Nebraska Newspapers

    12 THE OMAHA DAILY BEE : SUNDAY { , JANUARY 3 , 1892-STXTEEN PAGES.
IIII CiPAflTT IP A imi ,
BY MARK TWAIN.
[ CoM/figlttcd tyl the Anther _
TIME would como when wo
must go from Atx-les-
Iltutics to Cloiiova , and
from tholico , by u series of
onK anil tniiRlod Jour-
to Bnyrouth in Ho-
varia. I should have to
liavo a courier , of course , to
toke cnro of so considerable
a party as inlno.
But I procruitlnntcd , Tlio tltno sllnpcd
along , and ut Inst I wolco up one day to the
fact that wo were ready to raovo and had no
courier , 1 then resolved upon what I felt was
* foolhardy thing , but 1 was In tlio humor of
It , I said I would iimko tlio 11 rat stupo with
out help and 1 did It.
I brought the party from Alx to Oonova for
myself four peoplo. The distance was two
hours and more , and there was ono dian o of
cars. There was not an accident ot any
kind , except loaVlni ; a valise and Homo other
matters on the platform , a thing which can
hardly b3 cultod an accident , it U so common.
So I offered to conduct the party all the wity
to Bayrouth.
This was a blunder , though It did not seem
so at the time. There was more detail than
I thought there would bo ; 1. Two parsons
whom wo had loft In a Gonovnn pension seine
woolcs before , must bo collected and brought
to the hotel ; 2. I must notify tlio people on
the Urund Quay who store minks to bring
Boron of our stored trunks to the hotel and
carry back seven which they would lied piled
In the lobby ; n. I must find out what part of
Europe llayreuth was In , and buy seven rail
way tickets far that point ; 4. I must send a
telegram to a friend in the Netherlands ; 5.
It was now 2 o'clock in the afternoon , and wo
must look sharp and bo ready for the first
night train and mulco sure of sleeping-car
tickets ; C. I must draw money at the bank.
It scorned to mo that the sleeping-car tick
ets must bo the most Important thing , so 1
wont to the station myself to inalio sure ;
hotel messoiiKors are not always hrislc peoplo.
It was n hot day , and I ought to have driven ,
but it seemed bettor economy to wolit. It did
not turn out so , because I lost my way and
troblcri tbo distance. I applied for the tlclt-
ots , and they asked mo whicn route 1 wanted
to go by , and that embarrassed mo and made
mo lose my head , there were so many pconlo
standing a'round , and I cot knowing abouttho
routes arid not supposing thcro were going
to bo two ; so I Judged it best to go back
and map out the road and como ogaiu.
I took a cab this time , hut on my way up
stairs at thu hotel I romotnbcrod that I was
out of cigars , DO 1 thought it would bo well
to got some while the matter was In my
mind. It wai only around the corner and 'l
didn't need the cab. I asked the c.ibman to
waitwboro ho was. Thinking of the toleeram
and trying to word It in my hcad.Iforgottho
h
"I can't leave you sleeping here all dav. '
cigars and the cab and walkou on indefin
itely. I was going to have tbo hotel people
send the telegram , but us I could not bo far
from the postofllco by this time , I thought I
would do it mytolf. But it was further than
I had supposed. I found the pluco at last
and wrote the telegram and bunded it in.
The clerk was a severe looking , lldgety man ,
and he began to flro-Frcnch questions at mo
17 In'such a liquid form that I could not detect
17v the Joints between his words and this
made mo lese my head again. But an Bug- ,
v lishman stepped up and said the clerk wanted'
to know where ho was to send the telegram.
I could not toll him because it was not my
telegram , and I explained that I was merely
sending it for n member of my party. But
nothing would pacify the clerk but the ad
dress ; so I said If ho was so particular I
would go bacit and get it.
However , I thought I would go nnd collect
these lacking two persons Ilrst , lor it would
ho best to do everything systematically end
and in order , uud opo detail at a time. 'Then
I remembered the cab was outing up my sub
stance down at the hotel yonder ; so I called
another cab , and told tbn man to go down
nnd fetch it to the postolUco and wait till I
camo. '
I had a long hot walk to collect these
people , and when I got there they couldn't
como with mo because they had heavy
atchols and must have a cab. I wont awny
to find one , but before I ran across any I no
ticed that J had reached the neighborhood of
the Grand Quay at least I thought I had
BO I Judged I could save tlmo by stopping
around and arranging about the trunks. I
itoppod uround about a tnllo , and although I
did not find the 11 rand Quay , 1 found a cigar
hop and remembered about the cigars. I
laid I was going to Bayiouth , and want d
enough for the Journey. The man asked mo
nhiebrouto I was going to tuko. I said I
did not know. He said ho would recommend
mo to co by Zurich and various other places
which ho named , and offered to soli mo seven
locond-class through tickets for $13 apiece ,
which would bo throwing off the discount
which the railroads allowed him. I was al
ready tired of riding second-class ou first-
class tickets , no I took him up.
By and by I found Natural & Co.'S storage
otllco , nnd told thorn to send seven of our
trunks to the hotel and pllo them up In the
lobby. It seemed to mo that I was not deliv
ering the whole of the message , still it was
all I could find in my head.
