HIE FREAKS OF INVENTORS ,
Eomo of the Ourious Thlnga in the Woshirg-
ton Tatont OfEce.
IF YOUR HENS GO ON A STRIKE
Ilcre'n nn KKK Porcrr You
A Toy Cow 1 lint ( Jlvcs Itcnl
Milk riHhliiK Tiir Tnpo
WorniH.
\CnjivrtfiM \ , ttVO , I'll
\VjtfiiiNfiTov , July ni. | Hpcclal to 'lai :
UKF f- 1 hnvo spent the past week In looklnp
up the freaks of the patent office. Sldo by
side with the greatest Invention1) of the ao
arc classed the craziest offsprings of tbo
human brain. Today some mighty lidhon
patents nn Idea \vlilch lights the wcrld mid
tomorrow some lunatic offers n plan by
which all humanity cnn lift themselves to
heaven by their bootstraps. In looking
through the p.itent otllco you are surpiised at
the wisdom nnd the foolishness of man's In
tellect. The ono Uns great as the other , and
from the foolish point of view It would seem
that when an Idea of a patent creeps Into nn
Inventor's house , common scnso flics out of
his uiinloiv. Tiiku the department of cnnes
and umbrellas. Thcronro thousands of cnnes
of nil shapes nnd sizes nnd ono of these Is a
cano nnd spittoon combined. It Is patented
by Myron Is. Dux tor of Illinois and It states
Unit the tobacco chowcr has only to suek the
hcnil of the c.inovhenlio can slip hU saliva
Into It to the extent of half n pint nnd that
Ids huly love or the preacher need know
nothing of it , "This cane" said ho "is of
great tulvniitaKo during the continuance of
religious services , lectnro/i or other enter
tainment' ) . " Its top is nindo la the shape of n
dog's head and the opening for the expector
ation Is timdoln the mouth of the dog ,
.Another cauo has an eyeglass attached to
its head and the third Is so arranged Unit the
drinking mnn cnn carry his allowance ot
whlshcy Insldu of It and talto hhnlp on the
Bly There urc cane umbrellas , sword cniics
nnd pistol canes and canes which nro so joint
ed that they can lie formed Into the legs of a
stool of such a n.ituro that the petlestilnn
can sit down and tike : i rest during Ids
walk.
Some ot tlio grcit'"it fortunes nro made out
of patent toys , and there are a do/on toy In
ventors who have made fortunes duiing the
last twenty yours. Among these are Cr.in-
dall the " ' In Glover" .
, wlmgotnp 1'lgs pu/7le.
I'lumpton , the innn who invented the roller
skutos , the Inventor of the re-turning b.dl and
others There tire perhaps 2OJ ( ) toys in ono
division of the patent ofllee , and ono of the
latest and eraxlost curiosities is a doll baby
WHICH sfrivs run IIOTTI.I : .
This doll is patented by liudolph Stclncr of
Germany audit consists of n doll baby sitting
on a pan with a bottle Illicit with genuine
milk on n llttlo table In front of It. A rubber
tube connects with the glass pipe which runs
Into thobottle , and going Into the mouth of
the child runs down behind and through
the doll Into the pin. By moans of a syphon
which comes out through the doll's head , ma
chinery Is set In motion by which the doll be
gins to suck and the milk ilov-s tip Into It's
mouth and out Into the p.m. No sensible
mother would over think of buying such a
toy for her child nmt it would bo tbo dirtiest
and sloppiest kind of amusement. Still thl *
man Steluor thought so much of it that ho
patented It both in Gerin.iny and America ,
anil ho evidently expects to get n foitune out
of it.
it.Another
Another toy of much the sumo order is the
toy cow which cm bo milked. This cow is
made of wood or metal nnd It has a
tank insldo of It Just where the bag
of the cow usually is. There nro
four udders connected with this , nnd thcso
have llttlo valves In them , so that by sqnocv.-
Ing thorn a certain amount of milk ( lows out
each tlmo. Of course tlio tunic must Ih'jt bo
filled with milk , nnd this is done through a
plpo tu it ruin up from tha tank to tha tail ot
the cow. The Inventor states that the action
of milking Is exactly the sumo : \t that , of the
real eow , and ho has in addition an Iron wire
which connects with the Jaws of the cow and
runs back to this t ink , so that Dolly chows
her cud while her tents are lei ijj pulled.
THK lll.t'MINATKU CAT
was granted iipitont In 1831 , and it Is neat
of pasteboard or tin for the puqmo of
frightening nits or inleo. This eat Is to bo
inndo In n sitting pasture , and It Is painted
over with phosphorous , so that It shlnos In
the dink like a cat of lire. Its Inventor
Btntcs that it ouvjht to bj pjrfunud with oil
of peppermint which Is obnoxious to rats and
mice , niul that Mliilo It docs servo
to scare tlio rodents away In
the daik it may ba nmdo so as
to form a useful parlor ornament lu the day
time. Another cat equally funny is the pit-
cut sheet iron eat which is worked by clock
work and \\lilchhasa bellows Inside of It
which swells up Us tall to thoslzo of the mad
dest of felines , If properly set It will emit a
iioUo equal to the wildest of living midnight
Thomases and it has In addition steel claws
and teeth. You nlml It up and place U oa
your roof und net It to howliiifr. All the cats
In ( lie iielghboihood jump for it and Its poison
laws kills every ono Itstrilco-i.
