Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922, December 07, 1890, Part Two, Page 14, Image 14
14 THE OMAHA DAILY BJ5E : SLUNY , DUOEMBEK 7 , 18W-SIXTEEN PAGES. THOUGHTS IN LIGHTER VEIN. Bomo Straws Gleaned from the World's ' Harvest of Wit and Humor. THE STORY OF A PATHETIC PASSION , .Token A PhllndctpMa Con * Arotisoil An Auxiliary Mno Required \ ClilonRo , Yarn Met lilt Mntoh. UnmervWe JnvniaL , Love Is no stranger to my breast ; Its torments niul Its woes , Its wild desires , Its llcrco unrest No man inoro clearly knows. ' A tlnobblng iias lon , deep , Intense , Torments mo day nnd night , And K'VCS ' mo constant evidence Tlmt somcthluir Isn't right. No maiden coy has won ray heart , No woman more mature Has wounded me with eupld's dart Of that you mny bo sure. And yet , I love ! A benlson On him who'll tell mo why ! For oh I I love roast venison , Anil oh I I love tnlnco pic. After a NoucHRiiry Precaution. Somcrvlllo Journal : Editor Why Is It Hint yon put so many of your Jokes In the form of dialogues 1" I'uragrnpher Oh I can put a headline on them tlmt will explain the Joke. A Tact fill Homos * . Munsey's Weekly : She Our friend , Miss D.IWCOII , Is unwell today. Ho Yes ; she overexerted herself last nlRht. HMO Howl He Shu invited six persons to dinner and ns not one of them was on speaking terms ivlth any of the others , she had to enter tain each ono separately and at the same time. _ Too Ilnd. Now York Evening Star : "Somo people are born with silver spoons In their mouths. " "You don't siiyl Undl there didn't any premium come with my baliy. " A I'ossititc Case. .Tudgoi Mrs.Smnllwnre ( on her husband's return ) What Is this llttlo package marked For my only May1 } Mr. Smullwnre That's a bundle of fprinp s-sain pies , my dear. I expect to bo taken oil the road early in Juno for Rood. " JInw She Ituinumlioreil Him. New York Sun : Husband How did you got along wlillo Ivus nway , my dearl Wifo-1'rettv well. Every night I got out some of your old clothes and strewed them nronnd the floor , tracked mud all over the stairs and swore at myself occasionally , ana it seemed really llko home. The Kruililo Fish. St. Joseph News : "What do you suppose started the Impression that Jlsh was ctllca- clous us brain foodl" "The fact that llsh are themselves edu cated. " "EM1 "Well , thoj go In schools , you know. " A Having Clause. St. Joseph News : Extract from a railroad Imlletlu : "Notice to the traveling public It should bo distinctly understood that the rates quoted by our agent on dressed hogs Bhall apply only ns a freight and not as a pas senger tariff. Tlio Voioo of Chicago Tribune : Grindstone ( at restaur ant ) What shall wo order , ICIlJordatU Kiljordan ( looking over bill of faro ) I hardly know. I am not very hungry. Idon't think I want any meat. "Neither tto I. Let's order a fried chicken. " A "Oantinmnn" Donlcoy. Ad vcrtUcinont in an English Paper : For Bale , a donkey , well educated , of gentle man ners , good looking and a good goer. Has been driven and cared for by a gentlewoman nnd Is a gentleman. Only parted with because - cause no further use for him. Price 50s. No more no > loss. A Piiilnilclpliia Congregation Aroused Hccord An minister Philadelphia : up-toivn ter to get oven with a sleepy congregation , ang out in loud voice : "Wake up hero : there is a man standing before you with half n shirt on his back. " The sleepers awakened and the sisters of the cougreiration presented htm later on with a dozen now shirts. Ho then explained that he was really not in need of shirts. Ho had a whole shirt on when ho made the announcement , but half was on his back nnd half on his front. All present smiled and enjoyed tliu Joke as they now saw An Auxiliary Line Ilutiuircd. Jeweler's Weekly : Sam Washington Now , sah , you's done sold mo do weddln' ring , has you got any razzorst Jeweler \Vo do not keep cutlery. Sam Washington How's do brUo gwiuo to pertec' do jewelry wifout a razzorJ Wont Hooro n Dig Run. Boston Bulletin : "And what Is the title of your play I" asked the manager. "Tho Messenger Boy. " replied the author , as ho prepared to unroll his MSS. "It wont do , " said the manager promptly ; "wo could never got a run out of the messen ger boy. " A Difference. New York Morning Journal : Mistress Mary Ann. Mr. Jones tells mo there was n mau in the kitchen when he wontdown stairs last evening. Don't you remember that 1 told you that I did not allow the servants to have their beaux como'to the housei Mavy Ann Yos'm ; but you see that gen tleman ain't my beau ; ho only wants to t > o. Not Perishable. Washington Star : A colored man , who , n hi few days ago , obtained a marriage license , was at the cloi-Ks ofllco today asking that it ho taken back nud the dollar refunded. The I anxious clerk asked If the license was not : lllled up properly nnd the answer was : "I thought so , but I find the lady is lawfully married ahoady , and of course I can't marry her. " "You don't know , " said some ono in the ofllco ; "her husband may dlo or there may be n divort-o , and the license will keop. " The applicant went off still holding the license. Jiiflt Appreciation. Somorvlllo Journal : Experienced Mothet What does mukoyoulelMr. Oclrlchs flattci you BO , my dearl Inuocent Young Daughter Why , mamma , ho wasn't Haltering mo at all. Ito WAS only saying some very pleasant things to mo about myself. An UrnvlHR PropJirt. Somcrvlllo Journal : BJones AVho Is that seedy-looking fellow over there ) Dlcnks That's the llnanclal odftor of the Dally News. Ujones-Youdon'i say sol Why , he must pot a good salary. What makes him look so uhnhbyI . BJonkJ They say he buys stocks accord ing to his own predictions. Mot Ills Match. Chicago Tribune : The two passengers ivero whlllng away the time by a game ol cards in the smoulng car. "Want to hot on your hand I" said the one with the diamond breastpin , casually. " 1 don't object , " answered the other , light ing a fifty-cent ulgur , "but I warn you that when I start In a game the limit's off. " "That suits mo. I am u retired plumber. " . "And I am n retired paper-hanger. " There wasn't any belting douo on thai game. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ I'll/.i Kssny. Oil City Derrick : A sxveot girl graduate Is credited wltti thus describing the matinct In which a goat butted a boy out of the front yard : "Ho hurled the previous end of hia unatomy iigatusttho bov's afterward with an earnestness and velocity which , bucked by the ponderosity of the goat's avoirdupois , 1m darted n momentum that was not relaxed until ho landed on terra tlrma beyond the goat's Jurisdiction. " Absent. j > tinili ! < l. Boston Courier : The Professor ( at the dinner nor table ) O , by the way , Mrs. Chopsticks. Jiuvo you seen your llttlo boy Willie , lately 1 .Mrs. Chopsticks No , professor , I have uol scon him since 10 o'clock , nnd I can't Imagine what has become of him. In fact , I am very much worried almut him. Professor Well , seeing Martha pour out tlmt plnsa of water lust now reminded mo of something that I had on my mind to tell you some tlrno ago , but which unfortunately es caped my mind. It was Just about 10 o'clock I think , that I saw llttlo Willie fall down the well. Ho Died at Illlnpsoda ! After the battle of Custozr.i , a soldier supposed to have been killed , was entered upon the books of his company : "Died on the 21th Juno , ISfiO , " etc. A few days afterward It turned cut that ho was still nlfve , nnd the honest quartermaster made the following entry : "Died by mistake. " At length there came alottor from the min istry of warannounclng the death of the man at the hosnltnl , when the sergeant recorded tbo fact as follows : "Hcilled by order of the ministry. " Dumb Dialogue" * . Boston Traveller : "Como off the roofl' as the lightning mild to the shingle. "I'm onto you ! " ns the llca remarked to the dog."There's "There's files on you I" was the remark the footlights made to the stage. "You'ro off your null" laughed the axle to the wheel. "You make mo tired 1" said the wheel to the wheelwright. "Oil onto the Jay 1" remarked the sparrow to the thrush , as the bluejay How by. "It's nothing but a bluff 1" said the chamois , as ho looked over the cdgo of the precipice. "I'm stuck on you 1" smiled the fly , when the sticky paper got in its work. It Wan n Imdlproiiq Hlundcr. Jewelers' Weekly : Minister ( to partially deaf bridegroom The ring I whore is the Ing ? Groom ( doubtfully-EhJ ) Minister ( running ono of his fingers around another ) The ring I Groom ( exhibiting the stump of a finger off at the second Joint and looking relieved ) hai's all right. Sue know it was off before ivo were engaged. A Very Ijovely Dress. Colby Thomas Cat : A senator used often : o quote a remark which ho once overheard n the White Mountains nt a hotel where ho ivas staying with hU family. On the piazza ono day n girl near to him said to her com panion , u damsel of her own ago : "O Marianne , I do think that gown of fours la just too lovely for anything , and it s so appropriate to wear up hero ! " The other smiled self-approvintrly. "Y a , " she said , smothiiig