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i3 THE OMAHA DAILY BEEt SUNDAY, DECEMBER 14, 1902.
Anecdotal Beminitoeaoei of tU Lift of ; - X v? Yj i -Vl"v??j f ' 5
SARCASM AND HUMOR CLEVERLY HANDLED
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Thr.Ka of HI Mental Rapier at
Parties, Policies and Political
Opponents Activities at am
Intellectual Giant.
The Ion and masterful career of tlia late
Thomas B. Reed affords an abundance of
anecdotes Illustrating hla activities In pub
lic and private life and the forceful bril
liancy of an Intellectual giant. Newspaper
biographers do not agree In classing him as
wit, but they are a unit In regarding him
a. master wlelder of tho most effective
of weapons sarcasm. The keenness of his
mental rapier and his readiness In wielding j
It Is shown In the following atones:
When the house voted on the Teller reso
lution Representative Hicks of Pennsyl
vania was absent. The morning after,
while Speaker Reed wae riding In a street
rr toward tho caDltol. Mr. Hicks stepped
aboard. "Hicks, come here," said the
speaker, and the Pennsylvania congressman
obeyed. "Hicks," drawled the speaker, In
mhiikinr tone, as thouah he were a school
master, "you didn't come to school last
Monday afternoon. Have you brought an
ATOI1MA from vour mother?" Mr. Hicks' re
ply was lost in the laughter that followed
the speaker's question.
A Louisiana member at the beginning of
one congress went to him and frankly said
that he would like to be placed on tne com
mittee on rlvera and harbors. Mr. Reed
looked at him very gravely, and finally, In
low but thrlllina- tone of voice, asKea:
Knw much of a steal do you want?" The
reply was evidently not satisfactory, for
the member's name did not appear among
tha namea on the committee.
Representative William Astor Chanler
met the ex-speakcr one flay in New xoru,
r. m in him! "Mr. Reed. I have read
and hpnrd a treat deal about trusts during
this fight for the presidency, and I have
seen various definitions of a trust. Now, I
won id ilka to know from you lust what a
trust is." "A trust," said Mr. Reed, "is
easily defined. It is a body of very rich
men entirely surrounded by water.
Calm Amid the Tumult.
"Old Howdy," as Mr. Martin, an uncouth
and picturesque Texan, was called because
of his usual mode of greeting his friends,
declared with sulphurous language that he
would never permit himself to be counted
In one of Reed's quorums, and when an oc
caslon came he arose in his wrath and in
quired whether the speaker had violated
that well-known determination. Mr. Reed
Informed him that be had been Included
with the rest, whereupon "Old Howdy" lost
Ms temper entirely and started for the
chair, swinging his long arms in a most
violent manner and shouting the vengeance
that he Intended to take when he reached
his victim. Twenty stalwart republicans
rushed toward the desk to protect Mr. Reed
and quite as many horrified democrats
prang Into the area to head off the ex
cited Texan, fearing that in his fury hp
would kill the speaker If he did not carve
up that massive corpoelty with a bowlo
knife. Although his coat tails were torn
oft In the melee Martin managed to reach
the desk and, shaking his fist within an
Inch of the speaker's nose, shouted tho
most offensive and insulting epithets.
Reed did not appear to notice that any
thing unusual was going on. The houso
held its breath and all they heard was
that familiar Yankee drawl:
"The gentleman from Texas will be kind
enough to take bis seat."
"Old Howdy" was paralyzed. He could
not conceive that any man would submit
to the epithets that he had uttered with
out drawing a knife or a revolver. Accord
Ing to Texas etiquette he Culd not shoot
or cut until his antagonist ha produced
weapons. So he looked arounC In a be
wildered, helpless, disappointed sort of a
way and complained to the friends who
were attempting to restrain him:
"The blankety blank blank won't fight
"The gentleman from Texas is out of
order," drawled Reed again, "and will take
his seat."
On one occasion news came that the
state of Colorado was likely to be repre
sented In part In the house by a woman.
An enterprising publisher saw In thla cir
cumstance a topic for an article from Mr.