Tlu-ro nro numcious patents containing the
principle ) of the lllnmlnntcil cat. Luminous
harness has been patented so tint a homo being -
ing driven at night looks like a sheet of chain
4iglitning and you think Elijah's chariot has
como to earth again. There are luminous
.Viatch boxes mid luminous ghosts to drlvo
away gruvo robbers. The patents to protect
the dead are especially funny. A f ter every
noted grave lobbery metallic cofllns come hi
by the siorcs and I looked at ono coflln sur
rounded by burs of wrought Iron binding tlio
casket and extending out from
it nt Biuli u distance that vlicn
set In the earth It would bo Imposlblo
to move It except by a derrick. A New York
man has Invented a coftlu torpedo consisting
of it canister ot powder , balls and a trigger ,
and ho warrants It
TO KILL ASV rnitsox
wlio attempts to open the grave In which It Is
placed , lie docs not reflect that In this day
of changing graveyards t > omo of the genera
tions of the futuio mny wimt to remove their
foiefathers , nnd m.iy to their great surprise
bo ulvcii an Immediate introduction to then
through this torpedo. A Massachusetts Yan-
Veo has patented n dynnhdto bomb which ho
jiliues In the tomb. This would shoot the
grave-robber up to heaven , and it U equally
prnb.iblo that It might semi both the cotlln
and the rorpsodown to thoothcr place. Then
nro hundreds of patents for different kinds of-
cinbahnlng juice , and the embalming juice hit
voutors fougilt o\er General Grant's body ne
Mount McGregor in order to demonstrate the
virtue of their various llulds. One of thcsa
seine years ngo sent n model consisting of
coflluUth nn embalmed baby In It to the
patent olllco mid was very Indlirnant because
the commissioner would not put this deui
baby on exhibit Ion.
Speaking of cofllns calls attention to med
ical patents , Doctors' ' mistakes nro generally
burled and souio of the inventions hero show
the means by which men nra tukeu qut of the
world lu trying to remain In it. The medlcii
patents nro of every description. One of the
most ildlcutous was rofeired to lu a , recent
speech In congress. It is a
TJUT.WOKJl TKAP
nnd its Inventor Is a man named Mjers who
claims ho bus had great success in catching
tapeworms with It. It consists of a llttlo
gold cnpsulu about half an inch long and as
I big round ns a lead pencil. At the end o
I this caiisulu there is n little ring and to this t
I silk thread Is to ho tied. Bv pulling tlio cap
I biiluapait you seta opilngii good deal like
I that of the old fashioned stool tooth raUrai
I and this Hpiluglms teeth lust like the rat
I trap. Vou bait It with a llttlo bit of chcoso
I itarvo yourself for about threeiiuya nnd thci
I iwillow the trap maintaining nil the while i
I careful hold of the thread attached to
I It , Your tapeworm which by this tlmo
Is very hungry imikcsa greedy dash for the
spring together on his head nnd you draw him
out huiul over hud and set your trap for the
ii'xtworm , Another tmp for worms Is the
Ittlo silver hojlt which ono swallows nnd
which catches the worms a * we catch llsh.
The Inventions for smokers nro so nmtiy
that a division of the patent ofllco has to bo
given up to them. There nro llozcns of
devices by which a nnm may carry his cigars
around in his hat , nnd the pipes nro legion.
One of the moil curious of plpo inventions Is
n rest or brace by which the weight of the
pipols tnUen oil the tcctn and rested on the
chin. This Is siild to bo n very good pipe for
sore tcoth , but It Isdouhtfulwliether It would
bo ot much use to the ordinary smoker.
Thcio are umbrellas which can be turned into
pipes nnd pipes which can bo turned into
canes , and there nro perhaps a hundred In
ventions for the cutting oil of end * of cigars ,
some of which are probably valuable.
In agileultiirnl patents the human brain
has gone wild. The old cannon plow has
been often referred to by which the farmer
tnkei his horses out of the furrow and shoots
at the Indians , The IOUTS' gate , however , Is
new , and this consists of a gate which will
swing both ways mid which cuu bo lowered
and raised to suit the size of the lovers. Oil
the same principle Is the adjustable pulpit ,
which vlll ill till kinds of preachers. The
pulpit runs up nnd down on a pillar by n
spring , uml by pressing a button the preacher
can raise It to his height or lower It to suit.
It is said Unit this Invention wis in use In
one of the western congregations nnd that a
shoit preacher had been Invited to discourse ,
but hud not been told of the peculiar ar
rangement upon \\lilch the bible was placed
lu front of him. IIo was a very active llttlo
man and lie had a way of pounding his pulpit
nud leaning over mid slinking his linger nt
the congregation. During one of his wildest
moments , while in tun position , ho kicked
the button with Ids knee and the pulpit ,
which had been set at three feet , str.ilght\\ay
sprung up to six , carrying the preacher kick
ing along with It.
There Is a patent intulilnoliero
roll rnni i NO IIINS TO I.VY r.oos
and tlioro are numerous ones for the preven
tion of their eating their eggs or bieaklug
thorn. Jluuyof the patent hem' ' nests hnvo
llvoor six false eggs glued to their bottoms
and the Innocent hen iliops her egg ou a trap
which lets it slide down into a box beneath
whereupon the tiap spilnps back and the
tn-st Is ready for a second laying. ' 1 hero Is
otio branch of the patent olllco known as that
of cow-tall holderu. The festive cow is apt
to lllit her tall while she is being milked nnd
as the tall Is not always of the cleanest this
Is offensive to the pretty milk tmilil. Many
of thcso cow-tall hdldeis - > tvap the tail to the
hind leg of the cow , others fasten It to a
beam over her head and still others weight
the tail in such a waj that if the weights
wein attached to a strong-talleil cow she
might blow out the brains of tlio milker
There tire patents for horses' ' tails as well us
eo\\s' tails and Hit1 science of milking a
horse's tail extend out from the Ixxiv
lit just the proper angle is one which
has bothered the Intellects of inniiy
patentees. Most of these patents are super
ior to the old plan of tjlng a chestnut burr
under the horses uil out they are all ridicu
lous andiniumetlcablo. To ! ; most curious
among them , however , Is the patent of n van-
kcowho has Invented an "Adjustable False
Tall for Horses. " lie claims In his spccillcu-
lions that this tail will pn//lo and mistily the
keenest critics of horse Ilesli and that with It
the bob lulled horse or the rub tailed horse-
becomes quite as valuable as him whoso tall
reaches to his feet.