Next I found the bank and asked for some
money , but I had loft ray letter ot credit
Bomewhcro ana was not nblo to draw. I ra-
inomborod now that I must have loft it lying
ou the tublo where I wrote my tolt'gratn ; so
I got u cab und drove to the postomco and
wont up stairs , and they said , tbut a letter of
credit hud Indeed boon loft ou the table , but
that it was now in the hands of the police
authorities and it would bo necessary for mo
to fo there nnd provo property. They sent a
boy with ma and wo wont out the book way
mid walked a couple of miles nnd found the
place ; and then I remembered ubout my cabs
ind asked tha boy to send them to mo when
bo got back to the postoRloo. It was night
fall now and the mayor had gene to dinner.
I thought 1 would BO to dinner myself , but
the onlcor on duty thought differently and I
stayed. The mayor dropped in at half past
10. but snul it wns too late to do anything to
night como at 0:30 : in the morning. The
ottlcor wanted to keep mo all night and said
I WDS a suspicious looking person and prob
ably did not own the letter of credit and
didn't know what a letter of credit was , but
merely saw the real owner leave it lying on
the tame nnd wanted to cot it because I woi
probably a person who would want anything
bo could got , whether It was valuable or not.
But the mayor said ho saw nothing sus
picious about mo and that I' coined u harm-
lest person und nothing the matter with mo
but a wumlonng tnlud , and not much of that.
Bo I thanked him and bo sot mo frco , and I
went home In my three cabs.
A * I was doc-tired nnd In no condition to
intvrer questions with discretion , I thought
1 would not disturb the expedition nt that
tlmo of night , as there was a vacant room I
knew of ut the other end of the hall , but I
did not quito arrive there , aa a watch hud
boon sot , tha expedition being anxious about
Die , I was placed in n galling situation.
The expedition sat stiff and forbidding on
four chair * In a row , with shawl * and things
all on , satchels and guide-books In lap. 'Jtiny
h.id boon sitting Ilka that lor four houn , nnd
the Rltw going down all the ttmo. Yes , and
tboy were walling-waiting for mo. It
Renmod to mo tbut nothing but a sudden ,
happily contrived nnd brilllar.t tour do force
rould broik this Iron front nnd nmlto u
diversion In my fiver ; RO I shied my hat
Into thu nrenn , and followed It with a skip
mul n jump , shouting hllthclv :
"Hn , hu , hero wo ure , Mr. Morr.vman. "
Nothing could ho doonnr or stllUr tlinii the
nbioncoof ujiphuisc which followed. Bull
kept on ; Ihoru soeuii'd no nthcr wav , though
my conlldenco , pier onotmh before , had got a
deadly chock and was In olTect gouc.
I triad to bo jocund out of a heavy ho.irt.
1 tried to touch the other hearts there nnd
softe'i the bitter ro < entuiont In these faces
by throwing oft bright and airy fun und
malting of the whole gtmitly thing a Joy
ously humorous incident , but thlt Idea wus
nut well conceived. It wan not tlio right
atmosphere for it. I got not one smile ; not
ono line In these offended faces relaxed. I
thawed nothing of the winter that looked
outof thoio frosty ovos. 1 started one more
breezy , poor effort' , but the held of the oxpo-
dltlou out Into the contar ot It and said :
"Whoro have you iiconi"
I sim by the manner ol this , that the Idea
was to got down to cold business now. So I
begun my travels , but was cut short nsaln.
"Whoro are the two others 1 Wo have been
In frightful nnxietv ubout them. "
' Oh , they're , alt rietit. I was to fetch a
cab. 1 will go straight off , and "
"Sit down I Don't you know It Is 11
o'clock ? \ \ how did you leave them ! "
"At the pension. "
"Why dldn'tyou bring thoml"
"Because wo couldn't carry the sntchcM.
And su I thought , "
' Thought ! You should not try to think
Ono cannot think , without the proper ma
chinery. It is two inilos to that pension. Did
you go there without n cabs"
"I well , I didn't Intend to , It only hap
pened 30. "
"How did It happen sol"
"Because I was at the post onico and I
remembered that I nnd loft n. cab walling
here , and so to stop that expense I sout an
other cab to to "
"To whatl"
"Well , I don't remember now , but I think
the now cob wus to have the hotel piy the
old cab , nnd send it uway. "
"Whntgood would ihatdof"
"What peed would it doi It would slop
thn expense , wouldn't it ( "
"By putting the now cab In us place to
continue the oxpnnso ! "
I didn't suy anything.
"Why didn't you have the now cab come
baelt for you t"
"Oh , that is what I did. I rotncmbar now.
Yes , that Is what I did. Because I recollect
that when 1 "
'Well , then , why didn't it como back for
you ? "
"To the post onico ? Whv , it did. "
"V.ery well , then , how did vou como to
walk to the pension ? "
"I I don't quite romotnbor how that hap
pened. Oh , yes , I do remember , now. I
wrote the dispatch to send to the Nether
lands , nnd "
"Oh , thank goodness , you did accomplish
something ! 1 wouldn't have haJ you fail tn
send what mak < H you look lllco that ? You
are trying to avoid mv eyea. That dUpa'rb
Is the most important thing thut you
haven't sent that dispatch ! "
"I haven't said I didn't send U. "
"You don't need to , Uh , dear , I wouldn't
have had that telegram fail for anything.
Whv didn't you send 111"
"Woll , you see , with so manv things to do
and think of , I they're very particular there ,
and after I hud written the telegram1 "
"Oh , never mind , lot it go ; explanations
can't help the matter now what will ho
think of us ? "
"Oh , that's nil right , that's ill debt , he'll
think wo gave the telegram to the hotel people
ple , and that they "
"Why , certainly 1 Whv didn't.vou do thai !
