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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 15, 1891)
Part 2. FHE OMAHA DAILY I L EE. Pages 9 to 12 , T r WJENTVXFIKST YEA ] ? . OMAHA. SATURDAY AUGUST 15 , 1S91--TWELVE PAGES. iNUMREU 58. Tin ; a it. i i'i : . t .v/ > . i r.v vnusK. Mn re boll--A I trim rat Inn. The following pootn by Kdmund Clarcnco Btcftdmuti appears in llio August Atlantic. It evidently refers to tno Into Lawrence Bar rett. "Ornnt him , " I said , "n well earned naino , The statro's knight , the keen essayer Of parts whence till save greatness c.imo , Hut not n player. "Strnnpe. ns of fato's pcrvcrscncfB , this Promi , eager toul , this line ttruttg erca tu re , Should srem forever Just to miss Tlmt luuch of nature ; "Tho Instinct slio so lightly gives Some foilow'st his rivals snarling. Homo churl who gains the Hoards , and lives Transformed her darling I" "You thlnlt ? " ho " so replied "Woll , I Thought likewise , muugro Lanclolto , And Yorli'K- though his Cnsslus nigh Won Hnmlol'H motto. "Hut would you learn , as I. his clew To nature's heart , and Judge him fairly Go MO his rustic bard , go view Ills Man o'AIHIe. "SoJ that defenseless minstrel brought i'Yom liopu to wan dlspair. from laughter To frenzy's moiin : the Imugo wrought Wliriiauntyou after. 'Th MI see him crowned at last I If'such A guerdon waits the stricken poet , Tw-'t-o well ' I/ear much - , you'll own , to / us l-vnn iHn. tn knnw It. " "IJnvoV "led I"I , too , the thrill Must Icel , which tum your blood can waken. " And once I saw upon the bill That part retaken ; JJut leagues of travel stretched between Mo and that idyl played so rarely : And then his death ! nor nad 1 HLCII "Tho Man o'Airlio. " My failure , not tno aetor's , loved liy all to art mul nature loyal ; Not Ills , whom llarbcll'H passion proved Of thu blood royal. J. II. t'i-fstiin In A"it2 ; < * icM' H'a-litii'jtnn. Amid the busy multitude moves she , A ( jucen uncrowned , a saint In earthly guise , With In the clear depths of her shilling eyes And on her pallid face a radiancy That seems reflected from the crystal sea Which stretches 'twlxt our souls and Para- disc. Some nay that In her heart a sorrow lies Which contradicts her sweet Irunquility , A victor , no symbolic palm she bears ; Upon her fiico hertriumph's sign she wears A peace thatshnwcth all her stainless soul. Enthroned in hearts of urring and of good , Shu reigns in royalty of womanhood , Yet round her head ihcro shines no aureole ! UndciI'illionltiRS. . Siiinei rl'/e ' / Journal. In the hammock she is swinging 'Hound about mosquitoes winging Fill the evening air ; While her lover o'or her bending , To propose Is now Intending , Hear his ardent prayer : "Oh , my ( slap ! ) love , I adore youl Hero ( sl ( . ) I bow down before you ( Slap ! ) on bended knee. Toll me , dear ( slap ! ) , that you love mo 13end your head ( slap ! slap ! ) above mo ( That time I got three ! ) " And the maiden , softly sighing , To his ardor thus replying. Says in loader tone : " 1 must own ( ship ! ) that I ( slap ! ) love You all other men n- ( slap ! ) bevel ( That ono hud a bone ! ) " Sweet lovo's dream Is when two youthful Hearts exchange fond words and truthful Vows ot constant trust. Eycn mosquitoes eiin't restrain them. Kapld blows whew I how they ruin them ! Make them bite the dust. \ \ c n.I tin : \Vorlil. A * .on HVi'erm in. The world is the same as It used to no , Hut there have come changes to you and mo. There is ] us > t as much right and as little of wrong. There is just ns much summer and sunshine and song. But wo oti , wo look through our tears and our care , And wo fancy the Holds fire all cheerless and bare , Andwosny of the picture , "llow sadly de ranged1' ! Hut It Isn't at all , it is wo who have changed. The birds sing as swectly.nnd brooks as they How Are babbling the songs of the glad long ago. The butterflies dance in the meadow today , And the children are laughing about in the hay. Our cars have grown dull and bcdlmmod is the eye , And wo miss all the beauty of earth and ot sky. Wonrushutln ourselves ; were wo not wo could see That the world Is the snran as it used to bo. The Mint ; of the Thrush. C. / ' . i'liineh In .tit-jiul St. A'tclmln * , "Ah , will vou , will you1 sings the thrush , Deep In his shady cover , "Ah , will you , will \ou live with me , And bo my friend and lover ! "With woodland scents and sounds all day , And music wo will 1111 you. For concerts wo will charge no fee. Ah , will you will you will youi" Iknr hidden olrd , oft I've heard Your pleasant Invitation ; And sciuchi-d for vou amid your boughs With fruitless observation. Tea near and yet too far you seem For mortals to discover. You call me , yet I cannot come , And am you. ' hapless lover. I.lko all that is too Bwcot and fair , I never may come near you. Your sonus till all ttio summer air ; i louly sit aud hear you. Tlio Starry Hour , Illrhui > S/m / dini ; tn tlie Century , The countless stars which la our human eye Are llxeu and steadfast , each in proper place , Forever bound to clmugclcsa points In spacn. Hush with our sun and planets through Iho sky , And llko a Heck of birds still onward fly ; Kcturnlng never wUenco oegan their race. They bpeed ihelr ceaseless way with gleam ingfuco , As though God bade them win Inlliillv. Ah , whither , whither Is their forward flight Through cudloss time and llmltlcm ox * WmiiMil hit power with unlmaglnublo might First whirled them forth lo spin In tireless dance ! What beauty lures them on through primal night , So that , for them , to bo is to advance I Miller. Ice built , Ice bound and ica bounded , Such cold seas of sllcucol such room 1 Such snow light , Mich sea light , confouudod With thunders Hint smite llko u doom I Such grandeur ! such glory , such gloom ! Hear that boom I hear that deep distant boom Of an uvula < che hurled Down this