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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 23, 1902)
TIIE OMAnA DAILY KEKi THURSDAY, OCTODETl 23, 1002.
The omaha Daily Bee.
E. HOSE WATER. EDITOR.
PUBLISHED EVERY MORN1NQ.
TERMS OK SUBSCRIPTION.
llally Bee (Without Hundiyi, One Ya,r..$.f0
Daily Mee, una euiiouy, u.i Year o.i
Illustrated nw, uiit" Ver
t-unuay !', wno J t ar
Ssturuay Uee. tine leur I w
Twentieth L'cMurjr Farmer, One Year.. l.W
DELIVERED HY CARRIER.
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Evening ijtee (Wltho.n Sunday), per week w;
Evening lite Uciudlng bundayj, per
Complaints of Irregularities fn delivery
should be addrcssi-d to City Circulation De
Omaha The Bee Building.
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and M Streets.
Council Blurts 10 Pearl Street.
Chicago 104o L'nlty Building.
Jsew iurkZS2h i'urk How dulldlng.
' Washington M fourteenth Streeu
J Communications relating to news and edl-
torlai matter snouid De uduressed: Omaha
ilee, Editorial Dcpurtment.
Business letters and remittances should
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Remit by draft, express or postal order,
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TiiE BEE tUBLiSHlNU COMPANY.
STATEMENT OP CIRCULATION.
State of Nebraska, Douglas County, si:
Oeorge B. Tzsuhuck, secretary of The
Bee Publishing Company, being duly sworn,
says that the actual number of full and
complete copies of The Dally, Morning,
Evening and Sunday Bee printed during
the month of September, 19v2, waa as fol
1 30,130 16 Sl.lBO
3 80,740 17 81.IK20
80.8GO ., 18 81,140
1 31,870 20 B1.430
6 80,40 a 3tt,074
7 StU,a70 23 81,000
1 80,'JOO 23 34,600
... 80,700 24 82,240
10 31,030 2a 81,200
11 30,820 2 30,770
12 81.2SO 27 30,030
U 81.2DO 23 21,02S
II 20,600 2 80.S00
U 81,000 80 81,100
Less untold ul returned copies.... 10,144
Net total sale .918,081
Net dally averago 80,002
GEORGE B. TZSCHUCK.
Subscribed in tny presence and sworn to
before me this auth day of September, A.
P., 10O2. M. B. H UNGATE,
(Seal.) Notary Public.
It Is now up to the anthracite arbi
trators. If you have not already registered
don't fall to register Friday.
Bo long as the Indian summer con
tinues the price of anthracite coal cuts
The Omaha fire department has al
ways got to be saved Just before an
Perhaps It was John N. Baldwin who
put Dave Mercer up to wcurlcg the
Over 100 applicants have presented
themselves already for the vacant
county clerkship, and the cry Is "Still
they come." . - . ...
Now that the Boer -war and the coal
strike are ' settled, ' South'- Dakota ; has
started an agitation for the removal
of its state capital. .
The famous physicians are going to
discuss consumption. There are plenty
of cures, but the essentiul point Is that
consumption Is seldom cured.
The federal . judges have taken the
Union raclflc cose under advisement,
but while the men on the picket line ant
enjoined from talking to strike breakers
they are not enjoined from talking poli
tics to other worklngmen.
The Omaha Are boys were taught In
Sunday school that "the Lord will pro
Tide," and they have' learned by this
time that Councilman Lobeck and the
ther city fathers are always willing to
act out the will of the Jrd as providers.
There is very little satisfaction to be
derived from the confession of John
Flax, who was arretted for complicity
in the recent Burlington robbery, that
Tat Crowe was In It so long as the re
doubtable bird of 111 omen remains at
Bo far as the Denmark treaty is con
cerned, it may be said that one or two
little Islands more or less do not make
much difference to the American people
anyhow. However. Denmark may as
Well understand that the market for
selling its West Indian possessions is
restricted to the United States.
Our Dave takes great pride In telling
the people that he has neon officially -n-Aorsed
by the union labor organizations
tnd wears the union label inside of his
est pocket, but It is very singular that
the union labor organisations have not
endorsed Our Dave's unholy alllauce
with John X. Baldwin In transforming
the Omaha police force Into a strike
The missing link In the electric lines
between Chicago and Milwaukee Is
being staked out aud the completion of
the Hue la expected early next spring.