Thcro was uo other rational wav. "
"Yos , I know , but Then I had it on my mind
that I must bo'suro und got to thu bank and
draw some mouov "
"Woll , you are entitled to some credit ,
after nil , for thinking of that , and I don't
wish to bo too hard on you , though you must
acknowlodqo yourself that you have cost us
all a good deal of trouble , nnd some of It not
necessary. How much did you draw ? "
"Well , I I had an idea that-that "
"That what ! "
"That well , it seems to mo that In. the
circumstances so many of us , you know ,
and and "
"vVhat are you mooning about ? Do turn
you face this way and let mo Why , you
haven't drawn any money 1"
"Well , the banker sold "
"Never mind what the banker said. You
must have had a reason of your own. Not u
roasou , exactly , but sotn < sthiuK which "
"Woll , then , the slraplo fact wus , that I
hadn't my loiter of credit. "
"Hadn't your letter of credit ! "
"Hain't my letter of credit. "
"Don't repeat mo like that. Where was
itl't
itl't"At
"At the postolllco.11
"What was it doing there1'
"Well , I forgot it and loft it thoro. "
"Upon my word , I've seen a good many
couriers , but of all the couriers ibatovor I "
"I've done the host I could. "
"Woll , so you have , poor thing , and I'm
wrong to abuse you so whan you'vo boon
working yourself to ( loath while , we've boon
sitting hern only thlnulnc ot our vexations
instead of feeling grateful for what you ivoro
trying to do for us. It will all come out right.
Wo can tune the 7:30 : train in the morning
just as tvoll. You'vo bought the tickets ? "
"I have and it's a bargain , too. Second
class. "
"I'm glad of it. Everybody oho travels
second class , and wo might Just as well save
tbat ruinous extra charge. What did you
pay ! "
"Twenty-two dollars nploco through to
Bayrouth. "
"Why , I didn't know you could buy
through tickets anywhere but in London
and Paris. "
"Some people can't , maybe ; but some people
plo can of whom I am ono of which , it ap
pears. "
"It seems n rather high prlco. "
"On the contrary. Tbo dealer knocked off
the commission. "
"Dealer ! "
"Yos I bought thorn at a cigar shop. "
"ibat reminds mo. Wo shall have to getup
up pretty early , so that there should ho no
packing to do. Your umbrolln , your rubbers
your cigars what Is the matter ! "
"IIuiiK It , I've loft the cigars at tbo
bank. "
"Just think of It I Well , your umbrella ? "
"I'll have that all right. There's no
hurry. "
"What do you moon by that ! "
Oh , that's all right ; I'll take care ol- "
"Where is thai umbrella ! "
"It's just the merest stop It won't take
mo "
"Whoro is HI"
"Well , I think I left It at tbo cigar shop ;
but anyway "
"Takoyour foot from outundor that thing.
It's Just a * I expected 1 Where are your
rubbers ! "
"Thoy well "
"It's got so dry now well , every
body says tbero'i not going to bo another
drop of "
"Whoro nro your rubbers I"
"Woll , you see well , u was this way.
First , the oRlcor said "
"What ofllcor ! "
"Police officer ; but the mayor , ho "
"What mayor ! "
"Mayor of Oonovtr but I said "
"Walt. What is the matter with you' "
"Who , me ? Nothing. They both tried to
persuade mo to stay , and "
"Stay where ? "
"Woll the fact Is "
"Whoro have you boonl What's kept you
OUttUUO-.SOatnlsbtl"
"O , you see , after I lost my letter of credit
"You are beating around the bush n good
deal. Now answer the question In Just ono
straightforward word , Where nro those rub *
borsl"
"They well ; they're lu tbo county Jail. "
I started a placating smllo , but U potrUlod.
The climate was unsuitable. Spending throe
or four hours in jail did not worn to the ox
podltlon humorous. Neither did It to mo , at
bottom.
I had to explain the whole thing , nnd of
course It came out then that wo couldn't take
the early train , because that would leave my
latter ot credit In bock still. It did look as If
wo had nil got to go to bed citi-.iuKod and un
happy , bill by good luck that was tn-ovcntod.
There happened to bo mention of the trunks ,
ami I was nblo to say I had attended to thai
feature.
"There , you nro Just ni good nnd thought
ful and painstaking nndlntolllpciitas you fin
bo , nnd it's n shame to llnd so much fault
with you , nnd thcro shan't uo another word
of It. A'ou'vo done beautifully , admirably ,
nnd I'm sorry I ever said ono ungrateful word
toyo\i. \ "
This hit deeper than some of the other
thin53 nnd made me uncomfortable , bocnnso
I wasn't reeling as solid about that trunk
cmmd us I wanted to. Thorn scorned some
how to bo n defect about It somowhtro ,
though I couldn't put my linger on it , nnd
didn't like to stir the matter Just now , It
being lain , and innybo well otiough to let
well enough nlono.
Of wmrso thcro wus music In the morning
when it was found that we couldn't leave by
the curlv train. But I hail no time to wait ;
] got only the opening bars of the overturn ,
nnd then started out to got my letter of
credit.
It seemed n peed tuna to look into the
trunk builnuts , nnd rectify It if It needed It ,
und I hud a suspicion that it did. I was too
lute. The conclorcc said he had shipped the
trunks to Zurich the evening boforo. I
asked him how ho could do that without ox-
hlbltlug passage tickets.