iinllnished world. Ice sras ! and tea summits ! Ice spaces , In bplcmior of white , in God's throne ! Ice worlds to the | > olu ! and Ice places , / Jntrackcd and unnamed and utiKiiownt Hour Unit boom l Hour thu grinding , the groan Of the Ice gods In palu I Hour the moan Of yon Ice mountain hurled Down tub uullnlshcil world I TALES OF LAND AND SEA. A Tmsoily ol the Son. .V. ymiil ( n .Vein YitrH H'orM. Tlio 8tH of September , lSO.V > t 7 o'clock In the morning , in the Capo of Good Hope , bearing almost duo cast , mid 700 inllos uway , wo sighted a ship doid : ahead. I wan second iniito of the Kng- llsli brig Lord Clibo , and wo were bound from Australia to Liverpool with wool. It WHS my watch which you must know i * the port or captain's watch uiid wo were within two miles of the stranger when the morning mint cleared and wo sighted her. She was u small , square-rigged vessel , driving along oil before IDo westerly wind , and she did not show u square foot of canvas on any of her masts. I took the glass and wont aloft , and my wonderment Increased. Tlioro wis : ono mini aboard of her. but only ono as far as I could see. IIo was pacing the quarterdeck , and had his face turned towards us. There was no signal of distress Hying , and yet it was plain onouirh Unit something was wrong there. I descended after a long look , and just then the captain caino on deck. Wo had about a llvo knot breeze , and w.i were not | eng in overhauling the stronger. Her wheel was lashed , and as wo oamo upon her starboard quarter wo still failed to make out more than ono 111:111. : \Vo were near enough to see that ho wis u Portuguese , and evidently ono of the crew. The name of the ship was the Three Brothers , and she hailed from tlu Capo.Vo all immediately romombjrod so3ing her at Sidney , and of her having loft two weeks befora wo did. She was loaded with wool to bo taken on at the Capo by liners coming down from India. Our captain hailed as wo swept by her , but the sailor waved his hand to sig nify that nothing was wanted. "Tlioro is somc'tning very queer there , " said the captain as wo got clear of nor , "and I propose to investigate. " Wo looked up a couple of points to bo clear of her and throw the brig into the wind. I was ordered to take two men and pull oil' to the stranger , which was drifting along at the rate of about two miles an hour.ro had a boat down and were oil' in a minute , and in another ten would have boon up with her had not something Happened. The Portuguese stood looking at us for half a mimito as wo approached. Then ho disappeared and 1 suddenly caugiit siirht of u mus ket-barrel over the rail. I was wonder ing if my eyes deceived mo , when the villian lircd and one of my men pitched forward on his face , s-hot through the back and breathing his last within live minutes. The bailer then stood up and warned us by gestures to keep away or ho'd servo out another , and you may guess that wo lost no time in returning to the brig. What hud occurred only deepened the mystery. There was u ship , evidently in the best condition , but without a gail sot and in charge of only ono man. In stead of pursuing her yoyago she was drifting like a log. If in distress , she showed no signal and ono of our men had just been murdered when wo were on the way to oiler our services. It was a pretty tough nut to crack , but our cap tain was determined to lind the kernel. Wo hauled back on our course and a train overtook the ship and this time we ran down so close to nor that ono could have pitched his cap aboard. Ivery man of us was looking , but wo saw only that Portugese sailor. Ho liad live or six muskets piled up on the cabin skylight and ho turned his back on us as wo swept pant. The decks were clear and in perfect order and the sails had been neatly stowed and furled. "What's" mattori1 What has hap pened ? What do you want ? ' ' So our captain shouted at the manvbut he paid not the slightest heed. Wo ran ahead of her about a mile and then lulled tip again , and ns the ship came drifting down the captain sa'd : "There's baen some awful doings aboard yonder craft. It hasn't boon mutiny , because thoro'd bo more men about , but I'm thinking that man has somehow tmtdo way with every other soul ! It's our duty to solve the mystery if we can , but wo don't wan't any more murders. Mr. Piper , you will pull on" to him again mid try and got aboard. Take a musket with you , and if ho lires at you try and kill him ! " I wont oil with two other menholding the boat across the corn-no of the drifting ship. When she was within musket shot the Portuguese began blazing away. I cou.d only see the top of his head above the rail , as the ship hud high bulwarks , and I don't suppose my bullet oven whistled in his ear. IIo had a ter rible advantage of us , but 1 had deter mined to maUo a dash and board him when his third shot struck one of my men in the arm and crippled him for life , and > vithln tlftcen seconds ho llrcd again and knocked my hat olT my head. There was intense oxrltomont aboard the brig when wo pulled back. Every man of us now felt.that the Portuguese was the solo survivor of some awful tragedy and that he meant to light to the death to keep us from boarding the ship. Wo were more than full handed on the brlir. there boiiiL' four men who hail paid the captain a few dollars each mid were working the balance of their passage. If wo found the ship without urow enough to work it wo could take it In and claim a pretty lump of salvage. This fact Irid its inliuence onourcip- tain , no doubt , thougli I buliovo lie would have stood by it until the mys tery was solved to satisfy his own curi osity. It was now decided to send out two boats , and after rummaging around wo armed ourselves with three old mus- iota and u revolver nil the firearms the jrig could boast of. The llrt > t mate took ono ooat with three men in it. and I oik thu other with an equal number. Wo planned to menace him , eo that ho would full into confiibion , and wo lay on our oar * and let the ship drift down tn is. 1 was to hook on to her bowswhile he Ilrst iniito kojit the sailois busy aft ; Jilt wo didn't know how much devil there was in him. IIo divided his stock ) f guns forward and aft , and his 11.