If a trolley line eighty miles long can be
operated profitably In Illluols and Wis
consin why could not a trolley line
twenty to fifty miles long be operated
profitably between Qtnahu and the towns
within that radius?
It has not been long since the South
Dakota farmers were complaining of
high rates of interest and went popu
list But today South Dakota has on
hand $500,ooo belonging- to the school
fund which It Is impossible to lend be
cause the law requires It to be loaned
t not less than 6 per cent, whereas
t money in any amount can be had In
South Dakota on' good farm land se
curity at considerably less .than 6 per
jccaC... ' . ' v "
the q vest toy ar the hour.
The question of the hour In Nebraska
Is tax reform. Compared with that Is
sue all others pale Into Insignificance.
The constitution of Nebraska expressly
prohibits the state from contracting
debts to exceed la the aggregate 1100.000,
except for the purpose of repelling In
vasion, suppressing Insurrections, or de
fending the state in war, but the state
debt today exceeds 12.000,000, is increas
ing steadily at the rate of $100,000 a
year, and will so contluue until the state
compels the railroads to pay their full
share of the expenses of government.
The most flagrant wrong perpetrated
upon Nebraska tax payers under Its ex
isting revenue system is the assessment
of the railroads at less than one-twelfth
of their true value based upon their
earnings and capitalisation, while the
bulk of all taxable property In Nebraska
Is assessed at one-sixth of Its value.
The effect of this discrimination against
the rank and file of property owners is
strikingly exhibited by the table of com
parative railroad assessments that ap
pears on this page.
The figures presented are carefully
complied from official reports of the
state auditor, the' bulletins recently Is
sued by authority of the railroads, and
the reports to their stockholders pub
lished within the past year. These doc
uments afford conclusive proof that the
aggregate true value of railroads in Ne
braska based on net earnings after de
ducting operating expenses, betterments
and taxes paid exceeds $312,000,000.
An. Inspection of the table herewith
presented shows Just how much each
county has lost by gradual reduction of
the railroad assessment within the past
ten years, the aggregate apportionment
of railroad assessments to etch county
for the year 1002 and what the aggre
gate assessment should .be If the rail
roads were assessed at one-sixth of their
value based on net earnings. The ap
praisement of railroads that have not re
ported net earnings, which constitute
less than one-sixth of the entire railroad
mileage in the state, Is based upon the
value of their tangible property. The
citation of a few figures should suffice
to Impress every citizen of Nebraska
with the imperative necessity of a rad
ical change in railroad assessment.
For example, the total assessment of
railroad property In Adams county for
the year 1002 is $682,521.00, assessed at
a fair valuation it would be $1,284,306.11.
The railroad apportionment in Buffalo
county aggregates $640,324.00 for 1002;
a fair valuation would have given Buf
falo county $1,858,764, The aggregate
railroad apportionment for Butler county
Is $401,133, when by rights it should
have been $1,052,712. The aggregate
railroad apportionment for Cass county
Is $862,614.20, when it should have been
$1,141,147.00. The railroad assessment
In Clay county ten years ago was $725,
402.00. This year it is $645,510;--if as
sessed at a fair valuation it would have
been $774,448. The assessment of Col
fax county foa 1892 was $332,042, this
year only $272,404. A correct apportldn-
ment would have given Colfax county
$468,300. Dawson county was credited
with railroad property assessed at
$569,025" ten years ago, this year only
$498,801. A correct assessment would
have given Dawson county $1,214,446.
Gage county was assessed ten years ago
$700,710, with thirteen miles more rail
road it was credited this year with
$763,042, when by rights it should have
been credited with $2,540,736. Further
comparisons would be superfluous.
In order to make these -proof s more
convincing still If such thing need be.
The Bee will print within a few days a
detailed exhibit by counties, the mileage
of the various railroads in each county,
present assessment per mile, true value
of the railroad property within each
ounty based on net earnings and rate at
which each railroad should be assessed
per mile. , "
It remains only for the voters of Ne-j
bra ska, and especially the taxpayers, to
see to It that the candidates of all par
ties shall be committed to. revenue law
revision and railroad tax reform.
