Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922, December 07, 1890, Part Two, Page 14, Image 14

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Bomo Straws Gleaned from the World's '
Harvest of Wit and Humor.
.Token A PhllndctpMa Con *
Arotisoil An Auxiliary
Mno Required \ ClilonRo ,
Yarn Met lilt Mntoh.
UnmervWe JnvniaL ,
Love Is no stranger to my breast ;
Its torments niul Its woes ,
Its wild desires , Its llcrco unrest
No man inoro clearly knows. '
A tlnobblng iias lon , deep , Intense ,
Torments mo day nnd night ,
And K'VCS ' mo constant evidence
Tlmt somcthluir Isn't right.
No maiden coy has won ray heart ,
No woman more mature
Has wounded me with eupld's dart
Of that you mny bo sure.
And yet , I love ! A benlson
On him who'll tell mo why !
For oh I I love roast venison ,
Anil oh I I love tnlnco pic.
After a NoucHRiiry Precaution.
Somcrvlllo Journal : Editor Why Is It
Hint yon put so many of your Jokes In the
form of dialogues 1"
I'uragrnpher Oh I can put a headline on
them tlmt will explain the Joke.
A Tact fill Homos * .
Munsey's Weekly : She Our friend , Miss
D.IWCOII , Is unwell today.
Ho Yes ; she overexerted herself last
HMO Howl
He Shu invited six persons to dinner and
ns not one of them was on speaking terms
ivlth any of the others , she had to enter
tain each ono separately and at the same
Too Ilnd.
Now York Evening Star : "Somo people
are born with silver spoons In their mouths. "
"You don't siiyl Undl there didn't any
premium come with my baliy. "
A I'ossititc Case.
.Tudgoi Mrs.Smnllwnre ( on her husband's
return ) What Is this llttlo package marked
For my only May1 }
Mr. Smullwnre That's a bundle of fprinp
s-sain pies , my dear. I expect to bo taken oil
the road early in Juno for Rood. "
JInw She Ituinumlioreil Him.
New York Sun : Husband How did you
got along wlillo Ivus nway , my dearl
Wifo-1'rettv well. Every night I got out
some of your old clothes and strewed them
nronnd the floor , tracked mud all over the
stairs and swore at myself occasionally , ana
it seemed really llko home.
The Kruililo Fish.
St. Joseph News : "What do you suppose
started the Impression that Jlsh was ctllca-
clous us brain foodl"
"The fact that llsh are themselves edu
cated. "
"Well , thoj go In schools , you know. "
A Having Clause.
St. Joseph News : Extract from a railroad
Imlletlu : "Notice to the traveling public It
should bo distinctly understood that the
rates quoted by our agent on dressed hogs
Bhall apply only ns a freight and not as a pas
senger tariff.
Tlio Voioo of
Chicago Tribune : Grindstone ( at restaur
ant ) What shall wo order , ICIlJordatU
Kiljordan ( looking over bill of faro ) I
hardly know. I am not very hungry. Idon't
think I want any meat.
"Neither tto I. Let's order a fried
chicken. "
A "Oantinmnn" Donlcoy.
Ad vcrtUcinont in an English Paper : For
Bale , a donkey , well educated , of gentle man
ners , good looking and a good goer. Has
been driven and cared for by a gentlewoman
nnd Is a gentleman. Only parted with because -
cause no further use for him. Price 50s. No
more no > loss.
A Piiilnilclpliia Congregation Aroused
Hccord An minister
Philadelphia : up-toivn
ter to get oven with a sleepy congregation ,
ang out in loud voice : "Wake up hero :
there is a man standing before you with half
n shirt on his back. " The sleepers awakened
and the sisters of the cougreiration presented
htm later on with a dozen now shirts. Ho
then explained that he was really not in need
of shirts. Ho had a whole shirt on when ho
made the announcement , but half was on his
back nnd half on his front. All present
smiled and enjoyed tliu Joke as they now saw
An Auxiliary Line Ilutiuircd.
Jeweler's Weekly : Sam Washington
Now , sah , you's done sold mo do weddln'
ring , has you got any razzorst Jeweler \Vo
do not keep cutlery. Sam Washington
How's do brUo gwiuo to pertec' do jewelry
wifout a razzorJ
Wont Hooro n Dig Run.
Boston Bulletin : "And what Is the title
of your play I" asked the manager.
"Tho Messenger Boy. " replied the author ,
as ho prepared to unroll his MSS.
"It wont do , " said the manager promptly ;
"wo could never got a run out of the messen
ger boy. "
A Difference.
New York Morning Journal : Mistress
Mary Ann. Mr. Jones tells mo there was n
mau in the kitchen when he wontdown stairs
last evening. Don't you remember that 1
told you that I did not allow the servants to
have their beaux como'to the housei
Mavy Ann Yos'm ; but you see that gen
tleman ain't my beau ; ho only wants to t > o.