Other patents are thcso for training her > es
and in many of these tlio hind legs of the
horse mo strapicd up to belts around his
body , and some me bo complicatul that they
would frighten n high-shung animal to
death. A western man has patented u shield
to prevent a horao from beini ; cut by wire
femes , and this consists of a sort of armour
of padded cotton or leather ivhlch Is str.ipped
around the neck , breast and front legs ot the
horso. Another way of preventing horocs
from hurting themselves on these fences Is
found In the electrical division. The whes
are charged with elcctrieitv , nnd when the
horse goes against them ho gets a shock
which iltlvcaldui back. In the same divl-
sloirthero is an electric plan for preventing
horses from curbing. The manger is charged
with electricity , nnd the moment the hoiso
attempts to curb he gets a shock. Then
there is a chicken nobbier consisting of a
spring attached to n hen's leg which if the
hen attempts to scratch will move it onward ,
mid will in fact walk it
IIUIIIT OUT OP THE 0 UHIEX.
There Is the bed bug buster by which the
insects uro gotten Into a hoppjr nnd killed by
chloiofoitn , and there Is nUo the tumbler try
trap through which the Hies drop into a b.ith
of alkali.
The patents to make women beautiful are
numerous. There are face powders by the
hundreds and bust improvers by the score.
Tlio nose improver Is ono of the most curious
of these crazy patents , It has made , It Is
said , a fortune for Its Inventor , and It con
sists of a metal shell formed of two parts
which tire connected by a hinge. The shape
of its insldo Is that of a perfect
nose , niiuiline , Jioinuii or Grecian , as jou
prefer , and it tlocs all its work at
night. The patent states that the nose should
bo first well bathed in warm water and then
groused with olive oil until It is thoroughly
softened. After this the improver is to be at
tached and the person using it is to go to bed
and sleep until morning. At first it Is said
the operation is somewhat painful , -but this
wears oft' In a few nights and the soft car-
tllago of the nose soon begins to assume the
foim of the beautiful shape of the Impiwcr.
At the end of eight weeks you have a brand
nownoso which icmaiiis with you until you
get tired ot it , when yon buy a different stjlo
of Improver nnd come out in n new nose quite
different from your lost onohutsti'i beauti
ful. A Hoston woman has gotten out a
patent cheek bcautltler , which takes away all
tlio liollowncas and gaunt ness from nn olit
maid's ihops and tiansfonns them into the
mii.iciousruj.Mi'.Ni s oi SWIITSIMIIX. : :
It consists of a spilng plate with two prongs
attached to it. This nhito Is fastened into the
teeth at night and the prongs reaching out
from both sides prop out the cheeks so that
they lose their hollow look nud grow round
and young again. The sumo woman has n
p.itent way ot making the lingers tapering
nnd elegant by means of compression and she
calls her patent "Tho Finger Compress. "
Kcstaurant keepers have long been troubled
as to how to get oven with their boarders. Jos
ephine Doriat of Now York has gotten out a
p.itent for them. It consists of a tnblo and
stools both of which run on an endless chain.
The diner comes in takes a seat on a .stool ,
nays his twonty-llvo cents for his meal nnd it
Is set before him. The table then begins to
move and the man moves along with it. It
continues to move him along till ho gets to
the other end ot the room and tit this time ho
Is supposed to have finished his mctil for his
dishes slide otT nrouml a vtlicelnnd his stool
slides out with him. Theie is nn endless
chain of these stools and the procession of
diners nud dinners goes on continuously. The
inventor states tliat her improvement mater
ially reduces tlio number of waiters ueccs-
stuy for a restaurant. It avoids delay la
serving meals and
I'UIJVhSTS ANT UNDUE I.IXOnillXO
nt the table on tlio part of the guests.
There is a p.itent faro box In the model
room and there tno patent dice boxes nnd
caul games , Ono of the dleo boxes throws
up the dice by means of a spring and the
thiowlng Is done under n glass case so that
it Is Impossible to cheat with them. Curious
boot jacks form another largo class *
of jiatcnts nud ono of tlieiu
consists of nil Iron affair made in the slmpo of
a pistol which you can curry In your hip pock
et nnd frighten a robber with upon occasion.
There is also a patent poekctbook with a pistol
tel Insiuo It. When thorobbor asks you for
your money or your llfo jou hand out your
pocketbook and shoot him through the heart.
Other patents are still more ridiculous and
the man who looks for cranks on his ro.id
through the patent olllco will como to think
that Inventors are fools mid their patents
humbugs. The serious side Is , however , the
great sldo of the patent oftlco and this 1 may
discuss hereafter , *
THANK G. CAJU'ENTTK.
Dr. Birnoy cures catarrh , Bee bldg.
Suit for .Moths.
For moths salt is tlio best extermina
tor. The nuns In ono of the hospltul
convents liuvo tried overj'thliiff else
without bucccas , and their experience Is
valuable , us they have to much clothing1
of the Hick who go thorn , and btmngcro
when dying often leave there quantities
of clothing , otc , They laid n room full
of foiithew , which wore sent there for
pillow makingnud they were in des
pair , ns they coula'nuit , e.xtcnnlimto the
moths until they were udviscil to try
common salt. They sprinkled.It around ,
anil in a week or ton days they were al
together Hd of the moths.
never troubled uo > v ,
_ r. Birnoy cures caturrh , Bee blUg ,
FIZZES FOR TORRID WEATHER
Some OoollnglOjncoctlons Prepared by Funnj
Men now Living.
MRS , BIPPS WS VERY WILLING ,
\ Tale of Towers ACamlltl Comluc-
tur rimuliliiuiiuiil ) | tu a Deb
tor A Monti Uovcnye
Sex.
New York Hum "I nin film ! to sco you ,
sir , " Rtilil thu widow to the editor. "Voiir
obituary of my hmbniulVM Inwitlful. I
wish ho could have lived to rend it. "
Mlscjiinuvptloii. . . _
New Yoik Sun : Clcvcrton 1 understand
tlmt.iou took ullyorln Wall street the otlur
ilny.
Duslmwiy You nro wrong. It was n
header.
Illpiis AVus
Eiwch : Mr. Hippi Tlmt muilldno I too'c
Ihls morning innkuime fid like another man.
AIn. Ulpps-\Voll , I hope to goodness you
urc. It is time.
_
TinUMinlTliltiff. .
