] Phk. fcO Part II. FHE OMAHA DAILY BEE < A 1 Paes 9 to 12. 1 X TWENTY-JttKST YEAH. OMAJ-IA , SATURDAY JULY - 25 , 1891 TWELVE PAGES NUMBER 37. TWO HIA HIM ) . .If. Illl If/ | . "Ill toll you sotnethlnir , " says little Hello , "If you're cortnln , sure jou'll novcr tell , "Well , tliuii. " whispered the little innld , "My papa , 11 great , big man's afraid. " "Oh , Isn't that funny enough I" laughed Sue , "Your pnpn's afraid , nud mine is , too. "Not of bcnrs. or timers , or bumble-bees , It's something a thon'ond times worst ) than those. "It's n tcirlblo thing that goes up and down Through every city , villitKO or town , "And my pnpii says ho almost knows That things will bo ruined wherever It goes. " "Yes , Isn't It dreadful , " says Hello with a sigh , ' It will swcnr , nnd , p-ipa says steal and Ho. "I s'ppct It has horns and cloven feet : And , Sue. wlint do you s'po o It will eatl" Then closer together drew each llttlo maid , Looking about u.s It half afralil They might see the thlnir with cloven feat , And find It Jikod llttlo t'lrls to eat. And then tlioy fancied they heard it roar , And it gobbled them up and cried for more. "Oh , it'i nnmo , " cried Hello , "it's HO dread ful , too , Does your papa call It 'Republican , ' Sue ! " Sue shakes her head. "Oh , It ciin't bo that , For my papa calls It -Democrat.1 " A When Johnny Diiquosno died of t.\phoid fever at hit ) homo In the Fair L'iko Stream settlement , New York , tlip'o years ago , says the Sun , the people ple around mourned the loss of \ man who was the hero of one of the wildest IWCB for love and liberty this partof the Adirondack region ever saw. At the time of his deatli Diiqno-no was a fanner and woodsman , hut at the time ho made a name for himsoif he worked as a guide , a bark neeler or a logger , lls occasion oll'oied. Ho wns a handy young1 follow at either occupation , but he was as fond of a iidillo as a bear is of molasses , and never allowed work to interfere with an opportunity to attend a dance. Ho would at any time fro anywhere from Herkimer to Ilooiivillo was a hop adver tised , and let a chance to pilot half a doxen rich cltv folks into the woods go to a neighbor , though , as all guides know , a job of that kind is commonly worth from $7f > to $100. . Because of his love of a good time and lack of thrift Farmnr James John Rob erts scowled whenever ho saw him , for leth , his daughter , was very plainly in love with the reckless North Woods num. Farmer Roberts was not going to allow a girl of his to marry a man who was "Buro to como on the town inside o' ten years" not if ho could help himself. As most fathers do in such cases , ho relied on his authority as a parent to prevent the match , and thus made a mis take. Johnnie came no moro to the Uob- ortft farm after ho was told to keep away , but Kli7.aboth.wont visiting her cousins , the UodgfB , down In RomBon , and called at Bob Pony's , on the Northwood road corners , and went to the Vordans , ever in Bollnertown , moro frequently than before , and it usually happened that Du- qucsno was somewhere in the neighbor hood when she arrived at cither of those places. She always remained away from homo ever night on these occasions , and the young folks of the neighborhood knew , if the old ones did not , that she * sV was as apt to bo found before morning at xjlanco at Hinckley or Trenton Falls or Forostport , as at the place she had started for on leaving homo. Mutters wont on this way for a year erse sohon ono day Elizabeth left homo to go to Uctnson , her father concluded ho must go ever to Forustport to goo Black Dan , a noted character tbore. about _ homo spars ho had to sell. It was ' "rather Into in the afternoon when ho drove up to the hotel , and ho concluded lie would wait for supper. Meantime he learned that a daneo was advertised for that night , and so , since dancing in Forcsport always began immediatev ! after supper , ho thought ho would look in and see the first quadrille. Ho ap peared at the door. Thwo at the far hide of the room stood Miss lillnaboth with Johnny Duquesno. the girl looking the handsomest he had ever seen her , as * " ho often bald afterward , and Johnnie "not so bad o'ft hadn't boon for his pi/on la/iiios. " His first impulse was to go in there and take Miss Kli/.aboth by the arm and march her out of the room. Then ho recollected that Forestport young men didn't countenance any such interruption of their fun , and that Forestport boys were bad ones to tackle. If ho wont in thus ho was likely to bo kicked out by the lloor Inanag'ors , and ho was by this thought inclined to diplomacy. His second Impulse was to \\liil awhile. As ho stood by the door considering what to do next , the dance began. " " "Sides. " "Honors to yor partners. "First four rhrht and loft. " "Ladies change. . " Balance four \vhowl The way Johnny and Elizabeth came Hying Brians that room , almost took the old man's breath. It almost took theirs too , when they stopped at the door , to heo the old man standing there glower ing at them. But away they wont again to.their places in time for the next figure , leaving him to consider niul decide if lie could what to do next. They wore caught , but they were gointr to have a good time while they could , nnd lot the old man settle the matter next day. To settle the matter Farmer Uoborts concluded that ho would wait until the dance was ever and then take Kllztiboth home , lie could afterward make up his mind how to break up the match , and with that ho secured a room and wont to bed , leaving word to bo called at fi o'cIoi-U sharp. The dancing in those days usually ended at 0 in the morning. After the old man had turned in , the hotel proprietor slipped around to where Johnny wan seated and explained the lay of the land. Something had to bo done to save the girl from trouble , hut what to do was the question. It took tovorul hours to reach a decision , but at cl ltd o'clock the next morning the young couple loft tlio hotel In thu rig they had tome in and drove on a joir trot out of town and ever tlw rhor near the big tanneries and