'a HVHPLL't ,UF LABOR. ,v
It is stated that! there is more labor
In the anthracite coal fields than can at
present be employed, so that a consider
able number of the striking miners and
others who went out with them will not
Immediately return to worjt. The op
erators are not disposed to at once dis
miss the nonunion men who remained
with them during the strike, and besides
there are many collieries that are not In
condition now to be worked. Doubtless
when all preparations for resumption are
completed most of the union miners will
be reinstated and In the meantime those
who are not will be cared for by their
This is not an unexpected situation.
It was considered in the convention of
miners and was the cause of such oppo
sition as was made to the arbitration
plan. It Is a fact, however, that, there
was a surplus of labor In the anthracite
region before the Btrlke, and there prob
ably will be when mining Is fully re
sumed, or at auy rate when normal con
ditions in the market have been restored.
Careful investigators have pointed out
that there were more men at work in
and around the anthracite mines than
could be steadily employed, consequently'
the earnings of most of the men were
small and unsatisfactory. The high
priced men were steadily employed, but
the laborers lost nearly one-half of their
time because there were too many of
them competing for the same Job. For
this condition of affairs the operators
were chiefly responsible. One writer In
the anthracite coal Industry says that
the surplus labor is largely due to a
policy, designedly pursued by the op
erators whereby they might expect to
keep laborers in due subjection. "They
acted on the idea," says this writer,
"that employes could be better con
trolled, their tendency to combination
more effectually frustrated, and indus
trial friction, mors successful!, stasd, if
they were kept near the starvation point,
Irregular wages and a miserable exist
ence were their devices to quell all at
tempts of the mining employes to Insist
on their rights as nieu. They believed
the workmen could not stand prosperity
and that the peaceful operation of the
industry depended ou having a surplus
of cheap labor."
The operators should now be convinced
of the mistake of this policy, but how
shall a remedy be applied without In
flicting hardships upon many of the men
who are In the anthracite coal region?
That Is the perplexing question, but 't
would seem that sooner or later It will
have to be met and determined, other
wise there will be danger of a recur
rence of controversy and trouble. Per
haps the commission will be able to sug
gest a practicable plan for dealing with
the problem of surplus labor In the an
thracite coal fields.
THE BUGVS CLAIMANT.
For sublime assurance and monu
mental impudence commend us to our
nonresident, sixth-term candidate for
congress. As a great claimant be is
without a peer in all these United States.
Mercer's capacity as a claimant is em
bodied in a card that bears his face on
one side and a summary of claims on the
other. To be appreciated they, must be
studied and digested. To a man not fa
miliar with Nebraska's history for the
last ten years one would Imagine that
Mercer was the only man who repre
sented this state In congress and the
only man to whom the state and the dis
trict Is indebted for the appropriations
made in those ten years. What are. the
Mercer takes credit for the entire
$1,845,000 appropriated for the federal
building, when 'as a matter of fact
$1,200,000 of this amount had been se
cured by Congressman McShane and
Senator Manderson before Mercer en
Mercer claims all the credit for the
$200,000 appropriated for the Transmls
sisslppi exposition, when, as a matter of
fact, the exposition bill was introduced
by Senator Allen and pushed through
the senate by Allen and Thurston, and
would never have passed the house but
for the Influence exerted by the Ne
braska senators and the exposition man
agers Mercer claims credit for the $40,000 ap
propriated for the Indian congress, but,
as a matter of fact, the bill introduced
and put through the senate by Senator
Allen was stalled In the house and given
up by Mercer until the chairman and six
members of the Indian committee had
been converted by Influences outside of
Mercer claims the entire credit of
$250,000 for Missouri river Improve
ments, made chiefly for the benefit of the
railroads, when,- as a matter of fact
whatever credit is due belongs as much
to the senators who represented Ne
braska during the last tea years as to
Mercer claims credit for the $250,000
for Improvements expended at Fort
Crook, when, as a matter of fact the ap
propriations were secured through the
Influence of Senator Manderson and en
tirely regardless of the chairman of the
house committee on public buildings.
Mercer has the sublime cheek to claim
credit for the building of the Carnegie
library at South Omaha. He might as
well claim credit for the Omaha public
library building or the auditorium.