"Not necessary In Switzerland , You pay
fouj 'our trunks nnd send them wbero you
please. Nothing goes fruo but your hand
baggage. '
"How much did you pav on them. "
"A hundred and forty frnnrs. "
' Twenty-eight dollars. There's some
thing wrong about that trunk business
sure. "
Next t met the portion Ho said :
"You have not slept well , is U not ! You
hnvo the worn look. If you would like a
courier , a good ono has arrived lust nlsrht ,
and is not onuaged for live davs nlri'ady , bv
the name of Ludi. Wo recommend him ;
dnys , especially when ono wns personally
concerned. , " .
"I'orsonntlyJ „ 'ffio nskob. "How ! "
"Because ( WO vanrs ago on ancestor of mine
rignod the comjWfit. "
Ho reflected ft moment , then look mo over
tndsold ! 'a"1
"Ancestor1 H's my opinion you signed It
yourself. For'brnll ' the old ancient rollca
that over I MV ( never mind about that.
Whnt Is it younro waiting hero for so
long ! " '
1 smd : *
"I'm not wnltlfiR here so long nt nil. I'm
waiting- fifteen , tnlntiics till they forgot n
glove and n bobjc.nnd go back nnd got them. "
Thou I told himu'ho , ' tboy ware tbnb I had
come for. '
Ho was vory'6/bliginK ' nnd began to shout
Inquiring to thu tiers of hoiuls nnd shoulders
'projecting from the windows above us. Then
n womiin nwnv up there snug out :
"On , they ? Why , I got thorn n unb and
thov loft hero long ngn half past 3 I should
snv. "
It was niinovlng. I gluncod at my watch ,
but didn't ' any anything , The ofllcsr said !
"It is n quarter of 12 , yon soo. You should
have Inquired bettor. You have been
nslcnp throa-qimrtors of nn hour nnd In such
n sun as this. You tire baked baked black.
It Is wonderful. And you will miss your
tr-iln perhaps. You Interest mo greatly.
What Is your occupation ? "
I said I was a courier. It seemed to stun
him , nnd before ho could como to wo were
gonp.
gonp.When I arrived In the third storv of the
hotel I found our quarters vacant. 1 was not
surprised. The moment n courier tnkos his
eve off his tribe they go shopping. The
nearer it Is to tr.iln tiiuo the surer they nro to
po. I sat down to try to think out what I hail
best do next , but presently tbo hall bov
found mo thcro and said thu expedition hail
pouo to the station half un hour before. It
was thu tlrst tlmo I had known them to do n
rational thing , nnd It was very confusing.
This Is OHO of the things tbut make n cour
ier's life so dlfilcult and uncertain. Just
us matters nro going the smoothest ,
his people1 wtll strike n lucid interval , nnd
down go all his arrangements to wreck and
ruin.
ruin.Tho tram wns to leave nt 13 noon sharp. It
was now ten minutes nfter twolvo. I could
hu at the station In ten minutes. I saw I had
no great umount of leeway , for this wns tlio
THK orFicnit Tiiot'oitr niKFnrtHNTiiYf
dnss heiss , the Urando Hotel Beau Itivacro .
roi-onimonds him. "
I declined with coolness. My spirit was ' '
not broken yet. And I did not like hnvlng
my condition taken nollcoof tills way. 1 was '
at the county Jail by ! l o'clock , hoping thin
the mayor might clianco lo come before his ' 1
regular hour ; bur , ho didn't. It was dull i i
ihero. Kvorv tlmo I offeroil to touch anything -
thing , or iooK nt unything , or do anything , or i
refrain irom doing anvihtup , the policeman i
smd It was 'ilofendco.1' 1 thought I would
uractii'o my French ou him , but lie wouldu't I
tiavo that , either. It seemed to make him
particularly bitter to hear his own tongue.
The rnavor came at last , and then there
wns no trouble ; for the minute bo had con
vened thn supreme court which they always
do whenever there is valuable property in
dispute and got everything in sliip-shnpe
and sentries posted , und had prayer by the
chaplain , my unsealed letter wus brought
mil opened , and there wasn't anything in it
but some photographs ; because , ns I remem
bered now , I had taken out the letter of
credit so us to make room for the photo
graphs , nnd had put the letter in my other
[ locitot , which I proved to everybody's sutls-
rablion by fetching it out. and showIng -
Ing it with u good deal of exulta
tion. So then the court looked at each
other in a vacant kind of way , and
: lien at mo , and then nt each other namnnd
ilnully lot mo go , but said it was imprudent
for mo to bo at larcre , nnd nsked mo what my
lirofesslon wus. Isuld I was n courier. They
lifted up their eves in n kind of reverent way
nnd said , "Du lieborCJolt ! " and I said a word
of courteous thanks lor their apparent ad
miration and hurrloit alt to the bank.
However , being a courier was iilroady
making mo a great stickler for order and sys
tem nnd ono thing nt a time nnd onch thing
in Its own proper turn ; so I passed by the
bank and branched oil nnd started for the
two lucking members of the expedition. A
uab lazied by , and I took it upon persuasion.
I trained no speed by this , but it was n ic-
posotul turnout nnd I llkod rcposufulnosa.
The week-long Jubilations over the ( JOOth
anniversary ot the birth ot Swiss liberty and
the signing ot the compact wus nt ( load-tide ,
nnd nil the strouts were clothed in II utter in
Hags.
The horse nnd the driver had been drunk
three days and nights , nnd had known no
stall nor bed meantime. They looked as I
felt dioainy and seodv. But wo arrived la
the course of time. I wont In and rang , nnd
uskou n housemaid to rush out the lacking
members. She snla something which I did
not undorstnndand I returned to tbo chariot.