Not Perishable.
Washington Star : A colored man , who , n
hi few days ago , obtained a marriage license ,
was at the cloi-Ks ofllco today asking that it
ho taken back nud the dollar refunded. The
I anxious clerk asked If the license was not
: lllled up properly nnd the answer was : "I
thought so , but I find the lady is lawfully
married ahoady , and of course I can't marry
her. "
"You don't know , " said some ono in the
ofllco ; "her husband may dlo or there may be
n divort-o , and the license will keop. " The
applicant went off still holding the license.
Jiiflt Appreciation.
Somorvlllo Journal : Experienced Mothet
What does mukoyoulelMr. Oclrlchs flattci
you BO , my dearl
Inuocent Young Daughter Why , mamma ,
ho wasn't Haltering mo at all. Ito WAS only
saying some very pleasant things to mo about
An UrnvlHR PropJirt.
Somcrvlllo Journal : BJones AVho Is that
seedy-looking fellow over there )
Dlcnks That's the llnanclal odftor of the
Dally News.
Ujones-Youdon'i say sol Why , he must
pot a good salary. What makes him look so
uhnhbyI .
BJonkJ They say he buys stocks accord
ing to his own predictions.
Mot Ills Match.
Chicago Tribune : The two passengers
ivero whlllng away the time by a game ol
cards in the smoulng car.
"Want to hot on your hand I" said the one
with the diamond breastpin , casually.
" 1 don't object , " answered the other , light
ing a fifty-cent ulgur , "but I warn you that
when I start In a game the limit's off. "
"That suits mo. I am u retired plumber. "
. "And I am n retired paper-hanger. "
There wasn't any belting douo on thai
game. _ _ _ _ _ _ _
I'll/.i Kssny.
Oil City Derrick : A sxveot girl graduate
Is credited wltti thus describing the matinct
In which a goat butted a boy out of the front
yard : "Ho hurled the previous end of hia
unatomy iigatusttho bov's afterward with an
earnestness and velocity which , bucked by
the ponderosity of the goat's avoirdupois , 1m
darted n momentum that was not relaxed
until ho landed on terra tlrma beyond the
goat's Jurisdiction. "
Absent. j > tinili ! < l.
Boston Courier : The Professor ( at the dinner
nor table ) O , by the way , Mrs. Chopsticks.
Jiuvo you seen your llttlo boy Willie , lately 1
.Mrs. Chopsticks No , professor , I have uol
scon him since 10 o'clock , nnd I can't Imagine
what has become of him. In fact , I am very
much worried almut him.
Professor Well , seeing Martha pour out
tlmt plnsa of water lust now reminded mo of
something that I had on my mind to tell you
some tlrno ago , but which unfortunately es
caped my mind. It was Just about 10 o'clock
I think , that I saw llttlo Willie fall down the
Ho Died at
Illlnpsoda ! After the battle of Custozr.i ,
a soldier supposed to have been killed , was
entered upon the books of his company :
"Died on the 21th Juno , ISfiO , " etc.
A few days afterward It turned cut that ho
was still nlfve , nnd the honest quartermaster
made the following entry :
"Died by mistake. "
At length there came alottor from the min
istry of warannounclng the death of the man
at the hosnltnl , when the sergeant recorded
tbo fact as follows :
"Hcilled by order of the ministry. "
Dumb Dialogue" * .
Boston Traveller : "Como off the roofl'
as the lightning mild to the shingle.
"I'm onto you ! " ns the llca remarked to the
"There's files on you I" was the remark the
footlights made to the stage.
"You'ro off your null" laughed the axle to
the wheel.
"You make mo tired 1" said the wheel to
the wheelwright.
"Oil onto the Jay 1" remarked the sparrow
to the thrush , as the bluejay How by.
"It's nothing but a bluff 1" said the
chamois , as ho looked over the cdgo of the
"I'm stuck on you 1" smiled the fly , when
the sticky paper got in its work.
It Wan n Imdlproiiq Hlundcr.
Jewelers' Weekly : Minister ( to partially
deaf bridegroom The ring I whore is the
Ing ?
Groom ( doubtfully-EhJ )
Minister ( running ono of his fingers around
another ) The ring I
Groom ( exhibiting the stump of a finger off
at the second Joint and looking relieved )
hai's all right. Sue know it was off before
ivo were engaged.
A Very Ijovely Dress.
Colby Thomas Cat : A senator used often
: o quote a remark which ho once overheard
n the White Mountains nt a hotel where ho
ivas staying with hU family. On the piazza
ono day n girl near to him said to her com
panion , u damsel of her own ago :
"O Marianne , I do think that gown of
fours la just too lovely for anything , and it
s so appropriate to wear up hero ! "
The other smiled self-approvintrly.