Mercer claims credit for the appropria
tions made by congress for the $131,000
appropriated toward the construction of
postofHces at Has tings, Norfolk and Lin
coln. Where do Congressman Burkett
and Senator Dietrich come in? Burkett
is a member of the appropriations com
mittee and could have secured the ap
propriation for Lincoln no matter who
was the chairman of the building com
mittee. Senator Dietrich secured the
appropriation for Hastings because he
lives there and had some influence in
If . Mercer is entitled to credit for all
these appropriations now does It come
that Wyoming, with only one congress
man, secured more appropriations from
the last congress than Nebraska with
six congressmen? How does it come
that the congressman from St. Louis,
Sir. Barthold, secured over $6,000,000 ap
propriations this year for St Louis, al
though be Is not chairman of the com
mittee on public buildings? And how
does it come that the District of Colum
bia, where Mercer owns his residence,
without any representation in congress
secured ten times as much for public
buildings as Nebraska?
Crediting Mercer with the full amount
of appropriations to which he la entitled,
namely, about $1,700,000 In ten years, or
less than $200,000 a year, he has nothing
to brag of in comparison with congress
men from other states. But Mercer has
According to the great claimant's card
he secured five branch postofHces for
Omaha while Manderson, Thurston and
Millard were looking on. He secured
military training In the Omaha High
school when high schools in all the other
large cities enjoy the' same privilege.
and Omaha Is paying for its military
trainers. He has allowed rural free de
livery routes to be established In this
district snd so has every other con
gressman In his district with Uncle Sam
footing the bills.
Last but not feast Mercer claims to
be officially endorsed by business men's
associations, farmers' clubs and tradel
unions, but falls to say why or where
fore. He claims by the card to have
voted for an anti-trust bill In congress,
but does not explain why the allied rail
roads and the allied trusts have exerted
all their Influence and power to bring
about his renomlnatlon for a sixth term.
The coal operators demanded that one
of the arbitrators should be a "sociol
ogist," and accordingly President Roose
velt appointed E. E. park of Iowa under
that head,- Jiow the tatara oers art
NEBRASKA RAILROAD ASSESSMENTS
What They Have Been -What
. Ba-A Startling
Aatelope .... T2.3T
Blaine ....... Jg.40
Be Dllt 42.3.1
Brows ...... .. 28.8
Cheyenne .... ft.ft.32
Colfax ........ 43.43
Caster ........ 81.13
Fillmore ..... 127.86
Franklin . . . . 40.34
Frontier ...... 82.18
Hamilton .... 66.83
Hitchcock m . . 40.16
Jefferson .... 105.83
Johnson ...... 88.40
Kearney ..... 70.81
Lancaster .... 200.04
Knckolla ..... 140.22
Pawnee , 87.10
Phelps ....... '45.80
Pierce ....... 50.30
Red Willow.. 'tO.46
Richardson ' , An.BO
Rock ........ 03.12
Sallae ........ 0.8
Saanders ..... 85.80
Sherman ..... 67.37
Tharston' ..... 10.88
Washington .. 53.40
Total . . . ,
Averse aaseasment per mile,
Average assessment per mile,
Fairly assessed, weald be
discussing what a sociologist really Is.
But If they will turn to John Fisk's
booli entitled "The Evolutionist," they
will find the thing set forth as clear
as the noonday "un, as follows: "The
student of sociology assumes as data the
general and undisputed facts of human
nature, and with the aid of all such
concrete facts as he can get from history
he constructs his theory of the general
course of evolution." Anybody can thus
see what the sly corporations were
There Is a very general curiosity en
tertained as to what proportion of the
amounts Omaha mine speculators and
street railway magnates have t$ked In
by the sales of their properties to eastern
syndicates will be spent for enterprises
The packing combine Is now about
ready to extend Its operations. The
principal direction of the extension. It
may be presumed, will be the floating
of Its securities. There has for years
been an ironclad understanding among
the big packers affecting the essential
matters of the Industry.
Ahead of the Procession.
St. Louis Globe-Democrat.
The Industry of President Roosevelt is
remarkable. He has already done most
of bis work for 1904.
Recalllac the Geed Old Days.
At aay. rate, tbe talk of Mr. Olney and
Mr. Cleveland will tend to remind tbe de
mocracy of tbs better times It enjoyed be
fore It waa made tbe adjunct of tbe lectur
ing and publishing business.
Maeh Cry Over Little Wool.
Philadelphia North American.