down the folds of the frock in question , "I do think this gown sots off the mountains better than any other I over had on. " Ireland Merry , t ( mutch Poor. LowUton Journal : Ireland \\as \ \ compara- .ivcly few towns her cities seem to be Jin- ishcd. Heal estate Isn't worth half price. You can buy property In Irish cities for a long. The decline of the city is duo to the : > rior decline of the country. There is noth- nt ; doing in the country ; the farm is fallow. "Thero is so much heaviness In the air that I am homesick. Jehu please spin your Irish yarns nnd let some sunshine through these dcn skies , " I say. Well.1 says Jehu , "I wan at Blarney last week with an English tourist who began a- chaning me , and at last I got a llttlo over done , 'Tell mu the biggest lie you ever told , ' said the Hengllshman to mo. 'You're u gen tleman 1' says I and ho didn't say no more. " A Chicago Yarn. . Chicago Tribune : "I'm going to toll you something that vou'll ' swear is a barefooted lie , " said Clerk Taylor of the Wellington to day , "but it's the cold truth s' help mo. Fel low ca mo. In the other night from some place down In the country. Hold up , hero's his name , 'J. S. Mather and wife , Metropolis. ' Gave him a room. Ho cnmo down after a while and said : 'I wish you would send " somebody up with a pitcher "of water and a washbowl. How do you expect a hotly to wash when they ain't no water ! ' I told him there was water In the room. 'Just turn the handl'V I said. 'Well. I did , ' ho answered , 'and every blame time I did , the light goes out. ' Well , sir , believe mo or not , out that fellow had been working with the electric lighi nnd hadn't been near the washbowl. " "Don't you believe a word of it , " said Charley Hilton. "Taylor comes from Kan sas. He can't help it , but the folks down thcra hitvp to move away to other states oe- fore they learn there Is such u thing ns truth. " The Uominle Didn't Sing It. Washington Star : There is a big Baptist church colored out in the northwestern part of the city. A man standing at the in tersection of Vermont avenue and T street might hit it with a stone without overtaxing himself. The pastor of the church Is a good deal of a vocalist and nothing pleases his congregation more than his excellent rendi tions of gospel hymns. There was a meeting In that church ono evening last week nnd ev erything was moving along very pleasantly when the pastor said : "Now , wo are going to take up n collection , and If thu amount do nated is satlsfnstorily largo I will sing for you sing anything you ask for , " The congregation then shelled out its con tribution. It must have seen "satisfactorily largo" for the pastor stepped forward and said : "I'll ' slug now. What shall It bo ? Ex press your preferences. " "Annlo Hoouey , " said somebody In ono of the rear scats , and the preacher's wrath was momentarily shrouded In a peal of laugntcr. "I'll 'Aniiie Hooney' you. " shouted the offended shepherd , but the Joker had depart ed with sensible alacrity. A IModt.-l of Uprightness. Chicago Tribune : "No , my son , " said Mr. Verigood , "I have never put my foot Inside of a board of trade building , I have never countenanced by my presence any institution conducted by gamblers. All speculative busi ness. my son , " continued Mr. Vorlgood , with increasing emphasis , "nil business Urn * depends upon the future for its profits Is in the nature of gambling. I have never in vested n cent in a gumbllug speculation , and I never will.1' "How did you make that 1,000 you were tolling us about the other day , father ? " "I made that , my son , by Judicious Invest ments in railroad stocks. " "doing to buy moro railroad stocks with it ? " "Well. no. They are a little shaky Just now. I have Invested it In er an insurance policy on your mother's 11 fo , my son. " A fashion writer "tho says leg-of-mutton sleeves have not proved successful , " hut Dr , Bull's cough syrup still continue : ) to bo useil by everybody for coughs or colds. Don't you Know ) Why , got a bottle of sal ] vatlon oil ; it will cure toothache at once 25 ets. Dr. Blrnoy ourm oU'irrh , Boo bldg A Now Bridges 1'or Flro Hoso. The adjustable bridge for lire Jioso , which homo time- ago was extensively recommended to tliu notlco of flro bri gades , has boon doiiif ; good work in Sun Francisco , in which city u llro recently took place the attendant incidents ol which showed how valuable would have boon the device which has Hinco shown itself so useful. When the Grand hotel in that city was burned the lire hose blocked the