"Y a , " she said , smothiiig down the folds
of the frock in question , "I do think this
gown sots off the mountains better than any
other I over had on. "
Ireland Merry , t ( mutch Poor.
LowUton Journal : Ireland \\as \ \ compara-
.ivcly few towns her cities seem to be Jin-
ishcd. Heal estate Isn't worth half price.
You can buy property In Irish cities for a
long. The decline of the city is duo to the
: > rior decline of the country. There is noth-
nt ; doing in the country ; the farm is fallow.
"Thero is so much heaviness In the air that
I am homesick. Jehu please spin your Irish
yarns nnd let some sunshine through these
dcn skies , " I say.
Well.1 says Jehu , "I wan at Blarney last
week with an English tourist who began a-
chaning me , and at last I got a llttlo over
done , 'Tell mu the biggest lie you ever told , '
said the Hengllshman to mo. 'You're u gen
tleman 1' says I and ho didn't say no more. "
A Chicago Yarn. .
Chicago Tribune : "I'm going to toll you
something that vou'll ' swear is a barefooted
lie , " said Clerk Taylor of the Wellington to
day , "but it's the cold truth s' help mo. Fel
low ca mo. In the other night from some place
down In the country. Hold up , hero's his
name , 'J. S. Mather and wife , Metropolis. '
Gave him a room. Ho cnmo down after
a while and said : 'I wish you would send
somebody up with a pitcher "of water and a
washbowl. How do you expect a hotly to
wash when they ain't no water ! ' I told him
there was water In the room. 'Just turn the
handl'V I said. 'Well. I did , ' ho answered ,
'and every blame time I did , the light goes
out. ' Well , sir , believe mo or not , out that
fellow had been working with the electric
lighi nnd hadn't been near the washbowl. "
"Don't you believe a word of it , " said
Charley Hilton. "Taylor comes from Kan
sas. He can't help it , but the folks down
thcra hitvp to move away to other states oe-
fore they learn there Is such u thing ns truth. "
The Uominle Didn't Sing It.
Washington Star : There is a big Baptist
church colored out in the northwestern
part of the city. A man standing at the in
tersection of Vermont avenue and T street
might hit it with a stone without overtaxing
himself. The pastor of the church Is a good
deal of a vocalist and nothing pleases his
congregation more than his excellent rendi
tions of gospel hymns. There was a meeting
In that church ono evening last week nnd ev
erything was moving along very pleasantly
when the pastor said : "Now , wo are going
to take up n collection , and If thu amount do
nated is satlsfnstorily largo I will sing for
you sing anything you ask for , "
The congregation then shelled out its con
tribution. It must have seen "satisfactorily
largo" for the pastor stepped forward and
said : "I'll ' slug now. What shall It bo ? Ex
press your preferences. "
"Annlo Hoouey , " said somebody In ono of
the rear scats , and the preacher's wrath was
momentarily shrouded In a peal of laugntcr.
"I'll 'Aniiie Hooney' you. " shouted the
offended shepherd , but the Joker had depart
ed with sensible alacrity.
A IModt.-l of Uprightness.
Chicago Tribune : "No , my son , " said Mr.
Verigood , "I have never put my foot Inside
of a board of trade building , I have never
countenanced by my presence any institution
conducted by gamblers. All speculative busi
ness. my son , " continued Mr. Vorlgood ,
with increasing emphasis , "nil business Urn *
depends upon the future for its profits Is in
the nature of gambling. I have never in
vested n cent in a gumbllug speculation , and
I never will.1'
"How did you make that 1,000 you were
tolling us about the other day , father ? "
"I made that , my son , by Judicious Invest
ments in railroad stocks. "
"doing to buy moro railroad stocks with
it ? "
"Well. no. They are a little shaky Just
now. I have Invested it In er an insurance
policy on your mother's 11 fo , my son. "
A fashion writer "tho
says leg-of-mutton
sleeves have not proved successful , " hut Dr ,
Bull's cough syrup still continue : ) to bo useil
by everybody for coughs or colds.
Don't you Know ) Why , got a bottle of sal ]
vatlon oil ; it will cure toothache at once
25 ets.
Dr. Blrnoy ourm oU'irrh , Boo bldg
A Now Bridges 1'or Flro Hoso.