Compared wltb England's mining industry
tbe anthracite business of Psnnsylvanla Is
a small affair to have made sock a tremen
dous row. Our anthracite mines produce
about 60.000.000 tons a year. Last year
England exported te Hamburg alone 1,111.
000,000 tons of coal. '
Let It Om at That.
San Francisco CalL
Admiral Crowlnshleld announces there la
no truth la the report that ke Intends to
retire, and so another pleasing hope vaa
Ukea Uh the glee af aatuaaa leaves. The
Thay Are What They Should
Array of Figures.
.... 820,580,502.70 852.803,002.55
admiral continues to Insist, bqwever, that
his name shall bs pronounced "Crunshell,"
so we can shorten tbs name it not the
A StartllntT Theacht.
The report that an eminent physician
might have discovered a virus that would
form an antidote for all diseases Is nat
urally awakening a great deal of interest
ia the ranks of tbs medical profession.
That one of their comrades would do any
thing that would make them useless mem
bers of the community is a startling thought
A Lone Felt Want.
Sleeping cars are to be run on tbe trol
ley line between Detroit and Cleveland.
Our local electric systems do not stand ia
need of sucb equipment, but a hospital
car with surgeons and trained nurses
aboard could do a large business at pretty
nearly every intersection of east-and-west
and nortb-and-south lines two or three
times a week.
Valcar Display an Irritant.
Wealthy people, living decent Uvea and
dispensing their means with self-respecting
discretion, are a boon to tbe needy and
Industrious within the horlxon of their In
fluence. But mere vulgar display and
stupid wastefulness create an entourage of
pampered Insolence fully as mischievous as
tbe coarse ostentation tbat promotes and
nourishes it. Honest men who labor In le
gitimate occupations are merely infuriated
by tbe spectacle of highly paid flunkey
who superintend dog lunches and monkey
matinees. Tbey recognise In sucb func
tions the degradation of labor and their
hearts grow hot against tbe millionaires
who patronise such parodies on manhood.
Law aad the Beef Trnst.
Tbe beef trust doesn't appear to be
afraid of Knox, and, to do him Justice,
tbe attorney general doesn't appear to be
much afraid of tbe beef trust. The sit
uation Is not unlike tbat set forth by a
showman who was dilating on tbe merits
of a picture he bad on exhibition repre
senting Daniel In tbs lions' dea. "Thst fel
low with tbe cotton umbrella under, bis
arm." be explained to his audience. Is
Daniel. Tou will see tbat Daniel does
not care a bawbee for tbe Hon; and by
looking clust you'll Bad tbs lion doesn't
care a cuss for blra." The people are "look
ing clust" at tbs moves of tbe government
and tbe beef trust, but they sea so evi
dence of tremor and no particular falling
off la tke price ef steaks aad ckeps.
A NOTAM.K FRKriCDF.1T.
Action of rresldeat Roosevelt la the
It was the latent power and majesty of
the government of tbe United 8tates tbat
Invoked patriotism as a means to peace.
It as the president's snpesl which proved
to be irresistible; It was tbe government,
in the perron of the president, who accom
plished peace. And thereby was estab
lished a precedent which will stand hon
ored and observed In all surh matters of
momentous popular concern as long as the
republic itself ehsll stand. Men may look
In vain through law and history to And a
precedent of greater Importance, more
valuable, worthier of being followed than
that which President Roosevelt created
when In his wise and brave old sincerity
of patriotism, he, by tbe unassalled dignity
of bis office, and tbe power of tbe gov
ernment for which It stands, moved the
leaders in tbe prolonged struggle to settle
With tbe making of this precedent a new
and potent force of Inestimable worth has
been added to our political Institutions and
a new Influence for peace has been estab
lished. They stand for the ending of quar
rels, for the laying down of arms by con
testants whose contentions adversely affect
the general good.
The functions of government should all
be beneficent, but tbe Public Ledger can
conceive of none of tbem which can be
more beneficent than that of intervention
for the amicable settlement of quarrels of
such vast magnitude as to not only inflict
loss and suffering upon the people, but
which threaten tbe very foundations of
organized society. President Roosevelt has
eetsbllBhed this wholesome precedent of ar
bitration as a law to which every loyal,
patriotic citizen should at once yield cheer
Eqaltable Dlstrlbntloa of the Water
Supply of First Importance.