live cable lines converging on a principal thoroughfare for many hours in the onrly morning' , so that all tlio merchants , mouluuiics and others going to work at thai tinio wore obliged to take other lines or walk. The cable company lost , it is said , between $00(1 ( and $800 in faros alone by the detention , while the inconvenience to the public was very great. All this could have been obviated by the use of the hobo bridge. The bridge consists of an iron framework , the sides of which stand clear of the car track on either side. On tlio top of the frame is u support for the hose , which is thus carried above the top of the cur nnd no longer impedes the tnifllo on the road. A Carrier Pigeon Servloo. A service of currier pigoond is to be established between Zanzibar and Lake NyivhSii , in Africa Tliu stations will be thirty inilea apart. The most popular gift nowadays is a ncli piece of cut glass. Uorilluger'a American Cut Glass stands unrivalled in beauty ami finish. Sea that their trade-mark label isjon every piece. Your dealer should show it U you. Dr , Blrno cures catarrh , Boo bldg. SITTING ON A POWDKR MINE , Such la the Cheerful Occup\tlon of tha Avot- ago South American. BULLETS VERSUS BALLOT BOXES , Whore tlio Yankee Cast Ills Vota the Southern Brother Get * Ills Gun Interesting Political and Financial Gossip. AYIIKS , Nov. 3. [ Special to THE DEE. J Things are improving I So says tbo London Times , with dignity , at a distance of 7,000 , mlloa. So says the powerful Buenos Ay res press , hilariously , and on the spot erse so says that part of It , at least , which U sub sidized by the national government. So , too , say all the honorable congressmen , 'with noisy and eloquent patriotism , during the line that they draw salaries for this sort of eloquence , beginning promptly at 3 o'clock each day while congress sits. And so says the president himself , just as every other Argentine president has said from 183) until the present day. Yet , despite such an over whelming unanimity of opinion , the state ment deserves to bo taken with moro quali fying phrases than even an English Journal can crowd Into ono sentence. Three months ago occurred the re volution which made this city a three days subject of comment nil over the civilized world. At Its close , when Juarez Column was forced to de part rather hurriedly by a back exit from the presidency , the people went , wild with Joy ; business.houses were closed and covered with llaics , the streets were Jammed all day with crowds and a street orator could never got moro than two syllables of the word "liberty" out of his mouth before his volco was drowned in the iKLt/3 Or AX EXCITED l'OPUl\CB. It was two weeks before the people grew Ired of this sort of thing. Then they stopped felling and began , as It were , to pick up the ileces. The army ofllcorp who had boon de prived of their Mtiks for taking part in the rebellion were restored to their former posi- lons. Help Was solicited for those who had est friends or proparty oven street beggars ivhohad been droning out the sumo talc of ivoo for half n lifetime without over having been known to vary It by a syllable , now added the announcement that they were 'revolution ' sufTcroM. " A public mass was liela for the dead heroes. Pensions were given to their widows. Now recruits filled the gaps in the army's ' ranlts. And then. Just as affairs were becoming dull and peaceful once moro the public suddenly took itself by the buttonhole and whispered Into its own fur the intelligence that another revolution was coming to enliven things. The difference between North and South American republics appears to bo Just this : When the North Americans wish to ettle a political matter , they vote upon it ; under similar circumstances TlIU SOUTH AMKIIICAN OI5TS HIS OUX. Twenty years ago a revolution occurred in Buenos Ayres to destroy the power of n cor rupt political ring. Ten years later it re quired several months of lighting to ductile whore the national capital should bo located. And in July , 181K ) , the people , Instead of wait ing until election tlmo cumo around , once more took up their guns and pointed them at an objectionable president , From July to October , and tbo trouble now Is u minister of the Interior ! This gentle man , ono of the cabinet of the deposed ad ministration , has been continued in olllco by President PelllKi-ini because ho deserves it. Uullko many Argentine oftlcials , ho is somo- tning moro than an expensive figurehead ; ho Is honest and enterprising , nnd is possessed of that sound