up the hill on their way to I'rospoeU They were goliitf to see ho M'Uinlist ' proaohor there an 1 got tuarrkd , and then lot the old man got ojmr his linger as bcbt ho might , a luck would have it Far'inor Uol > ort8 woke uj ) just as the couple started. Hearing the nolso of their departure , ho jumped to the window juet in time to fcco iuize ; the ( jiuy hoi c ( .tho farmer's own , by the way ) that Johnny wind -iv- ing. Farmer Roberts concluded they were bound to Romsoti , and the way ho got into his clothes was n caution to tailors to nrnko strong garments. Then down the stairs ho tumbled , calling to the hostler to get out the buck-board "as quick us th'o Lord'll lot yo.and ran to the barn. The hostler got there on the instant , but never before had Farmer Roberts had so much trouble in getting the harness on his horses. "Homo of thorn follars at th' danco'ns the hostler explained , "never take no notice of what they're doing when they put out tliolr critters. They've mixed yer harness up tori ible. " Farmer Roberts thought the hostler might have had a hand in the mixing , but discretion made him kt.'op still on that point , and HO in the course of half an hour ho was on the trail , hot to over take the lovers. As ho mounted the hill btiynril the tannery the 11 rat roy streak'of light appeared in the east , and nlated at the thought of having the quarry soon in view , ho whipped up his nag and was olT at at a paco'that should have accomplished his desire very quickly. Here , however , lie made a mistake. After crossing the bridge over the river there are two roads. The best one.over to I'rospect , goes straight up the hill , but the other , which la longer , turns to the left and goes around by the old tavern - orn that stands near the back yard of the tannery. A cross road on the top of the hill unites the two , and Johnnie , with a woodsman's instict to double on his trail , had cut across to the longer road , Ho thought ho would very likely have a run fo1 ; it. One may go by either road to Remsen , but Fanner Roberts had the better road for that place , and away ho went , and drove nearly a third of the way to his destination without seeing anything of tno white horse. Then ho found a farmer out after his cows who said no such rig had passed that way. "Look at the dust , Mr. Roberts , he said , "Why , there ain't no tracks in it. " Sure enough , Fanner Roberts had never thought of that , and back ho went toward Forostport. Ho had lost a good hour by his mistake , but he had got an idea that he thought would help him. Instead of immediately taking the other road , as ho readied the tannery ho paid $10 for the use of a fresh team , the tannery bays , a famous pair of horses , and then drove over to the telegraph ollice at Forestport. routed out the oper ator who lived near by , and left this message to be sent to Remson , for there was an early train that would get the operator out early there : Constable John Davis : A reward of $ 'J. > wilt bu paid for the nrrest of John Duiuusno | , charged with stealing pray horse of James .lolin Roberts. Till * done he started on the true trail of the runaway lovers at a gait to make the slow-going farmers along the route gasp as they saw him. Meantime Johnny and Elizabeth were jogging along with considerable comfort though both wore excited over the ad venture , and both wore tired after the dancing of the night before. Reaching the corner whore the Romson road turns otT , they suddenly decided to go there instead of to Prospect , especially as that village was two miles nearer. They wore anxious to have the knot tied. . Nevertheless1 Johnny was too * good a hoiKoman to tire out the horse by hard driving when ho might have a race on his hands , and so it was about 7 o'clock when ho reached the long row of wooden houses along the railroad track at Rem- seu station. The main road passed about ono hundred yards from the depot , and as ho drove along ho saw the agent coining out of the station carrying an envelope in his hand. The agent , a good friend of his , hold up his hand. "Drive to Prospect like the devil and John Davis was after you. " ho yelled , and Johnny without a question shook the reins and said "got up. " The race was on , for Farmer James John Roberts with his fresh team was tearing down the road but four miles away. From Romsoti to Prospect it is a nearly level track , and there was no hope of eluding the old man by a side cut or doubling on the trail. Johnny know very well it was a question of speed now , for ho understood the refer ence to Constable John Davis , and that the old man would stop at nothing to in tercept or overtake him. "Get up , Boss , " and ho plied the whip until the gray broke into a gallop and went tearing out of the village with a clatter that startled the sleepy-going people on all sides. It was less than three miles to Piospect and his nag could stand that much of a run. "She's got to stand It , " he thought , as the Hocks of dirt thrown up by the wheels peeked him on the back and head. "Got up , BOBS. By gel , Lib , we've got to run. but we'll fetch the still water ahead o' his hounds , never fear. " The farm folks stated in amazement as they How along the road. Some men ran out thinking it was a runaway. Men in milk wagons pulled hastily to ono side lest a collision upset them. Some recognizeM them and the circumstance and yelled and cheered hilariously , while Johnny gritted his teeth and held a tight rein , and the girl by his side , with Hushed cheeks and her hair stream ing out , looked straight ahead and never said a word. A mile out lies the only grade worth mentioning between the two places. Up this grade Johnny pulled the hoi-so into a trot and on its sjinmit , with the Methodist church steeple of Prospect in view , turned to look toward Remt-on. "Got up , Bess. " There was nothing in sight , but once moro ho plied the whip and in a canter the gray dashed down the long slope and a few mlnutos later was sweating and pulling under the old maples in front of the parsonayo in i'rospoct. The preacher's wife stood