New York Independent.
Operations for carrying into effect the
new national irrigation law have begun.
The initial steps, consist of surveys, meas
urements and estimates, with tbe accom
panying withdrawal from homestead entrj
of millions of acres in the semi-arid regloa
which it is expected will be benefited by
the law's procedure. Eastern investors
who have spent large sums developing Irri
gation properties alopg western streams too
meager for the demands that may be made
upon tbem are anxious; settler under these
ditches are likewise worried. The Arkansaa
river, for Instance, waters a rich territory
in eastern Colorado, making It blossom as
the rose, but the stream is so thoroughly
drained in the process that It enter Kan
sas a six-foot brook wandering through a
half mile wide expanse of drifting sand.
The status of the Platte as Its branches
enter Nebraska is similar and there ar other
examplee, the results of irrigation's de
velopment. Supposing an attempt la made
to equalize the water supply of thesd rivers
among tbe states through which they pass,
what is to become of the ditch properties
now only fairly nourished? Indications are,
however, that this will not be undertaken
at present. The money from the sale of
government land In the semi-arid section,
which is to be the basis of the appropria
tion, will be used at first to sink artesian
wells where possible, to establish reser
voirs tbat may impound the surface waters
and to utilize In a larger measure the rain
fall now vouchsafed. These are the sensi
ble things to do, for tbey will demonstrate
tbe possibility of adding te the fertile area
of the west without robbing those portions
already making satisfactory progress. The
results of these experiments will be
watched with keen Interest by two large
classes Investors and would-be settlers.
They are' of much importance to both.
President Mitchell will now have to yield
in tbe public eye to the man who Invents a
new foot ball play.
James Albert Washington Green of Not
toway county, Virginia, who had seven sons
who fought with bim in the confederate
army, Is still living.
Hon. Alfred Davles, a Liberal member of
the British parliament, is in St. Louis for
the purpose of investigating the exposition
conditions and prospects with a view for
tbe proper commercial display of his coun
try. In tbe colleges which give course l mu
nicipal administration the professors should
not overlook tbe wonderful feat of the New
York police captain, who, with a salary of
$2,750 a year, could lay by more than $100,
000 In ten years.
Wu Tlngfang Is to be tbe guest of Raw
lins post, Orand Army of the Republic, at
Minneapolis in December. Governor Van
Bant of Minnesota will preside over a ban
quet to be given in Wu's honor, after which
the Chinese diplomat will make an address
in the opera house.
Thomas F. Ryan of New York, who has
given a new cathedral to cost $250,000 to
Richmond, Vs., Is one of a group of multi
millionaires who are Identified with the
grest street railroad systems and which In
cludes ex-Secretary Whitney, W. U Elklns
and P. A. B. Wldener.
The duke de Loubat, who has come to
New York to attend the congress of Ameri
canists, is trying to induce some American
publisher to bring out an English transla
tion of the manuscript of Brother Bemsrdo
Sahagun, relating to tbe pre-Columbian his
tory of Mexico, which has lain for reutnries
in tbe Library Lorenciana Medici, in Flor
ence. A little red. a little white,
oneway. Here's a better :
Take Ayer's Sarsaparilla.
and rich. You know the rest: red cheeks, steady
nerves, good digestion, restful sleep, power to endure.
Keep the bowels reeular with Averts Pill . tKiJ
will greatly aid the Sarsaparilla. Two grand family
medicines. Keep them on hand. j. a aytb co.. lowu. xass.
TUB FOINTAIN OF 101T11.
Lone Felt Waat Discovered by at
F.dltorlal Ponce de Leon.
Ever since the days of Ponce d Leoi
men have been searching for the fountain
of youth. The desire to live forever, to
retain youth through endless sees, Is a.s
strong now as it waa when tbe hnrdy nil
Spaniard went roaming over "the wild and
woolly southland." Kllxlra of life have
come and gone, each with Its short-lived
vogue, and still the quest tor the source
of youth eternal goes on. It Is an alluring
pursuit Its promises are so delightful. Its
possibilities, should it terminate success
fully, so attractive that tbere is no flagging
pf test. Youth happy, bounding, exuber
ant youth! ia the quarry, and the gnmo
Is well worth the candles tbat are burned
In the cbaso.