-st jullot killed a man in the mate's boat. My boat had hooked on to the fore- chains , and I was thinking wo had a o'.oar to the deck way when ho upset a mil of boiling water over us from the all , and every ono of us were forced to oup Into the sea , to case our torments. The trio of us were terribly scalded , and INC of the men entirely lost the sight of lis left oyo. \Yo lu.I not only made unothut- failure , ml here was .another d/xui man and nore wounded. Our crow was now for icaring uway and making no further at- empt to board the stranger , but the captain cried out that be would stand by until ho had lost every man nnd his own life , too , before ho would bo defeated by n slnglo man. Wo had to furl every thing to Heap in company with the ship , and for three hours the two craft drifted along almost within musket-shot , Then wo were ready for another attack. Wo had constructed three bullet-woof' shel ters along the port rail , nnd the Idea was to run down alongside the ship and shoot the Portuguese as wo passed. Wo made sail and ran down , but only to Iml ! that the wily villain had himself con structed u shelter and our bullets could not reach him. IIo gnvo us three shots while within range , and , thougli ho lilt no one , his shooting was uncomfortably close , and proved that ho was u good marksman. There was but ono other way to attack him and we put that olT until Into In the afternoon. Wo wanted wind and sea to go down , and wo had our wish. Along about 4 o'clock the breeze dropped almost out of sight , while the hoa was without a white-cap. Wo had made n , heavy grappling iron , and the idea waste to lay the snip aboard. When nil was ready wo bore down on her , and this was a move the Portuguese could no check-mate. IIo had to remain bchini his shelter or expose lilnisoll to our bu ! lots. Wo ran alongside , cast otic grapnel and the two craft drifted side by side. On captain then gave the .signal , and live of us made a rush over the ship's rail In doing so wo were exposed to tin. sailor's lire , and he shot the carpenlei through the heart. Ho had time to lire only once , however , but when the four of us piled on to him wo found him almost our match. Had not help coino I verily believe ho would have gainei the victory , Ho sroomod endowed will the strength of a giant , and his fierce ness was that of a wounded tiger While ho was being bound ho got i sailor's linger between his sharp teotl and oil it clean oil' , and not ono of us escaped without brultes. When wo had linally secured our man wo began the work of clearing up the mystery. Not a soul could we lint' ' ab'oard the ship , nor could we at first account for the absence of the crew. Then one thing and another was brought to light to toll us the horrible story. The had loft Sydney with four " teen"men. . Tlio ( lend of a Portuguese had murdered each and every man by means of poison in the rum. IIo was tlio cook. A week out of port she had mot with heavy weather and boon obliged to lie to and ride it out. This was how she came to have overythjng snug aloft. It was while bho was riding out tlio gulo that the captain had some trouble with the cook. Just what it was on one but tlio Portuguese know. Ho claimed to have been brutally assaulted without cause , and to revenge himself ho poisoned a demijohn of rum kept for the captain's use , SJtno of this rum , ho claimed , was afterwards served out to all hands without his knowledge , and the entire crew was thus killed olt' . What the real facts were could never be brought out. As wo found no blocd or other evidences of murder in the or dinary way , wo had to accept the sail or's sfitemont about tlio poison. HJ had dragged every dead man on deck and thrown him over , and when the gale ceased the ship had taken her own way to come about nnd go driving olf. Tlio villain had no ido.i as to where she would bring up , nnd ho didn't care so lonr ns ho was not overhauled. After a great deal of hard work wo got both crafts safely to Capo Town , and there the wholesale murderer was tu nod over for trial. IIo told the story of the poisoning as cool as you please , and I shall never forget his statement of what followed after the liquor was served out. "Captain ho fall down and cry out nnd die ! " explained the ( lend. "Then the mate ho roll over and scream and go dead. Then the sailors call to God to , save 'em , but all go dead in one half hour ! " "Then what ? " was asked. ' Then I laugh tin ! ha ! ha ! and throw' 'em all ovorbo.ird ! Some sink and some float away ! " I was present when ho was executed. During all his trial and imprisonment ho never expressed the slightest regret for his awful crime. There was n de mand that ho be hung alive in chains , but of course nothing of the sort could bo legally dono. Ho walked to the gal lows with smiling face , bowed to the crowd gathered to see him die , and shouted so that all could hoar : "I kill seventeen men , and you kill only one ha ! ha ! ha ! " An Adventure xvltli lloail Agents. KiJ. ( .1 nut-troll ; ; In Uiicmiwtt Uummcrcliil. Pour of us a young lady , governess in in olllcor's family a wealthy merchant , middle-aged the company's horso- sheer , bound for the stables at Denvei and myself , government assayer and mineral exporthad loft Santa Fo , N. M. , on the Santa Fo & Denver stage , ono scorching summer afternoon. It was now about - o'clock in the afternoon. Wo had just congratulated ourselves on being safely ont of the most dangerous passes , and were driving briskly to wards the Canadian fork. The