The adjustable bridge for lire Jioso ,
which homo time- ago was extensively
recommended to tliu notlco of flro bri
gades , has boon doiiif ; good work in Sun
Francisco , in which city u llro recently
took place the attendant incidents ol
which showed how valuable would have
boon the device which has Hinco shown
itself so useful. When the Grand hotel
in that city was burned the lire hose
blocked the live cable lines converging
on a principal thoroughfare for many
hours in the onrly morning' , so that all
tlio merchants , mouluuiics and others
going to work at thai tinio wore obliged
to take other lines or walk. The cable
company lost , it is said , between $00(1 (
and $800 in faros alone by the detention ,
while the inconvenience to the public
was very great. All this could have
been obviated by the use of the hobo
bridge. The bridge consists of an iron
framework , the sides of which stand
clear of the car track on either side. On
tlio top of the frame is u support for the
hose , which is thus carried above the
top of the cur nnd no longer impedes the
tnifllo on the road.
A Carrier Pigeon Servloo.
A service of currier pigoond is to be
established between Zanzibar and Lake
NyivhSii , in Africa Tliu stations will be
thirty inilea apart.
The most popular gift nowadays is a ncli
piece of cut glass. Uorilluger'a American
Cut Glass stands unrivalled in beauty ami
finish. Sea that their trade-mark label isjon
every piece. Your dealer should show it U
Dr , Blrno cures catarrh , Boo bldg.
Such la the Cheerful Occup\tlon of tha Avot-
ago South American.
Whore tlio Yankee Cast Ills Vota the
Southern Brother Get * Ills
Gun Interesting Political
and Financial Gossip.
AYIIKS , Nov. 3. [ Special to THE
DEE. J Things are improving I So says tbo
London Times , with dignity , at a distance of
7,000 , mlloa. So says the powerful Buenos
Ay res press , hilariously , and on the spot erse
so says that part of It , at least , which U sub
sidized by the national government. So , too ,
say all the honorable congressmen , 'with
noisy and eloquent patriotism , during the
line that they draw salaries for this sort of
eloquence , beginning promptly at 3 o'clock
each day while congress sits. And so says
the president himself , just as every other
Argentine president has said from 183) until
the present day. Yet , despite such an over
whelming unanimity of opinion , the state
ment deserves to bo taken with moro quali
fying phrases than even an English Journal
can crowd Into ono sentence.
Three months ago occurred the re volution
which made this city a three days subject of
comment nil over the civilized world. At Its
close , when Juarez Column was forced to de
part rather hurriedly by a back exit from
the presidency , the people went , wild with
Joy ; business.houses were closed and covered
with llaics , the streets were Jammed all day
with crowds and a street orator could never
got moro than two syllables of the word
"liberty" out of his mouth before his volco
was drowned in the
It was two weeks before the people grew
Ired of this sort of thing. Then they stopped
felling and began , as It were , to pick up the
ileces. The army ofllcorp who had boon de
prived of their Mtiks for taking part in the
rebellion were restored to their former posi-
lons. Help Was solicited for those who had
est friends or proparty oven street beggars
ivhohad been droning out the sumo talc of
ivoo for half n lifetime without over having
been known to vary It by a syllable , now
added the announcement that they were
'revolution ' sufTcroM. " A public mass was
liela for the dead heroes. Pensions were
given to their widows. Now recruits filled
the gaps in the army's ' ranlts. And then. Just
as affairs were becoming dull and peaceful
once moro the public suddenly took itself by
the buttonhole and whispered Into its own
fur the intelligence that another revolution
was coming to enliven things.
The difference between North and South
American republics appears to bo Just
this : When the North Americans wish to
ettle a political matter , they vote upon it ;
under similar circumstances
Twenty years ago a revolution occurred in
Buenos Ayres to destroy the power of n cor
rupt political ring. Ten years later it re
quired several months of lighting to ductile
whore the national capital should bo located.
And in July , 181K ) , the people , Instead of wait
ing until election tlmo cumo around , once
more took up their guns and pointed them at
an objectionable president ,
From July to October , and tbo trouble now
Is u minister of the Interior ! This gentle
man , ono of the cabinet of the deposed ad
ministration , has been continued in olllco by
President PelllKi-ini because ho deserves it.
Uullko many Argentine oftlcials , ho is somo-
tning moro than an expensive figurehead ; ho
Is honest and enterprising , nnd is possessed
of that sound common sense called common
because so remarkably rare. But the fact
that ho was associated with the ex-presi
dent's government was sufllcicnt to cull down
upon him the righteous wrath of thai gangot
professional patriots who constitute the Ar
gentine army. These , therefore , served no
tice upon him a few days ago that ho must
cet out or suffer the consequences , which
would be , of course , the only consequence
which ever enters the head of a South American
ican- man a revolution. Instead of being
frightened at this , Minister Koca sent back
word that ho was there to stay , and that ho
was prepared to gi'-o the consequences a
warm welcome whenever they should chance
to come along.