Strange that nan has hunted so long
and laboriously for this fountain of youth.
If only you know. It Is easy to find. Ponce
de Leon .could not find It because he lived
too soon; It did not exist In his day. It
hides in no dense wilderness, lurks not in
tbe center of any great morass. Is not
guarded by demons in hideous shapes, nor
doe It gush forth sparkling elixirs. We
have discovered it when so many failed.
We found It quite by accident, in a dull,
low, red-brick and gravel-roofed building,
filled with noisy clerks. The only real
fountains it possesses are commonplace hy
drants that flow liquid mud. It Is in
Washington, and over Its doers are the
words, "U. S. Census bureau."
A abort time ago tbe Census bureau Is
sued a population age statement, showing
tbat whereas the medium age of the Amer
ican people that age at which one-half
are over and one-half under it waa 15.4
years in the year 1810, it bad Increased to
22.4 in 1900. The causes of this Incresse
are stated thus:
"The rapid progress of medical snd san
itary science, which has tended to in
crease the average length of life; ths de
crease In the relative number of children
born, which has made the earlier age
periods less preponderant numerically in
tbe total population, and the Influx, espe
cially since 1840, of great numbers of adult
immigrants, increasing the number in the
older age periods." '
Now for our discovery. We hold that the
Census bureau Is the real fountain of
youth, because It ha shown exactly how
life in America i being lengthened. Ac
cording to its calculations. It will, as we
figure it. only be a matter of 11.730 years
before the median age of the American
people will equal the age of Methuselah, '
beyond which even Pone de Leon would
hardly have cared to live. The Census
bureau proves it by facts and figures tbat
youth Is being prolonged at the rate ot
five-sixths of one year. every decade. As
a fountain, It is still aomewhat backward,
but if it only holds on and keeps its causes
active the people who live 120 centuries
hence will be youthful a good long while.
And having enriched the world by this
promise of perpetual youth to our progeny
860 times removed, we think the Census
bureau should now save Its energies for
the work it will have to do in the year
13632 A. D.
FLASHES OF FIN.
Detroit Free Press: "How energetically
they play," said Mrs. Hojack, who waa
watching a foot ball game with her hus
band. "Yes." added Mr. Holack. "They kick
while the gridiron is hot.
Philadelphia Catholic Standard: "Colonel,"
asked the northern undertaker, "do you
people of the south believe In cremation?"
"Sometimes, suh," replied the CVilonel,
"when we think plain lynchln' . wouldn't
begin to fit the crime, suh." ,
Brooklyn Life: Yellow Editor I see you
denounce that last police shake-up story
as a lie.
New Reporter Yes, sir.
"Well, I want to caution vou that when
denouncing any story as a lie you want to
be careful that It did not originate with
New York Sun: Ills Reverence What,
Mrs. Flynn, washing on Sunday?
Mrs. Klynn Sure, an' wasn't It yer Rlv
erence thot towld us thot cleanliness was
nlxt f hollnesx? Ol'ra only makln' a hum
ble effort t' git next, yer Rlverlnce.
Chicago Tribune: "Have a good time
when you want on that big secret society
"Yes, only we got our grips pretty badly
Philadelphia Press: "See here." she said,
"Just tell that clerk I can't wait. I've got
to catch a train, and he'a been gone fully
ten minutes looking for a pair of shoes for
"Pardon, madam," replied the floor
walker, "but the smaller the size the
harder It Is to find, you knftw." .
"Well er If he 11 hurry a little I'll watt
for the next train."
WHEN THE MULLAH IS MAD.
O, Tommy Tommy Atkins take our quiet
Don't monkey wtth the mullah when he's
He's a tough old proposition and a nasty
man to whip.
And he'll put you. Tommy Atkins, to the
He has his lucid moments, when you may
approach him, and
There are moments when he'd rather be
When he gets the crasy notion that his
Isn't hitched securely' to the British
O Atklna Tommy Atkins of your prowess
. And we know you're always Tommy on
But, Atkins, of this mullah you are chas
ing have a care
He's tbe maddest, maddest mullah of the
When he gets the craxy notion of his
country's ownerehlp '
His case of grouch Is very, very bad
So Tommy Tommy Atkins take our quiet
little tip: ,
Don't monkey with the mullah when he's
delicately blended. ThaiR
It makes the blood
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