full moon lightened our waymak ing the bushes and trees adjacent east sharp , decided shadows across the road. 1 hail changed places with the liorso- sheer on the roof , for the sake of a little more uir. The "Insldos" were do/ing , but I felt wakeful and alert. Wo be guiled the sultry hours by story-telling. Suddenly I saw something moving in the shadows atiead of us. "What is that ? " I said. Tlio driver looked , his eyes rounding like the moon. "Nothing but a burro , " ho replied , referring to the pack mules that frequently strayed down the moun tain sides. It disappeared quickly in the shade , and from thence , as if by magic , two men , the polished barrels of their rifles gleaming in the moonlight , sprang into the road. They were lingo slouched bombroros and army cloaks. The stoutest of the pair caught the bridles of the loaders ; the other , cover ing us with his Winchester , roared : "Stir a linger an1 yor dead men ! " Ad vancing closer , and keeping us within range of his uuilu , tie shouted : "Pitch out the treasure box , quick ! We're in a hurry ! " The driver began to stammer a reply , but I stopped him with a muttered "Shut up ! Lot me talk to those chaps ! There's no treasure aboard tonight ! " I said this coolly , at I ho same time swaying my body to and fro to got out of the range of the mur/.le ; the man was evidently very determined as well as very near. Ah I intended ho should , ho took mo for an express messenger , and as neither driver nor messenger is sup posed to pcbsoss any valuables they are seldom molested , ' * * "None o' yor nonsense ! " replied the bandit. ' Hand out the treasure or yo'll bee trouble , blast yor ! " The scoundrel at the reins , who hoi tils rlflo pointed ntino' from between the horses' heads , ovldoiHly enjoyed my en deavor to got out'of range , for ho squeaked in a high , falsetto voice : "Does them bur'ls look ? " " " big "Yes , I said echoing the old joke'current among the minors , "yes , I can read nil the adver tisements on the wadding. ' ' IIo gave a hoarse chuckle. "Ily'ar , hy'ar ; heave out thcr specie box ! " roared the rulllai with the Winchester. I.Insisted there win none. "Hero , look at the way-bill If thoro's any such thing aboard It wil ] bo among the Items , " and I made a mo tion to got down , " holding it in my hand. "Stay whore yor are , or I'll shoot'yoi d n headotrr I throw him the way bill. IIo drop ped Ills rifle , and picking It up. looked it over in the moonlight. Profiting by this action , I undertook to slip my pock- ctbook into my boot , and moved un hand round to gut at the pocket. The driver mistaking the movement , whis pered , "Have you got ono ? " The man at the horses' bend noticed our little conference , and veiled at us. Tlio other instantly leveled bin gun straight at my head : "None o' that ! Hands up ! " " \Vo throw up our hands nnd he ngain turned to the way bill. I did manage , though , to slip my money into my boot. "You see tluro s no mention made of the tteiibitro , and it was sent , it would bo noticed on the bill. How- over , yon can got up and look in the box and satisfy yourself. " He hesitated a moment , then climbed up , rille in hand , nnd looked in the box ; in doing so ho kicked my valise. ( As a government expert , I vis : well known to the bankers of Santa Fo. They never hesitated to trust mo with largo amounts of money , and this trip was no excep tion , having with mo nearly $15,01)0 ) in gold , secured partly in an inner belt around my waist , partly by a fnlso bottom tom improvised in my valise by gumming strong wrapping paper over the precious parcels , an inner lining of the bag. ) "Open this hy'ar grip1 ! cried the road agents. I did so , carefully taking out the contents and letting him look inside ; the wrap ping paper decoived'hiin. "Naw , " ho growled , "tliar's no treas ure on this stage , but we've sworn tor have two hundred tonight' an' of wo don't fin' it in yor treasure box wo mouglil I'm' it in yor baggage. Who's inside ? " "Two men and a huly. None of them rich ; one of them is.tho hotveshoer , go ing to Denver to shoo the company horses. " "We'll look at 'cm. Whatever hap pens , don't yor move on yor life. Wo may find the cash on them , ur in the baggage. " The "insido" appeared to be stooping. The man rattled the door and roused them out to be searched. They obeyed , apparently half asleop. IIo placed them in a row. "Hands up ! " ho said. "Now fur yor pockets ! " The horseshocr had but'$2 in silver ; the merchants purse showed only a ten and a few small bills , and the young lady's nothing but her papers and a little change. The poor girl looked as if about to faint. "You're an ornary Crowd tor have so ' little with yor , " ho'etmrled , "nn' I've a good mind tor sundyar all tor blazes this cussed night. Twobundrcd , we've sworn tor have , BO we'll ' have tor rip up yer baggage. " This was uttered with infi nite distrust. " The merchant then spoke : "You 11 find nothing of any account in our bag gage , but if you will ask this young lady for her hat , and can find the one thou sand in bills she concealed in it just before fore leaving Santo Fo , I think you will certainly consider yourself repaid for your trouble. " The girl turned towards him with blazing eyes and uttered tlio word , "Traitor ! " Ttii'ro was no escape ; the hat was taken possession of. After the lining had been carefully ripped out , it was returned with a few gruff words of apology. "In luck , by heavens ! ' , cried the highwayman , oxultlngly. "Pilo in , all , and bo d d tor yer. Sorry fur yer loss , Miss , but weji-o boun' tor take all wo kin git. We ain't pot no treasure ; but this hero'll do 'bout ' as well. Drive on ! " "I want the way-bill ! " I said excit edly , for the scene wo had just witnessed nail raised my indignation to lover heat. IIo handed it to me , but it fluttered under the horse's foot , and