Reed and duly Instructed his representative
In Washington to see the gentleman from
Maine and persuade htm to agree to write
on the possibilities opened up by the en
trance of a woman tn the lower house of
congress. Mr. Reed was then recognized
as a possible candidate for the presidency,
and it was apprehended correctly by the
publisher's representative that he would be
roluctant to say anything about such a
matter. However, the errand was duly
performed, and Mr Reed, sitting ponder
oualy In his seat on the republican side
of the chamber, was asked to let the Amer
loan pubilo know what he thought the
house would be like with any considerable
number of women representing constitu
encies there. The big man turned gravely
on his visitor, continued arranging many
papers In his desk, seemed to be thinking
Intensely on the proposal, and Anally asked
It the visitor had a telegraph frank,
To the affirmative reply the Maine ropre
ontatlve saidi "Would you be kind enough
to stud message tor me to your prin
cipal t
Df course, the answer was agreeable and
the gentleman from the publishing house
lack out his pencil to write from Mr,
ttcc.4 dictation. ' I
'please say," catd Mr. Reed, Vjuat this:
'Excuse me,' and get the telegraph operator
to send the last woid in capitals."
That wts is near aa any one ever got
Reed to delivering himself on woman's
suffrage. '
A Bpoater Silenced.
One of Mr. Reed's earliest encounters In
the house was with Singleton of Mississippi,
a redhot southern democrat. The bill under
discussion was one to reduce the salary of
the United Btates minister to Qreat Britain
from 117.600 to $15,000 a year. Reed had
urged that It was hardly possible, even If
the figures stood, tor a poor man to take the
position,
"As to the Idea that upon the salaries
here proposed poor men caunot afford to
hold government positions," answered Bin
gleton, "I will say that I can furnish from
my own state men of the highest character
who would be glad to take any ot these po
altlons.
"Mr. Chairman," replied Reed. "I ahould
Judge, from the supply ot office seekers who
have been crowding around our doorkeeper,
that gentlemen on the other aide could
supply enough to fill all the offices of the
i country, at any price."
"Yea." answered Singleton, excitedly
"and I do not wonder at It, because the
demoralization which has grown up under
the republican party baa extended all over
the land. The republican party, having con
trol of the government, has Inculcated the
Idea that these people have a right to Uve
oft the country."
"Mr. Chairman," drawled Reed, In his
most Irritating way, "it is too bad to
charge us with oorrupting the democratic
party."
Aal thereafter honorable members were
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careful how they atlrrsd up ths big man
from Maine.
A Bit of Prophecy.
On ot Mr. Reed's Tlalts to Washington
was made Juit after the withdrawal ot his
successor, Speaker Henderson, from the
eoncresslonal race In Iowa. A newspaper
correspondent espied Mr. Reed standing
on the opposite aide ot the atreet, contem
plating the aky. The correspondent knew
that It would be a difficult matter to Induce
Mr. Reed to talk about his successor, so
Instead ot aocostlng the ex-speaker at once
he walked up and down the block tor five
minutes, framing an appeal which should
touch the Maine man's heart. Having com
posed an artful, skillful address, be crossed
the street to where Mr. Reed waa still
standing. It was his Intention to prevent
Mr. Reed from Interrupting by pouring out
hla entire argument, explaining the reasons
why It was a patriotic duty for Mr. Reed
to talk, before the Utter could get In
word.
He carried out hla scheme successfully.
It took three minutes to deliver the ad
dress, and Mr. Reed did not get a chance
to Interrupt. It waa such a convincing
argument that the correspondent did not
toe bow Mr. Reed could refuse to talk.
Mr. Reed seemed moved. Instead of ab
ruptly refusing to talk, as had at first
been his evident Intention, he looked up
at the sky and began to think. The corre
spondent knew enough not to disturb the
current of Mr. Reed's thoughts. For three
or four minutes the ex-epeaker gazed at
the sky with a meditative air. At last ho
slowly brought his gate back to earth,
cleared his throat and spoke:
"That cloud," said ho, "indicates that
we are going to have rain."
Brilliant Flaebea.
"One evening a newspaper correspondent
sent hi card in to Mr. Reed, who was
seated In a dark corner of a Washington
restaurant.
Reed came out and the correspondent
said: "Pardon me, Mr. Reed, I mistook you
tor Mr. Cleveland."
"For heaven's sake," answered Reed,
"never let Cleveland know that. Ha's too
vain of hU beauty now."
One Reed went out to Jerry Simpson's
district in Kansas to make a speech against
that redoubtable statesman.
"For the last four years," began Mr.
Reed, "this district has been represented
In congress by chaos."