smiling In the garden. "Tell Mr. Jordan to como right hero , quick , " said Johnny. Ho was not going to lose any time getting out of the wagon was going to bo married right there. "I can't"said the woman. "He's gone to Wllmurt. " "Groat Lord ! Get-up , Bess ! Wo can roach Trenton ahead yet , " said Johnny , and the horse dashed oil toward Tren ton , but was turned at the next corner around the block , and away they went up the road toward Northwood , where workmen and a parson were building a little Presbyterian church. Johnny had honed to throw the old man olT the trail by the remark and the feint toward Trenton , and ho partly succeeded , for when the father stopped at the parson age and asked where the runaways wore , the wlfo , with womanly sympathy , told him what she had hoard Johnny say , and that they had started toward Trenton. She did not tell all she knew about the matter and Johnny made such a good gain thereby that ho was gallop ing olT the planks at the end of the turn- nlko , up at liang Mills , before Fanner RobertHplunging down toward Trenton , learned that ho was astray. But now the real tight was to como. The gray was getting tired and the road from Gang Mills to Northwood IB four miles long , of which a half mlle is corduroy and two miles are deep with sand. Johnny know ail about It , and it made him groan as ho crossed the brook by the little old walor-powor sawmill and wont jolting over the corduroy. Moro than ono man has thoughi that stretch Interminable , but never before nor since did It scorn so long as it did to Johnny. Half way to the und ho could sit still no longer , and giving the reins to the girl ho jumped out to lighten the load and until the corduroy and tno moro than mlle long stretch of heavy salul be yond were passed , trotted and ran along side saying a cheerful word now and then to the horse and the sweetheart to keen their courage up. Then ho reached the Ninety-six cor ners and jumped in. Although there was still a stretch of heavy road ahead , it was not long. Probably had ho known how near the farmer was ho would have run a half mile more. ' . But ho was soon to learn about the old man's gait. Just a mlle below Northwood lies the Thomas farm , and from the road here ono can look across Holds and valleys to the sandy stretch at the ond. of. the cor duroy some two miles below. Turning his head as the Thomas house waspassed .Johnnie saw a cloud of dust tnroivn.sud denly into the air at the end of the cor duroy , and recognized not only the crack bay team , but the form of Farmer ' Thomas' in shirt sleeves plying the whip. whip.Without Without a word Johnny turned to the gray. The road lay fair before himand ' it was hard and'smooth. . The whip swihhed as it came down on the horse : they wore in the homo stretch now , and they would reach the parson if they kllfed the Morse. Miller's horse was passed in a jilTy. It was a little labored then'ui ) to Luzern Ingot-soil's , but from there down to the frog pond the wheels fairly rattled and jumped ever the rocks. Up hill aguin they climed for a few rods and then down a stoop decline at a rate that sent them round * * io bend near the Boorslioid bridge on two wheels. The o'.d gray was doing wonders , and the hopes of the lovers swelled. In a minute more they were Hying down the hill past Gus Odit's , by the mill yard ; and all this time old Roberts waf leaning over the dashboard lashing his bays and foaming at the mouth in a way that makes the people think to this day that he was for the time fairly insane. The gallon and roar as the runaways crossed the little bridge at the sawmill brought the loafers in the little yellow store iu Northwood out on the veranda to see what iu the world had struck the town , but they had hardly reached the store door before the old gray , covered with foam and trembling with exhaus tion , was pulled up in front of them. At tholiia'lof the store procession stood Dave Thomas , an undo of the girl , with whom Johnny had once had a substan tial row. Johnny's face turned a dead ly palo. If Dave interfered ho would kill htm , and it w.is with the feeling that ho was sived : from crime that he saw Dave run hastily around the store. Whore was the parson ? "He's about somewhere. Reckon ho'll bo hero presently , " drawled ono. Presently ! That won't do. Bring him hero q'uick ah ! " "Undo Dave ! Undo Dave ! " The girl jumped up on her foot , her facp fairly radiant. Then she sat'down again and hid her face from bashfulncss. Undo Dave hold no ill wilt. Ho had , indeed , gone after the parson and hero ho was. The parson smiled appreciatively on everybody , and then as the spectators stood grinning in return slid : "Join your right hands. " A cloud of dust that made Johnny tremble with apprehension appeared on the hill beyond the saw mill. "What is your name , sirV" "John Duquesiie. " "And herV/ " "Elizabeth Roberts. " "John Duquosno , do you take this wo man , Elizabeth Roberts , to bo your lawfully wedded wife , and do you prom ise to love , ohorish and protect her as long as you and she shall livoV" " 1 do. " The bays were plunging down the hill toward the bridge over the brook by the mill pond. "Elizabeth Roberts , do you take this man. John Dttquesno , to bo your lawful wedded husband and do you promise to love , cherish and obey him as long as you and shall liveV The answer , "Yes sir , " .vas scarcely hoard because of the roar of the farm er's wheels ever the little bridge and be fore moro could bo said ho dashed around the corner , yelling : "I forbid ; 1 forbid. " ° "Then I pronounce you man and wife , " said the parson. "Lot us pray. " Farmer Roberts was wild with anger , bnt ho was a devout church member , and when ho pulled up his team before the group , where all heads were bared and bowed and the parson was praying , his religion got the bettor of his anger , and his hat came olT. They say that this prayer was longer than such prayers are wont to ho , and that in calling upon the Almighty to bles's the newly wedded pair the parson did not fail to argue the case with the father nor to impress upon the young man tli3 church's views of a husband's duty. It scorns to have boon a fervent and olTectiial prayer , for they say that the father and the son-in-law became friends then and there , and that Du quesno ceased from that time on to go about the country Booking for .dances and soon became ono of the substantial citizens of the Twin Lake Stream uottlo- ment. Hln ( Jr.