November 20 , 1899. OMAHA ILLUSTRATED BEE. 5
A Bunch of Short Stories
Hero Is a chap from Iowa who goca the
Hod and Gun contributors ono bettor and
raises the limit on fish stories : "Wo wet
our lines In Shell Hock river , a few miles
below Cedar Falls , and caught a catfleh
that weighed 100 pounds. Being without
llsh , flesh or fowl at the camp wo put a
polo through Its gills and shouldered It
half a mlle for dinner. On opening It wo
found that It had swallowed a smaller cat
that weighed about fifteen pounds , so wo
said we'd eat the latter for dinner Instead
of the big follow , as It was perfectly fresh.
But when wo opened number 2 there was
a still smaller cat In Its gullet , ono that
weighed flvo pounds , and as the party con
sisted of only three , wo niado n dinner on
that. I have abundant witnesses. "
Ex-Governor John A. Wise , formerly of
Virginia , but now n resident of Now York ,
occasionally visits Washington. Ho Is
MRS. JOHN M. THURSTON , NEWLY WED
WIFE OF SENATOR THURSTON.
there now. Governor Wise has opinions
about prominent men and live Issuce which
ho never hesitates to express , relates the
Chicago Post. Ho does not like "Lem"
Qulgg , who Is Senator Plait's lieutenant In
New York.
"No , " he said to a group of listeners , "I
do not enjoy Qulgg. He reminds mo of a
shaggy , awkward dog I once owned. Ho
was a cross between a spaniel and a New
foundland. Ho was cither always under foot
and In the way , or else jumping Into the
water for the sake of shaking himself over
people. "
Governor Wise also has a live stock figure
of speech to fit his vlow about Colonel
Bryan.
"Tho colonel Is an amiable gentleman
and a great orator , " observed the cx-Vlr-
glnlan , "but he makes mo think of my old
neighbor 13111 Andrews' finest horse. Ho
was a noble animal , high bred , spirited and
full of ginger , but when It came to running
ho was never good for anything except to
como In eccond. "
The present fashion among men of wearing
the face smooth has given rlso to many em
barrassing situations , reports a Washington
letter. A new member of congress frcm the
scuthwcet who not only wenra no beard , but
In common with most of his colleagues In
that part of the country affects the clerical
garb , was an unwilling actor In an amusing
cplsodo the other day about which It is
doubtful If ho ever hears the last. Ono of
the most noted flower merchants In town Is
a venerable , lltlo old woman , with eyes an
bright as a squirrel's and face as wrinkled
as n winter npplo , who peddles her wares
on the street. Ono day last week this wee
body was seen to rush frantically across the
avenue to a tall , slender , Einoi th-shaven
person , the new member from the southwest.
In fact , and thrusting a .handsome hunch of
rcscs in his hand , she stood before him ns
though waiting for something. "Why do you
glvo mo thcso flowers , my good woman ? "
asked the embarrassed member of congress.
"What shall I pay you for them ? " thinking ,
evidently , to purchase them was the easiest
way out of the dllllculty. "Oh ! nothing ,
nothing , your reverence , " protested the
flower woman , "only your blccslng for g"od
lurk" ; and , falling upon her knees In front
of the astonished politician , elio bent her
head In expectancy.
At an agricultural show In Dublin a
pompous member of parliament , who arrived
late , found himself on the outskirts of a
largo crowd , relates the Dublin Independent.
Being anxious to obtain n gocd view for
himself and some lady friends who accom
panied him , and , presuming that he was well
known to the spectators , ho tapped a burly
coal porter on the shoulder and peremptorily
ordered :
"Mako way there ! "
"Who are ye pushln' ? " was the unexpected
response.
"Do you know who I am. sir ? " cried the
Indignant M. P. "I'm a representative of
the people ! "
"Yah ! " growled the porter , "but we're the
blooinln * people themselves ! "
A Washington raconteur tells the following
on Senator Stewart. The senator was evi
dently In a "stringing" mood when ho re
lated his early experiences In the Nevada
mining camps :
"When I was a young fellow , " he began ,
"I was very strong and active and was
famous throughout tbo camps on account of
my abilities as a runner. Wo used then to
have Caledonian games Sundays , and at
short distance sprints I defeated all comers.
Finally , after having beaten all the local
champions , no ono could bo found to run
against me , and therefore , in order to get
up matches , a peculiar form of competition
was hit upon , and one that I have never
seen tried elsewhere. Being a gymnast as
well as a runner I could , of course , turn
handsprings with great ease , and on account
of my great height I covered a long stretch
of ground with each handspring. This led
to my being matched in short sprints of
from fifty to 100 yards , I to turn hand
springs while my opponent did straight run
ning. "
Hero the senator paused , but an awestricken -
stricken listener managed to stammer out :
; s-iW5 5p ; jg5Sf 3S
Ww > Y' ' .j ? i * israW.iWl'v 'i iWS ! " * p * i&nJn
GENERAL SIR REDVERS DULLER AND FIELD MARSHAL GAHNUT JOSEPH WOLSELEY REVIEWING THE SCOTCH
GUARDS BEFORE THEIR DEPARTURE FOR SOUTH AFRICA Copyright by S. S. McClure Permission London "Army
and Navy. "
"Did did you over win any of these races ,
senator ? "
"My boy , " replied the free silver apostle ,
"on a perfectly level ground It used to be nip
and tuck ; with an up grade the handicap
was always too much for mo , but with n
slight down grade I Invariably finished
first. "
Assistant Secretary of State Thomas W.
