldn't go 'round with a ganglln' six
footer, makin' me look like a pumpkia at
the side of a bean pole!"
Wben Peter left the house the widow
looked after him with the glint of a tear
drop in her eye.
"Maybe I hadn't ought to have doae It,"
be mused, "but I guess I've got bias set
tled for good this time."
She did aot know Peter Darling-ton If
she thought she had him stopped. Tha
very next day Peter went to the city1 aad
hunted up a doctor who had made a great
name by sawing people to pieces and put
ting tbem together again.
"Looky here. Dor," said Peter, coming
to the point without any waste of worda.
"could you saw two inches out of a man's
lega, below the knee, say, and Join them
together agin, bonea, muscles, blood, veins
and all. Just as good as new?"
"Yes, It could be done," answered the
doctor after thinking It over.
' "All right then, let 'er rip," ssys Peter,
taking off his coat. "I'll foot the bill."
"But. my dear air," says tbe doctor.
there's nothing tbe matter with you. I
couldn't do a job like that. Why, it would
be against tbe law!
Peter had done a lot of reading aad he
knew there were only two klnda of people
who couldn't get around the law poor peo
ple and people with ao spunk.
Couldn't you do it ia tbe interest ot
science?" he asked.
That's so!" said the doctor, perking up.
"If It's la the interest of science we can
do most anything. Only It will cost you a
lot more that wsy
"Sharpen up your saw!" aaid Peter. j
Two months afterward he went back
home measuring Just five feet nine and a
hslf ia his Blocking feet.
The widow began to cry wbea ahe saw
It ain't now use. Peter," she sobbed.
"If I'd kaowed you'd go and fly ia tha face
of Providence thla way I never would let
you do It. I'd a told you tbe truth right
out. The fact ia I can't bring myself te
mary you ao matter what you do. Tou
don't fix up one thing till I oee another that
looks bigger than all tbe rest. Your fsce
is wrinkled and you're freckled aad you've
got falae teeth aad a big aose and lop eara.
But I doa't want yon bow to go aad ak'a
youraelt or transplant new teeth Into your
Jawa or pare down your aose aad ears, he
cause It wouldn't do any good. Clear dowa
at tha very bottom of It all Is the real rea
son thst you're too everlasting eld for me.
Peter wss hard hit this time, hut only for
a minute or two. i
"Tbea It's really Juat because I'm too
"That's all, Peter, rresa my heart, hope
to die." She laughed, gay aad free as ahe
i crossco aer aeart aa laey asea so oa at
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the old Bed P.rutb. school when they wsnted
to be believed.
"Well, of course you're the doctor. Mis'
Dlckena," said Peter, trying to smile cheer
fully, "but there's no reason we can't be
good friends anyhow. I'm bound to say
that knoming you haa been improving to me
;a all ways, for wben I first begin to keep
company with yon I was baldbeaded aod
too tall for comfort, and my came wasn't
St for anything oa rsrth but to sign checks
on the bank with. In rpite ot all I've
rained, though, I wish you could have told
me In tbe first plsce thst I was too old. I
needn't have wasted all this time."
When Pttcr went away this tlrae the
widow Dickens sat down to peel potatoes
and rut her finger. At dinner time sbe
burned tbe meet and let the coffee boll
over. For two days she hsd a notion, off
and on, to send for Peter, but she didn't,
and Peter didn't come around to bother
her. He juat laid in a new stork ot drugs
and went mussing aroond again.
After awhile bis live stock kept dying
off, one at a time, at an awful rate, but
In a few months be began te buy up all the
old tough stock he could get, and also be
to selI lht tenderest and juiciest young
shoan and calves and chickens thst ever
came off a fsrro.
Aided by his mighty lore for Widow
Dickens he hsd discovered what the wisest
men of all the ages had tailed to find the
Ellxer of Tooth!
Wbea he had It dowa to r-here he knew
tt was perfect and could bo relied upon, he
took a bottle of it and went dowa to tbe
"I've come to mske a last appeal.
Martha." he aaid; "aad I want a clear un
derstanding with you. All I want is a plala
answer to a plain question. It I wss
younger would yoa marry me?"
"Peter." the aaid. "I would!""
"Then here goes!" said hs. aad with that
he tilted up tbe bottle, emptied the Ellxer
of Youth down his threat and tumbled dowa
in his clothes, a equalling baby with aa
atnatlng ahock of dun-colored hair!
Tou Bee Peter had. some way or other,
miscslculsted tha strength of thst elixir
snd took aa overdose, and It set him back
about thirty years farther than he had
meant to go..
Well, the widow was flustered snd to
sorry sbe didn't know what to do. Now
that It was all ever and eternally too late
she ssw that. In tbe end, ahe really meant
to marry Teter all the while.
In the meait'rie something practical had
to be dooe, so she snatched the baby out
of tte pile cf heavy clothes and wrapped
It np la a blanket till sbe could borrow
acme baby clothes. Then she gave It some
milk and sat dowa to think over what ahe
should do. There was all that property .to
look after and Peter had ao chirk nor child,
no kith nor kin of any kind.
So she up and married that baby!
They tried to keep her from getting a
license, hut ahe proved be was 41 years old
and la his right mind, aa wbat could
The last time I oaw Mrs. Peter Darling
ton aha was Just glviag aer husband aa
all-fired good spanking. .