-lit Sorrowi Chicago Tribune : "Poor muni" exclaimed - claimed the impulsive , warm-hearted' lady , "you look as If you had known some sorrow. " "You are right , mum , " answered.tlio battered tramp , gratefully accepting the doughnuts and bowl of fresh milk. "I havo. " "May I ask what it is1" ; ' "Yes , mum , " ho said , with his inoiitl ; full. "I lost both my p-ironts when I was nothin' but a small boy. " "Had you no friends ? " "Yes , mum ; I had -an uncle. I lived with him till 1 was a good-sized chunk of a boy , and then he died. " "Anil had you no other friends ? " "Only an aunt , mum. I wont to live with her next. I was vorv lumpy at my aunt's tlll-tlll " "Don't speak of it , my poor man , if it awakens painful memories. " "It breaks me all up , mum ; but there's worse to come. My aunt she " " ? " "Died vt "No. She was a widow , my aunt was , you know , and she up and inarrioii , again. Married a mean , stingy-ornory cuss of a linn. lie drove mo out of the house before ho had been there three weeks. " "And then ? " "And then , mum , " said thn dejected traveler , a frightful spasm of pain dis torting his face at the recollection , "I bud to go to workl" A/v'7' TI1K 'IO.t&TM.S.S. . Itlclntnl tMntleii ftirrtitan. Here's to the maiden of qhshful fifteen ; Hero's to the widow ot fifty ; Hero's to the Iliiuiilltifr extravagant queen , And hero's to the bousowlfo that's thrifty. Lot the toast pass , Drink to the Inss , I'll warrant sho'll prove an excuse for the . glass. Hero's to the charmer whoso dimples wo prize , Now to the maid who has r.ono , sir ; Hero's to the girl with a pair of blue eves , Aud hero's to the nymph with but ono sir. Lot the toast pass , Drink to the lass. I'll warrant sho'll provo an excuse for the class. Hero's to the maid with a bosom of snow , Now to her that'e brown as a berry ; Hero's to tno wife with u fuco full of woo , And now to the damsel that's merry , Let the toast pass , Drink to the Inss , I'll warrant sho'll provo an excuse for the glass. For lot 'em be clumsy or lei 'om bo slim , Young or ancient , I care not a feather , So till u pint bumper qulto up to the brim , So till up your glasses , nay Illl to the brim , And let us e'en toast them together. Let the toast pass , Drink to the lass , I'll ' warrant sho'll provo nn excuse for the glass. IVIKA.S ji EX v.\it.\n-i , . SI. Qt'.VD's FISIUNO IIOI ) . Major Osmun , who was secretary of state for Michigan for two terms , tells a San Francisco Call man that M. Quad , the funny man of tno New York World , Is ono of the most eccentric Individuals In the world and always filled with odd notions. "Just before I started west , " said the najor yesterday , "Quad , Who Is an enthusi astic fisherman , went into a sporting goods store to look ut some fishing rods. After looking obout him he espied nn ash rod In a rack on the wall that seemed to suit his fancy. " 'Now , there Is a rod , ' remarked the humorbt , 'that is Just the kind of ono tbat I want , but you fellows arc too stilt In your prices. I can buy the malorhil and have ono made for less monny. ' "As ho hadn't inquired the price the clerk was Indignant , and politely suggested that ho have ono made. The hint was promptly acted upon , and Quad hastened away to a lumber yard , where for'lio cents bo pur chased a piece ol ash that ho fancied would suit his purpose. A mechanic was employed by the day to make the rod , and ills labor cost ? ! ) . .r > l ) . Tins and ferufos wcro bought for bd cents , and when complete Uio roil repre sented an investment of 8H.S20. but it was a beauty. Taking it with him to tno store Quad' proudly deposited it on the counter , and said triumphantly : T told you 1 could lay you out. Just look at 'that rod and tell me if It is not equal in ovor.v'way to that ono in your r.iok. ' " 'Well , perhaps it iswas ' iho response. 'How inuoh did It cost you ) ' " 'Only ? ! I. * ) . " " 'Cheap us dirt , but I'll sell you that ono up there lor six bits. ' "And it wat a fact. Tho.rods were almost identical , out the regular price of the ruady- made rod was the pricoj named , and the wholesale cost was Justau'cunts. " * * * A TKUC I'lslI STOUT. The gentleman who tolls a big fish story unfortunately lays himself open to suspicion that , in isolated c.oses .has boon proved un just. But not often can ono tell ono like this that the Chicago GlObe vouches for , and provo it by cold testimony that no ono could impeach that of hU wife : "That's not much of a lish story , Mr. vVhito. Why , when I was traveling up ono of the small rivers in southern Alaska 1 saw fish in such great numbers that the water could not bo soon. It was a most remarkable thing , , and I never hoard of the llko before or since. They were actually so thick that they were wodgcd in the water heads down , and nil that could be soon was thousands of ' their wiggling tails sticking up out of the water , oacu ono , of course , having nn Indi vidual motion of Its own. " A shout of lauchtcr greeted Mr.Valkcr from every one except Mr. Whlto , whosu face llushod up hotly , then paled until it was whiter than a sheet , as ho said : "Uut , Mr. Walker , my story was true. " "And true " responded so was my story , Mr. Walker. And the best of It was tbat Mr. Walker's story was literally trilo , as Mrs. Wa'.ncr ' later In the evening testified. It was in the spawning season , and Just above the spot where th'o remarkable sight was witnessed was a narrow rapids. The salmon wont up the stroara in such numbers that many wcro crowded out of the water , and gave to the scone literally the aspect told by Mr. Walker. * # I'AT'S THMl'TATIOS' . Ono of the members of the Now York sen ate , who has passed through a good many ex periences