New York HUM : Hunker I never war tlio
pair of trousers for two days without
Hill Neither do I. I ntxvnys take mine elf
U night. _
AM mliij ; Cull.
Hnrper's Bnrnr : .Mrs. I'attaiiKlll ( to ncitrh-
lior who linn Just l > dioppil fn"i-"No ) ,
Elvlry , I Mil' t say no , r.uly , I can't that I
iriiin1 to limcr.ils ' ' of
enjoy , 'coptlii' , course ,
when It's one of my own follK"
i\ Ti'.iiChrlstl'in. .
Tcvns Sittings : rorijusoii : "People uconso
ino of driiiKim ; too much , 1m t , I aery them
say that 1 ever had nay words With my wife's '
mother. " McCusieic : "UucM she doesn't '
llvo'ln thosiimo house uitti you. " IVryu-
sea : "Yes , she docs , but she s Uuinb. "
lln ; InUri'riitli.
The Jester : Fiivmi'r ( .ilioiml a street car )
"Do you ritigtlmt cloi-1 : thins. ' , mister , every
tlmoyou celled a fare * "
Conductor "No , sir ; wo only register the
faros that we turn into the i-omp.iny. "
Tlio COIIIII'H Tosl of GiiLlifiic4s. :
Jeweloi's Weekly : Miss Booille ! "Count ,
lio\v do you know that your dumoudj uro
genuine ? "
Count ditto ( iiiithcircss : "By 20 advances
of zc luwnbrolwirc' . "
A I'leu to Iiiupiro Pity.
Jeweler's Weekly : Jeweler : "Can't ' you
p.iy mo something on Unit bill you ewe me ! "
UelJtor : "How mueh do you want 1"
.lowelor : "I'd lilte enough to hire a lawyer
to sue you for the lulamu. "
I > o\c mid lli
Mtmsey's ' Weekly : Kthcl "Dlil Hurry
scetn very inucli nut out when you told him
you illdn'tlovo him well enough to marry
him' ' "
Apncs "No , the brute IIo merely s-iitl ,
'Well , business is busluo s , ' and lett tl.c
hotibu. "
ll < : : ir < i on tin ; leu:3i : ,
Munscy's \Vceltley \ : Aim Gusli Who
Is that man with the repulsive
looking face ! He looks UUo a irnir-
ili'rcr. .fust sco his wicked little , ( yes I'm
Mirnhe isi convict. Oh ! He's coming tills
way Tact's rim !
Miss flush Why , cton't von know \vho
tliitis ! That's ' the Dnko ofCottin hnm. "
MKs Ciiish How perfectly sjiloiulidl In-
tioduco 1110 to him , ( hero's a dear girl.
UiiclassllliMl.
Usht : Census 12iiumcr.itor Have 3ou any
chililren I
Old Plainsman Yes , two.
Cuisus Enumerator Sons or dimyhthorsl"
OM PliIiiHimin Neither , confound 'eint
They're loth dudes ,
Will lie a
Arkansas Traveler : Minister ( to boy )
"So von luivo como out to tlio Sunday school
picnic instead of frolng to the circus ? "
Boy "Yes , sir. "
"Inm proud of you. my llttlo mnr. One
of these days you may bo a meat statesman "
"Yes , sir.-
"Como here , Brother Moony ( vailing someone
ono ) , nnd talk to this little fellow that would
rather come out hero among the blessed
childicn then go to the circus. "
Boy "No , 1 wouldn't rath cr co mo here , but
pa give ino llfty cents 1o eonio hero 'stoad of
poln' to the circus , but. yon oet your life I'll '
take the llfty an' go tomorrcr. "
He Know All About It.
Blnithnmpton T-eador : The other day In
ono of oar public school it happened that
Atlas bcuitno Incidentally a subject of refer
ence , and the teacher asked the children If
any of them could tell her something of tills
fabled personage. Ono of the little girls ic-
motnbcred hnvliiK heard that Atlas used to
hold up the earth and sitld so "Used to
hold It upl" said the teacher : "and can anyone
ono tell mo why ho stopped holding up the
ctirthl" There was silence fora few seconds.
when a lad in the middle of the room said ho
"guessed It was coz the e.irth pot old enough
to holu itself up. "
Late Return from KvtMilitg Cliiiruli.
.Yciy foil ; llcitiM.
"What kept you , my daughter , at service so
Sweet Iinopeno'a father said.
"Whenever you po with yoiuif ; Keprolwto
You never get back to our garden yato
Till every one's gone to led.
"Tho sermon was tedious , " the daughter re
plied ;
"Tho preacher was dull and grim ,
Till the end of ttiosorrlco wo bad to bide ,
But the longest watt"and sweet Inioyciio
sighed
"Wusciiuscd by the parting him. "
No Koso AVIl limit n Tliorn ,
Terre Haute Express : Mrs. Watts Did you
enjoy your summer trip very much I ,
Mis. Potts O Jmt moderately. I miqht
have enjoyed It hotter if the city papers had
not como every day and made mo joulUo that
was 150 miles iiway from a bargain counter.
That Made a IHIVerpiiee.
Jewelers' Weekly : Miss Do Simper I
want to buy n diamond necklace.
Jeweler Something worth about $1,500 !
Miss Do Simper : O my ! lam tin actress
and want something positively utunnliifj.
Jeweler I sco. Hero Is one with fifteen 4-
car.it stones. I cnn bell you that for $13.
Tlio I'idii ol'l'arlliij ; .
Philadelphia Times : "I had hoped , darling ,
Unit as your husband I might llvo nnd dlo
happy , bjt now it cannot ho. Tonight \\o
must part nnd part forovor. You will never
see mo again. 1 am polng far , fni'rtwny. ' "
"Now , you frighten mo , I'd ward ; do not
talk thus , \Ylmt should part us I"
"Ha ! ha ! " ho lunched bitterly and smiting
his forehead. ' 'Would It were not so. But
till ic-grots are rulii.Vu part tonight for
ever. " *
" 0 , Kdwnrdl "Why , why ! "
"Simply because the lioss has engaged im
cxiwrt to start tomorrow ou examining the
books. "
Required.