That was n week ago. Slnco then Buenos
Ayres has stood braced up for almost any
kind of a shock. Sometimes the policemen
are withdrawn from the street corners in the
early evening , gathered into the station-
houses nnd armed with muskets , ready to do
military duty if the occasion arises. Some
times in the dead of night the timid citizen
wakes and hears the distant rumble of drums
nnd marching feet , and ho hurriedly looks to
the fastenings of bis shutters , and uoubly
bolts and burs his doors. Sometimes ho falls
asleep thinking of the many similar experi
ences which ho has gone through in the past.
And sometimes he is nrousca a llttlo later by
the sound of n ringing bugle blast which ho
was endeavoring to blow through his mouth
and nose. But morning never nrlngs moro
than renewed suspense another day of wait
Ing for the
which may ooino before evening , which may
not como lor many months , or whlcli ma >
never como nt all.
This sensation of sitting over a powdci
mine waiting for it to explode Is interesting
but not especially unusual down hero. All o
these little-boy republics of South America go
merrily along the same perilous pathway
until presently one of them stumbles eve
some political or Unanclal obstacle and fall
down. Not many months ago the republic o
Chili , through a slight excess of prollt-puy
ing politics , found herself torn by u rovolu
lion. The Argentine Hcpuollu has jus
arrived at the sumo end in a slight
ly different way. Little Uruguay , too
one of the most fertile countries ii
the world , is levying fixes enough to rui
Kussiu ; never before has she oi.Joycd snci
peace as at present , andshohus every chance
to prosper , yet she Is keeping half the papu
mills of England busy supplying her with
money the only kind that shu bus , and now
proposes to double all her Kostncu rates ii
order to replete her empty treasury. It is
not fur from stops like these , taken in time
of peace , to the ultimate tumble. And litmll ;
Uni/.H , which came Into the blessings of re
publicanism only a year ago , is financially
going to the dogs nt such a ruto that she
promises soon to overtake her older compoti
tors. Hvory one of these countries presents
the unique spectacle of a people prospering
for they do prosper In spite of their gov
Itrnzil , in common with the Argentina He-
public , employs an immigrant agent. No
creature on this earth , no matter how besotted
sotted , vile nnd altogether worthless. m > e <
feel without a friend while there exists ai
immigrant agent. So long as tbo creature
bo possessed of sulllck'iit endowments to en
nblo him to pass as a bonn tide member of the
genus homo , capable of counting as ono , he I
promptly embraced uy his friend the agent
given a paper dollar and a ticket to Brazil and
sent off to that
Fifty thousand such arrived to strengthen
the country during the month of August Jus
I a ised. They came from every extreme o
Jiuropo from Ireland , from Italy , from Nor
way. The change of climate had its nat
urul effect , and f > per cent uro reported t
have died before the end of September
But the best agent yet reported Is ono who
used to acquire wealth by bringing inou from
Europe to Huonos Ayres , getting his pay
from the Argentine government hero , urn
then posting them off by next steamer to lilo
de Janeiro , where ho received u second com
mission , lint trenins such as this could no
long slumber In obscurity , and that agent ha
forsaken the Immigrant business for politics
Buenos Ayres , has no Bedloes Island f ran
which to welcome her assisted immigrants
But In the center of the 1'laza Victoria btand
a colossal statue of liberty ; and the statu
and the government which put It there ar
strikingly Ilka each other.
Tbo coddcss is , at a distance , a very ma Jos
tie looking creature. She grasps a spea
with ono hand , and , if I remember rightly , a
riiAiKii HOOK WITH TIII : oTiinn ;
tbo spear , however , is iu her right baud , o
Ikely to bo of mow practical usefulness.
This statue gHttorsf'ln the sun with all the
appearance of purest marble : but n closer
low reveals the fuftt'that IU glitter Is duo tea
a cent of whlto t lnt. Searching n llttlo
urthcr , you will .notice a brouu-dowii near
ho base , and wlthlni'thls bole may bo scon
ho ordinary hrlct and mortar of which the
Itfuro Is bullt-oC which the shell Is built ,
rather for the Interior Is absolutely and sug
gestively hollow. Occasionally , when this
[ uccr affair has become worn and dingy , an-
ither coat of paint lilnpplled. but this course
lecolves nobody ufili-sj they be strangers and
low It from a ioni * way off.
Two hundred million dollars , the bank-note
wuo of this republic , is likewise n
cry imposing figure when viewed
iy a distant I observer. But ho
vlll find , by searching n llttlo into
statistics , that allowing for her immense for
eign loans , this country's real wealth tins not
net-eased ono cent during the last live years.
Jesldcs foreign loans , she is paying Interest
on her cedilla debt. The cedula is exactly
ho scheme proposed by Senator Stanford of
California when ho Introduced his bill pro
viding for government loans to farmers. It Is
n mortgage bond authorized by government ,
ssuedhy the provincial and national banks ,
and secured by mortgages on land , the Inter
est on these bonds being guaranteed by the
( overnment. The cedula scheme struck this
epubllo In 188'J , nnd the people rushed into
t with mouths characteristically wide open.