The girl hud probably told mo that thoao
people did not belong on her Iloor , and that
it would bo Judlcioua for mo to go higher and
ring from Iloor to. Iloor till I found them ;
for In these Swiss Hats there does not
seem to bo eny way to llnd the
right family but to bo patient nnd guess
year way along up. I calculated that I must
wait II f teen minutes , thcro being throe details
Inseparable from nn occasion of this sort ! 1 ,
put on hats nnd como down and climb In ; " ,
return of ono to got "my other glove ; " U ,
presently , return of the other ono to fetch ,
"my French Verbs nt a Glance. " I would
muse during the fifteen minutes and take it
easy.
easy.A
A very still and blank Interval ensued , and
tbcu I felt a hand on my shoulder and start
ed. The Intruder was a policeman. I glanced
up ana perceived that there wns new scenery.
There was a good deal of a crowd , and they
had that pleased and interested look which
such a crowd wears when they see that some
body Is out of luck. The horse was asleep
ind so was the unvor , and some boys had
hung them and mo full of gaudy decorations
stolen from the Innumerable banner poles. It
was a scandalous spectacle. The ofllcor
said ;
"I'm sorry , but wo can't have you sleeping
hero all day. "
I was wounded and said with dignity :
"I bog your pardon , I was not bleeping , I
was thinking. "
"Well , you can think if you want to , but
you'vo got to think to yourself ; you disturb
the whole neighborhood , "
It was a poor joke , but it made the crowd
laugh. I snore at night , somotlraas , but it is
not likely that 1 would do such a thing in the
daytime and In su.cn a placo. Tbo officer un-
docorntod us und seemed sorry for our ( rload-
losinoss and really tried to bo humane , but
be said wo mustn't itop thcro any longer or
ho would have to chareo us rent It wus the
law ho sold , and be went on to say in a
sociable way that I was looliinp pretty
mouldy , and ho wished ho know
I shut him oft pretty austerely nnd said I
hoped one mluht celebrate a llttlo , theio
lightning express , nnd on the continent the
li ntuini ; expresses are pretty fastidious
uDout getting away sometime during the ad
vertised aav. My people wore the only ones
remaining in the waiting room ; everybody
clsohud nasbou through and "mounted the
train , " as they say In these regions. They
were exhausted with nervousness nnd fret ,
I but I comforted them and heartened them
up , and wo made our rush ,
I But no , wo xvuro out of luck ngain. The
i doorkeeper wai not. satlslled with the tick-
I cts. Ho examined them cautiously , de
liberately , suspiciously ; then gluiod nt mo
u while , and after that he called another of
ficial. The U-o examined the tickets , and
culled another olllcial. Thcso called others ,
nnd the convention discussed and discussed ,
and gesticulated and carried on , until I
begged that they would consider how time
was flying , and Just pass n few resolutions
und let us go. Then Jhoy suld , very courte
ously , that , thcro was a defect m the licuots ,
mid asked mo whore 1 got them.
I judged I saw what iho trouulo was , now.
You sec , I hud nouclit the tickets lu a cigar
shop , and of course the tobacco smell was on
them ; without aoubt the thing they were up
to uas to work the tickets through the cus
tom house nnd collect duty on that smell. So
resolved to bo perfectly frank ; it is some
times the best way. t said :
"Gentlemen , I will not deceive you. Those
railway tlcknts "
"Ah. pardon , m'ateur ! These are not rail
way tickets. "
"Oh , " I said. "Is that the defect ? "
"Ah , truly yes , monsieur. These are lot
tery tickets , yes : und it is a lottery which
has been drawn two years ago. "
1 affected to bo greatly nmusod ; it is all ono
can do in such circumstances ; it is nil ono
can do , nnd yet there is no value In it ; it do-
cnlvcs nobody , nnd you can see that every
body uround pities you and is ashamed of
you. Ono of tbo hardest situations' in life , I
think , Is to bo full of grlof and a son so of
defeat nnd shabDinois that way , and yet
huvo to put on nn outside of archness und
gaiety , while nil the time you know that
your own expedition , the treasures of your
heart , nnd whoso love and reverence you
are by the custom of our civilization
entitled to , nro being consumed with
humiliation before strangers to see
you earning and getting a compassion which
is a stigma , a brand a brand which certifies
you to bo oh , anything and everything
which Is fatal to human respect.
I said cheerily , it was .nil right , just ono of
these little accidents that was likely to hap
pen to anybody I would hava the right
tickets lu "two minutes , and wo would catch
the train vos and moreover have something
to laugh about all through the Journey. I did
get the tickets In time , all stamped and com
plete , but then U 'turned ' out that I couldn't
take thorn , because in taking so much pains
ubout the two missing mombeis , I skipped
the bank und hadn't ' the money. So then the
train loft , nnd Jhi/ro / didn't seem to bo any
thing to do but go' ' back to the hotel , which
wo did ; but it < yua iclr.d ot melancholy und
not much said. I tried to otart a few sub
jects , like sconor'v5 and transubstantiating
nnd these sorts''of ' things , but they didn't
aecm to hit the weiithor right.
Wo had lost oit ( peed rooms , hut wo got
some others which were pretty scattering
but would answer. " I judged things would
brlghteu. now , but'thoHead of the Expedi
tion said send up the trunks. It made mo
feel prottv cold. 'There was a doubtful something -
thing noout , thfit'trunl : business. I was al
most sure of it. r.was going to suggest-
But n wave bf'tho ' hand sufficiently re
strained mo , anO'I was Informed that wo
would now camp Mr three days and see if wo
could rust up.
1 said nil right , never mind rinsing , I would
go down and attend to the trunks myself. I
got a cab and went straight to Mr. Ubarloa
Natural's ' place and asked what order it was
I had loft there.