Good Xowsi Mr. Hlghtono Aly dear , you
must send that now girl away nt once , She
Is not fit to linvo mound.
Mrs. Hlghtono I will , Just as uulclc as I
can write her n rofcrcncc.
"Uofeit'iicol Do you mean to say you In-
tcnd to glvo that crcnturo a references I"
"Of course. How can I help itl If I don't
sho'll tell every ho cly the condition you carao
homo In the other ulght , and tho-tho way I
talked to you. "
Tlio Kt am * < > r tlu Gcmt. *
Chlcapo Times : McCorklo'tho ( newly ap
pointed real cstato nsacssor on Ills rounds )
There , Mibthur O'Toolo , Ol'vo put In the
primlsed ut J.'O a phut front uud tbc goat
at tlO.
O'Toolo T'bat the snakes hev yez to do vld
Uiooal ( ! He Isn't raloistato ,
MiCorklo 0 , ho isn't , Isn't ' hoi Don't yez
attlmpt to Interfere wid modootles. Jllsthur
O'Toolo. Oi hev the law an' 01 know mo
blzncss. Mo Instrooctlons Is to "usslss at a
fair valuation all r.do property boundln' nnd
nbuttln'oii both shies av the strato. " Ol'vo '
been watcbin1 thobastoand It's many a tlmo
( ecu ' 1m n bounlu' ind a bultln' ca
lioth sides av the slnilo. It will ba $10 ,
MIsthur 0'1'oole.
Dr Birnoy curescntarrh , 13co bldf. {
Somervlllo Jounialt The people who yacht
to bo happy ought to ho tiniuu'i oughtn't
thevl
( Me ) Aw ; Ono of ouryounp tnon
lost n diamond pin rocintlv nnd advertised
lor it In the A ( re. 1 ho not t day ho found It
In a drawer in his diossln * case.
Somervlllo JourmlJ The imnllcr brother
has nt least sotno happiness when the larger
brother gets \vhlpi < cil ntichocl.
"Joe , your quirreh with your lso uro lie-
comim ; tlio t-ilk of tbo town ; 11 llttlo oil on
troubled wateri , you know " ' -11111 , It's oil
that causes nil the trouiilo now. Turmoil. "
Dallas Xewsi Therolt noscnso In weep
ing over split milk when It is two-thirds
water.
South Sldo Observer : Ilillstouos Inten
ded for publication uro usually a * big as hens
Washington Post : "Here nro some flno
fpcclmonsof jold bearing quarts , " siild tlio
milk dealer , as his speelally-inannfmtured
| ilnt-imd threo-qiiurt measuring CHIH arrived.
Whltesldo Hi r.Ud : It Is so muih o.islor to
look wlso than li is to establish that fait
orally that many pcoplo saw wooJ and say
notlilng.
I'uck : The poi.01-imcnt wants a nc-w de
sign for the silver dollar , Jay Gould inigbt
to b.o able to furnish 0:10. : lie has spoat tilt
whole lifo getting up designs for dolhm.
Scrautoii Truth : Taoio are dull times m
the farm when the hey his to turn the grind
stone.
ThoBostonlin : Did you ever know that n
wagon spokuf"
"Yes , 1 heard ono complain about beiiij , '
tired.1
Uoston Transcript : Mis. Dorbcr ' 'Thoro
Homy , I Inivo llnWied painting t ho vase.
Now , If lonlj knw whcroto lire it. " Mr.
Uorber"What's : the nnttorwito the us > li-
barrel ( '
Now Yoik Sun : Mrs , Slowboy I didn't
catch Dr , Timel.\ . text this inoniintr ; It
wasn't ' from Hubert Hlsinro.vasltf \ Mrs ,
Hastlo Of co'iwo ' not : It w.w from 'Mario
ll.ishklrthoir. ' "
Tone Ilauto Impress : Minnie Thoivhnvo
k'en so many elumqes rail ) . ' oil the weld
'l.uly' that I a n mrlmod 1o tlilnk It Is butter
to bo Just a pl.iin woiiun. Mainto Cer
tainly , ilcar , tint Is exactly what 3011 mo.
Biiniiiu'lmm Lender : There is nobody or
notlilng in this woild that is o often crossed
hi love as the fitmt doormit.
Yankee Illar'o : Di'dliod-Say , dootor , what'
kind of meduine will cure my cold I Dr ,
Smait The kind I presciibo.
Dr. Birnoy cures ciilnrrh , Bee blilg.
O WIC IJ T < ) Tx IOI5MAN ,
I pray thcp , iceman , why dost thou
So coldly til i n away ftom ino !
The hunk of icctho'i'loav'st ' ' mo now
Is not the hunk It ought to bo.
Two months ape vou caiiw my way ,
And handed In your little bill
"Five dollars llftr-cn pounds a day"
I paid it with a ehiorfnl will.
Then nil i once that hunk of Ice ,
For which yon asked tbo amplest pay
ly ) so'iie nulijin and weird device
Seemed to dlmini-d. day by day.
And when you c.illwl a montli ago
And hauiled In year little bill
' Six dollars llfti-iMi pounds a day'1
I gro.uieil , but giMi.ntii. ' paid it itill.
And though with h at-tnoho diy by day ,
I've watched Urn' wasting hunk of ice ,
You have the check to come and say
You think you'll 'b.woto raise tlio piico.
Hast thou a cemetery lot
'
Ait wearlodof Ufa's '
varj'inc phases-
Anil wouKUt thou occupy n spot
Beneath the pretty little daisies'- , .
Dr. Birnoy euic-s catarrh , 13oo
O
< ' & ! ( rfliK L.lItfK ! } .
The women's exohangos In this country
have paid out $1OU9KK ( ) us leinuncratlon to
women in twelve years.
Alb.tny.Un. , lias a fcmalo jcwclo'r , fair ,
JOUIIK and pretty , -\vho can hold her o\ui with
any watchmaker in the state ,
The newest thins hi ballroom sllppcia is to
have the pompadoar heels coveiod with
bronze to the black patent-leather shoos.