I again de manded it. IIo picked it up , climbed the wheel and handed it to tno. Then , turning to the young lady , lie said grtillly : "But fur this lining , young woman , ye might all ha' been lyin in yandor ditch. No treasure aboard ! Come this way agin 'thout it an' we'll settle yer ac counts , blast yorl Now git ! " Wo gladly followed this advice , but could not find language strong enough lo express our opinion of tlio merchant. The driver nuido thp air fairly lurid with his sulphurous profanity , and the young lady answered all attempts at consolation with hysterical sobs. The merchant alor.o appeared to retain his cool equanimity of temper. Arriving at Denver no bogged very earnestly of the young lady , with mo as her escort , lo grant him a few moments for explanation in a private parlor. lie pleaded so fovorently that she gave a reluctant assent. IIo closed the door UK ! bolted it , which looked n little strango. ( "Don't bo afraid.said ho. ns I foil for my revolver. Sitting down lie pulled on" his boot and fronntho too took out a wild of hills. S.lid hu. "Mv nnni-nliild. ct mo make rostitullon. Here are ? SlW ) ( in bills for the 81,000 you lost" landing her two $1,0)0 ) bills "your lin ing was a God-soiid to me ; if they had searched mo further they would have secured twenty insteltl ( of ono thousand. And besides , concealed in my baggage ire diamonds and otlor | precious stones , which , if they had sreurcd , would have ) eggared moTaKlng a , beautiful soil- .airo from his vest lining ho presented that alho to tier. "I should have ox- ilalnoil in the st.-igo , " ho said , "but vails have oars , amlAvhy should I trust the others with my 'ilio Uij : * Party. Have you been invited to a bag party vet ? They are qulUj the latest tiling. 1'tio g tripod pa pur used by grocers is lasted into tlio form of a lingo bag , vhioh envelopes n young woman or man , s tied tightly about their respective iccks and lias onoaingH for the feet , vhlch latter mercifully settle the quos- ion of hex , the inasculino extremity icing easily dtstingjilshablo. Another iag covers the head , ' is tied about the lock and has openings for the oycs. At i given signal the bags burst and the niUorlllcH , very much heated but radl- int , emerge to prove how very mistaken svory ono has been conco-nlng the dontity of every ono else. Too Stingy to IjlvK. A rich mlbor in Detroit , too stingy to > ay a physician's fei < and too proud to illow a city dootor to bo called in , died ho other day simply for the want of iropcr medical old. inn. ru'ln.iits. Ills Aniido. Detroit Free Pressi "Hubby , " said the new wife , "I fear you have some family secrets crots which you have kept from mo. " "Family "ccretsi I" "Yes , dour. II ivo yo'i ' not an aunt who is not what she should bol" "II An mint I U'hv , what dr > you menu ! ' "O , I know , and I respect your solicitude for her morals ; but , my dear , you should no have kept the mutter secret from ino. 1'ossl bly I could help you in the good work. " ' I don't know what you uro talking abou my dear. What do you mean I" "O , I know It all. I heard you last nigh talking lu your Bleep about making vour autitlo good. " A Stickler for Form. Detroit Free Press : Dlullclgti Goo < morning , Hwellery. You will pardon me , : hope , out I have some bad news for you. Swcllory Pwuy , don't tell it to me , oh boy ; 1 eawn't heah It , don't you know. It's such liad fawmdon't you know. Hlutleigh The deuce , you say. How do you make that out ) Sweliory Aw , mo bov , evil communica tions cowwupt good maniiahs , don't you know , and wcally you must excuse mo 'for not hcawlng w'at ; you have to toll , ftwcak il gently , pli-asr , to my valet , ho will attend to the mnttah. ( .Jood mawniiig , old boy. -Making ( In ; .Most ol'Uppoi t unity. Fhegomlo HIaotter : "Sunposo you come dine with us tomorrow ! " "Wouldn't the ilav after do lust as well ! " Inquired the poor relation. "Certainly , but where are you going to dlnu tomorrow ) " "Right here. You see , your wife was kinil enough to ask mo for the occasion. " A ltd tor Siilionic. Epoch : Minister Tommy , if a bad boy should dare you to , would \oa knock the chip oft his shoulder ( Tommy Xop I'd knock the head offon iiis shoulder. nl" Affection. Washington Post : "Ha ! Kiddorly. old boy ! Congratulate you. I understand Mrs. K. has prohented you with throe little pledges of affection. " 'Well , yes. The fact Is I hare boon In the auditor's ofllce so long that 1 kind ot expect all vouchers to be presented In triplicate. " Literally. Milfoil Cuiirlrr. Ho softly stroked his upper lip , A callow youth was ho "Pray think you not that my inustacho Js very line to seei" To which the maiden mndo reply : "Indeed , I think I might With perfect truth and candor soy , It's simply out of siirht. " Ho WUM nidi. Yankee Blade : Hurly Wo always hnnp Uncle John's pictures in a prominent place. He is nn artist , you know. Uurly A gooil one , I suppose. Hurly No , Indocil. He doesn't know the ilrsl thing about painting. Hurly Then wny ( Hurly O , he's very wealthy , and my wife expects to become his heiress. Hob JUirdPttu : "Don't yon want a stoop on the housoj" asked the architect , noting his cli ent's Instructions. "N-no , " slowly replied thu client , "I guess not : I'm goiugto have a eoUploof lions on it , and I don't want it de formed out of all grace and reason. " Jlis Standing Juke. n'iilf iiL'altc. "How many legs1' ? asked Grandpa Jim , Of each urchin who came visiting him "How may legs has n sheep , If you cull Ills tall a leg how many in nlli" Always the answer prompt would bo , "Pntintliifr his liitt. sli * flvii hn * hn " "Wrong , " smiled Grandpa Jim , helms four ; Easy to prove that no shcup bus more ; .For calling his toll a le , my son , Doesn't by any means maUo it one. " On Ills Knees. Detroit Frco Press ; "WhoopeeI Jimmy , I seed more fun 'n you cud got into