Once an obscure member from West Ylr
glnla interrupted Reed In the midst of a
speech with some foolish query.
"YeBterday," said Reed In reply, "I had
a discussion with Mr. Wilson, the head of
the West Virginia delegation, and today,
however unpleasant It may be, I suppose I
shall be compelled to have a discussion
with the tall of the West Virginia dele
gation." In replying to an attack made upon him
by John De Witt Warner of New York Mr.
Reed said: "I cannot hope to equal the
volume ot voice of the gentleman from
New York. That la equaled only by the
volume of those things which he does not
know."
"During Harrison's administration," said
Reed. "I had only two enemies in the state
of Maine. One of them the president ap
pointed collector of Portland and the other
he pardoned from the penitentiary."
In declining an offer of $1,000 for an arti
cle on the policy ot expansion from a prom
inent magazine Reed wrote: "i feel too
deeply on the subject to take money for ex
pressing any opinions about it."
"1 Told Voo No."
Once Reed was called upon to address a
meeting at Blddeford, at which a large
number of democrats were present.
"If a photographic snapshot could be
taken of the democracy," began Reed, "at
any time and at any place, it wouia reveai
them In the act of doing aome mean, low
lived, contemptible thing."
A storm ot indignant hisses rose from the
democratic benches. ,
"There," said Reed blandly, "I told you
so."
Joseph H. Choate, before bis appointment
as ambassador to Oreat Britain, "Tom"
Reed and another were talking one evening
In the lobby of a New York hotel. The con
versation bad taken a aerlous turn.
"I believe," said Mr. Choate, "that, aa the
world goes, I can claim to have led a rea
sonably clean and decent life. I don't
swear; I haven't got any skeletons in my
closet; though I have attended many ban
quets I have never taken more wine than
was good for me. On the whole, I suppose
I average pretty well."
"Ah," said the third and unnamed party
to the conversation, "I wish I could ssy
that."
"Well," said Reed, with a sly twinkle In
his eyes, "why don't you say it? Choata
did."
Mr. Reed was a very large man, tall,
broad and heavy, wdghlng nearly 300
pounds. One day while he was walking
toward the cayltol he was joined by a well
known toady, who after a few steps aaked
cheerfully:
"Mr. Reed, how much do you weigh?"
One hundred and ninety pounds," was
the prompt answer.
"Oh!" said the tuft-bunter apologetically,
"I think you must be mistaken. I am a
much smaller man than you and I weigh
over 200 pounds."
"No gentleman weighs more than 200
pounds." remarked the spesker scornfully.
It was Reed, too, when asked to write
a toast to the deraocratlo party, replied at
once: "The democratic party. Here's to
Its prophet and Us ballot boxea both
stuffed!"
UrlrndluK Ills Native Stale.
At a dinner In New York some one Jok
ingly commented on prohibition in Maine.
Mr. Reed, whose turn came later, defended
his old borne against the "mistaken view
of the result of prohibition there." He
said It had resulted In Maine men losing
all taste for liquor. This was met with
bowls of derision end sarcastic Isugbter,
but Mr. Reed never cracked a smile. He
said the popular mistake was due to the
fact that whenever a New Yorker went to
Maine the hospltsble people of that state
broke the rule and gave him drink only to
save bis lite.
Mr. Reed's last visit to Washington, which ,
terminated in so sorrowful a way, was made
just after the army and navy foot ball .
game, which be attended. As he came
through tbo gate to take the train from tha '.
foot ball game to Washington, he found
himself Jostling Representative Charles B.
Landls of Indiana, whom he knew well.
They shook hands and boarded the train
together, going into the emoklng car. When
they settled themselves in the seats and
pulled out tbelr cigars, Mr. Landls said:
"I thought when you bumped into ma '
that you were as big as ever, but you
have fallen off. I think you weigh tulrty
pounds less than you used to."
"Well," replied Mr. Reed, glancing down
at his big frame with a touch ot pride,
"may be I have, but it has not leuaened
the matchless symmetry of my form."
Hla Karnlngi.
Philadelphia Press: Clark See bore!
You told me if I took a course of Instruc
tion from you It wouldn't be lona before
I'd be earning $100 a weelu
Prof. Skiuner Well?
Clark Well, I'm only getting $10 a week.
Prof. Bklnner Uut, honestly, now. don't
you feel tht you're earning $100. Every
clerks feels he earns ten tlmea as much aa
he gets.
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