"To send seven trunks to the hotel. "
"And were you to Drlnguny back ? "
"No. "
"You nr sure I dldu't toll you to bring
back seven that would bo found piled la the
lobby ? "
"Absolutely sure you didn't , "
"Tuon the whole fourteen are gone to
Zurlcn or Jericho or somewhere , and there
is going to bo moro debris around that hotel
when the expedition "
I didn't fluUh , bocausu my mind was crot-
tlni ; to bo in a good deal of u whirl , and
when you are that way you think you have
finished a sentence when you haven't , and
you go mooning und dreaming away , and the
ilrst thing you know yea got run over by a.
dray or a cow or something.
I loft the cab there 1 forgot It ana on my
wny back I thotmht It all out nnd concluded
lo roslgn , because otherwise I should bo
nearly sure lo bo discharged. But I didn't
bollovo It would bo a good Idea to ronlgn In
person ; rcould do It by moisngo. So I scat
for Mr , LudI and explained that there
WAS n courier going to resign on ac
count of Incompatibility or fatigue
or something , and ai ho had four or live
vacant nays , I would like to Insert him Into
that vacancy , If bo thought lie could nil It ,
When everything wns arranged I got him to
go up nnd say to the Expedition that owing
to nn error tu'ndo by Mr. Nntural'a people ,
wo wcro out of trunks hero , but would hnvo
plenty In Zurich , and we'd bettor tnlio the
Ilrst train , freight , gravel or construction ,
ami move right along.
Ho attended to that nnd came down with
nn Invitation to mo to go up yes , certainly ;
and while wo walked along over to the bank
to got money , nnd collect cigars nnd tobacco ,
and tn thu cigar .shop to trade back the lot
tery tickets nnd cot my umbrella , nnd to Mr.
Natural's to nay Hint cab nnd send Itnwny ,
nnd to the county jnll to pot my rubbers nnd
leave p. p c. cares for the mayor and supreme
rOurt , ho described the weather to mo that
was prevailing Upon the tipper levels there
with the Hxpedltlnn , and I saw that I was
doing very well where I was.
I stayed out In the woods till 4 p. tn. to lot
tlio weashor moderate , nnd then turned up
nt tbo station just In tltno to tnko tho'i ;
o'clock train for Zurich along with the Ex
pedition , bow In the hands of LudI , who con
ducted its complex nffalrs with little appar
ent cftort or inconvenience.
Well , I bud worked Hko a slnvo while 1 wns
In ofllcc nnd done the very host I it now how ;
yet nil that these pooplodwoltupnn erscomcd
to cnro to remember was the detects of mv
administration , not its creditable features.
They would skip over a thousand croditnblo
features tn remark upon and roltoiato and
fuss ubout just one fact , llll It seemed to mo
thov would wear It out ; nnd not much of a
fact , either , token by Itself the fact that I
elected myself courier In Geneva , nnd put in
work enough to cnrrv a circus to Jerusalem
and yet never even got my gang out of the
town. I dually said I dld'nt wish to hear anymore
moro about the subject , it innno mo tired.
And I told them to their fnces that 1 would
never bo a courier ngnln to bnvo anybody's
life. And if I livelong enough I'll provo It.
I think It's n dlfllcult , bram-rnuklni ; , over
worked and thoroughly ungrateful onico , nnd
the main .bulk of its wages Is n sore heart and
a bruised spirit.
Five Ilundrol Million Dnllnrq
will do spent nt the "World's fair. " Now is
the tltno to secure a hotel , hoarding house or
other business to make a fortune. Add.rass
fames Ptarco < fe Co. , Traders bldg. , Chicago.
lll.OO.1IIVO JtUDS.
Little Miijorio is bv no means fond of
troing to church , sayp the Youth's Com
panion. Shu has to sit too still , and
'the man''talks ubout things she cannot
yet understand. "Wliat's It for , ma-
tnaV film : t6lco < l ono day. ' 'What do wee
; o to church for ; " ' Muinirm tried to loll
ici" the reasons , nnd concluded by say-
ng : "And , when you can't understand
what the minister inoans , you must re-
neinbor ho is talking about good nnd
joautifiil tilings ; and you must mnUo up
your mind to think of something good
' . " That day Majorio was very
juiot in church , and hor.inothor praised
icr for it on her wav homo. "I did just
is you told mo , " said the woo maid , "I
thought of something good. " "What
it dciirioV" " . "
vns , "Apple pie.
V K-
Teacher If your mother should wish
o glvo onch one nn equal amount of
neat , and there should bo eight in the
iitnllv , how manv pieces would she
cut ?
Class Eight.
Tenchor Correct. Now each piece
vouUt be one-eighth of the whole. Ro-
ucinbor that.
Tonohor Suppose oaoh ploco was cut
again , what would result ?
Smart Boy Slxtooiilhs.
Teacher Correct , And If cut again ?
Boy Thlrly-soconds.
Tonohor Correct. Now sitpposo wo
should cut each of the thirty-two plocoa
again , wlmt would result ?
Llttlo Girl Ilnsh.