They plastered the country all over with ccd-
ulas. In eight years tbo amount of money
wrrowed in this way has been $110. per
iihnbltant , against $7'r > 0 In Franco nnd $10 In
Sweden , the highest European countries.
And now It Is discovered nnd here Is the
hat the land upon which thcso notes were
ssued was In many cases estimated at two or
tlireo times Its real worth , so that behind n
peed part of this note Issue there Is absolutely
no value whatever. A very largo sfo-ed hole
it Is , and fresh teats of paint in the shnpo of
lew issues only servo to bring out IU dark
outlines moro distinctly.
Revolutions , crooked polities , worthless Im-
nlgratlon , and harum-scarum mianccerlnp
J. Is nn Interesting picture of Improvement ,
su't it ? And yet I really believe that
'when" ' and "if" and "provided" several
hundred desirable and improbable things
come to pass , the Argentine Kopubllc will
got upon its feet again , or at any rate will
tome as near to it "as can reasonably bo ex
pected. "
nd the London Times thinks so , too.
A son of Mars A boy with a stepfather.
Dull care keens our noses to the grinstono ,
nit never puts Its own thero.
You'ro Just the man 1'ro been lajlnjr for , "
ns the briekmason sald to the contructor.
"I would Rive anything If Iliad a musical
car. " "Why don't you tuko quinine ! " "Qui
nine ! " , 'Certainly ; quinine will make your
cars sing. "
Saints lire not made in a day , but sinners
can bo made in n moment.
Sitting Bull begins to think It time lie got
One wouldn't object to hold tbo mirror up
to nature If it wns a good-looking hiss.
In order to stand up under misfortune it
frequently becomes necessary to stand up
ouo's friends.
'Docs the coliuri loalcl" "No. It's had
two foot of water int over slnco I've been in
the houso. Not a drop got out. "
It brings joy to'the ' he.irt of Anthony Coin-
stock to read about u ship skirting a bare
The most drcadoil result of the Indian ex
citement Is the revival of nil the Sloux-per
unualod jokes on the .subject.
lie ( ut 11:5. > ) I declare , the lamp is poinu
out ! She Yes , the lamp seoins to have
some idea of tlmo.
Scribbler I have Just lots of fun writing
my Jokes. Frlcnd-mTticn Unit explains It. I
wondered where the fun came In.
Bingo Dear me , I'm tired. My wife got
mo up nt ( i o'clock .this morning. ICingloy
Want did bho get you up so early for !
Blupo She wanted to catch the noon train.
Sanso When I yuvs in China Hodu
I never know yo'ii'hVd been in China. SanseI
I \\1is once \vhon I was iiltollcCc. I was
Jammed through the 'earth in n football
A Night of tbe Garter Christmas eve.
since so ninny stockings are suspended
Christmas would bo very lonely if Santa
Cluus failed to lend us the light of his pres
X-mus-tldo is full of SlOderncss.
A Christinas present this one.
The daughters of Eve think moro of
Christmas eve than of their llrst mother.
' .My dear sir. you have traveled In Africa !
Do the African Indies suiter as much us wo
from the tyranny of man ! " "O , no , the
Indies there have special privileges "
"How I lonir to bo there 1" "As I was going
to say , at all the banquets the lady captives
are always flr t eaten. "
Husband The tn.irks on my collars mo
getting so faint 1 ran't read them. Wife
Then I wish you would get another bottle of
that indelible Ink.
Ail iripartillelrd Offer.
Poii'l buy nwvtthlrM * at ha walch
lhat ian'1 Mand the till ll lm at any
prli * . Ililk rut I. tlit ( Uluri bC our
Full rnrai nl kin rh. aiib.fully war.
-"J inl irunrai trttlb ) UK for'A > ) tun.
I li * | l atlril rcr aiptaramv and
tirfiil a * & tllii'li-rir | , IhfraM
Mnairaiitnl I. ) lh grral llurbrr
n. tu wrar aiid krrp la ! color
> fqia. lordmihrr fir lf ! > -
' lluif. llerittiKlneci. It h
a iftftit mmrl of trnuty
UDilrli nt lltll ( and lanncl
Le < ! ilf.Mlrd4njnlitrJtlrclil |
lbiiljfor Ionian Ibrre
tluitsturi ili0 'J liefiioiruirnt
liour nwii aprflul ruby jtn
elod f.tli.U . Intrno/riLnt
iwitli hnlrn * > iHnhfil dial
tit lurntiiKd ifiikni. ttnrly
ritUI trt Iti nd nici'ti'ritntlv '
' . .Dtibnl balinre , unturpitttfd
M R | * lftil tini.rrrr | fcod
poiitlirly unrqnallrd In § p-
peartiiiMn. . \ w tihfi kit
told t J3.(0 | ( that Mill glv
no Uitcr rr uliiihMHM , nl
" ' K Ui tiII In I | tritpcrtJ.
aUollllli.l . ll * llt.