The Maori \\omenof A'ow Zealand ate killIng -
Ing themselves trying to wear corsets since
they hue : seen them on the missionary
women.
As regards stockings , blaik wmains
triumphant in evciy texture , bolt sillt , cot
ton or wool , and it is to bo seen in the even
ing salon as well as for morning and pronie-
n.ido wear.
Long , half-tlght-lltting mantles , with loose.
haniing ( heck sleeves , may bo consldciod us
the very thing for evening or carriage wear.
Green is also still liked , though In a some
what subdued shadu.
Harmless vanities uro permissible with
every woman , so. A\heii making tiaii.sparcnt
sleeves to a black lace dinsn line them with
very line white net , which does not show
when the sleeves aiu worn , though it makes
the arms look much whiter.
Tlio lovely Uo ul.in linen , which lus
already found much favor , has of late been
madeunule.iched inn beautiful dclccato ecru
color. Be-iidesthousiialstripes wo ha\o now
checks formed sometimes with meie-ly u
thicker thread orith colored thic.ids ,
Some young ladies of Hrid eton , N. J. , nro
raising money to pay oft their chutc'h debt by
doiiivuliorcs. Their ex perlonces nro interest-
Ing. Ono bl.icked her brother's boots , another
took In a week's wishing , another washed a
wealthy lady's pot dog , while others \u\\o \
swept out stores and aono kindred choies.
Tlio padlock garter is the latest fad In
lircivevillo. It is inadool' bluosllir , and is
fastened \\lth a Jeweled padlock buckle , and
It Is undciitood that the most beautiful and
original belles of the Windy city wear it us
an amulet , a charm , an appendage , which
brings good luck forever niul secures the 111-
iilliuent of every geutlo wish.
Pew materials ni-o nicer for sumrnor wear
than thin woolens with a very light llowored
pattern. Tlioyshould bo madn priufossshapo
nnd may then bo viorii for tlio proiiienndo
without the jacket or mantle , A silvir-grov
polonaise ( lowered with largo and small
spr ivs. with gay velvet skirt and sleeves , is
as distinguished looking ut It is light and
pretty summer wcaiv
Knglish ladies arc adopting the fashion of
putting their maids who wilt at tibia In
livery. The skirts arc plain of these livery
gowns and of the heraliili ) color of the honso.
All the pleats nro thrown behind. Then tlio
waistcoat and Jacket are trimmed with livery
bands , buttons and crests or monograms in
metal A high stiff white collar , white cults
mid a tiny white cup Hlio a topknot compute
this livery.
Autograph fans , a revival of an old fashion ,
are iimilo this season of ivoiy jnper , an c < -
cellent imitation of real ivory , nnd on each
stick the imiiio.or bentlineiit and naiup of
favoiito beaux or friends can bo inscribed
withtndclllblo Ink. If you number an artist
or a musician among your favorites a sketcher
or a bar of music nnd the autograph can per
haps bo etched upon two or moroof the
sticks , along with the nuiiio of the etcher.
A summer drawing room has cxcecdhmly
pretty cuitalns of transparent white muslin ,
with u pattern of largo round snots. They
are lined throughout with gold-colored India
silk , and are trimmed on the edge with a trill
four Inches deep of imitation Valenciennes
lace , Broad bands of yellow bilk as vtidoas
n man's sash ftiste-n theTm hack. 'Hie shades
to the windows are ofhlto and gold striped
linen , the strlpo being two inches wide.
Striped window shades are now and qulto cf-
fectivo. They como In red , blue and jellow ,
striped with white. AH Exchange.
Airs. "Willie 1C. Vanderbiltls s.dd . to hnvo
the most Imposing ; bed In New York. It 10-
vlvcs the ancient &tylo cf posts and eunoplcs.
and It st.-nds enthroned as itwcrooa iiraiscd
platform twostops high In the center of the
room , which has four windows looking out ,
two on Fifth uvonuoandtwoon 1'ifty-socond
street. The bedstead isoi rosewood and the
canopy used to bo lined with an enormous
plate mirror so that the blcopor could ECO her
face and llguro asloiiKas slio kept awake ,
but this vulgar thing has been removed and
Is now tcpUiced by.tho more conventional
panel of old mo satin.
Dr. Birnoy cures catarrh , Hco lildg1.
Gifts amounting to ? 110.000 have ben con
tributed to Mr , Moody'a Mount Vcmn and
Northtleld sctogla.
Incur dates ntll mtke A long itny ,
Ko man ot wouan now living will ever date t
Jooumcnt without using tlio fVRuro 0 , It ilimdi
la thothltilplnetln ISO , whcro It will remain ten
) cnn nnd then move up tonxoud plaoa in 1000 ;
irhctclt lll rcilforono hundrcj yont .
Thcto Is nnotlitr " 0" n lilcli luwnlso como today
It Is unlike Ilia ( IguroO In ourilutct inllio rcipccl
tlmtllhunalronily moicd up to fltst rhco.nheri
U will permanently rfmuln , It li called tlio"No
J'1 Uljli Arm WhcoletiVVllson Scwliif Maclitna.
Tha"NoP" vat endorsed forllfst | hco ly the
experts ol Hurcfc nt Ilia Putls Kipoalllan ol IBSft
shore , nf tit n sucrocontoil with ttio leading mn
tlilncJ of the orld , It wna awarded the onlj
Cr.inilrrlzughcn totanillyscnlng iniichliic ! , all
ttlictton cthlUt hmlng treoUcd loner nnnrtls
Of golJ nicda'.j , etc. Tbo Kreuch Qorcrnmuiil
also tccopnlzc J lt ntipcrlurlly bj the dccoriillon ol
Mr. Nathaniel \Vhcolcr , I'ri'Sldenlof tlwconiuny |
with the Cross ot the U-gion of Honor.
The "No. 0" Is not an old ninchlTO Improved
111 ou , Iritis nn entirely new nnohltio , and the
OrnodPrluct I'lrlswns nnsnlvdlt nstho ( ; r.ind
tst ndvancoIn tiulnaniochlDC incchnnl in cl tlu
BRO. ThoHC uho buylt cin rott atwurud , there
( oreof liming tbo viry latest and bejt.