* % *
Llttlo Brother "You nnd ntnloi' an't
mad nt each ether , is you ? " Unsuccess
ful Suitor "Oh. no , not at all , not at
nil. " "Do you stay away iust bccnuso
she wouldn't " "Uin
marry you ? partly ,
yes. Slio didn't absolutely refuse mo ,
howovor. " "No , I know. She said she
wanted time. " "Yos , that's it. And I
promised not to bother her until she was
ready. " "Woll , you won't have moro'ti
wait" "Wha ? "
ten yours to ton years
"Yes. Sho'a 20 now , and she said sho'd
marry before she was HO oven if she had
to take you. "
* *
llarpor's Bazar : "Grandpa."said the
Irreverent college boynt the clo o of the
Tlianksglvlngdinnor , "what's the difference -
once between you and the turkey wo'vo
just had ? " " [ don't know. Wlmt ? "
said the old gentleman innocently. . "It
was a turkey stulTod with chestnuts , and
you nro a chestnut stulTod with tut-koy. "
The college boy and his llttlo brother
were the only ones to laugh.
* *
"Aro you pretty well acquainted with
your mo'tlior tongue , my boy ? " asked
the schoolteacher oMho now scholar.
"Yjs sir , " answered the lad timidly ,
"ma jaws mo a good deal , sir. "
* #
Irate Father I'll teach you to lie and
steal , you rascal , you I
Wayward Son ( from the midst of the
scrimmage ) Don't troublc-ouchl-yotir-
self , father , I know how already !
Handsome Young Tutor Now , Miss
Elliot , wo take up the vel-b "amo , "
Are you quite prepared to conjugate ?
Young Pupil La , Mr , Primus , how
how sudden you are !
By Purchasing Goods Made at the F Mowing Nebraska Factories. If you
cannot find what you wan/ , communicate with .the manufacturers as to what
dealers handle their goods.
AWNING AND TKNTS.
OMAHA AWNING AND
TENT CO. ,
KIOKM , hammocks , oil and
ubbor clDtlilnir. Send for
cntnluiiue. Ill I Knrmm.
BUKWERS.
OMAHA BREWING
FRED KRUG. ASOCIATION
Hottlcit boor delivered to Runrnntocd to oqunl out-
private ftinllU'3. Kldo brnndi. Vienna
I00 : Juckaun StrouL ISxport bottlen beer
delivered to families.
BOX.I2S.
OMAHA BOX FACTORY J. L. WILKIE
Nailed nnd Dovetailed Pnpcr boxes , mailing
tubas nnd wcddlnx caka
boxe ? , bOXC9 ,
Oipncltr S.W3 pord ly. ' .
1823-21 SU Mary's HTO.
Bast Umnlia. Tel. 414.
WM. PFEIFFER , B. H.03TERHOUDT
M'f'r line currianoj nnd Spring wagon * ot nl
bungles , Care tn pnlntlng , klndn , Uopalrlnz on iho
trim inliiK and repairing , notice , run laze paint
2M5 Lcavenvrorth. Ing. 1M1 Ctm. Tel 11137
W. R. DRUM-
MONO ICO.
Carrlago builders. Hose
and patrol wagon * a
specialty ,
lath opp. Court House.
COFFEE , TEAS , APICES , ETC ,
CONSOLIDAFED
COFFcE CO. ,
Importers and Jobbers ,
1411 llarnoy.
CIGARS.
J. BECKMAN , H. C. HARTRY ,
Ilex Trade Solicited.
18l | I'nrnnm , 1119 Knrnsm.
H. BESELIN. THE CUBAN.
Special brands made to M'f'fi of Cuban madu and
order. thu famous fitulu beal
6c cigar ,
Factory , 2403 Patrick are. J. M , fllrihiteln ,
btore. B.-0 N. ll.tu. 1618 I'aruam.
H.HENOCH , J. H. RICHARD ,
U T n and Domoitto Cigars , Tobacco ! and
.
floods. Smokers' Articles ,
1623 Dodge HU 1017 Farnam
COPPERSMITHS.
HONACK i. KAESSNER
Copper work ot all kinds ,
8043. | 0la. !
2VIKff Of Til ] !
Little Mnbol , 3 years old , suddenly
burst out cry i up nt the dinner ttiblo.
"Why Mnbol , " said her mother , "whnt's
the irmltorY" "Oh , " whined ITabol ,
' my tooth trod on my tonguo. "
' Tommy Look out for that cowl
'
Willie { 'from the city ) Why ? Is she
goinfr to blow her horn1 ;
It tnkos nn extraordinary amount of
self control for a proud father to forpot
it in public when his boy has said a
bright thing.
S. S. Teacher What makes you
think , my boy , the world will never
como to an end ? Johnny Cnuso it's
round.
School Teacher Now , Bobby , if you
had six apples , and I gave you live more ,
what would you have ? Bobby ( thought
fully ) ! sink I'd have a doctor.
Gushing Young Friend \yiiich do
you like to kiss the most , dolly or mo ?
The Precious Child Well , Dolly's red
chooka don't come olT on my clean plna-
fore like yours , so I s'poso I'd rather
kiss dolly.
Little Tot ( tugging away at her papa's
leg ) Dimmo dime , pana ! Her Papa
Why , bless you ! What for , child ?
Little Tot I hoard brovver George toll
sister Tillio 'at ho pulled you' log for $6
Inst night. I'll do it for loss'a that.
Puck.
M1NC/E MEAT.
Llttlo Boy ( looking up ohlmno.v ) I
suppose if God sends the snow the tlovH
sends the blacks.
V.
I'nnu So you have begun geography ,
Elliot ; well , toll mo what Is the appear-
nuco of nil Island ? Elliot It looks Hko
n duck In tlio water.
Llttlo girl ( aged olglil ) on bolng told
If slio Is ao naughty her soul will bocoina
blnolc , ropllod : " 1 minposo It pees Into
mourning. "
Johnny ( who 1ms overheard hU par.
oiiht' arguments over the ( . 'hrlstnms
bills ) Miunmii , nro coals very dour ?