\rn.r unlrr and w * ttlll blip
the ( if" M offlre > r" fin'1'l ' * *
rrirrirntrU f v lh * riprru
apftil lh * > t mount , f J ? H tal
chirks ami H U j fHirt. othtrv * IM J ou fy iiotticg and U
wtltbfl rtturced utmir * iii-iii.t > .
\v rivw * k\cn witcb Mul lm t > * nta printta prfftnei gMnr Ton
tbr iirlvllrfff tortturn th w a tcli any tlmt within on * jfar It It
dwi not | lr prrftrt iftlUritrlbo. Ian onylhlo tw faint !
( lDorponlrd. ) | Q | & 133 ClQrC. St. , ChlCOgO.III.
* & ? l WILL DO.
117 *
Produces a .Beautiful . Complexion.
\yhltens a Sallow Stein.
Re moves Mottv n a Liver Spots.
Prevents S'unburn. , nnd Tan.
To Triwjlflrs It Is Indlspausable.
Keeps the Skin tferfoctln any Climate.
1'LANTA 1IKAT111OK , i'EK JAI ! l.5
Skin Refiner and Piinplo Remover.
Will roflno a COAIISi : , IIOUI1II , TOI1OUS BKlN.ft
] IOBtlvueuro | for I'lMl'I.KH , erupllont , umlontlrclx
removes Unit illgrtKrcvable HKD.SKHS with whluli tu
uianr are nnllclo 1. 1'erjar , fl.MX
Tlicsu goods tro nbiolutcly 1'LIllBnnJ JIAIIMI.K33
and enu bo ublalnpd at tbe ( ollowlnK roprusontutlio
Jxiillo A J. * lle , Kth nnd Dodge Streets.
Kulm.V Co. , Corner IStU and Douglni itrccta , and
North 2Uli un < t licit I.lno.
J , A. Fuller & Co. , 1103 Douglas street.
Wliuloialo .Ak'ontil llltliurdiun Drug Co. , 1007 and
1U11 Junes Btreet.
Or of Solo Manufacturcri ,
London Toilet Bnzai' Co. ,
38 and 40 West C3d St. , New York.
Wholesale Ofllco , No. m Kast ITtli St.
Troatlio on Ilio complexion at nbor odd re frco
or sent to r uy adJriu o n recent all tt > .
3all Programs , fifty designs.
Invitations , fifty designs ,
Wedding Invitations , all styles
3irth Announcements.
Mourning stationery.
Death announcements ,
ew Year Announcements ,
ew Year Cards.
Pine Commercial Printing.
Dan C. Shelley ,
Superior Printer ,
fourteenth and Farnam.
N , M. * Ruddy , Practical Optician ,
211 Soitt.h IGlh SLrooL.
Solid Gold Specmr ( nn
taclcs. Solid 0)0UU
Gold Eyeglasses'- (
Genuine Lcmaire rV7C
Opera Glasses. . JU
A good steel framed
Spectacle correctly -
ly fitted .
Artificial Human Eyes. Largest
stock in the west. Selections sent to
customers outside the city. _
Dr. F. C. Werner's
Are highly recommended lifter seven
years of successful experience by the
solo innntifucturor'd ,
Kopp , Dreibus & Co. ,
1 106 Farnam St. , Omaha , Neb.
Sold everywhere , oo per package ,
Send for Hnmnlos.
Holiday Presents.
Silk embroidered gowns for la
dies' and gent's ; silk smoking
jackets ; fine china ware , fire
screens ; fancy baskets , fine em
broidered table covers-handker
chiefs and shawls ; carved sandle
wood tarlc-a-brac and thous
ands of novelties which make
appropriate and suitable pres
ents , that cannot be found else
where in Omaha. Chinese lillies.
521 N.lGthSt-
Osihoff Block.
Tliu fltht Importation of
tliOMj bountiful lingers will
nri-lvn this \U'i'l ; . Ai 1 could
nut 1111 u II orders last " -ouscin ,
I adviceBteryoriu lie would
IIUu to Ktil miu < > f thi"-o wi'll
known iiuiiu't' KolIrM , by
ordcrliiB at o .ce. .si > uclal
trained Tours , Hell Notes ,
Lone Ml\nry Trills , and
\VliUtllii \ Notes $ < I.GO and
! M cueli slnitur. This li ) > t
slimliij CaiKirliR , you HUT
licuid In your life NnHhort
nr choppy notes' . Every
tonn swept , full and t-oH.