common sense called common because so remarkably rare. But the fact that ho was associated with the ex-presi dent's government was sufllcicnt to cull down upon him the righteous wrath of thai gangot professional patriots who constitute the Ar gentine army. These , therefore , served no tice upon him a few days ago that ho must cet out or suffer the consequences , which would be , of course , the only consequence which ever enters the head of a South American ican- man a revolution. Instead of being frightened at this , Minister Koca sent back word that ho was there to stay , and that ho was prepared to gi'-o the consequences a warm welcome whenever they should chance to come along. That was n week ago. Slnco then Buenos Ayres has stood braced up for almost any kind of a shock. Sometimes the policemen are withdrawn from the street corners in the early evening , gathered into the station- houses nnd armed with muskets , ready to do military duty if the occasion arises. Some times in the dead of night the timid citizen wakes and hears the distant rumble of drums nnd marching feet , and ho hurriedly looks to the fastenings of bis shutters , and uoubly bolts and burs his doors. Sometimes ho falls asleep thinking of the many similar experi ences which ho has gone through in the past. And sometimes he is nrousca a llttlo later by the sound of n ringing bugle blast which ho was endeavoring to blow through his mouth and nose. But morning never nrlngs moro than renewed suspense another day of wait Ing for the I1I.OWS AND IIIFI.U SHOTS which may ooino before evening , which may not como lor many months , or whlcli ma > never como nt all. This sensation of sitting over a powdci mine waiting for it to explode Is interesting but not especially unusual down hero. All o these little-boy republics of South America go merrily along the same perilous pathway until presently one of them stumbles eve some political or Unanclal obstacle and fall down. Not many months ago the republic o Chili , through a slight excess of prollt-puy ing politics , found herself torn by u rovolu lion. The Argentine Hcpuollu has jus arrived at the sumo end in a slight ly different way. Little Uruguay , too one of the most fertile countries ii the world , is levying fixes enough to rui Kussiu ; never before has she oi.Joycd snci peace as at present , andshohus every chance to prosper , yet she Is keeping half the papu mills of England busy supplying her with money the only kind that shu bus , and now proposes to double all her Kostncu rates ii order to replete her empty treasury. It is not fur from stops like these , taken in time of peace , to the ultimate tumble. And litmll ; Uni/.H , which came Into the blessings of re publicanism only a year ago , is financially going to the dogs nt such a ruto that she promises soon to overtake her older compoti tors. Hvory one of these countries presents the unique spectacle of a people prospering for they do prosper In spite of their gov eminent. Itrnzil , in common with the Argentina He- public , employs an immigrant agent. No creature on this earth , no matter how besotted sotted , vile nnd altogether worthless. m > e < feel without a friend while there exists ai immigrant agent. So long as tbo creature bo possessed of sulllck'iit endowments to en nblo him to pass as a bonn tide member of the genus homo , capable of counting as ono , he I promptly embraced uy his friend the agent given a paper dollar and a ticket to Brazil and sent off to that TUKIIULENT I.AKI ) Of FKKEDOM. Fifty thousand such arrived to strengthen the country during the month of August Jus I a ised. They came from every extreme o Jiuropo from Ireland , from Italy , from Nor way. The change of climate had its nat urul effect , and f > per cent uro reported t have died before the end of September But the best agent yet reported Is ono who used to acquire wealth by bringing inou from Europe to Huonos Ayres , getting his pay from the Argentine government hero , urn then posting them off by next steamer to lilo de Janeiro , where ho received u second com mission , lint trenins such as this could no long slumber In obscurity , and that agent ha forsaken the Immigrant business for politics Buenos Ayres , has no Bedloes Island f ran which to welcome her assisted immigrants But In the center of the 1'laza Victoria btand a colossal statue of liberty ; and the statu and the government which put It there ar strikingly Ilka each other. Tbo coddcss is , at a distance , a very ma Jos tie looking creature. She grasps a spea with ono hand , and , if I remember rightly , a riiAiKii HOOK WITH TIII : oTiinn ; tbo spear , however , is iu her right baud , o Ikely to bo of mow practical usefulness. This statue gHttorsf'ln the sun with all the appearance of purest marble : but n closer low reveals the fuftt'that IU glitter Is duo tea a cent of whlto t lnt. Searching n llttlo urthcr , you will .notice a brouu-dowii near ho base , and wlthlni'thls bole may bo scon ho ordinary hrlct and mortar of which the Itfuro Is bullt-oC which the shell Is built , rather for the Interior Is absolutely and sug gestively hollow. Occasionally , when this [ uccr affair has become worn and dingy , an- ither coat of paint lilnpplled. but this course lecolves nobody ufili-sj they be strangers and low It from a ioni * way off. Two hundred million dollars , the bank-note wuo of this republic , is likewise n cry imposing figure when viewed iy a distant I observer. But ho vlll find , by searching n llttlo into statistics , that allowing for her immense for eign loans , this country's real wealth tins not net-eased ono cent during the last live years. Jesldcs foreign loans , she is paying Interest on her cedilla debt. The cedula is exactly ho scheme proposed by Senator Stanford of California when ho Introduced his bill pro viding for government loans to farmers. It Is n mortgage bond authorized by government , ssuedhy the provincial and national banks , and secured by mortgages on land , the Inter est on these bonds being guaranteed by the ( overnment. The cedula scheme struck this epubllo In 188'J , nnd the people rushed into t with mouths characteristically wide open. They plastered the country all over with ccd- ulas. In eight years tbo amount of money wrrowed in this way has been $110. per iihnbltant , against $7'r > 0 In Franco nnd $10 In Sweden , the highest European countries. And now It Is discovered nnd here Is the HOLE IN T11K STATL'i : hat the land upon which thcso notes were ssued was In many cases estimated at two or tlireo times Its real worth , so that behind n peed part of this note Issue there Is absolutely no value whatever. A very largo sfo-ed hole it Is , and fresh teats of paint in the shnpo of lew issues only servo to bring out IU dark outlines moro distinctly. Revolutions , crooked polities , worthless Im- nlgratlon , and harum-scarum mianccerlnp J. Is nn Interesting picture of Improvement , su't it ? And yet I really believe that 'when" ' and "if" and "provided" several hundred desirable and improbable things come to pass , the Argentine Kopubllc will got upon its feet again , or at any rate will tome as near to it "as can reasonably bo ex pected. " nd the London Times thinks so , too. ClIAIILKS H. I'llATT. O HOI'S. A son of Mars A boy with a stepfather. Dull care keens our noses to the grinstono , nit never puts Its own thero. You'ro Just the man 1'ro been lajlnjr for , " ns the briekmason sald to the contructor. "I would Rive anything If Iliad a musical car. " "Why don't you tuko quinine ! " "Qui nine ! " , 'Certainly ; quinine will make your cars sing. " Saints lire not made in a day , but sinners can bo made in n moment. Sitting Bull begins to think It time lie got up. up.One One wouldn't object to hold tbo mirror up to nature If it wns a good-looking hiss. In order to stand up under misfortune it frequently becomes necessary to stand up ouo's friends. 'Docs the coliuri loalcl" "No. It's had two foot of water int over slnco I've been in the houso. Not a drop h.is got out. " It brings joy to'the ' he.irt of Anthony Coin- stock to read about u ship skirting a bare headland. The most drcadoil result of the Indian ex citement Is the revival of nil the Sloux-per unualod jokes on the .subject. lie ( ut 11:5. > ) I declare , the lamp is poinu out ! She Yes , the lamp seoins to have some idea of tlmo. Scribbler I have Just lots of fun writing my Jokes. Frlcnd-mTticn Unit explains It. I wondered where the fun came In. Bingo Dear me , I'm tired. My wife got mo up nt ( i o'clock .this morning. ICingloy Want did bho get you up so early for ! Blupo She wanted to catch the noon train. Sanso When I yuvs in China Hodu I never know yo'ii'hVd been in China. SanseI I \\1is once \vhon I was iiltollcCc. I was Jammed through the 'earth in n football tncklo. A Night of tbe Garter Christmas eve. since so ninny stockings are suspended thereby. Christmas would bo very lonely if Santa Cluus failed to lend us the light of his pres ents. X-mus-tldo is full of SlOderncss. A Christinas present this one. The daughters of Eve think moro of Christmas eve than of their llrst