Mamma YOB , dear , very , I nm sorry to
say. Johnny ( hopefully , romouiborlni ;
past olTonccs ) Than , inninnm , I don't
see how the ilovll ctvn possibly afford to
kcop up hell !
A MtMlt-rn llrrolni1 ,
Gwendolyn Kvorslolgh laid her Ihrolx
blng brow against the pane of un In-
( lltinnpolla window , says the Journal.
She was a bollovor in homeopathy.
Pnno vs pain. See ? .
Thoonlysupportof an invalid tnothor ,
a periodically paralyzed father , twd
aped grandparents and six llttlo broth
ers ranging in ago from 1- to 33 , sha
had battled bravely with the world until
within a woolc before tlio time our story
opens , when she had boon hurled out ol
employment for having permitted the
atonic to burn to a crisp wnilo reading
the opening chapter of Laura Juno Lib
boy's latest.
And for four days the only fuistonnnoo
of the family had boon hope. And
mighty little of that. What was XIUIH
to her V A miserable , mocking mom
ory.
Suddenly she draw her lltho form
erect , her violet eves Illlod with n now
light.
"Why dirt I not think of it throe dim
ago ? " said &ho , as she Hod toward her
boudoir.
She appeared no more for throe
hours. Then she hastened out into thu
busy Bit cot mid was swallowed up In the
seoihing vortex of happy humanity.
Duon trloom had Hottlcd iinnti tha
Evorsloigh household ; a dark and dis
mal gloom , broken only by Iho gleam
of the tooth of the welt grinning In the
door.
Suddenly Gwendolyn rouppourod upon
thin dismal HCOMO ; Hushed and breath
less , but oh ! so hanpyl
' "Saved ! Saved ! " she cried , waving
a roll of crisp , now bank notes in nil
$7,500.
"But how on earth " began her
mother , wonderingly.
"I wrote tv story , mummer , doar. Just
like the girls wo'used to road of in 'Tho
Ladies'Budget of fashionable Fiction. '
And I wrote it slnco supper time , too
not since supper , because , como to think
of it , wo had none. "
"This occasion Booms to call for the
growler , " observed Evoraloigh poro.
"Growler ! " echoed the happy girl in
joyous disdain , ns she tossed her parent
bill. "Mako it ! "
a 8100 . a keg
Wasn't she a heroine ?
Why Chamberlain's Cough Kouiocly Use
so Popular.
Mr. L. Q. Moore , the loading druggist at
Polut Arena , Gal. , says : "I have sold Cham-
borlnln'.s Cough Hemody tor moro than s
year , and Und It ono of the very best sollon
I over kept in stock. But this is not all ; tha
Homedv gives satisfaction to my custouiors.i
It is especially llkod for its soothing and ox
pectorunt qualities. " It will loosen and relieve
lievo u severe cold in loss tlmo than any othoi
treatment.
PHOTO ENQBAVJSUS.
TEINHAUS ENGRAVING - I
ING CO. . .
Artlsti nnd Designers ,
G.14 Pnxlon llluclc ,
PLATINO.
WESTERN ELECTRO ,
STEREO WORKS.
PoUnliliiB tirn , chrxnda-
Her work , tnbloiraro , otc ,
roplulocl. 1114 DoUgo ft.
RUB1313R GOODS.
OMAHA RUBBER CO , .
M'f'R nnrt Jobbers of all
kinds of rubber Koodj.
1550 Fnrnam St.
, 1IAUN13BH , 13TO.
MARKS BROS. '
SADDLERY CO ,
Stock Buddies nnd light
harnoM n apoclnltjr.
HUT llnrnoy.
SA.SII , Doons ,
BALL BROS , , A. ROSENBERY ,
Mouldlnc * . etalr rnlli
Turning , Scroll Sawing , newolH , bM , scroll
Cabinet Muklnrf , lUc. work , etc , Toltiphona ' . <
WIN. 15th. 15th and Marcy ijtroeti ,
CADY & . GRAY ,
Onico and Hank work a
nUr.
nUr.M
M North Otli
SYUUP AND MOTjASHKH.
FARRELL & CO. ,
Jellies , I'rojorvov Mines
Moat und Appto Hut-
tor. '
317S 8th ,
TUUNKH.
C. H. FORBY ,
Trun ks , Sanuilu Cuios
Traveling UIIKI , olo.
MOJUouxliu.
BHTUTS AND UNDKUW13AR.
OMAHA SHIRT FAC
NEBRASKA SHIRT CO.
TORY.
Kst.itillsliol , I67H.
207 B. llth. Tel. 231
1511 1'Vunum
SOAP.
P. J. QUEALEY
PAGE SOAP CO. , SOAP CO.
Ufg , Union Soup. Mfj.Colpbrnted laiunl
| lt > Hickory und lollool soaps. Oiuulis
VINEGAR.
HAARMAN VINtGAR
CO. ,
Mfg. Kraut , Cider and
Illtfh ( Ir.ulo Vlnecar.
City onico.lltli A. Itoii.ird
WHITE' LEAD.
CARTER WHITE
LtAD CO ,
Corrodem nnd ( irlmlurs ,
btrlotlr pure wHt
load.
Knit Omaha.
YEAKT.
GERMAN YEAST CO. . OMAHACOMPRESSEJ
normnti Yrrtt re YEAST CO
puck.itu : Hade In Omiha. ,
1411 llarniy. Kit a. lotu ,