during his lifetime , says the Buf falo Express , was In his younger days a track walker oa a Now England railroad. At each end of his route was a small station. The only norsons to watch him were in these neighborhoods. Pat ( it la needless to say ho was an Irishman ) lived in a small house be- sldo the track , about half a milo from ono of these stations , llo was the fortunate owner of an old hoio nnd wagon. This Is what led , to his temptation and downfall. There was a good wugon road running parallel with thn track all the way. "I'ai. " said the temotcr , "what's to hinder your riding but wean stations ) " "It wouldn't do. " said Pat. Rut the idea had taken hold of him , nnd ono rainy night ho tried it. Ho loft his horse half a mlle from each end of his boat nnd walked to the stations at his usual timo. Over the rest of the distance ho rode on the turnpike , trusting to luck that the track would bu till right. The thing was so easy that it soon becumo a sott\cd \ practice with him. For threij or four months ho guarded the company's property In this way and no ono was the wiser. Then ho was spotted , and a summary discharge followed. "A rnnn with your genius. . for dodging work ought to bo a lawyer , " said , tuo superintend ent. ent."Faith , I think so moielf , " answered the discharged truelc walker , nud-n lawyer ho be came. , * ' TIIR SNAKK IIITE 81'KCIl'IC. Kev. O. M. Todd qf Uvansvlllo , who preached ut the Tabcrnaclo church yester day , says the Indianapolis Jptinml , Is a guest of M. V. McCJllllnrd , nnd t in conversation with u reporter reuiark < 5dt that ho was over aovuiiy years old and 'npt In very good shape , as his right sldo was partially par alyzed. At this ho showed his right hand , upon which the fingers were shrunken , hooked , nnd distorted , und remarked that it all came about through a ratllosimko. "Five years ago , " salit he , "July ( i , while on mv farm at Tuscola , III. , I was bitten by a rattlesnake. " "Did you drink whisky ns nn antidotol" asked iho reported. I'TuscoU was n prohibition town nnd I I was a prohibitionist. It was Impossible to procure whisky that is , for prohibitionists aim the poison had ulniout done its work be fore any coald ho procured. 1 owe my life tote to a son of lU'Hut named Joseph Smith , who llvad about four mllea away. Ho hud whisky and furnlshou mo some , which , us I said , probably saved my lifo. " Mr. Todd is not the uncompromising pro hibitionist ho once was Ho thlnm the doctrine - trine can bo curried to a dangerous extreme , anil cites his own experience. Undo Stephen , art old nogro. had coma to cut the ( , -ruii in the front yard , says the lirandon liuuksaw , and as Lolunol winter Bturtml nut to his onicn ho stopped. 10 greet the old man. "Well , Stephen , " said the colonel , "I hear that you Intend to give your son n educa tion. " "Dai's what I does , snh. I kuows what 'tis tcr struggle along wldout book larnlu' , au' I is "tcrmlned dut my son shan't trabblo bar'- foot ohcr tha snmo hard ro.id dat I did. " "A noble resolution. Stephen. I wish nil fathers felt so. Is your bov learning rapIdly - Idly 1" "Kz fast ez or hess can trot , sah. Why , lust wcclc ho wrote n letter to his aunt dat llvtn mo' dan twenty miles from yerc ; nn1 after awhllo ho gwlno to write his udder aun dat libs fifty mlle awny. " "Why doesn't he wrlto to her now I" "Oh , ho kiln't wrlto so fur vlt. Ho ken wrlto twenty milo first rate , nut I tolo him not to try to wrlto fifty mlle till ho got stronger wld his pen. Hut no's gwino tor irlt thar , 1 tell you. Won't bo more'n er year fo' dat boy ken sot down at onn cornl ob do gumbronmont nn1 wrlto er letter e'lar to do udder cond. " NO AVOCATION' . Hero Is n portion of the examination to which nn old lawyer told me ho WAS subjected when ho applied for a license , say < the Dallas ( Tex. ) News. The oldest member of the ex amining committee Interrogated him : "Aro you familiar with any pamo of chancel" "No , sir. " "Don't you know how to play any game of cards ! " "No , sir. " "Surely you understand euchre ! ' ' ' Never heard of it beforo. " "It can't bo possible you uovor indulged in n game of draw poker t , ' "Yes , sir. it can. I urn a member of the church nnd don't kuow ono card from an other. " "Well ( after n long pnuso of astonishment ) , young man , we'll plvo you n license , hut how in the world you'ro going to mnko u living for the 11 wt two or three years after you start to practicing law is a mystery to us. " ItriUtOS AND When Ox-Governor Axtcll was about leav ing Albunuerque , where as governor of Now Mexico under the Clorolnnd administration ho had resided , ho chartered a car to take his household nnd personal effects to his home in Cleveland , ! O. Ills now Mexican admirers presented him with n pair of burros Just be fore the car , louden with furniture. CK\ , waste to bo started on its oast"rn journey , but the burros must bo sent in it. and by readjusting the load room was made In one end of the car for them. The car arrived all right at Ulovo- land , hut the railway freight agent could not make the contents of the car tally with the bill or lading , so telegraphed" to Albuquerque as follows : "Car 2llll , ! , Lnko Shore road , re ceived ; contents short two bureaus and over two Jackasses. What shall f do)1' ) The reply was : "Put , yourself in place of Iho Jack asses. " * * 4 A UKVK\C3ilT : [ , I'KTITIOX. Some ono told mo the other Jay n story- old it majba. . but now to meof the littto son of a famous English actor , which seemed an uncommonly L'ood one , says the Hoston Transcript. The boy had bean Hogged for some oifonsc against domusiic discipline , and remained in a grave nnd pensive mood throughout the day , and at night 'ho conclu- docUhls prayers with the remurkablo petition : "O , Lord , bless everybody , and make mo a bolter actor than my father. " For striking a sensitive place and through u safe , not to say holy channel , that bit of di plomacy would bo hard to match. * IIVIIIIINO IT 1XTO HIM , . Jim Snlvei'ly had been absent from Austin for several years , says Siftings. tlo re turned