mother. ' .My dear sir. you have traveled In Africa ! Do the African Indies suiter as much us wo from the tyranny of man ! " "O , no , the Indies there have special privileges " "How I lonir to bo there 1" "As I was going to say , at all the banquets the lady captives are always flr t eaten. " Husband The tn.irks on my collars mo getting so faint 1 ran't read them. Wife Then I wish you would get another bottle of that indelible Ink. FREES Ail iripartillelrd Offer. Poii'l buy nwvtthlrM * at ha walch lhat ian'1 Mand the till ll lm at any prli * . Ililk rut I. tlit ( Uluri bC our Full rnrai nl kin rh. aiib.fully war. -"J inl irunrai trttlb ) UK for'A > ) tun. I li * | l atlril rcr aiptaramv and tirfiil a * & tllii'li-rir | , IhfraM Mnairaiitnl I. ) lh grral llurbrr n. tu wrar aiid krrp la ! color > fqia. lordmihrr fir lf ! > - ' lluif. llerittiKlneci. It h a iftftit mmrl of trnuty UDilrli nt lltll ( and lanncl Le < ! ilf.Mlrd4njnlitrJtlrclil | lbiiljfor Ionian Ibrre tluitsturi ili0 'J liefiioiruirnt liour nwii aprflul ruby jtn elod f.tli.U . Intrno/riLnt iwitli hnlrn * > iHnhfil dial tit lurntiiKd ifiikni. ttnrly ritUI trt Iti nd nici'ti'ritntlv ' ' . .Dtibnl balinre , unturpitttfd M R | * lftil tini.rrrr | fcod poiitlirly unrqnallrd In § p- peartiiiMn. . \ w tihfi kit told t J3.(0 | ( that Mill glv no Uitcr rr uliiihMHM , nl " ' K Ui tiII In I | tritpcrtJ. aUollllli.l . Ml.il ll * llt. \rn.r unlrr and w * ttlll blip the ( if" M offlre > r" fin'1'l ' * * rrirrirntrU f v lh * riprru apftil lh * > t mount , f J ? H tal chirks ami H U j fHirt. othtrv * IM J ou fy iiotticg and U wtltbfl rtturced utmir * iii-iii.t > . , ° NE YEAR TRIAL. \v rivw * k\cn witcb Mul lm t > * nta printta prfftnei gMnr Ton tbr iirlvllrfff tortturn th w a tcli any tlmt within on * jfar It It dwi not | lr prrftrt iftlUritrlbo. Ian onylhlo tw faint ! THE NATIONAL MFO. & IMPORTING CO. ( lDorponlrd. ) | Q | & 133 ClQrC. St. , ChlCOgO.III. * & ? l WILL DO. 117 * Produces a .Beautiful . Complexion. \yhltens a Sallow Stein. Re moves Mottv n a Liver Spots. Prevents S'unburn. , nnd Tan. To Triwjlflrs It Is Indlspausable. Keeps the Skin tferfoctln any Climate. 1'LANTA 1IKAT111OK , i'EK JAI ! l.5 FLESH WORM PASTE. Skin Refiner and Piinplo Remover. Will roflno a COAIISi : , IIOUI1II , TOI1OUS BKlN.ft ] IOBtlvueuro | for I'lMl'I.KH , erupllont , umlontlrclx removes Unit illgrtKrcvable HKD.SKHS with whluli tu uianr are nnllclo 1. 1'erjar , fl.MX Tlicsu goods tro nbiolutcly 1'LIllBnnJ JIAIIMI.K33 and enu bo ublalnpd at tbe ( ollowlnK roprusontutlio Jxiillo A J. * lle , Kth nnd Dodge Streets. Kulm.V Co. , Corner IStU and Douglni itrccta , and North 2Uli un < t licit I.lno. J , A. Fuller & Co. , 1103 Douglas street. Wliuloialo .Ak'ontil llltliurdiun Drug Co. , 1007 and 1U11 Junes Btreet. Or of Solo Manufacturcri , London Toilet Bnzai' Co. , 38 and 40 West C3d St. , New York. Wholesale Ofllco , No. m Kast ITtli St. Troatlio on Ilio complexion at nbor odd re frco or sent to r uy adJriu o n recent all tt > . NEW YEMR RND ' PRRTY PRINTING. 3all Programs , fifty designs. Invitations , fifty designs , Wedding Invitations , all styles 3irth Announcements. Mourning stationery. Death announcements , ew Year Announcements , ew Year Cards. Pine Commercial Printing. Dan C. Shelley , Superior Printer , fourteenth and Farnam. N , M. * Ruddy , Practical Optician , 211 Soitt.h IGlh SLrooL. Solid Gold Specmr ( nn taclcs. Solid 0)0UU Gold Eyeglasses'- ( Genuine Lcmaire rV7C Opera Glasses. . JU A good steel framed Spectacle correctly - ly fitted . Artificial Human Eyes. Largest stock in the west. Selections sent to customers outside the city. _ FOR SEVERE COUGHS Oil COLDS Dr. F. C. Werner's COUGH DROPS Are highly recommended lifter seven years of successful experience by the solo innntifucturor'd , Kopp , Dreibus & Co. , STBAM CONFECTIONERS , 1 106 Farnam St. , Omaha , Neb. Sold everywhere , oo per package , Send for Hnmnlos. NOVELTIES I KOFI Holiday Presents. Silk embroidered gowns for la dies' and gent's ; silk smoking jackets ; fine china ware , fire screens ; fancy baskets , fine em broidered table covers-handker chiefs and shawls ; carved sandle wood tarlc-a-brac and thous ands of novelties which make appropriate and suitable pres ents , that cannot be found else where in Omaha. Chinese lillies. TEA. and COFFEE. 