"Look here, Peter Spiggot. Darlington."
sbe aaid as sbe slammed hint dowa on the
floor. "It I catch you pulling that cat's
tall again I'll Just fairly skla you aUvs!"
Gears; la Caagretsaaa Had Xarrew
Mararla far His Ufa la
One af the most popular members ot con
gress Is Representative Livingatoa of
Georgia, a former confederate soldier, who
waa thoroughly "reconstructed" aoon after
the last gua of tbe eoafhet had teea fired.
He was telling a story ot the war la ths
appropriations committee room at the cspi
tot the other day of his narrow escape once
from Tankee soldiers during operations at !
Atlanta. He end a Texas scout were sent
on a perilous misslca la citlseas' clothes.
"I knew every pa'h leading 'e the city
and the streets as well aa I did tbe hog
pa tha areund my oa farm, and General
Hardee directed ma ta aecertala Inform
ation about the enemy, which 1 believed I
could do from a wemaa living la tbs city,"
said Mr. Livingatoa.
"We rode up to .be back gate, but to
our aatoniihment tbe Tankees were ia her
bouse. I sprscg bs?k Into my saddle and
we galloped away, tbe Tankees hot after ua.
Tsars at'jrrwsrd. the late General Coggs-
well of !dassacli)setts and I met hero In
thla committee room, and I banpeaed to
learn that be was 'be m'litary commander
at Atlanta at thst time. Then I told hla
"Wbea I flclsre telling It GeLo.al Coggs-
em tv,; r: i.Liy a ctx
well put his arm on my shoulder snd sld:
"'Let us be trlends through life. 'I am
mighty glad the boya did not catch you. Aa
a soldier, you know whst would have beea
your fste under the circumstances and wo
never would have met under such delight
"From that dsy urtll his death General
Corgswell and myself were n fast friends
aa any two men who ever wore tbe blue aad
tbe gray. I was one of his pallbearers and
aaw him laid to rest among the people be
served so veil."
Mae l.lae, DlaTereat Braseh,
There Is one raan In Tennessee who, no
matter how many -ears paaa over bis genial
head aa ex-Governor Taylt. will remain to
the great majority of his friends simply
"Governor Bob." His wit Is as keen ss his
orstory is clear.
When Dr. Dunran. a noted southern dl
vine ot the Methodist persuasion, resigned
from the ctnfrence to enter the business
world, it wss announced that he would "go
"lusuraoce?" repeated a queatloner.
t 'L'fe or fire?"
"Why. life, of course," answered Gov
ernor Bob with his infectious chuckle.
"Hssn't he Just resigned from fire insur
ance?" New York Times.
Made stalls la lite Bed.
Because Peter Clark of Chicago built two
stalls In his bed and refused to provide his
wife, as she says, with sufficient money te
properly manage tbe household. Mrs. Rosa
Clark ssked Judge Chytrsus to arrant her a
divorce. Peter admitted he had placed a
plank on edge down the center of the bed.
but said it bad beea toem at the request
ot his wife. This sbe firn.ed. On tha
financial question Mr. Clsrk declared that
he had given his wife the larger (bare of
his wagea, r.nd then, when he went to her
for small sums, he was refused. Mrs. Clark
asserted thst she was frequently left at
home with nothing to eat and had to go to
her molhrr'o to secure a meal.
Maklaat It Kaay.
"My dear elr," WTote the editor to the
persistent young author, "in order to
simplify mstters somewhat, we sre In
closing a bunch of our 'declined with
thanks' notices. If you will put ons of
these in an envelope with your manuscript
and mall it to youraelf it will make It
easier for all of us, and you will be oavlng
something in postsge as well.' Chictgi
Dal an- Her Best.
"But why," tbey aaked, "do you keep a
cat. a dog and a parrot? Don't yoa know
that it annoys the neighbors?"
"Of course." replied the old maid in tbd
apartment building, "but annoyance of some
sort seems to be considered the proper
thing, and I haven't any children. I cm
dolie the beat I can under the circum
stances." Chicago Poet.
"May I ask you for the loan of a dollar?"
(After a pause) "Well, where is It?"
Where la what?"
"Why. the dollar."
"Bleaeed it I know. Wiah I did I'd
divide with you. Haven't got aa extra
cigar ia your clolhea. have you?" Ke.nras
First Gsirmaa Who Is that woman who
has ssked twenty times la tbe lsst five
minutes about tbe schedule, for fear her
train will get away?
Second Gatemaa She'B headin a bunch
of delegates goin' dowa V a meetln e ta
American League o Don't Worry Clubs.
Bl' In. ere Nems.
The letltw Lark.
Oh flute of memory faintly blown
Across tbe twl taht land
Akrons tbe shadowy land where.- loi.e.
The trees like inuurnrrs stand
On fljte of myetery that doth tiring.
About (he Incline hill,
The stars In tenoer blosaomlna
Tbe dsrkiiers strangely silii
Oh flute of memory! Ab! 1 hear
Tbe voices silnt long;
3ht sfterwhile of Fate Is cesr.
The hand-clarp and tha song
Oh flute of longing! Thro' tbe mlM
1 reach my hands to thee.
To the, my heart s evsngelist
Of music yet to be.
Oh flute of mystery, spirit flute.
Blown gently from star
Airuu the waiting fields and mutt
Where dreame tbs holiest are
Fore er thy tender wild notes kef p.
And ihr-i at last 1 fall.
And on tiod I quiet meadows sleep
On, wske soe with tby call!
-Ingram crocaett in Youth a Companion
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