not long since , and ono of the first men ho met was Bill Tinkerson. They had Just taken n social drink , when Hill re marked : "Do you remember Sally Juno Bftidarley. " . "That great big , gowlc.v. red-headed girl with freckles as big as u dime all ever her nose , who limped and wa * uglier than u crazv quilt ! " "Yes that's the gal. " "Of course I remember her. Nobody could forgot her. It is impossible to duplicate u face like that. She hud a mouth like n cat fish , airl a smile llko an open vulbc. What of her ! " "Oh , nothing ; except she is my wife. " SA'l VJtHA V fOIlE. A HcoIclcHS Mule. Brooklyn Life : ' -Wai , " began the Missou ri nmn , "that thnr mule " Whang 1 The mule planted both feet , in the speaker's stomach , knocking htm through the bank sldo of the barn. "My heavens 1" cried the tourist , "tho poor man must surely bo killed outright. " "Nope , " answered the Kansas man coolly , "I don't reckon it fetched him. When a man's stummick km stand Mizzury whisky for thirty years , it Hello ! there hu Is now. " "Yep. " continued the Missouri man , re-on- tcring , "as I wussayinc ; that thar mule " Kar and Near. Washington 1'oit : "I wish , " said Mrs. Scripplns to her husband ono Sunday , "that you would go and consult an oculist ui onco. " "Why , " ho exclaimed , "thero is nothing the matter of my eyes. " "Thero must lie , " she wont on calmly. " 1 never heard of u ease where a man was so near-sighted nt the opera and so far-sighted in church. " Summer Itson KsscutlalH. Now York Truth : The essential social quulillcationsof our four great seaside resorts may bo thus opttotnizud : bhapo at-Nurragansett ; At Newport its boodle ; Blood nt liar Harbor , At Long Brunch a poodlo. Train Time. IlungorCommercial : A. Belfast man en tered a business place and asked nt what time the first train loft In tbo morning. "At 0l. : > , " replied the man. "Ha ! ha ! " l.iughou the gontlomun. "I'm right for once , I'll go homo and toll my wife. " "What Is up ! " iibked iho man. "Well , you sco , " replied the gentleman , "I and my wife had a llttlo dis pute about the time the early train lofl and I've beaten her , ha , ha. " "What time did your wife say the train wont outl" "Quar ter before seven , " replied the man. "Haha , I'vo bcatou her and I'll go right home , ha , . ha. " Tone It I ) iwn. Pharmaceutical ICra : A dentist whoso stories are always founded on fact tells of n negro who came to him with his wlfo to have ono of her teeth extracted. CJus being something whoso mysteries added terror to its charms , the solltous darkey questioned : "Couldn't you give her sunin' n llttlo mllder'n ' gas , doetuh ! Couldn't you gibe her gasoline ! " Tlio 1'oet'n It 'VDiigo. Allnntti Coiiftttulmn. "Is the editor iu ! " uskod the poet , with a smile thut wns f.ir from bright. "Ho is , " said iho drowsy printer ; "they run him In lust night. " Then thoDoetJuughed forrovongolssweot and gratefully wont his ways , And softly hummed as ho trod the street : "Tea dollars or thirty days ! " Lobt Her Suit. Washington Post : "Thank you ever so much , littlu boy. I'vo spoilt all my money , nnd If I'd loU my package of car tickets I'd have had to wulk hoii'o.Vhoroovur did you find them ! " "Right hero , miss , In this CHICK In tlio lloor. " "Good gracious mo ! Hero are my car tickets In the thumb of mv glovo. 'Why. this package must bo my now bathing suit , " Lack of ICovcrciico. Indianapolis Journal : "Is young Mr. Golhuni fumlhar with Browning in any do- grcc ! " "Kamlllarf" repeated the Boston muld. "He Is positively flippant. " Not to I o Itcslstcd. Talker-They toll mo the Minnesota legis lature has Just passed n very stringent pro hibitory liquor law. Walker I'm notsurprlaed. What wouldn't n Minnesota legislature pass ) Talker A tiar Is ubout the only thing I know of. A Compliment. Boston Transcript : Kcndersou Had qulto a compliment today. Fogg Sol KendoraonMan told mo ( looked like- looked like coufouud wo U I cau thmk who it was now. It wns n great historical person- npe. Let mo sec- Fogg It wasn't Washington ! Napoleon ! Wellington ! General Grant ! Demosthenes ! Fendorson--Ah ! t have got It. Ho said I looked llko the devil. I knew It wns some great historical personage. I feel ( unto lifted up ubout It , quite lifted up. Tlio lleariMt Spot. You seek the dciircst spot on oarthl Ah , seeker , dry youroyes You'll find It round the corner , where They do not advertise. 1 lie Military Mr i y. Pioneer Press : A eablo dhp.itch says that after viewing the maneuvers of a body of British troops "tho ompiror drove over to Bray on the Thames. " He undoubtedly con sidered that It would bo dtscorteous to bray wtillo the troops were pasting. 'Ilio Killing 1'nsHlon. Detroit Free Press : "They s.iy that Bel- lowes , the : illlanca candidate , is dead. Ho blow out the gas. " "Well , that's u change , anyhow. He's been doing it right along for u living. " The .Modern .Mute. J'tifintmcriiMrtl Km , "Where Is my mtisul" I frantic cried , "In sooth , she lurries long ; 1 fain would have her .sit by me , While 1 mnko up n song. "She has donned her costly ship hat Most wily of coquettes And gone down town to purchase A box of cigarettes. " An Ohjeol of hymputliy. Brooklyn Llfo : "Soo that fellow over therol Ho doesn't know where he'll got his next incul.1 "You . Ho looks " surprise mo. well-to-do. "Ho Is ; but ho doesn't know whether ho'll dlnu nt homo or the club. " Give liim Komrllijiii ; New. lliwli , Said he , "You are a liar , sir. " And thippio answered "Pooh I I'd really much admire , sir , To bo tol.l something now. " Couldn't Do Kvr Puck : Kicking Constituent livery 0110 of your hills fail to p.iss. U'rathful Assemblyman But ovorv ono of the boys who wnnte-i n uass got ono , dHn't they ! What do you want -tho earth ! Summer I'lillosopliy. The chap who tried to win a miss By appealing to her reason Is much less like to gain his bliss Thau ho who ventures on a kiss , Combined withpuntlo sqiioozln' . Tin ; I'owdor Mill. Lifo : Watchman- heaven's sake gel awayl Don't come any nearer ! Scrogglo.s Wot's dcr mutter wld ycr ! Watchman Can't