nu ocean steamer. " "Wot wuz it , Tommy i" " \V'y , it wuz that gawk of n Jobson a pro- posln1 to my slstor. " "Did she hev 'nit" "Course she did. I toll you , Jimmy , 'twas Illicit work , though. Ono minnut ho wuz on His knees 'n ther next mlnmtsho wuz. " "Wiiz what on herni" "Naw , you gump , on his'n. " A Sul * r .male. Epoch : "Why do you portnit such Impu- loucof" snid the Pullman traveler to his companion , after n quarrel with the porter. "Can't liulp it. He's thu porter. I'm only i director in the company. " No Leisure. "I'll wait until you nro at leisure , " said a caller to the editor. "I'm nfr.iid I'll bo of no use to you when 'M uciul , " replied the editor. What Hit Shot. Washington Pott : ' 'Good morning , Mrs. Johnson. Is Augustus at honiol" "No , sah t ' ( Justus am gene shootin * dis nawnin' , sub ! " ' Shooting ! Why , whatkind of game does 10Hoot at this time of the year ) " ' Deed , sah , I doan eivnekly reekorlec do lame or do game , but I 'pears to remember icarln" hit culled crap. " .Measure ol' Happiness. IJ'itK/imt/dm / atnr. Ho drank and sighed ' 'my great distress No longer lingers ; The measure of man's happiness Is Just two lingers. " Vice Vormi. "Kuldo , old hey , do you dictate much to your prottv typewriter nowadays i" "Dictate to her ) That little rcd-hcadod thing over there ! No , sirl Sbo dictates to me. " L'p Appo.irnnocN. Now Yotk Telegram : "I toll you , Jabson , ho told nothing but the bald truth ! " " 1'osslbly , Hobson , possibly. Hut I'm afraid it were u scratch wl j at the time. " Hliyincfl. i'ureat nnd Sticnm. All Angler went out to llsh , A trout cnmo along with a swish , A brilliant red hucklo And other line tackle Went off. The owner sold "pish. " SHOUT . .t.vsti.ntr. . The busybody Is a very idle person. Many a reputed wag turns out to ba merely a scalawag. The demonstration of canine Joy begins at the ( tint. The reason why a fly Is generally monarch absolutely of a buld head Is because there is no heir apparent. The coal magnate's standing In the com munity is weigh up. Somebody has counted them up and llnds that there are 7-0 women lecturer * In this country. This doesn't include thu Caudlo lectures , of course. Oh , no. The summer girl seems to find soda water n llzzlcal necessity. Every dog has his day , but U Is a mean cur that will bark at night. Whether freezing or broiling It Is always "mean" temperature with some people. Cupid Is ox-onlclo a member of every archery club. "Tako n 'b.ill' with mo , won't you I" as the duellist remarked to his antagonist , A crusty employer bjllovos that a laborer is worthy of his iro. U is a gicon turtle that will got in the soup. HirJs novur quarrel over a dllTurcnco of a pinion , "In getting through a falluroHUCCOfisfully , " says old Mr. Cumrox , "u good deal depends on u man's llo-iiljilltlo " Inland l.ukt's. Youth's Companion : it ii not generally realized ttiat tbero are in tub country Liter ally millions of lakes which tire available for water furmlnj : , In size all the way from moro ponds to Um greiit inland own of fresh water. In Illinois iilono there : ux > tens of thousands ol lakes , and hundreds of thousands more cai bo readily created. Tht'ro are In Illlnol" mmy extinct hiKcs , which can bo onsllv transformed Into sheets of water by the sfniplcst means. All the enormous "I.nko IMuiii. " ns It Is known to geologists , comprl.itiig Wisconsin , Minnesota and Michigan , north of the Ohio river , Is dotted vUth coili-tless shoots of water , condi tions being fnvorniilu forcn-atlug many moro by such Inexpensive artillccsas the damming of slronins. liy damming at Intervals , every creek and rivulet can bo made to form artificial lakes. Even the vast arid region , the "Groat DM crt" of the wo < t , Is speckled all over with multitudes of extinct lakes which ran bo filled OIICQ more and madu to teem with life , ns they once did. urns. On tinVronu Kodit. New York U'eeltlv : I'lrst Mttlo Girl ( at fushionnblo summer resort--rm ) awful glad to got ' ( iiialnted with you. 'cause you're nice. Second Littlu Glrl-So'm I with you. That's w.tiat wu como for. Mamma says so herself. " "To get ' ( lualntedl" "Yes , with nice people people In society , vou now. " "Why , that's Just what mamma wants. We're to get 'qualnlcd with pcoplo in soci- "Aim you In society in the city ? " "No. You arc , aren't youi" "No. We've been rnkln' and sijrnpln' the whole winter to rome ticro and get 'quainted with people in society , you know. " "So'vo we. " "Then ' vou , folks ain't anybody at home ! " "No. " "Neither are wo. " "Guess there ain't IUULU use in us gottin' 'quainted. " ' ' Guess not. " ' Good-by. " "Good-by. " _ \Vliiuli Is On root. Detroit Kreo Cress : Of course Detroit can successfully claim some of the very SWIM test nnd prettiest nnd most natural mid brightest girls that over drew the breath of life , but u'l ' of them are not quite up to that standard. "Mamma " s.ild of these , ono not-qulte-up , ' Is it proper to say that a horse is bow-legft'cil in his fore-limbs , or bow-limbed in his lore- legs i" And the good mother looked up from hoi- work of sowing a relnforcomont on the seat of Jotinnln's pr.uts and never said a word , but , on , that look. Saving tlio < Boston Transcript : Little Edith had thr habit of eating out the soft part of her bread and tucking the crust under the edge of her plato. Her mother had frequently reproved Edith for this reprehensible practice , but it appeared to hnvo no lasting effect. The other evening KJith was detected at her old trick. Said her mother : "KcJith , how often have I told you about leaving your crusts ? Tlicio may come u day when you'll bo glad to got them. " ' Yes , mamnm , " replied Edith , with a nc- murc. whimsical countenance , "that's what I'm saving 'em for. " 'I lie Apple of Mis Hyc. ) "on/rx ( / rump IH'OH. ' Our farmer loves his cheery wife , His land and stock ; right