417 S. IBth St. , Omaha.
Try ono bottle nnd
-ou will USQ no otlior
polish for your Shoes.
Only Shoo DrotHiiip
over awarded u silver
Isolated Klectrlo Uffht Plants.
( The U.S. System. )
Elcotrio Motors nnil Generators. Write
for priced and estimates.
II , II. HUMPHREY , Agent ,
Now York Life Hu lillngOnmliii , Null.
ABOMr.TIUX < iXr.\V \ tl.00 nn hour 1'iislly
. nmdo liy AK IIH , niuluor fi'iauli' . Nun-
jilii mid full parlloularsfi'fe. ' C'HAs. E. MAU
ARiii.i. houkoort X. V ,
UXLY'-nr. I.educ'i I'erlodlcul I'Mli
thu French romodf. act on tlio monitrunl ij Ura and
euro lupprenlaa Irani nhsiover camo. I'romola
nientlrimtlon. Tiieiu i > llli liuuld nut bo taken dur-
. . Pill Co. , ' .
Dit vreiauncf. Am. llojaltj 1'ropi. Bpen-
cer. Cl r Co. , la. Uunulnubr Sherman & McConnell ,
UodKBit. , near l . o. , Omitm ; U. A. Molchor , Houtb
Umuliut M. I1. Ullu. Ouunsll UlulT * . Uur J fur U
You are not In inanfy slmpe. anil jet you don't
act. Wrlla to ui lo-dayl Delay Imperils all I
! _ . . . . . . . . . . _ . _ . . I describe * jour cuae.
JOUR NEW BOOKlf .u.iyeMH.ud. .
MK..V. For lluitlrtl lime Hooknmlled/rfc. K1
StMllUC.ll , CO. , ntiffalu , \ . V. foon 't jirelcr
I'orkcr Illock , litU anJ Faruau. Telephone VA ,
on the wall ,
so&ps h aye & great fall
Tell jour Grocer conges Ifjeir way ;
"SAAT.I 3011 mui CJ.AUS. ( limo " AIRBANIVS SOAP
has come
How to
* >
get a
(189i ( Christmas
Commencing Monday morning , December
1st , to every loaf of GARNEAU'S BREAD ,
there will be attached a red tin tag. Save these
tags , deliver them to our office , and get a prem
Your grocer will give you n circular containing n list of prem
iums to be awarded buyers of our bread and holding tin tags , in tha
quantities named.
These premiums are suitable for grown persons as well as child
ren. In striving for these premiums you not only get a full
pound loaf of bread for Be , but also a tag which , when the proper *
quantities are collected entitles you to a premium.
You may take your choice of any of the articles noted on the cir
cular , providing you hove the necessary number of tags.
One person may get enough tags to receive two or more prem-
Do not delay ; this chance won't last very long.
Be sure you get a tin tag stamped "Garneau's Bread" on every
Fremuims awarded every Wednesday and Saturday , between
three and five o'clock.
12tH and Jackson Streets.
Skates , Boys' Chests of Tools , Fine Pocket Cut
lery , Scissors and Scissor Cases , Carving Sets , Rog
ers' Triple Plated Knives and Forks , Tea , Table and
Dessert Spoons.
That Person Had. I Could Hardly Talk With Him. "
There is not a person who
reads this that has not both
heard and made a similar ex
pression to the above , perhaps
many times , yet few ever think
what the cause is. Nine cases -
out of ton a bad breath is caused
by decayed teeth. These cava-
ties of decay form rocepticles for
the accumulation of food which
becomes decomposed , hence the
offensive odor. Ono decayed
tooth will often make the breath
almost unbearable to those with
whom you converge. It being a
sensitive subject to mention be
tween friends frequently one
goes In ignorance of how offen
sive their breath may be. This is not all. The decomposed matter
In a cavity of decay is constantly being swallowed and Is frequently
the cause oCdiseases of the stomach , which in manycases bring on
othe'r complicated diseases of the general system. How important it
should be then , to keep your mouth in a clean and healthy state , Torso
much of your health , comfort and happiness depend upon H. Visit
DR. BAILETY , The Dentist ,
And have your mouth looked over. Examination and advice fv c.
Office 312 Faxton B'ldg. Telephone 1085. 16th and Farnam Sts.
1316 Douglas Street , Omaha , Neb.
12O7 Douglas Street.
Btovo repairs of ull ( losTlptlnns for cook ii-vl lioatlnit stoves , f umlfy and liotol ranitci. Wiitcl
ittudiiiiuiitH u Bi > ocliilty.
Telephone Q(3O ( ROBERT UHLIG , Proprietor.
C. M. EATON , Manager.