you see that Is n powder mill ! How dare you como so near It with u nose llko thutf Some Summer KII I OIIHMIIH. A'i'ii' ' I'nrlt llmiM , I met four beuuto.ius maidens by the sea , I plighted troth with each and uverv one , I lightly thought , they'd gladly set mo tree ' As soon us giddy summer's days were dono. But no , alas ! they nil of them Mieil me For linncti ol 'promise and each plaintiff won. TIIMit MS i . \ a < ! . ; . \ i-.u A Ttox. How n ( hiu ! o ISoy Works It. Chicago Mail : The wind was blowing stifily und the bridge at Dearborn street was open. "Look out for your hat my boy 1" shouted an old gontlem.in of portly appearance , but he was too late. The hut a battered straw rolled into the river. The boy began crying and due his knuckles into his "eyes. "Wfll , young man , you'll have to buy an other hat now. " "Ain't g-g-irot nothin' tor buy with , " snuf fled the youngster. "That's too bad. Hero's n dollar for you. " Twenty minutes later I was at the Clarke street bridge. "Catch that hat , mister , please , " nnd as the old , worn-out head covering floated into the river a small , bareheaded boy sank down on the pavement , sobbing violently. Three men's hands vwat into their pockets und three silver quarters gravitated toward the small boy. I peered Into his fuco. It was the same lad. A Small Itoy'H Kusta'jy. lln.-tn.i l.tfirr \ , The poets of summer King , This birds may do the same ; And mei : anil nature may un.ta In coming to proclaim. But the Jov of ioot , b.ird and such Is really very dim. Cuinp rod with that thosnull boy leols , Wliu now i.s In the swim. They'd Holler Louie : ut. Now York Recorder : " .Mamma , " said heart-broken hlllo Buss , whoso pet dog him Just tiled , "where has Juck gone , do vou think to heaven ! " "Perhaps , " said mamma , to comfort. Bess thought about it for u while , nnd then resumed : " .Mamma , I guess the tin- gols'll bo awful scared whoa they see Jack comin" along he's so cross ut Childhood. Pharmaceutical lira : Physician ( crossly * You have a very bid temper , mv child. " Small Hoy-I woader at that. Pu told ma only yoitorduy , tn.it if I kept on taking your medicine I'd be an angel In a short timo. Angels tire good tempered ulii't they I" They Vny HiKtxlso Tcolli. Gnlvcston No W3 : Mrs. ICato Williams , u domestic of Houston , Tex. , has given birth to n boy baby with a full sot of teeth. Thu doctors nru pnzih'd. Tuo new arrival Is a perfect child nnd as lively us a newspaper reporter. Not since the Jays of Klchard 111. bus such u youngster been heard of. It Wan All .Makt-ltcliovc. Detroit Free Press : A Detroit mothct who overheard her children engaged in u noisy controversy , looked in upon them with u rt-'inoustruncc : "You are making quite too much noise , " she suid. "O mamma , please go away , " pleaded her llttlo four-year-old son ; "we're only make- bellovo children , und wo'vo got a mako- bullovo mother , and we're making believe we won't mind a word she says.1 A Wine Child. Chicago ( ilobe : Proud Father ( showing off hH bnv before company ) My son , which would you rattier be. Shakespeare or Kdiionl Littlu Son ( alter meditation ) I'd rather be Kdlson. Fond Father Yes ! Why ! Ltttlo Son 'Cause ho ain't dead. A ( ' 'aihcr'NVMi. . Knto Field's Washington : "Dear , the baby's crying. Got yp und warm the milk. " " 1 wish the on by were lilta the stove. " "How do you mean ! " "A iolf-feedor. " A lire Indication. Now York Herald : "Pnhl You could toll thut was the schgol touuhor'u houbo , " uuid Wllllo scornfully. "How/ / " "It has u slate roof. " < \ UlMinrtion. Hurdottc : "You can't add milk to water , can you ! " asked the teacher , "No ! " roared the smallest hey In thn class , his uyes round with ainuznmcnti "never ; you udil water to the mllK. " No Qiihtlonlioiit It. "Pa , " asked Tommy , "was the old Roman what Jumped down tno pit to suvu the town rvhtl" "Yes , my son. Ho w.is dead right , " A Youthful Itiiilor. Baby McKuo Is a bright bov. His story nbout catching six fish aliuwa talent. It is exceptionally Interesting for ouo so youni ; . . * SVJI.1I VII filt\i. Frtintt IMlhltiv. In a quiet nook of the Polar Sea f I drramcd last night I sat , ' In a seersucker coat that reached my knoa. And funning with my hat ; An Iclclo melted and trickled llown To cool my vertebra- , While I nto hniidfuls of drifted show In an ubsont-mlnaod way. I plnyod leap frog with the polar bear , In snow most three feet deep , And thtin I sat in a blast of ntr Until I fellnsU-cp ; And a cyclone drifted up heiips of snow And burled mo out of sight , But I could hoar the chill winds blow Like a ghostly moaning sprite. I hoard the leoborgs groan and grind Through an upon Polar sea ; I wus cool In body nr.d In mind , And Imppv ns I could bo ; Bui I nwoko and heard n "slzz , " Like something fr.ung hot The mercury climbing right up to "biz" To the top of the tube ho had got. . IHHXUN OF l'l..l /'OMi.V. . Miss Minna Gulo has decided to add that line old comedy. "Tho Wonder , " to her repertory. Cn ! ( , who has been 111 lately , has rcoovoroil. and Is acting auiiln ut the The.Uro Frunculsc. Hu Is sixty-eight years old. Look out for u surfeit of tmcen rat "Jokes" and topical song versus b.i the minstrel und music hull singers next season. William Davidee , son of the fa-ninn com- edlam , and an actor ot some note himself , will bo a member of Uoland Ueod's company next year. The play founded on "les Miserablcs" was revived at the Porto St. Martin , In Paris , July II , with Dunmino in the part , of .lean \'ul Jean. "Kujuiikn , " which opens nt the old Boyd Opera house Sunday afternoon , has ino'ro paper on the walls than any other production ever .seen In Omaha. The popularity of the Handel festival at the London Crystal pulaeo Is shown from the uttcndnneo stated , s follows : Hehcnrsiil , ll'v.07 ; Monday , 'JC .iST ; Wednesday , Ul.