& WILSON H'F'O CO ,
165 uud 187VpabnNh Avo. , Chicago
P. E. FI.ODMAN & CO.
220North Slxleonth Street.
DraBeltsABBlts
Physicians , Surgeons and Specialists.
MOD DOUCL..AS
OMAHA.
The mo t widely juiil fiitorablv l nownspoc-
l.ilKUIii Iliu Tailed Suites , flulr loin ex-
perkiiuu. rcninrUUilo skill mill \inlvt-rs.il \ sue-
u"-s In tlio tro.itincnt niul cure ot Nervous ,
Ulirunlo mid SurjjIiMl n.hoii.vii. . entitle these
eminent. | iliy lcliuis to tlio full confidence ot
Ilio nlllliMed oMM-vwIiero. They muntiilco :
A UHHTAtN AM ) I'OSt'flVK ' OUIIH for
tlio awfuli'ilmN of early vlco and Ilio numer
ous eUnit ! ! follow In fls triiln.
IMIIVATR. 111.001) AND SKIN lTSrAST55 )
tppcilllv. rmuiilotoly mi < l nnrinniirntlv cuiod ,
NHIIVIHTS liiUIITY ) : ANM ) SICXUMj IIa-
OltDCItSyieldrcadliy totliolr sUlllfultreat
ment.
i'UES , I'lSTlir.A ANT ) UI5CTAT , TJTRKK3
giuiiaiitccd cured without iiulii or dctcutloi :
tioni business.
II VDliOC'KLR AND VAKICOCELT3 perma
nently a ml Btiecoosfull.v LMircd In every eiiso ,
SYIMIIUS. ( KJNUIUlllIJA , OUKET , Spoi-
iiKitonho.i , SciuinulVcnlctiP3i \ , LostManliood ,
N'lKht KiiiMlons , Dcvuytd Kai u I Lies , I'tnmle
\Yeaktics4imcliill \ dt'lleulo disorders pecullur
to either sov poslthcly cutvil , us wullus all
functionaldl-ouleis unit ii/Milt fmin Juutli-
fill fo'.llcsnr tlio excess of mutiiru yours.
TPirTHIM ? Oiiirantucd puruiiuiontl y
Ol 1XIO1U1XN cured , rrmnMil comnloto ,
wltliout ciitllnx. cuu-.tluor dllatatliin. Uuroi
atreilul at homo liy ] iitluut , without a mo-
mcnl'h ) ) : iln or lumouuico.
TO YOUNG AND MIDDLE-AGED MtN.
i Tlio awful 1'iro-tt of
, oailv vltovlileh lir.ii s
weakness. < lestroIiiR ) both mini ami
body , with all Its dreaded Mi , iicriiiuiiuiity
CIIICll ,
TCI'T'IX Adilrosithoto wlio luno tin-
Ul l KJ p.ilrud tlioimol\cs by Ini-
InilulKniioj and snlltaiy h iblts , which
iiiln hnth niliiil uud body , umltliiij ; them for
business , stud vor 111:11 : rl.i c.
MAItmii : ) Jir.X or tluiintorlnonthnt (
lii ! | > ] ) y llfe.awuiuof physical doblliiy , quickly
nsslbled.
OUR SUCOB-S
Is based upon fiicts. Klrst I'r.ietlcal cxporl-
eueo./'econd ' 1ory ; cav ) Is sciiall | ) ) * studlc'd ,
thus Malting il h ( . 'Ililrl-Modliliiei ; aio
pi on u od lu our labonilory exactly to suit
eaeliriiso , thiisutrcitliiKCiiroswJlJiout Injury ,
Drs. Belts &
1409 COUGLAS STflEET , - OMAHA NEB.
Established 185 8 ,
J. SIMPSON.
Elilc eprliDialtacbmcnt .Vo lurso motion.
The oldest nntl lnrtc > l earrlajo ficlorj
a Onmlia for line work , living the cole-
braid ! spring mislior avlcDrafts anil
estimates fiirnlblieil. Fine repairing u
specially ,
1-10 ! ) niul 1111 ItoiK'o St. , Omaliiu
\VA.siii.MiT v , on
I'l'irot ' ounil. I'liclUcConsC
Teruilnui ( ircat Not-
tliiTii HI , Vast rciourcei
In CuKinq Ctftt. Iron anil limber , nlremly ullll/lfi ;
tlioiuiimlluf iiioJianilnitllk'ii ( idlollnn. MmclilCM
hnrbur. iieareHttlii0iciiHi | < a.Vubltlilpiilneliitere ti.
Tlmo riillrniiili bullileromh liici ) y < ar rrciiiniitli.
Inuto popiilatlon or fliK ) ( U s. t'ui BUB It nil ntiesBiil
valuatloiioflKlIJO.OOU. llleclilo llnlita. tloctrlo street
rullwaya.caf , naturnorku , Uniqunllcil nppuitunt'
tloa ( or protltublo liiTi'ntmenlM , ti > ccliil _ Intliirp-
niuntstoiimniafncttircrB. ddroMl"
I'dlrliitvunViii
WRITING PAPEfl , Bf THE POUND , 35
CENTS. A NEW LINE , '
CHASM A5
jUnc.S AM ) .STATIONSUS
.VGUAVIOHS A.VI > I'UIM'KltB ,
11 : $ Soulli Kltli Ktroet.
$ IOOOO
Agents Wanted !
rortrulUEiilarKcJto nnjr Blza
WrIU11 Br 'lT.'il" " > Cit > lt | < i. .
Cilcicol'.ettrit ' Llgit Inliils ; C : ,
! i5 to 53 U , ltaiiilnlh | St.
Chicago , Illi ,
DR. CLUCK ,
Eye and Ear ,
Eukcr istockIJUi anJ forcam
Protect nnd Improve "YourSlght byUslnrja Pairof Oui"PeiTeclloiV'
Speohaoles o
Fhey arc The BEST in the WORLD
We mnlco n specialty of hlghgrnclogoods , using the regxilnr ecu
list's Prescription Frame , imd only first ciunllly crystal lenses , which
ore scientifically g found to correct the various clorects of vision.