well his pipo. Hut ask him what's the blithesome thing That brightens up his humdrum life , He'll say no daisy dots the crass With pinker cheek than his .sweet lass ; No merry birds-song can rejoice The heart , llko her melodious voice , No little lassie half so fair Ho found la all America. At this I see two red lip's pout As if there might bo room for doubt Aslc your pupa there , Just for fun ; Ilo'll toll you mat ho knows of ouol It Diiln't \Vorlc. Detroit Free I'ress : The mother of n Detroit - troit miss who has not attained a great num ber of years , but has contrived in that time to got a reputation for being "hard to man age , " was. recently told by way of encourage ment that she was doing bettor , "A friend remarked the other day , " said her mother , "that you were much Improved 1" "Uiitsl Mummu , " said the hopeful child , "sho only said that to flatter you. " ' 1 wo Ioyn. ! Good News : Little Daughter O mamma , lidn't you say that Dick mustn't go with that neighbor's boy ? Mamma indeed , I did. "Well , he's with him behind the barn smoking cigarettes. " "Horrors I Is that dirty faced boy leadi ng Dick to smoke cigarettes ! " "No'm. Dick's tcachin' him. " The Way It Iliippeno : ! . Harper's Unzar : Ethel Mamma and 1 were attacked by the tr.imp and I threw a stone and knocked him flat. Maud How did you como to hit him with t ! Ethel I fired at mamma. AVIiy Doesn't She Move ? A Haiti moro lady , with her little daughter , net an acquaintance on the street , and topped to ask utter a mutual friend. "Sho s II ! , " said the acquaintance. "Indeed , she KIS been nwct tn duuth's door with thatfever. " -Mamma , " said the > vise little maidthouglll- ully , as they walked on , "If that lady you vero talking about Is next door to death , vhy doesn't she move I" A Solt Hiiap. Philadelphia Record : "Say , I'd llko to nap your face In n kodak , " said a Park outli to a pert miss. "Would you , Indeed , " oturncd tlio miss snicastieally , "well , you'd mvo n soft snap of It then , " and sun passed n triumphantly , convinced In her mind that ho hud got off a repartee. Chrlmifiii Neighbor How do you like your now loighborsl Little Girl Mamma says thov is awful nice pcoplo , real polite an' Christian. 'Has ' she called ( " "No , but we've sent In to mrrow a da/.en dllT'ront things , an1 they Idn't once say they was Just out. " AVIiy They Ci-y. Washington Star : "Mamma , do dogs and ats go to heaven ! " "No , dear. " "Well , then , mnma , let's don't scold them ny moro if they IIo uwako nights and cry. " "What are you crying about , my little nan I" "Jimmy O' Brier licked mo Ilrst , nn1 then uthcr licked mo for letting Jimmy lick me , n' then Jimmy lirkod mo again for telling athcr , an' now I suppose 1 shall catch u gain from father. " A IVnyor The flvo-yeur-olu boy had seen his first wed- Ing and naturally the family asked him what 10 thought of it. "I'ooh ! " he said disdainfully , "II'H nothing but a prayer meeting with a soclablo after it. " .Icrsoy Vlnltorrflii I'lirls , A Purls correspondent writes : "Mos- ultooH , are , I venture to say , for the Irst time within the memory of the old- st Inhabitant , a plague of many parts of 'arls. The dampness of the Spring is 'aid ' to bo the i-oason why they nightly ni/.z , blto and leave the face and hands ovorcd with hard , red blotches , I tut I icllovo the trno CIUIKO Is the wholesale cstriictlon of Solno lish when the Ice lee < In that river were being dynamited ast winter. 1 never milTcrou so niiiuh in varin weather In any part of the booth ( KIMIICO from mosquitoes IIH I havu lone this week. If ono tills by a lamp icar an open window along many of the jonlovardH a aWarm of them assails ono. . 'ho iiioh < tuitp bud not not being used in 'urirt , ono lies duwn at night unpro- fi.'trd , and in liulj.o to risein the morn- ng with a disflgurrd face in u btuto of uunful llixtmt C tirlr. When I wa * 1ml a callow youth And Hlngtown scorned the world to mo 1 thought Miss Dolllo Hennessey A paragon of glris , lu truth , A being who would tuko the prlco Among the hosts of Paradise. And when she spurned my proffered hand And took Jim Robinson's Instead , I vowed that ne'er In nil the land Could hope for mo its radiance shed. Hut when some years had passed and I , Meanwhllo a wanderer , returned To Hlngtowu , and , In turning by A cottage , suddenly discerned A freckh'd slattern , grossly stout , From a dull ixm-h rush wildly out , Hnatch ip : an urchin by the c'ars And to.ss him through thoopou door , Chase from the lot a yoke of steers , Jump a r.ill fom-o and hurl a score Of cobulurs at a passing tramp , Ktck-i ' Newfoundland dog and stamp TWO'MIIIUCS to bits , then to the cot Swoop back and yell In accent. " hut , "You Jim ! Como hero , you lazy lout , And sweep this mensloy kitchen out:1' : When thU 1 aw and heard , then learned , As from my ramble I returned , The diimo was Mrs. Robinson , This comment through my mind did run : ' The .saddest words of tongue or pen , Are surely not It might huvu been. " .tnovr .MK.V. MMIK TW MN1I JOB Ml'Id'lIY. Hugh Coylo , n well known former resident of this city who is now In advance of Foro- paugh's , says the Kansas City Times , told an Inti'iv.sting story yesterday about MnrK Twain and a heartless Joke ho played on Joe Murphy at au actors' fund banollt. Mr. Coylo lit that time had the managmi-nt of the benefit , which was given In the Aenilemy of Mlish ; , Philadelphia , nnd was a gt-i-ut affair. Joe Murphy was down on the programme fot1 a pathetic scene from "Kerry tiow. " and Marie Twain was to render n brief lecture on "Tho Tragic Tulo of n Poor Irishwoman. " "A L-ruvuyard sreno that was hard to heat , " said M ' . Coyle , "was provided for Joe Mur phy. While he was in thu midst of his pa thetic performance Mr. Clemens called mo into his box and said rather hurriedly : 'Mr. Coyle , I must catch a train in u few minutes