521 N.lGthSt- Osihoff Block. ST. ANDREASBliRG CANARIKS Tliu fltht Importation of tliOMj bountiful lingers will nri-lvn this \U'i'l ; . Ai 1 could nut 1111 u II orders last " -ouscin , I adviceBteryoriu lie would IIUu to Ktil miu < > f thi"-o wi'll known iiuiiu't' KolIrM , by ordcrliiB at o .ce. .si > uclal trained Tours , Hell Notes , Lone Ml\nry Trills , and \VliUtllii \ Notes $ < I.GO and ! M cueli slnitur. This li ) > t slimliij CaiKirliR , you HUT licuid In your life NnHhort nr choppy notes' . Every tonn swept , full and t-oH. MAX GEISLER , 417 S. IBth St. , Omaha. FOR LADIES' SHOES ALMA POLISH. Try ono bottle nnd -ou will USQ no otlior polish for your Shoes. Only Shoo DrotHiiip over awarded u silver modal. ARC and INCANDESCENT Isolated Klectrlo Uffht Plants. ( The U.S. System. ) Elcotrio Motors nnil Generators. Write for priced and estimates. II , II. HUMPHREY , Agent , Now York Life Hu lillngOnmliii , Null. ABOMr.TIUX < iXr.\V \ tl.00 nn hour 1'iislly . nmdo liy AK IIH , niuluor fi'iauli' . Nun- jilii mid full parlloularsfi'fe. ' C'HAs. E. MAU ARiii.i. houkoort X. V , UXLY'-nr. I.educ'i I'erlodlcul I'Mli thu French romodf. act on tlio monitrunl ij Ura and euro lupprenlaa Irani nhsiover camo. I'romola nientlrimtlon. Tiieiu i > llli liuuld nut bo taken dur- . . Pill Co. , ' . Dit vreiauncf. Am. llojaltj 1'ropi. Bpen- cer. Cl r Co. , la. Uunulnubr Sherman & McConnell , UodKBit. , near l . o. , Omitm ; U. A. Molchor , Houtb Umuliut M. I1. Ullu. Ouunsll UlulT * . Uur J fur U ADVICE vs. You are not In inanfy slmpe. anil jet you don't act. Wrlla to ui lo-dayl Delay Imperils all I ! _ . . . . . . . . . . _ . _ . . I describe * jour cuae. JOUR NEW BOOKlf .u.iyeMH.ud. . II1NOUOMM .t W K VKMKH.Sr.S OK MK..V. For lluitlrtl lime Hooknmlled/rfc. K1 StMllUC.ll , CO. , ntiffalu , \ . V. foon 't jirelcr VICE to ADVICE. DR. GLiUOK , EYE AND EA.R , I'orkcr Illock , litU anJ Faruau. Telephone VA , Humpty JDumph/ on the wall , so&ps h aye & great fall Wfjerj SANTA CLAUS SOAP Tell jour Grocer conges Ifjeir way ; "SAAT.I 3011 mui CJ.AUS. ( limo " AIRBANIVS SOAP has come MADE ONLV QV How to * > get a (189i ( Christmas Presenter /or Nothing. Commencing Monday morning , December 1st , to every loaf of GARNEAU'S BREAD , there will be attached a red tin tag. Save these tags , deliver them to our office , and get a prem ium. Your grocer will give you n circular containing n list of prem iums to be awarded buyers of our bread and holding tin tags , in tha quantities named. These premiums are suitable for grown persons as well as child ren. In striving for these premiums you not only get a full pound loaf of bread for Be , but also a tag which , when the proper * quantities are collected entitles you to a premium. You may take your choice of any of the articles noted on the cir cular , providing you hove the necessary number of tags. One person may get enough tags to receive two or more prem- iums. iums.Do Do not delay ; this chance won't last very long. Be sure you get a tin tag stamped "Garneau's Bread" on every loaf. Fremuims awarded every Wednesday and Saturday , between three and five o'clock. 12tH and Jackson Streets. HIMEBAUGHmYLOR 6 Skates , Boys' Chests of Tools , Fine Pocket Cut lery , Scissors and Scissor Cases , Carving Sets , Rog ers' Triple Plated Knives and Forks , Tea , Table and Dessert Spoons. t'MAT ' A TERRIBLE That Person Had. I Could Hardly Talk With Him. " There is not a person who reads this that has not both heard and made a similar ex pression to the above , perhaps many times , yet few ever think what the cause is. Nine cases - out of ton a bad breath is caused by decayed teeth. These cava- ties of decay form rocepticles for the accumulation of food which becomes decomposed , hence the offensive odor. Ono decayed tooth will often make the breath almost unbearable to those with whom you converge. It being a sensitive subject to mention be tween friends frequently one goes In ignorance of how offen sive their breath may be. This is not all. The decomposed matter In a cavity of decay is constantly being swallowed and Is frequently the cause oCdiseases of the stomach , which in manycases bring on othe'r complicated diseases of the general system. How important it should be then , to keep your mouth in a clean and healthy state , Torso much of your health , comfort and happiness depend upon H. Visit DR. BAILETY , The Dentist , And have your mouth looked over. Examination and advice fv c. Office 312 Faxton B'ldg. Telephone 1085. 16th and Farnam Sts. NO CUR.EU NO PAY. Dr v 1316 Douglas Street , Omaha , Neb. OMAHA STOVE REPAIR WORKS 12O7 Douglas Street. Btovo repairs of ull ( losTlptlnns for cook ii-vl lioatlnit stoves , f umlfy and liotol ranitci. Wiitcl ittudiiiiuiitH u Bi > ocliilty. Telephone Q(3O ( ROBERT UHLIG , Proprietor. C. M. EATON , Manager.