Every pair Is fitted by a PrncllcalOpticitm of many yours' ' experi
ence , and we GU A. HA NTEE SATISFACTION IN EVEHY CA.9E.
FOR Thirty Days Vc AVill Scll'Sri-CIACll-S and liYHGUSSliS at
RliDUTiI ) PRICES.
SOLID GOLD SPECTACLES OR EYEGLASSES , ABY STYIE ,
Worth $5 to$10 ; now $3 to$5
FINES ! STEEL SPECTACLES OR EYEGLASSES ,
Forla.nd $1.5O ; worth $2to$3
BLUE OR LONDON SMOKED GLASSES , for stifling tin eyss , from 50c UP
DC ware of using common Spectacles , winch nresuro } .o Injure your
eyes , but UxUe tulvnincige ol our reduced p'-lces tincl buy the best a nil
liuvetliem properly adjusted to your eyes.
OCULIST'S PRESCRIPTIONS FILLED.
MAX MEYER & BRO
JEWELERS AMD OPTICIANS ,
Established I860. IQt liA.ND FABNAM STREETS , Omnhn , NTcb |
Tfie Omaha Medical and Surgical Institute
, .
* * n * * m = * * + Kt.-iti
For tliotrontmcntof nllCUKONIC AND SIIP-GICAT. DISIiASKS lifter. J\pplliinn > for noforniltlra , mil
TIUSBCI. Heft FiullltlGi , ApiniriitusiiiKl llemuillea formiinnmfullrciitnipitt ( if oviry fimn of ill ( 'inis ro-
quIrliiB.MtMlkiil orSuriilml TrcntmiTit. MN1.TV Ilbo.MS Kl I'ATILINTS Itonrrl of ntlnmlniirc ! Hell
Aicoiiiniotlallona West Write for diciilnti oil DoforaltH" ) nu t llrnocn , Truxp1' ( lub loot. Ciirviilnro cl
Hplne , t'llfs , Tumors , rancor Catirrli flroncbltls , Inlinliitliili , Klpolrlcltv , I'nr IH ! | H , IJjiylfwy | Kliliicr
llliulilcr , Bye , KnrSklniml lllooil.miil nlUurxoil oiionitUmn. Dlt-KASKS OK WOMKN n HpiPlnlt ) Hook
of UlHfiisoB \Vomun lie"'o \ li.i\o Jtit'ly udlvil nlitlnii In Ditartiiient \Vomvn ilurlnw CuiillnciuuDl
( tlrlc-llr rrlvnto ) . Only lit llnllo Icdlcnllnitltuti ) ni Vln .i p ( In 11 y ( if I'lllVATi ; DlHKAHl'S.
All lllood Plsonnfs siicic Hfiilly trcatoil Sypbllltlc polwm re-moved from tlio tfjiein wit limit ncrcur ;
ow Itestoratlve Ticntnidit furlx > s of Mini Tower , i'urtk'i ' unnUo lo\lhltm 11 M bo tieitedat lumu IJ
ctrri-Bpondcnco. Allconiiuunlc.itlons conllrtcntlnl , MeillcliiD orlnrtrumontnieiit b/ null or I'vprc ! ? , so.
lUiely packed , no markslo tiidlcit < MOMtents orii-ndir Oneperionnl Interview pn'orrrj Pnllnnil fintull
us or ( cnil hlitorjof > oiircufP , nnilwo lllFerdln | il lnriiipurour 11JO1C 1O MKN KIIKH. upon I'rl. utl
Socialur r-IirrousDlfcaso , lii'potmcy , 3/iihlllsOlcctiinilViirli.oi.oloi ltlniiic"itlon llsl. Adlruss
Omaha Medidal and Su.rgical.Institute ,
Corner 9th and HarneirSts. , Omaha. Neb.
Graduate Dentist ,
Set of Teetli on Rubber
FOR FIVE DOLLARS.
A perfect fit guaranteed. Tcoth extracted without pain or iliuTii o.ancldt1i \ -
out anao&lhotlcs. Gold niul silver llllinff.s at lo.vcat . rates. Uridgo and Crov\a
uorlc. Tooth without plates. All work warran toil.
Office Paxton Block , 16th and Far mm Streets
En trnncolGth street clovulor. Open cneuinija until 8 o'clock.
DEVV EY & STONE ,
F'tirniture Oompariu.
Amngnlficcnt display of ovorytlilna uscMl nnd onmmontal in tha
furniture maker's art at reasonable prices. r
ARE"YOU"BUILDING ?
If so call and examine our fine line of nrt goods , comprising
Locks ' Knobs.Escutcheons and Hinges , in all finishesand design
. I-IIMEBAUGM & TAYLOR ,
14OB Doug las St. , Omaha.
mi mm
IIuvo removed to 1207 Doujrlas St. , onnoslto Mlllard ITotol.
Stove Repairs for 1500 Different Stoves , Kangcs and Furnaces.
Attaclunont Pltlcrt ami Connrclud. Ousollrioiwd fins StovesHcp-ilrcd. Tel IH53.
K01II' . UIIMfl. Proiulotor , C.M , I , ATON , M mincer ,
EIM
trmi U.OdrrcUnf yuitlirulrrrnn , narlr
dccftywa lliiMnkiii'A , lu t luaiilw i , C'lI will
( end a vnluntilo treutlw ( w l l cuntiilnlni : full
I articular * ( at homo cure. I'lICK of rliurKn. A
Jplcnillcl inoillcalworkiihoiiM J o jiiul lir n * tr
m\n who li iiiTvmm anil UOIIItatwI. Xitilrcu ,
I'rof , i' . C , A' < J\V JLliU.Jlooau Couaii
lull * Lnitil M it AH , H lj
, 1 inJO rli Trity *
On trtnorit wltoliitlw jrt ! i )
L , 0. IK dutei from If tl tiprwrrr' * t
"
. .
Itl Ur&wl U Ug la Uf