and must go on thu .stage as soon as tills se lection is ended. I will go on In the graveyard - yard scene. You need not change It. " I thought it strange , but Mr Clemens Insisted , and sol wont to tlio stage mamigcrand told him to ilx things so Mark Twain could bo rn s lied on in the grave sccno while Murphy was In the dressing room. There I would try to detain him until Twain had finished 'Tho Traffic Tale of a Poor Irishwoman , ' for I Knew Murphy wouldn't llko It for his grave yard scene to bo used. I couldn t detain Murphy outside the theater , mid when ho ro- cntcrcd there stood Mark Twain in the midst of tombstones , mounds and vaults composing his pravoyard scene. Ho was saying : " 'Ladies nnd Gentlemen : I have long- sought tor such an opportunity in thK Sev eral years ago I was connected with tlio Phil adelphia Ledger. Hero among these graves and in this solemn spot I wish to .say that i never wrote any of the obituary poems pub lished in the Ledger. Tills was a great hit , as the Ledger's fad at that time was obituary poetry , The crowd roai-cd and Murphy grow red in the face. Ho was very angry for a time , but 1 suppose ho bears no hard feel ing for the supposed trick ho thinks I played on him , and so I give ttio slory and an ox- plnnalion of how the ludicrous Incident cama about. Twain's speech In Murphy's grave yard lasted half an hour and kept tba house in constant laughter. " a.iurici.n AND A nnroiiim. "There Is ono speech the late President Gnrllold uttered which 1 am satisfied has never boon printed , " said a Chicago Time * reporter u low days ago , when n group were talking about old-timo political matters. "I wrote it. nt tlio time , but in the great cxclto- ment of a presidential convention ami the mass of matter tlio paper had to print dally this little speech got lost In the shutllc. "It was at the time of the big republican convention hero , " continued the reporter , "when the gallant 'toil stuck so nobly to- Grant , and Mr. Garfleld was so suddenly nominated. You well remember It was gen erally understood that Gurficld was to nom- I mi to Sherman , and the fact that Sherman was not nominated and Garllold was led many peonlo to hint at treachery. However Una may bo , wu Icarnud at the nfnYo that Garllold was going to make his nomination speech that night , and to save time , as it might bo a long speech and bo late , I win sent to see if 1 could got It in advance. Well. I found Mr. Garllold at his hotel and told him what I wanted. His reply v/as direct and to the point. " 'I can't do It ' ' , young man , said he , 'and fm * Mm hnsl , ronsnn in thn ivnrldt F Imvo tin speech prepared. ' " Well , but , General , ' said I , 'you nro go ng to speak tonight ; you must mm'ly hnvo iiitllned in your mind what you are going to say ; won't you give tno n synopsis of it ! ' ' 'Now , whin's the use of talking ! ' OK- clnlmcd the general , throwing out his arms , n an emphaticgesture. . 'I have told you I i.ivo no speech prepared ; ono e.in't show a jabv before it is bom ; my speech is not bora yet.1 " An insurance agent was trying to Induce a iard man to deal with to take oul a policy In il.s house , says the Sun Francisco Examiner. \fter listening to blin for 'an hour , while ho minlcd in vivid colors the extreme danger of ire consuming the house , the hard man lo deal with .said : "Do j on really llilnk llml my house will mini down Inside the time that the policy will run ! " "Certainly , " replied the Insurance agent , "have I not'boen trying all this time to con vince you that I do. " "The , " said the hard man to deal with , "why Is your company so anxious to bet mo money that It will not ! " The agent was silent and thoughtful fora moment , then ho drew the other apart Into an unfrequented place and whispered In his car : "My friend , I will impart to you a dark so- cret. Years ago the company betrayed my sweetheart by promise of marriage. Under mi iiHsuiMnil ntimo T hnva wai'mod invfldlf Intn its iiervicu for rovango , and us thuro Is a heaven above us I will have Us tioart'i blood. " WILLIAM'S noon TIMI : . When the Sunday evening train caino Into the Long Islund depot , llroolil.vn , from Cnnnrsle , says the Now York World , thcro WHS a woman waiting for it. She had been waiting mi rl.v an hour , nnd as aim waited she explained tn those about her : "I cii'iio down to meet my husband , William. The poor man went down lo CannrsK-10 have a irood time today. " The train finally rolled In , mid pretty soon two men caino leading a third botwvon thorn into the station. Hu hud no hat or coat , both eyes were in mourning , and his nose four tlnioi lee nU , and ho looked lilio a man who liad boon plnylng with thn lly-w'hcol of u ( JOO- her ' - power angini * . "Wllli.im. IH It you ! " asked the wife , as she ruhhed forward. "Yes , " ho slghud , m ho looked up. "I cnmo to meet yo'i. You have liad a real good time , and I urn so glad ! Lut us go humu , darling , " AM I.Ml'KiniNKNT IHIIflOT. Tliuro Is u parrot In Hu Louis , which ox- claiiim , whenever a nvin enters the roomi "You'ro drunk , Mr. and had bettor go away. I don't want to see you till you'ro over It. " Pcoplo wundur how the bird catches on , but thi ) explanation in Miuplo ; II doesn't Know how to nay anything else , and of cotirso In niuklng ttio remark to ovcry man it frequently - ly gutH near homo. Ono gentleman who called thought It was the lady of l ho house speak , ing , and rushed out of the parlor. She sat down to wrho a IK.to of explanation lu him. when to her aum/.ument a M.-rvunt bruught her u note from the gentleman she was writ ing to. In which ho stiiton thut hu acknowl edged with humility that ho had porlmpi taken too much wlno with hit Junior , but ha'l hoped on culling on tier that she would not have detected it. An nho mid dona so , however , ho offered his most ubjcut upoluglua aud u prayer for forgiveness.