-ISJJt Friday , ai > , 'JI < ) ; total , hO.TOtl. The operetta by Planquotte , In which Acnes Uuntlngton will appear next season , is called "Captain Therms. " It was written for her originally , and was then sold to Uu- dolph .Aronson , from whom Miss Huntmgton bought it hack , Minna Gale will have Creston Clark fo * her leading man the coming season. Miss Gale's repertory will consist of "Fazio , " "Ingomur , " "As You Llko It , " "Pygmalion and Galatea. " "Gui.lo Ferrnntl , " and "Tho D.iche.ss of Pudiiu. " The season of French plays In London this year was not very successful , but most of the critics utrrce thut Coquelin acted with a liner skill and a creater earnestneis Iliad helms exhibited for . < emu timo. Ho was especially admirable in "Les Fourberles doScupin. " Mrs. Curler is still taking lessens In uctinir. and if lessons can mnko an netrcss she will bo one. She is to appear in "Miss Helyott" next season , and , us this piece Is u musical comedy , she is studying singiii' . ' . Mirk Smith , the baritone , Is to bo a member of the company. Ono of Pincro's plays , "Tho Prolllgato , " has boon adapted for the German stage under the title ol "Falscho Heiligo. " Us production ut Dresden was so successful that It bus boun cuo.ion us the opoiiin ; pluy for " ono of the loading Berlin thoaterj "next siMson. Mr. A M. Pulmor's MudUon square com pany playud "Alabama" during the past week at the Tabor Grand opera house , Denver , tea a series of audiences which astonished the local miinatriT. This week the company Is in Suit Lake. The present tour is under the direction of Mr. Al llaymun. Alexander Salvmi sailed from Now York for Uuropoon the French liner "La GuHcogno" last week. Ho will remain abroad ubout six weeks , two of which will bo sp nt with hii illustrious fiilhur at the villa Sulvini , nciir Florence , Italy. Mr. Salvmi will ulso visit Home , Vienna , Berlin , Purls nnd London. In Puris ho will bu the guest of M. C < qu 'h" , of the Comedio FrnncaUo. There is considerable Interest manifested in George F. Marion's coming appearance la "Mr. Macroni , " a new comedy that has been written with u special view to dUplnUng his ' ability. The piece Is in three n.-Ls 'nnd the lending part Is i.uld to fit Mr. Marion llko a clove. Mamifior Ludlow has engaged nn ox- ccllent snppartlngcoinpauy and the prospects of success uro unu-ualiy oncourng ng. There's nothlnu' like novelty. Hose Coghlrn in her forthcominir play "Dorothy's Dil- ominu , " will appear In one scene ilisiridsed as u youui ; Briiisti officer and will riUo off tl o , stngo mounted on a real horio , real nun fashion. She Is practicing i ow soir.owhoro in the country. Alter the .shade * of night have fallen she bestrides her stci'd and trim to accustom h.M'sulf to the unusual \ ositlon. Ono of thu theatrical episodes to be reached next autuiiin , or early in the winter , is the professional dehuL of Klslo Anderson do Wolfe , tha "society nmuteur. " There has been tulk of it for u year past , and now she has signed u contract to aiyxuir with Ch.irk's ' Frohman's company. Shu is In Purls , where .sho devotes herself assiduously to prepara tion for work which shohasundcrtukcn todo. Stuart Uob-ion is searching for now plays , and Irom his summer homo nt Colmssot , Muss. , ho is in correspondence with several dramatists , from ono of whom ho hopes to find u novelty for next season. If hu docs not succeed in gelling u now iiluy ho will re turn to "Tho Henrintta , " ami will also pluy "Is1 irrlagoa F.illuru ! " und an uJuptatlon of'She Sloops to Conquer , " arranged for the stage by Hobson himself. A severe attack of Influenza is likely to delay the return to America ot Mini * . Mod- Jisslta. It was her Intention to sail from lire- men on July ' - ! ! , but she has bjon advised by her medical attendant to visit some of the watering placoi until completely cured. Mmo. Modjcsku Ins been in negotiation for bomo time with a prominent London actor for her chief suppost ; the other menibor.i of her cnmimny will bo American , exclusively. Lnwrenco Marston Is writing a now play for Lillian Lowls entitled "Ludy Lil. " A dog , u her c , nnd a tiger play active parts in the drama. The part Miss Lewis will pluv is a sort of Adcllna Pnttl of the circus ring. In the second act Miss Lowls dressed In n be witching costume , makes her appearance riding u horse nt full pullnp In the standing uosltioii , n la equostrlcnno. Miss Lowls Is receiving daily Instruction in t.hls class of riding , ami making oxiiullont progress , Boprbnhm Tree will make his ( list appear- aiici ! us llnmlo' In ICdlnburgh In Septuii.bcr , Of course ho Intends to Intiodnco some new readings. Ono of them Is rather Ingenious , although ingenuity , perhaps , might ho bottrr employed. In the line "I'lio cat will mow und dog will have his day , " ho proposes to substitute "bay" for "day , " thus hiingtntf the metaphors Into closer relalIon. Whnttho dogs have dune that they should bo robbed ot thu day to which they have been privileged fur so loiifc' , Mr. Tree does not tell , Things are beginning to look lively In the theatrical world all around. There's u row here , a canreliing of contract there , n dis cussion pro nnd con of thu "real Ihhido nlTutni" of a new combination , u Judicious spreading of thu etcentrlrltles and Indiosy n- cfiiMC.s ( alleged ) of stars with new plnvH , and all shell iirollinliiury udvtirtlslng that tolli. on a the opening of the so.i > on Is not fur uCf. Just why Ihiiulro.s open In August It Is hard to Hud out. Purh.ips . inunun urtlstluhoiiso of fitness theatrical folk think the.v'll "try it on tbo dog" during din. days. Caroline Milliner , the now prlma donna of the lloitonitins , who muke.s her omiratio debut with thatorganiziitlon In "Kobln lloud ' lit the New York Standard theatre , Supleni- ber' S. passed most successfully u very sevtro test in Khowlng her iiiiulltlcntlnns for thu position > thu Is to till. A full rohuarMil of "Mignoii' ' wim celled while the company was in San Fram i.ii-o , and Miss Milliner , wlthnul any preparation or acquaintance wl1.h elilnr the company or UH director , sung without a slip and 'a a manner to completely rnptivuto her future asvoemios. Miss Milliner owes her nUaliiiMMits largely to Mmo. Kusewnltl , iiu luvoiniitishca artist formed ; of the Abuott C peru coinpuny.