Crldlcr , In the discharge of his diplomatic
duties , has crossed the ocean probably more
times than any other oulclal In that branch
of the national government. On one voyage
ho made the acquaintance of a traveling
salesman whoso companlonablllty was
marred by curiosity , relates the Philadelphia
Post.
"Traveling on business like myself , I sup
pose ? "
Yes. " '
'What line of goods ? "
'Papers. "
'Wall , writing or printing ? "
'Papers for cabinets. "
'Humph , I thought cabinet-makers used
only wood , steel and brass ! "
"Most of them do , " and the diplomat
began to speak of other things.
Stories About Preachers
iA .London paper tells a new story of
Father Stanton of London. Bishop Crolgh-
ton not long ago visited his church , St.
Alban's , High Hoi born. Immediately after
the service which he attended was over he
made several attempts to 'talk ' with him ,
but 'the ' wily father talked BO incessantly of
RED OAK ( la. ) HIGH SCHOOL FOOT BALL TEAM.
himself that It was Impossible to get a word
in edgeways When seated In his carriage ,
however , the bishop nmmiKiM to say : "I
llko your service , Staniton , lint 1 don't llko
your Incense. " "Very sorry , my lord , very
sorry , " rejoined Father Stnnton , "hut It's
the best I can get for the money 3s Gd per
pound ! "
Betty illaran of Thrunnmm was a very
pious old 'Mothodlst ' , relates MaMumm In the
Philadelphia Post. Father Dan often
dropped into Betty's for a gossip. "Betty , "
said Father .Dan , "I always find you stuck
In your iBlblo. Now , tell mo truly , do you
understand It all ? " "Of cmirso I do , " In
dignantly. "Well , well. 1'vo been studyIng -
Ing ifall my life , and I don't understand lit
all yet. " "An1 If yer reverence Is a block
head , do yo think ovary \van else llko yor-
self ? "
The Cleveland Plain Dealer tolls this story
of itho Virginia backwoods : A white minis
ter after conducting services at ft colored
church asked an old deacon to lead In
prayer. The dusky brother In his fervent
appeal asked thoit a shower of heavenly
grace ho permitted to fall upon his white
friend. Ho said : "Oh , Lor' , glvo
him do eye of do eagle dot ho may
spy out our sins afar off ! Weld his
ban's to do gospel plough ; tlo his tongue < ode
do lines of truf nn' nail his oar to do gospel
polo ! iAn' , oh Lor' , bow his hald way down
ah ! bohln' his knees , an' his knees way
down ah In some lonesome dark an' narrow
valley , oh 'Lor' ' , whar much prayer Is needed
to bo made ah ! Den 'nolnt him ovah wld
do blcsBol llo of do kerosene of salvation , an'
sot him on fiah wld do match of fal'th ' made
perfect' amen ! "
Blwhop Gallop , the "Protestant Episcopal
head of the diocese of Tennessee , ments
many curious characters during his walks
through that state , among whom arc numer
ous evidences of Charles Egbert Crndd-ck'H
truth to nature. Ho relates that upon ono
occasion , while taking a solitary tramp
through the mountain.1 * , ho came , suddenly
upon 11 typical "cracker" who sat aimlessly
whittling a stick you see that habit Is not
confined to Yankees- ! the piinny doorway
of his tumble-down rabln. The bishop In
troduced himself. The "cracker" did not at
first seem inclined to talk. There was , for
a few moments , rather embarrassing sllonno.
Then the rustic shifted his quid , spat ,
glanced at the bishop out of the corner of
his eye and dollbtmitely began : "Wall ,
stranger , so you're a preacher , bo you ? Wall ,
ivo don't know much about them
around here , but wo did hov ouo fioro a law
woolca ago who got people worked up p wor-
ful like. 1 went to hear him ono night and
I quit after ho prayed , Ho wiw a big , power
ful feller llku yourself , parson , six foul ( nil
and nigh ns big 'round. lie had lungs that
made tlio mountain shako whun hu hollered.
I listened to h ! Harmon , or what ho called
a sermon , and then heard him pray , llo
got sorter hysterical llko , I reckon , and In
his prayer ho kept yollln' , ' 0 , God , give im
power. Glvo us power. Glvo us power. ' I
sod to Sue : 'I reckon what that there follor
needs ain't power but Ideas. ' " This fable
teaches that the lute > lllgont critics are by no
means confined to the Intelligent classes.
Artistic Electro-Plating
The Omaha Plating
Company Is assum
ing a prominent po
sition among Omaha's
most enterprising es
tablishments. Seven
teen years' oxpurl-
unco In some of tha
largest plutlng fac
tories of the United
States gives the pro
prietor , Mr. Louts
Slavln , the honor of
being claused with
the most successful
. , . . .r and reliable men of
LOUIS SLAVIN.
the CUntry , „ thl8
line of work. Cnroful attention Is given to
plating and polishing gold , silver , nickel and
copper , and their specialties are In artistic
and fancy platings. Mr. Slavln would ho
glad to have you cull and Investigate hlB
work. Bee building , 17th street entrance.
"Made to Marry"
Chicago Post : "Here's a woman , " she
said , looking up from the paper , "who com
plains In : i riiiit for divorce that she was
made to inurry. "
"Aren't an women made to marry ? " he
asked innocently.
"Mario to imirry ! " she exclaimed , "I'd
llko to HUO any ono make mo "
" Ah , but you are already made , " ho In
terrupted , "and I think you wore made to
marry. There may bo exceptions , hut cer
tainly all pretty women are made primarily
for that purpoHc , "
All she could say was , "Oh , George ! " and
the thing was as good ns settled ,
CONDITION. Only pin thliXiirobcred
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